Put the Fire Out

I have a confession: one that I’m really not proud of.

But tonight at church, and really for the last couple weeks, I honestly have just felt…nothing.

It’s like I’ve been spiritually numb.

But tonight was different. I was actually getting angry.

I was sitting in the pew, and just inexplicably fuming, being critical of every little thing: the priest seemed arrogant. The pace was too slow. I was literally shooting daggers with my eyes at the elderly woman leading the songs. (A capella, I might add.) Who is this monster I’ve allowed in my thoughts and heart?!

But I was just checked out. And the more I thought about it, the worse it got.

I’m going to be honest: growing up, I had a few episodes of… the silent treatment.

I’m not proud to admit that passive aggressive low blow, but I have been known to give my parents the silent treatment during rare occasions, back in the day, when I was really angry about something.

And I realized tonight, that my behavior pattern in church these last few weeks is exactly that: I’m giving God the silent treatment.

Because I realized tonight, I’m still angry at Him. I’m still feeling really hurt and abandoned and so I’ve been slipping into my old bad habit of icing out the person I’m upset with.

Obviously, I’m upset with God for my mom’s stroke and the aftermath we’re having to adjust to. But there’s recently been something else.

I know I’ve mentioned it before, but I have an autoimmune disease: Ulcerative Colitis. And in the last two weeks, I’ve had a pretty severe symptom flare up: An extra-intestinal symptom, meaning it’s an autoimmune response not associated with Ulcerative Colitis, but just due to the fact that my immune system is screwed up.

Anyways, long story short, I’m just angry that God is allowing this. I’m thinking, Seriously God? You’re going to throw this at me now…when it hasn’t even been a year since my mom’s stroke?

And thinking about it tonight, I know the textbook answer is that I’m supposed to “trust God” and “rely not on my own understanding but believe in His perfect plan and timing.”

And frankly, that just seems so passive right now, when I’ve got this fiery symptom flaring up, and I’m just waiting to see what happens next?

Tonight, during the sermon, I was berating it in my mind, pleading for it to just hurry up and be over already, when my ears caught something that made me actually start listening: the priest’s dad had a stroke.

OK…I’m listening.

He went on to discuss the importance of praise, especially when we’re in seemingly hopeless or upsetting situations.

We can trust. We can do what we have to do. But we must never forget to praise Him, because His love never changes, no matter the circumstance. Not even if we’re icing Him out: His love is worthy of praise.


Honestly, that’s not really what I wanted to hear tonight. I would have rather just fumed about the hard-of-hearing older woman belting out the hymn, off tempo and off key, and just hate on everything about my current situation.

That would have been the easy – and probably more temporarily satisfying – thing to do. But I realize that by turning my eyes upward, I will take my focus off of myself. I’ll alleviate my fears and worry by thinking about the One who truly has never let me down.


Turns out that every “seemingly horrible” scenario in my life – be it my anorexia, past flares, mom’s stroke, etc.…each of those literal life altering seasons of my life have set me on the path I needed to be on, and taught me an invaluable lesson along the way.


I kinda wish I could go back and have a “do-over” of church today, and walk in there with the mindset I have now rather than the Critical Caralyn that hemmed and hawed her way through mass this evening.

I guess there’s always tomorrow for that.

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435 responses to “Put the Fire Out”

  1. I’m naturally passive aggressive too. If turning those experiences to praise is not working, another option is rage. We’re looking at a God who claims to have known us in the womb and says he has a record of how many hairs there are on our head. There is no point in being silent, its not theoretically possible.

    Its like one of those open secrets “I know, and you know, and I know that you know, but if I admit to you that you know it will break the spell” sort of thing. Unsustaintable.

    The psalmists and the prophets are constantly at him with their disappointment and their frustration – I think sometimes saying right out loud the worst thing you think God wants to hear is a good place to be.

    • I agree wholeheartedly. God already knows what we’re feeling. Why not hash it out with Him? He’s a big God. He can take it. And He’s gonna keep on loving us anyway. Our relationship with Him is like any other we have. It won’t grow if we keep things bottled up inside. As you already mentioned, even David, a man after God’s own heart, didn’t hold back any punches. He laid it all out before God but the cool thing is David’s ranting, whining and complaining always ended in full-blown praise for the God he trusted to save, protect, love and carry him all of his days.

  2. Really sorry to hear about your trouble in church, I went through a similar thing quite a few years ago now and ended up turning to other places for answers to questions for why things were so bad and why is god letting them happen. I never found the answers and gave up on religion. Not saying you should though, if you can find your answers in your faith then stick with it but always follow your instincts. it’s normal and healthy to question things, I still think about that stuff even though I’m a massive atheist xD

  3. And here is the major reason you and I differ. The whole “why does he let bad things happen to kids and good people and innocent victims, when he could snap a finger and save them” is why I’ll never be a believer. Always impressed you can find your faith lady!

    I hope you feel better from you flare up soon! Hugs as always!

    • I’m impressed with the level of honesty of both you and BBB. I was raised to be a Christian (Catholic) and have faith in God. Trust and believe, I tried. I ended up being, what I think, is a believer of reason. I have respect for the faith of others, whatever that may be. My Point: The honesty WITH civility I am seeing here, in both of you, is very refreshing .

  4. Hey Caralyn, it’s ok to feel angry. Cuz honestly, life sucks (at times… sometimes it feels like all the time). You’ve gone through a lot. Let yourself vent!! In fact, good for you. Thank you for being honest!
    If I may be so bold to say, remember that the devil is real, and he’s the bully. Also, we are all sinful, and we all deserve hell. All the crap that life throws at us? It’s the result of being infected with sin. BUT – our comfort comes from our God who loves us, promises to be with us, and sacrificed the life of his perfect son for us so that after we endure this life, we will live forever with him in a perfect one.
    Anyway, girl your posts are great and I always look forward to reading them. Love you! Keep it up.

  5. Hi, Caralyn!
    If you can read my current post, it is likely that I will tell you something, and if you can tell me your opinion, I will be happy and grateful!

  6. A few things. First off, everyone goes through dry spells spiritually. Personally, I have enough of them to qualify as my own desert. It happens. We’re human. Life gets us down, especially if life is tough. You start walking around wondering if God is really All-Powerful, how come He can’t float some of that power our way to make things easier.

    Ever since April, life has kind of sucked, but I suppose not in the same way yours has.

    I was laid off of my job at a company where I had been (apparently) a good worker for eight years. That’s what happens when the largest private equity firm in the world sinks millions into you, puts members on your board, and changes the rules considerably (the price of success, I fear). Then my Dad died suddenly (and I’m super thankful I just happened to be visiting at the time since I have no idea how Mom would have managed otherwise). Mom’s dementia is getting worse and worse. I’m working at a temp-slave job and have the world’s worst medical insurance. On top of all that, my wife and one of my sons left Idaho for California this morning to visit my daughter in Napa, California and to take her some stuff she bought on her last visit here. No one is answering my texts and there’s a 200 acre fire in Napa County

    I don’t blame God for most of that, not yet. If my son and wife turn up dead, then I’ll have to re-evaluate that position. They probably are fine, Maybe they are in a place with no cell reception. Maybe they’re just busy and will get back to me.

    My Dad was one day shy of his 85th birthday when he died. My Mom is 85 and she’s terrified of losing her independence. Her decision making ability is in the toilet. I’m stressed out of my mind right now. Where is God?

    Where He’s always been of course. My big problem isn’t God, it’s me. He’s been there for me a thousand thousand times in the past and I only ever realized it after the fact. I’m banking on this situation being the same.

    You are one of the most inspiring people I’ve ever known (except that we’ve never met, of course). Don’t beat yourself up for being human. God understands, even when everyone else can’t or won’t because, after all, they/we aren’t God.

    • Hi James, thank you so much for sharing your story. Gosh my heart just goes out to you. I’m so sorry to hear about your father. I will definitely keep your family in my prayers. Thank you for this powerful response. Hugs and love xox

      • The good news is I called my wife and everyone was fine. True to form, she didn’t perceive that anything was amiss so that part’s all good. I’m surprisingly okay with my Dad’s passing. I’m a lot more worried about Mom.

  7. Thanks for sharing this! I’ve been struggling with depression for most of my life, and the past year and half has been awful. And while I didn’t find myself angry with God (probably because I didn’t have the strength or passion to be angry about anything), I wanted to know WHY God is allowing this to happen.

    I’m still struggling through it, but something I’ve learned during this struggle is that I’m not alone. I’ve reached out and connected with people that I never thought really cared. And I wouldn’t have reached out if I hadn’t been in such a low place. And I’ve spent more time in my Bible, reading about how God loves and values people, even me.

    Sometimes situations are really lousy, but I believe God can always bring beauty from darkness and despair if we let Him.

    I hope things get better for you soon!

    • Hi CC, thank you so much for your thoughtful response and for sharing your story. Yeah seeking the “why” is something I can absolutely relate to. Know that I’m keeping you in my prayers 🙂 Hugs and love xox

  8. Honestly one of the best things I have ever done is to go boldly before the throne of grace and read God the riot act. really give him a piece of my mind. Of course, I was a bit hysterical at the time,so believing I should straightening out God Himself made a lot more sense. But it was one of the best things I ever did because He answered me in so many ways and it began an intimate conversation and a deep relationship. Under my old way of thinking I would usually keep things to myself, never think abandon all reverence and really say what I was feeling. Someone reminded me that God already knows how we are really feeling, I’m not protecting him or fooling him by “icing Him out,” as you said. Also,He doesn’t actually turn us into a pillar of salt when we yell at Him. 🙂

  9. Thoughts and prayers are with you. As a fellow sufferer of ulcerative colitis, I feel for you! I recommend two of my favorite passages from the Old Testament… Jeremiah 17:7-8 and Habakkuk 3:17-19. They help me stay focused on God, not my circumstances. Blessings to you!

  10. Get a copy of The Cloud of Unknowing. Great read. The silent/ wilderness times are where one’s character and spiritual maturity are formed. Check me out at Wrisley.org.

  11. So sorry you are having a bad time. Having colitis is the pits. However, whether we FEEl it or not God is with us. I try to remember the 23rd psalm: though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death you are with me!

  12. God loves you in whatever state you are! He loves even more you are honest with Him.
    He knows what’s going on, even when He knows you need time to get there with Him.
    He’s your Father! And He’s your God. Just keep being honest with Him.
    A song that helps me lately is Stronger For It.
    It focuses on our weaknesses making us stronger.
    Praying for you, Caralyn!

  13. God has big shoulders and He can handle our anger. What I fail to understand is why people believe God promised us an easy life. He didn’t, but He walks besides us through our trials. He provides us with peace when we cannot possibly have it. God did not create evil in this world. People did. When we ask He can heal us from pain and give us a hope and future. Thank you for staying true to your faith in God.

  14. Dear Caralyn,

    I think I have a taste for what you were feeling in church. It reminded me of Hillary’s last huge seizure and back spasms. After the rescue squad drove off with her and Julie, I stood there in my driveway, yelling at God.

    “If You have to have someone, come get me! I’ve lived my life, and she’s barely tasted hers, so if someone has to suffer, bring it here! I’ll take it! Just leave MY DAUGHTER ALONE!!”

    Not my most thought-out prayer of all time, eh? Maybe I got style points for loving my daughter…I don’t know. But I was addressing the wrong being, right? Remember my article from 9/30, Unforced Errors? You liked it.

    “If there’s a loving God,…”

    This is not, NOT God’s plan and timing. It’s the other guy, OK? People who try to tell you that are simply mis-informed. Ditto on those who tell you God only gives us what we can handle. First, referring to the wrong entity. Ol’ pointy ass is the one who’s dealing it. GOD tells us His strength is at our disposal when we’re in over our heads. Which is pretty well all the time, considering we are in Zombie Land, right?

    Julie and I are in Florida on that vacation, and after trying to rush through the Atlanta airport and not having a chance to eat all day, well, I’m feeling my 60 years in the humid 90 degree humidity here in Naples. After having been a fairly studly guy until my heart surgery, this is very hard stuff to come to grips with.

    You have it worse than me, no doubt. I mean…possession, ED, Mrs. BBB’s stroke, now the UC and auto-immune. At least you’re not ugly on top of all that!! 🙂  (your cue to smile)

    Even Job cracked, although he didn’t break. So you developed a crack. Yell at the right guy and go running into the arms of the Perfect Guy!

    Well, my dear. I’m feeling a little punk tonight, so that’s all I’ve got. Sorry, but I’ll have to pass on Patreon tonight. Just pretty spent.

    • Hey Jeff, thanks for this. Ha, yeah sometimes those prayers of desperation are all we can muster. You’re right. It is the other guy. Oh my gosh that’s so exciting about Florida!! I hope the two of you have an incredible trip. Stay cool and stay healthy 🙂 haha you’re funny. So true. Yell at the right guy and run to the perfect Guy. amen amen amen. Hope your night gets better 🙂 have fun on your trip! Hugs to you and Julie!

  15. Sometimes the things we have to trust for are not easy, dear one. I lost my dad and my husband within 6 months, then lost my job. But in all that, I somehow knew God was moving me somewhere else. Well, here I am 1000 miles away from where I started, and slowly God is restoring things I never should’ve let go of. I will remember you in my prayers for healing.

    • Hey Pamela, thank you so much for your prayers. And thank you for sharing your story. Gosh that’s so tough. I’m sorry to hear that. I’m glad you’re in the restoration process 🙂 Hugs and love xox

  16. I understand your anger and frustration. Sometimes we take it out on the smallest aspects of the anger/frustration…like the person singing a cappella. Recently, we were attending a First Confirmation for my nephew and the person singing was so off-key. The sound of her voice was really giving me negative vibes until I remembered our real reason for being there! I know it is upsetting about your Mom’s stroke and the changes are difficult. I had a mild stroke on August 8…when we were in Colorado on vacation. What a shock! Even though the stroke was mild, the recovery is not an easy process! I just have to keep smiling…that’s all there is to it!

    • Thank you so much for sharing your story. Gosh I’m so sorry to hear that. You are a warrior! Keep fighting friend. You are an inspiration. Sending so much love and know that you’re in my prayers xox

  17. I am not a religious person but I have experienced the “silent treatment” many times so I can relate. My husband always asks me “what is the matter?” But I can’t explain it. It’s a feeling that has always been there. The worst part is when it happens around my kids…they are getting older and noticing now. I have seriously been reading your blog all day!

  18. I have a bum shoulder and a bum ear. At age 48 these are two things that are really bothering me. I know its a part of aging and I can do something about it. It’s more than OK to be mad at God because God can handle it. There are people who God sent to be in your life to help you through your situations. He didn’t cause the trouble but he is there for you in it.

  19. Great read. It’s human to be annoyed by everyone and everything. I have my days like that as well. LoL But I try sometimes to put things in its proper perspective. Sometimes I succeed at it and sometimes I struggle. Just keep praying and believing for your healing of ulcerative colitis and I will keep you in my prayers. I’m a living witness it can be healed. 💜

  20. I so easily identify with your anger and frustration. I’ve been there and done that — and worse. Somehow God loved and loves me anyway. I can’t explain it, but only belief in God can ever make sense out of this hell-hole world we live in. I’ve tried it the other way and nearly went even crazier than when I was just angry. At the depth of the pit that I dug myself into, I started reading and rereading the Psalms every day. I looked for, marked, and loved the ones where the writer complained and called for destruction of all that had injured him. I even helped the Psalmist out sometimes, by putting the names of my enemies into the poem, so God would really know how badly I had been treated. But I never ceased to be amazed that after expressing anger, the writer ended up praising God. At first, it sort of made me mad that he “switched sides,” quit complaining, and then even began praising a God who had NOT been his help as far as I could tell.

    Finally I calmed down (and I’m talking about months here) and began to see that all that anger at God was in the Bible for our sake. God wants us to be honest with ourselves and with Him. I’m neither a saint nor a psychologist, but I now think the Psalms can serve as our release valve, like that little thingy in the lid of a pressure cooker that lets out steam in small doses ever so often to keep it from exploding.

    At any rate, I want you to know that I have appreciated your honesty and humility every week since I started following you. You’ve inspired me many times. I would like to just make all your problems go away, but I can’t. However, I’ll add you to my rosary prayer list.

    • Thanks for this friend. I really appreciate you sharing your story. I’ll have to go dive into the psalms. Thanks for your kindness and for your prayers. Means a lot 🙂 sending big big hugs xox

  21. Do you know what the good news is about the Good News? God understands our humanity, he understands that Adam’s choice inflicted a second nature on the human race. We still carry traces of the “image of God” but we have the second nature of rebellion thanks to Adam. God understands this situation will continue until He takes us to heaven changed with the second nature removed. So remember when health, hormones or whatever causes us to think thoughts that don’t fit the spiritual pattern God understands our distress and is waiting for us to get over it so He can renew the relationship with us. He pulled out all stops through Jesus to get us to heaven, He wants us there and only we can make the decision to keep ourselves out. Keep up your self-affirmation exercise, Tell yourself, “you are valued, you are loved!”

    • Thanks for this Ian, you’re right – that is such a comforting fact and it gives me a lot of peace. That’s so true – He really did pull out all the stops!! Hugs and love xox

  22. Love your honesty. The times I’ve been there, done that. I was going to get on here and comment something pithy but honestly, everyone else has said it so well, I’ll just stick with, “Yep.”

  23. Somewhere along the line, I learned to be thankful for things that have happened regardless of whether they are things that I wanted or prayed for or whether they just appeared in my life. In the end, there was peace of mind. If God is omniscient, God already knows our needs, desires, etc. Why ask? Just be thankful for everything that happens.

    Incidentally, there have been many religious services that I’ve tuned out for one reason or another.

  24. Caralyn and James, too: Sometimes things just happen. It doesn’t mean God caused them to happen. Yes, he could just make all the bad things go poof! and disappear, but none of us knows what the repercussions of that action would be. God does, however, and I don’t believe He would ever do something miraculous for one person that would cause harm to another. What God does do is to give us the opportunity to learn from our experiences, good and bad. How often do we stop and ask God why so many great things are happening to us? Y’all’s honesty is refreshing. Often in my life when God has seemed absent it turned out that He was so close I couldn’t see him, because He was carrying me.

      • Sorry to hear this. You know I am a radical Atheist. I did massive research to reach that point. Too many contradictions in the Bible. Check out God is Imaginary.com 50 simple proofs God is Imaginary. Judaism’s greatest Rabbi admits the Creation Story is not true. There never was an Abraham, Issac, or Moses. I was furious when I found that out. Take Care. Peace

  25. God always hears you, he is always watching over you. If you’re frustrated with your current situation he already knows and when you least expect it something amazing is going to happen.

    Today I was super frustrated at work, thinking no one appreciates what each department does, everyone is out for themselves. The stockroom is full of trash because everything “not my department”- then today my manager asked for volunteers to send into the part of California ravaged by fire. Not to help people flee but to keep those Target locations open so the workers can flee or check on their homes. In that moment as person after person volunteered to go into an area where they would be risking their lives- all so someone who they had never met could flee.

    That feeling of peace, hope, love – that is God.

    • That’s so true. thank you for this beautiful encouragement. Peace Hope and Love — yes, that IS God for sure. Yeah, those people need our prayers for sure. Hugs and love xox

  26. Serene light shining in the ground of my being,
    Draw me to yourself.
    Draw me past the snares of the senses,
    Out of the mazes of the mind,
    Free me from symbols, from words
    That I may discover the signified:
    The word unspoken in the darkness
    That veils the ground of my being. -Byzantine Hymn
    Okay I get it! Meditation is the means beyond “the mazes of the mind” and into a deeper wisdom and knowing.

  27. Once again, I love your honesty about being angry at God, and I love how you find your way to remember even in this, God loves you. I also have some chronic medical conditions, and when they flare, they can be painful. For a long time I prayed for healing and wondered why God didn’t heal me. I got angry with God over it many times. The only answer I would hear from God is “I love you.” It took a long time to accept that is enough. The pain passes, but God’s love does not.

  28. My Mom and Dad have both had strokes, and it is very depressing. My Mom’s last one really did the most to debilitate her as she has permanent damage. She cannot really walk normally, and her right arm is just about useless. She has had to learn to walk again, and learn to write with her left hand and she is in her 70’s. She gets very frustrated about it all, but she is mostly doing her best and just acknowledging that everything must be done more slowly and a lot of things she just cannot do anymore. Each of us have many things that we go through in our lives, some of them refine us and help us to cast out the garbage habits we have in ourselves, and draw us closer to God…even though we simply do not ever appreciate any of these events when they are happening…because they are simply not comfortable or good…but God always makes good things come out of what happens to us…even the worst things. I learned a long time ago two things….one is that any control we have over our lives is generally just an illusion that we cultivate within ourselves…we can only control our own behavior in any given situation…the 2nd thing I learned is that Faith is not about how we feel on any given day or at any given moment…it is a decision we make each and every day to believe that God has our best interests at heart…to believe that God is a God of truth and promises and he doesn’t break his promises ever. I was glad to read your post and see that you decided to continue to believe in him also and not to freeze him out. It is impossible to have God’s peace without being in an active relationship with him. Very good post!

  29. Thanks for sharing and for being honest! I recently went through a hard time, also. But someone once told me, “God is putting you through the breaking process because he knows you can handle it (and grow stronger) when others would give up and quit.”

  30. Heard a recent conversation someone had with the Lord, a friend said she was telling God she loved Him, and in her heart she heard Him say, “I know you love me.” He knows we love Him, that just astounds me. He knows we love Him in our moments, the good moments and those real moments.

  31. My love, you are a treasure to God but such a powerful witness that you are a stumbling block to the other guy. God does not bring harm, the enemy does. God allows only what He also gives the strength to deal with and grow from. Sounds like He is allowing a bit more control to burn off, perhaps just reminding you that He’s got this but you are trying to have control a bit maybe. Just an odd thought popped into my head. Maybe nothing. Anyway, you are amazingly designed on purpose with love. And ask Him and He will help along the way and hold you through it. He is really good at comfort if you let Him. Love you, precious princess of God! Hugs!! XO❤

  32. Thanks for being really open and honest about this. We all go through those stages. I’ve had my fair share of “Why” moments with God. But remember that all good things come from God (James 1:17). Anything outside of that is an effect of sin, for sin causes death (Romans 6:23). Thank goodness for Jesus Christ. 😀

    Also, the book of Job is a sobering reminder of our place in the midst of a sovereign God. 🙂

  33. Beat me to what I was going to say to you at the very end of your post. There is always tomorrow, my friend! Pray the Rosary today and ask our blessed mother to bring you closer to her son and let the love pour in. I know this phrase is said about other things, but we must trust the process. God doesn’t make mistakes and He doesn’t put us in situations that are too big for us to handle. 😊

  34. It’s so easy to get caught up in that mindset. It happens to all of us . Some days I just have to force myself to praise the Lord . Even when I don’t want to: it makes all the difference . Hope you feel better !

    • thanks so much Cristal, you’re right – some days we have to choose to lift our eyes upward. But those are the days when it’s most important to do so. thanks for tis awesome perspective. Hugs and love xox

  35. We all have our moments. Thank you for your honesty, Caralyn. God has been my target also when I was angry over what had happened to me. I forgave him and asked him to forgive me. It is so good to get these things off our chests, by being honest. So glad you shared this with the world. I am sure you are doing better. Love and hugs!

  36. Some day you will walk away from the”Nicolaitans” and become one with a fellowship of true believers.
    You struggle with your body. God is the potter; we are the clay. We depend on Him for everything. All of us.
    Our days in this body are numbered. Our spirit and soul are eternal. A new body awaits us.
    Read Watchman Nee and others who had “fellowship with the Lord”. You are in my prayers.
    Continue honoring the Lord in your writings, etc.

  37. Such an inspiring post on letting God do Him and praise Him even when the situation is terrifying. I liked what you said, “… the importance of praise, especially when we’re in seemingly hopeless or upsetting situations.” As human beings, this statement is in direct conflict to what we would rather do; which is scream and be angry at the person who caused the problem.

    However, as Christians, we should know that no matter what we may be going through; God sees the end of the tunnel, but all we see is the darkness that surrounds us.

    I especially liked your quote saying, “… we must never forget to praise Him, because His love never changes, no matter the circumstance.”

    Although I have never experienced what you are going through with your mother, I do understand where you are coming from with being angry at God because we feel that He should or could have stopped the problem from happening in the first place.

    Your blog post reminded me of a song by Casting Crowns called “Praise You In This Storm” where for me; it’s a constant reminder that no matter what storm I may be going through; I can and should praise Him.

    Here is the link to the song in case you ever feel that your storm is becoming more than you can handle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ck2sFfoRMdg .

    I pray that your mother gets better and continues to praise Him even in the midst of her storm and yours.

  38. I relate to this quite a bit. I don’t think I’ve ever felt, upset at God, more like…I’ve become apathetic because He’s not behaving in the way I think makes sense…and like you, I identified that that’s how I treat anyone else who behaves in ways my extremely logical mind can’t compute. I too had to come to the realisation (still coming to it) that I’m just selfish, and I must take my eyes off myself and my expectation and focus on God and His goodness and love…He knows what He wants to establish and build in me, and it is out of love. I must praise Him for that love which I do not deserve. Your post is what I needed to read right now. Thanks for this.

  39. I follow your blog, always hoping for an example to apply to my own life, because your joyful resolution to the challenges you face always show through.

    I struggle being grateful. I understand it’s the “right” thing to do, but I don’t feel grateful…

    • Yeah it definitely is a tough thing to embrace. Sometimes it helps to remember all the things I have in life – everything from shelter to food to friends to a fluffy loofa in the shower. 🙂 thanks for your kind words. Hugs and love xox

  40. God can handle your silent treatment. He went silent between the Old and New Testaments. (a little humor, there. ‘Yeah, very little.’) In all seriousness, we’d be dishonest as believers to say we don’t have those times. The Psalms are full of them, but Job praised in the midst of them: ‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.’ We say, well yeah, but He was Job!’ Why would He do any less for us? I had Grave’s Disease for 7 years; heat sensitivity, and I honestly looked like I had anorexia. I went from 220 to 148. They told me my heart was beating too fast, and it could give out from being worn out. High BP, and a bunch of other stuff. Some of my friends began asking if I was doing drugs. I just kept going, kept playing worship, kept getting prayed over, kept going to service, and about 2 years ago, it just went away. I’m overweight again (222 lbs. Seriously, God? Lol) but I’m healthy in all other aspects. I’ve changed my diet, and I make time to exercise now. It’s helped, but He healed me. Hang in there. ‘These days come,’ as my grandma used to say. Platitude? Maybe. Wisdom. Definitely. Blessings, sister.

    • Thanks so much for this powerful perspective. You’re right He can handle it. And thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that you’re going through that. I will absolutely keep you in my prayers. Your strength and courage is inspiring. Hugs and love xox

      • It actually cured itself, which the doctor who first diagnosed it said it might do. I no longer suffer with it, but it was an awful experience. Keep me in your prayers anyway, though. It’s always needed, and appreciated, and I’ll keep you in mine. We go through, and move forward, Amen?

  41. Rom 8:24  For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? 
    Rom 8:25  But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. 
    Rom 8:26  In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; 
    Rom 8:27  and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 
    Rom 8:28  And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. 
    Rom 8:29  For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; 
    Rom 8:30  and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified. 

  42. I have been through a lot of illness and hardship over the years but this year and last year have been especially hard health wise. Even so God’s promise is that all things will work out for our good. I have hung onto that promise because most often God is showing me something or teaching me something that I can pass on to others.
    Being conformed to Christ’s likeness means learning obedience through suffering. The flip side of this is that I can also count God’s many blessing especially that he chose me and called me to Himself by faith through grace Ephesians 2:8-9 and adopted me as a son and sealed my salvation through Jesus Christ.
    Eph 1:3  Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, 
    Eph 1:4  just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love 
    Eph 1:5  He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, 
    Eph 1:6  to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. 
    Eph 1:7  In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace 
    Eph 1:8  which He lavished on us. In all wisdom and insight 
    Eph 1:9  He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He purposed in Him 
    Eph 1:10  with a view to an administration suitable to the fullness of the times, that is, the summing up of all things in Christ, things in the heavens and things on the earth. In Him 
    Eph 1:11  also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will, 
    Eph 1:12  to the end that we who were the first to hope in Christ would be to the praise of His glory. 
    Eph 1:13  In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation—having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise, 
    Eph 1:14  who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God’s own possession, to the praise of His glory. 

  43. I think every christian goes through this in their life. It’s easy to get upset, the devil wants that because that is an open door for him to get into too make us mad at God and steal our joy. The perfect story is that of Job. God wanted to show the devil of Job’s faithfulness, so he allowed everything to be taken from him; things to happen. Yet Job still praised him. It seems far fetch to us, because like us, Job was human. It shows that even as sinners, IF we give our all too God, the worse things in life could happen to us can bring us closer too God. I’m not sure about you, but anytime something like that happens too me, I always ask of a lesson he is trying to teach. Maybe God is trying to bring you closer too him so you will fully rely on him. Prayers for you and also your family. 💖💖

  44. Oh wow. I’m glad you posted this, because I’m kind of going through the same thing right now–totally pouting because what I wanted to happen didn’t happen when I wanted it to happen . . . I know it’s childish, but the struggle is real!

  45. We can’t presume to know the path God intends for us. Some of us seem to live charmed lives while others are afflicted their entire mortal existence. We can only deal with what we’ve been given. We’ll all have good and bad days. We all at some point want to fall to our knees and cry, “Why, Lord?” However, to think that God should or will act in a certain way is beyond presumptuous – it’s just wrong to question Him. God is always there, even when we discard Him. Believe with all your heart and soul… especially in the depths of despair, and eventually your faith will come flooding back. To go into church, or into a relationship with God EXPECTING something out of it seems to me to be setting yourself up for downfall.

  46. And that’s the cognitive dissonant thought we all use and then endlessly justify; ‘I guess there’s always tomorrow for that.’ Well…actually…as I slide down the slippery greased chute getting closer to the big dirt box..no, tomorrow is not guaranteed. That’s a sobering realization.

  47. This is so me. I have been giving God the silent treatment for the past two years. I do not know why but I do know that I should just suck it up and remember He still cares about me no matter what.

  48. I have just one not so simple question Carolyn; did not your mother’s stroke bring you closer to her and give you compassion for her that you might not have had without it? There are other questions to tie on to this, but I’ll leave it at that. Sometimes we see the bad because it is in our face without the ability to realize the good that is often much more subtle. God Bless. R. I.

      • I also have the feeling that your mother is a strong woman who, prior to the stroke wouldn’t ask for help from anyone (I see this in you too) and felt responsible to be the matriarch. If this is so, then the stroke also taught her to be able to let go and allow others to do for her. It also brought you home, if only temporarily and restored the house as it once was. You are truly blessed to still have your parents and the nest to return to. God is Great! R.I.

  49. It’s okay to let God know how we feel. Praising Him takes our eyes off our frustrations & disappointments. Praise puts our attention on His Goodness. Praise reminds us of how He saved us from ourselves. Praise increases our faith.
    I’m glad you listened to the sermon. God made sure your soul was fed. Thanks for sharing and keeping it real.

  50. I totally get what you mean. I went through a phase where I was really angry with God silently. My mum had a stroke which has really altered our lives. We are still trying to adjust to our ‘new mum’. Yet you recover from that, my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer and leukaemia. He also has issues with his liver and kidney. My parents have served God faithfully for years for over 35 years. On top of that my baby brother was diagnosed of leukaemia as well. My world was shattered. My family lives in Africa and this means we have to pay for healthcare. This has taken all our lifetime savings.

    In April I had a dream about the rapture and this experience really changed my life for ever. God told me I wasn’t raptured because I was mad at him. Since then I have been trying to focus more on counting my blessings instead of my losses. This attitude is truly helping me.

  51. Thank you for such an open, honest post. We have all been there girl. It’s amazing how God takes our pain and allows us to grow from it by seeking a deeper truth that God gets the glory. He only wants the best for us even in the worst circumstances.

    I can’t believe this is the first time I am commenting on your page. We’ve been “liking” each other for a while and you are always in my thoughts and prayers. You are amazing! Hope you don’t mind if I re-blog this 😉

  52. May I suggest that you get a praise journal? Every night add something to it that you can praise God for. It is hard at first coming up with things to write if you have had a hard life, but after a while, it gets easier. It can change your outlook on life.

  53. Well done. Thank you for this excellent reflection. God can use (and maybe even gives) these spiritually arid times to prepare the way for some greater revelation he wants to give. Jesus didn’t just wander into the desert… the Spirit put him there.

  54. Reblogged this on That Letter From Elijah and commented:
    An excellent reflection by a Christian sitting miserably in church. Our arid seasons might be gifts from God rather than personal flaws – after all, Jesus didn’t blunder into the desert. He was taken there by the Holy Spirit.

  55. Hey I really appreciate this blog. I hope you know that nobody gets through life scratch-free. Remember, the Lord claims to make us into springs of Living Water; our Christian experience should be generated by the Holy Spirit from within instead of seeking an external fulfillment. Easier said than done, I know; for me it’s a daily struggle. He can yet make us into salt and light each day for those around us, and sprinkle a little on us when we need it too.

    If you haven’t yet, ready The Problem of Pain by C. S. Lewis. Then maybe follow that up with Steps to Christ by E. G. White. Those are two of some very inspiring books to me that have stuck with the Bible and helped me make sense of life events on large and small scales.
    I appreciate the candid and honest nature of your blog. Blessings to you sister.

  56. Appreciate much your honesty. Such a real person beyond words. Everybody, with no exemption experience moments of unbearable pains and unanswerable questions. Many times I’ve been to that too. I even literally pushed my head against wall and wished not to wake up the next day. Surrendering and clinging to God’s mercy was the only weapon left in me. This is the world. There maybe trials but there’s hope. There maybe pain but there’s always love. You are so gifted and surrounded by love Caralyn. I believe you can make it! For God gives His best battles to His strongest warriors. Sending you and family hugs and prayers..

  57. There have been many times I’ve felt exactly the same way you describe here. I was in God’s house with the wrong attitude. I was there because I felt I had to be, not because I wanted to be. Those were the times our pastor would speak directly to me without even knowing it. I would walk in with envy in my heart, and we would sing “Count Your Blessings.” When I would feel completely alone, I’d hear “Take It to the Lord in Prayer.” There was always something to remind me to be present.

    I don’t know if you even read my comments, but I just thought I’d add my voice as well. While we don’t get do-overs, at least you heard what He was trying to tell you and left knowing He was speaking to you. Having the right mindset going in is important, but so is the mindset we come away with.

  58. I find the spiritual battles we grapple with while we are sitting in church intriguing. I’ve had similar experiences both sitting in the pew and standing on stage helping lead worship or delivering a sermon. I always wonder how these thoughts have the ability to seep in at the oddest times, like when we’re at church and we should be full of the Spirit and focused on worship. I believe your point about responding with praise is spot-on. Praise helps us say “Get away from me Satan!” and concentrate on the One True God. Thanks for this post. Hit the spot.

  59. I want you to ask yourself this question. “Am I angry with God, or “bewildered?” I have never been angry with Him, but I have really been “bewildered” a lot regarding circumstances in my life. Sometimes we get these two confused. When I am in these situations this is the prayer which I always go to. Short but to the point. By David.

    “My soul thirst for Thee like a dry, weary land without water.”

    I say this, because at these moments in my life that is what my soul truly is. “A dry, weary land without water.”

    We have to step back in silence and hear the water flowing in our souls. Do not quit until you hear it. Sometimes it flows quickly, sometimes it is as if it is like a dripping faucet, and there are times where it is just a desert.

    If you will just set some time aside and quiet your soul enough so you can hear it, eventually you will.

    You know Mother Teresa said something to the fact, (not a direct quote) “If my suffering gives you pleasure oh Lord, then I willfully do it.” “If my suffering brings others to you, then I offer it.”

    I always tell God these things also. It helps to get “me out of me, so God can do with me what He will.” (by St. Faustina)

    One other thing I do is ask St. Anthony to pray that, “I will always find God in my wilderness.”

    So hang in there. Life is life, and God is God. I love you very much. God Bless, SR

  60. Gen. 4:7
    We are the conduit through which God sends the medicine of love into the world.

    Many of our physical ailments are signs that we harbor something that rejects that love. It’s not part of us – it’s like the bacteria that lives in our gut.

    Try to think of it as a petulant child that needs to learn the virtue of cooperation.

    If you haven’t read Madeline L’Engel’s A Wind in the Door, it’s a great metaphor.

    It’s harder when the door is inside us, or inside someone that we love – even worse someone that we have depended on all our lives for physical security.

  61. You are not alone with the feeling anger towards God or asking why? I am a Christian and my beliefs stem from learning bible truths- like God is not the one causing our life struggles, Satan, and his demons that have been cast off from heaven roam about on the earth and as brought out in Revelation 12:9 . And because Satan deceived Adam and Eve, we all have inherited sin/suffering- Romans 5:12 NOT because of anything God has done. The account of Job is a great one to meditate on, if you read your bible or have one, you will learn who casted all the suffering upon Jobc (satan) and what God was allowing. God allowed it to prove that humans are capable of serving God by free will, not just because he provides blessings, but because they truly live and believe that he is the almighty god worth serving. “It is unthinkable for the true God to act wickedly, for the Almighty to do wrong!” Job 34:10. http://www.jw.org provides more biblical information if you would like to learn more or have more questions!

  62. He wants my honesty. I’ve been pretending not to be mad for who knows how long. I’ve even become unaware, but it’s there. That doesn’t fly, coz He knows what’s what. So, better these things revealed and we can bring them to Him. Better than pretending and disconnecting from the truth of our inner circumstance. Thank you for this post. I have been having trouble at church too.

  63. This is so beautiful and puts so much perspective into my life! I had given up on God when I was about 12 and I felt lost and confused because I wasn’t sure if I still believed in Him. But I understand now because you put it into words for me. The past 6 years, I’ve been giving God the silent treatment and I think it’s time to change that.

  64. This is a powerful post. I am nobody in the scheme of things, but I believe in God and I believe that God acts for a reason. You were right to be angry, you were right to question your faith, you were right to ask – ‘Why’. But God has a plan for you. Yes, he will test you. without it, you will not achieve your full potential. He will also reward you – But he wants you to figure it out, he wants you to realise the truth. Do you know that you have already done it? This blog touches the lives of thousands of people in such a meaningful and heartfelt way. It, no, you are a beacon.

    We watch your great heights, and like last week with people that didn’t understand your message, we saw lows. It’s human. You influence lives in such a positive and beautiful light. You have been through hell, and yet you have bared your soul to all of us.

    Those weak people that criticise you don’t have the time to share like you do. All they want to do is criticise. Their lives are sad and lonely – you understand that, your life was like that too, but you didn’t become a troll, you became an angel that shared her experiences with all of us.

    You created a website that gave understanding for all of the people who live lives of pain, hurt, anxiety, People like me that, once in a while read your blog and feel safe. Part of something good, wholesome. Free.

    Thank you. I don’t have the words to express how amazing I (and I’m sure the rest of your followers feel) but we all feel like you. The only difference is that you are brave enough to talk about it.

    God Bless You

    • Hey Rich, thanks for this. You’re right – I fully believe He has a plan for me. I just need to be patient and give Him time to work in my life. And wow thank you for such affirming words. I am seriously so touched and am so humbled that you feel those things when you read my blog. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 🙂 you’re a blessing to me. Hugs and love xox

  65. I see you have a lot of comments but I had to add one more. Call yourself and your Mom healed. Speak to the mountains, you have authority over every illness because of your faith in Jesus Christ. I have had to speak to health issues, finacial and family problems; some things happen immediately and others over a period of time but keep speaking in faith; our words have power. Any problem we put the word on must change.

  66. If you have not yet, read the book by Elizabeth Kubler-Ros, On Death and Dying. You will start understanding the process any human goes through in reaching Acceptance over trauma in life. There is the intertwining of fear and anger in the first human response to the unexpected. The trauma does not have to be cancer, which is where Kubler-Ross received her understanding. For me, it seems harder to watch someone else’s physical struggle than experience it myself. And have you had kids yet? When a stroke happens to a parent or grandparent, you are experiencing it yourself.

  67. Hello BBB I don’t know you good enough to give you any advice. But you have been visiting my blog for quite a while what I appreciate very much and what encourages me to say some words to you. I haven’t read the other comments, maybe the other readers wrote something what I want to say to you now. But no matter.

    I suppose you go through something what the mystics call “dark night of the soul” (John of the Cross). God is always the same but we are changing. And our faith is changing with us. That is no reason to be worried. Maybe you are at the moment involved in such a changing process. I experienced something like that by myself. Mostly that changes meant a maturing of my personality and of my faith. After that my faith was stronger and my relationship to God was deeper than before. You mentioned that you feel like spiritual numb. But your feelings in church although they weren’t lovely and peaceful are feelings too. We know that to those to who we are closest we are most angry at and that we nearly seem to hate them because, yes this sounds paradox, we love them most and have been disappointed and feel have being letting down. I’m often angry of the almighty God, who doesn’t seem to hear and to answer my prayers. I can endure that only by looking in the suffering eyes of Jesus on the cross in whom God himself became weak and vulnerable. So what else can we do in such a spiritual “crisis” or changing process? Actually we can’t do anything. But we can let it happen (what you called trust). I can’t judge that but maybe you have to slow down a bit. Working less, doing all the things you like and which do you good. You know by yourself (I guess) how to reduce stress. (You told in your previous post about the commentators who were hostile to you and who insulted you. The sorrows about your mother, your illness, the publishing of your book – that’s a lot which shouldn’t be underestimated.) We are so used that we must be winners and to have happy endings, that we undertake the same efforts in our religious practice. All the best, God bless you, Volker

    • God is always the same but we are changing. Wow what a powerful perspective. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I really appreciate you kind and encouraging words. It really means a lot. Big hugs to you xox

  68. God is perfect. That’s a basic tenant of Christianity. God is just. Also basic. God is all-powerful (the “church” word is “omnipotent”). God is love.

    All these things or “attributes” of God are doctrines of the Christian faith.

    And if all these things are true, and bad stuff happens to us, how do we explain that? How do we deal with that?

    I found out recently that this is exactly why the Book of Job is in our Bibles! As I studied, meditated, and wrote sermons, Bible study lessons, and devotions (which I compiled into the book I Know That My Redeemer Lives – available here: http://a.co/5m7NXcG ) I found that all these things are true of God and still bad stuff happens.

    And I further found out that the bad stuff that happens helps us realize that God loves us and, just as importantly, we are not God!

    Bad stuff doesn’t happen because we are being punished by God. The bad stuff is allowed by God so that we can more deeply believe in God.

    If we believe in – have faith – in God only when things are going well for us and we have good stuff in our lives, what will happen when things go south on us and we lose (or don’t get more) good stuff?

    Why do we believe in God? Because He gives us stuff? Or because He’s God and He loves us and sent Jesus to save us from our sins?

    These are the thoughts your post inspired in me. Keep up the good work, my sister-in-Christ!

    • Amen to that Ed. I really need to read Job and meditate on that story. You’ve shared such a powerful perspective with me and I really appreciate it. Jesus really was sent to save us and i need to remember that. Hugs and love xox

  69. Trials meant to strengthen our faith not make us weak. The strongest trees with the strongest Roots have been through the most fiercest storms. However this trees that have not been exposed to storms are easily susceptible to fall down. Christian’s that are exposed to harsh conditions remain strong in faith. Christian’s that are exposed to harsh conditions who do not have strong roots are susceptible to feeling and bitterness. Let the bitterness be put away from you. Remember Jonah. Perhaps another reason you felt awkward being in church for the first time in many years is because God is revealing something to eat I don’t know for sure but I know that sometimes we as people tend to have all the answers or at least think we have all the answers. You show me a man that has not been through trial and I’ll show you how he has no faith to stand on when the storms of life come. I’ll give you an example. When I was put in prison a few months ago do you think that I enjoyed it? The quick answer is no. However I did enjoy being still. Even though I was under house arrest I was still able to be still and search for answers even in the midst of the biggest storm in my life. I never thought my brother signature would be so powerful to put me in jail. When I was released I became happy I also was very happy in prison towards the end because I realized the good work that was produced. Tribulations won’t always happen and we won’t always be in the valley. But if you’re in the valley all you got to do is start climbing until you see hope in Christ. Think of Christ as your anchor and your steering a ship period when the storms come through your anchor meaning when the storms come run to the word just run to the word when you feel good run to the word when you don’t feel the word should be produced in a person’s life 24 hours a day 7 days a week. So that when a trial comes you know how to face it before it seeks to destroy you. Be ready in season and out of season. May Christs love abound in you. Dont forget to smile for two reasons. If you allow yourself to be you can be more than a conqueror. Plus I think is your best quality.

  70. I haven’t read all the comments above so I might be repeating what’s been said, but I love how God reveals what we need to hear. Sometimes it’s in church, in our car, or whennon our knees in prayer. I’m so thankful that he doesn’t give up on us when we give him the cold shoulder.

  71. My Mom also had a stroke about a year ago, and it took a long time for me to realize that being positive throughout her recovery (which is still ongoing) made a world of difference to her, myself, and everyone in our family. I had countless conversations with my Dad in the beginning where I had to stop him from going down a road of pointless and aimless anger. I hope you continue to find the positive until things get better.

  72. So timely that you write about being angry with God when you can’t see any good in a situation. Your words about trusting His purpose resonated with me!
    Thank you for visiting “Joywriting.” The upcoming posts (2 parts) I mentioned today, about my five years as a fake, address a different aspect of your same idea. They will go live this coming Monday and Wednesday.

  73. I am praying for you, your mom and your family. I understand how you feel. Trust me, I am going through my share of difficulties in my life. It gets hard. But never give up! Praise your way through! Listening to praise and worship music gives me joy to keep going!

  74. Something I’ve heard in the past few years, “When you don’t want to go to church, that’s when you really need to be there. (&) When you don’t feel like praying (talking to God) that’s when you really need to talk to Him.”

    I do believe in spiritual warfare, though I’m cautious with how I view it, and approach it. (we don’t need to use this as an excuse or crutch for our thoughts and behavior, I’ve considered writing about this.) I believe when we are going through something that affects us, we become vulnerable in spirt, in emotions, and perhaps in mental thinking as well.

    When we allow these feelings and sometimes pain to rule, flow through us, we become targets. Our defenses may feel up but we don’t know how truly shattered we are inside, or as you mentioned, willing to admit it.

    There’s so much potential to give to God in these moments, as Paul said, “to boast IN weakness so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” But it’s hard. In as much we don’t want to feel pain, deal with the current circumstances, or what is dealt to us, it seems these things only cause more wear and tear when we ignore, or when we become heated, as you kindly admitted to (and you’re not alone sister, thanks for being honest)

    I don’t know why Christ tolerates certain things to happen, but He still has a plan. That we can rest assured of, and His plan is Great, and it is beyond anything we ever imagined. The impact is probably beyond our scope of imagination or what this world alone can handle/fathom. For that…there is glory, there is praise. For that we can find hope in our webbed, tangled darkness. <3 peace be to you Caralyn, thank you for being honest!!

  75. Hi ya, I know how you feel on this as I’ve done the same. I’ve come to realise over the years that shit happens we don’t like. It’s not a case of trusting God it’s accepting life and who you are as a person is how you deal with it. Getting angry and cynical isn’t bad in my view as so often it’s served me well.
    I also think you’re more angry at church and the people who should support you aren’t. Unfortunately I’ve found it so common in churches to talk about support and care and that’s it. Church for me was often a place that made me angry because of its insensitivity. Just my view.
    Keep smiling love and hugs xox

    • I am sorry for how the church has made you feel, Simon. In many ways, I feel the same; my pastor just wrote a book called “Known: Finding Deep Friendships in a Shallow World,” all about trying to be truly Known and Loved by others in the world that we live in. You’re right, we talk a lot about community, care, and support– but rarely are we blessed enough to find a group of people who love God, and therefore will love us, right where we are. I know it can be easy, but I pray your belief and Hope in God is not hampered by the mistakes of men. God promised He would never leave or forsake us, and unlike flawed human beings, He keeps every promise.
      I also pray you’re able to find people who truly do want to love and support others, because they have been so supported and loved by God. Thank you for your opening up a bit in your comment. Have a great day.

  76. Leading off here with the biggest of hugs!! Putting negative things behind us is never easy. It also doesn’t just “fade steadily” and never come back to rack our minds, hearts and so on. You are none the less among us all to have had moments like that, but rising up above it, as you did, is the key. Rising up, by realizing through the priest’s testimonial sermon, that you are not alone with hard things is something that many people refuse to do. They refuse to acknowledge that that their negatives are among others and think that they themselves have the most negative things in the world, and that no one else is worse off than them ever. You recognized the path and instead of dogging down in it, have let your place on it be a rising direction. Your light shines so bright in all that you think, do, say to others, and share here!! You touch me every time with a beautiful message and I am honored by it! Hugs, love, and God’s Blessings every day!! (ps. new poem posted too) xoxoxo

  77. Beautiful post as always. I can relate. I have experienced a lack of faith for a long time but I remember that there is something there, there has to be, regardless of how many times I have gotten beaten down. I tend to find God outside of church. In nature mostly

  78. Thanks for sharing Caralyn. I had a similar attitude yesterday during service. It was so hard to get my mind of it. My friend has stage 4 cancer. Brother is not allowed to see his daughter and…anyway. Thank you. I will be catching up on previous posts now. Been on the road again. Hope you are doing okay. And Caralyn, you’ll kick that Ulcerative Colitis in the tu-tu just like you kicked anorexia in the butt. I think these sicknesses seem to forget they are messing with the wrong woman, Codename – Yellow.

    • Hey Ish, thank you so much for sharing that. Gosh I am so sorry to hear that about your friend. I will definitely keep them in my prayers. Thanks for the encouragement and support. Very grateful for you 🙂 Hugs and love xox

  79. Beautifully Honest and so wonderfully transparent! The more I read, the more I learn about being free to be me! Thank you for sharing your triumphs and fall downs with us!

  80. Very inspiring words of encouragement. Thanks for sharing this. It definitely has taken me some time to accept that trials helped me to navigate through life and taght me valuable lessons. Well said! Love the pic of “not changing the wind but adjusting the sails.”

  81. Oh Car, you are such a beautiful beloved. I love your spirit and your candor. You really do glorify the Lord through your writings. Never, ever stop!!! And I’m sorry you’re suffering; me, too. There seems to be a lot of that going around, but I’m going to take my mind off of myself and remember to praise Him through our storms. Hugs!

  82. Gee whizz, the amount of comments now compared to 2015 is like night and day.
    Also, I must apologize. I cheated on you…r story. I read ahead to this post because I saw you had a new post.
    I hope you can forgive me.
    It can be hard to trust God when difficult things are happening in your life.
    I remember I was in (undisclosed nation due to security reasons, feel free to ask me personally) for about three months. During that time, I was physically sick, I didn’t enjoy any of the missionary type activities we were doing, and I just could not bring myself to be a good missionary. Then, ten missionaries were struck down just several hours north of where we were. They were on their way after providing eye healthcare. We had even met them before they left (I did not, as I was sick). And caught up in all, the dangers of the Gospel and the reality of closed nations, my group was given two opportunities: play worship at one of the funeral services and provide child care for the families going.
    Safe to say, it was amazing to see everyone come together in such an intense and difficult time to praise the Lord.
    Anyways, I’ll go back to where I was in your story.

    • haha yeah its pretty wild! and wow what an incredible experience. how terrifying about the other missionaries. yeah sometimes when its the most difficult to praise, it’s the most powerful and moving and necessary time. thanks for this powerful response! big hugs xox

  83. I thought this was beautifully written. We all go through times when we are upset with God and don’t want to talk to him but it always amazes me that in those moments, he always finds a way to reach me. Love always finds a way to bring us back!