Here I Am

 

So I’ve been watching rewatching The OC recently.


That’s right. No shame here. I love it. All of it. Even the fourth season that literally limped along for 16ish pathetic episodes until the writers, in essence, gave up on the show. (Hello, Ryan’s dad?? WTFuudge mate?)

ANYWHO. I digress.


The episode I watched last night was the one where Summer and Seth (heart eyes) are battling it out, fighting over the spot to Brown. Brown only accepts one student from their high school, and so Seth and Summer duke it out to be deemed the “perfect candidate” for the prestigious university.

adam-brody-cute-fun-rachel-bilson-seth-favim-com-296714
In essence, they reinvent themselves for the application.

Summer adopts the marching band, and Seth tries his hand (as a pirate) at the drama club. They do community service, join clubs, practice their interview skills — all to appear like they’re the exemplary student, worthy of admission to Brown.


Smooth plan. That is until Seth buckles under the pressure and ends up getting stoned before the interview and misses it altogether.

Don’t do drugs, kids. 😉


But I was watching that episode, and it just struck me how relatable that is. How, their little “song and dance” to get into college is really how we all play the game of life, isn’t it? At least to some degree?

We always feel we have to change in order to be accepted, make the grade, earn respect. We try to look our best for high school reunions – maybe change our hair. Why do you think that Extreme Weight Loss show, or Extreme Make Over was and is so popular? It’s because it’s feeding that default mechanism inside all of us that says that in order to be good, we have to be as damn near perfect as possible. Makeover our lives, our homes, our bodies, in order to be deemed worthy of the vacation prize or the admission letter, or the friend group.


This thinking really played into my anorexia.

My “Capital L” Lie, that played over and over in my head was that in order to be worthy of love, I had to be perfect. And we all have different tapes that play in our minds that influence our decisions. They might not drive you to an eating disorder, but perhaps they produce other destructive behaviors.

Anyways.

There was a moment in my recovery where things became entirely clear. It was like someone turned the lights on in a pitch black room, and I could suddenly see everything with absolute clarity.

I don’t talk about my time at inpatient very much, mainly because I don’t think it really got to the heart of my anorexia. It did save my life: it got most of the weight on, anyway. But in terms of healing my spirit, no ma’am. That was Jesus.

But there was one episode at inpatient that will forever be in my memory, as it changed my life.

And it happened at chapel on the 6th or 7th day. During the song, “Here I am to Worship.”

This beautifully simple song brought me to my knees, literally.

I realized that I didn’t have to change to receive God’s love. I didn’t have to be like Seth and Summer, striving tirelessly to be some ideal and perfect overachiever. I didn’t have to put on a marching band uniform or become a extracurricular hoarder to be deemed worthy of His love and acceptance.


Listen to the lyrics:

It is rather repetitive: “Here I am to worship. Here I am to bow down. Here I am to say that You’re my God.”

In that moment, it finally clicked: here I am…Here I am, right here, right now. I don’t have to change – I can be me, just as I am – in my broken and vulnerable state, I will be embraced with open arms and loved and forgiven.


And then the kicker: “I’ll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross.” 

Allow me to rephrase: I’ll never know how much it cost to see my eating disorder upon that cross.

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I’ll never be able to fully comprehend the fact that You chose to die on a cross so that I could be forgiven and saved of my eating disorder. So that I could be loved in my broken and imperfect state. So that I don’t have to change. So that I can come to You like a little child, and say “Here I am,” this is who I really am.

In that moment, singing that song, my knees buckled and I just felt it. I felt the embrace of Jesus. Wrapping His loving and strong arms around my emaciated, cold, and lifeless body, and me allowing that embrace.



It broke through the walls I had built around my heart. And it was that precise moment that I truly adopted recovery.

I had no idea that simple song would have such a profound impact. But, it quite literally hit me like a sack of bricks.


And so, I’ve decided to share it with you. Me. Singing it.


And as frightening as that notion is, me sharing my voice is saying, Here I am.IMG_0147


So I invite you to just listen. It’s only 3 minutes long, and I pray that it will open a part of your heart that perhaps needs love. Reassurance. Hope.

https://soundcloud.com/user-907976754/here-i-am-to-worship

I owe my life to this song. Because it opened my heart to Him, who then truly did come in and save my life.

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 Merry Christmas guys.

Lyrics: Here I am to Worship

Light of the world, you stepped down into darkness.
Opened my eyes, let me see.
Beauty that made this heart adore You.
Hope of a life spent with you.

Here I am to worship. Here I am to bow down.
Here I am to say that you’re my God.
You’re altogether lovely. Altogether worthy.
Altogether wonderful to me.

King of all days, Oh so highly exalted.
Glorious in Heaven above.
Humbly You came to the earth You created,
All for love’s sake became poor.

So Here I am to worship…

And I’ll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross.
I’ll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross.

So Here I am to worship…

 

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133 responses to “Here I Am”

  1. And a merry, merry Christmas to you, too, my friend! May we all celebrate the birth of the One who died so we can ALL sing that song (granted, not all will sound as pleasant as you!).

    Reply

  2. The song that does it for me is called “It Is Well”. I especially love the part that goes
    “That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
    And hath shed His own blood for my soul”
    I cry EVERY TIME I hear this song. It gives me such a peace. That I am surrounded by Christ’s love and everything will be alright. Thanks for this post <3

    Reply

    • Hi Ellie! Oh my gosh I love that song too! It is so powerful. And so true. We were brought at a price. And we are loved beyond measure. Thanks for stopping by, beautiful. Have a merry merry Christmas xx

      Reply

  4. How beautiful – the post, the photos, and then YOU singing THE song of worship where Jesus met you (or shall we say where you were enabled to receive Him). Hallelujah! Praying with you that everyone receives the same grace we have through God’s Son to be restored to their destiny as a new creation, a child of the living God, Love Himself…

    Reply

    • Thank you so much Deanna. My goodness I am so touched by your words. Thank you for the bottom of my heart. Yes, I was enabled to accept and receive the love that he was pouring out to me. Thanks for stopping by! Blessings and love to you this Christmas!! ❤️❤️❤️

      Reply

  6. Mine is “Here I Am Lord”, which I find rather ironic since the title of your post is Here I Am. You have a beautiful voice..and this is such a wonderful post! Always be you for you and no one else!! God didn’t create you to be them, he created you to be you! 🙂

    Reply

  7. Dear BBB, Thanks for sharing your story for it reminded me of how God touched me in a life changing way through a song that I was singing along with in a small group of Christians in about 1992 after going through twelve years of spiritual wilderness in my life in which I thought that God had left me. All of a sudden as we were singing it I heard Jesus singing it to ME! As it was with you in your lovely song, when He got to the last stanza my knees buckled and I was in a heap on the floor. His love for me finally broke through my captivity and told me it was over. Here are the words,

    I Will Change Your Name

    by D. J. Butler

    I will change your name
    You shall no longer be called
    Wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid
    I will change your name
    Your new name shall be
    Confidence, joyfulness, overcoming one
    Faithfulness, friend of God
    (Here I asked, “Oh God! Who am I that you would call me your friend? and He answered, “Because you are…)
    One who seeks My face”

    Bless you, my dear sister and Merry Christmas!

    Reply

    • Hi Michael! Thanks for sharing this! I haven’t heard this one but I will definitely look it up! The lyrics are amazing and so comforting and hopeful. How awesome that Jesus was able to break through to you in this song! God is so good. Thanks for stopping by! Merry Christmas!

      Reply

  8. Great post. Learning to be secure in the Love of God is a marvelous, comforting thing!!!! I meditate on that truth often! His Mercy for Sinners is His Glory. What a marvelous thing that The Holy God and Creator of the Universe sees His children pure and holy through the Saving Work of His Son!

    Reply

    • Hi Mary! Thank you for your kind response! You’re so right- it brings me to my knees to think what Jesus did for us. We are so loved. Thanks for stopping by and have a wonderful Christmas!

      Reply

  9. Love this. I can’t relate to eating disorders but I can relate to feeling like nothing and no one and trying to be someone, desperately hoping to be loved if I just look the part. God does show us how ugly our sins are but it’s always so we can know how much it cost him and how deep he loves us. I am still learning that. Abusive relationships made me a very fearful person and I have to fight most days to really believe God loves me. This past week suicidal thoughts have crept back into my thoughts and I just close my eyes and ask God to be so real to me. I literally have nothing left but him to cling to. He loves me crazy thoughts and all. Thanks for the post. It encouraged me in my pain.

    Reply

    • Hi friend❤️ thank you so much for sharing your heart. I think you really got to the heart of everything when you said that we are loved at a great price. It is baffling how much He loves us. No matter what, just like you said. Enough for Him to lay down his life. I pray that Jesus’s love will just wash over you. Know how precious you are. Hollow words, I know, but it is so true. Your life is important enough for Him to endure the Cross. Remember that. Sending you so much love and will keep you in my prayers.

      Reply

    • Dear sister:

      Please remember that among the angels in his heart are those waiting to be received by YOU. I know that pain is real and that it keeps on coming, but holy moments are a doorway through time. When your heart fills with his acceptance, remember all the beautiful things that you have lost, and send those angels out to gather them up again.

      Hoping that in this Christmas season you are returned the gift of yourself.

      Brian

      Reply

  10. Nice…the post, the song…very nice. I’ve always loved that song and you sang it well. ❤️ Thank you for sharing. The songs that have resonated so deeply in my spirit this season of my life are “First”, “The Motions” and “Good, Good Father”. Another one is “Flawless”. So many good Christian songs! I hope you have a wonderfully joyous Christmas.

    Reply

    • Thank you so much Jackie! I appreciate your affirming words:) I love those songs! Especially First. I get so excited when it comes on pandora☺️ same to you! Merry merry christmas! Thanks for stopping by!

      Reply

  12. Merry Christmas back to you, dear. Yes, “Here I Am…” is a powerful song when sung by one who has insight into the cost that He paid when he left his throne in glory to be a baby to become a man to die on that cross. For us!

    Reply

  13. Praise God that He came into your life and saved you. Praise God for His glorious Son Jesus Christ Who alone is worthy of all praise and worship. Thank you for sharing that Jesus Christ set you free from sin, death and hell, Amen!
    Thank you for visiting and reading my latest post on holdingforthhisword. May Christ draw us deeper into His love and closer to Him. Amen!

    Reply

    • Thank you so much Eliza. Yes amen to that! God is so good. I owe Him my life and am forever grateful for his mercy and forgiveness. Thanks so much for stopping by! Merry Christmas!

      Reply

    • Thanks Harry. I appreciate your affirming words. Pushing “publish” on this one was particularly nerve wracking! Haha so your kindness is so appreciated:) Merry Christmas!! Thanks again for reading!

      Reply

  15. I definitely didn’t feel like I fit in ANYWHERE when I was growing up and all through college (even now) I feel like sometimes I can’t relate to most ppl. However, I don’t know why I hid behind my ED for so long — it didn’t help bring me closer to ANYONE.
    Also — I LOVEEEE the OC! Where are you re-watching it? I love re-watching my favorite series 😀 And I also lived in the OC for 4 years for school so there’s that 😛

    Reply

  17. What an inspirational blog! You have truly received the greatest gift of all and that’s the recognition that God does not create Junk! Nothing occurs by accident and the trials you have endured and overcome have created someone so strong they influence others with that strength. As a nutritional counselor, I praise God for you! Blessings and how I pray that I will get to know you even better through your posts, Merry Christmas to you and yours my new friend,

    Reply

    • Hi Ellie! Oh thank you so much! Your comment put a smile on my face this morning ☺️ yes God is so good! And I’m forever grateful to him! Merry Christmas to you as well! I look forward to getting to know you☺️

      Reply

  19. This is one of my favorite worship songs too, and you did a beautiful arrangement of it, thank you :). Thank you for the post, it’s something I’ve struggled with, knowing I can come to God exactly as I am, that I don’t have to fake myself. I really needed this reminder today. Have a blessed and very Merry Christmas!

    Reply

    • Thank you so much! I appreciate you reading and listening! In our world today where we always have to be the “best” version of ourselves for acceptance etc, it is so freeing to realize that God loves us. Just as we are. In our imperfect state. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love to you and yours this Christmas!

      Reply

  20. I love those moments during worship when the band has gotten everybody singing in the comfort of the professional voices, and then drops the music way down and you can hear the congregation singing a capella. They tend to just keep singing and have this wonderful realization of just how beautiful they all are to God. Yes, it hurt to bear sin, but remember that what he sees is an eternity of you when you have learned to refashion yourself in the love of the Almighty. There is a joyful purpose there, and your sharing of your honest, human journey is a balm.

    Reply

    • Hi Brian! Oh thank you so much. I love that too. There’s nothing more beautiful to God than hearing all his children lift their voices to him. Thanks for being such a great supporter and encourager! Have a blessed and joyful Christmas!

      Reply

  21. This is a very beautiful post, but then again all of them are 🙂 Interesting that you watch the O.C. I love to watch Hallmark at this time of year due to all the Christmas movies 🙂 They may be highly sentimental, but it is Hallmark it is supposed to do that and at least they really believe in those values as opposed to faking it. One christmas film you should watch is “Signed Sealed and Delivered for Christmas” they have played it a few times on Hallmark this year and past month, but If you do not have time to watch it, it is available on Amazon and Wal-Mart (hey the place I work) 🙂 the website IMDB provides a sypnosis. Last, but not least, your singing voice is wonderful and the song is just well beautiful and in case you do not write another post before Christmas, may I wish you a Merry Christmas and may all your dreams and wishes come true 🙂 Keep up the great work as always 🙂

    Reply

    • Hi John, gosh thank you so much for your kind words! Your comments always brighten my day! It’s funny that you mention Hallmark movies! My family and I are sitting here watching one right now! We LOVE the sentimental (albeit sometimes cheesy) family friendly goodness on the Hallmark channel this time of year. And you too! Have a beautiful and blessed Christmas, John!

      Reply

  22. indeed we don’t have to strive tirelessly to receive God’s amazing grace and love for us. In fact, Jesus came so that we, sinners, are made righteous. And at the cross, He has borne all sicknesses and diseases so that we can be made well, healthy and live the abundant life that He has prepared for us. 🙂 It is when we rest, that God will RESTore 🙂

    Reply

  24. I love that song as well! Your voice is beautiful and I love your post. You have such a beautiful spirit. Thank you for sharing your testimony. It is amazing just like our God.

    Another song that really touches me is Worth by Anthony Brown and Group Therapy. Here are the lyrics:

    You thought I was worth saving
    So you came and changed my life

    You thought I was worth keeping
    So you cleaned me up inside

    You thought I was to die for
    So you sacrificed your life

    So I could be free
    So I could be whole
    So I could tell everyone I know

    You thought I was worth saving
    So you came and changed my life

    You thought I was worth keeping
    So you cleaned me up inside

    You thought I was to die for
    So you sacrificed your life

    So I could be free
    So I could be whole
    So I could tell everyone I know

    You thought I was worth saving
    So you came and changed my life

    You thought I was worth keeping
    So you cleaned me up inside

    You thought I was to die for
    So you sacrificed your life

    So I could be free
    So I could be whole
    So I could tell everyone I know

    Hallelujah
    Glory to God who changed my life
    And I will praise you
    I’ll worship you
    I’ll give you glory
    Because I am
    Because I am
    And you can tell everyone I know

    Hallelujah
    Glory to the God who changed my life
    And I will praise you
    I’ll worship you
    I’ll give you glory
    All give you all it
    Because you deserve it Lord
    You deserve it Lord
    I’ll praise you, forever

    Because I am free
    Because I am whole
    And I will tell everyone I know

    You thought I was worth saving
    So you came and changed my life

    You thought I worth keeping
    So you cleaned me up inside
    You thought I was to die for
    You thought I was to die for
    You thought I was to die for
    You sacrificed your life
    So I can be free

    Be blessed!

    Reply

    • Hi Sherry! Wow thank you for sharing this powerful song! I absolutely love the lyrics. I think I’ve found a new favorite! Have a blessed Christmas! Thanks for reading and listening and for such affirming words! Hugs!

      Reply

  25. That is one of the best writings I have ever read on healing and recovery. I was anorexic before there was a name. I know the feelings of wanting to be perfect. And I too attained recovery through surrender to Jesus Christ. Thank you so much for opening your heart and sharing this beautiful story. And I to can sing with you, “Here I am to worship…….”

    Shalom, Betty

    Reply

    • Hi Betty, wow thank you so much for such affirming words. I appreciate it. I’m so glad that you found comfort and healing in Jesus. Praise God! Yes, here we are indeed. Merry Christmas friend! Thanks for stopping by ❤️

      Reply

  26. Thank you for visiting my blog and liking! I just started reading your first post, and already I think your writing very beautiful. You’re very brave to share with such honesty.

    I hope you have a lovely weekend, and Merry Christmas. 🙂

    Reply

  31. “In that moment, it finally clicked: here I am…Here I am, right here, right now. I don’t have to change – I can be me, just as I am – in my broken and vulnerable state, I will be embraced with open arms and loved and forgiven.” I can relate to this so much!

    I love that song!!!

    Reply

  33. Love, love, love your post and your song. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your struggle. I love the way you speak truth. My song is Flawless. Happy New Year!

    Reply

  35. I just heard that song a little while ago at a Catholic Youth Festival….goosebumps. Imagine 3500 young people around you and a bunch of singers on stage, the words projected and everyone being encouraged to sing….
    I sang with my heart in my throat. It was the final plenary and goodness. Wow.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Reply

    • Oh my gosh, wow that sounds amazing! It wasn’t the Steubenville Youth Conference was it? 🙂 🙂 🙂 I’m so glad that song touched your spirit during the conference. Keep singing it! thanks for stopping by! xox

      Reply

  37. Very interesting to read this. Someone in my immediate family had anorexia a few years ago and at the time I set about learning as much as I could about it. It was a real eye opener to me. People dismiss it as “dieting gone wrong” and that is rather far from the truth. Like you my person came to believe she was ‘good enough’ and her recovery commenced from then. The connection with a higher power is always, I think, a core part of recovery, whatever it is you are recovering from. All the best to you!

    Reply

  38. So, I know this is an old post, but I checked out your YouTube videos and hit the hyperlink. I’m glad I did. I’ve always loved this song, and it has brought tears to my eyes at times in the past, and today, listening to you, was one of those times. You have a very beautiful voice. Much like when Johnny Cash sang Amazing Grace, your rendition of “Here I Am To Worship” is done by someone who really “gets” the message of the song and knows full well the cost of the gift we’ve been given.

    I’d love to hear you sing more!

    Reply

    • oh my gosh, thank you 🙂 I am seriously so touched that you would take time out of your day to listen to my songs 🙂 i am so grateful for that. thank you. big hugs

      Reply

      • You’re welcome, Caralyn. But, seriously, think nothing of it. I’m a free lance writer and I love listening to music while I work, and yours was no exception. If anything, I’m the one who should be thanking you for that gift of music you shared.

      • ANd to thank ou further for your song, I’d like to share with you the lyrics to a song I’ve come to love that has spoken to me in times when I’ve been struggling. It’s called “Better Than I”, and it’s from the animated movie “Josephi: King of Dreams” which was a prequel to The Prince of Egypt.

        Any rate:

        “I thought I did what’s right
        I thought I had the answers
        I thought I chose the surest road
        But that road brought me here
        So I put up a fight
        And told you how to help me
        Now just when I have given up
        The truth is coming clear

        Chorus 1:
        You know better than I
        You know the way

        I’ve let go the need to know why
        For You know better than I

        If this has been a test
        I cannot see the reason
        But maybe knowing
        I don’t know is part of getting through
        I tried to do what’s best
        But faith has made it easy
        To see the best thing I can do
        Is to put my trust in You.

        Chorus 2
        For, You know better than I
        You know the way
        I’ve let go the need to know why
        For You know better than I

        Coda:
        I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
        I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
        But it was You who taught that bird to fly
        If I let You reach me
        Will You teach me?
        (Repeat Chorus )

        For, You know better than I
        You know the way
        I’ve let go the need to know why
        I’ll take what answers you supply
        You know better than I “

      • Mmm, probabl not like the chills I got when I noticed you had said songs, plural, and that was when I saw on your soundcloud your cover of “Shall Not Want”. I’ve never heard that song before today. That was even more beautiful and haunting then your rendition of “Here I am to Worship”, if that is even possible. Like I said before, please, post more to soundcloud of your singing!

      • oh my gosh! you seriously just made my day!! thank you Jonathon!! 🙂 yeah, that is one of my absolute favorite songs. I recorded it for my parents for christmas last year. thanks again for saying such nice things. who knows, I may just have to sing another song here 🙂 haha hugs xox

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