I’m angry tonight.
I received a comment (which has since been deleted) that taunted me to revisit and reexamine my disordered thoughts when I was deep in my anorexia. The commenter prodded me to describe exactly the allure of anorexia – Why was it so attractive when I was in deep in the throes.
And when I read that comment I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck begin to stand on end.
For three reasons:
One: Because that thinking is the thinking of death. Those thoughts are destructive. They are hurtful. And they are not from God.
Two: Because I was angry that I was getting bullied to re-entertain and describe the thoughts that nearly killed me eight years ago.
Three: I was angry because even thinking about thinking about those thoughts made me realize one big thing: I am not invincible.
My chest began to tighten. My muscles tensed. And for the shortest minute, I remembered how, at the time, those destructive thoughts were so attractive to me. So alluring. So seductive. Having to think about what made anorexia so enticing was like remembering what the forbidden fruit tasted like. Sweet. Succulent. And juicy.
And the second that feeling of remembrance began to come over me, I literally closed my computer, got up, and took a walk and said the rosary because that shit will NOT be occupying my mind.
Now you may pause, and say, but you write about your past on a regular basis. How has this not happened before? Don’t you deal with this every time you publish?
And the answer is, no.
You see, though I write about my past, I write about it more in the abstract. I keep an arm’s distance from it at all times. A couple of my earlier posts went into more of the darkness associated with the disease, but you will notice that my writing does not dwell on that. It focuses on the hope. On the renewal. On the transformation. On the freedom.
There are topics that I do not revisit because they are not good for my recovery or mental health. And what this person brought up is one of them: what made ED attractive.
It’s like asking an alcoholic to describe their first buzz.
There’s a saying that goes, If you bring your past with you and let it impact your future, it’s not really the past.
There are things that I have left in the past that I will not drudge up again. Because even though I am strong in my recovery, I know that I am not invincible. There are things, such as trying to recall what made anorexia alluring, that I simply cannot think about without stumbling. Things that I cannot and will not bring with me into my present or future.
And I was angry that I allowed my buttons to be pushed and angry that I allowed myself to be bullied into thinking about those things.
But, if I’m being really 100% honest, I was angry that my mind went to that place it did.
And that was a reminder that I need God.
He is my stronghold. He is my rock. He is my source of recovery.
And if I take my eyes off of Him for even a second, it allows ED’s flaming darts to start coming at me on the attack.
And I’m going to be honest, this affected me tonight. I was on edge. Down. Discouraged. Hurt. Angry. Disheartened.
And falling asleep, I just got this reminder that I don’t have to do it alone.
I’m not expected to be invincible.
God does not expect us to be perfect.
But… He does expect us to give our weaknesses to Him.
So that He can be invincible.
That’s the truth. That’s the beauty of our Father. That’s the hope.
That’s what gets us through the temptations.
So no, I’m not invincible. I know what I can and can’t write about or think about. And I will respect those boundaries.
But I also know that no matter what, I have a God I can depend on. A God who will be my strength.
I will keep my eyes on Jesus.
**Just a little housekeeping**
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