Do you ever just feel….embarrassingly out of place?
Do you ever walk into a room and feel as though you’ve got, like, your skirt tucked into your underwear, or like you have a big, unsightly growth on your chin?
I had one of those experiences last week. I had an audition for this big beauty commercial.
So I walked into the waiting room, and I felt a hot wave of self-consciousness wash over me — starting in my stomach and running up through the backs of my ears.
Every young woman in the room was a tall, blonde bombshell, model-esq, and looking like they could literally kill someone with their piercing “simize” gaze.
What did my agent send me to?
I felt like the riff raf that somebody accidentally let in.
Anywho, looking around, and harshly sizing myself up, I realized something in that very minute.
I had two options.
A) I could let my insecurities get the best of me. I could succumb to the lies of inadequacy and self doubt that were swirling around my head. I could beat myself up with comparisons and fall into thinking that was detrimental to my recovery and wellbeing.
B) I could listen to the voice of God’s Truth in my head that has taken me ten years in recovery to be able to hear and actually believe.
And I’m going to be honest, looking around that room, Option A was looking pretty inescapable.
But, I did something that turned things around.
I just closed my eyes, right there in that waiting room, and said, “God, please let Your light shine through me when I go into that audition room.”
And all of a sudden, this peace came over me…I kid you not. I looked around the room, and I saw all those formerly frighteningly beautiful ladies with new eyes – In my head I literally heard, “They are all children of God.”
I mean, that’s not how I typically talk. That was not from my own thinking. I mean, heck, just thirty seconds ago I was half-wishing that one of their stiletto’s would snap and cause a domino effect, downing half a dozen wanna-be Barbies. Thinking about children of God was not really on my radar at the moment.
Anywho…after the audition, I just kinda forgot about it. It was a great audition – His peace carried me through – but realistically, it was a long shot. I mean, they clearly had a vision of what they were looking for, and well…it wasn’t me.
Later the next day, I got a call from my agent.
I didn’t book that beauty spot, but the casting director wanted me for a different international commercial campaign they were working on.
And this new gig, was a much better opportunity than the one little beauty spot.
And in fact, I’m actually on set, as you’re reading this, shooting the campaign all week.
But thinking about it, I realized, this would not have happened had I given into the lies in my head in that waiting room.
How many times in my life have I let fear and insecurity — especially about looks — get the best of me?
The answer: a lot. Too many times than I’d like to admit.
But I handed that audition over to God. And you know what? It turns out that God’s plans for us are so much greater than any we could drum up for ourselves.
And today at church, I literally chuckled out loud at the gospel, because it was about the hairs on our heads being numbered. And to be not afraid, because we have great worth. (Matt 10: 26-33)
God proved that in that waiting room. He gave me His peace to shine, and in return provided for me in a way I could not have imagined.
So that’s all for tonight. Sometimes we just have to turn over control to the One who knows the hairs on our heads, and loves us, and really does work all things together for good.
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