V Card

OK. It’s time we talk about virginity.

*Takes a shot of whisky.*

Scratch that.

It’s time we talk about my virginity.

*Takes another shot. Slams down the glass.*

buffy_drinking

Ok. Now I feel prepared to take on this topic.

Allow me to set the stage:

Saturday night. 4 am. The sun is just starting to rise and the sky is that dusty heather gray color. NYC looks just like they try to portray it in the movies – a sleeping giant with steep buildings, daring the sun to challenge its dominance.

And I’m bleary eyed, mascara stained, just sobbing. I’m in my pjs. The beautiful, sparkly dress and heels I wore that evening, crumpled in a pile on the floor — along with my dignity.

Pause. NO I did not “do it.” Although, reading that back, it kinda sounds like the beginning of a cheap romance novel. 😛

No. This scene was the result of a very real, very raw, very — vulnerable — conversation.

About…my V card.


Long story short, this guy I’ve been kind of, potentially interested in just straight up asked me about it.

Now, before you get ready to B-Slap him with an attitude, it wasn’t like that. Nothing rude. Nothing invasive.

It was actually very respectful. And he wasn’t trying to pressure me either.

The convo went a little something like this:

“BBB. I don’t understand. Every weekend a different guy tries to take you home, but you never do. Why is that?”

And it wasn’t like I just blurted out…OH, I’M A VIRGIN! With three thumbs up emojis.

No, I’ve known him for 4 years, and it was a long, drawn out convo in the back of the bar, just us. He may have just kissed me. A lady never tells.

But I told him: I’m saving myself for my husband.

And it like, boggled his mind. He was so intrigued by this. So interested. So riveted in the why behind it.

And, as it was last call, we continued the convo into a cab he had hailed to drop me off.

Again, don’t read this through the filter of a serial killer — he’s a gentleman and wanted to drop me off, as it was 4am and a gal in a short dress shouldn’t be walking alone.

But he was literally so fascinated. He couldn’t believe that I was still a virgin.

So you’ve never had sex?

No.

Don’t you want to?

Um, hellooo.

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Our conversation jumped around, between what it means to be in a relationship, what we think about marriage, vulnerabilities, what we believe in. It was all really great…ish.

But the whole time I just felt like crawling into a hole and never coming out.

It’s not like I’m ashamed of my decision to wait, I just felt really exposed. Like I was standing in front of a big crowd, unaware that my dress was tucked into my granny panties in the back. I felt stupid.

But he said, “I am just worried that your future husband isn’t going to appreciate what you’re doing. What if he’s not able to give you that back? What if you don’t get that?”

And this, is what sparked this post. This is what made me get up out of bed after crying myself to sleep and write about it.

I think there’s a grave misconception about relationships these days: what are you going to get out of it. 

What’s in it for you? What are you going to get from the marriage or from the relationship?

And that‘s exactly where my decision to remain a virgin stems from.

Because relationships aren’t about what you’re going to get.

They’re about what you can give.

And that’s why I’m waiting. Because I love my future husband enough that I want to save my body and my whole self for him only. I want to give that to him. I’m not expecting to get anything. Would it be amazing if he was waiting too? Yes. But I don’t expect that. What I do expect is that God is preparing the heart of my future husband right this very minute, just as He’s preparing mine.

My parents have been married for 40+ years. And that’s one thing my mother always taught me: relationships are about giving. If you go into it thinking it’s the other way around, you’re going to end up disappointed and hurt.

So how did I end up with tear stains on my pillow after that open and honest communication in the cab?

Well, honestly, I just felt really alone. Not in an Enrique Iglesias Give Me Just One Night kind of way.

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But alone in a misunderstood, foolish, exposed kind of way.

And in some ways I felt like a fraud.

Here’s the thing.

Let’s be honest…there’s a bit of a stereotype about virginity.

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Thanks, Steve Carell.

But, I’m pretty confident. Or at least, I’m good at acting like I’m confident. I enjoy flirting, dancing, wearing the latest fashions.

Frankly, I don’t think I come off as this ankle-length-skirt-with-orthopedic-shoes-wearing-virgin-who-has-6-cats-at-home.

But after revealing my virginity, I felt like somebody stripped away that confident exterior, exposing this inner dweeb that shouldn’t be out socializing because of severe social anxiety and a highly spastic colon or something.

zK8G87g

I feel like from now on, I’m forever going to be seen through the lens of “virgin.”

I felt dumb. I felt ugly. I felt alone.

And 6 hours later, I still do.

So.

I’m going to get up. Make myself a nice breakfast. And open up God’s love letter to me: the bible.

And I’m going to remind myself that I am not any of those things.

I am not alone: Jesus endured everything we’ve ever gone through, times 100. He was literally stripped down and exposed during the Passion.

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I am not ugly. But I am a handcrafted work of art, created lovingly by the Father.

My virginity is not dumbIt is an act of love to my future husband. One that I should celebrate. Jesus gave Himself fully and completely to His love — us — on the Cross,  so I can do the same for my future love.

Anywho. Thanks for listening.

Gonna go eat pancakes and put on my orthopedic shoes and head gear.

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Byeee

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

965 thoughts on “V Card

  1. Nice post. Society tries to stip the secredness of the union between a man n a woman. It seems like everyone hooking up with everyone. I am married n my husband is the only person I have ever has sex with. I feel happy knowing no other man can say he tasted the gift before him. I feel proud that I was able to give him something he alone have, something so personal n intimate. God was eight when he said save yourself for your spouse because so much ugliness can come out from having sex before marriage, especially with multiples patners that can fowl up the union with with your spouse.

    Like

  2. You mentioned this post in your video, so I came to read it. I think the world needs more people like you. You have no reason to feel dumb, ugly, or alone. I think you’re pretty brave and downright awesome for writing about this and standing up for what you believe in. All the best to you! 🙂

    Like

  3. Good for you. Stick to what you believe in, and what’s right for you. I did once think the same way, and had told myself I wanted to wait and put aside pressure from others (including my mother). Then I met ‘the one’ and thought he felt the same way I did (though I knew he wasn’t a virgin, he was older – not creepy older, 8 years older, but he had been married before in college). And I finally decided he was worth it. I can’t regret the decision exactly – because I truly was in love with him – but I realized the next day, he wasn’t going to ask me to marry him. One of the big things for him was that he would have been the only person I’d slept with. That was a hang up for HIM.
    I’m married now, and have kids, and am nearly 40 (yuck), and looking back I would tell my 21 year old self to stick to what I believe in, and not to let anything short of a wedding ring change that.

    Like

    1. Thank you so much Andrea, for sharing this. I’m sorry that the guy didn’t appreciate the gift of you. You have a beautiful heart and that really shines through. I really appreciate it your encouragement and powerful insight. Sending big big hugs. Xoxo

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  4. You sound like you really have your head on straight, and that’s great. But our hearts always seem to get in there and mess us up. Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”

    A long time ago — I believe it was on the cover of the New Yorker — a cartoonist drew a picture of a crowd in the bleachers at some event. Individuals blended into the crowd, becoming basically indistinguishable from anyone else — that is except for one person. That one person was black, and everyone else was white.

    That’s what I thought of as you described your feelings: exposed to the judgement and censure of all those around you. That’s not an easy place to be, especially in a self-satisfying culture that puts so much store in convincing us that “everyone is doing it”.

    By choosing to remain celibate until you marry you are actually investing in the quality and character of that future relationship, and by so doing you are honoring God.

    I’m 71 years old, so I operate from a different set of social mores, but frankly, I don’t think it was any of your friend’s business whether you are a virgin or not. If he is not looking for action, why should he even ask? But I do understand that after a few drinks the boundaries of propriety have a tendency to come down. Perhaps you should consider limiting drinks to the context of having a meal? Bars are not the most conducive places for discreet conversation (you know, that “convo” thing?).

    Anyway, God bless you and hang in there!

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    1. Thank you so much for this response! what a powerful verse. Thanks for sharing it. And you’re right-bars are most likely not the best place to go looking for a soul mate! Haha but seriously though… Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  5. Thank you for sharing. I believe that this topic is very private as it should be. It is a personal choice and I respect that. No one should have to justify their personal preference, experiences, or choices. Again, thank you for sharing!

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  6. If I could star this a million times, I would. I’m going to have my two oldest daughters read this. One is 14 and the other is 11. The youngest is 9, so I’ll cross that bridge in a year or so. Thank you for writing this. And you’re not alone. The ugly world is just much louder than your sweet, pure voice.

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  7. Okay I know I literally just commented on your other blog but hey it’s Sunday and I live in a third world country right now so I spend my mornings reading different things since I don’t have the option of church. This morning I happened to just be reading your blog and being inspired by it 🙂

    Anyhow… Wow! There are so few women in the world like you. I wish you could meet some of the people I do and inspire them with the way you choose to live your life. As someone who takes romantic relationships very seriously, and spends much time and effort in preparing myself and praying that God prepares me for marriage, I have so much respect for this choice you have made in your life! I love the value that you have placed on it! It’s something that just pretty much goes out the window for most people.

    Again, as I’m in counseling school right now (yes I’m a missionary too) I’ve been learning a lot of different things. One is that we must have a healthy love for our self. If we don’t know how to love and take care of our self then we can’t really do it with someone else. What you’ve done by saving yourself is show that you respect and love yourself, and your future husband. When the right man comes along, then he must realize he has to show you the same, and even greater respect because you have set the bar.

    Way to go! Way to be real, and to be a real woman!
    -Jonathan

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey again friend! Wow, thank you for such kind and encouraging words! Isn’t it amazing how the Internet can bring people from literally all over the world together?? So cool. Best of luck in your schooling! I’ll be praying for you xox

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  8. I remember getting asked a similar question, and boy did I feel exactly the same way. I never thought about it that intensely (the fact that I’m giving something very special to my future husband). And, knowing this, makes it easier to remind myself that I’m not dumb for saving myself and that I know why I’m doing it (for my future husband, and ultimately to God).

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  9. „I feel like from now on, I’m forever going to be seen through the lens of “virgin.” I felt dumb. I felt ugly. I felt alone.“

    Here’s the thing. It is the duty of the man – the right man – to show you that you are totally awesome, to conquer your heart and help you to see your infinite worthiness. I ask myself all the time, why no man has conquered your heart yet. It’s a miracle… you are so worthy of attention… what is the effort to get you in comparison to the first price? 🙂

    “My virginity is not dumb. It is an act of love to my future husband. One that I should celebrate.”

    You are wonderful, Caralyn. The problem is…. the mans were until now to foolish to get it….

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  10. Well miss Beauty – I can tell the amount of comments on this post is insurmountable 🙂 So I’ll get right to the point: Because of your post here, I got the last push I needed to start the “Song of Virginity” blog and it’s off to a great start! I’ve had 2 guys writing guest posts now and another one whipping one. But up until now I’m the only woman writing posts on it and… well… I’m not exactly a virgin and haven’t been for many years (no, I’m not that old ;-)…).
    I wonder if you would consider writing a guest post?
    – or if not, with your permission I would reblog this v-card post.
    Let me know – and no rush!
    Blessings and God’s speed to you.
    Lene

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Lene, thank you so much for your incredibly kind words! Yes! So glad you took the plunge and pressed the publish button! So exciting. Thank you for the invitation! At this present moment I’m not doing guest posts, just because life is so crazy! But perhaps next month! Definitely feel free to reblog though! It would be an honor:) thanks for stopping by! Big big hugs xox

      Like

  11. You stay strong lady…That guy is going to come and boy, how much he is going to appreciate you and what you have done waiting for him because his heart will be made by the Lord and he will see your virtue through your single act of self control and maturity fueled by the grace of God.
    you make God smile….

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Girl. KEEP IT. Keep with this promise to yourself and to God.
    I felt so awkwardly ashamed at some points, maybe not ashamed, but that weird, exposed, naked, aloneness you describe, before I was married. When I was engaged, I had gone into the lady doctor to get started on birth control. They ask you all of these super invasive questions, which are sort of weird for virgins. After the second question, I just told the lady “listen, I’m a virgin. we can skip all this.” and she DIDNT BELIEVE ME.
    She continued on to ask the questions and when she finished, she congratulated me. Told me that I was something rare. She’d never seen a virgin come into her office to get on birth control. She literally asked me to sign my name somewhere and pretended like I was a celebrity for not having had sex before I was married. Then, she went into the nurse’s area and I COULD HEAR HER TELLING THE OTHER NURSES THAT SHE HAD A VIRGIN IN HER ROOM. The room started spinning and I was appalled. i was so embarrassed. I felt so violated. Like my choice had become a mockery. i could hardly tell my (now) husband about it when I left, i felt so strange.
    The next year I returned and i finally told the lead Dr about it and she laughed at first and then walked out. She came back later and she genuinely apologized and asked for forgiveness for her crass staff.

    I felt a lot of weird things because it wasn’t the norm and I’m just trying to tell you in this super weird way that waiting is so worth it. God honors it. God LOVES it. He is so happy for your commitment to Him and the fact that you’re sharing this with other people. Stay true to yourself and your beliefs. Weird encounters will certainly rear their ugly face, but keeping your faith is worth so much more than a few moments of embarrassment. Girl i love you and i love your openness about your faith in God. Keep on.

    Like

  13. wow…our parent have the part of telling us what they know about life,our part is to trust and obey,,its a shame most girls dont reson this way …..may be if guys also incoporat this act of love for our future beloved.the world would be a better place….i learnt something long time ago…if you didnt defy others peoples bed when you are not married,God will present to you a gift of a life partner for a job well done…both of u will appriciate the fact that you stood the test of time….many hugs Bbbs, i just stuble upon this post so im sharing it……

    Like

    1. Hey Josh! First of all wow thank you for such kind words. I really appreciate your genuine encouragement. It means the world. Secondly I really am grateful for you passing this along. I hope this ends up in the hands of someone who might be a little encouraged by it. Hope you’re having a great Wednesday! Big hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Dear BBB,
    Yes it is an unusual choice in this day and age. I made the same choice. I faced the same questions. I questioned myself about. I was raised Catholic, received degrees from 2 Catholic colleges, Loyola and Catholic University of America. Were the rest of my peers and family members making the same choice. Emphatically no, they were not. I was always surprised by this. Did I regret the choice? Occasionally. It usually went like this. I would be mad at my husband and think, ” Geez! You are so exasperating!!!!!” Then I would think, “I should have slept with other people. Why didn’t I do that! I might have found a non-exasperating husband!!! Whaaaaaaat was I thinking?” Truth is, marriage is exasperating from time to time. I think all of us wives and all of the husbands can be exasperating. Bottom line, looking back I do not regret my decision. It reflected my values at the time.

    All the best

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Sarah, thank you so much for this beautiful note of encouragement. It’s nice to know I’m not alone has formation point I think you’re right, marriage takes work and is not always a fairytale, but at the end of the day I think God brings us together for a reason. So glad you stopped by. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  15. I can say that these matters definitely come down to doing the right thing and living by the Lord’s rules. These kinds of choices are commendable and should be made by any Christian in the right mind. This kind of thing should never be viewed in a negative light.

    That being said, you’re not ugly. There is really no evidence to back that one up. There is really nothing wrong with you, and your choice to avoid these kinds of activities before getting married do not make you the way that you feel about yourself. Neither should you run around feeling alone or dumb. Remember that in Matthew 28:20 Jesus says, “I am with you alway.” I know this probably sounds like a cliche response, but you are never alone because Christ is always with you. Why should you feel dumb? You’re only doing the right thing. These kinds of things are deceptions of the enemy.

    Like

  16. This is a very inspirational story and I’m sorry you felt ugly or weird after revealing yourself. I think you have realize now, from all your comments, that you are admired for your standards and religious beliefs. Some men prefer to be with women with no morals, but believe me, they certainly don’t want to marry one. You are the real deal. Beautiful inside and out.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Been there. Felt your pain….Totally worth the wait! Good for you. May God bless you and your future marriage for your purity. May He bring you a husband better than you could ever imagine or dream of!
    So true. What can you give/not what can you get…

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  18. I love this post.

    Virginity is one of those things you cannot ever ungive. There is so much more to sex than just the act itself. It is emotional, spiritual and binding. It is the very joining of souls. Whatever is in their spiritual or sexual history becomes a part of you. You become tied to that person, become one with that person.

    I don’t think I ever had the privilege of being a virgin and understanding it. My virginity was taken early, and it left me without a frame of reference for that value. Don’t get me wrong, yes, the act was offensive and undeserving, but I never saw myself as a victim. Because of that act, I simply didn’t understand the value in waiting, and when I thought I was ready, I had sex…at 16. I wasn’t emotionally or physically equipped for what sex really entailed. I kept having sex throughout my adult life with long periods of celibacy between. During one such period (that lasted 3.5 years), I was a mom of five and entangled with someone who broke my heart in ways I never thought it could be. I was emotionally devastated and depleted, so I turned to God. He graced me to be celibate for that time. It was about a year before I met my husband – God was prepping me for my husband, who I eventually, I met and married in 2012.

    We had our dream wedding on a budget. I was pregnant when we married (after 13 years of no childbearing and little sex). I was looking forward to what sex would be like on that night – good old fashioned, guilty and sin free, non-fornicational sex. Welp, nothing happened that night except a lot of snoring and no consummation because of time zone differences and exhaustion. But the next day, it was beautiful. And although I had slept with him up to a week before we got married, I often wished we, or more aptly, I had waited. I couldn’t undo giving myself to others, and by the time I had given myself to him, I knew I made a mistake in not waiting. He was worth waiting every single day of my life for.

    The thing is, our sex life has evolved, and sometimes I tell my husband this very thing – I wish he were my one and only lover, that there had not been others before him. I have actually apologized for not waiting on him, because if I had known he would be as wonderful as he is, I would have waited a dozen lifetimes to have sex. You’re correct, the sexual relationship is about learning, growing, intimacy, expression…and all of those things are about serving and giving. It is not selfish, proud or boastful. It does mean delaying your own gratification for someone else’s pleasures at times be it so they enjoy their time, or simply so they can work a job with alternate hours or so that you can sleep because you’re tired. Sex in and of itself is overrated. When it is coupled with the right person in the confines of marriage, only then can it truly be appreciated for the gift that it is.

    So to you I say…keep waiting. As long as it takes! I’m rooting for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really appreciate you taking the time to share. I’m so sorry that it was taken from you. You are a blessing, and I so appreciate your support and encouragement. It sounds like you and your husband have a beautiful marriage. big hugs xox

      Liked by 2 people

  19. If there was a love button I would break it! I love this post because it’s my life as a 24 year old virgin. The stereotypes, the questions, the shame of it all! Great to know I’m not alone and I’m no weirdo! Thanks! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  20. My husband and I got married in January. And one of the beautiful gifts we were both able to give each other was our virginity! That gift is so amazing and so worth saving for your husband! Marriage is about loving and giving! Love this post!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Ironic, self-ironic (it’s a top skill), single, beautiful, Christian! (or not really so?) At least I have passed her by … with turning my head 180 degrees back, just like owls do.

    Na-a-a, she is too far, in a computer… in the USA… At lease I will pray for you, Caroline (have I heard/spelled it correctly?) in the name of Christ and follow your blog… until I fed up of it 🙂

    Like

  22. Great! Saving sex for marriage is nothing to be ashamed of. It is the right thing to do. Your talking about it has encouraged and inspired many I believe. Virginity is the best wedding gift to give to a spouse. Thanks.

    Like

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