10 Truths for Navigating the Modern Dating Culture as a Christian

We are living in unprecedented times. At least for those of us trying to navigate this nauseatingly complicated travesty that is the modern dating culture.


The noncommittal guys, the “rules for communication,” the necessity for seeming like you don’t care, the casual approach, the ‘swipe right’ mindset of romantic relationships.

But for me, there’s a whole ‘nother layer to navigating this -LetsBeHonest- toxic dating culture: and that’s my faith.

It’s confusing. It’s frustrating. Add to that the fact that I live in NYC, and it can seem just down right hopeless.

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So here are my 10 Truths for Navigating the Modern Dating/Hookup Culture as a Christian:

*And let me just preface this: I am not suggesting that all guys fall into this camp. This is just a satirical look at some “norms” I have come across in NYC.

#1. Cut the Casual Crap

One of the most frustrating things about “dating” is that everything is so casual. I mean, you can’t even call it “dating,” or else you’re seen as too serious. You’re talking, you’re hanging out, you’re friends with benefits. No. Just, no. Because you know what that is code for? Sleeping around. ((See #2))

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#2. Ditch Dating Around

Being so casual with “hanging out” is just a sneaky green light for seeing a bunch of other people and stringing them along with the bare minimum to keep them interested. For most people, this means being “F-buddies.” For me, that’s not an option. So what’s a nice girl to do when all the guys are looking for is a casual and convenient “fling” that is maaaaybe reoccurring? No sir. If I’m going to invest my time and heart with you, you better not be seeing any hoochie mama on the side. Puh-lease.

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#3. “Netflix and Chill” my A**

Now, I am not high maintenance. I love to watch a good football game on the couch or hype up for some March Madness. I mean, my game day eats are on point. BUT I will not be some stand in for a guy friend that will exist solely to “meet your needs.” I do not do that.

#4. Tinder Me Not

OK. The online dating apps…they just need to stop. Like, immediately. Tinder is such an enabler to the hookup culture. First of all, it is literally a catalogue of faces (or other anatomy…) for you to simply swipe left or right on – simply based on their looks. The majority of guys I know approach Tinder like so: “it’s a way to find a hookup for the night.” — And that’s an exact quote. Just delete the app. SMH

#5. The Texting Game

Ugh. This one is so frustrating. Dear people at Apple: the “typing ‘…’ bubble” and the “delivered/read” receipt — thank you on behalf of all the women everywhere having collective panic attacks waiting with phone-in-hand for their “guy of interest” to text a reply.

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And while we’re on the topic: we need to just put the kibosh on this whole, “Oh I have to wait 2 hours to text him back.” Just reply to the damn message. I don’t want to get labeled as “needy” or “too eager” because I have the conversation courtesy to text you back in a timely manner.

#6. The Gentleman Caller

Believe me when I say that I hate talking on the phone as much as the next person. I mean, I haaaate it. But since when did actually calling someone vs. texting become a faux pas? Sometimes, I want to just have a spontaneous conversation about something funny that just happened, or to solidify plans. Not everything can be communicated through emojis! 

#7. Digits, My Digits

As a flirty, young female in the city where there are nearly as many bars as there are people, I’ve definitely had to perfect my “bar” game. What to wear; how to show just enough skin to stay in the classy – not trashy – camp; the perfect height of heel — because believe me, 1/4 of an inch is the difference between a night of fun and a night of tears.


But if there’s one thing that is exasperating: it is guys asking for your number. I am out with my friends. I do not want to be solicited for casual dating right now, NOR will I want to be harangued via texting me eggplant emojis tomorrow during church or at brunch.

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And same with guys buying drinks. I don’t want to owe you anything. Keep your wallet in your pocket. I don’t want to have to make small talk with you for the next 30 minutes because I feel bad you just dropped 16 bucks on a vodka/soda.

#8. Kiss and Fly

Which, yes, is the name of a trendy club in meatpacking. But is also a current “dating” trend that needs to just stop. The last I checked, a kiss means something. At least to me. You’re gonna kiss me on Saturday night, and then not call or see me again until the next “group hang” where you act like it never happened? What is that about?

#9. Forget Fishbowling

Which, I’m just going acknowledge right off the bat, sounds like it could be something dirty on Urban Dictionary, or something pertaining to drugs, but for alliteration’s sake, I’m going to just go with it.

Here’s what I mean: it is so annoying to go “young adults” or “young singles” church nights, and then go to the “mixer” at the bar afterwards. Please. It feels so forced with our handwritten name tags and craft beers. I feel like I’m in a fishbowl being forced to “spiritually mate” and find my future husband. To the point where I have stopped attending these events. They are that bad. I know, I should probably meet a guy a church, but for cryin’ out loud, let’s not look that desperate.

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#10. Forget all this and remember what’s important.

So okay, I’ve had my rant. Sure, I may have tried to be a little witty, and okay, some of my points may be borderline complaining, but it’s coming from a sincere place. I am fed up with the modern dating culture that doesn’t respect a committed relationship, and finds ‘waiting for marriage’ as an archaic, absurd, and prudish notion. I mean, I feel like the stigma is that if you’re waiting to have sex that you’re automatically wearing orthopedic shoes and an ankle length dress.

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But it’s just a fact that in the modern dating culture, if you don’t “give it up,” all a guy has to do is buy the next girl at the bar a drink, and he can get what he’s looking for.

So I have come to terms with the fact that I will most likely not find my husband out at a bar. Or on Tinder. Or really anywhere secular in NYC.

And I could get really depressed about that. Become exasperated that I’m devoting all my social time to hanging out in a crowd that isn’t on that same page, while all the while aging. While my youth fades and biological clock ticks.


Am I wasting my time? Some may say yes. But I say no. I have incredibly wonderful friendships that are filling my heart to the brim. During my anorexia, I was so bereft of social interaction and friendships because I was pushing everyone away and isolating myself to self-destruct with my disease. So now, I am making up for lost time. With my friends.

And I trust that I am where I am supposed to be. That God will bring the right man into my life at the right time. And you know what? It’s impossible for me to miss him, because God already has “Mr. Right” picked out for me.


So my final truth for navigating this scene:

#11: Don’t Dismay

Don’t get too caught up in how crappy and dismal the Tinder-obsessed dating culture is. The right guy is out there (and you probably won’t find him on Tinder.) But God already ‘swiped right’ on him for you. He is impossible to miss.


 

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303 responses to “10 Truths for Navigating the Modern Dating Culture as a Christian”

  1. That’s 11, JD, but all very true, extremely well articulated (as always), and meaningful with your particularly special brand of wit and charm.

    Love the last ‘banner’, BTW.

    You’re a gem.Keep it up.

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    • Thanks Tony:) I appreciate it. This was kinda the follow up to my post about last weekend so I just wanted to put the period at the end of the sentence if you will. Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate you always reading and affirming me friend! Hugs and love xox

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  3. Well written, articulate, and kept me interested to the last period. I am glad you have the sensitivity and strength needed to light the path for others. God is using you right here, right now.

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  4. It’s worth waiting. My cousin is from NYC and he just got married at 30. He wouldn’t even say he was dating, if he found a girl he would be “courting” her which means his intentions were to marry. His first girlfriend he courted for five years and they didn’t even kiss on the lips…he wanted to wait for marriage. But it did not work out, and that worked in his favor because now he found the love of his life and they just got married Saturday. I can guarantee it was worth the wait for them. So there are decent guys out there, ones who are respectful and share your sentiments. Just have to wait to find them…or for them to find you!

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    • Hi Serena, thank you for sharing this. Wow what a beautiful love story. So inspiring and encouraging. You’re right-they’re out there and worth the wait. Hope you have a wonderful week! Hugs and love xox

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  10. This is so wonderful and you are so amazing at expressing it all. I told you…keep doing what you are doing and writing about your culture.

    “And I trust that I am where I am supposed to be.”. You are spot on, sweetheart. Spot on.

    Btw, when I clicked ‘like’ at the bottom of your post, my cell phone took a picture; What is that about?

    I must add though, I thank God I am too old for this s___ .

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    • Hahah oh this made me chuckle. Thanks Kitsy. I appreciate you always being so encouraging and kind. It means the world. And hmmm I’m not sure why that happened?! 😬 Hope your week is off to a great start. Hugs and love xox

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  12. I just now stumbled across this and of course I thought of you (and the many other women in your shoes – give or take 1/4″ 😃). There are good ones out there. Don’t give up hope 😃👍

    Fred

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  13. This is so true, and I wish more girls were aware that they do not have to conform to culture, man’s desire or anything else just to find a husband.
    God is using you right where you are, and as I’ve come to learn, His timing is BEYOND PERFECT! 🙂
    So thank you for once more writing to us all, it is a joy to read your words. (They were a welcome respite from school and people! 🙂 )

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  14. Love that you managed to weave “hoochie mama” and “kibosh” into the same post. Yiddish meets Queen Latifa. Anyway, I say to hell with your “biological clock”. That’s a non-issue. I’m 48 and just beginning to live my purpose and all that passion for connection is so much dissipation. So happy I never participated. Live your dream and he will cross your path. No need to go looking for it. My unsolicited 2 cents, which you don’t need at all since you’ve obviously figured it out already or you wouldn’t be able to write this.

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    • Hi David! Haha thank you so much. I’m glad you enjoyed it. And thank you for your insight! Seriously it is greatly appreciated. I think you’re right. He will cross my path when I’m not looking for him. Thanks for reading! Hugs and love xox

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  15. Spot-on to my recent foray into an online dating site. Another pet peeve of mine: a guy agreeing to an in-person meet/chat, only to then disable his online account the next day. Married? CatFishing? Cold feet? Or just a douche.

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  16. Thank you for this! So relevant to me. I have to ask, you stated where not to look for a serious commitment, but where do you find good Christian men in NYC?

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  17. Good one! Value yourself, and others will value you too. Also the minute I stopped looking was when God brought my husband into my life. I was looking so hard, that I was in the way! My eldest daughter just decided that she is going to be the “crazy old cat lady” and is just getting on with her life and purchasing her own home. Whatever comes will come. People marry later and have children later now than they did when I was having to date. Personally, I hated dating, until I met my husband there was nothing fun about it. It was all stress. BTW we met at a company bowling league, and didn’t know each other prior to that. You just never know where you will meet the one God has for you.

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    • Thank you so much for this encouragement! That’s great advice. Looks like I’ll need to find a bowling league! 👍👍👍 hehe thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  18. Great post! I have given up on dating. I asked God to please send someone my way if it is meant to be. I’m not saying that I would ignore someone if the opportunity arose. I’m just saying I pick losers, users, and abusers. It’s time to let God pick for me.

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  19. Hi BBB,
    Apologies if someone commented this already but there are a lot of comments and I’m quite lazy tonight. 😀
    This post is great. Good Catholic girls, as you seem to be, obviously experience these problems or else you wouldn’t write about it (just to state the obvious) but Catholic guys have similar difficulties. And I agree with like everything you said. Buttt let me say this — the bit about buying a drink and asking for her number is tough. While most guys use this to lay the groundwork for a hookup, it does make it quite difficult for guys whose aim is not that. For guys whose aim is meet people at the party or bar, or for guys whose aim is to get to know one girl better. Put more bluntly, each time we/I make an effort to approach a girl, what you write goes through our/my mind(s). Those guys have ruined social settings for all of us, by putting it in the minds of women that all guys want is their company for the night.

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    • Hey MM! Thank you so much for this perspective. That’s a really great point. And I definitely agree. Not ALL guys are like that. After I wrote this piece I went back and added that little “disclaimer” in the beginning because you’re right- the good ones aren’t thinking about that. They really are looking to get to know a girl. And I think you can tell a man’s intentions pretty quickly. So I would encourage you to keep doing it! Because you are an upstanding guy with great character and girls can tell:) thanks for reading! Hope your week is off to a great start! Hugs and love xox

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      • Thank you thank you. My intention wasn’t so much to say that you consider all guys are like that, but rather that some guys ruin it for all guys.
        One other thought — not to waste your time — is a conversation I had with a non-Christian friend of mine. He’s convinced and I can more or less see his point that the type of man you reference has in essence created a breed of women who are as objectifying as the men. Of course not all but many women now express no interest in relationships and just want to have fun. I have friends (women) who say this. Idk if you believe these women or if you think that they’re just protecting themselves

      • Hmm that is definitely an interesting thought to ponder. And I must say I have come across many women like that. It’s almost like everyone is caught in a perpetuating cycle. Thanks for the food for thought ☺️👍

      • Yes a vicious cycle. But anyway I appreciate the post and it’s nice to read someone as cool as you espouse those 11 points. The world needs more BBBs.
        Last thing in reference to the food for thought. I haven’t forgotten about the challenge to top that comment about hyssop and the Bible. I’m waiting for a good post to comment it.
        All right now il let you go haha. Have a greatt night! 😝

  20. This is a similar issue I deal with on the daily… Honestly, just keep your standards up. Your time is precious, and valuable. No one night stands … So your a nice girl that’s the kind of girl a real man wants. Any male who wants just sex out of an encounter is not a real man that is a pervo. No joke. 😝but really …real men see the worth of a woman.

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  22. I’m 22 and still single. I don’t mind being single even though at my age it is treated like you are out of the social norm if you don’t date or ‘hook up.’ I’m just taking my time. I am also learning to love and accept myself first. I think that is really important to do that before you begin a relationship with someone. I truly believe that good things come to those who wait. Thank you for posting this. <3

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    • Thank you so much for sharing this Olivia! No rush beautiful! And you’re so right – I’m in the same boat too. Learning love yourself first is vital. Because I can’t give what I don’t possess. Thanks for reading friend! Hang in there. I trust the wait will totally be worth it! ☺️

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  23. I work as a Bartender on the club scene, in an area of college age kids …. seen this waaaay to often., … what some of these young ladies don’t seem to understand is that us Bartenders can see what a person is up to coming in., … and some of these guys could care less if you are married, taken, or otherwise. Its just a big game. My daughter has voiced similar sentiments about the current generation of up and comers and how nauseating it is. We recently had an episode of some guy flirting with my daughter and after she blew him off he turned around and started flirting with me in a department store … my daughter and I looked at each other, nearly made gagging faces and busted up laughing as we just walked away … I sincerely feel for you nice young ladies out there in this culture … hang in there … LOL!!

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    • Oh gosh wow I bet you see it all! My goodness that would be very informative for lack of a better word hah And gag is right! Ugh thanks for this comment and taking the time to read! Hugs and love xox

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  26. Great post 🙂 I sometimes wonder If online dating actually works? I mean do half the people who commit to that end up marrying that person? And If so, does it often end in divorce? Don’t you ever wonder? To me, it seems like most people get married through regular group meetings that did not involve online. Either way, you have written everything perfectly here and keep up the great work as always 🙂

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    • Hi John, thank you so much I do wonder that all the time! I’m old fashioned so I would prefer to meet In person but then I am currently single haha thanks for reading! Hugs and love xox

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  27. Do the churches have mixers at bars? I like my wine as much as the next person but isn’t that a bit odd? Lol. I feel like a post dedicated to this singles/young adult ministry subject is in order now.

    I am the only person married out of all my Christian friends and I wonder why that is? Is it the men that are the problem? The women? Both? Neither? It’s baffling. I’m very self serving on the subject I need understanding so I can pass it on. My son needs some playmates lol.

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    • Hi friend! Ohhh yes. At least in NYC they’re at bars. Lol yeah I am not sure. It definitely is a “both parties” sort of thing, which means it will take both parties to remedy. I do have hope though:) thanks for reading! Hugs and love xox

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  28. All you state is true. Not that I’ve experienced them but I know it is a strange time with strange, no boundary living. I am happy that you have set such wonderful, even beautiful boundaries for yourselves based on what you believe. Awesome post. 🙂

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  29. I tried the online thing… unsuccessful every time. I refuse to again. I also tried church singles ministries but I felt it was like the fishbowling thing-That and a lot of churches don’t actually have one. I also read an article well-written about churches failing Christian singles, that they too, are important to the church and able to minister and reach out in ways that married couples cannot.

    Sadly, it was guys in the church I had the most unsuccessful relationships with. Whether it was indicative of the health of the church and/or maturity in me, I don’t think I will fully know till the crossing over.

    But also… in that way I also believe in “the one”- not the one in the concept of perfection for me… but the concept of perfectly imperfect and complimenting one another. I believe this is possible and that God’s got this. The hardest thing is His timing. I also think, for me personally, it also has to do with what we pray for and the conditioning of our hearts. I think perhaps I had what I like to say God in a box… preconceived ideas or notions that things would be a certain way so I was constricting Him in my mind to a plan I had thought would be best for me.

    I have been surprised recently in that department and I have no idea where it will go from here… but it His timing and His authorship and I pray that I will continue to be shaped and my heart chase after Him. Also, God can. I have about 4 posts I have yet to finish that seem to all tie into each other.
    Just never forget your worth and love the God ‘already swiped right.’

    Prayers and good wishes on that journey from another gal in the waters.

    Soli deo gloria.

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    • Thank you so much for this thoughtful reflection. Your words are so encouraging. You’re right — God IS the author and I she bro trust his timing and his plan. That’s for sure the hardest. Thanks for reading! Hugs and love xox

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  31. Such a relevant struggle in the modern world. Personally I have been supremely and sovereignly blessed as a single for 24 yrs, peer pressure and culture aside God has kept that 100% true. Waves of discontentment, completely normal BTW, are only indications of a desire yet to be fulfilled by an eternally loving God, so wait it out until the blessing is added. In the meantime pursue God fernently and see who keeps up, God cannot help but bless those who seek His face first.

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  33. Again you have such wonderful writing you should write a magazine that’s so good you are good tips on The Dating culture as Christians it’s nice to know you and I are the same boat dealing with the same junk. It almost becomes a chess match between the Flesh and the spirit in fact that’s what it’s like a chess match between the Flesh and spirit will if that’s what it is and I’d rather save the spirit wholeheartedly and Flash part of the time. Meaning I would rather be alone with God then look for women that don’t necessarily have the Jesus love within them. I’m not going to compare myself to Philip Johnny or Danny I will only try to measure up the Jesus in every way every day. Jesus offers and so much more loved than we could ever even begin to realize. Yes as a human being it is human nature to want a better half but as for me I’ve had enough of issues with blondes brunettes & redheads to last me a lifetime if I go searching this time it’s not on my will but his. I know the Lord’s will will be perfect when it is done through me when I obey him people have to understand there’s more to the dating scene than just girls in short dresses or guys wearing just the right amount of Axe body spray in cowboy boots again another interesting intriguing educational and enlightening article that you have written I applaud you. the whole article itself actually should be in the New York Times or the post. Sincerely Anthony

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  34. great post. I don’t think your bar is set too high. There is nothing wrong with wanting real commitment – it is just where do we find this? Do we actively seek it as all these 10 points suggest or wait? I don’t think a club or bar is the way to find love .I met my hubby to be at a friends house . Change of scenery perhaps? 🙂

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    • Hi Daisy! Thank you so much! This is some great advice. You’re right I think you’re right. A change of scenery is def in order. It’s just hard in NYC because the only places to congregate are out at restaurants and bars because everyone lives In a studio apartment so hanging out at someone’s house isn’t a option. But I have hope that here are other places of here to meet! Thanks for the food for thought! Hugs and love xox

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  35. Hi BBB! Don’t give up hope, you fabulous ED warrior:) God has a guy for you that’s worth waiting for, and you’ll both find each other one day!
    Keeping you in my prayers xoxo

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    • Hello friend! Aw than you so much for the prayers. Your encouragement is so appreciated. You’re right. I do trust that and trust His good will for my life. Thanks for reading ! Hugs and love xox

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  36. Great post and you are right! I read a nice quote somewhere “do the things you love and Love will come to you”.

    Warm embrace from Bucharest!

    Andreea

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  37. 26 years ago I began “dating” my now husband – I had had lots of boy “friends”, one or two I was very close too but knew they were not “the one”. Hubby was a shy young man I knew at church who had been quietly plucking up the courage to “ask me out” after our wise Pastor and his wife encouraged him (she noticed his eyes following me around the church and elbowed her husband). An opportunity arose for him to ask me to accompany him taking someone on a long trip and would I keep him company on the return journey, having realised at this point that he was “interested” in me, I nervously agreed with my flatmates words of “go with an open mind” and went and we had a wonderful day together and arranged to attend a “gathering” the next day together. When we then decided to “officially” begin dating, we were agreed that the purpose of “dating” as Christians was to prepare for marriage – we were in our mid twenties so no need to think of years ahead – by going into”a relationship” we had already got to know enough about each other to say “I like you enough to think I want to spend the rest of my life with you and marry you” and we married the following year. As a Christian I think you are unlikely to meet “the one” outside of the Church – I think God will bring him to you and he will come highly recommended by people you know you can trust – God may surprise you as he did me with someone you already know and respect but had never considered

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    • Wow what a beautiful love story! Thank you so much for sharing this. It is so inspiring. You’re right, God had him in your life all along! Thanks for the great advice. Hugs and love xox

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  39. You are so right. When people are being led primarily by their sexual impulses, they are finding anything that will satisfy that impulse. But, when they are being led by the vision of a spouse, everything changes. When I was in college, I began to have a vision of a wife, and shortly befor I graduated, when I had almost given up hope of finding her, she found me, and we have been married for almost three decades now. 🙂

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  40. Way before internet access, I knew in my heart I wanted to find that special one to get married too, many years later I had given up the idea of ever getting married
    Then one night I went to the local Salvation Army citadel, and knelt at the mercy seat and offered my life in service to God
    Little knowing a young songster would come and chat me up, and turn out to be the women I would marry and stay married to for 33 years so far
    So be encouraged and keep praying and believing

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    • Hi Graham! Oh my gosh this story is precious! How beautiful. Thank you for sharing. So inspiring. 33 years. That is just wonderful. Sending hugs and love xox

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  41. Wonderful post! Hang on to what you have-and that is your faith and love in yourself. Write down everything you want in a partner/spouse and God will deliver! I can speak to that! Sounds like you have a wonderful support group of friends, too. Keep in your intregity! ❤️❣❤️

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  42. Another enlightening & enjoyable read! I don’t envy your generation’s dating, with all of today’s technology protocols. Your approaches are sound & worthwhile. I do think what brings people (men or women) to love hasn’t really changed. Seems men of your scenarios (young men today?) are having too much fun to commit, they just aren’t ready. No sense trying to force a square peg into a round hole. I also think living in NYC has much do with it. In less populated areas there are more opportunities to know people more individually, to be taken more seriously, to catch someone’s eye and visa versa on a more personal level.

    At a dating age & an attractive woman, for several years I lived in NY. I came from the rural Midwest and it struck me how very odd it was to be surrounded by soooo many people yet be so alone, no one ever getting to know the other, how superficial it was. I took the bus into NYC for work, passing millions of people every day, never knowing any of them nor they me. Just an odd thing that seemed to defy all odds. Seems there one tends to blend into the massive mosaic that is NYC. Also seems, to meet someone on a more respectable level, you might want to consider making friends/living in a smaller area around NYC? There are lovely ones.

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    • Hi friend! This is some great advice. You’re right, NYC is an entity into its own. As wonderful as it is, everything is inflated here: the prices, the work hours, the nightlife, and yes – the noncommittal relationships. You’ve given me some great food for thought. Thanks for that:) hugs and love xox

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      • Good! I was shocked to read the $16 price for one drink, oh my gosh. That was an awakening. I literally spent 10-12 hours/day committed to work, seemed like I came home only to get up and start all over. But gravitating to a smaller community, I commuted from Harriman and the commute alone was a couple of hours each way. So glad those days are done but I do miss all of the great clothes shopping in NYC :).

      • Oh the clothes shopping. I have only recently joined that bandwagon but oh my gosh. 😍 yeah I can definitely appreciate getting away from the rat race. Hugs and love my friend xox

  43. I saw a Church poster once with the caption “You won’t find God’s gift to women in a singles’ bar”. On the poster was a picture of Jesus.

    Yes, I agree with the sentiments of this post. If you sacrifice your principles you will end up in the company of men who don’t respect. There are good men and women out there. Good people don’t always shout and run to the front of any crowd, but they’re there.

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  45. Hi BeautyBB, another great blog. What you say is very true. Although the world’s standards have changed, God’s standards have always remained the same. The world (Satan) has put much pressure on young adults to date and has done well to conform many into a disrespect for sincere proper dating, marriage and sex. There is no need for any of us to feel forced to comply with the world’s degrading standards just because the rest of the world has declared the bad thing good and the good thing bad. Keep your integrity, it is very admirable and will attract the proper kind of attention.

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    • Thank you so much for this. Lots of great food for thought. Your right. God’s standards haven’t changed. And I trust he will bring the right man into my life. Thanks for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

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  46. First of all, a challenge to all the single men among BBB’s ten-thousand plus followers: If you’re following her you must be kindred spirits to some degree. What are you waiting for? What more could you want? Don’t some of you live right there in NYC? Is it a lack of airfare for those of you who don’t? You know, Im just sayin’. . .

    On a serious note, as I read this post I couldn’t help thinking of a time when dating was like you describe it but without the smart phones and texting. It began slowly following the legalization of birth-control pills in the 60s and peaked when AIDS hit in the 80s. There were only a few “lonely hearts clubs” at that time, so most hook-ups happened spontaneously in bars where hook-ups were known to happen. These too were carnal times. In many cases a relationship was characterized only by knowing each other’s first name. It’s a stretch, but I would liken it to taking speed limit signs down everywhere.

    The thing is in a viable society there have to be limits. That era ended with the onslaught of a dreaded disease. This era will end too, although at the moment I can’t even venture a guess at the reason.

    The main difference between then and now is that, even though a surprising number of married men and women engaged, along with singles, in trysts and one-nighters, outwardly the society upheld marriage as the right way to form a household with lasting bonds. Today, reports on marriage are discouraging. The numbers tell us that an increasingly larger number of couples are opting against marriage.

    In a way I see this as a repetition of society’s changing opinion about divorce. Until the era I mentioned above, divorce was almost always frowned upon. It carried with it a stigma of failure or insincerity. Now, it seems more of a recognized consequence of marriage -an inevitability in many cases. A flow has gradually developed and people are going with it.

    Here is where I think “Many are called but few are chosen” comes in. There is temporal comfort from being guided by society, from going with the flow. I did it but now I know it was wrong.

    Faith and the conscience that comes from it resound in your words. I pray that you stay firm and be patient for your reward.

    Rich XOX

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    • Hahahah oh my gosh Richard you literally made me laugh out loud with that opening 😂 so thanks for that little gem. But seriously thank you for this thought provoking comment. So much wisdom here. I agree. It’s sad how the new reports on the demise of the marriage. It truly hurts my heart. But I do have hope that the right man is out there. I just need to trust and be patient. But wow thanks for this great comment. Hugs and love my friend xox

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  47. Love love love this!! I identify with all of this except the big city part. I have small town life and I feel like it’s just as hard as everyone is married off by 21 and has kids. So now at my age everyone is getting divorced so lots of my friends are dating married/separated people. I’ll stay single thanks. 🙂

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    • Thank you so much! I’m so glad you enjoyed it! Yeah small towns offer challenges just like the urban life does! I feel ya! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  48. Beautifuy articulated Beauty. But I find this is very disturbing. It is disturbing and unsettling because I felt the exact same way 20 years ago. Every point you made I identify with before I dropped out of dating. I was so disgusted with the whole dating scene that I stopped. 7 years after that I married my best friend. So it’s now 20 years later and if what you have here is Truth, single Christian women are having a difficult time in this area. Thanks for this post. Keep giving us the truth!

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  51. If I may be so bold to say, you are NOT wasting your time! It sounds to me like you’re holding on to something very, very special … an unimaginable gift from God: Integrity. And I just know that there’s a good, godly man somewhere in your vicinity who will deeply appreciate you being real, authentic and prudent all while having a genuine smile and great sense of humor… I have to believe that godly attracts godly. Thank you for such an inspiring article. Hold onto your faith and keep believing! All the best to you w/blessings!

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    • Thank you for this encouragement! I definitely trust that God has someone just right in store for me. I have to cling to that hope. Thanks for this little nudge of positivity. Have a great afternoon! Hugs xox

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  52. Here’s a thought: “Just say no” works a lot better on addiction when it comes from the object of desire. Sex isn’t a uniquely human behavior – but self-control is. That’s when a boy truly becomes a man.

    And for the girls: after they’re done letting the boys dump all their dirt in them, they’ll look at the light shining from you and wonder where in the world they went wrong. Let your compassion wash all over them.

    BTW – do you wear any sign of your faith? I used to wear one over my heart when I was out in public, but misplaced it during one of my many moves.

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    • Thanks for this Brian. Great food for thought. Self control really affects all areas of life. And yes, I wear a small cross necklace. Sending hugs and love xox

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  53. So many of my clients come to me because they are lonely. Some of them are lonely because they don’t like the dating scene, and some of them are lonely because they’ve been a part of the scene for a long time, working the bars, doing the Tinder swipe, drowning among the plenty of fish. For many people, it is so easy to hook up that they have forgotten (or never learned) what it means to meet someone, get to know them, develop a crush, fall in love, and decide to make a commitment. This is true for both men and women, Christians and non-Christians alike. I personally believe that the whole trend towards hookup-culture is going to collapse eventually, because I meet so many people who are just so dissatisfied with it. When we use ourselves and other people as sources of quick pleasure instead of deep nourishment it hurts. It makes us less human.

    It makes me so happy to read your posts. Be fearless and stay true to yourself.

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    • Aw thank you so much for this response! I’m so glad you enjoy my posts! You bring up so many great points here. Thanks for the food for thought. Have a great Day! Hugs and love xox

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  54. Oh …god …read this post and thought …eeeeeek ….the whole ‘dating’ carry on freaks me out …..that’s why I named my iPad ‘Eric’:D:D:D ….to avoid those embarrassing situations when well meaning friends try to ‘hook you up’etc
    No ….I have 2 little fella’s I’m trying to get safely to adulthood ….other than that I’m sticking with Eric:D:D:D
    But YOU are young, drop dead gorgeous both outside and in …yes bide your time …you DESERVE and I’m sure will meet one day ‘Mr Right’ …it’ll probably be when you’re least expecting:)

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  56. Love this! Even for a old married woman of 20 years who met her husband through a dating service. I definitely thought this was beautifully written and very funny! I commend you for holding firm to your beliefs and convictions. I will definitely reshare this with my daughter and other girls and women waiting for Mr Right.

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    • Thank you so much for this encouraging comment! I really appreciate it:) 20 years- that’s so awesome! What an inspiration! Glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox

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  58. With self-declared cynics of New York vs. the self-righteous of Idaho, man, Beebs, I think it is a maze unlike any. Give me the garden, and hand me Eve. This world is such a mess! Good luck, Beebs. Maybe you just need to “walk 5,000 miles”. The topic. You nailed it! Thanks for taking it on. I still can’t get over the intimidation I felt in New York over the complexity of bus and train routes. How do you navigate a city like the inside of an anthill the size of the world? I have an idea for you, Beebs. Try turning everything upside down, and see how it looks. I sometimes would do that with my drawings, and they actually ended up looking cooler some of them, upside-down than right-side up. I dunno. It’s a thought. Reverse gravity. Reverse the rotation of the earth. Reverse expectations. Reverse hopes. Reverse life. Put everything in reverse. You may even accept Nihilism after awhile of doing it. Just kidding. Not trying to put thoughts into your head. He he.

    You are so right about the “spiritual mate.” That is so true. The “spiritual people” are more often than not the ones who end up fleeing in the face of Goliath. I don’t get that. Isn’t their spirituality supposed to mean more than vain repetitions? Often that ain’t so, though. It’s a social advantage oftentimes to show outward religiosity. I guess it was these thoughts about other people that got me calling you a “Jesus freak.” Sorry about that.

    You bring Christianity into this, so I guess I dare ask, Are you aware of the cleansing of the daughter of Zion (Isaiah 3-4)? Keynote would be what happens to the men…(3:25). I guess it doesn’t pay well to oppose God. Anyway, thanks again for tackling the topic. Good luck. Don’t give up, Beebs. There are still some people out there that believe in love. I don’t know any of them, but, hey, that never stopped me from believing all kinds of things before. Crazy gets easier all the time. You oughta try it sometime. (Maybe you already have. If so, sorry.)

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    • Hey Dan! Thanks for this reflection. You’ve definitely given me some provocative food for thought. I do think that sometimes getting a fresh perspective is what we need. So thank you for that 🙂 Hope your week is off to a great start! hugs and love my friend! xox

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      • Fresh is good? 🙂 My week is great. Thanks. Or it will be when I figure out what I ought to do. Looking into buying a farm (if only I had the money). My dad once explained the life cycle of a farmer. First 20 years wishing he were off the farm. Next 20 years wishing he were back on the farm. The rest of his life spent wondering why he went back!!! I’m just about to the stage of going back. Guess I’ll see. Anyway, hugs and love back! Thanks. Is it legal for farmers to blog? I don’t know. I don’t think anything is legal, anymore. Everything’s a crime. I’ll probably get busted for writing my name in all caps–RED. (At least that’s what they called me in high school at cross-country races.) Say Hi to Pelham Bay Park for me. I liked it there. Do you ever go there? I liked it better than the Bronx Zoo, myself. You don’t have to go. I just liked it, and writing you reminds me of it because you are in New York City. Please don’t make me go back, though. I don’t think I could handle the rejection again. I don’t think New York and I get along now that I think about it. I’m so glad it’s in the past. A long way into the past. Almost another lifetime.

      • Pelham Bat Park…I’ve actually never been there! I definitely think farmers can blog! I’d absolutely read it! Good luck with the farm hunting! Hugs and love xox

  59. So nice … and so insightful into the mess which is 21st century life – it sounds horrible to be young right now! All the boundaries are gone, nobody has or wants a map, sex has become a recreational pursuit … women are thus more like ‘sex objects’ then in the old days when they were seen as the ‘weaker sex’ or made to be ‘just housewives and mums’. Nobody can actually think. Logic has become unknown. Sigh … All best in the jungle and hoping there is someone special for you who sees you as a human being who is interesting to be with and infinitely worthwhile! (And when will women who are caught up in this begin to realise how much worse of they are and how exploited? They are not free. They are being used.)

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    • Hi Mari! Thank you so much for this response. You’re right–a jungle it is!! I have to cling to the hope that there is someone out there that will treat me with respect and dignity. I have faith there is 🙂 Thanks for stopping by! hugs and love to you xox

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  60. YAAAAAASSSSS girl! I am living in South Africa, I’m single, and we have THE SAME PROBLEM! I am honestly fed up with the modern dating culture. And you are very right in saying we must trust the process, but I do hope ‘mr right’ comes along before my 20’s are over! haha 😛 anyway love your blog, I’ve been following you for a while now and you are very inspirational xxx

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    • Hi friend! Oh wow South Africa! That’s SO COOL! But girl I feel. you. Fed up is absolutely the word. I trust though that Mr. Right is out there for you and I. Guys that will treat us with the respect and dignity we so deserve! 🙂 Now if only I could have some patience hehe thanks for reading! Hope you have a great afternoon…or w/e time it is in SA! hah hugs and love xox

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  63. Reading this reminds me of how I so do NOT miss the “dating” scene. Being a single mom — and half nuts to boot — didn’t make it easy to find “Mr. Right.” 😛 lol And I didn’t even live in a huge metropolis. That said, the first man I married I met in church. The second — I don’t want to talk about, but suffice to say, he was a handler. The third, I met in a bar. (urgh… yes, I’m one of “those” women who’ve been married three times… I’m not proud of it, but it is what it is) However, as “non-Christian” as it felt to me to meet a guy in a bar, he’s actually the exact right person for me. He’s such a blessing. Totally and one-hundred percent GOD blessing me in a very unexpected way. So, I think your words right here sum it up: “…I trust that I am where I am supposed to be. That God will bring the right man into my life at the right time. And you know what? It’s impossible for me to miss him, because God already has ‘Mr. Right’ picked out for me.”

    YES AND AMEN!!! 🙂 I have found that if I focus on what God has for me to do RIGHT NOW, everything else will fall into place.

    You never know: you just might meet that special someone when you least expect it and under circumstances that you would never think possible. <3 Blessings to you!

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    • Thank you so much for this encouragement, Loren. That’s so wonderful that you found your mr. Right. I think you’re right-he’ll pop up where I least expect him! I’ve just gotta trust and be patient. Thanks for stopping by! Sending hugs and love xox

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  65. Dating was stressful… all the nuance and protocol. It was nice to get to the part of just being oneself and expressing that. Actually that was always me and I was just going through the mill until I met another of the same variety.
    Finally I just asked to be shown which one was the one. I was not let down. She showed up shortly thereafter, and the rest is history. Thank you Yeshua!

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  66. I agree 100%. Keep your head held high and stick to your values. When the day is over that is all we have.

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  67. Amazing honest post! Amazing woman! Keep the faith as you are so worth it! I want God to bless you so much! I trust that sooner than later I am going to read about your great blessing from our Lord. As always, thank you for the gift of you!

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    • Thank you Mike! I appreciate it:) God is good and I thank him everyday for the blessing of recovery! Hope you’re having a great night! Hugs and love xox

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  69. Good things come with patients ,As a middle aged male I was raised in a time where woman where to be treated with respect .I still open the door for my wife .I pull out her chair when we go out to eat .I would hate to date in this crazy world today.Sometimes , I think with Twitter , Facebook , snap chat and a whole bunch more , there has been a transgression of dating .Dam with so much social media you can find out to much about a person losing that spontaneous ,I got ya moment . Stay strong to your values , it’s not a race, and a solid relationship doesn’t come with a click and a send.We have 3 daughters 31 married year and a half enjoy her mate ,30 married 3 years honest young man ,22 married one year. The youngest has a husband that id prefer to put in your east river . Sons 29 and 24 not married because there POS at times .There’s a lot to be said for a summers night walk along our river fronts ,and if we get crazy a skinny dip lol.The ticket we just paid is proof of that .So as we have told our children respect others and stay true to yourself .The sons on the other had , well let’s say the only time I’ve ever seen them be nice to a woman is tonthere mother and that’s not often not so much.

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    • wow your story is such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing that. I think it all stems from respect, just like you said. Thanks for sharing this. Hope you have a great day! Hugs and love xox

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  70. Read Genesis 24, the culture was different, the marriage was arranged, yet the servant followed a set of principles in looking for a bride for his master’s son. Principles that can be followed today in this 21st Century context.

    What were the principles:

    1. The bride had to cone from a certain family. Christians should only date other Christians, those who are spiritually minded in the family of God.
    2. He went to a suitable place where the young women were drawing water. Frequent places where other young Christians are gathering.
    3. He sought a hard working young woman. A lazy person will neither make a good husband nor a good wife.
    4. He sought one who cared about home and family, drawing water for the needs of the family. A young woman or young man who is kind to his/her parents will generally be one who is loving within a relationship.
    5. Moses records that Rebekah, when she appeared was a virgin. Moral purity is so important. Many young people are ruining themselves for the future through promiscuous lifestyles.
    6. Rebekah was beautiful. Yes, physical attraction is important.
    7. The servant prayed. It is so important to pray that God will send an appropriate partner.
    8. He left the matter in God’s hands, he trusted God to send a girl who would water his 10 camels (representing 10 gallons of water) without asking.
    9. He brought gifts as tokens of his Master’s wealth.
    10. He found the approval of Rebekah’s family. Taking the opinions of parents seriously is an important Christian virtue.
    11. Finally, Rebekah was willing to go. A true marriage is created by a willing bond of love between two parties.

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  71. I’ll have to agree with your generalization; I say guys are mostly pigs. At a sales conference I went out with my sales team for dinner. The only topic of conversation was video games. They couldn’t have an intelligent conversation on anything else. Guys in their THIRTIES!!! My two sisters married losers; one was defrocked from the church.

    Lots of frogs for you to go through, Princess. I feel your pain. My Julie and I actually went to the same parochial grade school; just one room apart. After graduate school and moving home to regroup, I re-met her. The rest is a great 31 year history! One of these days when you least expect it – Boom! Right in the heart!

    Wishing you peace and love!

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  72. Great post and memes (as always), but it’s better that a guy asks you for your number while you’re out with your friends than it is for him to spend the rest of his life wondering why you aren’t replying to his Missed Connections ad. 😉

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  74. I’m not sure if you’re looking for advice, or if you’re trying to give advice. It just sounds like you’re frustrated because this one thing in your life isn’t working out the way you want it to. Remember that God doesn’t work on your schedule. Remember what happens when we try to force the schedule (see Abraham, Jacob, Moses, etc). Also remember that you can’t have it both ways: you can’t be going out to meet guys at the bar, and then not try to meet guys at the bar. Decide what you want to achieve through your actions, and adjust accordingly.
    Lastly, never discount the power of repeated prayer. Sometimes it takes minutes for an answer, but sometimes it takes years.

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  77. Been there, done that. When you think all along it’s a legitimate relationship (or at least headed that way) and then. when he’s suddenly ready to jump to the next one, you hear, “You knew what this was.” That line is lunacy at its finest. Keep pushing through, girl. God’s man for you will show up when he’s supposed to 🙂

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    • Thank you so much for the encouragement. I think you’re right-Hell show up at just the right time. And until then…gotta have patience! Thanks for reading! Hugs and love xox

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  78. 22 years with my “best thing that ever happened to me” and looking back, it was worth the wait. Hang in there, hon. He’s out there prepping for you. When he comes, God will confirm and you won’t be able to get rid of him (trust me, you’ll never want to)! Xo

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    • Hi Tonya! Thank you so much for this encouragement. So inspiring. I do believe that God’s for the right man out there for me! Glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox

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      • Your welcome! I remember how it was. It was not fun at all. I had to get in my zone and just focus on myself and school. So it took him awhile to convince me that he was even a viable candidate for dating. Glad I didn’t miss out!! Lol

  79. Hang in there dear,it’s worth the wait in the end. At the right time he will come knocking and you won’t miss him. You surely deserve the best and that’s what you will get! All the best.

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    • Thank you soma! I appreciate this encouragement so so much. I think you’re. Right- it will be when I least expect it! Glad you stopped by! Have a great night xox

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  80. So reassuring to know other women aren’t settling and are learning to trust God’s path while dealing with all the craziness of our culture. I live in Kansas City which you would think would be more rural, conservative and Christian but no. I’ve dated more atheist or agnostic men than I have religious ones. Hold strong girl, God has special men for us I hope!

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    • Hi Allison! Thank you so much for this reflection! Oh girl, craziness is right! Definitely! He does have the right men out there for us! And we won’t be able to miss them! 🙂 thanks for stopping by! Hope you have a great night! Hugs and love xox

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  83. Hmmm…seems like you hit a nerve here with folks 🙂 For my two cents…..
    1) It’s interesting that you admit to hating to talk on the phone, and yet don’t want an emoji filled text exchange. We do seem to have lost the ability to have phone conversations; perhaps we’ve lost the ability to single task on talking one-on-one anyway.
    2) Hope is a valuable commodity. If you have it, nurture and keep it alive. I’ve sadly lost it after ten years of single-again. Despite church, work, yoga, art, volunteer work….I still find myself with no hopes or prospects. And this is true even though I’ve never tried Tindr or OKC or the other mass-tech approaches.
    3) I like your description of fishbowling 🙂 Very good description, and yes, it does seem like forced mating 🙁
    4) It seems like this falls very much into the dichotomy area of trusting God v. working out. How do you determine what level of effort is needed to be engaged and active rather than sitting back and just saying that you’re trusting God but not giving him any opportunity to connect you. Rhetorical question 🙂

    Good luck.

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    • Hi Jeff! Thanks for this advice. Yeah the dating scene can definitely be a catch 22. I just have to hold onto hope. Hope that God will see me through any hardship, that there is a good plan for my life, and that God has a special man in store just for me. Thanks for reading! Hugs xox

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  85. I remember going through the thinking process on a possible mate. All my friends told me to beat the bushes and see what comes out. My dilemma was that I had looked at what appeared beautiful ( and she was ) but we were not suited at all. Goals, priorities and even the importance of God were miles apart. I did not ever want to walk that road of separation and divorce. Pain, shame and confusion were not worth taking a gamble. God loved me so why would my Father not want a wonderful wife for me. Why would I look for her without Him leading. I can’t look on the outside and know the in. The day I laid my little secret bare before Him was the day my life changed. Four years had passed and I never made a move but the secret I hid in my heart was ” What if God has nobody for me? What if I am to go it alone? Can I follow Him down this path? I want someone to love and to hold. Well this one day I stopped in my hallway and said. Do you want me to have anyone or do you want me to walk alone? I just need You to tell me so I can clear away these nagging questions” There I said it. I felt so good to come clean. That evening when I entered my home the phone was ringing. I picked it up and it was the young woman who quickly became my wife. It was no coincidence that I put the ball in Fathers court so to speak and then change came. A suddenly happened. She is an amazing person and more then I deserve and I know I would have never found her looking on my own. If He did it for me He will do it for you. 🙂

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    • Wow this is so inspiring! Thank you so much for sharing it. I’m so glad you got to the phone in time! Hehe but seriously that is so wonderful. Thanks for this encouragement. Sending hugs and love xox

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  86. This article really hit me… I thought I was the only one who felt this way about “modern dating”. It’s really a shame when people turn what so suppose to be a wonderful thing into such a backwater, shameless, vain, and petty social event. I tried the online dating thing in hopes of find a wonderful man, but the guy I thought was a stud was really a dud! What he posted about himself was really a front to get women. He said he wasn’t ready to have a “relationship”, cause he’s afraid of being hurt. What the f–k? Then what the f–k are you doing on an dating relationship site? He should have gone to Tinder if wanted to have someone to hook up with!

    I don’t do”friends with benefits”, because speaking for myself they are half-assed relationships, I want a deep and loving relationship. Anyway the cut the story short, I stopped seeing the guy after dating him a few months. I didn’t want to be in a relationship where I couldn’t give love to a man I loved (or wanted to love) nor have his love in returning. I can’t see myself having flings with him or any guy… I am not going to sell myself in a “dating” culture, just because I want to have man by my side. I’m sure to some dudes out there who think I’m “no fun”, but tough. I am a real woman who deserves a real man, not some pale comparison of one. Right now I am focusing on the heal of the heartbreak, taking care of my physical and mental health, and pursing my dreams! I will not forsake myself for any man!!! Nor will I forsake the dreams of having a long wonderful, real, deep relationship with a MAN, just because society says “why bother? You’d only be deemed as “too needy” Look like you don’t care and you’ll “keep him”. I mean he’ll disrespect you and all, but hey at least you’ll have a man.”

    Look, I believe we going to find a good man as long as we set our eyes on God. God fearfully and wonderfully made us, so why should be afraid to be ourselves? We honor God by being the person he created us to be. Remembering this keeps me sane in this world!!!! Especially on the days I feel lonely. Here are other verses that keep in hopeful in finding love:
    Genesis 2:18 : Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”
    1 John 3:22: And whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him.
    Matthew 6:33: But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
    Song of Solomon 3:5: I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.
    Isaiah 34:16: Seek and read from the book of the Lord: Not one of these shall be missing; none shall be without her mate. For the mouth of the Lord has commanded, and his Spirit has gathered them.
    1 Corinthians 7:8-9: “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
    (Basically meaning use your time to be single, so you can be with God more. Not to mention you can carry this love God into your future family)

    God knows our desires and I believe he send for the relationship we’ve always wanted to have with a man. Heck! God may give us a man beyond our wildest dreams! 🙂 But till then, let’s focus on God to help bypass us this thing we call “modern dating”.

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  87. Sister, you are correct in this critique. But I ask the question – what does this do to men? I suspect it keeps males in permanent adolescence. Permanently juvenile. Women are coming on strong in society these days, and blokes respond to this legitimate challenge with illegitimate rule setting, and corrosive behaviour.

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    • Hi Bill! Thanks for this reflection. Hmm what an interesting question to ponder. You bring up some great points. Thanks for the great food for thought. Hugs and love xo

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  90. Great post. I have so much admiration for what a real Catholic marriage looks like (have you ever read Deus Caritas Est?) that I’m not even tempted by the cheap substitutes. But right now I have a crush on someone who does not share that vision and it hurts. 🙁

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  91. I couldn’t agree more! However, insisting on this eliminates 98% of the dating pool…
    Even some nice Christian guys or men are into the contemporary scene.
    The problem is if you missed the train when all the nice Christian guys got married at approximately 21 y.o! By the time they are 28, they have 3 kids. You then have to wait for the divorces to start happening, which is sad and cynical. Plus that means a lot of baggage.

    Alternatively if you find a nice Christian guy who isn’t married at 30 (which I did) then beware – he could be a closet gay. Mine was and I only discovered a couple of weeks before the wedding. It’s been downhill since then.

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  92. Thank you for this post! So many people out there are playing the dating game and having a heck of a time finding mr. right because they do not value themselves or believe the societal lies that tell them sex is cheap and marriage is just paper. I was a chaser growing up, I chased after boys and their affection…I only found mister right when I stopped chasing and just let God be God. I could never pick a greater match than what he had waiting for me. Now I have been married 2 years after being friends for 5, and I couldn’t be happier…the best part..is being united with someone who puts God first. When you put God first you actually love each other more completely and see them the way God see’s them.

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    • Oh my gosh Riley this is such a beautiful beautiful story. So inspiring. You’re absolutely right-when we just let God be God, He will bring into our lives who we’re meant to be with. What a powerful and comforting thought. So glad you’ve found a Christ centered marriage! Thanks again for reading! Hugs and love xox

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  93. I totally loved this post. I feel I can totally relate though we’re not even on the same continent lol. Based on my past experiences, I’ve told myself I won’t jump into any relationship though it seems like everyone around me is dating and having sex and ‘having fun’. It can get you thinking whether you’re making the right choice but I believe at the right time I’ll be with the man He wants me to be with.
    God bless you

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    • Hi friend. Thank you for this beautiful response. I think you’re right. I have to trust that He will bring him into my life in His perfect timing. Thanks for reading! Hugs and love xox

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  94. Okay but, see the issue there? Where your #7 is the direct cause of the #5 effect? Where you DON’T want the formality of #9, but somehow want a man to magically drop out of the sky like the 2nd coming? Do you see the impossibility of that social minefield you want another human being to walk through just to get to know you? We ain’t Jesus! He’ll find you where you’re hiding but, can you reasonably expect decent guys to do that past all these artificial courtship gates at every possible introduction? Reverse roles – would YOU do that? (not a rhetorical question)

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    • Hi Siya, thank you for your reflection. I can see how this seems contradictory. I was simply venting about certain trends that I’ve noticed in NYC. And I will say this: I am open and respectful and friendly to everyone. And I give everyone the time of day. But I am perceptive enough to know when a guy is scamming on me at a bar for “the wrong reasons” and when a guy is simply being socialable and friendly and chatting with the girl next to him waiting in line for the bartender at the bar. There is a huge difference. Not all guys are like the former, of course…but there are enough of those guys out there that it merited a discussion. I hope that makes sense. I’m not some man-hating and judgmental snob-I am open minded and try to see a potential friend in ever encounter I have. I just don’t want to be treated as a piece of meat by the 15% of guys out there that fall into that category. Hope that clarify. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts! I always love a healthy dialogue! ☺️

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  95. When I re-read this piece as a whisper, it makes me feel like you are sharing the most important information that a person could use in this digital age.

    In the last century (ha ha) we used paper and pen and wrote notes in our own handwriting to someone we were interested in without any expectation of sex or drugs. The rock and roll was a given, though. (Notes still have power – yay!)
    🙂

    I am so proud you are grounded. Fortunately, you are being judged **precious** by what you do and not so much by what you wear.
    <3

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    • Hi there friend! gosh,thank you for such encouraging words! Oh the power of a note…i think that’s why I still get so excited to get a piece of snail mail that ISN’T a bill!! haha Thanks for this perspective and encouragement! hugs and love to you xox

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  96. Hi Beauty, As an “old” man with 3 marriages under my belt – the last one has now lasted 17 years with 5 good kids to show for it (all under 15!) – I say as loud an AMEN as I can. My wife and I were friends and never dated. She waited 4 1/2 years for me to figure out we were supposed to be together. But God so obviously put us together and the fruit has shown over the years. In your own life, hold on! God’s mate for you is very much worth waiting for even in those darkest of nights where you think nothing is happening or worse, you’re tempted to take a short cut to your dreams. God is preparing your mate too – and he might need even more work than you do! LOL Keep up the good work! In His love, Neil

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  100. This is so true!! Not just true but what I also believe. It’s a waste of time for both of us to be working. God works while I do the resting.

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  102. Irrespective of my religious beliefs, I must say your article was a breath of fresh air.

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  105. Extremely wise words for people who are just now stepping out into the dating world or for people who haven’t left that air of immaturity behind. Glad to know that a young lady has all this in mind and is honest enough to say it out loud.

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  106. I really loved this post and I felt encouraged. It reminds me of what is written in the bible. We are born in this world and not if it 🙂 Lovely post and new follower 🙂

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  107. So I just found this post, because you linked to it in your recent post. I’m the other gender and on the other coast, but I experience a lot of the same frustrations. I spent most of my 20s around the other extreme, the kind of legalistic Christians who throw a fit if you’re spending time alone with the opposite sex or kissing before your wedding day. And I’ve spent most of my almost-over-now 30s around the kind of people you describe in this post. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. I just haven’t found it yet. But it is encouraging to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way.

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  108. I know it is possible to miss one who is out there…but not if you are putting Jesus first. Holy Spirit will lead you….He is the new wine who gives love peace and joy to guide you. Sense that outside of the church building proper ….not in a bar, just as you said… you will meet the guy. I keep sensing sometime when you are involved in service to a charity somewhere…some really good giving of your time to a deserving work…he will be there. If HE (Jesus) has you somewhere giving of yourself look for him to show up….somehow some way that you know it is a “Godincident”. Praying for you right now…Charlie

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    • Wow, Charlie, thank you so much for this beautiful persecutive. You’ve given me so much to think about here this morning. Seriously, I appreciate the great insight. I’m going to go look up volunteer opportunities in the church bulletin right now 🙂 sending big hugs xox

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  109. I’ve been reading your blog since you liked one of my posts 🙂 (that’s how I discovered your blog). My first comment.
    Thank you so much for writing this. I do not live in NYC, but I’ve found similar situations in several cities I’ve lived in. It’s sad that something as beautiful as romance/courtship has been debased the way it has, and that this toxic culture is promoted in our media. Sometimes I sigh. But I’m not dismayed. There are responsible, mature, God-honouring people in the world who won’t use other people like (sex) objects. It just takes a little digging to find them.
    Also, just thought I should inject here my opinion about Mr. Right which is that there’s probably more than one candidate, and you should patiently seek the person out as opposed to waiting around for him to magically appear in your life. Okthanksbye.

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  110. Wouldn’t you say you are limiting yourself all because you aren’t willing to adapt to “modern dating”? Everyone knows that dating comes along with certain subconscious behaviors aka not acting too needy, clingy, desperate or too eager. Those subconscious behaviors become embedded in us at a young dating age when you start figuring out what “works” and what doesn’t work. Let’s get real if you don’t want to causally date then you are setting yourself up to appear like all those behaviors I listed above. Casually dating doesn’t ALWAYS have to mean sex…or having a F buddy. But it does mean that you are in the process of getting to know what the other person is all about. That could entail going to a happy hour or going for coffee instead of a full blown date, which indirectly adds increasingly amounts of pressure on both parties. Starting with something less casually can progress the relationship naturally instead of having a forced “idealistic” idea of what dating “should” be. A certain degree of games are naturally played in any progression of dating or a relationship so if you don’t think they exist or should exist than you got a tough road ahead of you. Maybe you’re looking for an “insta-texter” that responds within 1 minute to your every text or someone who is overly eager, until you increasingly become uninterested for reasons “unknown” to you. It’s in your subconscious to be turned off by behaviors like that, its not surface level. No one wants that right off the bat when they are still trying to get to know someone, its a turn off for both males and females. SO i say embrace the casual aspect of getting to know someone and it CAN be without sex. Otherwise you may scare off the Mr. Right that God has sent to you, by swiping right to quickly with expectations of how you should be dated.

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    • Hey Nate, thank you for this great perspective. A lot of really great points here. Yeah, i think there is a lot of truth in putting myself out there and just seeing what happens. “Idealism” is definitely not realistic, so I should just give love a chance in the often broken system that exists. thanks for stopping by! hugs and love xox

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  111. Hahaha! I love your article, you keep it real!
    I think so many are facing the same problem. Dating these days is like shopping online. If you don’t like the item, you can just return it. But it is something to be respected, treasured. I have a question though, what do you think about christian mingle?

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    • Thanks so much! That’s so true…hmm I don’t know! I have never tried it. I’m kinda old fashioned in that I want to meet someone in person, but then I guess…look how that’s turned out so far lol. Thanks for reading! Hugs and love xox

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  112. I’ve been where you are in some sense and got so tired of looking. It’s easy to get down on men in general. But I hope you know that there are still good guys out there who DO want the same thing that you do – a loving relationship. Keep thinking about those guys, not the superficial ones. Keep an open mind about men you meet who might not meet exactly your standards of whatever (looks, personality, brains) but who might still have much to offer you and who you can still be attracted to. I was single for much longer than I should have been because I was overly picky and judgmental. When I found my husband, I almost let him get away because I wasn’t sure he met my checklist. Thank heavens I came to my senses. We have two wonderful kids today, and to think I almost “swiped left.” (And my clock was probably ticking way louder than yours…)

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    • Hi Laura, thank you so much for this encouragement! You’re right-I’ve gotta keep my eyes open because yes, there are still good guys out there. You’ve given me hope! Haha but seriously…thank you. Big hugs xox

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  117. This is so cool. I personally feel that nowadays a lot of people put adhering to pop culture and society standards above just being themselves. they won’t express their emotions or how they feel just because society has said its ‘not cool’. I think that there is no one way of dating and people shouldn’t be afraid of being themselves even if it is ‘weird’.
    Thanks for this

    Reply

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