I’ve been sitting, staring at this blank page for about 2 hours now.
Granted, I’ve taken a few breaks to peruse Buzzfeed, watch a Korean makeup video, and get ready for bed, but let’s face it. I’ve got writer’s block.
Which royally stinks.
So I’m going to go back to my roots here tonight. Return to why I started this blog in the first place.
Sometimes, when I think back to when I was in the throes of anorexia, it catches my breath. Thinking about all the ways I was ruled by this menacing dictator in my head: ED. Days were calculated to the minute. Choices and moments were heightened, inducing high stakes anxiety attacks. I was in the most extreme vortex of panic, all the time. About food. Exercise. Movement. Calories. Body image. Fear. Stress. Routines. Schedules. Secrecy.
I was trapped. A prisoner in my own disordered mind.
And honestly, thinking back to how entrenched I was – truly, in every sense of that word — completely consumed, suffocated, — I honestly cannot believe that I escaped. Because during that time, I would have never thought that freedom from that state of strangulation was possible. The thought of being recovered, it was simply unimaginable. Overwhelming to consider. It seemed completely unattainable.
And I don’t think I’m alone in that. For a lot of girls trapped in an eating disorder, imagining a life free from ED is downright impossible. Just the thought of the next meal is enough to send you into a full-blown panic attack, so the thought of a recovered life where you eat without fear, have a healthy body, and accept who you are…it’s simply out of the realm of possibilities.
So how then, did I do it?
I think that’s the question I get asked the most. How did I break free? How did I embrace recovery when I was so sick.
And I know, the answer “It was God” is enough to give you eye strain from the severity of the eye roll it solicits.
But here’s the truth.
It only takes one baby step. One decision. One choice: I am going to begin the journey of recovery.
One moment of looking up and saying, “help.” Because that’s it – you don’t have to have all the steps figured out yet. You won’t. Guaranteed. You won’t know what you will need, how you will do it, what tools/strategies/methods/obstacles/detours you will need along the way, but that’s okay. You don’t have to.
Because that’s where God comes in.
That’s what I mean when I say, “It was God.”
All I had to do was make the decision to try. To begin. To start.
It’s like that scene in Aladdin (I know, I’m a sucker for classic Disney. Don’t give me none of this Pixar crap…)
Aladdin takes a step off of Jasmine’s balcony, and as he’s about to fall, the magic carpet swoops in and gives him footing.
God will give you what you need for the journey. He’ll give you everything necessary to succeed.
But I had to give Him my “yes.” I had to choose to begin.
Were there days that I slipped up? 100%. Heck, I had a period where I relapsed. Hard.
Where was God then?
Well I’ll tell ya. God’s not the welfare system. I mean, He is...Grace is the biggest “government” handout we’ll ever be privileged enough to receive.
But – we have to actively work, too.
I had to make the conscious decision every day to stick to recovery. I always have. Always will.
But when I choose to make that decision, and ask for help, I get it. Every time.
So that how “I did it.” That’s how I broke free.
I said yes, He provided the way.
Now…back to those Korean make up videos…
*And a huge thank you and shoutout to Fr. Mike for being my inspiration for this piece 🙂
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