Oh how my days are different these days.
I’ve always been a bit of a night owl, but nowadays, the nighttime is my own personal retreat. When the whole house is asleep, alarm on, and my darkened room is lit with the glow of my overworked MacBook, I can finally breathe. Reflect. Write. Numb out. It is my respite of quiet. Of solace.
Over the past five weeks since my mom’s stroke, I have definitely walked through a lot of emotions.
They say that there are five stages of grief, but I don’t think I’ve even ever allowed myself to “go there” and entertain that mindset of “grief,” because I have nothing to grieve. I believe that my mom is going to get better. Period. I am clinging to that hope. I am demanding that of God.
But tonight was the first night where I just was … well … I was feeling down tonight. It was a rough evening, and sitting here in the quiet of my bedroom, I let myself feel those feelings that I have been forbidding to cross my mental field since it happened. And I’ll tell you what…it was a pretty sobering experience.
Through all of this, I have so tried not to think about myself. I’ve focused on my mom. My dad. How I can best serve them. How I can update my siblings and keep them in the loop and keep them encouraged.
But tonight. I thought about me.
And I cried. A lot.
It was a mixture of some anger and then just deep sorrow.
I almost couldn’t catch my breath, thinking about how, I am so young. I have so much of my life ahead of me. Life that I need my mom for. Need her guidance. Her wisdom. Advice. Opinions.
There are so many things I wish I could have asked her before this happened, such as, should I wear a veil with my wedding dress? How do you hem a pair of men’s dress pants? How do you work through tough issues in a marriage? What is the proper wine bottle to number-of-party-guests ratio? What are the best memories of her early years of marriage and what does she wish she could have done differently/sooner?
Things that, I fear, she may never be able to fully answer.
And that gave me such deep sorrow. Thinking about all of her incredible wisdom that I could be missing out on if she doesn’t get “better.”
My mom is such a beautiful source of Godly wisdom on how to be a joyful and selfless wife/mother/friend/teacher/encourager/neighbor/person….why didn’t I interrogate her and tape record her answers when I had the chance and she was able to fully express herself?
But what really got to me was thinking about my future wedding someday. And how scared I am that she won’t be able to fully be present. Looking into her eyes in the bridal room before I walk down the aisle and not having the mother I’ve always known whisper the words I need hear in that moment…it kills me.
Crying in the darkness, letting my mind go to these heart wrenching places, I was about ready to just shut my laptop and close my eyes, and succumb to the images in my head. And in that moment, my heart surged with stillness, and I was filled with this overwhelming thought of “Do you trust me?”
I’m not saying I heard the voice of God, but sometimes, a phrase will just pop in my mind out of nowhere, and I am hard pressed to believe that those messages aren’t inspired by the Father.
Do you trust me?
Well, God, if you’re asking and I’m being candid…yes, but right now, I’m having a pretty hard time doing so.
Fear is a pretty strong emotion. It’s the trump card. When fear is present, all bets are off. And I’m going to be honest…if I let my guard down, I become pretty fearful.
Do you trust me?
Yes, Lord, I do.
My mom will get better. I am claiming that. Demanding it of God. But if she doesn’t and this is as far as her recovery is going to go, I know that it will be okay.
God will make it be okay.
God will make it be okay.
God will make me believe it will be okay.
God will make me believe that I will be okay.
Maybe there is something that I’m supposed to be learning in all of this. Maybe there is a greater plan at work, and all this was supposed to get my life or my mom’s life on a different path or trajectory than it had been on. Who knows.
But I do know, that right now, in this very moment, I am being asked to trust Him.
He has never forsaken me. Ever. Nor will He now.
Yes, Lord. I trust You.
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