I’m gonna just come right out with it: it’s been a rough couple of days.
So I apologize for my absence this past Thursday.
What was I doing?
I was breaking someone’s heart.
Please don’t read that in a “My-Milkshake-Brings-All-the-Boys-to-the-Yard” kind of a way.
As you know, this year, I have decided to be open to love.
And it’s a shame. Because I truly do find his character, his heart, his faith very attractive. But I just couldn’t shake the “brotherly” feeling I had with him.
But more than that, I knew deep down that I still had more work to do, loving myself, before I could receive his love. For, the ultimate act of self-love is allowing another person to love me.
So I had to tell him before his feelings got more advanced than they already were.
And let me tell you: hurting people sucks.
But afterwards, I was feeling really down. Aside from the guilt from causing someone I care about pain, I was also angry at myself. I found the Voice of ED snaking his way back into my head with things like, Of course you couldn’t love him — you’re incapable of that. You’ve just thrown away your last chance at love. You’re destined to be alone. You’re unlovable.
I found myself beating myself up.
And when you’re in that head space, it’s really hard to come up with inspiring words for a blog about hope and self-love.
Love is patient, love is kind…
Now I’m going to stop you right there. Because if you’re like me, if I were to go on, you’d just glaze over it because we’ve heard that verse SO. MANY. TIMES. at weddings.
But I think that, since we associate it so heavily with marriage, that we can miss a very powerful passage.
Try reading this, thinking not about love for another person, but love for yourself.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It is not jealous, it is not pompous,
It is not inflated, it is not rude,
It does not seek its own interests,
It is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
It does not rejoice over wrongdoing
but rejoices with the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails.
Whaaaaat?!! Crazy right?! You’re like picking up the pieces from your blown mind off the floor right now, aren’t you?
So am I.
Love is patient.
Right off the bat. God is reminding me that self-love is patient. So I’m not truly ready to be in love yet. That’s okay. I need to be patient with myself. The anorexia I endured left some very large and very real wounds that take time to heal. I should celebrate the fact that I gave love a shot. Tested the waters. I was open to it.
But the truth is, I’m still blossoming into the woman God made me to be. And I’m blooming at my own pace. I need to remember that and be patient in love with myself. The day will come when I am truly ready for love. But that day is not today. And that’s okay.
Love bears all things/does not brood over injury
These I think go hand in hand, so I’m going to count them as one.
My past is not pretty. Anorexia is a wounding attack against the self. A deliberate injury to the self. But love bears all things. Even that. God’s love for me. My family’s love for me. And yes, my love for me. It needs to not brood on that past harm, but move forward from it. And flourish, even with that period of darkness plaguing my history. Love bears all things.
Truth. In today’s world, it’s hard to know what that is. Really. It has been so skewed and adapted and stretched and eroded at, that we can hardly recognize it when we see it. But there is one that I know to be true: I am loved, and I am worthy of love. Period. Okay, so maybe that’s two…big whoop.
But that’s it. That’s the truth. I am loved by God to a degree that is incomprehensible. And I am worthy of love.
The first truth, I whole heartedly know, believe, and claim.
The second…I’m still working on.
I thought I was a lot farther along on that journey, but seeing how things with that boy turned out, it appears I still have work to do
I am worthy of love, because God deemed me worthy to die on a Cross for.
[Self] love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. [Self] love never fails.