Sitting here in my airplane seat, 30,000 feet above the earth, I don’t know if it’s the actual closer proximity to God, or the thinning of oxygen in the air, but for the first time in a week, I am able to breathe. Able to think. Able to remove myself from the whirlpool of emotion and chaos at home and literally take a look from the outside in.
And for the first time all week, I have just been able to let the tears flow. Not caring about the onlookers, or the corner-of-their-eye-peekers. Now is the first time when I’ve been able to slouch my spine and not be strong.
There’s a surge that comes over your body during times of distress. My mind is remembering the verse about the Holy Spirit interceding for us when we don’t know how to pray with wordless groans – and forgive me, I’m too exhausted to scour the online bibles to get the exact verse, but just trust me on this one.
Because not only do I know it’s in there…but I’ve lived it.
I’ve experienced it. First hand.
I think if we’re all being honest with ourselves…I mean, really, painfully honest…our faith life can ebb and flow. We can be really on fire, or sometimes just lukewarm. Maybe that makes me a bad Christian. But hey, coming from the young woman unabashedly crying right now in public (and in front of a cute guy, I might add)…I clearly have no shame right now. No dignity to lose.
All it takes is one life altering event, and there you are, face down in the dust, grasping for the coattails of Jesus’ robe.
Something happens. And I don’t know how to describe it, but over the past few difficult days here, I have never felt so close to God. Have I been scared? Yes…shitless. Have I been sad? Angry? Confused? Discouraged? Exhausted? Panicked? Shocked? Heart broken? Yes…all of the above.
But somehow, someway, I have gotten through it. I have been strong. I have done the next right thing, said what needs to be said, offered support and comfort and love. All while I’m falling apart on the inside.
But I’ve been upheld.
And in fact, I’ve been drawn closer to the Father.
By none of my doing, I might add.
I think you all know by now the struggle I’ve battled with feeling worthy. After my anorexia, believing and claiming my self worth has been a constant battle. And sometimes, that even extends to my faith – I often don’t feel worthy to lift my face to Jesus and pray. I go to church, but I’ll feel as though I don’t deserve to even be in His presence. That I’m a phony. A hypocrite.
This week, though I still feel that in my mind, it’s like Jesus is working the master command and has done a manual override on those thoughts and feelings. He has just been carrying me through this time, without my asking, without my awareness. He’s getting me through, minute to minute.
For the first time in a long time, I felt that freedom of prayer from an unstained heart. I prayed, and I wasn’t being suppressed by the internal dialogue of conviction and unworthiness.
I was whispering directly into the ear of the Father.
I don’t know, this post is now pretty….well, it’s out there. I blame Delta for slipping me a roofie in my club soda.
There are times in life when we are strong. And times in life when we need someone to be strong for us. And then, there are those rare occasions where being strong is the only option, regardless of how we may be. And it is in those rare moments that if we take a second to recognize, we realize that our strength is coming entirely from an outside entity. And maybe, if we concentrate hard enough, we’d realize that we’re actually not standing at all…but being held.
Everyone’s had that experience of caring for an intoxicated friend. You get them dressed for bed, help them brush their teeth/take off makeup/wash their face/get them a glass of water and a trash can by their nightstand…you literally do everything for them. And then leave. And they wake up in the morning, not knowing how they got all safe and sound in their bed, completely taken care of. Well, that’s what God’s done with me.
He doesn’t ask. He just does. Steps in.
Going forward, things will be challenging. New. Uncharted territory. But I’m grateful to have wonderful friends like you along for every step of the way.
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