Virgin Shaming?

There are three things you should know about me.

Number One: My go-to drink is a vodka soda with two limes. With straight up-tequila coming in at a close second.

Number Two: It only takes 1/2 a drink for me to get notably tipsy.

Number Three: I am completely guarded in word and heart….until said tipsy state has been actuated.

Last night was one of those nights.

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I was catching up with a good friend of mine up in Harlem. We were at this really cool speakeasy with smooth jazz, exposed brick, high concept cocktails, and where the menus are literally pasted into old hard-cover books.

She and I were having a great time. Chatting. Laughing. Making friends with the cute bartender. You know. A typical Tuesday night for your twenty-something New Yorker.

But as the night went along, and the conversation had turned to dating and the atrocity of the modern day, “Swipe-right“-App-driven dating scene, I found myself opening my heart to her about some of my fears and struggles when it comes to the romance department.

And you know how, when you’re a little loosy-goosy, you can almost hear yourself talking – completely self aware of how you’re coming off, and yet simultaneously you’ve willingly abandoned the ability to filter what it is you’re saying?

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If that makes any sense at all?

Anyway, I’ll just cut to the chase here…

I literally heard these words come out of my mouth:

“I think I’m afraid to date because I fear that, because I’m a virgin, I won’t be enough for a man. I’d be a waste of time.”

And bless her heart, my friend was so kind and built me up and reassured me as any good friend would do.

But the following day, with sober-Caralyn reflecting on that cringe-worthy confession, it gave me a lot of emotions. A lot of “feels” – as the kids these days are saying. 😉

I’m going to be really honest – I’ve reached the age where, being a virgin is no longer “cute.” It’s more like…what’s wrong with her?

You all know my love for The Bachelor – and one of the themes that has come up recently on Bachelor in Paradise, – and frankly in the media at large – is the concept of “Virgin Shaming.”

And I can fully affirm, that that is absolutely, positively a real thing.

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I know that my virginity is nothing to be ashamed of, and truthfully, it gives me so much joy and peace to know that I will be able to give that to my future husband one day, but the fact is…right now...I feel like less of a woman. I feel like I’m defective. Or undesirable. Frankly, I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment.


And let me just say, I’m not looking to be built up or complimented or anything like that. I’m just processing a comment I uttered when my walls were down that quite honestly, shocked me. Frankly, I thought I was “stronger” than letting the pressures of society get to me like that. But I guess, my inner heart can still be wounded, no matter how tough of defenses I try to enact.

I think I’m at a very dangerous crossroads of two very different paths. One, of a closed off existence, lived in fear and shame – having cowered away from even looking for a man, simply because I’m afraid of disappointing someone with my non-easiness. Or the other road, where I remain emotionally open and receptive to a relationship – dare I say: even seeking one out, with the confidence and assuredness in my decision to remain a virgin until marriage.

Because it’s either one or the other. There’s not really much grey area anymore – I’m either open to love, or I’m not. And am I really going to let my self-consciousness in the lack of knotches on my belt be the determining factor?

That would be quite the tragedy.

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I guess, this is just my public proclamation, that I am not going to let the shame I may feel get the best of me and dictate the direction my life is going to take.

Because the fact is, I do have a lot to offer a man.

And I’m going to be a damn good wife, if I do say so myself.

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But I can’t be afraid to put myself out there, just because I’m nervous about what he’ll say.

Will it be a deal breaker for some guys? Yes. Probably most guys.

But not for the guy. Not for the right guy.

But I’m not going to meet that guy if I just reject every offer that comes my way and swear off dating, simply because I’m afraid. That’s a pocket veto if I’ve ever seen one.

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SO. Before the month is over, I’m going to go on one date. By Oct 1. I have to stop turning down opportunities, and actually accept one date. I’m asking you to hold me accountable. Okay?

Kapeesh?

Good. Thanks. Glad that’s settled.

Now please excuse me while I go and try to ‘be approachable’ at Barnes & Noble.

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703 responses to “Virgin Shaming?”

  2. It is not that you are less of a woman because you are a virgin. Others are less of a woman if they have never been married and are not a virgin. Why? Because you have purity and others gave their purity away for free.

    Reply

    • Hey! I love that you are seeking to encourage this awesome blogger. I don’t feel like it is necessary to shame others who have made mistakes. I believe that Jesus forgives people and even restores their purity and virginity. I have friends with testimonies of this. How about we keep things shame-free in all directions? Hugs!

      Reply

    • i appreciate your affirmation. I just want to pop back and say that I don’t believe that not being a virgin makes someone any less of a person. Because Christ makes all things new 🙂 That’s all 🙂 I’m glad you stopped by tonight! big hugs xox

      Reply

      • I think jollymabond may have been reacting to the comment by heavensrecord… that was my take anyway. Always appreciate your honesty.

  3. I think it’s wonderful that you are strong enough to wait for the right man! Why it matters so much is a shame. I’m proud of you and I know the right man will come along and be perfect for you!

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  6. Pastor, once again I am so proud of you. Get Tim Tebows book at the bookstore , read it and then get in touch with him. Minor league baseball finishing up so he will be commenting on SEC football for tv. Say hi to your mom. I pray for you and your family. Ok. Let’s see how this sounds……Mrs. Tebow! I like it! Hope you do too!
    Idea fromGod’s Holy Spirit!

    Reply

  7. Look at it this way-your man will be the WHOLE package with a pretty bow. It’s a gift, remember that. The right man will know that too. You’re 100% woman and you roar. Walk intentional, you’ve been intentional this far, don’t let a loose society saturated in sex make you feel like you’re somehow less because you haven’t subscribed to it. Awesome is what it is. You. Go. Girl. 💋

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  9. The most important question we need to ask ourselves, is, “How does God see this?”
    I was a virgin when I married, but I was a harlot in my thought life. In God’s eyes I was not a virgin. Another woman may have slept around, but then repented and received forgiveness. She is made pure by the blood of Jesus.
    Remember, we have no righteousness of our own. We cannot boast in our own purity, but only in that of Christ our Saviour.

    Reply

  12. This post is refreshing! Please do not think of yourself as less of a women. You have so much to offer!

    On another note I absolutely love reading your blog!

    Reply

  13. As hard as it is, don’t let our culture dictate your feelings on this issue. You have remained strong in this because of your convictions and FAITH that the right man will come along at the right time. The right man, a man of God, will be honored to have a woman who respected herself and her relationship with Christ (at least he better!). Don’t let the darkness in our culture keep you from shining brightly in your pursuit of purity.

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  14. Stay true to the standards of God. Then you will not have to worry about sexually transmitted diseases, ungodly soul ties and messes. You will find the right man who will love you for who you are. Awesome!

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  15. its a sign of the times, when ‘virgin’ prior to marriage, is something to cause embarrassment! Bravo, for your principles, and bravo for your openness here. A principled man, and a principled woman, with Jesus as his /her center, honors his/her betrothed, honors God, and sets a pure example. While I was a worldly man once upon a time- and had a lot to repent of, my subsequent rebirth, purity in dating and subsequent wedded life has been a blessing. Oh, one more thing, I would NEVER go on a date without another couple, in the faith, chaperoning one another. keeps fun in – and sin, out.

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  16. I just want to thank you for posting this. I feel the reality of this shaming as well, from peers as well as even high school boys. And it makes me angry. It makes me furious that someone would condemn me because my standards are an inconvenience to them. And I think that anger is righteous, because shaming women who are virgins for staying true to God is despicable. And on this rant, I also feel a need to bring up the double standards that accompany this shaming. Women are expected to have sexual experience to be worthwhile, but at the same time cannot be sluts, whores, zipperless, easy, or whatever else they may call those who choose to sleep around. I do not expect my views to be sympathized with by many, so I thank you for staying strong with me in this pursuit of God and all He has for us. You are a blessing.

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    • thanks for sharing this, friend. I’m sorry you can so personally relate. Yeah, you bring up A LOT of great points here. I wish there was a spirit of love and compassion all the way around in society. Glad you stopped by! big hugs xox

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  17. Hey! I just want to encourage you to never let the viewpoints of this world make you change yours. I don’t know if you have read this, but a while ago I wrote about my stance on virginity as a 22 year old man. There are guys out there that are waiting for marriage! Guys out there that really really respect virginity. Keep persevering and don’t lose heart.

    https://wanderinginwondertoday.com/2017/02/14/girls-dont-deserve-roses/

    Reply

  18. The witness to virginity is important for a reason most don’t admit. The cultural assumption and assertion that we are unfulfilled and incomplete without sex going on is great for those who are sexually active, but absolutely cruel to the many, many people who lose access to sexual intimacy due to factors like
    illness
    age
    can’t compete in the looks department (that’s real)
    survival of childhood abuse or rape at any age (not universally true but does impact intimacy for many)

    There’s also a witness to the church: to many Christians fail to reflect on the high respect given to chaste disciples in the Bible itself. We go with a cultural assumption that to be a Christian is to get married and have kids. Not at all true, all though marriage and parenting have an honored place in Scripture.

    I write all this as a married man (coming up on 28 years), still sexually active (but willing to admit that frequency and performance are not the same as in younger years).

    To despise virginity is to tell me that my life is losing significance as sexual activity becomes less of a defining part of my life, and to tell those who are not sexually active that they are “lesser than.”

    Sorry if it is TMI, but your post was pretty open and honest and I wanted to add on because this is important to many people.

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  19. Your number 2. Yes me. 3. Yep that’s me too.
    Actually this whole post is me. You basically took the words right out of my mouth!!! I turn down guys because I’m ashamed of my virginity. Like literally I love this. Thank you for being brave enough to write this and accept a date! I’m rooting for you!!

    Reply

  20. Anyone who knows me or reads my blog knows I was not degrading or shaming anyone. If someone took my comment personally, that was their conscience, not my intention. I see you decided to cya with your latest comment.

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    • I know that was not your intent at all. and I fully know that you are a good hearted, faithful person. I just wanted to clear up any possible misinterpretation, that’s all 🙂 no hard feelings!! 🙂 hugs to you friend xox

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  23. I know there is shaming out there. I think the guys that will look down on you will be the boys that just want sex, though. If you find a man, and he is looking for a relationship, I can’t see how he would shame you for keeping your virginity. That may be due to my naivety, though, but I really think he will respect that! I only slept with the two I was married to, and I would have had great respect if one of them had done the same.

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  24. If you are twenty something, you’r young and you have no reason to rush anything. I think if someone thinks it’s something wrong in you, it is just telling about this society these days. There is so much sex everywhere, too much. Everybody “should be” doing it all the time. I don’t! I feel there’s so much more important things to do. Sex is way too overrated!

    I was 21 when I started my sex life. I felt myself really old but I really wasn’t. You will have time to have sex enough later. It’s great you haven’t rush it only because you “should” be doing it already! Too many people have done it.

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  25. I’m sorry to hear you’re ashamed of something you ought to be proud of…or at least confident in. It shows how drastically society has taken a turn for the worse… Perhaps 100 years ago this would not have been an issue. Don’t let the prevailing social attitudes define what is good or bad, right or wrong. Let God and your conscience do that. Don’t let other people tell you how you should behave or feel when you know they’re wrong.

    When I find myself agreeing with the world’s harmful value system, I try to remind myself to surround my eyes and my brain with things that promote higher standards, and stop reading/watching media that espouses bad values. For example, instead of watching Sex and the City, you could watch Hacksaw Ridge—a movie about a guy who stood up for his faith and convictions, enduring everyone’s scorn then becoming a hero and saving all his former bullies’ lives.

    Try to fill your time and mind with these kinds of role models and media. Let THEM dictate what is “the norm” for you. Refuse to absorb the selfishness, sensuality, and consumerism in pop culture, and find things and people that promote selflessness, integrity, and compassion. Make that your standard. If you want to become an angel, don’t spend time on devils or on their propaganda. It’s hard, but worth trying.

    Trust me, not everyone (and I’m not just talking about the older generations—I am around your age) agrees that losing your virginity before marriage is good, or even acceptable, no matter what Hollywood or popular culture tries to make us think is “the norm.”

    Sorry for the long comment. I just wanted to say: You are not alone in your decision. I’ve made the same one, and I hope I can encourage you to stop feeling bad about it…and you can use your influence to encourage even more young women (and young men) to not feel ashamed of something they have no reason to be ashamed of.

    Be strong 🙂

    Reply

    • this is such such great advice. thank you so much for this awesome reflection. you’re so right – I’ve got to keep focused on those upstanding things, and not let society or the media dictate what I think about and how I think about myself. No need to apologize for a long comment!! i honestly appreciated every single word. have a great night! Hugs and love xox

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  26. As you rightly said.. the right man will love you exactly for who you are and will respect your decision. Your virginity does not define you – it’s just the shallow society in which we live in.

    All the best xx

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  27. I’ve often thought there are few things more noble than standing on the values that you hold dear. I am as excited for you now as I was when I became a fan of your blog. And yes, “the guy” will love you and the SO MUCH you have to offer. If I didn’t sound foolish even thinking it, I’d get in line for just one evening out with the one and only “beautybeyondbones”. You are truly amazing.

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  28. Virginity until marriage is AWESOME! My husband and I met when I was 28 and he was 32, and we had lived our own separate pre-Christian lives before that, so we weren’t virgins. However, we dated like we were, for a year and a half, and had sex for the first time with each other on our wedding night. Even though it’s tough now, it WILL be worth it! I hope this encourages you a bit! I can’t imagine how even more special it would have been if we could have been virgins on our wedding night.

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  29. I will be honest with you, I am so far past my 20’s that it’s not even visible in the rearview mirror.

    That said, I don’t understand the current attitude towards sex. It’s like if you haven’t done it by the 2nd or 3rd date you’re weird. Talk, kiss, sex – dates one, two, and three. Just another thing to do, no real meaning. Is it no wonder that abortion is just something to do if you forgot your pill, or he forgot to put “it” on?

    Nope, just don’t understand it.

    Reply

    • Thanks for this reflection. Yeah, there has definitely been a shift from it being a big deal, to being something you don’t even bat an eyelash at anymore. Glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox

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  31. Thanks you for this post! Stand up for what YOU believe and think is right. I completely agree with your stance. And you’re right, the right guy will accept you for who you are. 🙂

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  32. All of this is true. You are not alone. I’m thirty and I’ve never even been kissed. And yes, there’s this weird balance between feeling like you’ve done a great job with self-control and feeling like you aren’t quite a grown up because you haven’t done something a thirteen-year-old can do. Which makes you wonder what’s so grown up about it. And round and round the thought cycle goes.

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  33. One of the worst places about it is … the church. I just *loved* this conversation.
    “are you married?”
    “no.”
    “dating someone?”
    “no.”
    “courtship?”
    “no.”
    “What on God’s green creation is wrong with you? Don’t you know your sole reason for existence is to procreate?”
    I think it’s because they do it in so many subtle ways. They don’t want to be obvious that they think you’re defective because you haven’t fulfilled your part in the circle of life. Things get really fun when they use follow-up questions like: “You do like the opposite sex, don’t you? because we can totally pray for you …”

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  34. better to not have regret. better not to give your heart away too quickly. better not to be heartbroken … stays with you a long time especially with eros involved. The right guy will respect your whole person, chastity included. Let Mary be your example. But also let reality be your guide that using another person leads to terrible heartbreak and shipwreck. Don’t sell yourself short, which I figure you wouldn’t.

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  35. I have even more respect for you now. It’s a wonderful thing to wait to have sex until you’re with the right person. It’s honorable, noble, ethical, and respectful. When I was growing up, some of my friends were having sex when they were 12 years old, which is scary. I waited until I was 17, but I still wish I had waited longer. It wasn’t the right guy. Waiting is a wonderful thing that I wish I had done. Good for you for standing up for what you believe in.

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  36. This is a great post! There is a ton of shaming, both virgin shaming and the shame of not having dated yet. There is the shame of not dating someone if you’re in your middle 20s (something I’m starting to experience a little since I’m 23), and then there’s the shame of being a virgin whether you’ve dated or not. Knowing friends who’ve maintained virginity while dating, there’s shame there too because others around you are like, “You’re not truly dating/living if you’re not maintaining your virginity!”

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  37. Never a dull moment on your blog page. lol. I marvel that someone hasn’t already gotten down on bended knee and plead with you to take them on as partner for life. There certainly isn’t anything wrong with you so it must be that men these days have no appreciation for beauty and brains. 🙂

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  38. You are absolutely amazing and should be so very proud of yourself. What you are like a pure diamond, well better. I don’t see any shame and the value of your virginity is priceless.

    Thanks for sharing.

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  41. Oh, girl. Thank you for writing this. I feel like there’s also a certain amount of ‘shame’ attached to being perpetually single; maybe that’s just in my head, but it’s incredibly tough when you do desire to be in a relationship, but no one’s asking. (To that point, the well-meaning reassurances don’t really help either; adding insult to injury, you know?) But I do also feel like I’m with you and at my own crossroads. I KNOW I’m young and have time, but am I really going to say, “I’m 24 and afraid of rejection for the literal millionth time, so I give up?” Quitting seems a little petty, but it’ll definitely take some work to encourage myself to stay ‘in.’
    Best of luck in your date before October quest, and here’s to waiting for the Right Guy. 🙂

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  44. An article published by Women’s Health Magazine in 2014 entitled Virgins Until Marriage: How Women Who Waited Feel About Their Choice stated the following:
    “A recent Harris poll found that 51 percent of people think that couples should hold off on sex until marriage, and (somewhat surprisingly) 47 percent of Millennials (ages 18-36) agree.” (http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/no-sex-until-marriage)
    It seems more people are waiting, like you, until marriage, and that’s a GOOD thing and an awesome choice! Open your heart, start dating, and those who are worth it will stick around and be interested in getting to know you, not just getting into your pants.

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  45. Miss Caralyn, so yeah on the one hand virgin shaming is a thing. We still deeply respect those who enter religious life. As a young Catholic woman entering religious life is not out of the realm of possibility. And while this feels like an either/or situation: either you open your heart or not – this is a little more nuanced than that. You pray, you discern, you listen – when we’re doing these things we’re open to the movement of the Holy Spirit, and listening to where the Lord want’s us. Perhaps you’re not accepting dates, not saying yes because of some prompting of the Holy Spirit.
    Maybe take half an hour every day for the next so many days or every week for so many weeks and head over to your fave parish for Holy Hour. Check out Theology on Tap. Last I knew there was a very vibrant group through the archdiocese http://catholicnyc.com/
    My guess is that there is more going on here than the written word. It’s kinda like drinking 1/2 a vodka with 2 limes it’s sometimes necessary, and sometimes regrettable, and nothing to be ashamed about.

    Teri

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  46. I get the whole there must be something wrong with you… I am 53 been single nearly all of my adult life and still a virgin. It’s worse for a guy than it is for a girl because there are all sort of negative stereo types that go with single middle aged man who never married. That being said I am comfortable in my own skin I don’t miss being with someone because it’s hard to miss what you’ve really had. Stick to your guns and never feel ashamed of who you are. Don’t be ashamed of holding on to your virtue cherish it and I pray God will give you a worthy man to share your life with

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    • Thank you so much for sharing this, Chrissy. I really appreciate your encouraging words and prayers. Yes, I just need to pray and wait on the Lord’s perfect timing 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  47. There are still guys out there who respect this, desire this in a lady, and are even saving themselves for marriage. It takes a ton of discipline (I can only speak from the male perspective). I am encouraged by the fact that you have high standards. You are correct. The right guy will embrace this, and he is worth the wait. Don’t settle for less because you will find yourself disappointed.

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  49. I tell my daughter this all the time: There are plenty of people who are going to look down on you or treat you poorly. You shouldn’t be one of them.

    From my (relatively new follower/reader) perspective, it seems as if you have enough demons to fight without worrying about what is undoubtedly an asset. You’re correct: the right guy won’t be put off.

    Best wishes.

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  50. Girl.. You GOTTA test drive before you buy. Sex is an important part of a relationship, because sexuality is an important part of life.

    Dodge the bad sex bullet for the sake of your sanity, TRUST me;
    I was with a guy for four years who couldn’t even get it in because he would finish before it started. Hell, the disappointing sex life is the only reason I was able to get over him without missing him.
    I sincerely do not intend this in a judgmental way, its just, if I can prevent one woman from going through what I did I feel like my existence is worth something at least haha.

    I believe it was the sound and the fury that taught me that “virginity” is a patriarchal concept created by men.

    Anyway, best of wishes to you in whatever you decide to do.

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    • Thanks so much for this perspective Amanda. I really do appreciate you sharing your story! I have had a lot of people in my life encourage the “test drive!” Hahah 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  51. Thank you for being real. Thank you for not tiptoeing around your faith. God is in the process of preparing an amazing man, worthy of you, battle scars and all. All the while, God is shaping you to be an amazing wife.

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  52. Wow! This is such an amazing post. I love your honesty. Its amazing how you feel the same emotions I feel. You’re a virgin and I’m not. I’ve done the save myself thing, then ended up divorced. I’ve done celibacy, but recently broke it. I feel the same feelings of inadequacy and some times I feel like damaged goods but every day I wake up I am reminded that I am just as new as the dawn. New happens over and over and over and guess what, there’s a place for every new thing just as there’s a place for every used thing. We are enough! You are a gem! God delights in you! He delights in me as well! Let’s agree not to believe those whispers anymore. We are the crown of our future husband. 👑👑👑

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  53. Its not any better for a guy that is still a virgin by choice. I proudly gave – not lost – my virginity to my wife (before nuptials but she was the ONE and been together for almost 20 years). It’s hard not to be self conscious about it when it’s the subject your face in this age we live in. I wonder what to say to my daughters except maybe to tell them my story when it’s time. Everyone has their own path in life. You’re a beautiful woman and God will introduce you to your special someone. He did with me.

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  54. I just like to add that it isn’t easy staying on the narrow path (speaking spiritually/ physically and emotionally) It would be easy to throw that away and embrace the worlds way. It is all too common and in the worlds eyes the norm to shack up sleep around and cruise the pubs and bars for one night stands. The consequence though is treating yourself and others like commodities that you can sell and resell night after night. I don’t want to be a second or third hand commodity that passes myself around or is passed around by others. At the end of it all the expectations become unreasonable and unattainable because what is called normal healthy love is no longer satisfying. I don’t know about people my age but it appears that the younger generation has totally bought into Hollywood and the media’s version of casual sex and relationships. The real question is do the majority really live and feel this way or is it another false reality thrust on us as an ideal?

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    • What a wonderful, open post about virginity. It’s the first time I’ve seen such a thing. Remaining celibate until marriage can be hard. Really hard sometimes. But I too believe it will be worth it, if I get married. Even if I don’t (get married) I think it’s the right thing to hold fast to, because God says so. I can trust him, even when I don’t understand him.

      I’m even more encouraged that someone in their 20s still holds fast to God’s ways and standards instead of buying in to what the world says and continually tempts us to do.

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  56. Hey Beauty, what an open post. ❤️ I don’t think you have to worry about virginity being a turn off. For many, it’s an open book of possibilities. Innocence is incredibly beautiful, alluring even. And though you’re open about this, it’s not really any of his business until YOU decide to make him a part of your life. By then, it’ll be a precious gift. So, my vote is that you go on dates, many of them, and enjoy yourself. Hugs, Lena

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  57. Good on you for sharing. Your openess will inspire others to take that stand too. I was a virgin until I got married. I don’t think it will put any guy off, just give them more respect for you. And you will soon know if they are serious about you and share your values which is a big bonus. They won’t be hanging around for the wrong reasons. And glad your starting to open up …I’ve seen myself and friends go through that process and its not easy but it works! Go on lots of dates…a man experiment my friend called it to help her grow in confidence. Helped her look at the process in a positive light. God Bless

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  58. God bless you. A real man will respect you. Don’t ever change. Be who and what you are. Lovely. A survivor. Intelligent. Worth waiting for. Hugs and love, xoxo 💛

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  59. Love this. High standards for ourselves and others are the opposite of shameful. So encouraging to know there are others out there in my same situation.

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  61. In this day in age you are not the only one who feels that way! Many people who are saving there virginity including myself till marriage feel this shame because we are the odd ones out. It is glad to see I am not the only one who feels this way!❤️❤️❤️ -Izzy

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  62. I’m glad you decided not to give in to peer pressure. It’s terrible that you have to go through this. I went through it when I was 19. I was a virgin, and both my best friends were not. I was also very shy and so I gave in out of desperation. I wish I had not,

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  63. I tend to start writing when I feel a reaction to something you write/say just so I don’t lose the idea. If I don’t, well, it usually ends up being Gone With The Wind.

    So, your line “…I’m afraid of disappointing someone with my non-easiness.” Got me going. I started writing before I finished reading, so when I got done and then finished reading, you got where you should… for the most part. Still, I had fun. Maybe you’ll have some fun reading it.

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  64. I hate that you have felt this way. I was a virgin until right before my 30th birthday. Granted, I didn’t wait until I was married but the only man I have been with is my late husband. I never regretted that. I never said “You know, I with I slept around more.” I was happy. (Not that there is anything wrong if someone else makes a different choice. To each their own.

    I have no clue what Chapter 2 of my great love story will entail. But I am glad you are going to go on one date. Being open is one of the best ways to improve your life by giving you more opportunities.

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  65. I think it’s awesome that you’re saving yourself. I was a teenager during the “true love waits” movement and most of the people I knew signed cards, did not keep their vow.
    I waited and I’m proud of it. Didn’t even date till I was 22 and we got married that same year.
    I’m also gonna brag on my oldest kid, him and his girlfriend are taking deliberate steps to wait till their wedding night.
    You said you’re not looking for compliments, but you’re definitely not going to regret your decision at all. Hang in there, it’s always darkest before the dawn. (that didn’t sound soo lame till I typed it)

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  66. Dudette: You have nothing for which to feel uncomfortable or ashamed. A beautiful, intelligent, faithful Catholic woman who is willing to give her husband — and only her husband — that which is most precious, which she will only be sharing with him and he with her the rest of their lives? That is PRECIOUS!!! It is also awesome, humbling, and beautiful.  Now go findest thou a husband to wed. In Christ,your friend, Brian

    From: BeautyBeyondBones To: oneelbk@yahoo.com Sent: Thursday, 14 September 2017, 19:01 Subject: [New post] Virgin Shaming? #yiv5701392013 a:hover {color:red;}#yiv5701392013 a {text-decoration:none;color:#0088cc;}#yiv5701392013 a.yiv5701392013primaryactionlink:link, #yiv5701392013 a.yiv5701392013primaryactionlink:visited {background-color:#2585B2;color:#fff;}#yiv5701392013 a.yiv5701392013primaryactionlink:hover, #yiv5701392013 a.yiv5701392013primaryactionlink:active {background-color:#11729E;color:#fff;}#yiv5701392013 WordPress.com | beautybeyondbones posted: “There are three things you should know about me.Number One: My go-to drink is a vodka soda with two limes. With straight up-tequila coming in at a close second.Number Two: It only takes 1/2 a drink for me to get notably tipsy.Number Three: I am comp” | |

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  67. Its hard when everything is viewed as all or nothing. One has to be fully dating, with full sexual experiences and etc.. etc… or they are a cast out, cast off, hermit etc.. etc.. etc.. Its sad that nobody can date casually, slowly, and find what’s right, what’s comfortable, and wait until the time when more deeper things are right. Do what’s right for you. Don’t push so hard that it doesn’t feel right. Don’t get yourself into something that makes you be so attached and then they take advantage or even add in some degree of abuse, taking you for granted etc.. Take your time as YOUR time. That way you can get a better feel for “this is right, I’ll keep dating him, or this isn’t and I don’t want to go furhter”. God Bless with all the hugs, love and encouragement!! xoxoxoxo

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  68. I pray that the Holy Spirit will give you both an emotional and spiritual understanding of how precious you really are right now. The saints are in the grandstands wildly cheering you on. And so are we who read your blog.

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  69. I think I’ve already told you my thoughts about this… I know exactly how you feel. But everything you said is right… this won’t be a deal breaker to the right person.

    If you can get yourself to northern California, I’m available for your one date 😉 😛

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  70. I love the depth to which you share, and I had no shame in offering my virginity to my wife almost twenty years ago.

    I was playing a game with two females one time, and one of them said, “Girls rule boys drool.” Hollywood and our Godless culture has perpetuated that lie, and purity has taken a back seat to I can do what I want when I want. Not everyone is having sex as some advance. There are those committed to sexual purity in marriage between a man and a woman, not because it’s a “patriarchal concept”, but because it’s the way God created the relationship between a husband and a wife.

    Ecclesiastes says there’s nothing new under the sun, and that’s true, but sex can certainly be new even with the same spouse forty years later. The beautiful thing about beliefs is that you can accept or reject them, so when a thought comes into your head ask yourself if you’re going to believe it or reject it. If you believe it what will you do with that belief?

    I had to add my two cents. Grace and peace Caralyn.

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    • Thank you so much Daniel 🙂 thanks for sharing your story. What a beautiful love story you and your wife share. Lots of powerful food for thought here. Thanks again. Hugs and love xox

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  71. My high school youth pastor was explaining a story about teen peer pressure and shaming. A girl was being shamed for her virginity and she responded by saying, “I can become like you anytime I want to. But, you can never be like me.” For some reason after all these years that has still stuck with me. Sadly, sex sells and they’ve positioned their brand very well and hooked everyone when they were young. It’s tragic to see how people turn their issues around on others. They mock the sober, the chaste, the virtuous, the prudent. Proverbs 31 still holds true. Hang in there! Only you can decide if and when it’s time. Thanks so much for sharing your world!

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  72. Right on! You gave nothing to fear, and you are right: you do have a lot to offer to your husband. You stand on principle, even when it unpopular in contemporary culture. You’re an overcomer. You know from Whom your identity comes. You have a heart for people. You reciprocate the love and support of your family. And you’re rather lovely. Those criteria are important to any young bachelor who follows Jesus (I would know 😁). A young lady with these qualities would certainly draw my attention.

    I’m in a new town (Redding, CA), so I too have the opportunity to renew my approach to dating (more like actually approaching it 🤣). Never forget that the right man for you will appreciate the little things about you that make other guys leave, he will love you the way that the other important men in your life have done, and that you’re worth enough for Jesus to take your place on the cross.

    You’re a catch, Caralyn. Be yourself.

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  74. This post reminds me of the latest episode of Midnight Texas. Fiji, a beautiful, shy witch is being targeted by a demon. When all of the other characters ask her “Why is this demon so obsessed with you?”

    Because she’s a virgin witch. When she said it out loud she followed up with “This is the most embarrassing moment of my life!” And then ran and hid in a corner.
    I found it odd since the other characters didn’t make any rude comments. They were focused on keeping her safe from the demon.

    It’s interesting how in modern culture associates sex with maturity. I lost my virginity to my husband when I was 26 but my niece who had a baby at 16 proudly tells people she lost her virginity at 13 to a really hot 16-year-old she met at a house party.

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    • Thanks so much for sharing this story. How interesting. Yeah everyone is on a different path 🙂 it’s a beautiful thing when we can come together in respect and friendship! Hugs and love xox

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  76. I so want to hug you now, Sister, because I know what you’re going through. I never say that unless it really is true. Like you, I made the decision at a young age to wait for marriage. I felt the shame and self-doubt that came with it, but I held strong because I believed this was God’s way. I lost my virginity when I was 38 – very late by modern standards – but I was not married. I don’t regret that. I had had a talk with God that I was renouncing my vow to wait for marriage, because I no longer believed God’s way and waiting for marriage were the same thing.
    I’m not saying you are wrong. At your age, I absolutely believed waiting for marriage was the right thing, and changing my mind would mean betraying God. So why did I change my mind? That’s too long a story to tell in a “comment.” I’m only telling you to be honest, and in case one day you change your mind, it’s okay.
    I know you probably won’t change your mind now. And I know the challenges that come with that. So if you really believe this is the right way for whatever reason – it’s God’s will, God will bless you for it, protecting yourself from STD’s, or because you want your wedding night to be extra special – don’t be ashamed of it. And if one day you do change, don’t do it out of pressure or fear of losing the guy. Only change if you believe it’s the right thing for you, your man, and your relationship with God. If I could add anything to scripture, it would be this line from Shakespeare: This above all, to thine own self be true. If you’re not true to yourself, you can’t be true to God.
    I think you are right that when you meet the right man, he will respect this path you have chosen. But I need to say a few things on his behalf. First, be careful what you wear. Russell Wilson and Ciara declared they were going to wait for marriage. Sometimes I looked at what Ciara was wearing and thought, “If they really are telling the truth, she’s torturing him.” Second, do take time to get to know each other, but don’t make the courtship too long. Even if he is willing to wait for you, waiting is going to be tough (for both of you), so wait as long as you need but no longer. Finally, when it came to my fiancée, I told her I didn’t want her to do anything she would regret afterwards. If he is right for you, he will say the same.

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    • Aw David, you’re the best. Thank you so much. And thanks for sharing your story with me. And thank you for this perspective. Yeah there are many different paths and God loves all of us 🙂 to thine own self be true – ahh good old Billy Shakes. 😉 always Hittin us with a dose of wisdom that Bill. Hugs and love xox

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  77. I love you as always. I love your way of saying difficult things to say with ease and grace and it is just so endearing! Anyway, whereas individual people are largely wonderful, society as a whole pretty much sucks, so what they dictate as normal is pretty much the opposite of what God wants. So if you don’t feel you fit in because you are doing what us right, muster up some pride for that, friwnd, because it means you have arrived at alien, where Christians live. We are aliens, just passing through. And I am so jealous because you don’t have the guilt and shame and broken attachments on a horrifying level that we non-virgins have to forgive and go through pain for and get over later, as if that is a thing. Forgiveness is the real deal, though. But good for you. Love you. Stay the way you are, it is refreshing and perfect. Hugs!❤😄

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  78. I loved this message but one particular phrase made me uneasy. You stated “I’m afraid of disappointing someone with my non-easiness.” I, along with the majority of other women in our twenties ,enjoy sex but aren’t “easy.” That is assuming that sex is only what meant want and that if a woman also enjoys and wants to engage, she is less. I know you probably didn’t mean it in this way, but this is just my little tidbit of feed back.

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    • Thanks so much Adri. I’m so sorry that phrase was hurtful for you. That definitely wasn’t my intent. At all. Every single person is entitled to make their own decisions when it comes to physical intimacy, and I totally respect that. Just because a woman chooses to become intimate absolutely does not make her “easy,” and I see now the negative connotation that can be attached to that word. I truly am sorry. Thank you for pointing this out to me. Big hugs xox

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  79. Ugh. I have so many thoughts on this! Why should it be shameful to do something that leads to less heartache, protects yourself from disease, and allows you to get to know someone, really know them? (I don’t mean this as disrespect to anyone, but just believe these are some truths). In college in the 90’s I was made fun of and looked upon as a novelty act, like ‘how cute’, because I was saving myself. In a horrific game of ‘Where’s the most exotic place you’ve done it’, played with our ‘brother dorm floor’, I watched over 3/4 of the room all list their place & I was sweating by the time it came to me. “Haven’t.” My short answer. And I heard some guy “whisper” ‘Does she mean she’s NEVER had sex before?!’ My face was flaming!

    In today’s culture, I don’t envy young women in the dating world. There’s a certain mystery that comes with waiting; you get to be mysterious because they have to get to know the many facets of you. You don’t just lay it all out there by date 3. There are so many things to be gained by waiting. I watched a TV show where couple A was on their second date and ended up in bed, and couple B was on their second date and had some GREAT kissing & then fell asleep on the couch in their clothes. There’s so much adventure and romance in living like couple B, but what’s now expected is couple A. I think a lot of guys are missing out when they won’t wait. (When my boyfriend & I broke up, my counselor suggested that we broke up because I wouldn’t ‘put out’. That’s the kind of shaming and pressure that was out there in the 90’s!)

    If I had to guess, I’m guessing there are other 20 somethings just like you. In that horrific ‘game’ I played, I was the first to admit I was still a virgin, but after my turn? 3 other girls admitted they, too, were just like me. I encourage you to accept it as a valid way to live and that you and a future guy will have all the fun of getting to know each other, really know each other, and have A LOT of romance; accept that there are so many pluses that come with waiting. Once you own it, it’ll be that much easier for a guy to accept it.

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    • Thank you so much PJ! I really appreciate this beautiful encouragement. I’m sorry your counselor said that to you. Not cool at all. Thanks for sharing your story with me. You’re right – gotta own it! 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  80. I feel you, girl. I am exactly lik you in this, still a virgin. Virgin shaming is “real”. But I don’t give a thing coz I am not ready yet and I will give it to only “the one”. Hugs and love…

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  81. Head up dear sister, stand tall, shoulders back….you are the woman that a man wants as a wife.
    Be choosy who you date. If they are not following Christ with their whole hearts, as you are then don’t waste
    your time or his.
    You have nothing to feel or be ashamed about. When the right man comes along all that awkwardness will melt away.

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  82. Don’t you dare sell yourself cheap! I’m not about to build you up and say you’re gorgeous and beautiful and all that, although you are. What I will say is that you are God’s masterpiece, His workmanship in Christ and the price that He paid for you is because you’re worth it! There’s a guy out there right now saying the same thing to himself, that he could sleep around, but he’s coming to the same conclusion that you are. HE’S going to save himself for his wife, because she’s with it and so am I.
    KEEP THE LIGHT ON!

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  84. What does it say about our culture when you are living the virtue of chastity and feel bad (or at least a little wierd) about it?
    I say good for you! Keep your standards up because you are doing it right.

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  85. Caralyn, thanks for sharing such a vulnerable post! That took guts! I’m in the same boat as you, but I’m 34… Still hoping and praying fervently that God still has marriage in store for me…!

    It’s true that the culture is all about shaming that which is good, not only virginity, but those who doesn’t curse, cheat, or actually DO play by the rules in life, doing the “right thing.” And, I’m apt to think the reason behind this stance is because purity convicts people of their impurity, creating personal regret and uncomfortability (if that was a word!), which is difficult to handle when you can’t go back and change things.

    But as Paul told the Corinthians, “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” (2 Cor. 7:10) So, there is hope for those who regret choices they made if they allow themselves to hear that still small voice… And, just as someone previously mentioned, God can make the impure, pure before Him. It’s God who makes all things new! One day, we will all praise Him together!

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    • Thank you so much for this thoughtful response! It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers! God’s got good plans for your friend!! Thanks again. Hugs and love xox

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  86. Huh! I am confused. Speakeasy, Volka and the male gender. I am so confused. Didn’t you just post the other
    a day about wanting to make preparation and live right before God? I have been trying to work with you for three years and you still don’t get it. I’m getting a headache just from trying to help you… You make me weep. I don’t mean to sound cruel however look at it from my perspective for one moment. I gave up so much of the world to follow after Jesus. I don’t want to be a just a Sunday Christian, but rather an everyday Christian. ” A friend of the world is an enemy of God. I’d rather be a friend of Jesus than a friend to the world. Your faith has fractures in it. I love sinners but I hate the sin, do you know that every night I pray for you to get right before God? You wear the cross around your neck, but I carry the cross with Jesus daily. I’m studying the word, you trample the word underfoot. Do you know a friend if Rapture was to take place well you were in there you wouldn’t go. Carolyn dont wait too long, please…

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    • Hi Anthony, thanks for stopping by tonight. I appreciate your prayers. All I can say is that Jesus is in my heart. I love Him. I will occasionally have a drink or two with my friends a few times a month. And I see nothing wrong with that. I think it gives Jesus joy to see me enjoying my time with friends, since I had such a dark period in my past where I pushed friends away when I was in my anorexia. So I think it makes Him happy to see me socializing with friends. I’m sorry you feel my faith isn’t good enough. Thanks again for taking the time to read. Hugs and love xox

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      • There’s nothing wrong with socializing. I do it everyday! I don’t drink because my body is a temple of God. I wouldn’t drink anything that makes me drunk. (The wine at the wedding was grape juice. Let me bold if I went to a club to watch a woman dance and she was naked would that please God? Of course not. I only say this because I believe you are worth it.

  88. You are an amazing young lady! Thank you for saving your most special moment for your future husband. It will be cherished by both of you. Not only is there no shame in this, it is the way God intended it.
    Bless you, my dear. Keep up the wonderful work you are doing.
    Jim

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  89. I have the impression that you will know Mr. Right by the way he responds to you on this topic. He will most likely win your heart, by focusing on your heart and your faith.

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  90. You know it is a sad thing when people find something to shame about everyone. It could be fat shaming, thin shaming, virgin shaming, etc…it is always something. We each make our choices and we are the only ones that have to live with them. All the shamers, haters, or whatever don’t have to look at you in the mirror the next day or for the rest of your life…you do.

    As far as the virginity thing, that’s nothing to be ashamed of and the right man will appreciate you all the more for it. I was and I will be married to the only man I have ever had for 19 years in a few weeks. So you go girl…you are amazing just the way you are!!

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  91. Your virginity is only one aspect of the wonderfully complex “you” that you’ll be able to offer your husband, and I am certain the right man will value your choice to wait. My husband and I did not become Christians until we’d been married a couple years, and neither of us were virgins. However, I will honestly say that I wish I had been, because the physical relationship without the commitment will never grow to the same depth as it will when you’re married. You learn and grow together, and intimacy is no different in that aspect. You’ve made an incredibly admirable, difficult (in this day and age) choice, and I don’t think you’ll regret it for a moment, even though there may be struggles each time you choose to do the right thing. HUGS!—Lynda

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  94. I was twenty-something before I “gave someone my flower” (Friends referece alert 😀).
    2,5 year later, we’re still together.
    So it can happen! Your first can be the one! 💪💪

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  96. Ain’t I just proud of you. You got nothing to be ashamed of. Instead you have every reason to hold your head high and say to that right man when he comes… “look, this is what I have to offer! “

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  98. Thank you for this! I feel the same way! I’m not a virgin BUT the Lord is effectively teaching me how to be pure for the RIGHT one after my divorce. I’ve been learning alot about purity in body mind and spirit, and one thing I’m learning is that I’m not made for every guy. Im made for one. THE ONE. So go on with your bad self and claim your virginity! It’s awesome! Your awesome! We girls need to support another in this journey. It ain’t easy but our faith and hope in the Lord knows it is well worth it.

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  100. Caralynn, I will be praying for you, and for God’s will. God loves you with a love that does not string you all over the please. He will bring you the man He has for you.

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  101. Absolutely no shame in your non game. After my divorce I adopted a no-sex rule. Happily married to the man who respected my boundaries. Before I met him I got dumped for having food boundaries, men who couldn’t deal with the way I ate, the way I said ‘no’, the way I respected myself. The man who accepted me for my truths, proposed. Love is all about truth. Keep living your truth. Congrats on your book and honoring your self. ❤️

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  102. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you are less because of your virginity, man or woman. I still wish that I had mine. What you are doing is beautiful and strong, and I applaud you for it!

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  104. Virgin shaming is definitely a very real problem in our society and you have nothing to be ashamed of in doing what feels right with you. Just like ‘slut shaming’ should no longer be a thing, neither should shaming people for waiting until marriage or at least the right person. And as you said, the right guy will not mind at all! x

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  105. BBB,
    You know I am proud of you right? Your virginity is worth more temporary acceptance by men or unfriendly friends.
    Some of them feel sad and miserable when confronted with the fact that they are no longer what you are now… Virgin.

    Premarital sex is exaggerated and overhyped. Trust me, it is!
    A man who cannot stay with you without sex is not worthy to spend the rest of his life banging you and licking your sweet honey.
    Virginity is a treasure keep it and it is good for your brand and it helps creativity.
    From Nigeria
    Olatunji Rockdweller

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  106. Nothing to be ashamed of. I am 31 years man and had a full sexual relationship and I regret nothing. I had many chances to do it but refused because I couldn’t find somebody who I can communicate with on spiritual level. Authentic spiritual people are rare and they just need true spiritual love to feel pleasure in the rest of their activities together. If they do it only for instinctual reasons, they know they bury their soul in the blindness of their bodies. And how could they give up the thing they found the most happiness within? Nothing to be ashamed of in being different or happy.

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  109. Life is definitely harder all round for your generation. This question should never being putting someone off a first date – dating shd not be about having sex that first time, or even that third time – sex is for when we know each other – amazing it has got as far as first dates … society should have a think about ‘using other people’ …

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  110. I know you said you’re not looking for affirmation, but I think it’s awesome to stay pure until marriage. It’s so worth it! Our society has everything backwards and I honestly think most people are more unhappy because of it. You are an encouragement to others who are doing this same thing. May the Lord bless you!

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  111. I felt the same way. When I met my husband I was embarrassed, but the way he reacted was beautiful and special. It was a reminder to me that waiting for this man was the best choice I could have made. You are awesome, and if some guy has an issue with that then he doesn’t deserve you. Thanks for sharing!

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  112. Wow! Kudos to you!!!
    I am overjoyed to read this and your courage to stand up for good. I have 3 daughters and a son, and I am sure they would face similar challenges.

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  113. Hi, well life throws some strange things at us all, virginity is something to be proud of. It has nothing to do with self restraint but it focuses on our acknowledgement of God’s right to set the standards in our lives. You bet it is a struggle and that young people leave themselves open to ridicule from their peers.
    Yet when we reflect on the important things our relationship with God outweighs everything.
    So commendation for the strong stand and to every person who has decided to follow the bible standard.
    The expression of love through intimacy within a marriage before god is different to other relationships. We need to contrast the bibles statements about morality and the fact that the bible says humanity is living in the power of the wick one – the ruler of the spirit of this world is another wonderful phrase. So don’t expect a secular world to agree with a godly decision.
    Be proud of your decision and be courageous.

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  114. Very beautiful and honest post. Please hold your head high and walk with pride. You are on the right track. Open up a bit and go on a date, be yourself and trust God, and believe me, God will bring someone who loves you just as you are. Someone who will never pressure you till you both are married. I made a decision that I must marry a virgin, and that I did. That was a deal breaker. When I met my husband he didn’t know I was a virgin (I didn’t say). You can imagine his utter joy and high regard for me on our wedding night. God bless your sweet gentle heart. 🌸 🌺

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  115. When I read your blog – especially posts like this – I can’t help but wonder what an inspiration you must be to other young women (especially teen girls) who have to deal with the pressures of society. I admire you and the way you discuss struggles like these, but having followed your posts, I think (as if my opinion holds any weight) you will follow the path God sets out for you.

    Virginity is such an interesting topic when it comes to dating, and having relinquished mine long before I married, I can easily say its the one thing I regret in my life. I remember one day, when my wife and I were struggling in our marriage she asked me if I had any regrets about our relationship. As I told her then, and still believe now, I wish I would have given my V-card to her because it is truly a perfect gift.

    Oh…and date…
    …a LOT! Have fun, enjoy the company, enjoy the laughs, and work through the process of discovering the man that would be the ideal partner in your life! 🙂

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