A Reflection on 5000


There’s an elephant in the room…

…and it’s YOU! All 5,000 of you!

Yes, I recently hit 5,000 subscribers.

And I just wanted to express my sincere gratitude to all of you for taking time out of your day to come read my posts and check out my silly little quote art pictures.

Thank you.

You know, it’s funny. Because when I started this blog, I was never doing it for “the numbers.” I literally just wanted to share my experience, with the prayer that even one person who is struggling with an eating disorder, or the loved one of someone struggling, might find hope and encouragement here. One person. That was all I was hoping for.

So it absolutely humbles me that you would care to read my words.

So, thank you 🙂

When I think about the number 5,000….the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 comes to mind.

Now, if you have never heard it, quick recap: (Matthew 14) Jesus was being followed by a crowd of 5,000 people. At the end of the day, they became hungry (duh) but all anyone had was 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. So Jesus said, “Bring them here to me.” So then He took the food, “gave thanks and broke the loaves.” Then Jesus goes, Yo, pass it around.  So the disciples gave the food to the 5,000 people. “They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up 12 basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. The number of those who ate was about 5,000 men.”

It was a miracle




Now, I’m going to say something, and I don’t want it to be taken the wrong way. I mean, I seriously hope not. Here’s what I’m not saying: a) I am in no way saying that I am like Jesus. And b) I’m not suggesting that I am “feeding” 5,000 people with some groundbreaking spiritual/emotional “food.” Uuuh, no.

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So with that out on the table, I continue.

The story of the Feeding of the 5,000 does make me think about this blog. But for a different reason.

Jesus fed all those people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. AKA: next to nothing. 

He miraculously multiplied it.

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I’m going to be really honest here for a minute: most days, I feel unworthy of publishing posts, feeling that my words aren’t enough – that I’m wasting your time, or that what I have to say really doesn’t matter. Who cares? You’re a joke, anyways.

But this story gives me so much hope.

Because Jesus takes what little there was, and makes it enough.

 
 

Most days, I think to myself, what could I possibly have to say? I’m a twenty-something, single girl, who is a measly actor/nanny with a veryyyyy questionable background … I mean, I allowed myself to waste away to literally death’s doorstep….sooo what could I possibly have to say that is worth even a teensy bit?

But God takes that miniscule bit I have to offer, and makes it enough.

And He does for you, too

It doesn’t have to be to a blog. It can be in any facet of life.

Sometimes it’s needing the strength to make it through a particularly stressful day. Or getting up the courage to have a conversation that is difficult but necessary. Or that thread that your relationship is holding on by – God takes all those things and makes them enough.

But we’ve got to give Him what we have to offer. “Bring them here to Me.” Because then what does He do? He blesses and breaks it.

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One of the comments I get quite often is about how “vulnerable” I am on here. And first of all, thank you for taking the time to comment. But I can honestly say, that that vulnerability is not my doing. It is Jesus breaking me. It is Jesus taking what I have to offer – my history of anorexia and my journey to recovery – and pouring His light through those wounds so that not only can I heal, but also potentially someone else, too.

It is Him.

He makes it enough. He takes the pathetic offering I have to give, and works a miracle.

Those people that day, they weren’t eating the original 5 loaves and 2 fish, but the miraculous bread and fish – the food that He created. That He miraculously produced. Yes, it came from the original 5L/2F, but it was actually His loaves and fishes they were chowing down on.

I can just imagine the disciples that day, before the miracle, taking an inventory of what they had to give to Jesus. Like, Uuuh….there are like 5,000 people here, and we’ve got….uhhh….5 loaves and 2 fish. *Nervous laugh* 

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I mean, I would be embarrassed to even bring them to Him as an offering. I’d expect Jesus to scoff and be like, Are you kidding me? You expect me to work with THIS?

And how many times have I thought that about my own life? But He never does. He doesn’t roll His eyes or turn me away. He goes, Okay. I can work with this. Let’s do this.

And He does.

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He can work miracles. Even with just a couple of stinky fish and stale bread.

So what more can He do with you and I?

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196 responses to “A Reflection on 5000”

  2. Congratulations! You are reaching, and having an effect on, a lot of people. Your vulnerability is your strength and your reliance upon God is your consistent, honest message, and it is oh, so wonderful to see people respond to it.

    Big hugs for an exceptional lady who gives God a beautiful voice.

    Reply

  6. Thank you for sharing! Very inspirational. When I was in treatment we were always told that the numbers did not matter. It is what is inside us that matters. Our hearts, minds, and souls and what we do with them and our gifts. Being an engineer numbers are everything. At least on paper. It never really works in practice. But… in this case 5000 followers is something to rejoice over and give thanks to God about! I have no where near 5000 people following my blog. That number is irrelevant to me. But, like you, I believe that if even one of my posts, one word or phrase I may share, would be enough to help even one person who needs to see it just at that moment; then I know I have made a difference in helping to advance the Kingdom of God. Just as you are. Just as all Christ followers are.

    Keep up the wonderful work! Love & blessings!

    Reply

    • Hey Lizzy! Oh gosh, thank you so much. You’re so right. It’s never ever about the numbers, nor has it ever been. We are just called to share God’s love to the world, no matter how many are listening. Thanks so much for your support and friendship! Hugs and love to you! Xoxo

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  9. Congratulations on the 5,000 mark! You have helped me in so many ways babe <3 I have a completely odd question today that maybe I should email you about. Just wondering what photo editing software you use?

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  12. Another great post, and very well done for reaching the magical 5000! I too am doing a blog to simply record my thoughts, reflections and experiences, if I get a fraction of that number it would humble me, you always post a great blog, well done again!

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  14. Wow, beautiful post! I’ve recently started blogging and can totally relate to feeling unworthy. I am so inspired after reading your post. God is so good, and I love that you are helping everyone to be reminded that we all have a purpose. Blessings to you.

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  15. What a beautiful post! Praise God for the journey you’re on. You’ve inspired me to write more about my faith on my own blog, even though I’m not sure I’m good enough to do that. Congratulations on hitting 5000!! Awesome achievement!

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  18. I can empathize with the hope that one, maybe just one person will read something I write and it might help them. I remember nights of gleaning the internet for ANYTHING that would motivate me. I admire your sharing and your constant search for the beauty in your experience.

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    • God of Wonders is right! and I absolutely love that song 🙂 hehe thanks for stopping by! Sorry to just now be responding to your comments! WordPress accidentally filtered them into the spam folder…i have NO IDEA why! Any who…glad that’s figured out! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond! have a wonderful day! hugs!

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    • Thank you so much Br Andrew! Wow that is so kind of you to say. God is good. I just try to keep my eyes on Him and try to do His will. I appreciate your readership 🙂 have a wonderful evening!

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  23. and yes indeed God has used you in every miraculous way, to impact lives all around even if you’re unaware. people may not comment but i’m sure His words, through you will speak to many souls. and God uses every vessel, even broken ones, to glorify Him 💞

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  25. What a beautiful post!! our God is so amazing!
    I love how you describe your vulnerability! I look at my life in the same way- that he shines his lights through our cracks and brokenness and through that, we can encourage others and tell of the Hope He offers x

    I’m so pleased many have read your blogs, as even if just one person found comfort and encouragement through it- then it’s all worth it!

    Bless you!

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    • Thank you so much Cheryl! Yes He is! Amen to that! And you’re so right. The Hope that He offers is life changing. Thanks for such encouraging words this morning. Hugs and love to you xx

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  26. I do pray you can see how God is using You. I am sure in the depths of illness you questioned, just as Job, “Why?” Perhaps…that is unfolding for you now. And remember…in the end Job was doubly-blessed. 😘 Hugs & Blessings my dear one.

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  27. I just think you’re amazing 🙂 & God does like to surprise us wonderfully! I think when we’re willing to share our roughest patches in life & our biggest struggles, God makes more fruit out of them than we could ever imagine! 🙂

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    • Oh my gosh, Anna. Thank you so much! I think you’re right. God likes to shower His children with love and blessings that’s for sure. Thanks for being such a positive light in my life! ☺️

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  30. Wow!

    I am yet to find my purpose.. so I am kind of just trying to ‘love’. I hope He is preparing me for that little I can do with His Grace. This post reminded me of St. Catherine of Siena’s quote ( which I revisited in a blog that I follow) : “If you are what you should be, you will set the whole world on fire!”( Paraphrased)

    Congratulations on reaching 5K!! Yay!

    – Carol

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  31. Beautiful!! May God bless you richly as you continue to share your story and your love! My daughter is in recovery from anorexia and still fights the battle daily. Your blog is a way for me to ‘stay connected’ to what she might be feeling though she doesn’t always express it. Our faith is what has gotten us through this ugly battle with ED/Satan and I am so grateful for your perspective to fight the true demon with the TRUTH of God’s word! Stay the course BBB… you deserve the freedom Christ promises! Big hugs to you!

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    • Thank you so much for this encouragement and affirmation, Kristin. I am so sorry to hear that your daughter is in the throes. I will absolutely keep her and you and your family in my prayers. She can and will get through this. Jesus is the ultimate rescuer. Sending love and hugs. And feel free to email me if you need,nor id be happy to email with your daughter too:) xoxox

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  35. When arguing about the authenticity of the Gospels, I once explained their discrepancies as reflecting the different experiences of 12 graduate students working for a university professor. We tend to focus on what Jesus was doing, but the psychological experience of the disciples is equally fascinating. Unfortunately, they just didn’t have the words to describe the work that he was doing on them. Some of them focus on the rules, and finally John concludes that the main point was to be prepared for an introduction to the force of unconditional love. But the process – isn’t that what the seeker requires on his journey. A sign post that says “Hey, I’ve been here before you! Go this way!”

    That is the value of your work, and the work of so many others who bare their soul out here on WordPress. It’s to document the journey for others. At some point, of course, that will mean surrendering the wounded self, just as John surrenders the wound of Christ being led to the cross by transforming it into a confident proclamation of victory. I hope every day to hear that shout coming from those that write here!

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    • Oh my gosh Brian what thoughtful and affirming words! Thank you so much! And what a cool connection. You’re right. I just pray that God gives me the words that even one person needs to hear. Thanks for your continued readership. I always look forward to your insightful comments. Have a great weekend! ☺️☺️☺️☺️

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  37. Feeding 5000

    Bread is symbolic for the consuming of the understanding that you planted, nurtured and grew in the fertile fields of your soul/mind. The mind is not a perfect place. In fact it’s downright dirty hence we are made of the insignificant dust. But like plants that grow from the fertilizer a quality of purity appears and rises up incorruptible from the corruptible. So once you harvest, refine and test your truths you gain a bread of truth that’s desirable to be consumed and add to your inner strength of your soul/mind. So, as bread is symbolic for understanding, the fish too are symbolic as men, or rather as ideas that swim around in the murky spirit waters of your head. After all, this is your inner-world we are talking about here and not a literal world. In the world of the mind many things are likened to living things. So men here are as ideas that grow from conceptions and populate with other ideas that too started from the dust of insignificance. Just think of Adam as being made of the ‘adamah called ground and this idea propagates a series of truths from other truths. One idea brings forth another and so forth. But we are not eating men here are we? We are eating bread and fish. Consider then that fish are as lost ideals that are without enlightenment but yet they have the potential to be elevated into the light of reasoning, hence we get the saying of “fishers of men” where you bring lost souls/men/ideas into the light. So we fish for truth or ideas that are not yet fully realized so they may become elevated or understood truths.

    So this means you have understanding (Bread) and potential (Fish) that are ready to be consumed by a hungry waiting crowd. But wait, Jesus does not feed the hungry people. He tells His disciples to do it. So it is your discipline that feeds the masses without enlightenment. Jesus, His disciples and even the crowd are all still symbolic of your mind’s hunger for truth. So you are the crowd, that hungers, the disciples that serves, and even Christ resides within you symbolizing the embodiment of the higher Truth, all working together to free your mind/soul of ignorance.

    So consider then that the 12 baskets collected are your mind that has expanded and grown through the consumption of truth. The New Jerusalem has 12 gates of pearl. That’s 12 wisdoms that lead to salvation that you gained.

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    • wow, what awesome insight! Thank you so much for sharing this reflection. You have so much wisdom! I love it! Thanks for taking the time to read my words and share your thoughts! I look forward to reading what you have to say:) have a great weekend!

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  38. Every time I think I’ve found my favorite post from you, I am humbled and inspired again. I am so grateful to have found your blog. Your words are beautiful, heartfelt, and true. I am so awed by your courage, especially your courage to be so honest and forthright about the role your faith plays in your life and your recovery. I struggle to communicate my faith, even though it is my lifeblood, because I am scared of offending others or of “getting it wrong.” I tell myself I have no business discussing such things, because I’m not an expert or an authority. Like you, I tell myself that I don’t know what I’m talking about. Your perspective is a breath of fresh air. You are absolutely worthy of sharing your story, and I am so glad that you choose to do so with each post. Your words and images turn on little lights in my heart. 💖

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    • Oh my gosh thank you so much Lulu. Your words seriously touched my heart. I have tears in my eyes right now. Thank you. You spoke to my spirit, and I am so grateful. I pray that you feel worthy to share your faith, because you ARE, my friend. You are so worthy. And it brings our heavenly father so much joy when his children share about him. Know that I am cheering for you 🙂 sending so much love xoxox

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      • Thank you so much for your kindness and encouragement! I know that if I ask God to help me love myself, forgive myself, and love and serve him better, he will answer my prayers, because he wants these things for me, too! Thank you for reminding me of these truths and for always encouraging others by your faith. ❤️

  39. I just found your blog, but I’m already touched. Your soul number seems to be 5,000. Mine is 153… another fish reference, too! It’s the number found in the net in the Bible, and it’s also the number of kisses a day to kiss your child each day to give them a million kisses by the time they are an adult.

    Your thoughts about reaching just one… it’s how I still get the energy to wake up at 5 am to teach every day.

    Thanks for keeping me inspired!

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    • Oh my gosh thank you so much:) aww 153 that’s so sweet about a million kisses! You sounds like a great teacher and mom! Thanks for stopping by and for your kind words! Hugs!

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  40. “Then Jesus goes, ‘Yo, pass it around’” I laughed out loud at that! Best re-telling of a bible story goes to you haha 🙂

    Thank you for sharing your words and your heart with us

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  41. I agree with the majority of the other posts, this is just beautifully written 🙂 But then again that is not surprising given how much me and the 5,000 readers love coming here 🙂 I think your Jesus analogy is perfect and I do not feel you are trying to compare yourself to him. If anything else, you are acknowledging his significance to us 🙂 Everything you have written here is just flawless 🙂 One of my friends the other day was talking about how it seems that the longer time passes as one more than recovers from a past disorder, the more relaxed they become. Just a thought to ponder 🙂 You should feel every bit of happiness with the often said unpredictable achievement of gaining so many subscribers and readers because it shows that people care about your work 🙂 Anyway, keep up the great work as always and here is hoping you continue to gain as many subscribers 🙂 Keep up the great work 🙂

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    • Hey john! Thank you so much for such kind and affirming words. You have been such a big supporter and friend and I just want you to know how grateful I am for that. I have so enjoyed getting to know you on here and I look forward to continuing that!! ☺️ thanks again for such thoughtful words and wisdom that you share:) have a wonderful weekend!

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  42. I’ve been struggling with my weight lately. I don’t have a full on eating disorder but I do have ana/mia tendencies and it’s so hard to find the balance between trying to accept my body and working on myself for myself. I love your blog and your recovery is inspiring- congrats on 5,000!!

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    • Thank you so much for sharing this Pauline. This is definitely something to talk to a doctor or trusted adult about. Finding that balance is truly a lifelong process, but one that doesn’t need to involve Ana/Mia tendencies. Because, believe me, I know how that cycle is enslaving. And you deserve freedom. You are worth a life free from those destructive patterns. ❤️❤️❤️ working on yourself doesn’t have to include hurting yourself, and that took a long time for me to learn. I hope that this hasn’t come across as “parent-y” or anything. I just long for you to be free❤️ thanks for reading and feel free to email me if you need xx

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      • Congratulations on your 5,000 subscribers that is amazing! And I love the analogy of the loaves and the fish. I’m going through a slight crisis of faith at the moment, due to being exposed to a lot of atheists online, so I’m not sure what my relationship to God and Jesus is at the moment. But prayer has certainly helped me massively in the past to overcome all my addictions. I’ve had some good news too with my blog – I’m just coming up to 10,000 hits on WordPress and the other website I’ve started posting on. Considering I only started the blog to kill time while I was waiting to hear from agents about my novel I am pretty pleased with this! http://bit.ly/1ER5cLY

      • Thank you so much Caroline! Oh congratulations on your news as well! That’s great!!there are definitely a lot of “trolls” out there on the Internet that can shake us up. I will definitely keep you in my heart and prayers. God is good and al He wants is to love us:) thanks for stopping by, friend! Hugs!!!

  57. Lovely! Thanks for sharing your heart with all of us! It is a post that truly resonates with me. How often I, too, have felt that I’ve no right to speak my thoughts aloud, no voice with which to share. It is a magnificent lie and one that is focused on me being the center of attention. Changing that voice, and putting on that cloak of Christ is exactly what hushes those voices. You have authority, I have authority, based on the truth of who God is and the work of passion He has pursued with. Thank you for being brave and listening carefully to your story!
    Kym

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    • Hey Kym! Oh thank you so much:) I so appreciate your affirming and encouraging words. Yes, the cloak of Christ is full of comfort and love. And you absolutely have authority to speak your thoughts. I for one would love to hear! Thanks for stopping by. Have a wonderful week:)

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  58. I am very glad you are blogging! I think you have a lot to offer. One of my daughters struggled with eating when she was around 8. She’s much better now, but I always want to hear how others came through it. I think your experience has made you wise beyond your years. Congrats on the 5,000! Amazing!!

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    • Aw thank you so much Steph! That really means a lot. I’m glad your daughter has also found freedom and peace with food. It’s a long journey, but I am so grateful for recovery! Thanks for stopping by and for your kind words! Xx

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  60. I enjoy your quote art pictures so much. They stand out from among so many other tweets or posts and call for attention on their own and then to read the rest

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  61. When God speaks, all I can say is AMEN. Thank you for being the Malachi of our time and giving “what you have” . I am blessed by your offering of thanksgiving and praise. And I too am humbled just to be one of the “5000”.

    Jesus tells us, “Feed my lambs” Thank you, again.

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    • Oh my gosh. Wow. Thank you so much. I am absolutely humbled by your words. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for this incredible affirmation. I’m starting the day off now with a special warmth in my heart and I have you to thank for that:) have a wonderful morning!

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    • Thank you so much Shelley! that really is a great way to think about it. thanks for that perspective:) i appreciate you stopping by and being a source of beautiful encouragement!

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  63. Congratulations on 5,000 followers! And I looked over your post once again and think it is well written. Continue on with your great attitude and generous sharing…sincerity works well!

    ~1440

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  64. Your writing is both eloquent and interesting (its VERY hard to find good writers amongst blogs). Please know your words are most definitely worthy of posting.

    I have a couple questions, if you don’t mind:

    How to answer an anorexic friend (not in recovery) when she asks if she looks fat or if she looks like she’s gained weight? She isn’t religious.

    How many women (or men) have anorexia without actually being thin? Can anorexia also be just a mental condition? Some people have super sluggish metabolisms and literally can only maintain a healthy weight (and not be obese by medical definition) by obsessively counting calories (restrictively), and exercising. Is being a slave to these activities a form of anorexia? Or perhaps that would be defined as more of an anxiety disorder? As you’ve described, having a healthy relationship with food and exercise is EXTREMELY difficult!

    Anyways…thank you for sharing such heartfelt and important information regarding this disease. I am certain you will continue to touch and support so many in need. Also thank you for checking out my blog.

    xo

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    • Hi friend, thank you for this response. It is evident that you want to help others. I think that’s a beautiful thing. In terms of your questions, i truly am not an expert and can only speak from my experience. But I think speaking the truth in love is always important, even around such a delicate issue as this. Because, who knows, your comment — made in love, but true — could be the one thing that gets through to her and saves her life. For me, that was when a family friend simply said, “Look what you’re doing to your father.” That was it. And yes, there is such an illness as exercise induced anorexia where eating is somewhat normal, albeit very restrict, and yet the person “purges” through intense exercise. Thank you for taking an interest in my blog. have a great day.

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  66. Suffering from eating disorders my whole life and watching my mother suffer from them as well, it was a cycle I wanted (still want) to break. Am I as bad as I was? No. Am I cured? No. But with Jesus, I do make it day by day. And with your blog it’s helped me know I’m not the only one on this journey. Bless you.

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  67. Congratulations on 5K! You’re writing is truly inspiring and well-thought out. I am neither anorexic or christian, but I find something to take away from your blog each time. Today, I was having the same thought “What could I possibly have to say” “Who cares.” Sharing your words and wisdom here is your gift. Thank You.

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  70. Hey I haven’t been on your page for a while. So much has happened some quite bad but mostly good, my relationship with the Lord is continuing to grow 😁 I hope you are well, I hope your relationship with the Lord is going strong also 😁 I managed to get some Blog post completed which I’m happy about because I haven’t had the strength or the courage to write anything for a long time

    God bless you
    Benjamin

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    • Hi Benjamin, good to “see” you again! I’m so glad your relationship with the Lord is growing. That’s amazing. ❤️ I look forward to reading your posts. Hope all is well with you. Sending love and prayers 🙂

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      • Had an amazing week so far, been so busy with Church meetings, I had a difficult start today because of a troubled sleep last night but i’m feeling loads better now I’ve had my prayer time. been able to deal with negative issues so well this week thanks to Gods help
        Hope you are having a great day

        Benjamin

      • Isn’t is so incredible how just a few minutes with God in the morning can set your entire on the right track? I’m glad you’ve had a nice week! Hope you sleep better tonight:) hugs!

      • yeah that is why I was feeling a bit low because I didn’t get opportunity to do so, and I hope so too, church tomorrow of course, haven’t been since the 3rd January I hope you are having a good day, I have mostly a good day since my time with personal worship, Im assuming its afternoon where you are 😀

  71. Awesome achievement! And isn’t it awesome what God can do when we are willing to be used?! What a blessing and a testimony!

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  72. I think you are awesome. God has shown me over the past few years, how important it is for us to discern the spirits. People put thoughts in our head usually when we are children because that is when we are most vulnerable. It is when we choose to believe what others say over what God says. I know for years I had a lot of anger and pain because my 15 year old brother raped me when I was 8, 9 years old. I let my anger over that fester in me for years. Then God showed me the way out. No matter what others say about you or me or anyone, it is what God says that matters most. God Bless you.

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    • Hi friend, thank you so much for sharing this. It breaks my heart to hear that you went through that as a child. You did not deserve that. You deserved to be protected and loved, especially by someone who is supposed to be a safe space. Know that you are precious and good. I wish I could give you a big hug right now through the screen. What truth you speak: yes, God whispers to us our worth and speaks love gently as salve to our wounds. Sending so much love xx

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  77. He does truly take our broken pieces, all the fragments and produces something that can nourish another, and I have no doubt that the words of your testimony and sharing what you have overcome through Him feeds the souls of many, and it IS beautiful.

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    • Hi Nina, thank you so much for sharing this. Amen to that – He takes ALL of our broken pieces. what a comfort that is. God is so good 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and for your kind words. big hugs xo

      Reply

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