Virgin Shaming?

There are three things you should know about me.

Number One: My go-to drink is a vodka soda with two limes. With straight up-tequila coming in at a close second.

Number Two: It only takes 1/2 a drink for me to get notably tipsy.

Number Three: I am completely guarded in word and heart….until said tipsy state has been actuated.

Last night was one of those nights.

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I was catching up with a good friend of mine up in Harlem. We were at this really cool speakeasy with smooth jazz, exposed brick, high concept cocktails, and where the menus are literally pasted into old hard-cover books.

She and I were having a great time. Chatting. Laughing. Making friends with the cute bartender. You know. A typical Tuesday night for your twenty-something New Yorker.

But as the night went along, and the conversation had turned to dating and the atrocity of the modern day, “Swipe-right“-App-driven dating scene, I found myself opening my heart to her about some of my fears and struggles when it comes to the romance department.

And you know how, when you’re a little loosy-goosy, you can almost hear yourself talking – completely self aware of how you’re coming off, and yet simultaneously you’ve willingly abandoned the ability to filter what it is you’re saying?

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If that makes any sense at all?

Anyway, I’ll just cut to the chase here…

I literally heard these words come out of my mouth:

“I think I’m afraid to date because I fear that, because I’m a virgin, I won’t be enough for a man. I’d be a waste of time.”

And bless her heart, my friend was so kind and built me up and reassured me as any good friend would do.

But the following day, with sober-Caralyn reflecting on that cringe-worthy confession, it gave me a lot of emotions. A lot of “feels” – as the kids these days are saying. 😉

I’m going to be really honest – I’ve reached the age where, being a virgin is no longer “cute.” It’s more like…what’s wrong with her?

You all know my love for The Bachelor – and one of the themes that has come up recently on Bachelor in Paradise, – and frankly in the media at large – is the concept of “Virgin Shaming.”

And I can fully affirm, that that is absolutely, positively a real thing.

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I know that my virginity is nothing to be ashamed of, and truthfully, it gives me so much joy and peace to know that I will be able to give that to my future husband one day, but the fact is…right now...I feel like less of a woman. I feel like I’m defective. Or undesirable. Frankly, I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment.


And let me just say, I’m not looking to be built up or complimented or anything like that. I’m just processing a comment I uttered when my walls were down that quite honestly, shocked me. Frankly, I thought I was “stronger” than letting the pressures of society get to me like that. But I guess, my inner heart can still be wounded, no matter how tough of defenses I try to enact.

I think I’m at a very dangerous crossroads of two very different paths. One, of a closed off existence, lived in fear and shame – having cowered away from even looking for a man, simply because I’m afraid of disappointing someone with my non-easiness. Or the other road, where I remain emotionally open and receptive to a relationship – dare I say: even seeking one out, with the confidence and assuredness in my decision to remain a virgin until marriage.

Because it’s either one or the other. There’s not really much grey area anymore – I’m either open to love, or I’m not. And am I really going to let my self-consciousness in the lack of knotches on my belt be the determining factor?

That would be quite the tragedy.

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I guess, this is just my public proclamation, that I am not going to let the shame I may feel get the best of me and dictate the direction my life is going to take.

Because the fact is, I do have a lot to offer a man.

And I’m going to be a damn good wife, if I do say so myself.

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But I can’t be afraid to put myself out there, just because I’m nervous about what he’ll say.

Will it be a deal breaker for some guys? Yes. Probably most guys.

But not for the guy. Not for the right guy.

But I’m not going to meet that guy if I just reject every offer that comes my way and swear off dating, simply because I’m afraid. That’s a pocket veto if I’ve ever seen one.

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SO. Before the month is over, I’m going to go on one date. By Oct 1. I have to stop turning down opportunities, and actually accept one date. I’m asking you to hold me accountable. Okay?

Kapeesh?

Good. Thanks. Glad that’s settled.

Now please excuse me while I go and try to ‘be approachable’ at Barnes & Noble.

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***Thanks to everyone who has ordered by book, Bloom: A Journal by BeautyBeyondBones!***

Click here to order your copy!

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

503 thoughts on “Virgin Shaming?

  1. Very open, honest post that so many people young and old are dealing with. I have experienced both sides of the coin and can attest God’s way is the best way. After engaging in pre-marital relations there is the fear of pregnancy, STDs and HIV, and the Walk of Shame when someone is finished with you. When I meet my current husband and we both had experienced some of the above and wanted to do things God’s way this time. We did not date but hung out and became good friends, who decided to marry. And God has given us a healthy marriage that is growing gracefully as we age. God will send you someone in his time, just be patient because a BAD marriage seems to last an eternity – – take my word for it.

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    1. Thank you so much friend. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. You’re right – His timing is worth mailing for. And thank you for sharing your story. I’m so glad to hear that you have a healthy and loving marriage. That’s a beautiful thing 🙂 big hugs to you xox

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  2. Good afternoon my dear, courageous, and strong Caralyn,
    Feeling very emotional. Feeling very proud and honored to know you, and it is another time where I would love to sit down and just confide so much in you. Anywho, fair warning this may be another lengthy response but I will try to avoid it. First, virgin shaming is another form of abuse, bullying and leads to a person going down a path that is dark and feels hopeless. Teens, pre-teens, young adults, and even maybe some adults feel too pressured by society to have sex and it is just flipping ridiculous. Society in itself is a big pet peeve. It is the one thing that gets my blood pressure going and I want to turn into the Hulk and smash. God has to remind me to love my enemies and not allow them or this fallen world to drag me into the pits.
    Second, I have been where you were in regards to feeling tipsy, saying and or doing something and then the next day I wanted to hide my shame like an ostrich in the sand. Honestly, I think those moments are why I shelter myself from people as I live with so much shame, guilt, scars, etc..(see long and emotional)
    Moving on past the teardrop hotel, there was a time when I followed so close to God then I was at church every day the doors were open with or without my parents. Anywho, I had plans for my future like you to save myself for the right one. Before Falling away from God, the man he would send me. That all changed one night when someone decided to change my plans. I won’t get into it here and honestly, not sure why I brought up except that what you said reminded me of what I wanted as a child and to say again, how brave and strong you are. What you have is a gift, a gift given by God and never let anyone take that away from you.
    Love always and God Bless you.
    xoxo

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    1. Oh my gosh, I am just sending you so many hugs right now. Thank you for sharing that with me. I am so sorry that that was taken from you without your consent. You did not deserve that. I hope you know that you deserved to be respected and protected and my heart just breaks to hear that. thank you for your loving encouragement. You’re a great friend and I am so grateful that our paths crossed 🙂 big hugs to you friend xox

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  3. Yo BBB! Never feel the need to defend yourself against yourself. Definition of insanity.The only person you have to deal with at night is the person staring at the ceiling, you. I think what you’re doing is great. You are doing something which is difficult through sacrifice: Right action.

    What you are doing takes personal courage and faith. Regardless of the God you pray to, faith is faith, is faith, all around; Something we can all understand and respect. Your knight will show up, right when the time is right, when you least expect it and it’s gonna scare the ever loving tar out of you. Submit to it, not him.

    MMKKE

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