Tipsy Typing

I’m writing this post after two vodka/sodas.

And if you know anything about me, then you know…I am properly pissed.

#LightweightForLife

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I actually have never written a tipsy blog post before. Believe it or not, even the Feminism post was written stone cold sober.

Stone Cold Steve Austin…I wonder what that dude is up to now…

*Googles*…


Welp, apparently he’s doing a reality TV show now, called Redneck Island and just bought a mini mansion in Marina Del Ray. Shocker there…

Anyway. Enough about wrestling.

I just want to get married before I get smile lines.

I heard my three year old niece talk about her future husband today….that made me feel pretty…oh, I don’t know…like a spinster cat lady.

I looked at her and said, “Yeah, Aunt Caralyn needs to find a husband too.

It’s kind of the running joke in my family, actually. My sister-in-law is trying to set me up with her neighbor. I’m not complaining.

And I have a small contingent of friends who seriously, and I mean, legitimately want me to be a contestant on The Bachelor.

But I had a really special conversation the other day with one of my mom’s friends. It was at one of her “friend meet ups” that she’s been doing as part of her stroke recovery.

The conversation got going, and it turned to me, and how I’m still shockingly single.

And the woman looked at me and said, “You deserve to be loved.”

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It was actually a really moving conversation. This woman, I see her every weekend at church, and she’s this beautiful, effervescent woman, and she was telling me how she struggles with the same harmful feelings I do: she struggles with feeling worthy of love.

I felt like I was sitting there listening to myself speak, except 30 years older.

Same apprehensions. Same self-doubt. It was all too familiar.

I don’t know about you, but I have a very masochistic tendency, and I hate to admit it, but then, what haven’t I kept from you…

It involves…social media.

Basically, I sometimes find that my browser has meandered its way onto my ex-boyfriends’ facebook or Instagram profiles. Just seeing. Not that I’m pining for them, but I’m just looking at who they ended up with.

Well, she’s got a better rack than I do.

I bet she’s funnier, smarter, more sophisticated, more [insert adjective here] –er.

And after 10 minutes go by, and I find myself in photos from themed college parties in 2010, I have to just stop and go, Caralyn, what the hell are you doing? Get a life! 

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Anyone else? Bueller?

And, maybe I shouldn’t be confessing this. Maybe this is tonight’s version of a drunk text to an ex, albeit, this version is public and utterly humiliating, but I think this reveals something.

And I definitely don’t think I’m alone in this Facebook creeping tendency.

I think deep down, in our quest to be loved, we want to see the picture of what – or rather, who – was more worthy of love. At least to that particular person.

But if I’m being really honest, those men’s profiles that I’m looking at, are all men that I pushed away.

They loved me.

And not like in a Cher-from-Clueless, “OMG they love me” sort of way…

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…but an ernest, they actually had strong, next-step-marriage-esq feelings for me.

And I pushed them away.

I always blamed it on my “selfish season of life,” persuing acting, but the truth is, I was unable to accept the love they were giving me.

I felt I didn’t deserve it.

That by becoming vulnerable and showing who I really am, that I would be deemed a disappointment.

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And all of this stems back to my battle with anorexia, and the lie that I believed that I was a burden and unworthy of love.  And even though I have fought through that, and found my worth in Jesus, love is still an area in my life that I just haven’t found the ability to surrender and fully heal yet.

Tonight, as I was turning in for the night, my dad gave me a hug goodnight, and he just held me a little longer and said, “Don’t be afraid to let somebody love you, okay? It’s good. It’s really, really good.”

I think my dad is the best man in the world, if you haven’t caught on to that already. 🙂

But talk about speaking directly into my soul.

Don’t be afraid to let somebody love you…”

I think it’s really peculiar that this is all drumming up during Lent.

Here we are, in the season preparing for Jesus’ death on the cross…the ultimate demonstration of just how much He loves us…enough to die for.

All of Lent so far, I’ve been kind of, I don’t know…luke-warming it. And I’m ashamed to admit it, but I haven’t really committed to giving up or doing anything special for Lent. Sure, I’ve decided to “pray more,” but what the heck does that even mean? That’s frankly a cop out in my book.

I’ve honestly thought that, you know, here I am, I’ve left my life in NYC to come home to help my mom recover from her stroke, what more can I give up during this season, Lord? I’m all “gived out.”

Which, I fully realize how disgustingly pompous that is, but I think I’ve now finally realized what I’m supposed to “give up” for Lent.

Or rather, what I’m supposed to do.

I’m supposed to let Jesus love me.

Because right now, I know that with my brain, but I need to let it move in my heart. I need to claim it at a soul level. Enough to change me.

Because if I can’t fully accept the love that He’s poured out for me, how the heck should I expect to accept it from anybody else?

Accepting His love is a precursor to letting a mere mortal guy – preferably a 20-something, Brad-Pitt lookalike – letting that guy love me.

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It all comes down to truly believing I’m worth it.

That I’m not too broken to garner such love. From Jesus or from a guy.

Maybe that’s the lesson I’m supposed to walk away from this Lent having learned.

 

And just maybe, come this time next year, I’ll be able to tell my niece a different answer. Tell her that Aunt Caralyn did find love and a future husband.

Because she’s worth it.

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352 thoughts on “Tipsy Typing

  1. You are so beautiful, your post says a LOT about you. The way you put yourself to us out here … 🙂 beautiful really.

    First, u r not alone in this Facebook staking 😛 coming from me and friends who confide on me, yup so no worries there!

    Second, about lent … before lent started, i was so angry inside. i did go to confession though and said just that, that i am angry and dont feel like giving up anything. Do you know what i was told then?

    Do you love Jesus?
    I said Yes course i do or i would’nt be here! (I was still mad!)
    Then he said … : Well, there’s sthg wrong in your understanding of love my daughter, if you love him, then you would be ready to sacrifice or give up a little sthg or do sthg that just tells him you do love him back …

    I left confession so angry, then the next morning, i found myself stronger than ever, fasting not because i chose to, by mind, but because i felt it in my heart that i need to do this, because i loved Him and felt i needed to do that for him.
    That day … i know He up there celebrated, cause i felt him move me, in my life, i felt him again despite all the rancor and hopelessness i felt during lent period:)

    PS: sorry if i rambled on, u just reminded me of quite a few things 🙂 thank you, for sharing yourself like that. We deserve to be loved. And when we know that, we will know how to keep a guy around, instead of pushing them away. You’ll know he’s worth to keep and the one to love you, no regrets, ever, because HIS eyes up there and HIS love never ever leave anyone astray, especially not a believer like you.

    With all my love,
    Joy

    (that’s me in the link, if you were wondering a bit about me: https://wegrowthroughothers.wordpress.com/2015/10/31/self-help-tips-for-life/

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    1. Hi Joy! Oh wow, thank you so much for this beautiful response. What a powerful confession experience. I think you’re right, sometimes we have to hear something uncomfortable in order to spark a change. Sounds like I need to hear that message too:) thanks for the encouragement! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “I’m supposed to let Jesus love me.”

    I think that is a lot of what my sin-guilt problem I have posted about could be solved with. And here I was thinking I just need to accept His forgiveness when I should just accept His love. You just peeled another piece away from the film blinding my eyes.

    I don’t want to sound like another guy in your comments telling you what you want to hear because your pretty, but you will find Love. (Here comes the typical mystical part) It may not be with who you have in your mind or end up how you thought it would. Be open (not saying your not) be honest with yourself (again, not saying your not) as much as we would like finding love to be like a fairytale movie (and yes some guys would love to fall in love like the movies) sometimes it’s not the way hollyweird makes a love story truly magical but it is our own stories that puts those stories to shame.

    I hope you all the best. Stay blessed and I can’t wait to read more!

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    1. Hollyweird…that’s funny. i’ve never heard that before. Thanks so much Scruffy, for this awesome encouragement. You’re right, I’ve just got to have an open mind and let God do the rest. So glad you stopped by. big hugs xox

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  3. Yes you got it! You will be so much happier now and so will your future spouse! Once we get the ” I love myself” part, it is a little easier. You are ahead of the game, I took 20 more years than you are, to figure that out! God Bless, and prayers for your path, and the guy who will walk into it!

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  4. Caralyn, have you ever read “So You’re Single” by Edith Margaret Clarkson? It is widely circulated in young adult ministries.

    Edith was a remarkable woman. Born in 1915, she lived an unmarried life. In 1975, at the age of 60, she wrote this book which intimately revealed her angst at being single:

    “Through no fault or choice of my own, I am unable to express my sexuality in the beauty and intimacy of Christian marriage, as God intended when he created me a sexual being in his own image.

    My whole being cries out continually for something I may not have. My whole life must be lived in the context of this never-ceasing tension. My professional life, my social life, my personal life, my Christian life – all are subject to its constant and powerful pull. As a Christian I have no choice but to obey God, cost what it may. I must trust him to make it possible for me to honor him in my singleness.

    That this is possible, a mighty cloud of witnesses will join me to attest. Multitudes of single Christians in every age and circumstances have proved God’s sufficiency in this matter. He has promised to meet our needs and he honors his word. If we seek fulfillment in him, we shall find it. It may not be easy, but whoever said that Christian life was easy? The badge of Christ’s discipleship was a cross.

    Why must I live life alone? I do not know. But Jesus Christ is LORD of my life. I believe in the sovereignty of God, and I accept my singleness from his hand. He could have ordered my life otherwise, but he has not chosen to do so. As his child, I must trust his love and wisdom.”

    Her message still resonates today with Christians under 30. We, who have never been married, are among the “multitudes of single Christians in every age” who have proven that God’s grace and sufficiency is more than enough to overcome our singleness.

    And it imitates how Paul lived the Christian life:

    … for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances (Philippians 4:11).

    If I’m feeling lonely I always turn to this verse …

    I wish that all were as I myself am … (1 Corinthians 7:7).

    Paul was unmarried. His point was that being single is a gift from God though it is difficult for us to recognize, or even understand, His will.

    The other day I was thinking of an old romantic crush that I might have married so I looked her up on the Internet and found out that she died a year ago. It was God’s desire to spare me such loss. We don’t have the foresight to know what is best so we just have to trust the Lord.

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    1. Wow, thank you so much for sharing this with me. I have never heard of that book or author, but I will definitely look into it. She sound like a prolific writer. That’s so true – Jesus wasn’t married either. Singleness is not all bad. I guess i need a shift in perspective. I’m so sorry to hear that about your former crush. that is so tragic. sending big hugs xox

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  5. Love. You’re so honest and it’s ministering straight to peoples’ hearts. Thank you for being vulnerable! It’s inspiring and what you have to say is very encouraging!

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  6. Glad you are so self aware (even when tipsy). Understand that it takes God a long time to get us guys up to your standards. Certainly the lucky guy will be worth it!

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  7. Loving ourselves is oddly challenging, isn’t it? But realizing you don’t is the all important first step. Don’t be afraid (easy to say of course). And don’t have preconceptions about what “it” is going to look like or be like- two big things it took me a while to grasp. Life has an interesting way of giving you what you really have been looking for all along- just keep your eyes open and of course most importantly your heart. For yourself, for everyone. Pain is an Instructor- it doesn’t need to be the Master OR the Navigator, either. more *bear hugs*.

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    1. Hi again 🙂 Yes. It. Is! And boy, isn’t that the truth – Pain *is* an instructor. I’ve never heard that before, but I like it a lot. Thanks again for reading my stuff tonight. hope you have a beautiful weekend! xox

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      1. Hey, a handsome stranger gave me half his sandwich yesterday- which I came home and ate before I could share it with my Partner but still. It’s looking good…..

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  8. Perhaps I need to start on the vodka and sodas 😀 Both for the insights and the writing style. And the liberation??!

    Not feeling worthy of love is a challenge. I totally get that challenge. On one hand, be grateful and thankful that you are in the time and place to know you are loved by Christ. That isn’t inconsequential, and many of us struggle with that (cough cough). You went through some major major valleys to get to Him, but you know it was worth it; you found a pearl of great worth….

    The corollary to “don’t be afraid to let someone love you” is “don’t be afraid to love someone.” (and not in the “love the one you’re with” kind). Your previous relationships could be some of each. Loving someone is scary. Exhilarating! but scary. In some ways it’s just as challenging as a relationship with God. Both take faith, since the outcome isn’t known. But keep it in mind that you have to be willing to take that leap.

    Of course, what do I know about love? I’ve been wrestling with God for years, lost a love four years ago, and still see myself as unlovable, unloved, and unloving. But keep plugging along, sister. Our God loves you, His Creation loves you, and you are worthy of both loving and being loved.
    xoxo

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    1. hahah thanks Jeff! You’re so right – those valleys were 100% worth it. I am definitely excited to love someone. That is something that makes my heart flutter 🙂 And gosh, Jeff, I’m so sorry to hear about your lost love. That just breaks my heart. God’s got you. You have so much love to offer and any woman will be blessed to be loved by you! 🙂 hugs to you xox

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  9. Let me tell you as an experienced wiser lady… Do not be in a hurry. Wait for God. Why? Because He knows whether the man will change and what his real morals and motives are. I am on marriage 2, having come out of a 10 year abusive relationship and now in a marriage with a sex addict. Honey, you do not know what a man is really like until you are deep in it. God knows though, so trust Him and His timing. You are so loved!!! Let that warm you for a while and I will pray for your future husband and you do that too. Love you!! XO

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    1. Hi Tonya 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing your story. Gosh, I am so sorry that you had to endure an abusive relationship. That just positively breaks my heart. Know that you did not deserve that, and that you deserve to be cherished for the precious gift you are. That’s really great advice. Trust Him and His timing – yes! *much* easier said than done, but then that is the best and only way to live.thanks for this heartfelt comment. big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Dear Carolyn take courage. I often am encouraged by your writing. I am inspired by the real life storytelling you use. It is important to realize. Continue to love like a bright red rose. Those who speak against you are foolish. I know this because it’s in ecclesiastics Continue to write the way you do. God has given you the technology to speak the hearts and minds of those involved in such unfortunate circumstances. Some times the can be unruly and full of evil. Don’t pay attention to the devils dummies on the internet or on the street protesting. Think on things that are lovely, pure and honest…

    You have let your test be a testimony. WE LOVE YOU CAROLYN!!! God gets the Glory!

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  11. Hi Ms. Caralyn,

    Im Tjane from the Philippines. Id like to let you know how I like this post. I saw this in my inbox days ago but I just read it now, guess Id be missing so much lesson if I didn’t read this at all. Indeed you deserve to be loved. Everyone does!

    I can relate to you pushing away your ex feeling you don’t deserve their love… been there, done that. I also check him on social media sometimes.

    I was struck when you said:

    “Because if I can’t fully accept the love that *He’s* poured out for me, how the heck should I expect to accept it from anybody else?”

    That one needs so much reflection. Thank you! Im glad to find a blogger like you writing about the same faith with Jesus that I have. May you continue what you do. God bless you!

    P.S. Im not sure you’re gonna read this, but I hope you do. Jesus loves you. You deseve to be loved.

    Tessa Jane Palmiano

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    1. Thanks again, Tessa. I am just seriously so moved by your comments this morning. thank you with all my heart. this is going to stay with me all day. I’m so glad our paths crossed! you are a blessing to me! big big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I kid you not – I actually had to sit down when I go to the part about the laugh lines. You see, I’m 27 now; I did the college thing, graduated, got a good job, fulfilled my parents’ dreams, and have a pretty stable life. But it’s still empty at times. I was at my second “job” when I read your post – frying up some french fries and mozzarella sticks for softball concessions – and I had to stop what I was doing to finish reading this. Because it’s like it came straight from my heart.
    I was looking in the mirror just the other day, thinking to myself how I wish I had found someone before the laugh lines appeared. I’m 27 and have never felt what it’s like to be loved by someone. Sometimes this alone is enough to make me want to curl up on my couch and refuse any human interaction for a while. It’s hard. Really hard. So I understand your struggle, and how easily it is to get discouraged.
    So, for what it is worth, I wanted you to know that reading this was a huge encouragement to me. Because it really does help when you realize you aren’t alone in your struggles. That there are other single people out there. And that there shouldn’t be any shame in longing for a husband or relationships to fill those voids in your life.
    Connection is a universal longing. I just need to be reminded of that sometimes.
    Blessings to you.
    -Haley

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    1. Hey again Haley! 🙂 Oh, I’m so glad this struck a chord with you. I totally hear you. It is hard. But I believe that there is a good plan in store — and in the works as we speak! — for both of us. I do believe that. I am so inspired by how you’re working so hard and making your mark on the world. You rock my friend. Hang in there. 🙂 Biggest of hugs xox

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  13. Not that it’s worth anything :p but before I met my wife I promised Jesus I would give up on looking for love. I promised Him that He would be my love. I dug deep into Him, and when I was ready, He gave me the perfect woman for me! Like you said, not what you’re giving up, but what you need to do, let Him love you! Love reading your blog.

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  14. Great post. I always enjoy your writings but this in particular is exceptional. All that you said in here…feels like you took the words right out of my mouth and honestly felt like you were talking about me and my life! Lol.

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      1. It’s just Alex lol. I guess that means I need to alter my name on here slightly haha. You’ll find love eventually. We both will! Age is just a number when it comes to love/finding “The One”. I have hope for you!

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      2. oh hahah i’m so sorry about that!! The little thumbnail is about the size of a pea on my computer and i can’t see it! oops! I’m so sorry about that!! I believe you’re right! Love is out there…for the both of us! 🙂 thanks again Alex! 🙂 hugs xox

        Liked by 1 person

  15. Honestly. You are such a wonderful woman, with whom I could easily imagine that I am close to her or even marry her. You are very attractive, not just physical, but especially spiritual. I promise you that all your concerns are nothing in the presence of love. All your fear is dissolved. But perhaps it is a good start to marry yourself. And marry you every day anew.

    YOU ARE MORE THAN WORTHY! YOU ARE A MAGNIFICENT BEAUTIFUL QUEEN OF THE DIVINE KINGDOM! 🙂 I love you. Bear hugs* 😀

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  16. Funny I…er umm…have a friend that totally looks up his ex’s too. I just can’t help myself I guess…He…he, can’t help himself. Ha!

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  17. If you know you’re worthy of love then start with the one in the mirror. No disrespect to your dad..but he should have told you know that you are lovable, not worthy to be loved. Knowing you are lovable builds your self-esteem. Telling you you deserved to be loved gives the job to someone else which means you don’t own your own sense of self. We have got to stop telling girls to rely on others (men) for their sense of self, purpose and love. Love yourself. You can not give away that which you do not own. Good post.

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    1. Thanks Tammi, I appreciate you sharing your perspective. I agree that no person should rely on another for their sense of self. Amen to that. My dad builds me up every day, and I am so grateful to him for that. His comment came out of love after talking to him about love and boyfriends and fears of being vulnerable and open to love. His words were exactly what I needed to hear in that moment 🙂 Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I’m really glad you stopped by. Big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And I totally understand the fears of being vulnerable and open to love…i was in the car when I saw your response so I couldn’t finish my reply 😉

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      2. Yeah, vulnerability is definitely frightening. I’m grateful to have a father I feel safe sharing my thoughts with. I definitely do not take that for granted. Thanks again for stopping by. 🙂 Hugs and love xox

        Liked by 1 person

  18. Oh gosh !! I feel the same and I pretty much am in the same boat single and wanting to be loved ! Seeing people around me married and having children had made me realise that this is what I want more that anything ! . I loved the honesty of your post. And excuse the poor punctuation and grammar I too am drunk commenting 😂😂. Take care and keep making more amazing posts ! Really enjoyed this much love x

    Like

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