For a video version of this post, please click here!
Ohhh friends, I’m writing this with a huge pit in my stomach. Oof.
I learned a really hard lesson this weekend.
One that, well…left a bit of a wake of turmoil — that sadly, involved more than just me.
If I have one tragic flaw in this life — and let’s be real, I have many — but my greatest, and most fog-horn-in-the-night, blatantly obvious weak spot is that I am a people pleaser to my absolute core.
A bend over backwards, don’t rock the boat, please – allow me to give you my other cheek to slap — people pleasing addiction.
It played a huge role in my development of anorexia: as I believed my worth was performance based. (I can thank my child actor roots for that).
But one of the ways it has continued to manifest is that I absolutely hate disappointing people.
I despise it. I will do anything and everything to avoid letting people down. Including, to my detriment, avoiding conflict at any and all cost.
And well…that finally caught up to me this weekend.
Uuugh.
I mean, I’ve shared about this before. I had two bouquets of roses rotting in my apartment for weeks, because I didn’t face the music right away.
And fast forward the clock another month, and I find myself in another situation where my people pleasing tendencies have actually resulted in someone else being pretty hurt by my lack of honesty.
Long story short, I ran into an old “flame” and because of my lack of backbone and unwillingness to upset anyone, I agreed to go on a date this week, even though I did not want to.
Anyway – yesterday, when he followed up about the date, I had to tell this terrific, upstanding, gentleman that I just wanted to be friends. And not only that — but that I have feelings for someone else. Ouch.
Ughhhh. My stomach is dropping just thinking about it.
I was then consequently “unfollowed” on social media, and not given a response.
And yeah, I deserved that.
But I was talking with my parents about it, and — of course — they were dropping all the wisdom on me.
Truth hurts but it is better sooner rather than later.
My dad is absolutely right. By avoiding dealing with this situation, I ended up making matters worse, and actually making it harder in the end.
Even though for me, during those weeks the situation was out-of-sight-out-of-mind, for the other party involved, there were emotions being invested, hopes being drummed up — and that was not fair to him.
I was a coward. Because I didn’t want to disappoint him.
Unfortunately, I can’t say this is the first – or second, or fifth – time this has happened.
You’d think I’d have learned by now. And every time, I sit with this gut-punch, I’m-a-horrible-person feeling in my stomach, and vow never to do it again.
But then, the moment arises when I should really speak with honesty, and deliver some tough news, and I revert back to the same terrible habits, and actually hurt the other person in the process.
Honesty is the only thing that’s right.
Ding. Ding. Ding. My mother, as per use, is right on the money. We are called to “speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ.” Eph 4:15.
A task that is easier said than done.
“Honesty is always the best policy.” My parents drilled that into my head since I was a child. Honesty, when spoken gently, is kind. It is empowering. It is freeing. And it follows Christ’s example.
I wasn’t always this cowardly…
I remember one time in high school, this sweet guy had a crush on me, and I wasn’t interested. And it was after one of my soccer games — which he had come to see — and he was waiting for me after the game and tried to give me a big hug, and I literally stopped him, stuck out my hand and said, “I’m flattered, but a handshake will do.”
Talk about SAVAGE!
But actually, it wasn’t. In that moment, sure it was a little awkward, but he got the message loud and clear, and was able to move forward and invest his emotional energy elsewhere.
But more than that, I stood up for my feelings and advocated for myself.
I’m not a little girl anymore. I can’t write off these communication errors as “cute” or “excusable” any longer.
I am a strong woman. I am capable of honest, intentional dialogue, that yeah — may disappoint people. But in the end, it is better to be honest now, than to have to deal with a complicated and completely-avoidable emotional mess later.
So, to the man I hurt, I want to apologize. Again.
I need to start practicing honest communication. Because I can’t please everyone. And trying to do so, only ends up hurting everyone involved — ironic, isn’t it?
“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5
A big thank you to my foundational sponsor, BetterHelp Online Therapy. I cannot begin to express how beneficial therapy was for my recovery from anorexia. Speak with an online therapist. Or check out content about eating disorders from BetterHelp.
***THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS ORDERED MY BOOKS, BLOOM: A JOURNAL BY BEAUTYBEYONDBONES AND “MY BLOGGING TIPS“***
Sign up below for my free newsletter!
Get my daily videos, recipes and posts delivered straight to your inbox!
[mc4wp_form id=”30616″]
Here was yesterday’s video! https://youtu.be/8pmp4ZI968A
MAGIC TOOTHPASTE? Yes! I am in love with this superior whitening toothpaste. It keeps my smile sparkling, without sensitivity or bleach! I made a website where you can directly order this miracle product! So if you want to give it a try, you can go ahead and grab a tube for yourself. I promise, your smile will thank you!
I had so much fun going through the FabFitFun winter box — it’s filled with awesome products — from beauty, to fitness, fashion, skincare, home — all full size, valued at over $250, but sold for only $39.99 when you use my code “SANTABABY!”
Be sure to check out my affiliate, Audible. Listening to audiobooks while I cook is literally my new favorite thing. And just for you, they’re offering a Free 30-Day Trial Membership. And with this free membership, you’re going to get 2 free audiobooks! Literally. Free. It is the best deal ever. And if for some reason, you decide it’s not for you, you can cancel within those 30 days and it’s zero money out of your pocket, plus, you get to keep the 2 audiobooks. Soooo…it’s pretty much a no brainer. Plus, it’s a free and easy way to support this blog! So thank you!!
Huge shoutout to my favorite: Ethos Spa Skin and Laser Center in Summit, New Jersey! Located just outside of NYC, this gorgeous medical spa keeps my skin healthy and bright! Stop in and treat yo’self! 🙂
STAY CONNECTED!
@beauty.beyond.bones – Instagram
For Podcast versions of my posts, please check out Patreon! It’s only $2 a month!! You make this blog possible 🙂
And really quickly, I’ve had several questions concerning my Amazon link (amazon.com/shop/beautybeyondbones) — You do not need to buy one of my specific highlighted products on my page, in order for it to “credit” my account. Any purchases that you search or make from anywhere on Amazon, after first visiting my Amazon page, will credit this blog and help support this blog ministry. I am truly so grateful and appreciative to those of you wanting to do so! So thank you! Again, it is an absolutely free, and easy way for you to help keep this blog going!
223 responses to “The Plight of a People Pleaser”
Hang in there! It can be tough considering what this Friday is. (sigh) As you reminded us all, God loves us unconditionally and is pleased with us. He is the one person we don’t have to impress because in Christ He has accepted us.
XOXOXO.
aw thank you friend – you’re right! He really does love us so much! big hugs to you xox
And you’re right… people pleasing is a very dangerous trap. I mean, we do want people to like us but when that desire to be liked/loved overrides common sense and good judgment, that’s when we have to fall back on God’s unconditional love for us. XOXO
Yes! His unconditional love!!
Amen to that.
💛👏🏼💛🙌🏼
Oh my. You’re being way too hard on yourself! No one is able to handle this situation with aplomb. There’s no right way to avoid the pain. It’s just a bad situation any which way you look at it. I don’t think it’s because you’re a people-pleaser; it seems more like you just don’t want to break anyone’s heart; and none of us wants to break anyone’s heart. I admire how you told him the truth! That’s really freakin’ hard.
Thanks Meg for this encouragement. Yeah I just hate letting people down! you’re right about that — it was hard, but the right thing to do. big hugs to you xo
I worked for a lieutenant colonel who had many sayings, one of which was, “Bad news does not improve with age.” 😉
Hi Mark, thank you so much for sharing that quote – very telling! glad you stopped by! hugs xox
Hey Care! I totally get what you mean. I think you’d get a lot out of the book, “Courage: Fighting Fear with Fear.” It’s about how, if you fear the Lord, you need not fear anything or anyone else. My friend swears by it. It’s here: https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Fighting-Fear-Wayne-Mack/dp/1596389265
Hope it blesses you if you get it. 🙂 Much Love, sis!
-Annalee
Hi Annalee! Thanks for the book recco! I’ll have to check it out — it sounds really intriguing 🙂 hoep you have a great night! hugs xox
Oh, how well I understand! It’s gut-wrenching to me to disappoint. In time, with help from the Father, it does get better. Hugs. On the plus side, you have a VERY caring heart, a rare and beautiful thing in these cold times!
Hi friend! oh my gosh, you are too kind, thank you so much. You’re right about that – with the Father, anything is possible! big hugs xox
This resonated with me, not just because of the timeless wisdom, but because (historically) i have had the opposite problem. I’ve cut people off and hardened my heart to stone in order to persevere in the easiest course of action. I am similarly conflict averse, but I’ll deal with it by leaning into it and pretending I don’t care about the chaos. It’s cowardice of a different sort: avoiding problems by hardening my heart.
And I think that’s the core of it: Not wanting to appear hard hearted, or not wanting to appear weak.
I am doing Exodus 90, and in doing so reading through Exodus. One of the big themes is that the Israelites were slaves to the Pharaoh because they didn’t want to give him the bad news that–it’s over, they belong to God. The Pharaoh was a tyrant because he hardened his heart to God, and didn’t want to appear weak or vulnerable. It wasn’t until both forms were broken that the Israelites experienced freedom. Freedom that comes from Trusting wholly in God and in not trying to control his plan for us.
These are life lessons we all need to learn at some point. Kudos to you for being forthright about it, and for sharing your positive example with the world.
AMDG
-Scoot
Hi Scoot! I’m so glad this resonated with you 🙂 Wow, you really hit on a lot of powerful points here. Thank you for sharing that. And wow! Exodus 90! i will keep you in my prayers as you journey through that! amen to that, thanks for stopping by! hugs xo
Own the mistake, learn from it, and move on. If you wind up in the same situation again, remember that early honesty allows him to get on with his life instead of waiting for a result that isn’t gonna happen. Never easy to do, but yeah, the best for all concerned. Hugs and love from rainy Kentucky– Mike
That is really great advice – thank you Mike. Early honesty. Amen! Hugs and love xox
Wonderful post!
“I am a strong woman. I am capable of honest, intentional dialogue, that yeah — may disappoint people.”
I am going to have my teenage daughter read this. Thank you!
Thank you so much Tanya!! Oh I hope your daughter enjoys it. Sending big hugs to you xox
Many hugs your way! ❤️
💛✨💛✨💛
I am a huge people-pleaser too. That and ministry don’t blend well together. The lack of boundaries almost sent me over the edge. Thanks, as always, for your honesty! You are real, and it’s no wonder people flock to that.
you’re right about that – they don’t blend! thanks for sharing that, Matthew. and wow what a kind thing to say!! Glad you stopped by! big hugs xo
So something left to work on. You are still a redeemed child of God and your honesty shows your ongoing need for him. As it says in 1 John 3:18 let us love not with words but actions. My own translation. Still know you are a wonderful witness.
Thanks so much John – yeah something to work on indeed. 🙂 amen! thanks so much for the kind words! big hugs xox
What I learned as a people pleaser… they were never pleased reguardless of what I did for them.
oh wow — that is powerful!! thanks for sharing that, JB! big hugs xox
You are very graciously welcome. Bigger hugs to you.
✨💛🥰💛✨🙃✨💛🥰💛✨🙃
✨💛🥰💛✨🙃✨💛🥰💛✨🙃✨💛🥰💛✨🙃✨💛🥰💛✨🙃✨💛🥰💛✨🙃✨💛🥰💛✨🙃✨💛🥰💛✨🙃✨💛🥰💛✨🙃
Lollll love it!
I love it too.
🥰
🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
You did the right thing. Oh, I feel your pain sadly. I am a people pleaser and it’s not easy. At any age. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Hugs to you. ❤️
Thanks friend 🙂 you’re so right about that – got to stop that bad habit! i appreciate you stopping by! big hugs xox
You’re such a good person. That is not a bad trait. But it does get exhausting. Hugs
Oh gosh!!! I’m so touched!!! Thank you again! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
Your welcome😊
😘✨💛
❤️😘
I had the same issue in college. I had transferred to Heidelberg in Tiffin, OH and didn’t expect too much success in the theatre due to being a transfer. I ended up getting very well-received, and insecurity remained, but took on the guise of ego.
Dear Ruth Bacon, a slightly past middle age teacher who was the personification of taste, grooming, and good breeding called me into her office. She asked me if I liked EVERYONE. Me, in people-pleaser mode, waffled some evasive response. She drilled me and I finally admitted that, no, I don’t like everyone.
“Then why the hell do you expect everyone to like you.” Delivered with the sweetest smile. “You run around here like a puppy looking to be petted. Knock it off!”
This later led to my corollary, “Everybody is somebody’s asshole. Including me.” Yup…I’m somebody’s asshole. Surely more than one person’s. But that realization allowed me to say it’s ok to not be liked. It’s always going to happen, so get over it.
I also learned your mom’s lesson early in business. The sooner I delivered bad news to a customer, the less angry they’d be as opposed to waiting. It’s like taking nasty medicine. Get it over with. It’s hard, but it’ll come with practice.
And just to let you know; I am fond of you for you. Always have been. Nothing to do with you pleasing me somehow. You’re just a good person doing her best to do good things. You’re just not everyone’s good person. You too are somebody’s asshole. And that’s ok. I just wish I knew how to put a heart icon or something in here now.
Hey Jeff! Thanks for sharing that – wow what a straight shooting teacher, that Ruth. She reminds me of an acting teacher I had in nyc – it’s good to hear the tough stuff sometimes. You’re right – the sooner the better. And gosh, thank you for saying that. And ditto for you!! Hahah I’m mentally envisioning the heart emoji:) and I grateful appreciate it!! Big hugs to you my dear dear friend. Xoxoxoxoxox
It’s hard being blunt for a lot of people. In my job in Child Welfare, I constantly have to bottom-line things for parents I work with–I have to tell them that it’s either the option I’m giving them that allows their children to remain in the home, or they risk having their children removed. I constantly want to give options that satisfy the requirements of my job and makes the parents happy…But sometimes those are mutually exclusive goals.
Being a people pleaser never worked out for anyone in Scripture–We can either please God or please man–we cannot have it both ways. In most situations, it’s best to do what God would want us to do, even if it means doing something uncomfortable.
~Tom
You’re right about that Tom – but honesty really is the best policy. Oh wow – yeah it sounds like you’ve had to master the art of truth in love. What an important job you have. Thanks for this powerful reflection. Hugs and love xox
The thing is, it’s so easy to get caught up in worrying about how someone else might feel, we ignore or dismiss how WE feel. Be good to yourself.
You’re so right about that Diana – it’s such an easy trap to fall into! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox
I appreciate your post!
Helps me understand my hubby
very helpful.
🌻
Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.
Ps I’ve felt that way before about stuff. Hug.
Aw thank you so much! I’m so glad it resonated with you. Yeah – having a people pleaser in your life, it’s really awesome that you seek to understand how we “tick!” So glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox
I’ve been in the exact same situation, Caralyn, and yes, it does twist your gut. I spoke up later than I should have, too. The positive thing: lesson learned!
You’re doing great. ☺️
Hi Hannah, thanks for sharing that — it’s definitely one of those things you learn from!!! thanks for the encouragment 🙂 means a lot! big hugs to you xox
you hit me in the feels. I can relate to this so hard, as a hard core people pleaser i can say it has gotten me in very similar situation as of right now. Thanks for the amazing advice. Sidenote here I now have a theripst who specializes in Ed stuff, hated it a first, but I kinda love her, praise God, still feeling very reluctant to truely recover, can’t stop thinking how I don’t deserve to get better, or that I’m not sick enough.
Aw thank you Natalie, im so glad this resonated with you! Yeah it definitely leads to some sticky situations. You absolutely deserve recovery and the beautiful freedom that comes with it, my friend. I believe in you and am cheering for you! Big big hugs xox
Eh I don’t feel most women are honest. So it isn’t just you. I have found they’ll even lie about having a bf when all they have to do is say they’re not interested. You shouldn’t feel too bad. At least you did the right thing. Be proud.
Thanks Derek for sharing your thoughts about this. Yeah – I will be honest – I’ve used the boyfriend excuse once or twice. They were situations where the pursuer was incredibly aggressive and simply not taking no for an answer. It was a last resort. But Honesty is always the best policy. Thanks for stopping by!! Big hugs xox
Any time sunshine ☀️ appreciate it
🥰🥰🥰
You are a strong person, by God’s grace.
Aw thank you so much. By God’s incredibly generous grace! Glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox
😊 Peace.
🙂 xoxoxox
God bless you for being so honest…
Frankly, I relate to your post because I am your polar opposite. Your beautifully honest writings seem to indicate that you have an inferiority complex, that you constantly need to please others to find persona validation. In so doing, you alienate yourself from… well, yourself.
I’m your opposite: I have a ‘god complex’. I.E.: It’s not in my nature to give a rat’s ass what anyone thinks about me! So I alien myself from… well, everyone.
Inferiority or god, both complexes are destructive. I admire you for being so self-aware. I can only hope to move past my ‘complex’ as dexterously as you have! Thank you for your blog. I find it very inspiring.
God bless – Shaun
Thank you Shaun for sharing your heart on this. You’re right – both complex’s offer, well, complexity! Haha Hugs and love xox
And hugs to you as well, sister! Thank you for your inspirational writings.
💛💛💛
[…] The Plight of a People Pleaser […]
Thanks for the link up!! Hugs and love xox
I’ve been a big fan for a while, but I might suggest looking forward to a better, more fulfilling stream of consciousness on your blog with something a bit more newsworthy. Pick something. Coronavirus, cuts to education, the democratic platform based on infanticide. I would suggest prayer about the need for you to use your weapon of your computer for the purpose of allowing God to use you to make the world better and concern yourself less with social media follows and the like. You are too valuable of a person, like all of us, to concern yourself with anything but making our world better and serving the Great commission.
Hi Brian, thanks for this feedback – this is great insight. you offer a lot of truth here. I will look into broadening my topic matter! Hugs and love xox
You did the right thing. I’m sure this has eased the situation on both ends. So proud of you!
thanks friend – you’re right, telling the truth is better for everyone involved in the long run. I appreciate you stopping by! big hugs to you xo
I am really feeling you on the people pleasing. I myself am a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser too. Competitive dancer here and yeah, the two go hand on hand. What’s awesome about healing and growing is that you can recognize this. It’s all a process. I too can relate to holding back for reasons of avoiding someone else’s pain but you must always remain true to you first and foremost. You told your truth!! The more you do this the less scary or uncomfortable it will be for you. This is growth my friend and honesty is the best policy😊❤
Hi friend! Thanks so much for this awesome encouragement. Glad this resonated with you! Amen! The less scary it will be!! Glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox
Yep yep yep. I’ve been there, on all sides. Have done what you did and had it done to me. Have also told the truth early and had it told to me early. Early is best! But you know what? Even if you tell it early and kindly, there will be men who STILL get angry and nasty over the “rejection” ~ they may say cruel things, unfollow, etc. That’s their choice. You can only do the right things for yourself! ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks Paula! So glad this struck a chord with you. Early is best – amen to that. And you’re right – rejection is a hard pill to swallow no matter the timing. Thanks for the encouraging words! Hugs and love xox
Hmm. Good thoughts.
Thank you so much 🙂 I appreciate you stopping by and taking the time to read this! Hugs and love xox
I’ve only just discovered you today since you liked my Deep Cries Out to Deep post and hardly know anything about you other than from what I’ve briefly seen. But I admire your honesty and vulnerability in this. If it is of any encouragement, God not only looks at words and actions of mankind, for if he did, scripture tells us that none could stand before him. But he divides between soul and spirit, joints and marrow, and discerns the motives and intentions of the hearts of mankind (Hebrews 4:12). I don’t believe your motives were bad in this situation but it is God who looks down from his throne and sees that. Nevertheless, like David, it’s cool to see how you acknowledged your wrongdoing and told the person you were sorry. Despite the wrongdoing that David did, it was that repentant heart of his that made him a man whom God considered to be after his own heart (Psalms 51). God bless you and I pray that God will use your blog for the glory of his son, Jesus.
In Him,
Roy
Hi Roy! Welcome! i’m so glad our paths crossed. Thank you so much for this wonderful encouragement. it really means a lot. God bless you my friend! i appreciate the prayers! hugs xox
Some people see God’s love everywhere! Others don’t see that Love at all. What is the cause of selfishness, rudeness, entitlement, and lack of Love? C.S. Lewis was right after all God created us to love one another! The Lord God made us all; Love is all we really need. We all need to remember Proverbs 15 KJV. In any relationship remember to be true to yourself, your date and your God!
yes! Oh i love CS Lewis! he was such a wise and talented writer. thanks for the encouraging words. hugs and love xox
I am constantly trying to improve my inner people pleaser. For me, it takes regular work. I think that is a common thread among people who are loving and have suffered significant traumas in their life.
thanks for sharing that, Sean. Yes! regular and intentional work. Hugs and love xox
Thank you for writing from the DEEPEST part of your soul. Keep on keepin on
aw, thank you Brad — i really appreciate your kind words! you keep on keepin on too! 🙂 big big hugs xo
you learned something, and that’s always a good thing…
you’re right about that Jim. Sometimes you’ve got to learn the lessons the hard way — story of my life!! hahahahhaha hugs xox
those are usually the most valuable lessons, and the ones we remember best!
You’re right about that!!! Have a great night x
I’m the opposite: I don’t interpret, and I don’t mince words. I’m direct.
So from the opposite side of the niceness spectrum, may I suggest practice. Being direct in smaller interactions that don’t matter much could help with your confidence when you’re confronted with bigger items where it’s important.
I have to do the same thing, only in a more small-talk sort of manner. It’s not easy, but I ultimately hope it works out okay. Anecdotally, I made a great friend at my last job by going outside of my comfort zone.
Thanks for sharing that Matt. I could definitely take a lesson from you! And you’re right – practice makes perfect! Great advice! Hugs and love xox
I can relate, in being highly relational we naturally want to validate and affirm. We dread the negatives of unintentionally disappointing or hurting others. We truly aim to please. I found it helpful to remind myself when making the right decision (even late in the game), that decision is still an expression of being the best of ourselves, because making that decision late is more difficult. A sign of integrity in the end. I applaud your display of inner strength in the face of
all emotions to the contrary. Well done my friend.
Hi John! So glad this hit home with you :)you’re right about that — validation is something we all hunger for. THanks so much for the encouraging words. Big hugs to you xox
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” -Galatians 1:10
I’ve struggled with people pleasing and trying to make everyone else happy for years. This verse helps put it back into perspective. Maybe it can serve as help for you when you’re in those people pleasing modes. Guess we are always working through our weaknesses. Another one is 2 Corinthians 12:9. It’s okay to have weakness, as Christ’s power is made perfect in weakness! We all have ‘em! 🙂
oh wow what a powerful verse! thank you for sharing that with me! you’re right – always working through out weakness with His help! big hugs to you xox
Powerful words here….
“Honesty, when spoken gently, is kind. It is empowering. It is freeing. And it follows Christ’s example.”
thank you so much 🙂 I appreciate that! yes! it does! hugs xo
I was a people pleaser all of my life. It is really hard to learn how to get free from it, as is any and all addictions. So I can easily relate to your dilemma and tell you how blessed that you are to have parents who will listen and who speak the truth from their wisdom gained in life. I am free now for quite some time. Now I please God and I please me. Other people have to take me as I am because I won’t bow my knee to another human being anymore. Listen again to what Jesus said, as it will help you. Luke 14:26 Authorized (King James) Version (AKJV)
26 “If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.” Keep on because you have a good heart and you can feel pain from making mistakes. You also want to change. You are a good egg. So don’t lose heart.
thanks so much for sharing that. You’re right – it is a very difficult habit to ditch. Pleasing God is the way to go!!! thanks for the wonderful encouragement. big hugs to you xox
Honestly, there isn’t anything to criticize in your approach. You’re polite, you’re honest, and you have a conscience about it (some out there seem to relish being the cold fish). You make the best possible choice in every dimension. What more could you do than that? 🙂
Thanks so much Brandon, I appreciate your kind and encouraging words. Yeah – I tried…but sometimes I’ve got to be the bearer of the hard truth, even if it disappoints. Hope your week is off to a great start! Hugs and love xox
I know this place well kind lady. And the first time I said NO I thought the heavens were going to open and absolutely trash me. But nothing happened. Eventually I realised my truth was so much more loving than my fibs were, to both parties. And the more I said it, along with the truth, not some made up story, the easier it was for all. You no longer have to justify yourself when you stick to the truth, there is nothing for them to say when you say ‘thank you, but I’m not interested’. You will say it with love so that they won’t feel the pain from you, but the fears that they hold in reaction to it.
Just be you, you can be no more loving to all 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋 🦘 🐬 🐳 🌺
Hi Mark, thank you so much for sharing your heart on this. Oh I feel you! And that’s such a great point – honesty in the long run is more loving to both parties. Such great advice! Thank you!! Filing that away for next time!!! So grateful for you, friend. Hope you’re having a wonderful night. Hugs and love xox
I think you did the right thing. It’ll ease the matter for both sides. So proud of you.
Thank you friend — you’re right – speaking the truth is better for everyone involved in the long run! i appreciate the encouragement! big hugs xo
people also savage you for being honest, I am tagged with being “brutally honest” quite often or even being mean just because we are told by society how to act, men must be manly and women womanly whatever that means, the closer you are to being yourself (honesty) the happier you will be, it is one of the hardest things to do, as “brutal” honest as people say I am I still think I have a ways to go… there is a difference between selfless and healthy selfishness, just my 2 cents, thanks for the thoughts as usual !
Thanks so much David for sharing your thoughts on this. Lots to ponder here! And you’re right – being ourself is the way to go. Hugs and love xox
Oh, good one! I was a people pleaser too and I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I also started to see how damaging that kind of avoidance could be, not just to me, but to others. Sometimes we don’t realize that setting our own boundaries can actually be good for other people, too.
Thank you so much! You’re right – setting boundaries is so healthy, and as ironic as it sounds…it’s freeing too!! 🙂 big hugs to you xox
There’s an adage that I picked up while in the Navy — Bad news I can take; Surprises I don’t like.
Oh wow what a powerful adage, thank you for sharing that with me! And thank you for your service 🙂 Hugs and love xox
Ah, Sweet Lady! This is such a lovely post. You and Your parents are awesome and simply rock! What a wonderful heart You have. I love that when You were in high school You were more comfortable stating Your truth in the moment. You’ll achieve that again! You’re so aware and willing. We’ve all been there and that You felt so horribly about hurting someone speaks volumes about You. Be kind to Yourself!!! I truly believe next time You’re in that situation You’ll have the courage to handle it differently. Thank You and Cheers!!! 🤗❤️😊
Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m so glad this resonated with you! You’re right – I pray to have that courage next time too!! Hugs and love xox
My pleasure!!! 🤗
✨💛✨
“but that I have feelings for someone else.”…
Oh do tell… My feline DNA is all aquiver with curiosity.. LOL..
You did the right thing Caralyn. Believe it or not, I am the same. I too have flaws. If you claim you have many, well by comparison, mine would pile up to the height of Mt. Everest. It took me a long time to realize that being a people-pleaser and trying to please everyone, pleases no one.
You rather be upfront, tell the truth and accept the consequences like an adult or continue to be the same, and eventually lose out on many great things that God will bring across your path.
The only two people you should strive the hardest to please is God and yourself. These two are the most important people in your life, and pleasing them eventually pleases everyone.
Hahaha you’re too funny! Thank you friend for your encouraging words. You’re absolutely right – being upfront is so important. And amen!! God and myself! Thanks for the awesome advice 🙂 Hugs and love xox
It’s interesting that you post this. I had thoughts last night when I read it. I was too tired to post then. It occurred to me this morning that Our Lord and His Mom were not people pleasers. Jesus is kind and compassionate, yet called people to more to sin less, to Faith, to give up the sense that we can make everyone happy or that this is our life’s work. Deep within me there is a bit of “I can fix this situation” when in all reality I’m not that one.
This post reveals a deep truth working towards our full identity as a child of God is a process rather than an event. Actually your whole blogging experience points to process rather than a single event. We grow and become, and trust and unite, forgive and let go all of this over time. You are a gift Caralyn.
Thanks so much Teri! You’re so right – it is a process, not an event. And what a powerful thought about Jesus and Mary – your so so right! I mean goodness gracious He was flipping tables in the temple!! Glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox
Great post! It’s much easier to do quick – tip the bandaid – that sinking feeling in your gut goes away much faster. What an open and honest post! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much!! You’re right – sooner rather than later!! I appreciate you stopping by and for your words of encouragement! Hugs and love xox
I don’t think you should feel bad about it. It’s a cultural thing, why I don’t date outside my culture. I’ve tried, then went, “Oh yeah, I forgot…you guys do that.” 😂🙄😬
Thanks for the encouragement! Haha yeah there’s something comforting about familiarity. Hugs and love xox
I guess, so. About familiarity, I always get knocked by my culture for, “talking white.” I mean, I left the reservation 25 years ago. I tried really hard, but I was not accepted by them because I was not dark enough. But yeah, it is an aspect moreso than any other culture to be, liked with urgency. I was also not accepted by my white peers because I was not well, white. 😂😳 So, there are worse things than your mishap.
I’m sorry to hear that
It was, a different time. I learned to be, less vulnerable. More understanding, and probably that’s where I became empathetic to the struggles of others. As I, felt what that’s like to be, different. Maybe, you’ll find someone that’s different, like you.
💛💛💛
Too old for yellow hearts. We cannot govern our hearts without first understanding our thoughts. Be well. Chase boys. Make them cry.
lol
Well. There is an absurd amount spent on the looking for love but not, actual love. It seems, to be in the game is more important than winning. You’re doing, just what everyone else is doing in this generation.
You’re right about that
You think, is closeness uncomfortable for you? It might be easier, to put love in a holding pattern until they get bored and wander off than further intimacy.
Hmm no – closeness is not uncomfortable for me. I like it! One of my love languages
But, that could be an issue if a Manhattan man is used to umm.. the third date thing. 😂 Trying to be G rated.
Lollll yeah – creates difficulty, that’s for dang sure
I had issue with, my past being thrown in my face. At first it’s like, “Wow. You must be really good at it to be filmed.” Until, their friends or family find out. I’m actually happy not dating or seeing anyone. I don’t have that expectation.
I think, this is what love is supposed to feel like.
“At length, accident flings him into contact with a creature—he hears the tones of her voice—he feels the warm streams of soul shining from her countenance. Gaze meets gaze, and thought sparkles into thought, til the magic blaze is kindled, and—they fall in love.”
Theodore Fay, 1823
Beautiful
I wish that for you. We want so much from love but not many of us are active in its pursuits. Well, you moreso. I want someone to look at you and, fall in love. They shall be dashing and slightly posh but not so much it’s pretentious. Just, enough posh. I want you, to look at them and feel like this is it. They should, pass the best friend vetting system with flying colors. Oh, they should dress smartly. Not, that it matters but at least in good clothes they’ll have a chance at a decent job. They should love you, like real men do. For lifetimes.
thanks 🙂 best friend vetting system is important
Why do they let you date jerks then? haha.
lol – they try desperately to get me to see the writing on the wall. but what can i say – i like a challenege…or just people who make me feel like crap *ugh*
Love is, a submission. Choose better masters.
I’m still unsure how you could avoid conflict. Ever challenge your opinions or just reinforce them?
I end up just being super agreeable
I think, that comes with time and confidence and enjoying disappointment. People, socially want to be liked even in the current state of social media and online dating. I think, that’s the shallow water but, if you go deeper. People, want to be understood and respected. I think, you’re understanding the difference of the two. Disappoint someone today, don’t hold the door open. Shut the subway door. Take forever to respond to a text. 😂 Experiment a little.
Haha oh gosh okay!
I dated this model. We were, very serious but there were similar problems in the beginning. She always had to be perfect until a year later she farts in front of me. That was nice, well, kinda. 😂
hahahahahahah oh my gosh this made me laugh
I had a nice divorce. I was a people pleaser, she took everything. I found someone after I thought I’d never have a chance with because, well I’m me. I don’t have a fake me that I pretend to be for a few months just to, not be alone. I don’t really, know how to accomplish that. It looks, exhausting and I used to do triathlons.
👍🏼
My life’s pretty messed up. I’m glad yours is not but I don’t know. I don’t feel, like I’m getting anything from this.
💛
It’s definitely an industry cash cow
Wow! Another great read from one of my favorite bloggers. =)
Anyway, we live to please the One and Only God. Not anyone else.
Yes, it is true that honesty hurts but as your family said, it is the best policy.
God bless you always! =)
Thank you so much!! Amen – honesty is the best policy! Hugs and love xox
Hope to see you soon 🙂
🤗🤗🤗
One way to head off the bad effects of codependency is to be totally honest from the outset in every encounter with another person, not in retrospect when the guilt of not being so starts eating away at your conscience. It’s something we have to train ourselves to do but it does prevent “misunderstood signals” from arising and destroying relationships.
Thanks so much Rollie – you’re right – honest from the onset. Great advice, thank you friend. Hugs and love xox
Fellow Enneagram 2 here…relationships are everything to us. We don’t often have the right boundaries in place because we want to make everyone happy. The only way growth happens is when we learn hard lessons. Hugs.
Thank you so much Leah! You’re right! Oh my gosh I hadn’t even considered how the enneagram played into this!! Amen to that – through hard lessons. Hugs and love xox
Hard life lessons but you’re on the path to growth!
You’re right about that! The path isn’t always the easiest but growth nonetheless! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox
This may help, Caralyn. “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10 Ted
That’s a really great piece of advice. Thank you Ted for sharing that powerful verse. Hugs and love xox
You have the BIGGEST heart in the world. No shame in loving! The “many” men will get over their disappointment. Thanks for all the support! Love and aloha!
Oh my gosh you’re too sweet, thank you so much for the encouragement!! Hugs and love xox
It’s not the things we do but how we deal with the aftermath that defines us.
I have a long list of cock ups in my past. Alot of this comes from my anxiety, my drinking (which was a coping mechanism) and the behavior that sprung from it.
Only by recognising these faults, these errors, and acknowledging them. By apologising where necessary, and yes eating humble pie sometimes can you move forward.
It’s easy to hurt people but it’s not always easy to acknowledge you have done so and apologise for it.
Let me tell you a story
10 years ago when I had lost my faith I had a disdain for those that believed. I actually bought a t shirt saying “Too dumb for science? Try religion!” I found this the other day when unpacking some old stuff and it made me think. How many people did I offend with this? How many did I hurt? And how much of a hypocrite does it make me look now I have returned under Christ’s wing?
So I said a prayer asking for forgiveness, and apologising for any pain and hurt I caused. And I feel because deep down I knew that my actions were wrong, that I was belittling those who had something I lacked, that I truly was remorseful, that forgiveness will come. It’s not
something I’m proud of, but I will acknowledge it, own it. Because without doing so I am not truly sorry.
This is such a powerful response. Thank you for sharing your story. Forgiveness is an amazing thing 💛 I appreciate you stopping by and sharing your heart. Big hugs to you friend xox
See like you I was a people pleaser, to a much more severe degree admittedly. I had created a comedy persona that made everybody laugh down the pub. I craved that recognition. Wanted everybody to like me. Fear of rejection drove me to desperate acts.
It came to a head the night I drank 42 Jaeger bombs in one session. I realised I had to change. Had to be better.
I have made my amends, cut out the toxic people, and become a better person.
I don’t feel I could have done this without Christ’s love. Without his forgiveness.
Now I’m not a people pleaser. Because I have come to terms with who I am. People can either like me or not.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💛
In the quest for acceptance we say or do things for fear of rejection. This is based on our perception of how we think people will judge us, so in essence we are judging ourselves. You do not need the approval from others to feel worthy, You are already worthy. Stand in Your own truth, the only opinion about You that matters, is Yours.
Not everyone will agree with Your Truth nor You with theirs and that is okay, continue to be the inspiration and beacon of light that You always have been……..Those that wish to follow will.
Have a beautiful and uplifting day
You’re so right about that. Thank you so much for this encouraging response. It means a lot 🙂 Hugs and love xox
Hug xxxx Another great post.
thank you Amanda!!! hugs oxxxoxo
Speaking as a guilty party… And from experience, you have to make an effort to contact that person and apologize… We can’t always do the right at the moment. However, we can always try to make things right afterwards.
Thank you so much Johannes – you’re right about that, making amends is so important and I have definitely apologized and made things right with him. glad you stopped by. hugs xox
I’ve lived in that zone all of my life until now. My motivation for being honest is my desire to have a less stressful life. I find that telling the truth up front may be a little uncomfortable but works out to be the best for everyone in the end. It’s a process and you’ll get there, with intention.
thank you so much Susanna, I’m glad this resontated with you! You’re right – with intention we can get there!! big hugs to you xox
You did the right thing,even though it doesn’t seem like it right now.Thank you for the like…
thank you so much for the encouraging words. That seriously means a lot. glad yoy stopped by. Hugs and love xox
This is amazing. Thank you for being so vulnerable to share yourself like this. I’ve learnt that people pleasing comes from an approval addiction; a need to be liked and validated, but we should only seek such from God. Our goal should be to please Him…
I’ve also found that brutal honesty is often better than soothing lies. It’ll hurt a lot less to rip the bandage off sooner than later.
But like the Bible says, a gentle answer turns away wrath. The tone at which we speak the truth also matters to. Where possible and applicable, we should speak the truth with love, especially when the existing relationship is one we need to preserve.
Personally, I’ve found that I could also have the tendency to bend over backwards, and it gets to a point that I’ve compromised my values and standards to the point that i can’t even stand up straight anymore…
Aw thank you so much Darazizi!! I so appreciate your kind words 🙂 glad this resonated with you! You’re right – an approval addiction. And Amen!! Only from God!! Thanks for your encouragement. Means the world. Hugs and love xox
Ah yes. People-pleasing. That’s one of my big weaknesses too. At the same time, though, I think there’s a larger problem going on here that’s affecting the people-pleasing with you and affecting a lot of things on the dating scene–that the idea of “friend zoning” someone is somehow a bad thing (or that being “friend zoned” is a bad thing). Having a circle of healthy friendships is good! It might be easier if so-called friend zoning weren’t so stigmatized.
Thanks Brendan, you’re right – friend zoning is a real thing, and it’s both a blessing and a curse, depending on which side of the desired zone you fall!! I’m with you – friendships are healthy! Glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox
This is something that a lot of people are, but there is no real joy in doing so due to often times overlooking self
Aw thank you so much – that’s a really powerful point!! Hugs and love xox
Your very welcome and appreciate that, much love and peace!!!
🥰💛💛💛💛
Your video was great. Raw and honest. I think I may have mentioned before that I have a son. Hence I now see my own dating behaviour really differently. Mind you I think I have only ever had one guy be totally straight with me. It makes a huge difference when we show courage and just kindly speak the truth. Yeah ok we might not be flavour of the month for a while but speaking the truth frees people to move on.It may take time but honesty might ultimately save a friendship. I am really fortunate that a friend I effectively ghosted after a declaration of love, is still my friend and a happily married man. I am not sure I would be as generous in his position.
Aw thank you so much for watching the video! And I appreciate your story – I love what you said: speaking the truth frees people to move on. I love that so so much. Thank you for this beautiful advice. Sending you so much love and hugs xox
I really can’t see why you are being so hard on yourself. Nothing wrong with having a meal with an old friend and if he chose to want to take it further and you didn’t want that you had to tell him and leave it at that. Unfriending over such a thing is very immature on his part and another reason why you sensed this was not the one. Women possess an acute sixth sense. When cupid’s arrow hits you will certainly know it. Of course we should never seek to knowingly hurt people but if they choose to be sensitive its their problem not yours. Your ex-friend’s reaction shows what kind of person you’d have had to spent a dismal life with if you let sympathy trump common sense. 🙂
Thank you so much for your kind words Ian. You’re right about that sixth sense! Haha but you’re right – common sense over all! Hugs and love xox
Having a boy and a girl has been an amazing blessing for me. A few times my daughter and I have had to sit him down and explain a female perspective and he has been brutally honest with my daughter about the male perspective. my daughter is pretty good about telling him.
oh that is so interesting!! thanks for sharing that – i’m sure it is fascinating to see the different ways they’re growing up! Hugs and love xox
Sorry to continue… My daughter is pretty good at telling him,”Nah you’ve been friendzoned.”
hahhahaha love it! go girl way to tell him! 🙂 hehe Hugs and love xox
People pleasing is the highest form of dishonesty. At this time in our evolution, honesty is absolutely necessary. You can’t evolve without it:
https://cosmic-observation.com/2020/02/06/chris-thomas-the-end-of-the-world/
I’m not the blogger type to beg for followers. I’m far too old to care. I’ve been blogging for 12 years and I remember the days before Facebook with all the other nonsense that followed. My blog is not connected to any social so, I offer you to come read some of the Chris Thomas material (Welsh psychic healer).
Tactful honesty is always the best policy. 💕
This is such a powerful response. Thanks for sharing. Honesty really is the beat policy! I look forward to reading your work. Hugs and love xox
My name is Victoria. I go by Vic. I’ve maintained CT’s work for six years. He no longer writes or gives interviews.
Hugs! 🤗💖
Hugs xoxo
This was our “Thought For Today” from Bishop Drew at Faith Cathedral where I go to church,
Sunshine Day 2-14-2020
The keys to success are many. A key to failure is simply trying to please everybody. You cannot be all things to all people. People pleasing is a sure way to fail. “You can please all of the people some of the time. And some of the people all of the time. But you cannot please all of the people all of the time.” (Lincoln) Truism. Please God and yourself today!
Genesis 24:12 – “O Lord God of my master Abraham, please give me success this day.” (NKJV)
In His Service
Bishop Drew Rousse
Faith Cathedral
Watch Us Now http://www.fcwo.org
Oh wow this is right on! Thanks tony for sharing that! Hugs and love xox
Interesting article over there, “The plights of a people pleaser” .thank God I’ve over come it and I keep overcoming it, day by day
thank you so much Edith! amen to that! day by day! Hugs and love xox
I’m such a people pleaser too. I like to say reformed people pleaser but I’m still working on it. 😩
My pastor just preached on how confrontation doesn’t have to be unhealthy when handled probably. His rules:
-Take it time God first.
-A leader in church next
-Then ask the person to talk in person. No texting, phone calls, DM’s, and definitely NO SnapChat. <—-That’s fantastic, right? 😂
-Have a conversation. Don’t beat around the push. Just open and honest. Don’t accuse, or point fingers. 🙌🏻
-Don’t wait on these talks. If you need to talk with someone about something do it right away.
Anyhow this reminded me of that and I thought I’d pass it on because I have been putting this in practice over the last few days and it’s been so helpful! 💜
Thanks Aimee for sharing that – I’m glad this resonated with you! Oh wow I love that — that is the biblical conflict resolution method!! So much turmoil would be saved if we all practiced that!! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox
This resonated with me. I, too, am a people-pleaser. The book “Love Idol” by Jennifer Dukes Lee helped me identify my approval addition. I did not see it as an “addiction” until I read that book. I will be lookinag at your books on Amazon. Lvoe this blog post! Keep em coming!
So glad this hit home with you! I’ll def have to check out that book! I appreciate the recco! Hugs and love xox
Interestingly I am considered anything but a people-pleaser. One would thing as a Chaplain that would be a requirement, yet here in the deep south I am often reminded my straight forward non nonsense approach to things is “not people friendly.” My silent response is ‘it gets the job done, and done well’ 🙂 .
hellp friend! you’re on a reading roll! I love your response – “it gets the job done and done well.” amen! Hugs and love xox
Thank you for sharing–and for embracing the reality that we’re ‘always learning, always growing’.
I have this tendency also, and there are MANY times when things have gotten worse because I put off the conversation that was necessary. I am SO thankful for the grace of God–who never gives up on me!
Thank you so much David. Yes!! Always learning and growing! Hugs and love xox
Oh, this struggle is very real and not an easy hurdle to jump over that easily without the Lord’s helping and moulding hand of righteousness. I too struggle with that and really had to take it to God in prayer and I’m getting there more and more day by day. Having honest conversations is better than having a false or forced one. I really loved the godly advice your parents gave to you. I agree with them. God continue to bless and keep you all in His name. Blessings & more grace in Jesus name. Amen. <3
Thank you so much Tammy – you’re so right – we need to just give it al to Him. He will glady take it for us 🙂 stay well! Hugs and love xox
You’re most welcome hun! Yip we really need to and continue to. We can’t do it on our own. Amen! Same to you & the family!
😍🥰😍🥰
As it says in wicca ‘true in love always be, or thy love is false to thee’
interesting
[…] From the popular blog post: https://beautybeyondbones.com/2020/02/10/the-plight-of-a-people-pleaser/ […]
Thanks for the link up! Hugs and love xox