How Did I Recover?

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’ve been sitting, staring at this blank page for about 2 hours now.

Granted, I’ve taken a few breaks to peruse Buzzfeed, watch a Korean makeup video, and get ready for bed, but let’s face it. I’ve got writer’s block.

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Which royally stinks.

So I’m going to go back to my roots here tonight. Return to why I started this blog in the first place.

Sometimes, when I think back to when I was in the throes of anorexia, it catches my breath. Thinking about all the ways I was ruled by this menacing dictator in my head: ED. Days were calculated to the minute. Choices and moments were heightened, inducing high stakes anxiety attacks. I was in the most extreme vortex of panic, all the time. About food. Exercise. Movement. Calories. Body image. Fear. Stress. Routines. Schedules. Secrecy.

I was trapped. A prisoner in my own disordered mind.

And honestly, thinking back to how entrenched I was – truly, in every sense of that word — completely consumed, suffocated, — I honestly cannot believe that I escaped. Because during that time, I would have never thought that freedom from that state of strangulation was possible. The thought of being recovered, it was simply unimaginable. Overwhelming to consider. It seemed completely unattainable.

And I don’t think I’m alone in that. For a lot of girls trapped in an eating disorder, imagining a life free from ED is downright impossible. Just the thought of the next meal is enough to send you into a full-blown panic attack, so the thought of a recovered life where you eat without fear, have a healthy body, and accept who you are…it’s simply out of the realm of possibilities.

So how then, did I do it?

I think that’s the question I get asked the most. How did I break free? How did I embrace recovery when I was so sick.

And I know, the answer “It was God” is enough to give you eye strain from the severity of the eye roll it solicits.

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But here’s the truth.

It only takes one baby step. One decision. One choice: I am going to begin the journey of recovery.

One moment of looking up and saying, “help.” Because that’s it – you don’t have to have all the steps figured out yet. You won’t. Guaranteed. You won’t know what you will need, how you will do it, what tools/strategies/methods/obstacles/detours you will need along the way, but that’s okay. You don’t have to.

Because that’s where God comes in.

That’s what I mean when I say, “It was God.”

All I had to do was make the decision to try. To begin. To start.

It’s like that scene in Aladdin (I know, I’m a sucker for classic Disney. Don’t give me none of this Pixar crap…)

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Aladdin takes a step off of Jasmine’s balcony, and as he’s about to fall, the magic carpet swoops in and gives him footing.

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God will give you what you need for the journey. He’ll give you everything necessary to succeed.

But I had to give Him my “yes.” I had to choose to begin.

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Were there days that I slipped up? 100%. Heck, I had a period where I relapsed. Hard.

Where was God then? 

Well I’ll tell ya. God’s not the welfare system. I mean, He is...Grace is the biggest “government” handout we’ll ever be privileged enough to receive.

But – we have to actively work, too.

I had to make the conscious decision every day to stick to recovery. I always have. Always will.

But when I choose to make that decision, and ask for help, I get it. Every time.

So that how “I did it.” That’s how I broke free.

I said yes, He provided the way.

Now…back to those Korean make up videos…

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*And a huge thank you and shoutout to Fr. Mike for being my inspiration for this piece 🙂

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

279 thoughts on “How Did I Recover?”

  2. Awesome! Thank you for going back and remembering for all of us. . . What an inspiration. I don’t have ED; however, my plate is full, so to speak. I face my own demons . . . everyday. And your blog is such an encouragement! Thank you.

    1. Thank you so much 🙂 I really appreciate your kind words! It’s true – we all are facing our own “stuff” but we’re all in this together! 🙂 so glad you stopped by! big hugs xo

  3. I admire you for recovering and coming back stronger from an ED. Like you said yourself it’s not an easy thing to do at all, but here you are blogging about it! I’ll let you get back to your Korean make-up videos now 😉 (wanna send some along to me?) Jk jk. The only makeup I own is an eyeliner pencil.

    1. Thank you 🙂 haha oh yes! they are so fascinating to watch! If you’re looking for an awesome vlogger, Pony is truly transformative in her makeup. But for regular stuff, I really like KathleenLights and Tati 🙂 haha yay for eyeliner 🙂 lol!!! big hugs to you! thanks for your encouragement! xox

  4. Good post. Did you ever find out what caused you to take the step into ED? I know you say thoughts in your head but did you ever discover who planted those thoughts? It’s important because you learn who your adversaries are. Just like Paul teaching us how to spot Satan’s deceptions, we learn. Then we can point out to others how to spot a deceiver saving others from the pitfalls we missed. You are beautiful and you are a princess in God’s eyes and mine.

    1. Thank you so much! Wow what a kind thing to say:) you know, it was really a combination of a lot of things. Mainly pride and striving for perfection. So now I definitely have learned to let those things go. With God anything is possible! Hugs and love xox

  6. I like your blog posts, and I like your videos. And I admirte your candor and your willingness to share yourself with us. In my opinion, all those little video clips you insert detract from your message. You, my dear, don’t need anything extra at all to embellish your beautiful testimony. I just scroll through all those things and read what you write. The rest is wasted on me. I don’t know, maybe your other readers love them, and I’m just the old misfit, but I’n in one of those tell-it-like-it-is zones tonight.

    In Jesus’ precious name Steven Sawyer stevesaw@gmail.com http://stevensawyer.wordpress.com/

    On Thu, Sep 29, 2016 at 7:00 PM, BeautyBeyondBones wrote:

    > beautybeyondbones posted: “I’ve been sitting, staring at this blank page > for about 2 hours now. Granted, I’ve taken a few breaks to peruse Buzzfeed, > watch a Korean makeup video, and get ready for bed, but let’s face it. I’ve > got writer’s block. Which royally stinks. So I’m goi” >

      1. I am glad I made you smile! You have such a beautiful one, anyways! We all need one good smile a day, don’t we? Love and God Bless, SR

      4. And Sid burning that mark on Woody’s head. Too funny. That movie brought back so many childhood memories. Darn it, now you’re going to make me go find the DVD. I’ll never get to sleep.

  13. Love you girl! Such courage and strength you give to others! You have been called for a purpose Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

  14. So positive. God is good all of the time even when we feel we don’t deserve it. Thankfully He’s so loving and forgiving and never gives up on us when He knows we are truly ready to take those right steps whatever they may be. Keep up the positive work. BLESSINGS.

  15. I would never have guessed that you had writers block. Great post. Beautiful is what you are inside and out. When you say yes to God he does the rest.

  16. Awesome! Because you broke it down to the simplest answer, “Help me God!” That’s it… that’s all there is to it, the beginning anyway:) Then we apply what God has said and promised. Everything else just fits into place:) Bless His Holy Name and God bless you too!

  18. Great post! The other day via a Facebook generated link my life quote was ‘be kind to everyone you meet, for everyone is fighting some kind of battle.’ This so so rings true – have a great day xx

  23. I can relate so much. When I decided to get help, my therapist challenged me to only weigh myself once a day (unheard of for me who typically weighed myself 10+ times a day). Anyways, I wrote Philippians 4:13 on my mirror that night and didn’t weigh myself the entire weekend. The help of the Lord is crucial for recovery in my opinion as well. Xoxo

  25. “I was trapped. A prisoner in my own disordered mind.” Such a relevant quote for me as well when I look back on myself before I received the right treatment for my mental illness.

  26. I always get something out of your posts. Thank you for sharing. Things have been challenging for me lately. Both in good ways and not so good ways. Still, a clean life is very good, even when it ain’t so hot 🙂

  32. Usually when I want to leave a comment on someone’s post, I read the post over a couple of times to gather my thoughts.

    This one, however, required only one read-through. I knew exactly what I wanted to say in my comment. It isn’t much, but it is so much: You are blessed and God is good.

    May God bless you always. 🙂

  34. You are a beautiful young lady and an inspiration to all who read your posts. I am so happy that you decided to recover and asked God to help you figure out your path. I too gave up and asked God for help and got it … once I let Him help me.

  35. Once again, truly inspirational and makes me think of the struggles in my life that I had to overcome. Reading through this three times over, and thinking back on my own life, it actually brought me to tears a little bit because I began thinking about how, when I truly realized I needed God, I turned and I did not have to go find Him, He was just there, waiting for me to turn to Him, ask His forgiveness, and He embraced me. God doesn’t leave His children, He follows after them, subtly imploring them to turn to Him, but He waits for them to make that decision, but what’s truly amazing is that He WAITS. He was extremely patient with me just as He was extremely patient with you–just waiting for you to say that you can’t do anything on your own and you need God to pull you up.

    Caralyn, your scars don’t define where you’re going, only where you have been. Just think on how Christ bears the scars He received from his death–and those scars only tell us what Jesus has done for us. If I might quote another Disney reference:

    Stay beautiful in Christ, Caralyn! Always praying!

    ~Tom

    1. Thanks Tom:) I can always count on you for such powerful insight and thoughtful encouragement. I’m so glad it resonated with you and that you too know the merciful and saving hand of God. Amen : by his stripes we are healed. Can’t wait to check out the video. Big big hugs xox

      1. Glad I can do it! And I should be thanking you, you definitely know how to reach people and touch their hearts. You definitely have a gift of healing and wisdom!

        Hope you’re having a good night! Have a great Friday and a great start to your weekend!

    1. Thank you Cheetahs. Yes. Faith! Looking forward to checking out that article. Thanks for passing it along. Living in Manhattan, I definitely see a lot of cases of the “yuppies.” Thanks for stopping by! big hugs to you friend xox

  37. I absolutely love your analogy of Aladdin and the magic carpet. That is perfect- just taking that first step and God does the rest when you cannot yourself. Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts always, sweet girl. I admire you beyond words! <3

    1. Hey Mack! Aw thanks:) yeah leave it to Disney to give us powerful life lessons:) Aladdin was always one of my favs! I really appreciate your kind words, lady. So glad you enjoy the blog:) sending massive hugs! Happy Friday! Yay!

  38. Thanks for sharing. God helped me through depression and my experience of His help was as you described; I had to say yes, God, I need your help. But honestly, I had to be brought so low before I was willing to say that. But He was always there even when I turned away from Him bitterly.

  39. Great testimony of strength. Thank you for sharing your story. In things like shame and insecurity that keep people beaten down, you have found the right perspective and found your strength in overcoming your challenges with strength from God. I’m always encouraged and refreshed in my own spirit to hear stories like these.

  40. I hear you! While ED is decades behind me, I’ve discovered in the years since that my dependence upon God’s strength, mercy, grace and healing has continued in pretty much every aspect of my life. ED was just one battle in the war of mortality. That said, lest I sound morbidly depressing, life is not just a war zone; life offers love and joy and beauty as well. But I have learned this life is about struggles challenges and growth of which I simply am not in control and thus cannot conquer without God. I’ve come to recognize this is His design, His plan; a plan which brings about His purpose.

  43. Excellent post. In reality how you found freedom is how we all find freedom. Whether it be an eating disorder, fear, worry, whatever. This is how I’m finding freedom from fear. Thanks for sharing.

  49. You are a warrior and an inspiration. Anorexia is one of the most difficult things to battle. As you are probably aware of, the success rates are not usually great. Your blog I hope will help to change that. Having been on both sides of the scale there is criticism no matter what size you are. Trying to be happy with yourself the way you are is a difficult achievement. Good luck and keep writing.

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