I’m sitting here at my kitchen counter, and there’s a high wind advisory outside right now.
Fifty MPH winds are just whipping through the buildings downtown as we speak. It’s whistling against our windows and making them rattle in their frames! And yet, the sun is shining and it’s a beautiful 65 degree day right outside. So it’s a little strange to see such beauty, and yet hear such anger.
Whenever I hear wind howl like that, it makes me think that God is angry. Or restless with my shortcomings. Which, I know is kind of silly, but that’s where my mind goes.
It’s not often that people talk of God’s fury, or anger, or rage…but the fact is, He is very much capable of such intimidating emotions. Throughout the Bible, we see examples of just that: hello: Noah and the flood?
But I’ll be honest with you – for a long time, I carried this weight upon my shoulders that God was furious and dissociated with me because of my anorexia.
I believed that when He would think of me and the mountain of pain and suffering I put my family through, and the way I actively destroyed His creation that is my body – that He just separated me from His heart – cut me off. The sins I partook in: the lying and deception; the vanity in my appearance, the fits of rage and horrible things I said to my parents; metaphorically “crushing” the souls of the people I cared most for through my actions, and “stealing” their concern and compassion. God should have been absolutely livid with me. He should have thrown me out with the garbage for the way I completely disrespected the gift that He entrusted me with. But He didn’t.
I’m sure He was infuriated with me. However, He showed incredible mercy through the forgiveness He bestowed upon me when I finally repented and handed my anorexia over to God.
He forgave me totally and completely, and not only redeemed me from my brokenness, but also helped me restore my life, my body, my faith – everything.
But it took me a long, long time to come to truly accept and believe that in my heart of hearts, and not just give lip service to it. I always felt that I was the kid God just “tolerated.” Like I was the “technicality” because He had to forgive me, but that didn’t mean He had to like me.
I just felt like I completely let Him down so much – why would He….how could He ever find it inside His heart to love me ever again.
That is a dark place to be. Kind of like the day today: sunny on the surface, but the wind is whipping at your face, constantly pushing you back, making every step feel like you’re battling a gale force wind.
And it’s lonely, too. Because the place everyone needs to turn to, is their Father. What happens when you believe you’re on the outside of the closed door, looking in through the window?
I don’t know why I was moved to write this today. I always pray for the Holy Spirit to give me the words to type. But I feel like I am supposed to say this:
There is nothing so big that God can’t forgive.
There is nothing so terrible that can separate us from His love. No chasm too wide. No time away too long. No mistake too grave.
Not when we seek His forgiveness with an earnest, open heart.
Take it from me: who sought His forgiveness from literally the pit of the basement of rock bottom.
How great is His heart that forgives.
Friends, I love you. I hope you have a restful weekend. Thank you for reading and for journeying through life with me.
Sending love.
xoxo Caralyn
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37 responses to “God’s Anger and Me”
Well said, LIttle Sister! Encouraging words for those of us who are also going through some tough times. Thank you and God bless and keep you and your loved ones.
Thank you Myron!!! i appreciate your support. Yes – I fully believe we are called to walk with one another and help shoulder each others’ burdens! Hugs and love xox
I have been following you since you found my blog, have never left a comment, but what inspires me is your story and how you give credit to God. God is truly awesome! I’m old enough to be your dad or maybe even your grandpa, and I would take you as a daughter anytime. Keep on keeping on. Thank you God for this dear soul.
Gosh, thank you so much Bill. I am truly touched by this encouragement! you’re right about that- He is truly awesome! awww what a kind thing to say! thank you! Hugs and love xox
You are such an amazing woman, Caralyn! Inspiring. I love the view from your living room, wow! We get those 50-60mph winds here in the desert frequently in winter.
You’re not alone in feeling the way you do. Every Christian is undeserving of God’s forgiveness, grace and mercy. Therefore, we have every reason to praise His name!
Amen! Thank you, Lord. What a loving Savior we have.
I love reading your stories. I love that God loves us through this life. We are flesh and blood and full of struggles and yet he’s so loving and patient with us. God Bless!!
Thank you!
Oh gosh, thank you Mike. I am so glad that it resonated with you. Amen to that – He is SO patient!! Hugs and love xox
Spontaneous revival has broken out on Asbury U campus since yesterday, and students and faculty have been praying around the clock since 10am yesterday! “If my people will humble themselves and pray…”
At any moment that His children respond to His Sovereign authority over our lives, He will turn away from His fierce anger and redeem even the most debauched.
Perhaps He will if we are in a “Jonah” moment and not a “Nahum” moment; This Saturday’s blog!
❤️🙏, c.a.
Thank you for writing this. I can assure you that you are definitely led by the Holy Spirit because I am someone who needed to hear what you said. What a mighty and awesome God we serve. Blessings to you.
Hi Randall, wow – thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement. It truly means a lot! Hugs and love xox
I am so grateful that the wrath of God towards humanity’s sin was spent on the cross, and we are no longer objects of His anger as His children! I’m so glad you are sharing your journey about coming to more deeply know His grace ❤️
Nothing makes me more appreciative of his grace than really coming face to face with the selfishness and harm I did to others that He forgave. It keeps our hearts tender and open towards Jesus. Thanks for so honestly sharing Carolyn.
When in doubt, remember that Jesus forgave St. Peter for denying him three times. Not only did He forgive Peter, but he also made him the head of his church.
God is not angry at people, He is angry at sin and what it has done to his beautiful creation. His final instant destruction of the wicked is God’s strange act and only done out of love. Firstly because He cannot permit sin to continue forever to disrupt the universe. Secondly he is portrayed in the parable of the prodigal son as the father eagerly watching down the road each day for his son to come to his senses and come home. Never subscribe to this angry God theory that has found it’s way into the Christian religion from pagan sources.
God is a forgiving God, for sure!
Ahhhh Caralyn. You were called to write this post today because I needed to hear it. It’s the literal thing I’ve been battling the last several days. Sins I can’t escape or change haunt me. Horrible things I’ve done that God has turned around & I know I deserve his judgement & anger but I receive his blessings & love. I just can’t wrap my head around it & still feel he is angry & I’m not forgiven. This post might help to start moving forward.
oh my gosh, Lindsey, I am so glad this resonated with you. Praise God. Friend, I have absolutely been there. Hang in there – cling tight to His strong arms. I used to always envision myself — this. might sound weird — but i would be pounding my fists against His strong chest, and I’d be kicking and squirming and screaming and crying, but He’d just have his Hulk-like arms wrapped around me, holding me tight until I tired myself out from fighting Him, and then I’d just collapse and He’d still be holding me, never having let go. Always loving me. That was a powerful visual for me. 🙂 Praying for you, friend. You are so deeply loved.
A great post. Accepting that transforming truth of God’s mercy and love is a stumbling block for some Christians because they still remember the hurts of the past and I see that regularly in prayer ministry with people. It can take time to really believe that truth in their heart as you say. Sharing testimony like yours today helps people on their discipleship journey.
Your thoughts resonate so well with the real people. Dealing with the guilt-trap while constantly being reminded off the mistakes we are doing, rather repeating, is tough indeed. And we all struggle every day. To know who is in our inner circle and pay them back and more is a simple gesture we can aim at to redeem our inner peace. Acquiring gratitude as an attitude for securing love which is around (but often ignored/unseen/swept away) and expressing it with no measured potions is the key.
Oh my gosh thank you so much for your kind words. It really means a lot, and I’m grateful for this feedback. Amen to that – gratitude makes the world go around. Hugs and love xox
And much love returned in kind Caralyn. And His love is indeed unconditional 😀❤️🙏🏽
Do you know the song Graves Into Gardens? That’s what this post calls to mind for me: https://youtu.be/KwX1f2gYKZ4
Good work, sister!
I have not heard that before! i look forward to listening to it. thanks Jim for passing it along! Hugs and love xox
Amen!!!! God’s love is like no other.
yes! thank you!
Couple of thoughts – First, God isn’t so much angry as righteous. Yes, He was angry in the Old Testament, but that was also a matter of forming the Israelites into a nation disciplined in His ways. God also showed flashes of anger in the New Testament. For example, Ananias and Sapphira lied to the Holy Spirit about their offering and were each struck dead in return. God has also been sending modern messengers to warn us of His anger. 23 Minutes in Hell by Bill Wiese is his account of experiencing hell and told by god to warn people that it’s real and waiting. God’s concern is that we only talk about the Gospel and do not pay sufficient attention to the punishment that awaits those who reject Him. Wiese relates in his book about he found a whole community of like people sent on the same mission.
I got to meet one of those a couple years ago. Of his meeting with Jesus after seeing hell, I asked him if he hadn’t been at least nervous if not downright scared standing in front of the Son of God. Justin smile broadly and said no. The love emanating from Jesus was a physical force that left no room for fear. This of course answers your concern about God having only tolerated you. He didn’t. He loved you. Always. He was just saddened over your plight, but He also had a plan…
I love this Caralyn. And I love you.💕
My father was a helicopter pilot. I remember being very young and watching helicopters land close up. They are loud and generate a lot of wind, but I felt so exhilarated by the majesty in all that noise and wind. The wind has always been a reminder of God’s power and love for me (even though your perception might be more logical). I have gone outside in driving winds and even hurricanes just to feel His power.
I can only feel God’s grief over your anorexia. You have always been his precious daughter and He ached and grieved during the years of your captivity, longing to set you free. It hurts to know you ever thought he would have tried to separate from all you had to go through.
No one and nothing is bigger or greater than God. The depths of His mercy are unsearchable.
What a beautiful post! Congratulations on your lovely new home 💖
I don’t think God is angry at you at all, Carolyn. On the contrary, you are one of his go-to girls. Chin up!
I read your post here tonight and was reminded that you are a talented writer. Though I haven’t visited your blog for a while, I have an idea from what I have seen in my email and in my notifications.
The redesigned format of your blog looks great. I saw it for the first time tonight.
As always, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us! God Bless.
Jesus Said: “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:” ( Ephesians 4:26 KJV )!!
Shalom Aleichem and Mazel Tov Everyone!! ❤
I Love ❤ you all Everyone through Jesus-Yeshua Christ, because HE LOVED EVERYONE FIRST!! Praise Jesus-Yeshua Christ for Today and Everyday!!
GOD BLESS YOU ALL ✝️ !!
Love ❤ Always and Shalom, YSIC \o/
Kristi
God always loves, God always forgives, God is always with you.
you’re so right about that, Blaise. Thank you for this encouragement! Hugs and love xox