Seeing RED 

*sigh* This post is going to be difficult to write.


The saying goes, never judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes…or something like that.

And I’ve learned over the years that as much as I hate those cliched little nuggets, they actually hold a lot of truth. Stand the test of time.

I’ve been wanting to respond to my recent post on Feminism for a while now. It garnered quite the diverse feedback. And I appreciate that so much. One of the cool things about an online community like this is that people bring with them all their experiences and perspectives. We all are on different journeys, and I sincerely enjoy learning and listening to every person.


After that last post, there were numerous reflections that took offense at my statements about motherhood:

The very essence of being female is the ability to bear children. Bring life into the world. That is the one and only thing that is uniquely female. That is the aspect of being a woman that is what should be celebrated and cherished and protected. And, in the name of feminism, we’re fighting to squelch that? Fighting to suppress that exclusively female gift? That, in my opinion, is the exact opposite of feminism.

But I’ve wanted to respond to the backlash I received from this very statement. It’s taken me this long, because honestly, my heart has been hurt by many of these replies, and it has taken me a little extra time to muster the courage to respond.

As you all are very well aware, I had a severe case of anorexia in high school, and then an equally dire relapse in college.

But there’s a dirty little secret about anorexia that not many people realize, and that I have personally not shared yet. But there is a devastating consequence of this disease that many sufferers experience, even after they are “healed.”

And that’s…


And typing that out, my heart is just heavy with devastation. It’s one of those things that I’ve just locked away in a box and thrown away the key. Figuring that if I never uttered it, it wouldn’t actually be true. Ignorance…or rather, denial…is bliss.

But the fact is, here I am a mid twenty-something, and I’ve never menstruated.

I developed anorexia right on the cusp of puberty in high school. And at the same time, I was simultaneously diagnosed with ulcerative colitis – an incurable autoimmune disease.

So it was really the “perfect storm” of my body truly fighting to stay alive, that that part of my development just never happened.

So when I talk about women being the crown of creation, and that motherhood is the essence of womankind, it is coming from a heart that has mourned that gift. A heart that breaks that I will not be able to offer that gift to my husband. My family. Myself.

But a heart that knows that God will make me a mother one way or another. God has put that longing in my heart, and will not let it go to waste. There are other forms of motherhood : adoption, spiritual motherhood, fostering love for my nieces and other children in my life.

And I don’t put a miracle past God either.

Not being able to bear children – whether through infertility, menopause, life situation, what-have-you…that does not mean that you are not fully female, as many people assumed I was proposing.

Far from it.

And I bet those women will tell you that those “mothering” qualities have been lived out in other, nearly-as-fullfilling ways.

And I know that that yearning and loss my heart has wrestled with, has added to the depth and character of my own feminine qualities. It has given me a perspective that I bring to each and every encounter I have. It is a “bag” – or a jewel, rather – that I carry with me on my journey.

So that, like in this community, we can all come together and collective converse, coming from different paths with different perspectives.

And that, is one of mine to offer.

Why am I pro-life?

Because my heart has mourned the loss of truly, the life that I am not able to carry into this world.

The life that makes a woman a mother.

The life that makes a woman’s love life-giving. 

The life that is the result of our feminine power.

God will not forsake the love I long to give. Not to a future husband. Not to a future child. Perhaps my motherhood role will just look slightly different. But in no way does it decrease my worth. Make me any less of a woman.

I may feel that at times.

But God will make beauty from ashes.

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625 responses to “Seeing RED ”

  1. WEll don’t be on both posts. I’ve just been made infertile due to medical treatment and I didn’t take any offence at your first post at all. Your respectful handling of the topics and responses is a breath of fresh air

    • Thank you so much Sherri. I’m so sorry you can so personally relate. thank you for your kind and gentle words. Hang in there. I know that news is challenging to receive. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. big hugs xox

  2. My heart dropped as I read this. I’m so glad that you have had the courage to share. This is such a hard topic. It is amazing how you have relied on God through this. Thanks for sharing <3

    • Thank you so much Rebekah. Yeah, this is one of the sides of ED that often gets overlooked, but that has devastating consequences…even after you’ve been healthy and strong in recovery for nearly 10 years. I appreciate your kind words. big hugs xox

      • I was never aware of this until you posted this. It really sheds light on something that doesn’t get talked about. I know I’ve said already but thank you so much for sharing this!!

    • The Lord is gracious and. compassionate..
      good to all…
      faithful to all his promises…
      loving toward all He has made …
      righteous in all his ways …
      near to all you call on him..
      watches over all who love him …

      my mouth will speak in praise of the Lord.

      Psalm 145

      • Hi Rachel, thank you for sharing this beautiful Psalm. Amen! Hugs and love xox

  3. What an elegant response in the midst of your own mourning and pain. Thank you. As a man, when we were not able to have our own children, I had to face that reality. We really never want to. Adoption was the route we took. Many blessings and challenges over the past 39 years in that path. Occasionally I have wondered, what would it have been like to have my own biological children. I’ll never know, but thanks to God I don’t have to live in that wondering condition. I am father to two men (in mid 40s) five grandchildren, and one great grandchild.

    You have so much to offer people. I am really glad you are writing about this. And again, thank you

    • Thanks friend. I appreciate you sharing your story. Gosh, what blessings God poured out to you through that challenge. I am so glad that you were able to have such a beautiful family. God really is good. thanks again for the encouragement. big hugs xox

  4. I’ve been here. I’ve talked a lot about fertility when it comes to certain Christian topics that spark controversy and it is never an easy minefield to travel through.

    I don’t say this to give you false hope, but I was supposed to be infertile as well. I wasn’t, but because of what I had done to my body with anorexia, it was an extremely difficult and dangerous pregnancy. My body never recovered from the lack of mineral storages that resulted from the age I was when the disease first took over.

    Don’t let anyone tell you that you are wrong to feel sad about potentially not being able to have children. There can be great joy and pain on both sides of the fence.

    Focus on what is important: the vocation God has already given you. He’s in control, not us (thank Him, literally), and not anorexia.

    Praying for you, as always. <3

    • Thank you so much for this, Rebecca. Gosh, what a beautiful thing. So much hope here. And I will cling to that. Thank you for sharing this. Truly. I am incredibly uplifted by this. And I am so happy that you were able to have a child. God is so so good! big hugs xox

  5. So sorry you had to endure such comments, we are all so quick to judge without knowing the circumstances behind our words!
    Doubt it helps but I grew up with a girl who like you had ED and didn’t menstruate. She fell for my neighbour and they decided to get all the professional help possible both to ‘cure’ her ED and to hopefully get her fertile. Long story short they succeeded in both! She has five healthy happy children and hasn’t looked back. That family gives her the courage to never relapse … pray you might have a similar outcome one day. It is possible!

  6. You are so brave to share all of that. You are absolutely right – God didn’t plant the seed of love for a child without making a way for that growth. I know you already do, but hold onto that. And in the meantime, many of us will pray for you… for that someday baby to fill your arms and heart.

    • Thank you so much Christine. I think you’re right – I am going to trust in His divine plan. Because He will work all things together for good. Thank you for your prayers. it means the absolute world. you are a blessing to me 🙂 hugs xox

  7. Oh, dear one, I am so saddened by this revelation. You present such courage to us, and at the same time affirm that to be feminine is as much in the spirit as in gender. Please be of good heart and know that you are beloved by God, who has tendered to you gifts of intelligence and compassion that should please any man, and bless the children that gather under your wings.

    • Thank you so much. Gosh Brian, I am so touched and uplifted by your words, and I mean that so sincerely. You have spoken to my soul tonight. so many thanks 🙂 with much love xoxo

  8. My advice, for what that’s worth lol…the same prayer and thank you to God that I gave you about the husband. God give me the child you want me to have, and thank Him every prayer time after that 🙂 God bless you xoxo big hugs 🙂

  9. Oh, dearheart. Never ever doubt that you will be a terrific mother, in whatever way it manifests. All things are possible, after all. And there are LOTS of people on this earth who need Moms, big time. I have always thought that that very thing might be the most important of all. (A good friend raised her nieces by marriage after their parents death. She is most definitely their mother.) And fulfilling every possible physical function does not EVEN define anybody. Is every guy who can’t bench press a ridiculous number of pounds not a man? Perhaps a too trifling comparison but i hope you get it. We disagree to a certain extent but I respect your thought and soul process a lot. You will do the right thing, and good will come of it! *bear hugs*

  10. My friend, I want to apologize if, in any way, what I shared with your last post disrespected or wounded you or some how made you feel less than enough. I don’t think I really touched on that but sometimes my typing gets ahead of my brain so if I was thoughtless or ignorant, I ask for your forgiveness. If I did offend, I will gladly do whatever I can in my power to make amends (that offer has little to no monetary value… sorry)
    I also want to say that I am hearing your pain now and my heart aches with yours. I do understand loss and grieving but I can’t even imagine your pain. I do believe God honours the heartfelt cry and our willingness to love so I will add my prayers to yours trusting confidently that your Good Good Father will do the most loving work he can do in your life. Meanwhile, I want to affirm your previous statement about womanhood but also remind you that your womanness, your worth, your value, and everything you are is first found in the loving hands of God who has never forsaken you and is loving you into everything you were created to be.
    On a side note, it’s nice to know you are a mid-twenty-something. I am emotionally stunted in my mid-twenties. Now we have common ground!

    • Hi Brad, oh no no, nothing you said hurt me at all! Truly! I am always grateful to read your words. I always learn a thing or two 😉 Thank you for this beautiful encouragement and for your prayers. I think you’re right, God *IS* good, and He is capable of turning even the darkness into light. That’s so true – He has never and will never forsake me, or you, or any of us 🙂 Thanks again, Brad. And again – no worries! I loved our volley about that last post!! It was great fun 🙂 have a great night xoxox

  11. I love what you wrote that you where so wronged for I agree in every word you wrote . I am so upset with people who cannot keep their nasty opinions to themselves . I am so sorry for what was taken away from you but where God is concerned you will be a mother he and you will make that happen . hugs hon

    • Thank you so much, friend. I really appreciate that. I think you’re right – God has a plan – and a *good* one at that. And it is unfolding as we speak. I just have to trust and be patient and remember His sovereignty and goodness. Thanks again for the encouragement. it means a lot. big hugs xox

  12. May God continue to comfort you, and work in you. There aren’t many people called to adoption, and I’m not saying you are, but it is such a beautiful gift. Beyond words really. I’m sorry you were hurt but thank you for courage! Did you know you were courageous?

    • Thank you so much. I agree, it is such a special gift to give a child in need. haha I didn’t know that, but I sure am feeling affirmed by your words! so thank you again!!! big hugs xox

  13. I often read your blog. I’m also- fiercely feminist. Your post surprised me… but I’m glad I held my tongue. Now I understand. We all have feelings based on our own experiences ❤️ I have a strong feeling that you are a wonderful and caring person, I hope that someday you cradle a baby girl. I bet at that point feminism may look a bit differently to you. ❤️

    • Hi friend! Thanks for saying that. And thank you for your kind words. What a beautiful thought. I think you’re right. It may look a bit different holding a baby girl of my own. Gosh, that would be an amazing day 🙂 So glad you stopped by and shared your heart 🙂 Big hugs to you xox

    • Oh Mrs. B, thank you so much for this uplifting note. Amen to that. He DOES work miracles and I don’t put it past Him! Yes! I’m filled with so much hope. thanks again. big hugs xox

  14. I”m stunned that some were offended by that post….. I thought that post was dead on and beautiful… then again , these days, all you have to do is sneeze and someone’s offended… I could not have children due to illness but I experienced motherhood and still do through my two grown up nephews and my grown up niece all if which I helped to raise… So as you know, there are many forms of motherhood and YES! That is what sets us apart.. Please don’t take the criticism to heart.. The majority of the time, the one criticizing is not happy with themselves, not you….

    • Thank you so much Robyn, for sharing your story. I am so sorry that you can so personally relate. It makes my heart happy to know that you got to be a mother to your nephews and niece. They are lucky to have such a wonderful woman in their lives. Thanks again for your encouragement. big hugs xo

  15. I don’t even know what to say. I feel your sadness. Thank you for being so open about this deeply personal and painful situation. Most often, there is more to someone’s story than most people know about. I can easily tell that you are a loving, giving woman, and maybe motherhood may look different than you thought it would. But it definitely does not decrease your worth! xx

  16. First, let me say you handle a very personal subject and obviously controversial subject … to some … with such dignity and grace seldom see by someone of your years. Quite frankly, not many far more senior would have handle it as well as you have.

    Secondly, why am I following a feminist blog? Because those who don’t open their minds to other opinions and ways of thinking will never be free of the chains that hold them back, and will always be a hostage to ignorance. So, I persevere to be free … along with I truly like your outlook and writing.

    I have never been a mother, yet I have been a single parent raising two children, a foster parent and an adoptive parent, so although I can not feel what you feel, I can understand and be empathetic. How? Because raising children has been my life.

    With all that said, other than saying you are a wonderful example of what a mother should be … and I know some who haven’t half the strength and compassion you do and you would be a great mother to any child fortunate to be adopted or mentored by you. (Here comes the professional advice) I often reminded my writers not everyone will agree with and opinion (for those who would write an occasional oped) and if they didn’t get at least one piece of hate mail from a column they wrote … they weren’t doing their jobs.

    What you don’t realize, through your words, is you have stimulated conversation on a subject, you have educated those to another way of seeing a point of view … and your “Seeing Red,” has shown you will not back down. LOOK AT ALL YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED in one blog.

    All of those emotionally charged negative comments is just another link in the chain that holds people back.

    Keep your head and chin up, heart open … and a pen and blank sheet of paper handy … and, keep on writing.

    “It is far better to live in poverty as a writer and enrich the lives of others, than it is to be a rich writer and not have impacted the life of anyone.” ~John W. Peeler

    • Hi John, thank you so much for sharing this thoughtful response. Gosh, I feel so empowered and uplifted by your words!! You are so generous with your words. Thank you!! I am seriously so touched. I think adoption is such a powerful and meaningful gift to give a child. And wow, what a beautiful family you have. thanks again for sharing this with me. have a wonderful evening xoxo

      • Thank you! You have a gift for words … let your life experiences past, present and future keep driving you … While sometime difficult, it, along with your way of writing will continue to serve you well. Wish I could have had a couple more writers like you when I was a newspaper editor. 🙂

  17. My husband and I wanted six children and asked God for them. With two little boys in our home, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer at the age of 24 and had to have a hysterectomy. We thought our dream was gone but we have always believed that God knows best. But the next year my sister began having severe heart problems and with her husband a long haul truck driver there was no one to raise her two little girls. God directed us to step into the breach. And a few years after that we were gifted with two more little boys who needed a home when their mother didn’t want them. Six children! Yes, God knows best and is faithful so keep placing your heart before Him. He can show you what He has in store and it will be awesome.

    • Oh friend, I am so sorry you’ve had to walk that health journey. But wow, isn’t God incredible in how He provides? What a beautiful family you have. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have blessed me with your words. I am so full of hope. thanks again. big hugs xox

  18. As a male, and one who is unable to carry a child (although I was present at the creation once) I don’t feel that pull to motherhood that you do. That said, I can still be sorry for you that it has worked out this way.

    I have some thoughts on the original feminism article….but that can wait for another day.
    Keep writing sister

    • Hi Jeff, thanks for this. I really appreciate your kind words. I would love to hear them! I sincerely appreciate hearing all different perspectives and ideas! thanks for stopping by and for being awesome 🙂 hugs xox

  19. Beauty for ashes & the oil of joy for mourning! Thank you so much for sharing your heart on this, it brings a whole new perspective to ED that I was not aware of (continuing to learn something new every day)!

    My wife and I were in somewhat of a similar boat; dealing with infertility for many years & grieving for the children we did not have. Praise God that He still heals today, and after 18 years He blessed us with our wonderful daughter. While my wife was healed enough for that. However, there has been much more grief following (and prior to) this as we have had to deal with numerous miscarriages since that time – a whole ‘nother type of grief…

    I pray God gives you peace and, if it is His will, ‘complete’ healing. In the meantime, it seems you are an awesome Auntie and I pray that interaction offers you solace.

    Scott P.

    • the oil of joy. I love that 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing part of your story, Scott. I’m so sorry that you and your wife can relate to this on such a personal level. What a journey the two of you have been on and my heart just goes out to you for all you have been through. But oh my gosh, I got choked up reading about how He blessed you both with your daughter! praise God! Thanks again for the encouragement and prayers. it means the world. big hugs xox

  20. Thank you for putting yourself out “there” time and again. Thank you for so thoughtfully writing this post, addressing this heartbreak which so many carry. Thank you for your deep Faith that supplies all your readers with Hope. I am so sorry for what you have born, endured in your (young) lifetime. But I am so thankful for the beauty from ashes that God has created in you. You are a beautifully feminine woman!!! May God continue to inspire and give you Words. <3

    • Thank you so much Mindy. You are so kind. Yeah, unfortunately, I know that a lot of people have to deal with journey. Yes, God can and will make beauty from the ashes. gosh, I am so touched by this. thanks again for your prayers and encouraging words. sending massive hugs xox

  21. Being vulnerable to attacks from others, when being honest is a rare quality.
    I appreciate your honesty and being so transparent,… and many can learn from that. 😊
    (Huge hugs, and lots of love)

  22. Aw man… I’m sorry to here that. Yeah, I have heard how anorexia can have an impact on fertility. But if God wants to make you a mother, He will. Motherhood isn’t just restricted to being a birth mother. It can be via fostering or adopting… Heck right now my kids are the kids I’ve been teaching through my substitute teaching job. It’s not the same as being a mother, but I have seen through all the times I have been there for the kids how they have appreciated me being there for them and guiding them. So motherhood will come to you in many different forms. That’s what I have picked up on at least…

  23. I’m going to “out” myself a little bit on this one, only because I have a strong opinion about feminism…even as “weird” as most might find me. But as a bisexual male dealing with some gender-identity issues (not my words, but it seems to describe me accurately), I disagree with the premise that giving being pregnant is anything BUT female. It’s biologic, and redefining it for other reasons and call it a right, distorts the reality (UGh….and saying this almost makes me feel guilty). But it should be honored if a woman chooses (That word “choice” is intriguing) to bare children – isn’t that as much a right as anything else?

    I think feminism has ventured FAR from what the women’s suffrage movement intended. It was supposed to qualify a woman with dignity, it was meant to ensure that women had the same rights of protection under the law as men. To claim the inherent right of life as exclusive, seems to me that there is an underserved population, based on those decisions – the rights of the unborn.

    Now, I’ll shut up…

    • Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and perspective. I truly appreciate hearing the opinions and beliefs of everyone, even if they’re different from mine. We all are coming to the table with different experiences and perspectives, and that’s how we learn and grow. And that’s how respect and understanding is born 🙂 So thank you for offering yours 🙂 big hugs to you xo (And PS: I don’t find you weird at all 🙂 )

      • I read posts like this and there is a pull at me…
        I grew up as a catholic, so the idea of life being a sanctity is still inside me…it’s a part of me. And even more so because I know my own mother was talked out of an abortion while she was carrying me.
        It hits really close to home for me.

      • Wow, I can only imagine. I just got chills reading that. Thank you so much for sharing that. I am so glad that your mom chose life 🙂 You are truly a gift to this world!!

      • Normally, I’m less subtle in begging for attention, but I wrote a piece today that I would be interested in your opinion, if you happen to have time.

        I have to admit, this post of yours today caused me to open my bible last night – something I have not done in years. my post is titled “Catholicity and My Sexuality”.

      • Oh wow, that’s so awesome! I’m so humbled that you would say that:) I will definitely check it out today and I look forward to reading your words! Hugs and love xox

  24. Bravo for your honesty. I am so sorry for the pain you are suffering from this. But you are right, the Father has a plan for you regarding motherhood and It.Is.Awesome. I don’t have the same story, but am dealing with a lot of anger and loss from my husband making the *surgical* choice (with my begrudging aquiescence as a faithful Catholic…) to put the kabosh on having more children (we have four but I was open to more). And I DO feel somewhat disenfranchised as a woman because of my loss of the experience of “new motherhood” even though I realize that is not the case. But thank you for reminding me that God is there for me as a mother through all phases.
    God bless, and I am completely on board with your brand of feminism:-)

    • It. Is. Awesome. Indeed! 🙂 thank you so much for this thoughtful reply. You’re right, God has a plan that is good, and I will trust Him. I’m sorry that you can relate on such a personal level. There really is such a biological yearning to be mothers. Deep in the fiber of our being. I’ll definitely keep you and your family in my prayers 🙂 thanks again for the encouragement. Big hugs to you xox

  25. Thank you…total grace and vulnerability mixed with a lot of wisdom and consideration that was so good for me to read today. I appreciate you sharing…

  26. I love your two posts about feminism and the backlash. I didnt see the first one until I read this one and you are spot on.

    Women in the first world dont have to deal with the actual opression females in the third world endure — rape, spousal abuse being the norm, denial of education, FGM… the list goes on.

    I have to say it — in that respect women in the first world are downright spoled in that respect.

    And your commentary about a woman’s purpose struck me hard; I have hashimotos hypothyroidism (autoimmune disease where my body is attacking my thyroid) and my chances of becoming pregnant and staying pregnant are not that great. As a woman, our ability to produce life is precious. And when your told you may not be able to have children, it really puts things into perspective.

    Final note — knowing what kind of woman to be in the first world is difficult in that it seems every action or decision is scrutinized and criticized… and the people doing the criticising are other women. Women should lift each other up and be supportive. I see this all the time working in a female majority office — there is so much pettymongering, jealousy, personalization, and backstabbing. Seriously I just made a post about these two women being offended/annoyed at me getting up and using the fax machine…

    Cant make this up lol.

    If anything is keeping other women down, it’s not the “patriarchy”, its other women.

    Thank you for these two posts and your perspective. Dont let the negative comments bother you too much. You continue being the best person you can be and enjoy life without worring about the opinions of others.

    Hugs from afar and have a great rest of your night!

    • Thank you so much for this beautiful reflection. I am absolutely standing and cheering! You’re so right! Women need to lift other women up! What truth in that! And thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that this hits home with you so personally. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. thanks for this awesome response and for taking the time to read my words! big hugs xox

  27. I am so sorry to hear that. Which is a really strange thing to say when you stop and think about it. It can be misinterpreted as “Gah! Why’d you tell me that??” (which, believe me, is completely NOT the case here).

    Sorry. Slight side track.

    All the same, I am sorry for your loss. But you never can tell what the future (and God) may hold for you. I’m hoping for all the best because you deserve it. 🙂

      • Thanks for the hugs! I have four daughters, aged 21 – 12. I follow your blog and send them posts from time to time because I want them to see that an authentic life, faithful to the teaching Church, is the fullest manifestation of sanctification. As St. Irenaeus said: “The glory of God is man fully alive.” I also send your posts to friends who teach young ladies at a local school. Know that your witness means a lot to many people, even if they don’t thank you or find the time to express their appreciation. Keep up the positive energy and continue your striving toward the good, the true, and the beautiful. May God continue to reward your efforts to do something consciously by elevating your own being into greater conformity with the glorious life of Our Savior. Peace!

      • Oh my gosh, I am so touched that you would send them to your daughters and friends! wow, i am just — so grateful 🙂 thank you again! This made my day 🙂 Thanks for the prayers. know that you and your daughters are in mine too 🙂 xox

  28. Bless you sis for your courage, your vulnerability and your heart to “bare” it all and stand ‘naked’ before others. As you mourn over what may never be, take heart to know that as God reminded me in worship a few weeks ago, He is still the God of miracles! He can and does bring fruitfulness out of things and circumstances that seem barren or hopeless in such beautiful ways. Praying that He does an “Ephesians 3:20 blessing” in your life and that all things will work together for your good and His glory. ❤️

    • Thank you friend. Yeah, perhaps it’s a little crazy to share this kind of stuff on the internet! yikes! haha Yes! The tis so true – He can do the impossible. So I’m going to give Him the chance to do that! Thanks for this awesome encouragement. I am so uplifted. Thanks for the prayers. hugs xox

  29. You and I are similar. I have a disease and disorder that makes it hard to bear children because of the complications. I don’t want to go into it here, but I understand. You can message me if you ever need a friend. We have a different plan by God than most women. Nothing wrong with that.

    • Hi Stiina, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that you can relate so personally. You’re right, a different plan , but a good plan. We can cling to that truth. 🙂 Thanks again for the kind words. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. big hugs to you xox

  30. I love reading your honest words, the words that straight from the deepest point of your heart. It saddens me that you have to defend yourself. This is your blog, your words, feelings. This is a piece of you – raw, honest, and beautiful. This is your journey, your healing path. And you do not ever need permission to share you. If someone does not agree, it is their right, but it is YOUR right to share a part of yourself. But, it is not their right to bash you for your feelings.

    It’s ironic that people feel “offended” by things but have no problem attacking someone else with the excuse that they are exercising their freedom of speech, or that they are responding because they they were offended. Gone are the times where people acted like grownups and just move on.

    Don’t allow someone else’s shortcomings to dim your light. Continue to shine brightly and beautifully. You are inspiring to many.

    • Oh thank you so much. That’s really kind of you say. Yeah, I definitely agree. can’t let these things get me down. And I agree, that is rather ironic. I guess that’s what I get for putting my feelings on the internet! haha thanks again for your encouragement and support. big hugs to you xox

  31. You and are the same in many ways. I was anorexic for many years. I had fertility problems, immune problems etc. Let me just say that this very heartfelt and right on the money. I can relate. I must say if you catch up on my stories, you’ll find that I have very​ motherly experiences and 8 kids. . not one bilogical. Yet there is not one doubt in my mind that each of those children were meant to be mine. They just took another route to get to me. At times, I have felt less than because of my female problems but have also realized that God doesn’t see me as less than in any way. ❤️
    I’ve doing a daily blog. Please check it out and give me some feedback. Much love and respect. H

    • Hi Sadi, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry that you can relate so personally. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. And wow – 8 children. That’s so beautiful. congratulations. That’s so true – and how special how your children came home. God is so good. I am so encouraged by this. And you’re right – definitely not “less than!” You are a jewel of great worth 🙂 cheesy but true. and you know what…i like cheesy 🙂 hehe Looking forward to read it! hugs xx

  32. Every time you share more I discover more about what a beautiful treasure to this world you are! Love light and hugs every day! Thank you for being you. You are amazing and incredible in ways that many will never reach. You touch me deeply and I am honored.

  33. Good Evening,

    I think it’s sad you have to explain yourself to people who clearly didn’t care to ask why you said what you said. It’s funny how folks will jump up to attack someone they know nothing about for saying something that they clearly did not understand. I find this most sickening.

    I feel similarly to you but I don’t talk about it because I know people won’t understand and unfortunately no matter how much you explain, nothing you say can make people hear–truly hear what you are saying.

    About feminism…Feminism, to me, is subjective. It’s not about hating men it’s about having universal gender equality. For many women, it’s simply about being able to express themselves without being judged. Unfortunately, when expressing our thoughts we quickly come to the discovery that some women are just as perverse as hyper agressive males. They will attempt to silence you just as quickly and claim that they’re just trying to have a conversation.

    So basically, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

    Keep expressing yourself. It’s a good thing. And also, there is a woman I know of who hadn’t had her period in years. She ate flax seeds a lot. That seemed to fix that problem. I’m not sure if it will work for you. I’m not a doctor or anything. Just telling you what I’ve heard.

    Kyanna K.

    • Thank you so much Kyanna. I really appreciate your kind words. And that’s a really great perspective. Thanks for sharing those thoughts. I honestly love hearing different insights and ideas. i always learn so much from other people. so thank you for contributing to the conversation! really!!! flax seeds!!!! I’ll pick some up first thing tomorrow morning!!! hugs xox

      • Yes! Homemade flax crackers are great. You can top them with all sorts of yummy goods. Peanut butter and honey or fruit jelly. You can make them savory. You can make them sweet. You can use the flax as a garnish. So many different things you can do with it! You’re such a sweetheart! Hugs!

      • Oh gosh, you’re making my mouth water! haha My mom puts some ground flax in her protein shake in the morning! I’ll have to give them a try! thanks again! i feel like this flax addition could be BIG! 🙂 haha sending much much love xoxo

  34. I’ll give you a man’s perspective. My wife was a registered nurse and gave up being one to bear children. It didn’t take much to get her pregnant as we testified to with Irish Twins (11 sos apart). Along the way she became pregnant 5 times but only succeeded in having three live born kids. She mourned the two miscarriages as though they were full term. She was the essence of womanhood. Besides being a mother, a nurse, a sportsman, a jokester, she was kind, loving, brave, and a fashion plate too. She endured the disfiguration of a mastectomy at age forty, and then later survived a heart attack at age 63. She cared for a diabetic son, and nursed her oldest son back to health fear a terrible accident. Between all of that she put up with me, and made me feel like I was the most important person on the planet. If one does not call her a feminist, then I don’t know what feminism is.

    • wow, Joe. Thank you so much for sharing this. what an amazing woman. And that gives me so much hope. I’m so sorry to hear about the miscarriages the two of you had to journey through. I can only imagine the heartache and pain. i’m sending such big hugs. And thank you again for lifting my spirits. You are so good 🙂 xoxo

  35. I love you. Hugs!!! I wish I was ten years younger, I would totally surrogate for you. But there are many beautiful babies to adopt when that time comes. God will provide as He loves to do. I love you!

    • Oh tonya, you are so kind, thank you so much. Yes, He will. I fully believe that. He can do the impossible and works all things together for good. Thanks for your encouragement. big hugs xox

  36. That was definitely from the heart and hard to say, others take for-granted their parenthood stay strong

    • Aw, thank you girlie. Yeah, it’s so weird to say it out loud. Because honestly, I have lived knowing this, really my whole adult life. And it has been something that I’ve had to come to terms with, but I guess it has shaped who I am in more ways than I realize. I do have so much hope though. Because it’s not the end of the story. If it were, it would be really sad, but it is just the beginning of one. And I’m excited to see how God writes the rest of it 🙂 Thank you for your kind words. You are truly a blessing to me! hope you have a great weekend. sending jumbo hugs xxox

  37. This post is an eye-opener. Not for one second did I ever believe that you meant to offend anyone with your post on feminism. You don’t seem to be that kind of a person, I see you as a person with a heart of gold. With that being said, God will light your path with regard to your having children in your life and I wish only the best for you. XOXOXO – Annebella

    • Thank you so much Annebella. I am really touched by your encouraging words. I do believe that God can turn the darkness into light! He can do all things 🙂 Thanks for being so amazing. big big hugs xox

  38. Loved your post.. Seeing Red… Thank you for sharing your thoughts, your heart, your loss and most of all your faith that God is the God who cherishes life, love and all of our hopes and dreams. After all, He is the giver of life…and the desires of our hearts!

    • Thank you so much – The Giver of Life – yes! I had forgotten about that name, but it really hits home with me. I know it’s kind of silly, but there’s something about all the different names for God that really resonate with me at different times and speak to my soul. Like, Author of Live, or Word made Flesh or Prince of Peace, etc. I had forgotten about Giver of Life, and well, it really works in this particular situation! thanks for the encouragement. big hugs xox

    • Thank you so much Victoria. You are so kind to say that. I do believe that — that God will be there, and that He has a good and perfectly timed plan. i just need to trust and cling to that hope. thanks again. big hugs xox

  39. Amazing and vulnerable post. Don’t give up hope.
    I might catch hell for saying this but God has taught me how to deal with the spiritual roots of a lot of issues that once delt with bring very quick and even immediate physical healing. If you are interested, send me an email. At the very least I can encourage you and point you in the right direction.

    May God’s favor rest on you today.

    • Oh thank you so much! You’re right, I’ve gotta cling to that hope. Wow, it sounds like God has really moved in your life. that is so awesome 🙂 He is good!! Thanks again for the encouragement. big big hugs xox

  40. I’m sorry you had so many hurtful responses on your other post. Unfortunately there are always going to be people who disagree with someone else.
    I think I speak for the majority of people when I say I support you and I hope your life starts getting easier.

    • Hi Colin, thank you so much for your kind words and support. You’re right, I should expect then when I put my opinion out on the internet! haha Thank you for this. big hugs xo

  41. My dear friend,

    Even if it is not in your fate to have children, then nevertheless you bring life into the world with your beautiful heart. The purpose of life is not just getting children and the children later are getting again children (this is a kind of loop, a merry-go-round that does not bring really sense and purpose into life). However, to discover the mysteries of life and death to find the key to open us for wider spiritual horizons that will bear fruit. Then our longing for truth, love and God will be pregnant with it – some day to give birth to new a truth – to bring real life into the world with the language of your heart.

    Thank you, dear friend 🙂
    Hugs from heart to heart

    • Hi Didi, oh thank you so much for this beautiful response. you are always so generous with your kindness. it means so much. You’re so right. We need to seek His face and the mysteries of life and death — i like that. I’ve never thought of it like that before, but that is such an awesome perspective. that really resonated with me. thank you for sharing that. big hugs from my heart to yours 🙂 xox

  42. You are courageous. And you have the right to own your personal vision of feminism, motherhood, womanhood. It’s yours to fill in any way that fits in your heart <3

  43. Anytime you offer thoughts to the public – risk and reward are present. I believe you handled your feelings with grace, and their feelings with grace. You didn’t get nasty or call names and I commend you for that. I also love the strength you’ve found out of the darkness, and you are likely leading and mothering more people than you know. Thank you for taking a risk and sharing. 💜

  44. Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

    I think that this post and your previous post are courageous and beautiful. They are the post of a woman who is not afraid to be a woman.

    I do not understand people who are not pro life. How can anyone be pro death. You are either one or the other and I choose life. I do not condemn any woman who has had an abortion. That act will be a burden that woman carries forever. But that is not what I want to write about at this moment. I am a man. Men have overwhelming urges to fix things, including people. Thus, the maleness in me demands that I encourage you to discuss your infertility with a fertility specialist. There are many things that can be done to treat your condition. One of my relatives had a similar problem and with the help of a fertility specialist she conceived and derived a healthy baby. This may not be possible for you which leaves the option one of my cousins took: adoption. She now has two beautiful adopted children that we all consider as much family as any “blood relative”.

    Having said the above, I encourage you to remember God’s word given in Matthew 19:26: With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

    You are absolutely correct: the most feminine thing a woman can do is to have a child. To date, no man has ever had a baby. Men and women are equal but not the same. God does not love men more than women or women more than men. He made them to be complementary. Some men stay home and raise the children. I have a brother-in-law who does this. I have had other male friends who have done this; however, no man has ever birthed a baby. In a way women are more versatile than men. Men can take care of children, even babies, but they cannot have them or breast feed them. I once heard a renowned founder of the feminist movement say that she did not fight for women to be free from pregnancy, house keeping, and being a mommy; but, rather she fought for women to have the choice to do this. In other words, she thought that liberating women meant giving them the choice to be a factory foreman or a stay at home mom, the choice to have children or not. Being a feminist, to this woman, did not mean rejecting motherhood, it meant choice. Not choice as in to have an abortion but choice in determining one’s own destiny (I suspect that this woman would have supported abortion on demand but she did not discuss this in the talk I heard).

    Not all women are able to have children. You may be in this group. (But, I want you to see a fertility specialist to determine whether medicine can offer you hope!!!!!) However, infertility does not diminish your status as a child of God. Infertility may be the thorn in your side.

    Even if I wanted to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will credit me with more than he sees in me or hears from me, or with these surpassingly great revelations. So to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.… 2 Corinthians 12: 6-8

    We are never told whether God removed the thorn from Paul’s side. We are only told what God said to Paul:

    “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

    Paul then tells us:

    Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
    2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

    You have your thorn. You have born the insults of presenting a Christian view of feminism. Take on the strength of Christ. See an infertility specialist. Consider adoption. Unleash your mothering through your writing. Use your thorn to glorify Christ. Do what you can do.

    Delight in insults, hardships and persecutions undertaken for Jesus. Remember, it is not all about you, it is all about Him. Sill, pour your sorrow into His well and He will return to you living waters, He will sooth your troubled soul. Just as Jesus wept (John 11: 35) for Lazarus , and He weeps for you. He understands your pain.

    You are not barren unless you choose to be. You may not birth a child but being barren is a choice. If you continue to follow Jesus’ last commandment you will not be barren.

    “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must llove one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” —John 13:34–35 (KJV)

    Do this and your life will flow out into others and you will have brothers and sisters and spiritual children. This may be where God wants you to use your mothering talents; but, do not give up on fertility. If you still have a uterus and ovaries you must remember Philippians 4:13:
    I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

    Do not give up hope. Yet again I tell you:
    With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

    • With God all things are possible. Amen to that, Oogata. Thanks for sharing these beautiful verse with me. it really means a lot. Your encouragement and prayers are so appreciated. big hugs xox

  45. I understand this pain. I was told at 19 after a miscarriage that I had been rendered sterile due to the circumstances around it. For a long time I resented God, the universe, and everything because of it. Doesn’t matter that the doctor was either wrong or I’ve been blessed with healing no one expected to happen. I struggled with it for years as a result and I was prepared to look into adoption, but 5 pregnancies later I have 3 boys. My cousin wasn’t so lucky and she has often expressed to me similar feelings you have shared in this post. It always saddens me to hear this and know it will be different for her. It saddens me to know it’s different for you too.

    I know this might not make sense to anyone else, but this is why I’m pro-choice. The choice needs to go both ways. When I miscarried I felt the choice was robbed from me. Now I’m Bipolar and have become aware that around the world people are sterilized against their will due to mental disorders. Their right to choose is being robbed from them. Yes, these issues are connected and are related. Like I said, the choice needs to go both ways. No one should have the legal right to make those choices for you.

    Years after my miscarriage, trauma brought me to a place where I had to make that choice. I don’t regret the decision I made but I do resent the circumstances around the it. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, but I’m grateful I live somewhere that the choice was available to me.

    • Oh friend, I am so sorry that you can relate on such a personal level. It just breaks my heart to read the journey you’ve had to walk. But gosh, praise God that you have your boys. Gosh, that just makes me tear up a little bit. I am so happy for you. And thank you for sharing your perspective. Everyone’s experiences shape their beliefs, and I definitely respect that. so glad you stopped by. big hugs to you xo

      • I don’t think any of us that have experienced this pain would ever wish it upon anyone else. So far I haven’t met anyone that would at least. I do believe God has a plan for you – just as He did when you came home to your family. We might not see it or understand it, but it’s there waiting for us to find it. <3

  46. In the Gospel accounts in Lent we have heard so much of Jesus seeking out those who need healing – for me all of us are in this place at some point in our lives.

    The message for me is about Jesus making us whole again simply with his love and forgiveness.

    I believe all are called to do “a definite service” and are born to do whatever God has planned us to do. Your journey is special and unique, even with the crosses to carry or the unexpected challenges you face.

    Thanks for being brave, honest and open with sharing the journey and your faith mad trust in God. I guess that’s what discipleship is all about.

    Love & prayers x

    • Thank you so much Rob. I can’t begin to express how much I appreciate your prayers and encouragement. Yes! His love and forgiveness are incredibly healing. Thanks for this. it really resonated with me. hugs xox

  47. I haven’t read your “feminism” post yet – work has been overwhelming as of late – however I will give it a go soon! I have two children of my own, but can no longer bear children due to brain tumors that affected certain other body functions (i.e. menstruation), so although our situations aren’t identical, I can sympathize. And I understand grieving and yearning – my understanding goes into great depths! – for things – passions! – that the Lord has placed in my heart, but has not brought to fruition yet. I’m growing weary trying to be patient, but I know God is good, and He holds me in the palm of His hand! He holds you, too! He loves you and not only wants the best for you, He KNOWS what’s best for you! Find comfort in His goodness and unfailing love (and in knowing you are not alone)!

  48. Amen. Truly God does make beauty from ashes with all who call out on the Lord Jesus with a pure heart of faith. And you my friend are His. God is blessing you and others through you and your gifted words. Press on sister!

  49. Caralyn, I’ve been following your posts for quite some time and I gotta say to you with a genuine heart that you have a beautiful soul. Cherish it, continue to let God in it. This recent post tells me how courageous you are! The struggles you embrace make you a living saint. From a fellow Catholic, I will include you in my prayers. God bless!

    • Hey there friend. Oh my gosh, you are seriously so kind. thank you. You’re right, I’ve got to keep inviting God into my heart every day. And thank you so much for your prayers. Know that you are also in mine 🙂 you are a blessing to me. big hugs xox

  50. Wow.

    I did not know this about you. It’s understandable, though.

    I’m a big fan of adoption. There are a lot of unwanted children out there, and a lot of children who are born to parents who can’t take care of them. I have a wonderful niece and nephew* (twins) who are adopted, yet they fit right in to our family and it has never been an issue. I know a little bit about why their bio-mom gave them up for adoption, and they certainly are a lot better off than if they had stayed with their bio-mom.

    *technically first cousins once removed, not niece and nephew, but it’s easier to say sometimes

    • Thanks so much Pi 🙂 You’re so generous with your encouragement. it means seriously, so much. I agree – adoption is such a beautiful thing, and I look forward to doing that one day, if it by His will! And thanks for sharing that about your niece and nephew. What an awesome thing. thanks for stopping by. have a great weekend. big hugs xx

  51. Miss Caralyn,

    You are brave to tell that statement you have with motherhood. And I agree with you, bearing a child is indeed one a character only a female could possess, and it shouldn’t be suppressed. No, not at all. I am pro-life too, and at some point, I’ve declared to myself that I am a feminist. Like Emma Watson, Emily Ratajkowski, Maya Angelou and alot more. But feminism is real confusing. The topic you had was really controversial, and I’d like to commend you for your bravery to stand up with your point. Wow. You’re easily becoming an icon for me. Keep on keeping Miss Caralyn, Ill pray for you. Hope to meet you someday. God bless!

    Tessa Jane Palmiano

    • Thank you so much Tessa. Gosh, what a kind thing to say. I am so touched by your words. You’re right, there are so many different aspects of feminism. It can be confusing! hahah oh gosh, you’re funny. Thank you for your prayers and support. I would love to grab a coffee one day if you’re ever in NYC! 🙂 Thanks again for your kindness. big hugs xox

  52. I think it’s really great you’ve responded to your previous post on feminism, particularly on the topic above. I was one of the people who commented on the motherhood aspect, although I very much hope I wasn’t one of the people who was nasty at all about it.

    Having explained it as you have, I feel I understand much better where you are coming from. So thank you for this.

    It’s probably worth bearing in mind that as a rule of thumb, people’s reactions to controversial issues generally say more about them than about the person they are responding to.

    For example, I wrote how I’ve never felt maternal or wanted children. I hope my response didn’t come across too negatively, but my response came from years of negative responses from others for not wanting children, and so this is a sore spot for me. I have even had a family member say that God gave us these bodies therefore basically it is one of our purposes on earth to bear children, as women. She said I would change my mind one day, when I met the right guy. I am in my 30s and feel no different. It was very hurtful and upsetting. So my reaction to your post came with a lot of my own baggage. Others posts would have too.

    It was very brave of you to share your story of how your anorexia has affected you, in terms of your fertility. I too am in recovery from anorexia but I also suffer from the incurable autoimmune disease system lupus (SLE). For me it was my diagnosis at 21 that finally triggered the full blown anorexia.

    So thank you again for your continued courage and openess. I am sure you will find a way of honouring those loving maternal feelings you have; you clearly have a fighting spirit, so I don’t doubt you will find a way.

    Take care of yourself, Natalie

    • Hi Natalie, thank you so much for this thoughtful response. No no not at all! I loved our dialogue on that post! And honestly, I love hearing people’s journeys and insights and perspectives. Gosh, I’m so sorry that our stories relate on so many levels. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. those AI diseases are no joke. Thanks again for sharing your heart. you are a blessing to me 🙂 big big hugs xox

  53. I really admire you for being so brave and so honest on this truth of your personal life, your personal struggle and personal disappointment. I thank you for your genuine hope and a very strong faith on how powerful God is and on what He can do amazingly in your personal battle. Please do not lose hope and keep your light shine. Thanks for inspiring a woman like me.

  54. I tried to understand ED through you. Rather than read everything. I’m sorry. Before my divorce, I put my kids to bed. Every night for like five years. You can’t put that, in a divorce decree. I feel that hole maybe it’s um, similar to what you feel. I hope you find someone NY is big, maybe they’re stuck in Buffalo. It’s easy to get stuck there.

    • Hey Kenzie, oh that breaks my heart to hear that you can relate so personally. I’m sorry about that. I’m sure that that time is also a missing hole in their hearts too. Maybe. Yeah, Buffalo…could be 🙂 thanks for sharing that. sending lots and lots of love xox

      • You did, bring your purpose to Feminism. Maybe, the fuss is over projected meaning from media. Protests use extremes as much as conservatives use extremes an example is Trump’s plan to annihilate all Muslims. That’s a billion people, a little extreme and goes against the religious freedom granted by our Constitution. A conservative left protest is the million woman March. It looked great on television but needed more meaning to be effective long term. I grew up with my native tribe’s stories of persecution and near genocide by the emerging American government. That should put me far far left but, I had to assimilate because there was no other way. The path of the Indian was removed to make way for strip malls and, progress. To choose a side always leaves someone out. Progress is creating something that can benefit everyone. Our current way of progress is not like this.

      • To choose a side always leaves someone out…wow. when you put it that way, it really hits hard. gosh, lots to think about. thank you for sharing this. makes you look at shopping malls differently too … hugs xox

  55. Well done on writing so honestly and openly. I think you’ve responded well to two challenges. The first is when we as humans want a different agenda and different priorities to God’s. We see things that God values as of less value. N.b there are a lot of things men see as the marks of success that are not too. The other is to reject the good of something when it isn’t immediately available to us. That God puts marriage and then children at the heart of the creation blessing is hard when either of those don’t seem possible to me personally but when we see Gods plan for all of us as his children to be included in his blessing with the church as his bride then there is hope.

    • Thanks Dave. That’s kind of you to say. You’re so right, His blessings are poured out to us, and sometimes we don’t recognize them because they may not look like the cookie cutter version of what we think they should be. But His plans are always good. thanks for sharing that awesome perspective. big hugs xx

  56. Also meant to mention a book tip “The Essence of Feminism by Kirsten Birkett. Hope it’s available in the US but great evaluation from an Evangelical former feminist

  57. Thanks for being brave and sharing this. You are so true… Motherhood takes on many forms. I am an adoptive mother and also have special friends who are like second moms to my children and they are better because of them. Love and prayers to you!!

  58. My heart just cried for your pain. And for another young woman I know who walked in shoes similar to yours. I did not know this aspect of the disease. I do know my cousin, who also battled this, has two boys from her body, so yes..there is hope. And miracles. Blessings.

    • Oh Kris, thank you so much my friend. Oh wow thank you for sharing that. Yes. Here is hope. And I 100% believe in miracles and that God is capable of working one for me. Thanks again for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

  59. I’ve just been over to your Feminism post to see what the fuss is about.

    Wow, 536 replies! How do you find the time to read them all? But I guess with so many folk reading your blog, you are bound to get those who either oppose your views or misunderstand what you are trying to say.

    Sorry to hear about the infertility issue – did you lose your hair aswell?

    Yes you are right that there are several options available to you including divine healing and I’m sure your future husband will be the perfect one to understand what you are going through, then you can have the joy, yes joy of making that decision together.

    Oh Caralyn, I do really hope that he’s one of your regular followers so that you will have less explaining to do when you finally meet him. I am sure he probably is out there, silently reading your posts and praying for the right time to introduce himself. You are very beautiful and I’m sure your lovely face must have attracted a suitable suitor by now…God has a funny way of planning stuff like that when we are totally unaware of what he’s up to! 😉

    • Thank you so much Sharon. You’re so kind to encourage me like that! Gosh, that gives me so much hope (and a bit of a stomach ache!!) to think of my future husband reading my posts! Haha but God works in amazing and mysterious ways! And thanks. Yes I did lose my hair as well. So grateful that it grew back in with gusto! Haha Hugs and love xox

  60. So sorry you’re going through this… I know what it’s like, and it’s too complex for me to go into on the comments thread here… but I feel I understand…

  61. You are a light in a world that is becoming darker. Baring your soul may attract pain but you lift this old man’s spirit, although the post on your father at once shamed me and lifted me. Thank you Caralyn.

  62. I clicked ‘like’ not because I like the content/news in this post, exactly, but because I like the heart that wrote it. You’re a brave woman, and teaching us how to mourn is itself a gift.

  63. It can’t be denied that being able to bring forth life, is an integral part of the female experience, but I’m not sure if a biological connection is everything? Fortunately unconditional love has the capacity to move beyond even the biological and based on your experience it makes perfect sense that you value the ultimate gift known as “life”

    Thank you for being bold enough to share such a personal story because for every person that may be “offended” by your words,equally there are people who are “inspired” by your truth.

    • Thank you so much Tyrone. I really appreciate that. I do believe that love knows no boundaries, that’s for sure:) thanks for stopping by and for your encouragement. Hugs and love xox

  64. Beautifully and honestly written! It also reminds me that I need to realize that people may not be saying or writing things to offend me but as a result of very real hurt and loss.

    • Thanks so much Mike. You’re so kind to say that. you’re right, i think every person’s actions and words are a reflection of their experiences, which shape their beliefs. thanks for stopping by! hugs xo

  65. You are one of the people who give me great joy to be living right now. My first response was to have been “Oh crap Caralyn!” And then I realised that was my response – not yours. You cause me to pause and consider what lies beneath in each of us. And that is a rare gift. I am grandparent to an adopted wee lad. Biology is reproduction – and not to be dismissed. But nor should love and life. As you write so beautifully.
    So forgive me an “Oh crap” on your behalf. Even if only makes just me feel a bit better. ((hugs))

    • Hi friend 🙂 Oh my gosh, you are just so kind. thank you 🙂 wow. I am sincerely humbled and touched by the generosity in your words. You’re right – love and life should not be dismissed. I think adoption is a beautiful expression of that love, and gift of life. I love this powerful perspective. thanks again for sharing it with me. big hugs xox

  66. I have just started in the blog world and in doing so stumbled into your site. I am slowly getting caught up on your life. I love this post AND the post on feminism. If there is one subject that makes me want to break my no-political talk rule, it is that one… Yes, somehow feminism has become political. (I agree with so much of your stance.)
    I also agree that God has a way of providing… He will make sure your heart is full (if you let him).

    • Hi Amanda, welcome to the wonderful world of blogging! haha, yeah, i usually have a no-political talk rule too ,but i just couldn’t resist. Thanks for this thoughtful reply! big hugs xo

  67. There is strength, courage, honor, faith, and hope in your response. Thank you for setting the bar high as a writer. The positivity of faith and strength of love came through in your words.

    While bearing children is a uniquely female calling and contribution to life and the Kingdom of God, the female role and contribution is rich and deep beyond even child-bearing. It takes both female and male to completely bear the image of our God; the richness and fullness of that image is found in the expression of both. There is divine strength, wisdom, beauty, tenderness, power, glory, and so much more that is uniquely the female aspect of the image. Indeed, women are the crown of creation, and yes, motherhood is the essence of womankind. And there is so much more that goes with the role and honor of giving life.

    May our God meet you in the mourning of the loss. There are strengths and gifts you have found, unique and divinely sourced, that you evidence time and again in your writing. I celebrate these when I read your posts.

    • Thank you so much for this kind and thoughtful response. You’re right, there is so much more to being female than “just” bearing life. You’re right. 🙂 And gosh, I am so touched by your words. Thank you for your prayers and support. it means the world. massive hugs to you xox

  68. My heart was heavy reading your post. I too struggle with the pain of infertility. I maybe never be able to have a child of my own and that weighs down me. Sometimes I feel in a dark mood.

    It hurts to see women stomp all over mothers and the ability to have children like it’s nothing special. They offend me when they act like it’s no big deal. It’s a very big deal if it’s something you can’t have.

    The longing and the pain of feeling betrayed by one’s own body.

    These women don’t understand, don’t even seem to want to try to understand, the agony of infertility and how badly we wish our bodies would work. Infertility is a knife lodged in the heart, and the ache never leaves.

    Sometimes I wonder what my child would have looked like if he had been born.

    The ability to be a mother is an ability that should be cherished because not all women are so blessed to possess it.

    • Hi Mara, oh thank you so much for sharing your heart. I’m sorry that you can relate to this so personally, and please know that my heart and prayers are with you. That’s so true. It is a gift that should be cherished. Gosh, I’m sending you the biggest hugs right now. thank you for sharing this with me. sending all my love. xoxox

  69. I find your posts so refreshing. Your honesty. Your vulnerability. I appreciate how you speak your truth without fear of backlash. Being Pro-Life does not mean you are anti-feminist. I struggle with feeling the need to defend my position every day because of my pro-life views.
    My heart goes out to you for the physical effects of your battle with anorexia. How wonderful it is that we can put our faith in God – the great Physician – and know that by His stripes, we were healed. I believe that God will give you the desires of your heart – in whatever form – especially since I like to think that motherhood is pretty high on his priority list.
    Blessings to you! 🙂

    • Oh Haley, thank you so much. What a kind note. I really appreciate your encouragement. Thanks for that – you’re right, we really can put our faith in Him. and the great Physician! I love that name for Him! so hopeful! thanks for stopping by! big hugs xox

  70. Thanks for the super honest post! I hope your body can still be healed, and whether or not this happens, I hope motherhood happens for you.
    I remember all the crazy backlash Joss Whedon faced because Black Widow mourned her infertility in Age of Ultron. It was astonishing how vicious some of the attacks were for many reasons, but the primary one was simply the biological reality: only women can birth babies.
    I cannot, for the life of me, understand why people downplay this incredible reality.

    • Thanks Lee, I really appreciate that. I hope so too. And you’re right, motherhood, when you really think about it, is pretty miraculous. and awesome! thanks for the encouragement. big hugs xox

  71. Thank you for sharing. A couple thoughts: First, so long as you are presenting your position in a respectful manner, coming from a place of authenticity, and devoid of spite for those who disagree, no one should feel entitled to demean you. In the current divisive, highly polarized environment in which we’re living, I’ve found that when we’re able to engage in rational, measured, authentic dialogue with those “across the aisle” from us, we almost always find more points of agreement than of disagreement. To quote Kurt Vonnegut: “Please — a little less love, and a little more common decency.”

    Second, and related to the first point, I would point out that many, if not all, issues which appear binary are actually not. A coin does *not* have two sides. It has three. When flipping a coin there is a non-zero probability that it will land on its third side — its edge. We forget about the edges when we’re dealing with coins. Until someone’s coin becomes a cylinder. And then a rod, so that there’s only a tiny probability of it landing on one of its ends. What you have done here is remind us that, like us, you have an edge, and that it bears acknowledgement.

    • Hi John, thank you so much for this thoughtful reply. This offered some really great food for though. you’re right, i think if we look hard enough, we will find common ground, even in the most divisive of issues, and therein lies the ope 🙂 And I love that image of the edge of a coin! i love that! Here’s to the edge!! 🙂 thanks again. big hugs xo

  72. Thanks for your bravery, your honesty, and for being real. And since I know that your anorexia was a symptom of a greater trauma (Though I don’t know what it was) my heart goes out to you even more. I hope you have been able to share that with people who have the wisdom to truly help. God’s richest and best to you!!

  73. How beautiful. My heart knows that God has incredible, amazing, and overwhelming future in store for you. Be encouraged, what lies ahead of you is far better than what is behind – the best is coming. The sun is rising – and it’s beautiful.

    • Wow, Lea. This is so uplifting and encouraging. thank you so much. it absolutely touches my heart. Yes – the sun is rising. God is good. And i will trust in Him. Thanks again. big hugs xox

  74. Oh, I wish I could just give you a big hug! The fact that you were so willing to share this on an incredibly large platform is inspiring to me. I’m so glad that you are clinging onto the truth that God is still good even though He isn’t going to allow you to experience the gift of conceiving and birthing a child. God does allow other ways to be a mother, and I’m soooo glad you recognize that. 🙂

  75. You are courageous. In the face of backlash, to not step aside from your convictions is brave. To not retaliate is strength. Keep your head held high, and may God shine his countenance upon you always.

  76. This was a great post with some eye opening perspectives on the effects of anorexia. Thank you for sharing what was probably not your first impulse to share.
    Good luck in your journey for motherhood, in any form. That’s also a great sentiment! You go girl! I agree with your paragraph on feminism. We want to be equal but what does that really mean? We can’t really ever be equal in the sense your comparing apples to oranges. We have to know what we’re asking for in equality.
    Great post!!

    • thank you so much!! I really appreciate the encouragement. I agree – i think it all comes down to love and respect for every person. thanks for taking the time to read and respond! big hugs to you xox

  77. I think one of the hardest (and most frustrating) things about being a writer is: interpretation. You can pour everything you’ve got into what you write, but sometimes people take what you’ve written and turn it around to mean something else. Either way, I’m glad you found the courage to share something so painful. The fact that you allow yourself to be transparent and write the pieces you do is inspiring. I am tearful with a heavy heart for you, but I also have lots of joy as well. You are an amazing woman of faith and I pray God continues to use you to uplift and encourage others through the pain. There are so many woman that can relate to this–I plan to feature this piece in my church’s newsletter today. 🙂 Love you sis, take care and God bless.

    • That’s so true! in writing, everything is subjective and open to interpretation. Thanks so much for your encouraging words and prayers. I really appreciate that. And wow! I am so honored that you would share this with your church! my gosh, I am so touched 🙂 thanks again! big hugs to you xox

  78. Hi, I am truly sorry to hear that you have gone through such a difficult journey with your body, your soul, your mind and motherhood. I cannot imagine what that journey has been like. I still have my concerns when we take a personal experience and then apply it to women as a whole. I am still concerned that “feminine power” is an essentialized understanding of what a woman is. I am still concerned that this understanding of what a woman is limits our appreciation of the diversity of female (or rather, HUMAN) experience. Having said all that, I truly hope that you do not take this comment as a criticism of you personally. I often find that conversing with opposite opinions is the best way to learn and articulate our own positions. I have learned a lot from your blog and I am a happy subscriber who loves reading your content and learning from your perspective. I hope you learn from my perspective as well! Sending lots of love to you!

    • Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I really appreciate it, and I also really appreciate how eloquently and respectfully you express yourself! which i know is kinda weird to say, but I fully agree with you, that having an open and respectful dialogue is the best way to learn and foster understanding! So I love it too!! 🙂 And thanks for your kind words about my blog, too. I hope that you’re having a great afternoon. seeing big hugs xo