Tipsy Typing

I’m writing this post after two vodka/sodas.

And if you know anything about me, then you know…I am properly pissed.

#LightweightForLife

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I actually have never written a tipsy blog post before. Believe it or not, even the Feminism post was written stone cold sober.

Stone Cold Steve Austin…I wonder what that dude is up to now…

*Googles*…


Welp, apparently he’s doing a reality TV show now, called Redneck Island and just bought a mini mansion in Marina Del Ray. Shocker there…

Anyway. Enough about wrestling.

I just want to get married before I get smile lines.

I heard my three year old niece talk about her future husband today….that made me feel pretty…oh, I don’t know…like a spinster cat lady.

I looked at her and said, “Yeah, Aunt Caralyn needs to find a husband too.

It’s kind of the running joke in my family, actually. My sister-in-law is trying to set me up with her neighbor. I’m not complaining.

And I have a small contingent of friends who seriously, and I mean, legitimately want me to be a contestant on The Bachelor.

But I had a really special conversation the other day with one of my mom’s friends. It was at one of her “friend meet ups” that she’s been doing as part of her stroke recovery.

The conversation got going, and it turned to me, and how I’m still shockingly single.

And the woman looked at me and said, “You deserve to be loved.”

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It was actually a really moving conversation. This woman, I see her every weekend at church, and she’s this beautiful, effervescent woman, and she was telling me how she struggles with the same harmful feelings I do: she struggles with feeling worthy of love.

I felt like I was sitting there listening to myself speak, except 30 years older.

Same apprehensions. Same self-doubt. It was all too familiar.

I don’t know about you, but I have a very masochistic tendency, and I hate to admit it, but then, what haven’t I kept from you…

It involves…social media.

Basically, I sometimes find that my browser has meandered its way onto my ex-boyfriends’ facebook or Instagram profiles. Just seeing. Not that I’m pining for them, but I’m just looking at who they ended up with.

Well, she’s got a better rack than I do.

I bet she’s funnier, smarter, more sophisticated, more [insert adjective here] –er.

And after 10 minutes go by, and I find myself in photos from themed college parties in 2010, I have to just stop and go, Caralyn, what the hell are you doing? Get a life! 

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Anyone else? Bueller?

And, maybe I shouldn’t be confessing this. Maybe this is tonight’s version of a drunk text to an ex, albeit, this version is public and utterly humiliating, but I think this reveals something.

And I definitely don’t think I’m alone in this Facebook creeping tendency.

I think deep down, in our quest to be loved, we want to see the picture of what – or rather, who – was more worthy of love. At least to that particular person.

But if I’m being really honest, those men’s profiles that I’m looking at, are all men that I pushed away.

They loved me.

And not like in a Cher-from-Clueless, “OMG they love me” sort of way…

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…but an ernest, they actually had strong, next-step-marriage-esq feelings for me.

And I pushed them away.

I always blamed it on my “selfish season of life,” persuing acting, but the truth is, I was unable to accept the love they were giving me.

I felt I didn’t deserve it.

That by becoming vulnerable and showing who I really am, that I would be deemed a disappointment.

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And all of this stems back to my battle with anorexia, and the lie that I believed that I was a burden and unworthy of love.  And even though I have fought through that, and found my worth in Jesus, love is still an area in my life that I just haven’t found the ability to surrender and fully heal yet.

Tonight, as I was turning in for the night, my dad gave me a hug goodnight, and he just held me a little longer and said, “Don’t be afraid to let somebody love you, okay? It’s good. It’s really, really good.”

I think my dad is the best man in the world, if you haven’t caught on to that already. 🙂

But talk about speaking directly into my soul.

Don’t be afraid to let somebody love you…”

I think it’s really peculiar that this is all drumming up during Lent.

Here we are, in the season preparing for Jesus’ death on the cross…the ultimate demonstration of just how much He loves us…enough to die for.

All of Lent so far, I’ve been kind of, I don’t know…luke-warming it. And I’m ashamed to admit it, but I haven’t really committed to giving up or doing anything special for Lent. Sure, I’ve decided to “pray more,” but what the heck does that even mean? That’s frankly a cop out in my book.

I’ve honestly thought that, you know, here I am, I’ve left my life in NYC to come home to help my mom recover from her stroke, what more can I give up during this season, Lord? I’m all “gived out.”

Which, I fully realize how disgustingly pompous that is, but I think I’ve now finally realized what I’m supposed to “give up” for Lent.

Or rather, what I’m supposed to do.

I’m supposed to let Jesus love me.

Because right now, I know that with my brain, but I need to let it move in my heart. I need to claim it at a soul level. Enough to change me.

Because if I can’t fully accept the love that He’s poured out for me, how the heck should I expect to accept it from anybody else?

Accepting His love is a precursor to letting a mere mortal guy – preferably a 20-something, Brad-Pitt lookalike – letting that guy love me.

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It all comes down to truly believing I’m worth it.

That I’m not too broken to garner such love. From Jesus or from a guy.

Maybe that’s the lesson I’m supposed to walk away from this Lent having learned.

 

And just maybe, come this time next year, I’ll be able to tell my niece a different answer. Tell her that Aunt Caralyn did find love and a future husband.

Because she’s worth it.

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356 thoughts on “Tipsy Typing

  1. Brava! Brava! Yes my dear friend this is what the season of Lent is about penance, repentance and accepting His love for us! Now let Him pour out His Love and allow our Blessed Mother to do the same!

    1. Thanks so much Padre Tatro! yes!! that is my goal for the rest of the Lenten season – to just let that love wash over me 🙂 Thanks for taking the time to read! big hugs to you xox

  2. I love this!!

    I have this problem too, in feeling like I’m not worthy of love. And also in facebook stalking and comparing myself to my male friend’s girlfriends.

    They are all “more” than me and it hurts a lot. It was like that all growing up, I watched them go after girls who were “more”, in that they could choose their own wardrobe instead of having to wear strict things within modesty teachings in our group. They went after girls who could “go” as far as they boys wanted sexually, when I was waiting until my wedding.

    They choose the other girls over and over and over again. And ignored me. I can’t tell you how bad that stung. It still stings, to this day. That’s a huge part of my anorexia.

    But I kept waiting and I kept fighting. And now, my toddler sits in the kitchen, painting the floor with pumpkin baby food, and my husband is standing a few feet away. He came around, it took some time, but God brought him in to my life at the exact moment I need him, and he led me back from a very dark place through the man I married.

    I know it is hard, I really, truly do, but I’m hear for you if you need an ear to listen and someone to point you back to God no matter what arises. This stage in life is really hard and anorexia really adds to the insecurities and pain. <3 (hugs)

    1. oh my gosh, what a beautiful note, Rebecca. Thank you so much for sharing you heart. It gives me so much hope. And what a beautiful love story you share with your husband. this got me a little choked up. God is so good, and I’m so glad that He brought the two of you together at that right time. thanks again for sharing this wonderful note of hope. hugs xox

  3. A very nice, honest post. 🙂
    The desire to “compare” brought me to a very bad place a while back — I’m getting away from it, but it’s in the corner, like my ego, ready to make me feel bad if I let it. (Brr!)
    Anyway… you’re worth it, and you’re doing fine. 🙂

      1. Ah, you’re most welcome: just keep typing these good posts. 🙂
        Take it easy. There’s both better & much better days ahead. 🙂 x

  4. God is using this time home to continue your healing and move you one step closer to finding someone to share this messy, imperfect life with. Put one foot in front of the other…the strides you are making now in your healing, will only enrich your future marriage! And it’s closer than you think…

    1. I think you’re right, Candi. He really is using this time to grow and heal and reveal things that I need to work on and learn. amen to that. one foot in front of the other. thanks for the encouragement! big hugs xox

      1. I had a great night, Thank you. I pray you have a blessed day and continue to grow every day. Your testimony is amazing, a blessing you share it and help others know they can make it through trials and tribulations and find the blessing on the other side. I think your beauty lies beyond your posts appearance, it is in your Faith, your Spirit, your Heart. God Bless.

  5. Isaiah 58:6-7 “Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?

    _____________________________

  6. If you were tipsy while writing this you did a great job 🙂 I know it’s easier said than done but you have to quit being so hard on yourself, thinking you’re not worthy. Once you love yourself, love will find you and you’ll be able to accept it. Take care and stay strong, be positive 🙂

  7. Oh girl you are so special and I get this by just knowing you through your blog. Do not be afraid to open your heart love is a beautiful thing … but when your ready and you find that special person and when you do find that person you will be ready . Hugs hon.

    1. oh my gosh, thank you so much. i think you’re right, it is going to be a beautiful thing. and I do feel that I’m slowly becoming ready to do so. It is exciting to think about 🙂 big hugs xox

  8. This is great! I was feeling exactly this way a year ago and on the 30th of this month, I’ll be six months into a relationship that is longer, more life-giving, and more incredible and surprising than anything I’ve ever had or imagined. It is easy to feel unlovable because things haven’t worked out before – in hindsight, feeling unlovable was my excuse for not being vulnerable with the guys I was dating and for being defensive, and now having been completely open and vulnerable has allowed me to find someone who not only listens and tries to understand, but also has helped me become even MORE open and honest with myself. It takes time, but God is preparing you for the man who deserves you, which will be HARD TO COME BY because you’re such an incredible person! Keep up the great work, girl, and don’t lose heart. He’s out there, and you’ll appreciate him even more when you’re done waiting.

    1. Thank you so much! Oh wow, that’s so gray that you’ve found such a beautiful relationship! That gives me so much hope 🙂 oh my gosh, I seriously am so happy for you, friend. Yes! I believe he’s out there too, and I can’t wait to meet him! 🙂 Hugs and love xox

  9. You haven’t told us that you are Batgirl yet. I figured this might be the post since you were pissed. Gotham’s crime went up when you left town so I put two-and-two together. Oh well. 😐
    I dated a girl for five years that went through a lot of hell. All of the stress and pain her past inflicted on our relationship was worth it to me because I loved her and the balance of sadness and joy was better than no relationship at all. I became a better man because of her. 😃

    1. Hahahah oh my gosh that’s hysterical…. you caught me 😉 seriously though, thank you for sharing this. I’m glad that, even though there was pain, there was also new growth because of it. Hugs and love xox

  10. Marriage is a different kind of pain, one that you may not ask for should you know what sacrifice is involved (though it isn’t possible). But know that the pain you are feeling now is never wasted when it comes to God.

    I was the best husband before I became a husband. I was the best father before I became a father. But I came to find that how we perceive ourselves is largely a fantasy of our own making that is smashed upon the truth of reality. Yet there is beauty in that.

    1. Thank you so much, JM, for this honest reflection. You’re right, that is never wasted. And wow what powerful words. You’re right- reality comes in like a truth bomb! Hugs and love xox

  11. You are worth it! I know the past few days I’ve been really think about how to let God into my heart. Sometimes I feel like I focus more on the religion instead of the relationship and part of that is letting Him into our hearts. Not just knowing it for fact in our heads. Great reminder. xoxo

    1. thanks rebekah. That’s a really powerful thing to contemplate. because it’s easier said than done, because we have a lot of “stuff” that takes up room. amen to that. hugs xo

  12. The timing of this is just perfect. Just today I was thinking about this and I received a text from a former FWB guy who has recently gotten into a relationship. While I know I’m better off where I am and what I am doing, knowing that my special guy is on his way, my mind went straight to the thoughts of what does she have that I didn’t? Why her? And doubting my self and ability to be loved completely… So yes, he texted today, nothing engaging nor showing interest in how I am, but it was nearly impossible after receiving that text, to resist Facebook creeping to see about her and if they are together still. I’m rambling now but you are 100% not alone in this and I appreciate your sharing; I feel more supported and hopeful after reading this. When I have a drink or two (also a lightweight), I find these feelings you mention become a bit louder as the night comes to an end.

    1. Thanks so much for sharing this, Samantha. I’m right there with ya on those comparing thoughts and wanting to know the full scoop. Oh good, I’m so glad that this was encouraging for you. Your note was definitely encouraging for me 🙂 Hang in there. The right guy is just around the corner 🙂 Sending big hugs.

  13. I wish there was a “love” button. This was a gr at post! I was chuckling and nodding my head in agreement as I read.
    On the train.
    Like a crazy person.
    So, also, thanks for *that*. 😂😂😂

  14. This was a really wild thing for me to read, because you took several lines right out of my life! We really need to talk!

    I’ve told you before that I was one of those kids that got picked on. A lot. The first time I tried to tell the girl I liked her, she publicly shamed me. I guess that taught me!

    So I walked right past several very good opportunities. I was thinking of my acting career. One in particular I really wanted, but she was too beautiful and smart for me. That’s what I thought anyway. I realized way too late that it had been possible, but I didn’t let myself believe it. I wonder how many others I simply was too stupid or afraid to give a try?

    Hard to let yourself be loved? Have you ever thought of what he would say or do if you won an Academy award? I have. Here it is.

    “I know I’ve only got a few precious seconds up here, so I’m not going to thank anyone. You know I’m grateful. I just want to bask in your approval for the time I have left. ”

    Then I would close my eyes, smile, spread my arms, and listen to the applause. That’s what you need to do. But in your personal life.

    As for comparing myself to others, that happens all the time. Imagine how I feel sometimes when I see Tom Hanks getting another award!

    Sorry I don’t have more for you tonight. The Internet is out at the hotel, and I just can’t deal with a Phone keyboard or questionable voice recognition. Sorry!

    1. Hey Jeff! Thanks for sharing that. Yeah I’d say everything turned out as it should in the love department 🙂 you found a keeper in Julie! 😍 and I love that exercise of imagining my academy award speech! Haha oh gosh. You know i actually have never done that! But I like what you’d say. I’d be one of the people on their feet leading the standing ovation 🎉😁yeah, I bet. We actually just watched Sully the other night…anywho, hope the traveling is going okay! Safe driving, and thanks for sharing your wisdom. I always walk away having learned a thing or two 🙂 hugs to you and Julie! Xox

      1. Yes, Julie was the answer to all in my prayers! The week is off to a good start. I may be able to finish a bit early this week, which will be nice.

    1. hahah thank you so much, David 🙂 I appreciate that. that’s exactly what my friends said!! 🙂 who knows, maybe i will. thanks for stopping by and for the encouragement! hugs xox

  15. That was, as usual, beautiful. I love this part, “…love is still an area in my life that I just haven’t found the ability to surrender and fully heal yet.” I don’t know that we ever fully surrender anything in this life, but somehow we learn to express our true colors in appropriate ways. Delete Facebook if you have to dear one.

    1. Thank you so much Daniel 🙂 I think you’re right, surrendering — especially in today’s culture — is so unnatural, but so freeing. you’re right, perhaps i need to consider deleting the book….thinking about that actually gives me hives though! haha 🙂 thanks for stopping by! hugs xox

  16. As I’m reading this post, I’m still reflecting on my “Enough” post from yesterday…I am so guilty of this too–failing to perceive myself as others, and more importantly, how He perceives us. Simply from your writing and sharing of your testimony and sacrifice, I can tell that you are a good person and beyond worthy of love! Claim that husband–watch…next year!lol

  17. I’m not sure if you still follow my blog (and it’s okay if you don’t, I know it’s brutal), but I really hope you’ll read my last two posts and check in for the next two or three. Growing up, I wanted a boyfriend more than anything else in the world. I wound up with an alcoholic, a porn addict, a player, a schizo/bipolar guy, a hypochondriac who thought he had mad cow disease, a date rapist, a guy with a swoon-inducing accent but was probably married, a mama’s boy who went to Amsterdam with his mother, and then a guy who was 18 years older than me (I figured he’d be more mature than his predecessors — I was wrong) and he messed with my self-esteem like you would not believe.
    All of that being said, please be careful what you wish for — i.e., be specific. Ask God for a kind Christian man (and list a slew of qualities you would want him to have). Hopefully God won’t screw up your order. 😉 I asked for patience and got a lot of red lights and slow drivers. 😉

    1. Wow, thank you so much for sharing this. What a journey you have been on. It sounds like you could write a book! I will definitely keep a lookout for your next posts 🙂 thanks for stopping by! hugs xo

  18. Did you take that picture after the vodka too? Because that’s definitely one of your brighter smiles. Hope I’m not too brash in saying that.

    I totally tracked with your post. Though it wasn’t until I read it that I really put my finger on the problem. I have a hard time believing love of any variety is real. In my case, it was social dysfunction and years of rejection from it that really tanked my self-image. We all have our thing, I guess.

    Thanks for putting your finger on this. May Jesus restore all of our hearts.

    1. Ahahah thanks Brandon…no I took that this morning…i’m surprisingly one of those people who don’t get hungover! lol Thanks for the encouragement. you’re right, we all do have our things. Amen to that! hugs xo

  19. Believe it or not, since following your blog just a few months ago, I have prayed several times for you, that God would be preparing your heart to receive THE guy He has for you, at the right time. In His time. It is SO difficult in this sex-crazed society to be content with our heavenly Father as our “man,” but I think that’s ideally where He wants to bring us before introducing us to our earthly men.

    I dated God for a six-month period during a time when I was really hoping to be on the lookout for my future husband (meaning I spent time in prayer and in the Word on Friday and Saturday evenings when I could have been out on a date, and I memorized a whole lotta Scripture verses, too). But instead of pining for what I couldn’t have or what I imagined I was missing, there was such beauty and peace in just enjoying my life without all the stress of trying to get the next guy’s attention, or agonizing over whether or not someone liked me. I was already hanging out with Someone who loved me! Little did I know at the time that God was preparing me for the man who WOULD become my husband–who I met one week after my official time of dating God had ended. Had I met him six months earlier, however, I wouldn’t have wanted him. In was through spending time with God that He brought me to a new place mentally so I could appreciate His choice for my hubby rather than wrinkling my nose and turning away (I SO would have turned away six months prior, yet now we’ll be celebrating our 17th anniversary in May).

    Press into the Lord, sweet sister in Christ. Let His love wash over you, and know He’s got this. It’s not easy to relinquish control in the realm of relationships, especially when we think about “what if” scenarios, or when we compare ourselves to others (you’re not alone in that; I believe we all do it to some extent). But don’t regret the guys you pushed away. If one of them was THE one God had in mind for you, He would have kept that guy available. Your prince hasn’t come yet–that you know of, anyway. 😉 I pray you will find contentment during this time of singleness and allow God to be your “man,” and I pray for patience as He continues to heal you to receive your future hubby’s love. Marriage is wonderful, but it’s HARD, and you’ll never be fully prepared for it, no matter how many people you talk to or how many books you read on the subject. 😉 So be content to allow God to prepare you as best He can for the relationship He wants to last the rest of your earthly life. The waiting is hard when you’re walking through it, but you won’t regret it once you get to the other side. And you WILL get to that other side, Caralyn. Blessings and hugs!

    1. Oh my gosh Laurie! You are so kind to think of me in your prayers. My goodness, what a beautiful thing that is. And you’re right- dating God and giving Him your heart is the best way to prepare for giving it to another person. And wow, what a beautiful love story you and your husband share. That gives me so much hope! And congrats of 17 years! That is so awesome 🙂 thank you again for such awesome encouragement. This really touched my heart tonight. Massive hugs to you and yours xox

  20. That is so beautiful! And you aren’t alone in the FB thing😊 Good to hear your mom is getting out. I so admire what you are doing helping her recover.

    1. Thank You Patricia! Gosh, that’s kind of you to say. Yeah she’s doing a lot better. I so admire her courage. Thanks for keep us in your thoughts 🙂 big hugs xox

  21. Ok, let me gather my thoughts about this post for a moment…. Put down the glass or alcohol soda my friend. Right now you’re probably looking at this post slowly reading it word for word. If so that’s good because I have something to say… First of all I hate this post. right now you’re probably thinking Oh boy here he goes…. I don’t like this post but not for the reasons you might think…. I hate this post because it doesn’t put value on who you are as a person. Now I’ve read a lot of your work over the past few years. In fact I would choose to read your blog more so than the “The failing New York Times.” There is no mistake that we all have a past. Some memories are good, some memories are bad.. Since you like to compare let’s compare my life to yours. I am Canadian. You’re American. I want to be an American and not just play one on television. I’m a Christian, You’re a Catholic. I had an eating disorder, you had an eating disorder. When I came to fully understood who God was. I gave up everything. I gave up my goals, I gave up the social life. I gave up companionship and I even walked away from the wrestling industry…. I come across this problem as equally and as frequent as you. You’re in mid 20s I am in my early 30s. Still have no kids. I am uncle though. You had a battle with anorexia. I had a battle with Cerebral Palsy. There are times in my times that I used to dwell on that. “I drag my foot” I am useless. That was the old man. When I came to God I realized my Cerebral Palsy isn’t a sign of defeat. It’s a sign of victory. Let me explain why… I wasn’t supposed to live past six months old. For years I wanted to chase after the world because I thought I was supposed to fit in with the crowd. It took me a few years to realize that I was going about life all wrong. I was in and out of church than one day many years later God filled me with the Holy Ghost. The scales from my eyes came off. However there was also a huge price I paid for following God. I’m still paying it. I want to remind you this: Let the words that I speak now sink deep into your heart.

    Walk after the spirit and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. Let your light shine before men so that they may see your good works and glorify your which is heaven. By this all men shall know that you are my disciples if ye have love for one another. There is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear. Love not the world neither the things in the world for any man in your case any woman love the world. The love of the father is not in them. Let your faith not waiver in him. Let your trust in him never decrease. Feelings can distract us. Lean on your faith in Him. Some of your posts are good, really good. However I can see wavering faith in you. As a friend I say this. Feed your faith. You Carolyn are an individual who can talk so well about the Lord. You Carolyn are a person that make the joy of the Lord sweep through your bones and radiate through your face on any given day. If you feel unloved by the World draw nigh to the Lord and he will show you the Love that you seek to obtain. You don’t need the bachelor you need God. The grace of the Lord is sufficient. I have done it and I continue to do it even this day. Remember Abraham and the patience he had to use until Isaac came.
    Anthony

    1. Wow A, what a powerful note of encouragement. Thank you so much for speaking to me these words that challenge me to grow in Him. And thank you for sharing part of your story. What a journey you have been on. Grateful for you! Hugs and love xox

      1. I’ve been in that situation before so I know what it’s like. Of course it’s different circumstances for everybody. please know that you’re incorrect that your blog is had on various people is truly amazing and even if the world doesn’t have the respect that you require you have us and most of all you have God. If God is in your corner you’re going to have Victory everyday 24 hours a day because the phone line is always open. Remember he died for us so that we may obtain it righteous living. In essence that means to show kindness to the Brokenhearted spaghettification to those that are Down cast. Feed the hungry clothe the poor. Pray for the sick. Give of yourself to people. Reminder we may not always get along and sometimes I feel like I’m chastising you but I wouldn’t chastise you if I didn’t care about your well-being.

      2. I always try to speak encouragement to you because I can see something in your life that you truly wish to please God. If I offend you in some way I ask you to forgive me sometimes I get passionate about certain situations.

  22. …and yet another post i can relate to Caralyn! I feel like i’m going to be that creepy old man who lives alone and quiet for the rest of my life. I’ll be honest, i never envisioned my life to turn out this way, yet here i am. I have thought of ex-girlfriends and who they ended up with. One, whom my friends so affectionately named Lady Voldemort even got married. I still don’t know how to feel about that. All i know is that God has a plan for me. I’m not entirely too sure that means marriage, but i get the strong feeling that it does eventually. I know it’s either that or entering the FSSP seminary in Nebraska. Everybody that seems to take the time to get to know me tells me that i should be a priest. Go figure, right?! I don’t know what to tell you aside from following your heart and what God tells you to do through your heart. He speaks to us often, but it’s up to us to listen to Him. 🙂

    1. Hi David! Oh good! I’m so glad you can relate! Haha, oh no, you won’t be! There’s a lid for every pot:) lady Voldemort haha that made me chuckle. Yes! The world needs good priests! 🙂 but seriously though, His plans for you – whatever they may be – will be good and full of peace. I’ll definitely pray for your discernment 🙂 Hugs and love xox

  23. Beautiful, moving post. With just the right amount of comedic relief. After all, Stone Cold mixed with Ben Stein’s monotone “Bueller…” is just genius.

    Prayers for you on this front too, although I am way out of my league here. But God knows. It’s only by His grace that I have a loving, longsuffering wife. Queen of my life.

    He will provide. Blessings!!

    1. Thank you so much! Amen – He will definitely provide. Thank you so much for your continued prayers. Yes. God knows the plan 🙂 thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

      1. Hehe 🙂 I’m on my way to the Sacramento Kings game. I want to day that I’ll have a great night if they win, but I’m not holding my breath. However, this is something I’ve been talking about a lot with my therapist, how I need to learn to base my happiness on things that aren’t beyond my control.

  24. This is … kind of the reason that you need feminism.
    Remember ‘Its a Wonderful Life’? The worst thing that could possibly happen to Mary if she didn’t meet her one true love, George? She became an old maid / spinster lady / crazy cat lady. Feminism reminded the world that just as guys can have achievement and success without marriage completing their identity, so too it ought to go for women. The last time I saw the matriarch of my old church, her very first question was: “are you married yet?” Followed by (in no particular order): “What’s wrong with you that you aren’t married?” “Your brother, is he married?” “I didn’t know that you had a sister, is she married?” “Don’t you know that the whole point of living is getting married?” Okay maybe she didn’t ask that last question, but you can bet your Bible that she was thinking it. This is what I can’t stand about the church, they want me to marry yesterday (well, ten years ago, to be honest) but they don’t want me to find love; they hope that I’ll love whomever I marry, but many generations have married without love and they think that’s o.k. Or they say that God will bless my obedience in marriage my letting me fall in love with my spouse after the fact. That just sounds wrong to me. Your niece needs to know that it’s okay to be single, it shouldn’t be a blight or disease that can only be cured by marriage. Single people are great people and do great things.

    1. What an interesting perspective. Thank you so much! I agree, there’s a lot of pressure, one way or the other around marriage. In NYC, it’s the exact opposite. People don’t even *think* about marriage until they’re at least 30. I’m sorry that you’re feeling those pressures. You’re right! No matter if we’re single or marrried, we are great people capable of great things! Hugs and love xox

      1. I’m out on the country, where it’s not unusual for freshly graduated high school students to get married right away and start on families even sooner than that. You hit your expiration date around 30, when you’re officially a lost cause. The thing people miss about Mary is that without George, she built a pretty great life, furthered her own education, got a job, contributed to society, set her own goals, it wasn’t better and it wasn’t worse – just different. And that’s the difference between marriage and singleness, it’s not better, it’s not worse, just different.

      2. Haha oh gosh. I know what you mean though. Same way in Ohio. You should have 2 or 3 kids by 30! I loved that movie. I actually played Zuzu in a professional production of it when I was younger 🙂 holds a soft spot in my heart

  25. It seems like you are upset with yourself. But you are learning and growing! It may be that you need to forgive yourself. I’m not sure if that’s theologically correct, but it’s a thought I had while reading your post.

    1. I think you’re right- this is definitely a period of growth. Definitely something to ponder. I think forgiveness is the first step towards love 🙂 thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

    1. Aw thanks girlie. You’re so kind to say that. I think you’re right- that is such an important spirit of peace to have – loving yourself. For from that heart at rest, we are able to then give it out to others! If that makes sense haha hope youre having a great night! Hugs and love xox

  26. My wife and I married at 34 and 32 – both virgins. Still blissfully together after 16+ years. Not sure why we had to wait so long, but our marriage was worth the wait. I pray that, and more, for you.

    1. Hi Eric! Thank you so much for sharing this. Wow. What a beautiful love story you share with your wife! Gosh. How amazing. Haha God saw ya through! Thanks so much for the prayers. Means the world. Hugs and love xox

  27. You’re definitely worth it, Caralyn.

    When I first stumbled upon your blog, I remember being quite shocked to hear that you were single, mainly because of how you cute you are on the outside and wonderful on the inside. Then, with time (and reading almost all your posts here…), it kinda makes sense that you’re still single, although it also drives me crazy sometimes haha.

    Well, I’ll just leave it at that.. 😉 very well written post btw, maybe you should get more drunk when writing next time ahah (jk).

    Hope everything works out for the best, hugs <3 xo

    1. Thanks so much 🙂 haha maybe! Although, I don’t want to make this a habit! Haha but seriously, thank you. I am truly touched by your words and friendship. You always have just the right encouragement for me, and I am so grateful for that! Hope you have a great night. Hugs and love xox

  28. God thinks you are worthy of love Caralyn – thanks for once again being so honest – you crack me up and make me think with each post – may God bless you with amazing answers to prayers my friend – whoever it is out there for you will be one happy dude!

    1. Thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement. Glad it made you chuckle 🙂 and thanks for your continued prayers. I do believe that God’s got a keeper out there for me 🙂 hugs to you xox

  29. Hi Caralyn,
    1st of all, I love your blog, your honesty, transparency, your willingness to be so vulnerable with all of us. Kudos (a million, really) for sharing that with us regularly.
    But forgive me if I preach for a moment. The love you seek is already insde you. God gave it to you (indeed, to all of us) when He created you. I’m super serious about this, because this belief has set me free in so many ways. Mostly, (in my case, since I’m a man) that I don’t need a woman to love me in order to be complete, or whole. I still desire for such a love, but today I know I’m ok just as I am, whether single or coupled. In fact, if I never find “the right” woman, I know that my life, and especially my worth, are complete and perfect right now, because God’s love is so perfect and complete that if He deemed that I should have that in my life, I know it would (and will) be there.
    At any rate, the reason I share this is to let you know that you are perfect and complete right now, and that the fire you have for Him (and Jesus) is evidence of all the love you have to give. And when God’s ready (and He deems that you are as well) the perfect man for you will appear when you least expect it. I guess what I’m trying to say is have a love affair with yourself in the meantime, and be your own best friend always. Believe me, the love of a man pales in comparison to the love you have to gve yourself. 😀 *steps off soapbox*
    Please forgive me if I went too far or was too forceful in telling you what I think is best for you. But believe me, you’re a lot closer to where you want to be than you may realize. We all are.

    1. Hi Steve! oh wow, this is such an awesome comment. thank you so much! and no way, you didn’t go too far at all! i’m super grateful for the advice! i love that – be your own best friend. that’s so true. God really is amazing 🙂 thanks for stopping by and sharing this powerful perspective and insight! big hugs xox

  30. Your blogs always put a smile on my face my friend! God will provide the right young man in your life if that is His will and that is what your desire, I would have suggested that you need to meet my eldest son who’s in similar life situation as you working hard, very talented with “wordsmithing”,( He’s a big English Literature buff ) highly educated and musician, teacher and Worship and teaching pastor at Winnetka Bible Church in Chicago..Plus he’s a city guy, kinda like you are a city girl.. and he’s your age. lol Check out some of his stuff on his blog here. https://ryandavidshelton.com/
    … But catholic protestant issues don’t make for great bonded faith marriages so that may not work either. Anyhow.. My advice. Don’t do any vain thing like the Bachelor! good grief. You’re too deep for that. Wait on the Lord, and be satisfied in Him.

    1. oh what a kind thing to say! thank you so much 🙂 I’m glad it made you smile 🙂 and haha that’s so great. it sounds like your son is quite the catch! 🙂 I’ll definitely check out his site. I kid you not when I say this…I’ve never met a Ryan I didn’t like 🙂 hahah I’m serious! Hugs to you xox

  31. Caralyn,

    Convincing yourself that you’re worthy doesn’t make you so. You know very well that worth is what God has given you, and all of us deeply stained and broken people.

    That said, you’re too valuable to trust to your own thinking about yourself, and it’s life-saving to let go of ourselves into God’s Hands, as you have done. Letting Him have the freedom to bring you and your life partner together honours Him, and you’ll lose nothing, as you know.

    However, God sees much more than meets our eyes, and He prepares us for the future, often a future that we would never anticipate, and that takes time, but you can help by being soft in His Hands, cooperating with His lessons, and allowing Him to change you, all of which will ultimately reflect in your words and actions. And He is busy at work in future Hub’s life as well. We need to be praying the same things for him too, wherever he is. After all, he has to love you too, in the midst of his own brokenness.

    Grace and peace over you, child.
    Indi

    1. Thank Indi. You’re right, none of us deserve the immense gift we received on the Cross, but in that action, we were made worthy. That’s a really powerful thing to remember. thank you for that reminder. Ah yes, that is such advice. Being soft in His hands — I love that imagery. i think you’re right – it’s two broken people coming together and loving the other where they’re at. thanks for this awesome encouragement. big hugs xo

  32. Just keep listening to your dad and Jesus, and you’ll find yourself where you are supposed to be, when you are supposed to be there, with the people you are supposed to be with, and one of them just might be someone you can trust enough to let love and marry you. With two such great men in your life, giving you such good counsel, you will be led to the best husband for you. But that level of trust takes a lot of faith. You’ll be ready when the time is right.

    1. Hi Heather! thank you so much 🙂 you’re right, both great men. both with sound advice. I am truly blessed 🙂 Thanks for this awesome encouragement! hope your week is off to a great start! big hugs xox

  33. Oh, how I know this struggle. I have been there. Honestly, I made quite a mess in my search for love. Lots of hurt. Lots of feelings of unworthiness. I think He had to bring me to the end of myself before I was ready for true love. I had to surrender to HIS love first. Not that I have it all figured out by any means! Been on my second chance at life, love, and marriage for 5 years now and still I can find myself tripping all over this issue. lol. Best I can say is keep trusting your heart to Him. He has everything well in hand. Thank you for a lovely, honest read. Hugs and prayers.

    1. Hi Marisa! Thanks so much for sharing this. wow, how powerful “He had to bring me to the end of myself before I was ready for true love” – boy does that resonate. I think you’re right, it’s like in order to appreciate the light, you have to have seen the dark. And congrats on 5 years! that’s so awesome, and definitely gives me hope 🙂 Thanks so much for the prayers and encouragement! big hugs xoxo

    1. Thanks so much! Yeah, there’s still time. It’s only half way over, and we can make a change today! 🙂 haha We got this, girlie 🙂 thanks so much for sharing your heart. big hugs to you xoxo

  34. My dear friend,

    It is said when the chemistry is right between partners, then they are like magnet and iron – God puts them together also for some certain reasons – if this fruit hanging on the tree of time is not yet ripe – the feeling inside goes along with this ripeness – one look into the eye of a becoming partner is enough to ignite the sparkle of love into fire (as the eyes are the windows of the soul…) – you will come to know when the right partner is coming, your heart will tell you… so wait and see what are God’s intention with you… and we cannot force love to come as this is God’s work.

    Have a wonderful time and patience in your heart, dear friend 🙂

    Hugs
    Didi

    1. Magnet and Iron. I love that metaphor. so powerful. gosh, what beautiful words, Didi. I am so moved by them. seriously. you have a way with words! Yes, wait and see. I’m really trying to practice patience in this season of life right now. it’s a very good – albeit difficult- thing. big hugs to you friend xox

  35. My entire life I struggled with this and let me tell you, there is SO much joy and freedom in letting Jesus love you! I’m still not married or even in a relationship and for the first time ever I have such peace with that. I know God has and is preparing my future husband and that is all I need. Thank you for bravely sharing! 😘

    1. Oh, thank you so much! Yes! Joy and freedom sound like just the ticket! 🙂 I’m so glad you’ve found those and that peace. that is so awesome. God is good. big hugs xox

  36. I’ve never been one for soulmates. I’ve been married for 28 years and the last 12 have been existing in the same house. BUT, I know there are good relationships out there. I’ve seen them. I can’t imagine being in one, but I hope for one for you. I thoroughly enjoyed this post. Beverages seem to encourage other ideas to bubble to the surface!

    1. Hi Kris, thanks for sharing this. wow, 28 years! What a testimony of love that it. thanks for your kind words. I think you’re right – they’re called truth serum for a reason! haha hugs xox

      1. Not sure what kind of testimony it is. Communication and sharing experiences is so important. I can count on one hand the times my spouse and I have spent on a date in a year. OK< half of a hand! We rarely talk to each other and if our youngest ever left, I think it would be really quiet around the place.

  37. It took me a while to figure out how I could be assured of God’s love. I tend to think things over for long periods of time. I like to let ideas stew, recede into the back of mind, and resurface when I’ve learned new information. This is how I’ve developed all of my theology, especially with regard to practical matters. Most of what I think about is practical. As far as I see it, there’s no use in coming up with a theology that doesn’t apply to my everyday walk with Jesus.

    It started with understanding who God is. He is the un-caused Cause. He has always been and will always be. He is perfect, infinite, complete, and self-sufficient. He has existed eternally in three persons: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. He is love. He has eternally loved himself as a communal unity as a model of what love looks like for His creation. Truly understanding that God is self-sufficient meant coming to grips with an important and empowering reminder: God doesn’t need us.

    God CHOSE to create us SO THAT He could love us. Our entire existence is predicated upon the fact that God wanted to create a species of people who looked like Him, acted like Him, and understood things like Him, for the sole purpose of loving them and showing His power and glory to them. We have free will because it pleased Him and showed His goodness. Not a single part of our existence would have been possible apart from God’s overwhelmingly gracious, steadfast love.

    That love was made manifest on the cross to free me of any doubt. Jesus’ death on the cross is a historical fact. His followers recorded what happened, what Jesus said, and what living a life devoted to Christ looked like. We still have that evidence 2000 years later, unchanged, and translated into hundreds of languages. It’s not hard for me to look at Jesus and see love. When I remind myself that Jesus CHOSE to die for me, and He didn’t have to, I am overwhelmed by grace.

    However, the clincher is this: When I understand that God chose, from before time began, to come to His creation in human form, live a perfect life for my account, die an undeserved death to accept my punishment, raise from the dead to free me from its burden, and offer His life to me as a gift…I fall to my knees before Jesus and beg Him to take my life. There were other ways God could have written this story. He CHOSE to DIE for me, and He asks fo nothing in return.

    That’s amazing grace. That is steadfast love that never ends. And God loved you, Caralyn, that much, from the beginning of time, before you ever existed. He has always loved you more than you could ever comprehend.

    1. the uncaused cause. Wow this comment was so awesome. i was cheering the whole time. i mean, how powerful is it to realize that, God didn’t need to create us! you’re absolutely right! He chose to create us out of love! that is amazing to realize. thanks again for this powerfully moving response. amazing grace indeed, Neal. big hugs to you xo

  38. Hey, girl. All I can say is: if you want to get married, wear more lilac clothing.

    Well, and maybe one more thing: Yes, let Jesus love you. That’s the anchor we should use in judging our relationships: do our relationships compete with that love, or make it sweeter and more meaningful?

    1. Shoot, I can’t let this go. Caralyn, you need to recognize that most people your age are still trying to sort themselves out from the things that they’ve been given: faith, education, opportunity. You had to rebuild yourself from the ground up while you were still in high-school. You’ve chosen every single part of your personality. That’s going to be hard for anyone that hasn’t had a similar experience.

      That’s why I keep on saying: “You’ll find your man when you find your purpose.” That purpose is a reason for you to change. It makes space for someone to enter your life.

      1. You’ll find your man when you find your purpose. wow. if that doesn’t hit ya right between the eyes I don’t know what will. SO POWERFUL. thanks again Brian. that really resonated with my heart 🙂 hugs xox

    2. More lilac clothing! hahaha oh my gosh, Brian you’re funny! and amen – I’m going to try to just let that love wash over me for the rest of Lent and see what happens … and then make that a regular thing 🙂 Yes! the anchor indeed! hugs xox

  39. Hi Ms. Caralyn! Believe me, as I type your name while reciting it by syllable, I found it very very lovable.! And I guess, if you wouldn’t mind, I would love to give the same name to my daughter if God would bless me with one :). You are so full of love inside and out. Don’t worry, God is just preparing the best someone for you. Just be open to possibilities…love! love! mhuaaagzzz.!

    1. Hello!! oh my gosh thank you so much! I would truly be honored to share a name with your future daughter. yeah, my mom said it sounded like music – melodic – so she named me that 🙂 And I’ve honestly never met another CarAlyn — I’ve met Carolyns and Carolines, but never another CarAlyn 🙂 Thanks for the beautiful encouragement. Thats so comforting to think of God preparing my future husband’s heart. 🙂 comforting and true! hugs to you friend xox

  40. BRILLIANT! Tipsy typing! 🙂 What a phrase! And then the rest – thank you for being a part of my life. Don’t ever be afraid – it just gets in the way of alcohol! 🙂

    1. haha thanks Paul. oh my gosh, thank YOU for being a part of my life!! truly, I am so glad that our paths crossed those many moons ago 🙂 hehe but in all seriousness, thank you. and thank you for the wonderfully kind words you shared about my blog on your site. i am truly touched 🙂 have an awesome day! hugs xox

  41. Reblogged this on Church Set Free and commented:
    Tipsy typing!

    How many of us – me included – have the courage to type that at the top of a post?

    So what follows was particularly touching and vulnerable – in the most wonderful way. And entwined within the vulnerability is God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit – whatever your name for your God.

    And if you want topical – then Caralyn even links it to Lent.

    Please read this. If you are unchanged afterwards, please let me know.

    (which if why for the first time on adding a reblog – comments are left open here).

    Thank you –

    Paul

  42. Your tipsy writing is very strong and powerful. When my son presented a similar point to me as his father it really cut deeply. Then I remembered what my grandmother posed as her first point when she heard I was dating.
    She asked two things to make her point: 1 are really serious about finding a wife? 2 just how much of yourself are you prepared to give?
    Her point “give them something to love”.
    Many relationships are shallow and can’t stand the test of time but when you are ready for a life partner you become comfortable with the intrusion.
    Reading your post makes me think you have reconciled that point. You are the gift, you’ve cherished it and protected and now your ready to share.
    This was a great insight and thank you for your candid statements.

    1. wow, Trotter, thank you so much for this beautiful reflection. wow your grandmother was one smart cookie. i love those questions. i’ve written them down in my journal. I’ve actually grown up listening to my mom say the same thing in a slightly different way: marriage (and relationships) aren’t about what you “get,” it’s about what you *give.* Definitely a powerful perspective. hugs xo

      1. Honesty is always challenging and so many people are in unhappy and unproductive relationships because they settled for anyone. Keeping looking for the someone and they will find you (personal experience speaking)

  43. What a beautiful post. I would not have thought that you were anything other than in control of your faculties when writing this. Your dad is beautiful. You already know love in that relationship – partner love is different but also in many ways, the same.

    1. Thanks so much Raegina. hahaha yeah, nope – definitely on the tipsy scale when writing! 😉 thank you, yeah my father is a gem of a human being. i’ve had a really great example of who a man should be. thanks for the kind words. hugs x

  44. The old saying when you aren’t looking or trying to find it, it’ll find you… Works. When you aren’t expecting it or searching for it, maybe in the wrong places, it’ll find you in the right places.

  45. Oooh dear I feel you. Been there, pushed them away, stalked exes on fb and IG, beat myself up, everyone around me getting engaged and married and am just there😞. However, I have lately realized my worth and the kind of love I want and need. Go out there mingle and laugh, meet new kinda men and you shall know all that in the past was a phase preparing you for what goodness awaits you😘.

  46. Wow, you knocked another one out of the park. Amazing post, and I know it all comes from the heart. Even tipsy writing works for you. Taking a deeper look inside yourself is never easy, but sometimes it is necessary to move forward in your life. When you know yourself everything else falls into place. You are awesome! 🙂

    1. Aw, Amy, thank you so much! I’m so glad you enjoyed the read. You’re right — difficult but necessary indeed. Thanks for this beautiful encouragement! This brightened my day! big hugs xox

  47. Just don’t be like me. I spent a quarter of a century being married to my wife, believing all along that I wasn’t loved. I was afraid. This guy that would wade into any fight, whether I had a chance to win or not, was afraid to accept that I was loved. Maybe it was because then I had to love back and accept all the risk that required or maybe it was my insanity. Whatever, my return of sanity brought with it courage and now my marriage has become a lot more like what God actually wants it to be as we push on toward thirty-five years together..

    It isn’t perfect but it’s good, really really good.

    1. Hi Mike, thank you so much for sharing this. I’m so glad that you’ve worked through that and are now in a better place. that’s so awesome that you fought through it and are now on your way to thirty five years. that is so inspiring. truly. God is good, and there are a lot of people who could take a page from your book 🙂 Thanks for sharing that. big hugs xox

  48. Princess, it’s been a while I left a comment. Been so beezy and over and undewhelmed etc. But I couldn’t let this post go by. You oh my are so lovely and the inside should definitely reflect the outside. There are people who after going through the kind of stuffs some of us have gone through, retreat from life and no one hears or reads about them. You aren’t one of those and the proof – one of them is this awesome blog and all what you share in all vulnerability. Let Go and Let God – remember I told you about that special chapter in your memoir you are still collecting material for? Peace be still…

    1. Hi Marie! oh thank you so much 🙂 I am so touched by your words. truly. you always have such a way of filling my spirit with hope and joy. thanks. Let go and let God. amen amen amen. You’re right! this will all be used for good one day 🙂 big hugs to you and I hope that things get a little less busy and hectic on your end! sending massive hugs and prayers xoxox

      1. Oh Princess, that’s by Grace I am able to reach out so with words and all. Things aren’t getting less busy, am learning too to Let Go of all the anxiety and drive for perfection and yes oh feeling lonely at night… You guess right… And am learning to Let God… Take it from me if don’t mind an addition, Letting God works Big Time but on His Clock, Grace & Guidance. Hugs hugs hugs

  49. Morning! I loved your post! Thanks for being willing to share with inhibitions loosened a bit. 😛 Enjoy your singlehood! It’s a phase of life unlike any other. Being single in my late twenties, I’ve gone through the same feelings and thoughts you have. I’ve also pushed great guys away that cared for me. It’s okay though. If it had been right, it would’ve happened. I think you’re so right in being open to letting Jesus love you! Life with God is such an adventure. I think if you focus on the present and enjoy where He has you now, you’ll be able to embrace the next phase of life just as fully and see God in both. He has given you so many gifts to serve Him with. And that’s where our true joy, love, acceptance, affirmation, and satisfaction come from. It’s from living out our calling, which is to glorify God with our lives and serve Him with our gifts. There’s nothing better. <3

  50. Religious traditions never bring a person closer to God. God draws us to Himself through His Son. To know the Son in spiritual rebirth is eternal life. His work in us and then through us. In the same way He draws two together to become one in covenant marriage. A man and a woman led by His Spirit into a relationship with eyes wide open with understanding.

    1. Thanks for this reflection, Gary. God is good in how He loves us, even though we don’t deserve it. That’s a beautiful way to describe marriage. Thank you 🙂 Hugs and love xox

  51. Sweet Carolyn, you don’t earn love. No one is worthy of Christ’s love, that’s the whole point of the cross.

    I know men pining for women in their lives and like you, women pining for men. The ache is real but it does NOT mean you are not worthy.

    Your honesty, vulnerability and open heart is hugely attractive to the right guy and hugely scary to the wrong one(s). It’s part of who you are and God is using it (I don’t​ say this lightly) to touch and heal hundreds of others.

    I am now going to sound like a broken record and say again – patience. I think I told you the NT word for patience is actually “long suffering” (hey don’t say I didn’t try to encourage you :-)).

    So the obvious – be places where the right guy will be. Easier said than done maybe but they are definitely out there looking for women just like you. And stop bearing yourself up for who and what you’re not. What you ARE is amazing, attractive and desirable – drink that it because it’s what God says about you.

    1. You’re so right – that is the point of the cross. It’s pretty plain and simple when you put it that way:) thank you. I needed to read that. I so appreciate your encouragement. Gotta just practice patience and trust! And long suffering…oh boy. Haha thanks again my friend. Big hugs to you xox

  52. Caralyn,

    You are amazing. I look forward to your posts every single week!

    I found my husband when I wasn’t even looking. After I had escaped from an abusive relationship in 2010, Al’s brother wanted to set us up – and I’m so incredibly glad and grateful that he did! Al and I became friends as I started my senior year of college three hours away, and then we went on our first date on September 4th, and the rest is history. Here we are, nearly seven years later – Still madly in love, happily married for nearly two years, and enjoying our first house! God works in amazing ways!

    Social media is the WORST sometimes. I blocked my abusive ex on Facebook almost immediately after our break-up. About a year later, I got curious and unblocked him. After less than five minutes of seeing his profile, I immediately wanted to re-block him. It made me sick!

    Then, a former college friend got a little too close to me while I was engaged (although I was so naive and didn’t realize it at the time, and it went on from 2014 through 2016) blocked me on Facebook almost a year ago. It hurt, at first. And then I realized – It was the best thing that he could have done for me. It was an ugly infatuation situation, and he was a manipulator and a complete narcissist! The things you learn after you come up for air!

    With help from Al and several friends, I’ve tried really hard to put all of that behind me, and I look toward the future with a lighter heart and conscience.

    You are a source of inspiration to me. I love you!

    1. Hi Laura Beth! Oh my gosh what a kind note of encouragement! I am so touched. And gosh, I am so moved by your love story with your husband. It gives me so much hope. And congrats on two years! God is so good. Yeah I’m definitely grateful for the blocking feature too! Why let those negative images fill your head? Onward and upward! And you’re right- taking a step back often reveals a lot more than we could have imagined. You are awesome, friend! Thanks for sharing this! Big hugs xox

      1. You’re so welcome! I’m happy to share my story – So many people think it’s romantic or something like The Notebook, but I know God has His hand in it. I’ve known that from the start! You’re awesome! Thanks for the reply – You’ve made my day! Big hugs to you – I pray for you every day!

      2. You’re right! When God is the author, how can it *not* be a beautiful romance! 😁😁😁 and thanks again. Prayers for you and yours as well😘❤❤❤

  53. BBB wow, like you I struggle with self worth or at least that I’m worthy of being loved, and like you I sometimes will stroll (stalk?) through social media of exes… One in particular who has a blog that I love(i don’t think she knows I read it…. is that wrong?).
    I remember that the first time I felt like maybe I deserved love and happiness was when i was with that beautiful blogger, but I still ended up pushing her away. I wonder if it is a form of control for us to push love away… like I don’t believe the love and I know it will leave me so at least I can control when and why she will leave. It’s not as simple as that of course there is selfishness on my part, refusal to give up old habits, and some narcissism for sure, but the control is part of it.

    I also have finally realized that Jesus loves me, worthy or not, and that I have to trust him to change my heart so that I don’t keep this cycle of pain rolling.

    Thanks again for baring your soul, it’s helpful for me to see that others struggle like I do, and that others are working on those struggles! God bless.
    (and God has someone for you, trust in Him and it will happen!)

    1. I like “strolling” a lot better than stalking 🙂 haha but seriously thanks for sharing this. I’ve never thought of it as perhaps an act of control but you very well may be onto something. Thanks for stopping by and for your awesome encouragement. Big hugs to you xox

  54. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, fanny pack, water bottle and sweatband.

    I too had an issue of allowing myself to BE loved. I did everything in the book…self-sabotage with horrible relationships, pushing people away, all of it. It was only when I realized I was in a relationship truly, one that mirrored someone greater than me, only then could I LET myself be loved. Everything else was lesson in distraction. We all, at one point, feel like we are unworthy of love. Sometimes, I feel like that with my hubby. He is so GOOD to ME. His answer is always the same: Because I love you…and you make good muffins.

    Seriously though, learning to BE loved is harder than it sounds. Love is an action word, not just some sappy, flowery emotion drummed up. It is the deciding to take a breather when you don’t agree. The clothes that remain on his side of the room instead of the laundry basket. My eating the last bit of ice cream …in his face. The disagreements over finances and losing it because you can’t see eye to eye. The deciding to not remain angry and to work it out, to find the middle ground. The contention over who is getting up earlier to get the kid together for school – who is doing pick up or drop off, who is going to do what when…and the unfairness that can creep in when you feel like you’re doing more than the other person.

    I didn’t marry until I was 37. And I thought I would die of loneliness, despite having children already. Trust me when I tell you, you want the one the LORD has chosen for you. He chooses perfectly and it will blow your mind, in EVERY way. Waiting is hard, and we get tempted to ‘help’ the Lord out. We have to go through the season of waiting. The Israelites did this…the whole wilderness experience was so that the Lord could show himself to them in a unique and intimate way. Needless to say, they kinda didn’t get it. Easier said than to do Psalm 46:10 – Be still and KNOW I am God…meaning, get intimate with me and know who I am.

    1. haha bought the fanny pack and sweatband 🙂 that made me chuckle. thank you so much for sharing your story with me. That’s so true – love really is an action. how easily it is to forget that, or to exist in lala land thinking it’s a walk in the park. very sage advice, thank you 🙂 Yes, wait on the one He has in store for me. easier said than done, but then this is my season of practicing patience 🙂 thanks again, my friend. your words are priceless to me! hugs xox

  55. “I’m supposed to let Jesus love me.” Caralyn, there are a couple of things I want to say to you. One: It’s difficult for us to understand the true meaning of unconditional love. What we know as love is transactional love, conditional love, love with strings attached. Not so with Christ. Jesus never asks us to perform or change in order to earn his love – He simply loves, and we are his pearl of great price, his treasure of inestimable value.
    Two: When I was around 60 (I’m 66 now), I still had longings for a husband, but somehow knew God wanted me to know He was enough. I had a habit of signing off my journal entries, “your loving daughter, Susan.” For a year, I changed my sign-off to, “your loving wife, Susan.” At the end of that year, my longing disappeared. Other priorities have taken the place of that longing. Are there days when I feel lonely? Sure. But now, I am joyful in my solitude, and long only for the day I meet my Lord face to face.
    If you fully open your heart to Him, He will fill it until He brings you the one who meant to share your life. <3

    1. Hi Susan, wow, what a beautiful and powerful note. thank you so much. I am seriously so moved. A pearl of great price…i mean, wow. That is just so special. and you’re right, it is almost inconceivable how He loves us with no catch 22. And wow, what a big different a little shift made with you. i’m so glad you’ve found that joy 🙂 Thanks for sharing those things with me. i truly appreciate it. big hugs to you xox

  56. My dear friend (: there is always so much more to be found in Jesus’ love, it’s new every morning and it just doesn’t end. And you’re never a disappointment to him, you never let him down, he never wakes up and goes ‘oh I guess Caralyn doesn’t get so much love today because of x y and z,’ and he is infantessimally for you, he is so, so good and wonderful and all the knowing that we can do doesn’t amount to believing it deeply, and experiencing it deeply <3
    Not that I'm anybody to talk (: I'm just another traveller on this journey of letting Jesus be my reality (: but you just don't regret it ever.

    As for a man, I know the stereotypes are terrible but they're more trouble than they're worth unless they are completely immersed in Jesus' love, too (: But you know something? Father said it isn't good for a man to be alone (probably because we're idiots and we wouldn't last a day) and there's a man out there that Father loves too much to hold you back from you or to let your insecurities (or his) change His plans. He has loved you with an everlasting love (: and he is so faithful and so for you!

    1. Gosh, Carson. This is such a great note. thank you so much. I don’t just *think* you’re right, I *know* you’re right – God’s got someone already planned for me. I just need to have some stinkin patience! haha and seriously, what beautiful encouragement. i am so touched. thanks again. hope all is well with you 🙂 big hugs xox

      1. My pleasure! (:
        Trust the process [= love, patience, life partner, it’s all a process–and when you DO find that man you get to start it alllllll ooooverrrr agaaain, *yaayy!* haha, but as always..Father knows what he’s doing, he’s got good good plans for you, Caralyn (: so trust the process, and trust Father’s love for you and the process will be easier, and gosh darn let Jesus love you! ;D

        I’d be lying if I said all was well (well, all IS well in Father so I guess it’s all in perspective 🙂 ) but *shrug* such is life and marriage 😛

      2. Trust the process. Ok that’s my new motto. Thanks again Carson. This was so uplifting to read this morning. And I’m sorry to hear that things are challenging right now. I’ll say an extra prayer for you and yours. Sending hugs xox

  57. Your transparency, vulnerability, and insights are incredible and refreshing!
    May the Lord continue to work in you, through you, AND on your behalf (you know, for a Brad Pitt looking kinda guy, who has a heart after God too!). 😇😁

  58. Good luck with all that. You seem sincere in your frustration. Now that I say those words together, they sound totally awful. But, honestly, good luck. I guess the rhetoricals aren’t meant to be answered here. At least, I hope not. I guess I can’t say I know exactly what you’re going through. I guess I would be a liar if I said I did.

    1. Haha yeah not a great combination. Thanks Dan. Yeah they don’t have to be answered here. Just something to ponder. Hope you’re having a great afternoon. Hugs and love xox

      1. I don’t really want to be the one to point this out (I am no psychiatrist, just a half-life observer of these things), but you are exhibiting symptoms of bipolar mental illness. Since your Anorexia Awareness Week post, your posts have gone sullen, depressed, but of a sudden, manic (Feminism) and then drunk. I may be seeing this wrong (hopefully, I am), in which case disregard everything I say here. However, in the event that yes, my opinion is that no psychiatrist I have ever met (I’ve met a few) is worth 2 bits. Maybe less than two bits, but certainly not two whole bits. My feeling is once such chemical imbalance sets on, (remembering you were VERY near death in anorexia–you have a tendency to live extremes), a complete renewal process is best. Like eagle’s renewing process where feathers, talons beak, broken, ripped, discarded and all newness regrown. Required for this is a good foundation. I went for suicide, but it seems my foundation was still intact and somehow, now, years later, I survive. Through process renewal, all neurons fractured and grown back stronger, better, more capable. Much more rather than some pill to mask symptoms and land money in rich men’s pockets. But of course, you can do it. You have overcome anorexia. Actually, you may or may not know how closely tied gastrointestinal and mental disorders are. As same chemicals for complex processes of thinking and digestion, then also one affected area often affects the other. As, brain to digestion for me. Possibly, digestive to brain for you. For which reason also psychotropic medications make people fat. The slowing of the brain (all the reuptake inhibitors and blockers and all that jazz mumbo jumbo) blocking brain functions do the same to digestion (slow it down–make body fat), and double trouble (both brain and gastrointestinal) makes your side effects from those meds (in cases where one suffers both in the mental and gastrointestinal) double-bad. Akathesia, and just general discomfort, etc. Anyway, don’t go crazy, and if I spoke out of line, I’m sorry. Nevertheless, if you do start experiencing wide swings in depression and manic stages (and no sleep), it is something to worry. (Not me, not you, really, just those in your potentially destructive path of collateral damage. Ha ha.) But you’ll be fine, even if there is some truth in this.

      2. Hi Daniel, I appreciate your concern but I can assure you I do not have bipolar mental illness. Thank you for bringing your feelings to my attention, but rest assured you have nothing to worry about. Caring for a stroke patient in her recovery tends to be more sullen of an environment so perhaps that is the tone you’re sensing. Thanks 🙂 Hugs and love xox

  59. Oh, my heavens, woman. You are so speaking my language. I’ve been wrestling with those same thoughts of worth for most of my life. My mom, who is one of the strongest people I know, tells herself, “God is crazy about me!” whenever she starts to get down about herself. I realized this morning that God doesn’t make junk. He made me and He loves me and He made me with all this quirks and idiosyncrasies for a reason. So, really, what’s not to love? God loves me, so why can’t I love myself?

    Anyway, more power to you for writing this and posting it out there. I don’t think it’s humiliating at all. 🙂 Love and prayers!

    1. Thank you so much Calista! I’m so glad this hit home with you. I love that! I should start telling myself that every morning : God is crazy about me! amen! Love this response so much. Thanks for the prayers and encouragement! big hugs xo

    2. I’m going to tape ‘God is crazy about me’ to my desk at work…a place I don’t always feel appreciated. Such good advice, Calista. Your mom is a smart cookie, and you too!

  60. “Because if I can’t fully accept the love that He’s poured out for me, how the heck should I expect to accept it from anybody else?”

    A lot of good advice in the comments here. Two things I would add to what you said here. First, you already know how to be loved by your wonderful parents. You are very blessed that way. Many people don’t have this in their life. So, the way you receive love from your father is how you can receive love from God as your Father. Just let Him love you the same way. 🙂

    Second thing is related to the first: we always attract a person with equal relational dysfunction (but usually in opposite ways). For instance, if you’re insecure, you’ll end up with someone controlling, etc. If you still feel unworthy of love, you won’t find someone who loves you like your father (Father) does, unconditionally. You can even open yourself to an abusive relationship in more extreme cases.

    Maybe this is what you still need. A better estimation of yourself. To be convinced that you DESERVE to be loved (because God made you to be loved). Love is never about performance. It’s self-giving and other-centered.

    You are in a good place right now, Caralyn. Because, as someone once said, it’s better to be single than wish you were….
    Blessings.

    1. Gosh, Mel. Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply. I always walk away from your comments having learned something important of gained a profound perspective, and this didn’t fail to achieve either of those things! That’s so interesting about attracting the opposite – I’ve never thought about that before, but I think you’re absolutely right. And amen – I do feel incredibly blessed to have the parents that I do. Thanks for this encouragement. big big hugs to you xox

      1. After counseling with hundreds of couples, I can assure you it’s very true. Just make sure it’s the “opposite” you actually want to spend the rest of your life with. See how they treat their mother (opposite sex), what kind of friends they have. These are all good indicators of what you’re going to get after the “la la la” (blind infatuation) wears off. 🙂

      2. That’s such great advice. haha yes! How they treat their mother! THat’s such a great indicator. that, and how they treat the waiter or waitress! 🙂 agreed! hugs xo

  61. Stay true to yourself, the right one will come in due time. It’s funny I had given up on dating because of the terrible choices I’d made and just when I decided to step back and let God take care of it instead of me, it happened. I found my man or should I say my man found me over 24 years ago at Shoney’s of all places :). No way was I looking or thinking about a man but what I was having for breakfast and there he sat waiting to enter my life and he did and it has been the best relationship. Honestly, with everyday ups and downs but my man forever as long as God leaves us in each others lives. It will happen especially with your kind heart and spirit, so don’t dare cheat yourself with someone who doesn’t deserve you. Have a wonderful and Blessed Day!!!

    1. At Shoneys! Ohmy gosh that’s awesome. We always used to go there for breakfast after church on Sundays. What an awesome story, Corrie. Thanks for sharing that. it seriously gives me so much hope. And wow, 24 years strong – congrats, my friend. that is so incredible and a beautiful testimony of love!!! You’re right – I’ve got to let God be the matchmaker, and allow Him to bring the right man into my life. Who knows, it could be at brunch on Sunday 🙂 🙂 🙂 Thanks again for sharing this. big big hugs xo

  62. Please, check links to your affiliate partners. I know they are important to you, so I just see that they are not properly marked up in HTML. Namely, Reebook, Masterclass & Hosting got some wrong symbols.

  63. I thought for a long time about whether or not I’d ever get married due to being Christian. I decided I had demands for a man and I would be unwavering. I thought those demands were unlikely to be met but then I met my hubby in the most unlikely manner: penapals. (Long story) Keep on praying girl, he is there.

    1. Hi Stiina thank you so much for sharing this. what a fun story! you’re right, you just never know where God will bring him into your life! thanks for the encouragement. big hugs xo

  64. I’m still a singleton, Caralyn, (& quite a bit older than you.) In my ’20s (&’30s if I’m honest) I struggled with the issues you’ve shared in this tipsy post. I even wrote a singleton’s prayer while working in Africa (can certainly dust it off for you!) I guess the key is asking God for the grace to be content in all situations? dating, single, skinny (or voluptuous, as my sister counseled when the pounds piled up.) If you were married, how could you be helping your mom right now? Treasure that time (I miss my Mama so, so much!) Now that both my Mama & Papa have passed, there’s a huge hole in my heart – the legacy of their love still surrounds me, but it’s hard. Very hard. When we’re alone, on our own, it can be an opportunity to draw closer to the Heart of Christ. (I’m a Sacred Heart groupie!) As we draw closer to the heart of Jesus, letting His love heal our hurts & fill the broken places in our hearts, we become more whole… & centered… & open to whatever (and/or whomever) God has in store for us. You know, not looking to men to affirm us, because God’s got that? And then, it’s healthier all around (Men are just desserts & the main course is supplied by God?)

    Huge blessings to you, Caralyn – know that you are a beautiful, beloved daughter of our Heavenly King! grace, peace & singletons prayers – Virginia 🙂

    1. Hi Virginia, thank you so much for sharing this beautiful note of encouragement. Wow, what a powerful perspective. I’m so sorry that your parents are no longer with you on earth, but how comforting to know that they are with the Lord, and we will all be reunited one day in Heaven 🙂 I know that doesn’t make the longing for them any easier. but know that you’re in my heart and prayers. and that’s true – this is an opportunity to draw closer to the heart of Christ. and you’re so right – if i were married, or even in a serious relationship back in nyc, i wouldn’t be able to be here with my mom. thanks again for sharing your heart. big hugs to you xox

  65. That was so powerful and heartfelt, too! Thanks for sharing this one. Know what? At one point or another, we have all felt the same way-unworthy, undeserving, or just afraid to let someone in-into our most vulnerable, unmasked selves. But, that’s ok, because reaching that self-love connected to our “Higher” love is the ultimate goal/prize. Having another to love us, and return that love becomes only our ‘icing on the cake’ that is us!

    1. Thank you so much JaDonnia. (what a beautiful name by the way!) but you’re so right, i think this is a pretty universal feeling. amen – our high love is the ultimate goal and prize. thanks for this powerful perspective. so glad you stopped by! big big hugs xox

  66. This. All of this. Mildly intoxicated or not- you lead with a question that many twenty something’s wonder, as well. You are beautiful, and witty, and wonderful! He’s out there, and he is looking for you as well! * cheers*

    1. Aw, thank you so much! I so appreciate your encouraging words. I do believe that He’s out there. I just need to be patient and allow my heart to get ready to love and be loved 🙂 big hugs to you xo

  67. 1 Cor 7; 6-9, 32-35: I’m not saying you must marry; but you certainly may if you wish. I wish everyone could get along without marrying, just as I do. But we are not all the same. God gives some the gift of a husband or wife,and others he gives the gift of being able to stay happily unmarried. So I say to those who aren’t married, and to widows–better to stay unmarried if you can, just as I am. But if you can’t control yourselves, go ahead and marry. It is better to marry than to burn with lust….In all you do, I want you to be free from worry. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man can’t do that so well; he has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. It is the same with a girl who marries. She faces the same problem. A girl who is not married is anxious to please the Lord in all she is and does. But a married woman must consider other things such as housekeeping and the likes and dislikes of her husband. I am saying this to help you, not to try to keep you from marrying. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few other things as possible to distract your attention from him.”

    Hi, Carolyn, I share these biblical passages with you not, as St.Paul says, to discourage you from marriage, or thoughts of marriage. But to remind you that you are not doing something “wrong”, nor is there anything “wrong” with you for still being single at this point in your life. Before you can allow someone to love you, you have to learn to love yourself. Not as a form of conceit or narcissism, selfishness or self-centeredness, but in a healing way, a way that accepts you as is, as a child of God. Imperfect but absolutely beautiful. You have to believe that you are worthy of that love–and you are! But, if you don’t believe it in your heart, it will only do harm to the relationship. Take if from a voice of experience. I did not believe I was truly worthy and I clung to my first husband like a vine, in a state of absolute lunacy if he was late coming home from somewhere. When we split up, that’s when my bout with E.D. started. I dropped 7 dress sizes in about as many weeks. When I met my second husband, determined not to push him away by clinging too tightly, I withdrew completely, denying him the love and true friendship that should be at the core of every marriage. My situation is a little different; I have intimacy issues due to a step-father who wanted too much to do with me, and that played a hand in the dissolution of both marriages but I wish I had known these passages from the Bible and really gave myself time to heal, to think of what I really wanted, and to give myself permission to be single…even if every matchmaker on earth turned up every Tom, Dick and Harry they knew. No, I’m not being cynical about love, nor do I hate men. But Jesus also commands us to love our neighbor as ourselves. How can we do that if we do not have that self-love? And, while well-intentioned, far too many live to poke their noses into other’s lives about marriage–or the lack thereof. Again, it must sound like I am discouraging you from marrying. Exactly the opposite. Love yourself enough to heal completely. And especially love God enough to know that He has a plan afoot for you and maybe this is simply not your time for that kind of love. Maybe He is molding and shaping you for exactly your Mr. Right and, when He is ready, Mr. Right will show up in that unexpected way and be everything–and more–that you hoped for. Those young men you spoke of? They may have been willing to marry you but maybe you pushed them away because some part of you, some secret place inside your heart, knew they weren’t The One for you. Not yet. Google the lyrics to Garth Brooks” Unanswered Prayers. It is a song about him running into his old high school flame, remembering how devastated he was when they broke up and then looking at the woman he did marry and appreciating that God knew best. Trust the Lord. If/when you and your future soul mate are ready, He will bring you together. In the meantime, enjoy the life you have and don’t worry about what others think. Marriage is not for everyone. But, for those that find that special someone, it can be a beautiful thing. Be patient. Let go. And let God. Peace! =)

    1. Hi Lisa, thank you so much for sharing your story. gosh, it sounds like you have had quite the journey. And I am so happy for you that you’ve found a place of peace. you’re so right, there are many different paths our lives can take, and not one is better than the other. If God wants me to be single, then I should embrace that with my whole heart because it is His will. And thank you for sharing those verses with me. Let go and let God. that’s such great advice. thanks again my friend. big hugs xox

  68. What a beautifully honest post. It is sometimes easier to accept the “invisible” love of Jesus than to accept that love flowing through a visible touchable human being. relationship especially incarnational relationship (those relationships we practice to let the love of God, the relationship of God through into our lives) is hard. I am not just talking about the work that such relationship takes but the strength it takes to just allow it.

  69. There is a certain, well, satisfaction that comes from residing in Christ’s love and letting His joy be our sole purpose. I agree that love is something we need to learn to accept, especially because the love that is most radically life-altering is that which we do not deserve and could never earn. Your father is indeed a man of great wisdom, and I wager any man who wins your heart and affection would do well to imitate your father’s character. Thank you for your honesty and the reminder of what “being loved” is all about!

    1. Thanks so much Luke! That’s so true – there is peace in Him. Thanks for speaking this truth. I really needed to hear it. I am definitely very blessed to have such a great dad. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

  70. Boy perspective time. I have told my kids, 23 and 19 there is NO hurry to get married. Adventures abound in the world, and it is much easier to experience them when you are young and unmarried. Once the wedding happens, then the talk goes to houses, kids, college funds…. Adulting truly starts….

    Enjoy what life throws at you, go on these adventures (shoot you never know who you might meet Ziplining in Washington State or river rafting the Grand Canyon. Letting yourself live your life will attract the right people, including the right man, into your life.

    And just for the record. your ex’s new girl may have a bigger rack, but I highly doubt she is a truly lovely you are inside and out.

    Take care lady 🙂

    1. Hi Tony! Oh gosh, thank you so much for this beautiful encouragement. You’re right, there’s no rush. Zip lining in Washington state! Wow what an incredible adventure! Maybe I’ll just have to take that trip to Iceland next year with my friends. Maybe meet an interesting international fella! Haha thanks again. Hugs and love xox

  71. Such a moving post! I bring some hope. I stood in your shoes a few years back. It took a lot of work to get myself ready.

    Thing is, none of my relationships really worked before, and I couldn’t even find people to be interested in.

    And then, literraly the week I resolved my last big issue (also being open to being loved), I met my nightingale. At first a friendship, but a few months later we started dating.

    We are together for more than a year and a half now, and both happier than ever!

    God waited for me to be ready first. He chose to put the right person on my path the moment I became ready. All I had to do is ready myself.

    Thank you for another inspiring post, and I too hope and pray that you will find the right man.

    With caring regards

    Havoc

    1. Thanks so much Havoc 🙂 oh this gives me so much hope. I’m so glad you’re in such a great relationship! That’s really great advice – I’ve got to ready myself. Thanks for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

  72. Hey Caralyn (I got your name right – sorry for calling you Anna) you ARE worth it but you’ll only get what you attract. If you go round saying you’re a Christian but get drunk and use swear words on your blog, that’s the type of guy you’ll attract. If you want to be taken seriously honey, take your faith seriously because you are worth MORE than a Christian man who uses expletives and can’t hold his drink. Be the Queen God wants you to be and you will get your King – I know you can do it because you’ve got more than 24000 followers who are behind you and who love, love, love, your blogs. I find this one offensive but I am not perfect either so I will not say any more. I’m sure there are many who have been blessed by this blog just like I have with your others xxx

    1. Hi Sharon, thank you so much for sharing this. I apologize that you took offense to this blog post. That was not my intent at all! A lot of good food for thought here. “Your vibe attracts your tribe” as they say. Just so you know, I rarely drink, and we were celebrating two of my family members’ birthdays that evening, and it was my first drink in over 3 months! Not making excuses, just want you to know that I am not some sort of lush or something 🙂 hehe But thank you for your encouraging words. I do believe God has a good man out there for me 🙂 hugs ox

      1. Yea I figured that was the case and I’ve learnt that different Christians are offended by different words. I used to use the word ‘crap’ all the time because to me it means trash or rubbish. But to my husband this is as bad as saying S–t, and he asked me to stop saying it. As for the drunk thing, none of us are perfect and we all ‘show up’ God form time to time.I guess with blogging, people don’t really know the real you so there is a risk of people misunderstanding and I wouldn’t want your future hubby to be put off – ya never know, he might have been reading it. 🙂 But anyway, thank you for responding graciously and not being defensive. I’m sure there’ll be things you will have to pull me up on at some point;-) Have a blessed day xx

      2. Haha so true! Wouldn’t that be wild for God to use my blog to bring my future husband and I together?! I wouldn’t put it past Him!! Haha actually, my mom thinks that I’ll meet him as a result of this blog! Thanks again. You are a blessing to me! Hugs and love xox

  73. We love your post. It seems like you’ve grown and lot and have overcome hurdles most people can’t imagine. You seemed to have found yourself. Your writing shows your wittiness and your sense of humor while still talking about your serious struggles.
    The tipsy typing was our favorite 😉
    Best of luck to you and many hugs!
    -Amanda and Kerin

    1. Hi Amanda and Kerin!! haha, aw thanks so much 🙂 what a kind note of encouragement! i really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond 🙂 big hugs back to you!

  74. What a beautiful and relateable post. We’ve all felt that way at some time. Keep doing what you’re doing. The scripture in Matthew 6:25-34 puts it well that God knows your needs and will take care of them. We just need to trust. I think you’re doing fine.

  75. I think you hit it on the head, there. You have to let Jesus love you, really love you, and be complete in that. Often, we look for someone else to complete us. But, we have to be honest, we’re all broken and carry a lot of baggage. We’re essentially telling someone “Yeah, I know you’re broken, but fix me! Complete me!” It sounds selfish when we put it that way – and I didn’t figure that out until after marriage. When we look to Jesus completing us, fixing us, it makes it so much easier to go to someone and say “I’ll carry that burden with you.” Note, I said easier, but not easy. 🙂

    1. Thanks Russell. I really appreciate that. And wow – what an awesome shift in perspective. that really makes a lot of sense. That way, Jesus is completing us, and our spouse doesn’t have that unattainable pressure. thanks for stopping by! big hugs xox

  76. I apologize that this comment is coming so late after your blog post but I didn’t know how to say it or the right words but I prayed about it, and here we go 🙂

    1)Ask God to bring you the husband He wants you to have.

    2)After you do that, every night, or morning, or whenever you pray( and every time you pray after you ask Him) say, “thank you God for bringing me the husband You want me to have” as if it is already done, because it is.

    3)Now, quit looking 🙂 or thinking about it because you won’t miss him. God will bring your husband in such a way that you will trip right over him.

    1. Oh my gosh wow! This hit me right in the heart. Thank you so much. What awesome advice. Those three steps are absolutely to not only the right husband God has planned out for me, and for peace from knowing it is in His hands! I am seriously so grateful for this. Thank you for praying for those words and sharing them with me. You are such a blessing to me, my friend. Sending incredibly massive hugs 🙂 xox

      1. Ain’t that the truth 🙂 He is more than I deserve that’s for sure!! I don’t know why He would ever love a mess like me, yes I do 🙂 His word says so 😉 God Bless you my friend. Looking forward to your next post 🙂

  77. My favorite part was when you said, “I’m supposed to let Jesus love me.” AMEN!!!!

    It truly embodies this Lent and Easter season. HE went to the cross and rose from the dead because He loves you and me and ALL His children. Isn’t He just awesome? 🙂

  78. Caralyn,
    Were you meeting with my mother?
    In all seriousness, I wrote a blog on “Are you worthy,” and about the only thing I can tell you is this: Although different people show different levels of confidence, I offer you this tidbit … if everyone waited to feel totally worthy, there would be a world of single people out there.
    I believe we all ask ourselves that, some, just more than others. Many people, when something goes wrong in a relationship, don’t realize that feeling worthy of someone is always back there in our mind.
    So, I know it is hard to say (coming from someone who deals and has dealt with the same feelings), but, just go out there and be yourself and accept yourself as you are … it’s hard to do sometimes, but when you really know who you are, it will be easier.
    Keep on blogging, intoxicated or not. Peace!

    1. Hey John! oh wow, this was such a powerful comment to read. thank you so much. you’re right, just gotta get out there and let myself be who I am! i really appreciate the encouragement. big hugs xo

  79. The longest distance is from the head to the heart…
    I’ve been dealing with accepting Christ’s love – truly, fully – all my life, despite knowing in my mind that it’s true; most of my struggle comes from the consistent barrage of failure around me – human failure when it comes to “love”. I know better than to assign humanness to God, but in my defense, I’m human… A daily struggle to feel deserving of being loved (especially when some days, the only one doing the loving is God Himself…)
    Hang in there!

  80. So so good. And yes, we all do that on Facebook. And yes, we do deserve love. And no, the rejections or hurts of the past don’t dictate the things we are entitled to now.
    Thank you for the reminder. X

  81. Wow! This post stayed w/ me so I’ve come back with my 2 cents. Sheesh… You’ve given me a lot to think about. Where to start. Still processing that be loved stuff. Anyway …First off… I too also thought your name was Ana. Go figure! I have Ana’s mom on my prayer list. Second off… I think that what we all suspect is whats really the case.

    I struggled for too many seasons here and there with my singleness but strangely enough over time I found being single to be something quite pleasant. I actually have come to like it. It can grow on you. And its not because of reasons like I have a lot of hobbies, stupid toys, careerism, am rolling in the dollars, freedom or whatever… No I am not sure how to explain it but I think God can actually give us a peace in it. Something like that. It crept up on me. But …

    But… then there is also the observation that I have made and read about… the bit about our suspicions… The if-only’s never stop – “If only I were married. If only I had sex or if only a baby or if …” They never will fill our hole. Deep down inside we suspect this, but up up above we always think they will. In fact we find married folks come full circle and saying if-only I were single then … I would be full. No. It all comes back to God filling us. What we receive, we must receive from God. And in His time all things work out: Philippians 4:19. Ciao! Raj

    1. Oh my gosh, thank you so much! I’m so glad it resonated with you in that way! Haha yeah, it’s caralyn! 😁 and gosh thank you for the prayers. That means the world. And what a powerful perspective. That really hits home with me! Gotta chuck the if onlys out the window and allow (and receive) God’s peace and fulfillment. God is good and His timing perfect. I just have to trust that. Thanks again Hugs and love xox

  82. You are so beautiful, your post says a LOT about you. The way you put yourself to us out here … 🙂 beautiful really.

    First, u r not alone in this Facebook staking 😛 coming from me and friends who confide on me, yup so no worries there!

    Second, about lent … before lent started, i was so angry inside. i did go to confession though and said just that, that i am angry and dont feel like giving up anything. Do you know what i was told then?

    Do you love Jesus?
    I said Yes course i do or i would’nt be here! (I was still mad!)
    Then he said … : Well, there’s sthg wrong in your understanding of love my daughter, if you love him, then you would be ready to sacrifice or give up a little sthg or do sthg that just tells him you do love him back …

    I left confession so angry, then the next morning, i found myself stronger than ever, fasting not because i chose to, by mind, but because i felt it in my heart that i need to do this, because i loved Him and felt i needed to do that for him.
    That day … i know He up there celebrated, cause i felt him move me, in my life, i felt him again despite all the rancor and hopelessness i felt during lent period:)

    PS: sorry if i rambled on, u just reminded me of quite a few things 🙂 thank you, for sharing yourself like that. We deserve to be loved. And when we know that, we will know how to keep a guy around, instead of pushing them away. You’ll know he’s worth to keep and the one to love you, no regrets, ever, because HIS eyes up there and HIS love never ever leave anyone astray, especially not a believer like you.

    With all my love,
    Joy

    (that’s me in the link, if you were wondering a bit about me: https://wegrowthroughothers.wordpress.com/2015/10/31/self-help-tips-for-life/

    1. Hi Joy! Oh wow, thank you so much for this beautiful response. What a powerful confession experience. I think you’re right, sometimes we have to hear something uncomfortable in order to spark a change. Sounds like I need to hear that message too:) thanks for the encouragement! Hugs and love xox

  83. “I’m supposed to let Jesus love me.”

    I think that is a lot of what my sin-guilt problem I have posted about could be solved with. And here I was thinking I just need to accept His forgiveness when I should just accept His love. You just peeled another piece away from the film blinding my eyes.

    I don’t want to sound like another guy in your comments telling you what you want to hear because your pretty, but you will find Love. (Here comes the typical mystical part) It may not be with who you have in your mind or end up how you thought it would. Be open (not saying your not) be honest with yourself (again, not saying your not) as much as we would like finding love to be like a fairytale movie (and yes some guys would love to fall in love like the movies) sometimes it’s not the way hollyweird makes a love story truly magical but it is our own stories that puts those stories to shame.

    I hope you all the best. Stay blessed and I can’t wait to read more!

    1. Hollyweird…that’s funny. i’ve never heard that before. Thanks so much Scruffy, for this awesome encouragement. You’re right, I’ve just got to have an open mind and let God do the rest. So glad you stopped by. big hugs xox

    1. Yeah, it’s always strange to see who they ended up with. I always just end up comparing the new person to myself. That’s a habit I’ve got to ditch in 2017! Thanks for stopping by! hugs xox

  84. Yes you got it! You will be so much happier now and so will your future spouse! Once we get the ” I love myself” part, it is a little easier. You are ahead of the game, I took 20 more years than you are, to figure that out! God Bless, and prayers for your path, and the guy who will walk into it!

  85. Never imagined you a fan or follower of the WWE.

    You’ll be beautiful with smile lines.

    Be thankful; everything in its season.

  86. There is time and season for everything. Everything will work out together for your good.

  87. Caralyn, have you ever read “So You’re Single” by Edith Margaret Clarkson? It is widely circulated in young adult ministries.

    Edith was a remarkable woman. Born in 1915, she lived an unmarried life. In 1975, at the age of 60, she wrote this book which intimately revealed her angst at being single:

    “Through no fault or choice of my own, I am unable to express my sexuality in the beauty and intimacy of Christian marriage, as God intended when he created me a sexual being in his own image.

    My whole being cries out continually for something I may not have. My whole life must be lived in the context of this never-ceasing tension. My professional life, my social life, my personal life, my Christian life – all are subject to its constant and powerful pull. As a Christian I have no choice but to obey God, cost what it may. I must trust him to make it possible for me to honor him in my singleness.

    That this is possible, a mighty cloud of witnesses will join me to attest. Multitudes of single Christians in every age and circumstances have proved God’s sufficiency in this matter. He has promised to meet our needs and he honors his word. If we seek fulfillment in him, we shall find it. It may not be easy, but whoever said that Christian life was easy? The badge of Christ’s discipleship was a cross.

    Why must I live life alone? I do not know. But Jesus Christ is LORD of my life. I believe in the sovereignty of God, and I accept my singleness from his hand. He could have ordered my life otherwise, but he has not chosen to do so. As his child, I must trust his love and wisdom.”

    Her message still resonates today with Christians under 30. We, who have never been married, are among the “multitudes of single Christians in every age” who have proven that God’s grace and sufficiency is more than enough to overcome our singleness.

    And it imitates how Paul lived the Christian life:

    … for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances (Philippians 4:11).

    If I’m feeling lonely I always turn to this verse …

    I wish that all were as I myself am … (1 Corinthians 7:7).

    Paul was unmarried. His point was that being single is a gift from God though it is difficult for us to recognize, or even understand, His will.

    The other day I was thinking of an old romantic crush that I might have married so I looked her up on the Internet and found out that she died a year ago. It was God’s desire to spare me such loss. We don’t have the foresight to know what is best so we just have to trust the Lord.

    1. Wow, thank you so much for sharing this with me. I have never heard of that book or author, but I will definitely look into it. She sound like a prolific writer. That’s so true – Jesus wasn’t married either. Singleness is not all bad. I guess i need a shift in perspective. I’m so sorry to hear that about your former crush. that is so tragic. sending big hugs xox

  88. Love. You’re so honest and it’s ministering straight to peoples’ hearts. Thank you for being vulnerable! It’s inspiring and what you have to say is very encouraging!

  89. Glad you are so self aware (even when tipsy). Understand that it takes God a long time to get us guys up to your standards. Certainly the lucky guy will be worth it!

  90. Loving ourselves is oddly challenging, isn’t it? But realizing you don’t is the all important first step. Don’t be afraid (easy to say of course). And don’t have preconceptions about what “it” is going to look like or be like- two big things it took me a while to grasp. Life has an interesting way of giving you what you really have been looking for all along- just keep your eyes open and of course most importantly your heart. For yourself, for everyone. Pain is an Instructor- it doesn’t need to be the Master OR the Navigator, either. more *bear hugs*.

    1. Hi again 🙂 Yes. It. Is! And boy, isn’t that the truth – Pain *is* an instructor. I’ve never heard that before, but I like it a lot. Thanks again for reading my stuff tonight. hope you have a beautiful weekend! xox

      1. Hey, a handsome stranger gave me half his sandwich yesterday- which I came home and ate before I could share it with my Partner but still. It’s looking good…..

  91. Perhaps I need to start on the vodka and sodas 😀 Both for the insights and the writing style. And the liberation??!

    Not feeling worthy of love is a challenge. I totally get that challenge. On one hand, be grateful and thankful that you are in the time and place to know you are loved by Christ. That isn’t inconsequential, and many of us struggle with that (cough cough). You went through some major major valleys to get to Him, but you know it was worth it; you found a pearl of great worth….

    The corollary to “don’t be afraid to let someone love you” is “don’t be afraid to love someone.” (and not in the “love the one you’re with” kind). Your previous relationships could be some of each. Loving someone is scary. Exhilarating! but scary. In some ways it’s just as challenging as a relationship with God. Both take faith, since the outcome isn’t known. But keep it in mind that you have to be willing to take that leap.

    Of course, what do I know about love? I’ve been wrestling with God for years, lost a love four years ago, and still see myself as unlovable, unloved, and unloving. But keep plugging along, sister. Our God loves you, His Creation loves you, and you are worthy of both loving and being loved.
    xoxo

    1. hahah thanks Jeff! You’re so right – those valleys were 100% worth it. I am definitely excited to love someone. That is something that makes my heart flutter 🙂 And gosh, Jeff, I’m so sorry to hear about your lost love. That just breaks my heart. God’s got you. You have so much love to offer and any woman will be blessed to be loved by you! 🙂 hugs to you xox

  92. Let me tell you as an experienced wiser lady… Do not be in a hurry. Wait for God. Why? Because He knows whether the man will change and what his real morals and motives are. I am on marriage 2, having come out of a 10 year abusive relationship and now in a marriage with a sex addict. Honey, you do not know what a man is really like until you are deep in it. God knows though, so trust Him and His timing. You are so loved!!! Let that warm you for a while and I will pray for your future husband and you do that too. Love you!! XO

    1. Hi Tonya 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing your story. Gosh, I am so sorry that you had to endure an abusive relationship. That just positively breaks my heart. Know that you did not deserve that, and that you deserve to be cherished for the precious gift you are. That’s really great advice. Trust Him and His timing – yes! *much* easier said than done, but then that is the best and only way to live.thanks for this heartfelt comment. big hugs to you xox

      1. You are good to know God wants good for you. When that may be found in a man, he will come to you. God bless this process for you. You are amazing! 🙂

  93. Dear Carolyn take courage. I often am encouraged by your writing. I am inspired by the real life storytelling you use. It is important to realize. Continue to love like a bright red rose. Those who speak against you are foolish. I know this because it’s in ecclesiastics Continue to write the way you do. God has given you the technology to speak the hearts and minds of those involved in such unfortunate circumstances. Some times the can be unruly and full of evil. Don’t pay attention to the devils dummies on the internet or on the street protesting. Think on things that are lovely, pure and honest…

    You have let your test be a testimony. WE LOVE YOU CAROLYN!!! God gets the Glory!

  94. Hi Ms. Caralyn,

    Im Tjane from the Philippines. Id like to let you know how I like this post. I saw this in my inbox days ago but I just read it now, guess Id be missing so much lesson if I didn’t read this at all. Indeed you deserve to be loved. Everyone does!

    I can relate to you pushing away your ex feeling you don’t deserve their love… been there, done that. I also check him on social media sometimes.

    I was struck when you said:

    “Because if I can’t fully accept the love that *He’s* poured out for me, how the heck should I expect to accept it from anybody else?”

    That one needs so much reflection. Thank you! Im glad to find a blogger like you writing about the same faith with Jesus that I have. May you continue what you do. God bless you!

    P.S. Im not sure you’re gonna read this, but I hope you do. Jesus loves you. You deseve to be loved.

    Tessa Jane Palmiano

    1. Thanks again, Tessa. I am just seriously so moved by your comments this morning. thank you with all my heart. this is going to stay with me all day. I’m so glad our paths crossed! you are a blessing to me! big big hugs xox

  95. I kid you not – I actually had to sit down when I go to the part about the laugh lines. You see, I’m 27 now; I did the college thing, graduated, got a good job, fulfilled my parents’ dreams, and have a pretty stable life. But it’s still empty at times. I was at my second “job” when I read your post – frying up some french fries and mozzarella sticks for softball concessions – and I had to stop what I was doing to finish reading this. Because it’s like it came straight from my heart.
    I was looking in the mirror just the other day, thinking to myself how I wish I had found someone before the laugh lines appeared. I’m 27 and have never felt what it’s like to be loved by someone. Sometimes this alone is enough to make me want to curl up on my couch and refuse any human interaction for a while. It’s hard. Really hard. So I understand your struggle, and how easily it is to get discouraged.
    So, for what it is worth, I wanted you to know that reading this was a huge encouragement to me. Because it really does help when you realize you aren’t alone in your struggles. That there are other single people out there. And that there shouldn’t be any shame in longing for a husband or relationships to fill those voids in your life.
    Connection is a universal longing. I just need to be reminded of that sometimes.
    Blessings to you.
    -Haley

    1. Hey again Haley! 🙂 Oh, I’m so glad this struck a chord with you. I totally hear you. It is hard. But I believe that there is a good plan in store — and in the works as we speak! — for both of us. I do believe that. I am so inspired by how you’re working so hard and making your mark on the world. You rock my friend. Hang in there. 🙂 Biggest of hugs xox

  96. Not that it’s worth anything :p but before I met my wife I promised Jesus I would give up on looking for love. I promised Him that He would be my love. I dug deep into Him, and when I was ready, He gave me the perfect woman for me! Like you said, not what you’re giving up, but what you need to do, let Him love you! Love reading your blog.

  97. Great post. I always enjoy your writings but this in particular is exceptional. All that you said in here…feels like you took the words right out of my mouth and honestly felt like you were talking about me and my life! Lol.

      1. It’s just Alex lol. I guess that means I need to alter my name on here slightly haha. You’ll find love eventually. We both will! Age is just a number when it comes to love/finding “The One”. I have hope for you!

      2. oh hahah i’m so sorry about that!! The little thumbnail is about the size of a pea on my computer and i can’t see it! oops! I’m so sorry about that!! I believe you’re right! Love is out there…for the both of us! 🙂 thanks again Alex! 🙂 hugs xox

  98. Honestly. You are such a wonderful woman, with whom I could easily imagine that I am close to her or even marry her. You are very attractive, not just physical, but especially spiritual. I promise you that all your concerns are nothing in the presence of love. All your fear is dissolved. But perhaps it is a good start to marry yourself. And marry you every day anew.

    YOU ARE MORE THAN WORTHY! YOU ARE A MAGNIFICENT BEAUTIFUL QUEEN OF THE DIVINE KINGDOM! 🙂 I love you. Bear hugs* 😀

  99. Funny I…er umm…have a friend that totally looks up his ex’s too. I just can’t help myself I guess…He…he, can’t help himself. Ha!

  100. Don’t let anyone determine your worth. You are a daughter of the most high. And you are unique and your beauty and talent lie in the grace of all your actions.

  101. If you know you’re worthy of love then start with the one in the mirror. No disrespect to your dad..but he should have told you know that you are lovable, not worthy to be loved. Knowing you are lovable builds your self-esteem. Telling you you deserved to be loved gives the job to someone else which means you don’t own your own sense of self. We have got to stop telling girls to rely on others (men) for their sense of self, purpose and love. Love yourself. You can not give away that which you do not own. Good post.

    1. Thanks Tammi, I appreciate you sharing your perspective. I agree that no person should rely on another for their sense of self. Amen to that. My dad builds me up every day, and I am so grateful to him for that. His comment came out of love after talking to him about love and boyfriends and fears of being vulnerable and open to love. His words were exactly what I needed to hear in that moment 🙂 Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I’m really glad you stopped by. Big hugs xox

      1. And I totally understand the fears of being vulnerable and open to love…i was in the car when I saw your response so I couldn’t finish my reply 😉

      2. Yeah, vulnerability is definitely frightening. I’m grateful to have a father I feel safe sharing my thoughts with. I definitely do not take that for granted. Thanks again for stopping by. 🙂 Hugs and love xox

  102. Oh gosh !! I feel the same and I pretty much am in the same boat single and wanting to be loved ! Seeing people around me married and having children had made me realise that this is what I want more that anything ! . I loved the honesty of your post. And excuse the poor punctuation and grammar I too am drunk commenting 😂😂. Take care and keep making more amazing posts ! Really enjoyed this much love x

  103. Love it! Keep strong! Best to be ready when ‘the one’ comes along .. then everything can move quickly! Hopeful for you. #beautifulinside

  104. You’ll find someone, unexpectedly. You’re waiting. At least you’re doing all the prep work now so that when the right one comes along, you can open up and take the plunge. Self-love comes first.
    I’ve not done the FB-stalking-of-ex thing…. I did do it while getting to know my current boyfriend though when we were still in the friends/mutual-crushing-without-the-other-knowing stage. Just to make sure my crush was realistic. 😉

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