Remember Who You Are

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Today I am sharing with you part of my soul.

And you may be a bit confused, because, hello – this blog kind of is my soul, which I have willingly put out onto the internet ((what am I thinking??))

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But this, today…this is a sacred part of my heart.

A part that I do not share with very many people, because for me it is quite intimate.

I’m sharing with you my voice.

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I was recently asked what to say to someone who is in the throes of the anorexia.

And this is a hard question. Because when you’re in the midst of the disease, as with any addiction, it is all consuming. Quite literally. You’ve gotten yourself so engulfed in the rituals surrounding food, the rules for yourself, the obscene exercise, the lies you’ve spun, the isolation and pushing people away, the obsession over food, the self-punishment, the avoidance of social situations, the explosive blow ups with family members — in short, you are not you any more.

You’ve forgotten who you are.


That’s what makes anorexia so hard to break free from. You become a shell of your former self. A shell that doesn’t feel. Doesn’t love. Doesn’t care about any thing or any one, other than ED.

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So. Back to the question?

How does one break free? What do you say to someone who is in the throes?

First and foremost, it’s all about Jesus. And conceptually, we know that. But what does that actually look like? How does one go about that?

The answer: Remembering who you are.

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Finding a key that links you back to who you were before your disease.

Like a pin-prick in a piece of black construction paper that can let a tiny beam of light in. That’s all it takes. A tiny little pin-point of light can begin to shatter the hard, exterior walls ED has built.

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For me, it was singing.

Ever since I was a child, I have been a singer. In musicals, in choirs, into the hair brush to the bathroom mirror. I loved singing.

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I remember telling people that I feel most alive when I am on stage singing. That there is a part of my spirit which can only be tapped into when I am singing.

And when I was in my anorexia, that part of me was suppressed. It died. I didn’t sing. Didn’t listen to music. Didn’t even really use my voice at all except during fights with loved ones over intake or inpatient or my future.

And it wasn’t until I got to inpatient, where we had chapel every single day with praise and worship music, that I began to use my voice again. I began to sing.

And it was singing those songs about Jesus and how much He loves us, and using my voice, that I slowly began to remember who I was.

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My voice was the “horcrux” ((Harry Potter geek!!)) that enabled the lifeless, soulless, ED-controlled me to get a teeny-tiny glimpse of the “old” me. The me that was free from the tortured reality of anorexia. The me that loved other people, and loved myself, and found joy in life and joy in bringing light to other people.

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It brought me out of the darkness and began to chip away at the walls I had built.

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The episode in particular, was the song, “Here I am to Worship” and the line was “I’ll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross.” To see my eating disorder upon that cross. To see my lying and manipulation and rage and hurtful remarks yelled in anger — my anorexia — was on the cross. Jesus died to forgive me of that. To take it away because He loves me.

And He loves you too. All those things are on the cross for you as well.

After I sang those lyrics, I smiled for the first time in a year and a half. Literally. I genuinely smiled. And did a sort of laugh-cry, because I knew I was forgiven, and it was the “old me” reentering my ED-possessed body. That’s when things changed and I truly embraced recovery. Embraced life. Embraced me. 

People lose themselves all the time. Maybe it’s not an ED that is the culprit. Perhaps you’ve become lost in your job, or with the wrong crowd, or caught in a cycle of depression – this reaches far beyond EDs. Finding yourself is important to staying true to who you are and true to Whose you are. 🙂

So now, it is with great nervousness, that I share with you my voice.

It is a cover of the song, “I Shall Not Want” by Audry Assad, who I look up to so much.

I know it is cheesy, but I try to sing at least two or three times a week, just to myself in my apartment, as a way to stay connected with my “old” self. And if I’m being honest, when I am singing is when I feel closest to God. It is my form of prayer and worship.

I invite you to just read the lyrics if you don’t want to listen.

This song reminds me that in Jesus, there is nothing that I should want for. No worries about body image, or weight, or having the perfect this or that, or any other burden that is pressing on my spirit. Jesus frees me from all those anxieties. And He will for you too.

So without further ado:

From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God

From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

From the fear of serving others
From the fear of death or trial
From the fear of humility
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

No, I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

133 thoughts on “Remember Who You Are

  1. Beauty, that was …*sigh* I can just lay back, close my eyes and listen to your voice. I’m trying to think of words to say how your voice makes me feel. I’ll just…*sigh* Thank you for putting yourself out here so bravely. It’s…a blessing.

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      1. Well, I’m just glad to contribute. When I was college instructor and then a corporate trainer, I realized God made me to help others make their lives better. Everyone is always so angry anymore; I just try to compliment sincerely and support honest effort. If you’ve had a chance to check my “Shallow End of the Gene Pool,” part of the summary is how, no matter how much we give, God returns more. The post is the story of my bypass surgery; how it all went down. After commenting with you, I thought it might be a worthwhile thing to share. THANK YOU for inspiring me to write it down!

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