Fog Horn God

God is not subtle sometimes. In fact, sometimes, it’s as though He speaks to us through a fog horn. Or a crashing cymbal.

((And yes, that is yours truly in that photo!!)) hahah

I had one of those full circle, fog horn moments this weekend that really showed the faithfulness of God, in a not-so-subtle way!

So as you read last week, it was my birthday 🙂 And thank you, by the way, for the wonderful messages, I was so touched.

But my mom flew in and surprised me. We went shopping, and out to dinner with a couple of my friends.

But here’s the thing I didn’t mention…I threw a birthday party.

Yes. I threw myself a birthday party.

Which, may seem a) a little self-aggrandized and b) trivial….BUT…I have not thrown myself a birthday party since my anorexia and recovery.

Last year, my dear, wonderful friends threw me a lovely surprise party, but other than that, I have always wanted my birthday to fly under the radar without anyone noticing.

Why?

Because I didn’t feel I deserved a birthday party. I didn’t feel worth the hoopla and fanfare. Frankly, I was denying myself the love that other people wanted to show me on my special day.

And this is coming from the girl who LOVED birthday parties.

I mean, I had some EPIC parties growing up. Always themed. Always fun. I mean, my sweet sixteen party — the last ever party before the anorexia developed — was a pool party where everyone had to dress up in their most crazy, ridiculously goofy outfit ever. I went to the thrift store and literally bought a lime green onesie to match my lime green Volkwagen beetle.

So the fact that since then, I have been withholding that joy and that love from my life — it was just another leftover remnant of that ED mindset that can linger even when you’re in your 12th year of recovery.

But not this year. My best friend held my hand as I sent out the party invites.

And you know what? It was an incredible time.

I was surrounded by so much love and friendship that night. I fell asleep that night — albeit a tiny bit tipsy — just thanking God for the relationships that He has put in my life, and for renewing my heart and my spirit, after nearly succumbing to anorexia those many years ago.

But here’s where God really stepped in with the fog horn:

The next morning, I woke up and went to Mass — afterall it was Sunday. And the second reading brought me to my knees. It was from Hebrews 11:1 – “Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” (And if you’ve read my book, Bloom, then you already know the significance of this verse.)

But this exact verse, played such a huge role in my recovery from anorexia.

You see, during that time when I was actively in my disease, I was going to this kind naturopath for my Ulcerative Colitis — because my Ulcerative Colitis flare and my development of the anorexia happened simultaneous. My naturopath was a man of incredibly strong faith; and he gave me that verse – Hebrews 11:1 – to pray as I went off to inpatient.

“Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.“

Confidence and assurance in the unknown through faith in Christ Jesus.

The years in my anorexia were some of the loneliest and desolate seasons of my life. I spent that time pushing absolutely everyone away. I wanted to just be alone with my disease, so as not to have to be accountable to anyone. So I isolated myself. I didn’t return a phone call or a text message for 2 years. My friends would reach out and try to get through to me, but after years of being ignored and turned away, many of them just stopped trying.

Not all — I still have a core of truly remarkable friends in my life that are literal angels on earth who remained by my side, even through that dark time.

But to say that I destroyed relationships would be the understatement of the year.

And that was hard. SO hard. And I just remember feeling so alone on my cot at inpatient, and just hanging onto those words from Hebrews 11:1 — confidence in what I hoped for: that one day, I would return to myself – that I would become the goofy, social butterfly again – and have friends, and passions, and a full, meaningful life. There I was, surrounded by heart monitors and nurses and people trying to keep this 78 pound girl alive, and all my heart was yearning for was for the strength to open my heart to love and friendship.

And so, to hear those words echoed back to me at Mass that morning, after such an outpouring of love the night before by friends who truly love and care for me — it was the culmination of beautiful lesson in His faithfulness.

We have a God who keeps His promises. We can take that all the way to the bank.

Though I may never know exactly why I had to endure such drastic detours in my life, I do sometimes get glimpses of God’s orchestration in all of it. And yesterday was one of those times.

“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5

TAKE ME TO THE B³ STORE!
Yay for cute hats!


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147 responses to “Fog Horn God”

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  8. Belated Happy Birthday-you deserve it, every year. Your greatest gift to yourself was opening back up to those who love you. I’ve been there, self-isolating, for a different reason, so I know just how liberating it feels to open oneself to the world. Keep on shining, in His Light!

    Reply

    • Aww thank you so much. What a kind thing to say 🙂 you’re so right about that! Hugs and love xox

      Reply

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    Reply

  11. ♡ Oh, by the way (BTW), Happy Birthday SupaSoulSis; glad you were spoilt rotten by yourself 😆😅😄😃😂😁😀😉😊

    …♡♡♡…

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  12. And that is the most difficult task we are given! To be assured about what we don’t see needs one to be of really strong believe! Because that’s exactly what we are fighting for, the things we don’t see! 😔
    Thank you for sharing, that served as a reminder once again 🙈
    Lots of love sister 💖

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  13. Love this! We’ve been offline for a while. Sorry to have missed your birthday – happy and blessed belated! Keep up the awesome and inspiring work on yourself! God bless you!
    -Mike

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    • Thank you so much Mike! No worries!! Glad you enjoyed some time off! Hugs and love xox

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    • Thank you so much Matthew! I am too — sometimes I need to be knocked upside the head with it! hugs xox

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  17. This brought tears to me eyes fro a few reasons. I’m so proud of you and thankful that you pushed through all the mess and came out in this side!

    I LOVE throwing parties. Absolutely love it. But I haven’t thrown a party for my birthday since I was divorced. It just seems like it would be so obvious I was alone that I didn’t want to have all these couples around me while I was by myself. Over the years, a decade now, I’ve come to accept it and also have made friends with some other divorced and single people, but I still haven’t had the courage to throw a party. Maybe in a few years. Right now I throw the energy into making them fun for my little one and friends.

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    • Hi Shell! Awww, thank you so much, you’re such a great friend. You’re so right – this was such a beautiful weekend, and I am feeling so blessed. Oh gosh, I definitely hear you. Well, I would like to encourage you, because you are SO worth a party! And it sounds like there are a lot of people you’ve blessed who would love to return their love to you!! 🙂 sending big big hugs xox

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  19. Beautiful post, my dear. God love you for your faithfulness, courage and tenacity. I’ve got a birthday coming up soon and I’ve had a difficult time celebrating it since my life changed 3 years ago, but I’m inspired by your post. Maybe this year will be different… 😍 love you. Keep up the good work… you’re touching lives and making a difference. Keep being you.

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    • Mary!! Hi!! Thank you for sharing your heart. You’ve definitely been on quite a journey these past three years. You inspire me. I hope this birthday is different, because you deserve that joy and that love. You show it to everyone in your life 🙂 I know there are a lot of people who’d love to return that to you!! 💛 I’m so touched by your kind words, and thank you for stopping by to read!! Happy early birthday!! Love you 🥰

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  20. It is great to throw yourself a birthday party because you should celebrate every year of your life. Fog horn not necessary unless it is something important… like a message from God… or your birthday. I celebrate by taking a day road trip.

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  21. No fog horn for Pat and I. When Patricia Bow and I first met neither of us were familiar with the term “soulmates”. but there was an instant connection. In Pat’s words there was “… an elusive fondness … that couldn’t be classified … too strong for friendship and not strong enough for love.” There was an intense energy between the two of us, and a strong pull to each other. It was as if we had found ourselves in each other. and were ready to become One with each other. The more we thought about it the more we realized we were in Love. Fifty years of growing together continues for Love is stronger than death.

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    • Oh I love that. Thank you for sharing your story. I always love hearing about the beautiful love between the two of you. It is inspiring and touches my heart. Hugs and love xox

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    • Thank you Lisa! That’s kind of you to say. Yes – so much to celebrate and be grateful for! Big big hugs to you xox

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  23. I hope the love you felt at your party extends to this blog. You are so dear! Your mission for God is vibrant. Times on this earth are difficult, but I have no doubt you will enter the kingdom of heaven one day to the sweet greeting of “well done, good and faithful servant.” 😘

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    • Aw thank you Hannah 🙂 what a kind thing to say. Gosh! I am seriously so touched by that! God is good 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  24. Caralyn, the fact that you can truly celebrate yourself, by throwing birthday party, shows you have really recovered. Having fun with those who care for you is great. Celebrating you! Wonderful and fun!

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  25. Beautiful! Many times in my life, I have thrown myself a birthday party. I always look at is as a way to get my friends together. This year was one of the best ever. I had a bluegrass band. One friend came whom I had not seen in 47 years. I salute you for having the courage to be kind to yourself and to love yourself. You deserve it!

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    • Thank you so much Sandman! Oh my gosh that is so fun!! You’re right – throwing a party is a gift to the invitees as a great “excuse” to get together! Hugs and love xox

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    • Hi Deb! You’re so right – He will use whatever means neccessary to get through to His children! big hugs xox

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  28. I’ve seen quite a few people that recovered from anorexia and I must say If I haven’t read about your story I would never know. You are stunning. And wow you were down to 78 pounds. God is good indeed. I too am a hug fan of celebrating birthdays and I’m happy you threw yourself a party! That makes me happy my friend. I love how open and honest you are about your past struggles. You help more people than you know. Thanks for sharing 🦋❤🌻

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  29. I was five years old when Chuck E. Cheese’s opened where I lived. I had my sixth and seventh birthday parties there… and then I just decided I didn’t want birthday parties anymore. I’m not sure why, but the idea of not feeling like I deserved them might have been part of it. I also just didn’t really have a lot of friends, and most of the kids I knew were mean to me, so maybe I figured there wasn’t a point to having a birthday party. It wasn’t until my mid-20s when I started actually doing things for my birthday. For the last decade or so, I’ve always invited a bunch of people over to hang out, play games, watch movies, whatever people feel like doing. This year’s party (on this coming Saturday) is going to be a small crowd, with my friend circle shrinking and a lot of people backing out at the last minute, but given the year I’ve had, maybe a small crowd is what I need.

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    • Oh Chuck E Cheese – what a blast from the past. THanks for sharing your heart. Oh so exciting! I hope that Saturday is a blast 🙂 You deserve it!!! Small or large, those people love you and want to celebrate you 🙂 all blessings! big hugs xox

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      • Thank you 🙂 I’m thinking the small crowd this week might be an excuse to have another party soon at a time that works better for everyone, but it’ll probably have to wait about a month until I recover from all this running around.

      • yes! you’re right – summer is a tough time scheduling wise because everyone is traveling. So yeah! Perhaps an early fall party would be another fun event!! i say go for it! 😉 xox

  32. Your posts are always so poignant and relevant to my life. I decided to throw myself a birthday part months ago. I didn’t do anything super special for my 30th last year. And you know what happened? 31 was the best birthday ever! I had so much fun with Al and my family, and I felt so much love! This week, as I enter a difficult/challenging time with my job, I’m taking this verse to heart. God leads me to you and your blog at the most opportune moments. You, my friend, are an encourager and a leader. Bless you!

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    • Oh gosh, thank you Laura Beth 🙂 Oh my gosh I’m so glad that 31 was the best ever!!!! That brings my heart so much joy to hear! I hope this week goes well — I will be praying for you 🙂 sending so much love!! xox

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  33. Awesome post as always.

    I’m glad you had a great party. I would be honored to be a part of the amazing occasion.

    God ways are always mysterious. The great thing is that as a loving father, he’s always on our side.

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    • Thank you so much!! You’re so right – His ways are ALWAYS mysterious and ALWAYS on purpose and ALWAYS for good! hugs ox

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  34. This is like a lesson I learned many years ago – sometimes the best we can give to our friends is to allow them to do nice things for us. I was the guy who did stuff for others, not had stuff done for him. Self-sufficiency was a point of pride. Then I realized that I was hurting my friends by not giving them that gift of allowing them to give me gifts and take care of me.

    Hebrews 11:1 is special to me, because it’s the basis for my first novel. The translation I like is “Now, faith is the substance of things hoped for; the essence of things not seen.” Substance! Nothing ethereal or wispy, but solid and real. Essence! The heart of the matter, the pure core of something. So my novel was about faith, titled The Substance Hoped For.

    I am SO glad you threw yourself that party! After my master’s acting recital I didn’t have a party, which was traditional at the school. Several factors went into it, but ultimately I just didn’t feel like I was part of it all anyway. I regret that. Should’ve done it. People wanted to congratulate me and have fun with me, and I let them all done.

    So well done, you!

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    • That is SUCH TRUTH, Jeff! You’re right – by giving a party, you’re giving an opportunity to get together, and also an opportunity for them to express their love! Because you’re right – people like to reciprocate! Oh Hebrews 11:1 is so powerful! Solid and real substance for sure!! Thanks so much Jeff for your kind words of encouragement. Maybe you can do an anniversary party of your acting recital?!?!?! Bring out the memory box!?! Hope you and Julie are having a great week! hugs x

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  35. Great post! Taking care of yourself is really the best way for you to show up for others. I think that this is often overlooked in our society. We are taught to put so much into service to others that self care is often not emphasized… and often portrayed as being selfish. The only way you can be of service to others is for you to take care of yourself first. Good for you for realizing this!

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    • Thank you so much Jason! You’re so right about that — self care is so important! big hugs xo

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    • Thank you so much Elizabeth!! You’re kind to say that 🙂 Glad you enjoy them! have a great night! hugs xox

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  39. I also had stopped celebrating my birthday… Now that I’m in the process of building a new and most fantastic life, this November, I’m celebrating my birthday… You should too! 😎

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  40. Thank you for some nice thoughts and biblical references. And Happy Birthday a little bit late.

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  41. I really enjoyed this article. It is amazing when god uses way’s to speak to all of us. But when the words finally reach your ears, it never fails to impact us. You have a remarkable story in your life. Never forget where you came from, because it will be used to glorify and exalt his name. Thank you for sharing this article.

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    • Thanks so much! I’m so glad this resonated with you 🙂 you’re so right about that – He uses anything and everything to reach us! Hugs and love xox

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  43. God does Speak!! He highlighted Psalm 84:11 to clearly direct me towards initiating to my now wife, He used 1 Thes. 4 to lead me back to the midwest, 1 Thes. 3 to befriend and help lead a precious brother and believer in Vietnam…And He will speak to you! All we have is to read and listen to His gracious words☺.

    Psalm 62:11
    God hath spoken once; twice have I heard this; that power belongeth unto God.

    He repeats himself so we may hear. What a gracious God!

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  44. What a tremendous testament to God’s overwhelming grace and the assurance we have that His promises will come through! I’m so glad and thankful that you were finally able to let yourself celebrate a birthday again, here’s to many more! I firmly believe God had something to do with that as well 🙂

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    • Thanks friend! I think you’re so right – He works in mysterious ways! And I have no doubt in His orchestration! Hugs and love xox

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  45. What a joy to know you are finally able to accept your beauty, see your worth, and celebrate your birthday in a way that includes family and friends. Yay! I love the photo of you and your mom. You certainly inherited her beauty! Hooray for you!!

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  46. I was at a spiritual meeting last night and the speaker quoted the same piece of scripture. And this morning I found it again on your post. Thank you. I guess God has his foghorn out again 🙂

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  47. I am so glad I have a box of Kleenex nearby because I am crying. What a beautiful, stunning and victorious picture of you. Your picture shows how God has been faithful and has brought you to the other side of many things.I am thankful for your transparent testimony. You have a glow that cannot described. I am thankful for the friends that God has placed in your life. I believe that God allows us to see who our true and devoted friends are who will walk with us in the valley, mountaintop and in between moments of our lives. All of us have fallen short but since Jesus died for our sins, we do not walk in condemnation. I have been guilty of refusing to celebrate myself. I now celebrate myself more often especially during our birthday month. I am so glad you threw yourself a party and please celebrate the rest of this month and beyond. You are a gem in the Kingdom of God.

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    • awwww Ada you’re so sweet. Thank you my dear friend. I’m so glad this resonated with you 🙂 you’re so right – His faithfulness brings me to my knees in gratitude 🙂 I think m you’re so so right. Thank you for such kind and loving words. Grateful for you!! Big big hugs xox

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  48. I really enjoyed this post. I am so glad that you enjoyed your birthday party. Yes, our God is so very faithful. I would like to share my testimony with you. Do you have an email address I can send you an article I wrote? Have a great day. 🙂

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  49. I really enjoyed reading this. As someone who is going through his own struggles, it was truly a blessing to read about yours and how you overcame them. Thanks for sharing!

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    • Thanks Tony! I’m so glad this resonated with you. Hang in there my friend. Hugs and love xox

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    • You’re so right about that! He’s always pursuing our hearts – how beautiful is that 🙂 big hugs xox

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    • Thanks Deb, you’re kind to say that:) glad you stopped by! Have a great day! Hugs and love xox

      Reply

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