SOS
It’s happening. You swore that this would never happen ever again. You promised yourself over and over and over that you would never go back to that place again. But here you are.
It’s dark. Your mind is not your own. You don’t recognize who you’ve become. Giving into ED made you think you were free and safe and invincible. It was a thrill. It was comfortable. Like going back into old ways.
But now that excitement and rush has crashed and burned and you find yourself in the inferno. You can’t get out. Trapped. Never having felt so low in your life. ED lured you in with his seductive promises, and now that he’s got you where he wants you, he’s just ripping into you with his Lies and tormenting you with abuse.
You think to yourself, “I’m such an utter failure. I’m a disgrace. How did I let myself do this again?! It shouldn’t be a surprise that I couldn’t keep my promise…Because I can never do anything right. I always f#ck everything up. You know what? I deserve this. I deserve this misery because that’s what I’m worth. What’s the point in even trying anymore? I’m just going to screw everything up anyways. I’m just going to fail yet again. I’m just a worthless piece of shit. I disappointment to everyone. What’s the point?
You literally feel absolutely empty. Alone. Exasperated. Fed up. Defeated. Afraid. Like you have nowhere to turn. Nowhere to escape to. You’re stuck. Stuck in this hell. Stuck in this habit. You feel you can’t go on. You’re dejected.
Cry out.
Cry out to Jesus.
You don’t know what to do. You’ve lost all strength to go on. You have nowhere to turn. No one to talk to. Cry out.
You don’t have to know the right words to say. You don’t have to have some perfect prayer or try to hide the fact that you’re absolutely shattered into a million pieces and broken beyond recognition. Just cry out His name. He loves you and accepts you in your brokenness. He knows what you need.
Romans 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through groans that are too deep for words.
We don’t have to know the words to say. All we have to know is that we’re desperate for help. All we have to do is cry out for help from above. Jesus will save us.
Why. Why Lord, why? I need you. Right in this very moment I need you. I can’t do this anymore. I need Your help. I cannot do this by myself. I need Your strength. I need Your courage. I am so utterly disappointed in myself. I am so angry with myself for doing this again. Why?! Whyyy!?? Lord, I’m desperate. I’m so afraid and so defeated. It’s taking all of my strength right now just to close my eyes and go to sleep. It’s taking all my strength to just finish the day. Help me. Free me from this hell. Save me, Lord. Rescue me.
Know that you are never alone.
You may feel like you are. You may be in a dark and terrifying place where you are just getting beaten up by ED left and right. You may have just had a terrible slip up and feel like you’ve just thrown your life away. Thrown recovery away. You feel like there’s no use going on. Feel like there’s no hope for you. But you are never alone.
Cry out.
You don’t have to have the perfect words or memorized prayer.
Sometimes a desperate groan is all you can muster. Just cry out His name. Jesus cares. And loves you. And always hears when His precious child is in distress.
When you feel like there’s nothing left. When hope is gone. When you’ve lost it all. Cry out. In desperation, cry out for help. For love. For strength. For consolation. For rescuing. Cry out. And He’ll come running.
15 responses to “Cry Out”
This came at such an opportune time. For the past 2 days I’ve suddenly thought about becoming skinny, about crash-dieting and doing all sorts of horrible things to lose weight fast. I kept thinking I was such a disgrace because I was helping other girls through their struggle yet here I was, unable to help myself and feeling like a hypocrite. The ED suddenly came back and threatened to take over & I’m going try and start again. I’ve not gone back to the very beginning; usually when I slip I take 2 or 3 steps back but this time I’ve taken like 10 steps back – having thought patterns and behaviors that were very rampant during the worse of my ED days. I’m going to take this entire week to just relax, listen to my body and be kind to myself.
Hi love,
Thank you for sharing this. Dealing with slip ups is part of recovery. I applaud you for taking the week to focus yourself on your own health and well being. And as far as feeling like a hypocrite, you definitely are not. I think it’s beautiful that you are trying to help others. That’s such an admirable quality. I think oftentimes, it is hardest to take our own advice. Even if we want to so badly, and conceptually know that it is the right thing to do, it can be astronomically difficult to implement in our own lives. But you can do it! I believe in you. Don’t think of it as failing. You have just been given another opportunity to start again. 🙂 Love you sweet girl. Hang in there. You’re a warrior and I admire your courage.
What a remarkable ability you have to engage and advise everyone who reads your words, regardless of their own personal afflictions, demons, or temptations. What a powerful voice for Christ you have, but what a gentle, caring soul you are, always there for those like the woman above who look to you for strength and encouragement.
How privileged people are to witness the simplicity with which you demonstrate to us all what a relationship with Christ is all about. We make it so complicated sometimes, but it is not, really. It is about first trusting Him and relying on Him completely in our own lives and then allowing Him to use us to lead others to that same level of trust and reliance.
How grateful your parents must be that you turned to Him for the help you needed to spare them the incredible sadness and sense of loss that would have accompanied your death. How important is the knowledge as a parent that sometimes there are things that ONLY God can fix.
It is a deeply spiritual experience for me every time I read your words, and I pray that the seeds you plant will grow into powerful examples of the fruit that can be produced when others are placed above oneself. May God bless you keep you safe. I offer Him praise for the voice He has given you and the way in which you use it.
Oof, Perfect timing, tears streaming down my face, as I plead to God. I ultamitly hear that I am not alone, which, I have felt so alone for so long, and it’s so hard, I feel like nobody understand how hard it is. I don’t know how to ask my parents I need more help than I’m getting. I’m scared, and ED doesn’t want me to, but I know with out it I’m going to be further sucked into, this trap. I’m so scared, I’m not in control of me anymore!!!!!! I just can’t handle it, Ya know? I wanna give up so bad, but I also want to get better so bad, plus every one just thinks I’m a crazy psycho.
Natalie you will get better, you’ve already taken the first step and are facing that which is troubling you deeply. Your faith in God is the starting point and you’re not what people think you are but you are beautiful to the Most High our Lord Jesus Christ who already saved you when he came here where we all suffer and struggle with every imaginable imperfection and brokenness which he looks beyond and deeper into who each of us really is! He sees all the beauty and love in you and came to claim it as His own to never let it be lost and forsaken, He our Lord and Creator wants to hold you in His eternal loving embrace giving you joy and peace beyond comprehension and all you need do is accept Him, believe in Him and tell Him you love Him. And by doing your best you show Him how much you love Him. He sends His Comforter the Holy Spirit to watch over you and protect you from all that is against you and will lead you safely to where you need to be even in this basic human eating disorder you will rise above it and take control of yourself, you have the power and strength within you because you proved it by taking the first step and facing the Truth, and that basic Truth is true about all of us humans and children of God’s; which is we are all imperfect while we carry our crosses here on the journey to Him our Salvation and Savior Jesus Christ who takes away all sins and imperfection, we just need to never quit or give up believing in Him. He doesn’t see imperfection in you as He takes it all away and only sees the beauty and love in you that is so precious to Him so you shouldn’t ever give up on yourself too. For each of us this life is like the Chinese proverb says “the longest journey begins with a single step,” and it’s true. Sometimes the greatest obstacle to attaining your goals is just getting started. These words of wisdom I share are yours as much as they are mine and anyone else who looks to see the truth around us and within our own broken imperfect lives but at the same time; oh how miraculous and beautiful to have this greatest opportunity to find total peace and joy for eternity by having faith in Him our Lord who gives to us freely and we are only required to have faith in Him not to be afraid of anything when it comes to where we are going and what we can accomplish along the way through Him! “With God all things are possible,” all things Natalie.” God’s abundant blessings to you, in the holy name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Merry Christmas!
Lawrence
I love you friend. Hang in there. I believe in you! And so does God! You’re not a crazy psycho. You’re a strong, brace, capable warrior who is reclaiming her life and that is something to celebrate. Just do the next right thing. One step at a time! Love you!!
This is for both Natalie and Caralyn my dear sisters in Christ Jesus! I do love both of you and we never met but I know I do because it’s in my heart right now and tears my eyes as I feel the good in both of you as well the sadness that is part of being here on earth as we must for a time! What is this I feel, I know God put it in me just like He did both of you and anyone who will turn to Him will know it too.
This morning I woke at 3 am and felt I should get up not really sure of any reason other than I felt convinced it was important to do it. I didn’t know it was 3 am but once I did I said OK God what am I supposed to do, and then I thought let me check my emails, so I got online and this beautiful and absolutely incredible Blog of Caralyn’s was sending me a notice along with another bloggers that caught my attention both being very important and connecting with Jesus Christ. I actually never read this post of yours Caralyn and I must say I got very upset, very emotionally moved and my eyes got teary quite a bit as I was feeling the struggle in your words as I know that pain and feeling of sadness all too well like many of we children of God’s do just by living life its bound to come our way one time or another. Then I saw a long comment that was new from you Natalie and I really needed to cry because I wanted you to be healthy and happy, I felt it so strongly and knew this was happening for good reason my getting up and getting involved. I’m so glad I did and I know God our heavily Father through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior is at work in this without a doubt. Now I got busy after writing my long comment to you fine ladies and sisters in Christ Jesus and just now completed a long comment to the other blogger which I know I should share with you both here in this Blog. I hope you both understand my passion and know that it is from my genuine heart that I do this not for me at all but for both of you out of Faith and Love. I pray I make some difference and help even in some tiny way is all I hope for ;I want nothing other than to do that if it is God’s will. Amen.
Hi Tom, I point to this section of your dissertation; “Sometimes, as Christians, we pray together. We unite our voices in prayer to God. When we join together for prayer, we find it helpful to say the same words, rather than each believer speaking a different prayer. Jesus himself gave us these words, although Matthew first wrote them in the Greek language. We use a translation into English that is four hundred years old. We do not update these words for the sake of those believers who learned them this way long ago. Moreover, we maintain this antique language and grammar in memory of those who prayed these words before us. The saints in Paradise prayed these words, and their voices from the past mingle with ours in the present when we approach our Father in the prayer that Jesus gave to his one true Church. When Christians pray together, we unite around these words. When we go into our rooms and close the door to pray secretly to our Father, we are not bound by these memorized words. Jesus does not want to hear us rush through the words of this prayer, saying them as quickly as possible. Instead, Jesus intends this prayer to be an outline upon which we can hang all our joys and worries, hopes and fears, and everything we might want to discuss with God.”
These words cut to the chase I believe in that praying can vary depending on circumstances or situations and what might seem like a repetitive automated recitation, to me isn’t much different than a group singing a beautiful hymn to the Lord in praising Him and giving thanks! The Thanksgiving traditional prayer to say just before all enjoy the bounty of the gifts the Lord has provided is a fine payer. Then again, when alone praying can become very methodical and drawn out to fit the need and what is coming from the heart which is the key to me; that any prayer being offered up to the Lord “that is genuine and from the heart” isn’t ever going to be met with condemnation by our Father in heaven when it is given “through Jesus Christ” who took away all of our sin or imperfections thus allowing us to not be perfect in how we carry on even in prayer. To some Catholics the repetition can be helpful I’m sure as it keeps them focused and perhaps by rote some individuals are attuning their whole being to our Father who art in heaven through our Redeemer Jesus Christ who judges by what is in the heart, which can’t be a bad thing no matter how the prayers appear to other people its only God who we must please with them. He knows if we are genuine and truly appreciative of all the grace He provides to us.
We must also remember that Jesus instructed Peter to build his Church and thus an institution was created on earth because we are living on this planet in a material world and are not of the absolute or spirit world yet, so formality and familiarity are essential to maintain order and decorum in any human activity or group effort! The church over time became an institution with tradition and set practices that were interpreted through the Holy Scriptures written by the Lord’s apostles or evangelists and even in a sense his team of shepherds to tend to the flock in His absence, so yes some sticky points evolved and still grow more conflicting depending on by whose perspective they are looked upon. But, I think there is nobody on earth that is doing anything absolutely precisely to some level of accuracy that claims any prize because we must remember also that “all fall short of the glory of God,” and that “none are righteous, no not one,” or in living this life are in some perfect accordance with how the Father in Heaven would want us to perform each moment of our lives, and because it is unattainable for us the imperfect in a troubled material very secular world. So we make do with what we’ve got and trying our best to be as direct and humble with our Lord when we speak or pray to Him that is how I think it all pans out. Remember on Calvary how the sinner, convicted criminal on the cross to the right side of Jesus professed as they both were dying that he even though a low down despot could see that Jesus was who He claimed to be, so that was faith at work and was deemed good enough to allow the criminal through the narrow gate of heaven on that very day with Jesus.
We all should be very careful not to point fingers at each other as far as faith being practiced toward our living God, as we would fail by any throwing out the baby with the bath water. As an example of heading off in that direction, Martin Luther said he knew better and that isn’t for us to judge but any of us rejecting other Christians is a very slippery slope as we know from history how the Jewish Pharisees became gloated with the law and thought they were high and mighty! Jesus taught us above all that humility, mercy and forgiveness are vitally essential to any of God’s children being acceptable to Him! He demonstrated this TRUTH wholly and completely in person and the best we can do is to be “imitators of Christ” in our lives. As he said, “Greater love has no one than this; that one should lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13
God Bless You and Yours. Amen
Brother in Christ Jesus,
Lawrence
Hello again, yes it’s me the long winded guy! One would think after all I’ve said I should have been complete in what I was attempting to communicate by now; alas I was thinking and read this over again realizing I could say more after all, but not to worry I’ll spare you, only please allow me to make clear what I said and how in my thoughts and heart the Holy Scripture John 15:13, tells me without any doubt that Jesus loves each of us beyond measure and we are so precious to Him; that is why he spoke those words to His apostles at the time when He was here on earth! He is always there for us, just Cry Out! Amen.
Merry Christmas!
Lawrence
I’m so greatful for this online network, and support group here. And Thank you so much C/Karalyn, it’s hard to feel loved, but I’m slowly getting there. And Lawrence thank you. Both your words moved me to tears. It’s so hard to feel God, when he’s holding me rather than walking beside me. I don’t understand why he’s doing this right now, I know I will later, but I can’t see it now, and I hate that, I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I make me feel hopeless.
Hello Natalie,
What a beautiful and articulate letter explaining your inner most struggles with life and circumstances much of which is beyond your control! I give you great praise and credit for doing so well under the circumstances for sure. I wanted to let you know that I send my heart out to you as I never actually understood ED until I connected with Caralyn with her fine blogging but now I’m actually engaged in a powerful firsthand accounting and actual life, your life that is being effected in this devastating way and I’m so moved and torn over what you are going through that I actually feel shaky and almost desperate to help and find some way to do or say something that will make the greatest or even a tiny difference for you!
My God you’re such an intelligent and beautiful young woman and I’m proud of you I honestly am for being the good heart and soul you are because God has plans for you dear young Lady! I’m joyous about that part but so worried and troubled about this mountain you seem to have to climb over in order to get to the other side of it where the beautiful valley and peaceful world await.
You’re so sensitive in a good way about things and you care so much I can see this in you.
Wow, I just finished this letter “Love” of yours because I was reading and stopping to make notes; but this is so vivid and beautiful to me! I feel like I’m learning so much listening to you and you didn’t go on too long believe me I do that all the time since long ago when I was a teen I was the talker and everyone said I never shut up. Not such a bad thing really if you have lots to say then you need to do something with it and talk, write, create and do what makes you feel happy and like you are doing some good with what makes you who you are, I think. You are doing so much and working hard to understand and improve yourself and that’s amazing to me for a young Lady to be so focused and wise to realize it takes major effort to accomplish the things we should with our own lives but one step at a time and being determined is huge in getting it done, but you already know the biggest piece to this journey we all live here on earth is knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!
I love how you have such genuine humble faith and perhaps this ED is partly you being humble or attempting to demonstrate your own humility not so much to the world and others but to our Lord, and to convince yourself along the way that you are working at being a humble person and not any egomaniac like so many people tend to do. Again I’m proud of you and you bring me to tears as I really needed to learn about this ED and understand it much more than I ever imagined I would, as it also shows me now by your dissertation how any addiction or feeling of failure or lack of self-worth can hurt any of us and that is wrong and not something I want to see in anyone because I know God wants us to be happy and feel empowered to overcome these worldly difficulties that try to pull us down into the dumps and ruin our future here on earth and beyond someday in getting to heaven.
I really love animals too and your whole detailed chronology of what happened to your hamsters really got to me and I got teary over your sadness and also the little tiny innocent animals too. I stop myself in that moment of grief and say I know God has this all covered otherwise He would never have created the universe and all we people along with the other living creatures! So how do we Christians say it, “turn it over to the Lord;” “Let Go and Let God!” I just love that you wrote this LOVE piece and I love how bright and talented you are, you can’t even imagine at this point how much you inspire me and I’m no kid so that is a huge accomplishment, because I believe that you reaching out with your story through time and space this way has moved me to tears and joy while gaining a better understanding of ED or indeed any struggle with addiction!
WOW, I feel blessed to have met you and to know about you in this world and I have the highest confidence and hope for you already Natalie; your future is bright! You go at your own pace and keep close to the Lord as His Comforter the Holy Spirit is with you and will guide you each day. But, as you go along I really want to see anything you write here whether it be about you and your journey with ED or any subject you pick on any given day; I know it will all be interesting and real. You have a beautiful heart and I ask God though Jesus Christ to keep you totally in His graces and bless you abundantly! You have a bright and encouraging future ahead that is going to make a difference for others too.
Thank you again and I’m always willing to listen to more of what you have to say!
God Bless You and Yours.
“Merry Christmas.”
In Jesus Christ,
Lawrence
PS I’m leaving this long winded comment to you both here and on Caralyn’s blog site because it is totally right and she is the one that made me first aware of this hardship some people are having through here own journey of recovery and the many things she has said about it; and now this circle of connection with you which is growing in a most beautiful helpful way. Thank you for your understanding.
You’re doing a fine job with everything Natalie, and look at how wonderful Caralyn does she is a shining example and you are too young Lady! My prayers are with both of you!
BTW very sorry I was having a brain fart and called your little animal friends hamsters when they are actually guinea pigs and there is a big difference actually I do realize, so please understand my thoughts got a bit mixed like a glitch of some kind. Thanks.
Oh Natalie, this touches my heart so much. Thank you for saying that. I’m so grateful and humbled that such wonderful people would take the time to stop by. And I love that there are friendships and community forming! I definitely can relate to when I was going through everything. But hang in there – the darkest nights do end, and there is hope to be found. Radically trust that He’s got you right now. And just cling to that truth 🙂 love you warrior. Hugs and love xox
Thank you for the reasurence, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one and I will try my very best! Also I have a new blog post just fyi. This is random, but I’m from Indiana which is right next to ohio 🙂 so hi neighbor
💛
Hey Caralyn, I really don’t want to bother you but I feel very concerned about our young friend with ED and as I don’t have any firsthand knowledge and you obviously have way more than one person should have to, I thought it best to first apologize for getting into my long commentaries on your other blog about it, but I didn’t think there was time or options at that point she left that message being so down in the dumps, now I feel I need to hear from your perspective a bit about what transpired, is all. But since then I went to her blog Let’s Begin and left a more concise and brief comment for her to hopefully let her know that I’m really praying and rooting for her too; although it appears she didn’t read it yet as it’s still awaiting moderation. Maybe because I don’t have any background at all in this area of difficulty I need to understand something vitally important about those with AD so I can respond most effectively to help; so I was hoping that reaching out to you this way now maybe you could give me a couple of important tips about how to respond to anyone who shows up on these blogs appearing so desperately in need of kindness and support; but maybe a best way to handle it?
Again, I’m real sorry for probably saying way more than our friend could even process most likely because I tend to really go way into my explanations more than need be at times. But, I thought I was seeing such great urgency and that worried me a lot. I hope my long comments didn’t distract your Blog article much from the theme and purpose you intended and I appreciate all the good you’re doing!
Love in Christ Jesus,
Lawrence