I Am Not Invincible

I’m angry tonight.


I am angry because I have been brutally reminded that I am not invincible.

I received a comment (which has since been deleted) that taunted me to revisit and reexamine my disordered thoughts when I was deep in my anorexia. The commenter prodded me to describe exactly the allure of anorexia – Why was it so attractive when I was in deep in the throes.

And when I read that comment I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck begin to stand on end.

For three reasons:

One: Because that thinking is the thinking of death. Those thoughts are destructive. They are hurtful. And they are not from God.

Two: Because I was angry that I was getting bullied to re-entertain and describe the thoughts that nearly killed me eight years ago.

Three: I was angry because even thinking about thinking about those thoughts made me realize one big thing: I am not invincible.

My chest began to tighten. My muscles tensed. And for the shortest minute, I remembered how, at the time, those destructive thoughts were so attractive to me. So alluring. So seductive. Having to think about what made anorexia so enticing was like remembering what the forbidden fruit tasted like. Sweet. Succulent. And juicy.

And the second that feeling of remembrance began to come over me, I literally closed my computer, got up, and took a walk and said the rosary because that shit will NOT be occupying my mind.

No sir.

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Now you may pause, and say, but you write about your past on a regular basis. How has this not happened before? Don’t you deal with this every time you publish?

And the answer is, no.

You see, though I write about my past, I write about it more in the abstract. I keep an arm’s distance from it at all times. A couple of my earlier posts went into more of the darkness associated with the disease, but you will notice that my writing does not dwell on that. It focuses on the hope. On the renewal. On the transformation. On the freedom.

There are topics that I do not revisit because they are not good for my recovery or mental health. And what this person brought up is one of them: what made ED attractive.

It’s like asking an alcoholic to describe their first buzz.

There’s a saying that goes, If you bring your past with you and let it impact your future, it’s not really the past. 

There are things that I have left in the past that I will not drudge up again. Because even though I am strong in my recovery, I know that I am not invincible. There are things, such as trying to recall what made anorexia alluring, that I simply cannot think about without stumbling. Things that I cannot and will not bring with me into my present or future.

And I was angry that I allowed my buttons to be pushed and angry that I allowed myself to be bullied into thinking about those things.

But, if I’m being really 100% honest, I was angry that my mind went to that place it did.

And that was a reminder that I need God

He is my stronghold. He is my rock. He is my source of recovery.

And if I take my eyes off of Him for even a second, it allows ED’s flaming darts to start coming at me on the attack.

No bueno.

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And I’m going to be honest, this affected me tonight. I was on edge. Down. Discouraged. Hurt. Angry. Disheartened.

And falling asleep, I just got this reminder that I don’t have to do it alone.

I’m not expected to be invincible.

God does not expect us to be perfect.

But… He does expect us to give our weaknesses to Him. 

So that He can be invincible.

That’s the truth. That’s the beauty of our Father. That’s the hope.

That’s what gets us through the temptations.

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So no, I’m not invincible. I know what I can and can’t write about or think about. And I will respect those boundaries.

But I also know that no matter what, I have a God I can depend on. A God who will be my strength.

I will keep my eyes on Jesus.

 

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**Just a little housekeeping**

I want to invite you all to check out my Patreon page and consider supporting BBB. The blog is remaining exactly the same, there are just some pretty sweet perks for BBB supporters – such as podcast versions of the posts and exclusive content. I have some exciting plans for BBB, such as a YouTube channel -where yes, you will see my whole face!! 😂 And a book and a cookbook. Your contribution – even $1 – will help me continue to put in the cosiderable time and effort to make BBB what it is! Thank you! Hugs and love xox

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

463 thoughts on “I Am Not Invincible

    1. Hi friend! Thank you for sharing this verse. You’re right, we just try to follow His perfect example, as best we earthly and fallen people can. What a comfort though to know that God will have our backs when we fall. Thanks for your comments this morning. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Anytime 🙂 we all make mistakes… we shouldn’t be shackled down by them. Tell every “backbelle” to go and live their life before criticizing yours

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    1. Hi friend. This is a great question. The rosary is just another form of prayer. Not prayer to Mary, which it so often gets mistaken for. The rosary is a tool that points to the life of Jesus. People often give it a bad wrap for being just a bunch of repetitive and memorized prayers. But that’s not the case. Yes, we pray repeated prayers, but that just to free us up to reflect upon the life of Jesus. So we don’t get caught up in the “words” so to speak, and just think about Jesus. His turning water into wine. His scourging at the pillar, His crowning with thorns. His carrying the cross. His crucifixion. His death. His resurrection. The cool thing about the rosary is that instead of having to focus on the words, I can focus on His life and His incredible sacrifice. Yes, there is a time for “free form” prayer, if you will-and I do that every day. But sometimes, like this particular moment, I was so perplexed that I couldn’t even come up with the words, so I just wanted to meditate and think about Jesus’s life. That’s what the rosary is. Hope that helps clear some things up. Thanks again for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I appreciate your concern. Yes, He does get my prayers “without the props.” I pray every day. This was just an instance when I wanted to reflect and meditate on His life with the rosary. It is soothing. It is comforting. And frankly, it is beautiful. I seek His counsel in every decision I make. I seek His will, His mercy, His face every minute of the day. I live for Him. After His sacrifice, that is the least I can do. Praying with the help of the rosary is one of many forms of prayer that I do. They are all just different forms of worship. Free form prayer, singing, dance, going to church, the rosary–all are ways we can praise Him and worship Him. One is not better than the other.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You defended praying the Rosary very nicely. I am with you: when I am at a loss for words, or have prayed my heart out until I can’t go any more but it still feels like I need to pray more, I always turn to the Rosary and use my meditation on the life, death and resurrection of Jesus as my prayer.
        I admire your faith, your leaning on the grace of God to help you continue a life of freedom away from ED. Hang in there!

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  1. That commenter sounds like kind of a dick. I’m sorry that happened to you. Stay strong. I really enjoy your posts. And I love that you turned a negative experience into a beautiful positive post. ❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  2. beautiful and honest as always! I pray that the Lord continues to be your strength and that your life will be a MAJOR encouragement to hundreds, if not, thousands of young men and women who have that nagging voice that tells them how fat and unworthy they are… Thank you for your willingness to be so opened and honest!

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  3. […] BBB- BeautyBeyondBones- This young lady is a talented writer, amazingly strong in her convictions and  what I would consider to be a wonderful role model for young women/girls. She is very insightful and fully immerses herself into understanding the challenges she has endured and continues to face with grace, humility, a sense of humor and tremendous Faith.  https://beautybeyondbones.com/2016/06/23/i-am-not-invincible/ […]

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  4. When others try to bog you down in the past, just remember Paul, in Philippians 3: 13-14 “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” That’s what I saw you do.

    Many times, nosy people, thorns in the flesh even, and pains in the necks will want all the salacious details or some other such nonsense. for whatever reason, it doesn’t matter, all that matters is that we forget, shed that weight and press… and you realized that, do you realize that many men and women much older than you haven’t grasped that simple truth yet?
    Good job kiddo…
    HUGS!!!!!!

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    1. Wow thank you for such a beautiful comment. I love that verse-it is so powerful and the imagery so strong: reaching for the prize of God. Definitely speaks to the athlete in me:) hehe but truly, thank you for your kind words of encouragement. It means a lot. Thanks for reading this morning! Hugs and love xox

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  5. If you write about your past and recovery, one who is struggling will find hope to overcome as you have. That’s why our stories have to be told. And yes your story is a story of faith in God. I too found hope in stories I found at iamsecond.com If those were never found I still would be living in darkness but now it is His light that brightens my days.

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  6. Your stories of the past can give hope. I know because other’s stories gave me hope to overcome the darkness in my life. What really got to me is your acknowledgement that God is where you draw your strength. If it hadn’t been the stories I read and viewed at iamsecond.com who knows how long I too would have been gone on.

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  7. Very powerful. I have not dealt with what you’ve been through, but I am uncomfortably aware of my weakness and absolute inability to conquer my own addictions by myself. It really has helped me understand why we need to “meditate on His Word all day long”. Without our eyes on Jesus and our ears listening to his saving Word, I fall so hard all over again. Thank God His “grace is sufficient for [us]”, “for [His] power is made perfect in [our] weakness. Thank you for the reminder that God IS our invincibility. May God bless your recovery and your work of encouraging others.

    Andrew

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  8. I see someone else thought of the same verse — God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness. I love your comparison to thinking about the sweetness of the forbidden fruit. Focus on its being forbidden, if you want to stay away from it. While I’m sorry you had to deal with this, it sounds as though you have gained additional strength and insight in the process.

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  9. Thank you for visiting my page and I thought of visiting you back!

    Be strong always. You have a wonderful faith in the Lord and you know he is always there to love you! Hugs to you! Cheer up!

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  10. My sympathies that such anger was brought about by having to relive a disorder you are working so hard to keep in your past.
    If I may ask, was the comment a question aimed at provoking you, at belittling you and undermining the seriousness of the issue you faced? Or was it perhaps the person simply seeking insight in to a disease they know little about?
    I know that when certain people question issues I have overcome, some of them are genuinely interested in knowing the the frame of mind and thinking process that I was enduring. In those situations, I try and explain as best as I can -exactly what/where/when/how/why I did, thought, felt and responded in the ways that I did, so they may have an insight in to a topic they would otherwise never have understood. Sometimes we need to revisit our past if it has the potential of enlightening others, so that we need not carry a burden alone and so that others -who would never have fallen prey to the vices/disorders that we have- have a first-hand account, helping them to better grasp a situation they have neither knowledge of nor experience with.
    However, if they are probing simply to be jacka**es, I usually smile sweetly and give a ridiculous, nonsensical response so that their hurtful idiocy reflects right back at them.
    I wish you strength ❤

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    1. Hi Amy, thank you so much for this wonderful reflection. You have a lot of wisdom and insight here. Unfortunately, it was the latter. I definitely like to give people the benefit of the doubt too-EDs are hard to fully comprehend of you haven’t experienced on first hand. But this comment was clearly provoking and belittling in nature. There were a series of questions and comments before “the biggie” that were jabbing and insincere, and trying to get me all hot and bothered. It’s sad, really. Ah well, just going to brush it off and go on my merry way. Thank you for your support. Means a lot. Hugs and love xox

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  11. I think I sort of understand because I have two entirely different and unrelated life experiences that I cannot revisit too closely. I can talk or write about them in the abstract, using my terms. But I cannot let the dark spirituality overwhelm me. And if anyone else talks about them, I can feel a bit uneasy and usually try to close or transform the topic!

    Maybe we all have some weak spots. Maybe they get stronger over time. I’m not entirely sure. But I do agree that God is the answer! 🙂

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  12. The past has no power over the present moment. Another way to say the same thing is „I am a new creation“. The shadows of the past are vanished and the light of dawn has come. No past illusions have the power to keep you in a place of death. Darkness has no power over the Son of God. You can always choose to take a deep breath, relax for a moment (or a little bit longer … 🙂 ) and see every situation (with the aid of the Holy Spirit) with the loving eyes of Jesus, and then relax into the compassionate space of his true vision.
    Make this deep relaxation into His presence to your second nature. Every time you do this – even if it is only for a few seconds – you release your past and receive new refreshed life and you are entering into the Light of salvation. Jump into the swimming pool of salvation and enjoy the presence.

    Blessings to you,
    mark

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