Resolution RealTalk

It’s hard to believe, but the Christmas season is officially behind us.

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Come this time tomorrow, we will be ringing in 2016.

2016.

I mean, jeezel petes. Where did time go?

Whether we like it or not, the time is upon us to set new years resolutions.

I think the number one resolution in America is to shed the holiday weight. Which, for obvious reasons, is NOT on my list.

Duh.

Nope, you won’t find this gal doing a juice fast anytime soon. #SorryNotSorry

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Another popular one is to get “in shape.” Which, is evident from the brawls over the treadmills at the gym come Jan 1.

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But I thought about it, and I wanted to share a post about New Years. After all, it is a “high profile” societal cleansing we all do. A collective fresh start.

And instead of being “preachy” about resolve to do this or don’t resolve to do that…Or some long winded reflection about the symbolic “clean slate” that is flipping the calendar over to another year (I mean come on, y’all are smart people) I thought I’d instead share with you my resolution.

When I think about the coming year, I’m filled with hope.

I know. How cheesy.

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But seriously, I truly am.

This past year, by the grace of God, I feel stronger in my recovery than I have ever felt before. Thanks to this blog, my family and I have had some wonderfully healing and honest conversations, making us grow even closer than before, if that’s even possible.

And I have made great strides in loving myself, both inside and out. I know that sounds so…conceited or pompous, or something, but knowing my history, you know how important and how difficult that has been. For the first time, really since my recovery from anorexia, I can say that I do feel beautiful. I look in the mirror and see a daughter of God, that yes, is beautiful.

I think one of the biggest ways I have demonstrated self-love is in my acceptance of love from my friends. By saying “yes” to any and all invitations, and allowing myself to truly receive their love.

But for as great as those advancements are, there is still one area of my heart that I have yet to open. A deep recess of my soul that is still staunchly barricaded and, quite frankly, has atrophied over the years.

I’m talking about the part of my heart that is reserved for my future husband. The part of my soul that I’ve buried away, shut off from even looking for love.

Because I still have yet to allow a man to love me.
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My friends and loved ones and God: that’s one thing. Don’t get me wrong, that was an incredible feat to overcome, allowing myself to receive their love again.

But from a man — a potential husband — that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.

Because here’s the thing: I know that a romantic relationship — a real romantic relationship — not one of those…”We’re texting” charades, but a real. grown-up. could-you-be-The-One. relationship comes with some pretty scary realities.

A true relationship requires both honesty and vulnerability. Openness and truth. Translation: I would have to share the fact that I battled anorexia with my boyfriend/bae/fiancé/future husband/__[insert slang term here]___.

 

But all kidding aside, that’s a huuuge thing for me. I have a very select few people in my current life that know about my past. I don’t like to talk about it. My anorexia robbed me of so many years, I do not want it to infiltrate my new life and taint the beautiful freedom of recovery.

And that anxiety I have about opening up to a man about that has made me just completely shut out the idea of dating entirely. Nope. Sorry. Unavailable. Thanks for the offer, but no. 

 

And I’m the master of excuses: Too busy. Too focused on my friends and my acting career. Too in love with the single life. Too in love with NYC’s nightlife. NYC guys suck. Online dating is lame. Guys are only after one thing. Don’t want to complicate my friend group with romance. — I’ve used every excuse in the book.

When the truth is: I’m not ready to allow a man to love me — all of me. The not-so-perfect parts of me. The broken parts of me.

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So this year, I am going to take a giant leap into the deep end, and just crack that door open a little bit:

Be open to love.

Be open to allowing a man -the right man- into my world. My wounded past. My world that I only share with you beautiful people and a select few “rock stars.”

Because the truth is, I am lovable. And the even bigger truth is that I have a lot of love to give. A whole hell of a lot.

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That’s what we were made for. That’s what makes us whole.

And I want to find that someone with whom I can give my heart to and know that it is safe in his hands, and who will love me still.



He is out there.

And starting today I am going to be open to meeting him, letting him in, and letting him love me…all of me.

Happy New Year, friends.

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129 responses to “Resolution RealTalk”

  2. My New Years wish to you, and me too:
    “We can rebuild them. We have the technology. We can make them them better than they were before. Better, stronger, faster.”
    -It’s part of the biblical narrative, but also from the “Six Million Dollar Man’, because well I’m a a bit of a nerd and all.

    Reply

    • Hi Boon! Haha oh gosh. I am a bit of one as well!🤓☺️ hehe but seriously though that is such a great quote. Thank you for sharing it. Here’s to 2016 and a strong and healthy year! Thanks for stopping by! 🙂

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  3. Try not to put too much pressure on any relationship with a man before it starts. Try to form a relationship with a man first before sharing the intimate details of your wounded past.

    I wish you all the luck in your search for a man that wants the same things as you. It isn’t always easy. Most men really are shallow, unfortunately.

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    • Thank you so much Amanda! You’re so right: SO much harder. It doesn’t matter if it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship-being vulnerable and open takes courage!! Thanks for stopping by and for your kind words! Happy 2016! 🎉

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  8. Oh my goodness I could have written this (sloppily with bad grammar). I am so afraid of allowing myself to be loved because the people who were supposed to love me in the past were also the most hurtful. I struggle with allowing myself the greatest love because I don’t know if it’s worth the pain.
    Happy New Year <3

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    • Ellie! Hi beautiful:) I hear you, sweet girl. I just want you to know that you are so worth the greatest love. Truly. It absolute GREATEST. I am so sorry that those that were supposed to love you dropped the ball. You did not deserve that. Because you are precious and good. 🙂 I mean that with my whole heart. There is someone out there for you that will take your heart into his hands and treasure and respect and love it with all that it deserves. I believe that. For both you and I. Our knights are out there:) love you so much girlie. Wishing you a happy and joyous new year. Hugs! Xoxoxox

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      • Thanks babe 🙂 You make me smile so wide! I am so happy God has blessed me with your words. He is using you in more ways than you know!

      • ☺️oh my gosh Ellie. Your comment just made my day. You’re making ME smile so wide!! Haha but seriously. Love you to the moon girl and am so grateful for your friendship xoxo

  9. Beautiful and God will place him in your life in His perfect timing and your heart will be prepared! Praise God for your healing and transparency, that’s my prayer for the church, more honesty, less fluff! Love this post! Happy new year friend!

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    • Thank you so much for such kind words:) ❤️ yes I do believe that with all my heart. God is preparing his heart for me like He is preparing my heart for his. Now just gotta wait on His timing! Haha thanks for stopping by! Happy 2016🎉

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  13. Well, it all depends on how one calculates the Christmas season. For me, the 12-day Christmas season ends on January 5.

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    • Hi Paul. Very true. I guess I was referring to “post-December 25.” But you’re absolutely right. The Christmas season in the Church lasts until the Feast of the Baptism of the Lord. ☺️☺️ I’ll be celebrating right along with you! Thanks for stopping by! Have a great night!

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  14. Hi again, (this is the second post I read and comment on this eve 😁)

    I just want to say that so far, this is the post that I can relate to the most, I though I was the only one.

    Even though my past is completely different from yours, I too think of how will I bring my past up to that one person. And also, though I have much to love to give to, I don’t want it to turn cold either ( I though of C.S. Lewis’ quote : “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”) This is certainly me.

    Nonetheless, as I pray for this area of my life, I’ll be shooting you up in prayer as well!

    Goodnight!

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    • Hello again Merisol! Thanks again for reading and for your beautiful reflection! I absolutely love CS Lewis. And this quote is so powerful. Wow. It really made me stop and think this morning. Such captivating imagery. Yes, to love is to be vulnerable. Thanks for the prayers and for being a beam of sunshine 🙂 hugs and love to you, Marisol!

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  17. Another beautiful post as usual 🙂 One of the most interesting things about this blog entry is the talk of New Years Resolutions. The interesting ones are not so much the ones about weight loss, but stuff like cleaning the house better or try not to get upset If somebody makes small mistakes. These are not mine, but from people I know. I am still trying to figure out what mine is going to be 🙂 One things I will most definitely be doing in 2016 is visiting this site and leaving a comment on each new blog entry of yours 🙂 Anyway, have a Happy New Year and keep up the great work as always 🙂

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    • Thank you so much John! Haha oh that is an awesome resolution! 😉 😉 😉 but seriously, I just wanted to reiterate how much your continued readership and support and reflections mean to me. I always look forward to the little nuggets of powerful truth you leave in the comments section. They always make me thing and offer a profound insight. So thank you for that. Happy new year friend! 🙂

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  18. Another incredible piece. Thank you for allowing us into your life like this. When you do let him find you, you’ll be in the somewhat unique place of hang actually thought a out the implications first. All too often we dive in to relationships without understaning the consequences. You have so much self-respect and it is truly admirable. You understand yourself deeply which will only result in understanding both what you need in your life but also understanding any future partner better. Beware though, not everyone is blessed in this way like you and you may need to give that someone else latitude and time to evolve to the same degree.
    Have patience. Good luck though. You’re in for a treat when you find it.

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    • Oh gosh, thank you so much for such kind words! It has definitely been a journey. And this self-awareness has come from a history that is not very pretty. And I am still learning everyday. But I am grateful for the lessons I had to learn the hard way, which I guess is true about a lot in life. You share a lot of wisdom here. Yes, patience is key, for myself, as well as to whoever comes into my life:) thanks again for stopping by! Hugs to you! Happy 2016!

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  19. I feel as if I really need to thank you for what you share on your beautiful blog. This piece is so relevant to me right now; it’s as if it was made to give me the courage and inspiration. I love the images you create too; I’ve saved a couple on my phone from your Woman in Gold post, just to remind me that I can be strong and let the past be the past. Again, thank you, and I wish you so much luck and love in 2016. x

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    • Thank you so much Jo! I’m glad this piece resonated with you:) and I’m so glad you like my images! I do really have fun creating them:) and yes, you ARE strong ☺️ thanks for stopping by and for such encouraging words! Happy new year!

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  20. Beautiful. I love this hopeful text. I am so happy that you will try the new adventure of love. I wish you find the right person! I am so thinking the same as you, it is hard to dare to show someone your old “scars”. But here is to hope! 😊 💜 Happy New Year’s!

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    • Hi friend! Yes, here’s to hope! You’re right, it can be scary, but when I have shared my “scars” with the ge people I have, it has been so incredibly freeing and has deepened our friendship so much. And yes, an adventure it will be! Thanks for stopping by! Happy new year! ❤️

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  22. Saw you stopped by and “liked” recent post – and so I wandered over here! And well I had to make the comment that the Christmas season isn’t behind us! Christmas is the celebration of the 12 days from Christmas day(December 25th) to January 5th! Yes there really are 12 Days of Christmas. The time before Christmas Day is not Christmas but Advent: the anticipation of Christmas. The Christmas season ends on twelfth night of Christmas and traditionally that was the celebration of Twelfth Night.
    January 6th being the Feast of the Epiphany when the three wise-men arrive and offer gifts to the new born child.
    My post here on Twelfth night might be of interest!
    http://merlinspielen.com/2015/01/05/twelfth-day-of-christmas-twelve-drummers-drumming/
    And so let me say Twelfth Night is an opportunity for you to embrace real change – since Twelfth night is the night when the order/reality of the past is overturned and remade anew! It is the night when walls are removed, prisons are destroyed and hope blossoms!
    Aside from my little pendantic escapade into the history of Christmas traditions I did want to say your post moved me to wish you all the best in 2016 and for your future as you move ahead, as you rediscover yourself, and as you build strong supportive relationships in your life!
    I know what it is like to want the kind of love you are hoping to find. I never did find it – too wrapped up in pursuing other dreams. Or I missed it because I didn’t open my eyes. No matter. We – every one of us alive – are where we each are because of the path we took and the choices we made each moment in time. The most important choice we make is this: to keep our eyes on the horizon of a chosen destination or enjoy the journey be being where we are NOW and open to the possibility of new horizons with those that walk near us? With age comes wisdom – and I would recommend the second choice. Embrace those that walk near you and they will help carry you to where you need to be!
    Happy Blessed New Year!

    Reply

    • What beautiful words:) thank you so much for sharing your wisdom, Merlin! You’re right, that is absolutely the most important choice. Living in the now allows us to fully experience everything life has to offer-people, places, faith–otherwise, we miss it! (I’m so guilty of this with my phone!!) and also, you’re so right about the Christmas season. I was more referring to the “secular Christmas/hustle-bustle/shopping-pre-dec25” time period, but you’re so right. The celebration continues on! Just this past Sunday was the feast of the holy family-another rich and joyous celebration and personal favorite of mine:) so yes! Let’s party on! ☺️☺️☺️ thanks again for stopping by! Happy 2016! 🎉

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  23. Once again you show us your vulnerability and it gives us the courage to share ours. I know there is someone God is preparing for you to meet because of you are a truly specially designed child of God. Rest in His embrace, knowing that he prepares the way for you. Happy New Year.

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    • Oh my gosh, thank you for such kind and thoughtful words, Loretta! That gives me so much peace. I do believe that God is preparing his heart just like He’s preparing mine. Have a wonderful new year, friend! Hugs!

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  26. Thank you so much for the amazing honesty and vulnerability in your blog posts. It’s an incredible testimony to God’s grace in your life. I think many people, especially Christians, are afraid to be so vulnerable, but it ultimately just robs us of a chance to point to how great our God is. Keep up the amazing writing!

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  27. Thank you so much for the honesty and vulnerability found in your blog! I think it’s an incredible testimony to God’s grace in your life. It’s so easy to be afraid to be so vulnerable, but when we do we are robbing ourselves of a chance to bring more glory to our Savior. Keep up the great writing!

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  28. I feel like we’re on the exact same page! EXACT. I’m totally with you on the husband thing. I thank God (and asked him to) not allow marriage in my life until ED is over. I wouldn’t want ED influencing my hubby or future kids. Hence, today I’m single, but ready to mingle lol but only with who Daddy God wants me to! Happy New Years to you!! Great writing!

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    • Thank you so much Anna! That is so true and so powerful. And WOOO! Single and ready to mingle! 🎉 the right guys are out there for us! And God is preparing their hearts and as well as ours! Happy new year, friend!

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  29. Amen, sister! It’s funny, though, because I was pondering on what this coming New Year would perhaps hold right after Christmas. “2016… 20-16… 16… what does the number 16 stand for, biblically?” So I looked it up and the number 16 stands for LOVE, apparently. In the Old Testament there are 16 names of God that reveal His love for Israel. And in the New Testament, in 1 Corinthians 13, Paul gives us 16 attributes of love. I, too, believe that 2016 will be a year of love, whether it be a rekindling or new one.

    Happy New Year to you! May we all enter 2016 in the peace, joy and LOVE of our Savior, Jesus Christ 🙂

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  30. Happy New Year! It’s good to know you are on the way of genuinely loving and accepting yourself. I’ve been always convinced that the only person we should rely on 100% is ourselves. Nobody loves the one who doesn’t love him-or herself. It shows, it feels and it is very obvious. That still doesn’t mean to become completely egocentric and narcissistic.
    I wish you all the good things which come together with loving yourself in the New Year! May it bring you good health, joy, love and new inspiration!

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    • Hi friend! Oh you offer so much wisdom here you’re right: we have to love ourselves. Thank you for the 2016 wishes! I hope you have a fabulous new year! Hugs! Thanks for stopping by!

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  31. Have a great year ahead..
    Opening up is a part of healing. If he’s the right one, you will never have to look back on the memories again.
    But it takes a ton of courage and guts to do it. You can do it; after all, you achieved what’s still impossible to many.
    So go strong.
    Take it slow and you will find the right one at the right time.
    All prayers and well wishes.

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  35. Praying for you. I can see healing through your words. It takes a lot of courage to allow transparency in our lives. I’m proud of your progress. If I could, I’d give you a momma’s hug even though I don’t you. May God guide you to the right person. Keep God in your heart.

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    • Thank you so much Debbie:) I appreciate the hug! I’ll take it!☺️☺️☺️ yes, God is so good and I know He has a good plan for my life that includes a good man:) thanks for stopping by and for your kind words! Love and blessings to you!

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  36. Thank you so much for visiting my blog, Evident Grace, and “liking” it. I have enjoyed reading a bit of yours now. May God continue to bless you and bring about all the wonderful plans He has for your life.

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    • Thank you so much Donna. Yes, God does have a good plan for his children:) what a comfort that is to think about. Thanks for that beautiful reminder. I appreciate you stopping by! Hugs!

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  37. Thanks for reading my post – there are a lot of facets to love aren’t there? And now I see one of the reasons you’re interested. Trust God to take care of you as you open up to what his plan may be. He knows all there is to know about a very big subject.

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  38. Beautiful energy and words. May you continue to triumph this year. Wishing you a multitude of opportunities that haven’t even been considered in your mind but will help you continue to excel as the beauty you are. I’m excited for you already 🙂

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  40. Looks like you can scratch me off your list. I can’t even get a date with my own computer! Just when I’m about to finish something important, a sign comes up every single time saying: ‘Windows will shut down in one minute!’ But listen. We could… Awe damn it all to HELL!!

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  44. Congratulations on your remarkable progress! You have so much to be proud of and are a beacon of light in the world! When opening up about your past seems hard, always remember that God uses ALL the parts of us, even our flaws and our sins, to bring about his saving plan. He is great and mysterious, and even though your battles with anorexia were painful and brutal, you have already affected the lives of so many others and brought from those experiences so much love and healing. Those experiences are written in your beautiful, shining soul! ❤️❤️❤️

    I am wishing you so much joy and happiness in the coming year and am praying that you find that special someone, or that you are open to him when he finds you. 😊❤️

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    • Hi Lulu, thank you so much. Your words bring so much peace and comfort to my spirit! God is so good. And yes, he will use ALL of me for good. (Funny note: it just autocorrected “good” for “food!”) 😂but seriously thank you. Have a wonderful day, friend❤️

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  45. Wow this is amazing! I’m glad you’re taking such a huge step in your life. Just know it won’t be easy, but one day you will meet someone you’re comfortable being vulnerable with. Be careful though because not everyone can handle all you have to give. I wish you the best of luck in keeping your resolution. Happy new year 🙂

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  46. Great post and thanks for sharing. I can definitely understand your awe at the prospect of sharing life and love with a future husband, and you have done so well opening yourself to the love of others. You have triumphed! I can honestly tell you, it took me a while to get to where I am now with love, but when you meet the right man, he will love you and accept you because you were just the right match for the girl he has been dreaming of. You may meet some non-matches along the way, just shrug them off, learn and keep knowing who you want, he WILL show up! I have shared crippling chronic fatigue and depression with my husband, something that happened soon after we got married. I never thought i would be able to share such deep and private darkness with him, but it was my love for him that made me strong enough to do so. You will share that love with the right man too 🙂 oh look at me I am a hopeless romantic 🙂 but it’s true. Life is NOT easy, and a marriage needs to have space for the ups and downs… The downs make the ups so much sweeter in the end too. Happy New Year! Xx

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    • Thank you so much. I appreciate your wisdom! It sounds like you have really nurtured a beautiful marriage. What a testimony! But you’re right. Life is not easy and having a partner that a)knows and respects that and b) will love you and walk you through it is amazing. Thanks again for stopping by! Hugs!

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  47. Thanks for stopping by my blog!
    Glad to hear (or should I say read?) about your renewed strength, in regards to recovery. God is good.

    Happy new year!

    Grace,

    Jonnathan

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      • My pleasure.
        Please read Ephesians 1:3-14, Colossians 3:1-17, and Romans 8. These are some of my favorite passages to read about God’s redemptive work for us in Christ. Read the passages and allow the Spirit to awaken your heart to these amazing gospel truths. Hope you are encouraged!

  48. Happy New Year. A new year, a new day, a new start it is all a open to hope. Opening yourself to romantic relationships can be scary – keep a sense of humor. When you meet the right person you will know, you will trust him, but even then it will be hard. There is no need to share every part of you until you are sure that there is trust, love and respect. You got this.

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  49. Thank you for sharing your New Year resolution. I appreciate your willingness to prepare your heart and faith with your future husband in mind. You convey a great sense of humor in your writing and I was hooked when I say a meme from Saved By the Bell! Zach Morris is hopefully timeless. Thanks for checking out my blog and I look forward to reading more of your work!

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  53. Feeling emotional reading this! That’s what I want for this new year. But you just put it in the exact words that I wanted ❤️❤️❤️. You are a beautiful soul

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    • Oh my gosh, seriously Thank you for this. Your comments have just filled my heart with so much positivity and encouragement. I am so grateful. Glad you stopped by and that you’ve been enjoying my posts! Have a wonderful day! Hugs and love to you, friend!

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  55. First, thanks for the belly laugh over the gym meme!

    Second, I scanned some comments on another post; one guy mentioned about the partial pics of you. You’re not ready to show all of you or your name yet. Personally, I think that’s fine. I kind of like calling you “Beauty,” because that’s who you are, a Beauty made by God, recalled from wastelands of ED (I’m following one other girl currently in recover, a2eternity. I address her as A2. Not nearly as catchy). THAT is you real name so far as I’m concerned.

    Don’t really know what you look like? I do. I see you in your writing. If I ever did meet you face to face, I’d recognize that glow, that smile anywhere.

    You future husband – who is out there – will know you too. You’ll be the one he’s been looking for too, the one he’s been saving his heart for. Will he reject you over ED? No. It may surprise him that Beauty has that past, but it won’t push him away. Just as you bring out the dad in me who wants to protect and comfort you, so you’ll bring out the man in him who wants to offer himself as your refuge, just as Christ offered Himself for His Bride.

    Don’t worry. Your hope is neither cheesy nor misplaced. It’s a budding flower, preparing to show its true colors. He’ll see them.

    Your friend, in Christ.

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    • Wow, Jeffrey. This brought a tear to my eye. What beautiful and kind words! Oh my gosh, thank you. You’re a good friend. You know, it’s funny because I’ve been feeling more and more drawn to share who I “really” am. My mom sent a package yesterday and before I opened it o was like, ok…ill write about whatever it is. And I open it and it’s a book about blogging. So I go–ok whatever page I flip to I’ll write about (clearly I was having writers block haha) but the page I flipped to was literally titled “don’t be anonymous”! I wish I could attach a picture cuz I took a pic of the page cuz it was just too weird. I dunno-long story short, I do feel as though I will some day “introduce” myself, but I’m just waiting on Gods timing for that. Putting my name out there not only impacts me, but my family as well, so I just have to be mindful. Anyways this is getting long winded now hah- thank you for your kindness, again. Have a beautiful Saturday !

      Reply

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