The first of my friends from high school is getting. married.
DUN DUN DUN
So I’m sitting here at the airport waiting to fly back home, where I am going so see my former classmates from high school. Which wouldn’t be that big of a deal, except for the fact that the last time I saw these people, I was 78 pounds and entrenched in my anorexia. So needless to say, I’m feeling some anxiety about seeing everyone again.
And I wanted to explore that feeling, because let’s be honest, it’s kind of overwhelming. And bottling things up is never a good thing.
I was nervous about having to explain where I am in my life. I mean, the “Big Two” when you’re a young twenty-something are Relationships and Job Titles. Those are the questions you’re bombarded with at cocktail parties. And my feeling of anxiety was tied to my “not’s.” — Focusing on the “not’s” in my life.
And this is something that I think can get in a lot of people’s heads.
Examples of some other “not’s” could be, I’m not where I want to be from a health/fitness stand point. I’m not “in” with the “right” crowd. I’m not on the sports team I was hoping to make. I’m not doing how I thought I would at school. I’m not where I want to be in my recovery. I’m not accepted to the school I was dreaming of attending.
Any of those sound familiar?
But here’s what was put on my heart:
I need to just let all those “not’s” go.
Just take a long exhale and let them go.
The fact is, I am in a good place in my life. I am healthy. I am in recovery from an eating disorder that nearly took my life. I am working hard at my acting career in a city that can eat you alive if you let it. I am living my reclaimed life and have supportive friends who love me. And I am a daughter of the King, and am loved and worthy just for that fact alone.
Sure, I might not be where I want to be financially yet, and my romantic life may be significantly lacking, but those “not’s” do not define who I am.
And being so caught up in the “not’s,” I have subconsciously been compensating.
And as I was packing three different dress options, a hair straightener, hair diffuser, purse, shawl, the “right” bra, blah blah blah…I thought to myself – none of this matters.
Which leads me to my last point.
Sure, I may have been looking for the “wow dress” to wear when I see these people for the first time. But that is just clothing.
What matters is the girl inside the dress.
Which I know, is beyond cheesy.
But what matters is who I am.
And who I am is not defined by the “not’s” or the dress.
That is who I am.
Because at the end of the day, people won’t remember what I was wearing, or what my annual income is. They’ll remember how I treated them. How I made them feel. How I radiated Love.
Nothing defines us unless we let it. What defines you?