Am I Dating My Phone???

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’m going to be really honest: dating right now, as a single, young adult, in the era of dating apps, Instagram stories, egg freezing and ghosting…it royally sucks.

Call me old fashioned, call me out of touch, but the hookup culture is the worst.

Nevermind the fact that I’m a Christian — and a virgin — the whole thing is a nightmare. 

And so this Valentine’s Day, since I will be celebrating with my other fed-up, single and beautiful twenty-something gal pals, I thought I’d highlight a few quick grievances about the infuriating games that are played by those in the dating field.

Because a wise friend once told me: NOTHING REAL STARTS WITH A GAME.

Amen.

First: The Texting Game

Somewhere between the death of AOL Instant Messenger and the rise and fall of Snapchat, dating singles have decided that when corresponding with a potential love interest, one must never respond to a text promptly. As in: a guy texts you at 6:00pm, you have to wait until at least 7:05pm to respond, so as not to look desperate, clingy, or too available. And then, depending on how quickly he responds, you divide that amount of time in half to determine when you can reply to his next incoming message.

Yeah – if that sounds insane…that’s because…IT IS.

And it is exhausting.

Second: The “Who Can Care Less” Game

This game is particularly hurtful, because you’re reinforcing a barrier between you and the other person. At least for me – and I think I can speak for a fair number of women – we don’t ever want to come off as “clingy.” I mean – hello: Watch How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and you’ll see Kate Hudson’s character “switch” to a stereotypical “nightmare girlfriend” that is needy, irrational, and clingy, complete with a love fern. A stereotype that is sure to “Lose a Guy” and a stereotype that I try to avoid like the plague.

And guys, on the other hand – they’re afraid of putting their heart on the line and getting hurt.

So we both play this game of “who cares the least.”

Oh you want to cancel last minute? Sure, no biggie. Just date casually and not prioritize our relationship? Oh, I don’t care.

I call BS on all of it. That chicken *crap* behavior becomes some sort of sick competition and it just delays actually getting to know one another and moving the relationship forward.

Third: The Instagram Story Game

Ugh – this one is most annoying. And one that I am recently super guilty of. And this consists of posting an Instagram Story (a public, disappearing photo or video that is only visible for 24 hours) that documents that a) you were out on the town. b) Having fun. c) Looking cute. And d) Certainly not caring that he didn’t call, and/or that you’re having a fabulous life without him.

It’s basically to say, Look, I’m not on my couch eating takeout by myself, and in fact, I’m super fun and datable. 

And this is also incredibly exhausting. My friends and I were laughing last Saturday, because instead of engaging with each other, having fun – we were all figuring out what and how to post our evening on Instagram Story.

ENOUGH!

Lastly, The Ghosting Game.

Ghosting: the art of simply vanishing from a text conversation, or a budding relationship, without notice, warning, or saying goodbye, and never to be heard from again.

This despicable and rude practice has been made possible because dating apps and the switch to “text-only” communication — it has completely erased any trace of accountability.

You can cancel plans, you can wait to see if there’s a better offer, you can avoid – or ignore – or be super flakey or last minute, all thanks to the impersonal nature of the way we correspond now a days.

And frankly it sucks.

All this to say: the current dating scene is not a hopeless situation. I truly believe that, and that’s coming from a virgin who’s had to turn down more lame, “Let’s get out of here” lines than I can count.

Yeah, there are a lot of frogs out there. But there are also a lot of good ones, too. And I, for one, haven’t given up on finding my prince.

If you take one thing away from this piece: it’s to leave the games behind, and operate from place of respect. Or put simply: treat the other person the way you would want to be treated.

Plain and simple.

So Happy Valentine’s Day, my special friends.

Consider this a box of Godiva Chocolates from me to you 🙂


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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

251 thoughts on “Am I Dating My Phone???”

  3. I love this post! It’s so true
    And can be applied to all
    relationships. And, the take away is perfect. Respect☀️ Most people wouldn’t treat so poorly if it wasn’t for the social media platforms making it a lot easier. Thanks for putting your thoughts out😊

    Like

  4. Yet another awesome piece Caralyn.
    I only wish i had seen this before yesterday had run out (in my time zone that is), i would have loved to reblog this or even copy a concept or two.
    Old fashioned or not, i appreciate the fact that the world of women still has rare realistic personalities like yourself.
    Again, i 100% agree with you.

    Happy belated Val Caralyn. I hope yours went well

    Like

  5. Your position on dating is spot-on! Your blog is sweeter than chocolate! Thank you for being brave enough to tell the truth. We also love the fact that you’re 20something and single and a virgin and openly post it. We are a husband-and-wife team and we read and share your posts together! We were both virgins when we were married as well

    Like

    1. Hey Andrea and John! thank you so much for sharing your beautiful love story! Gosh it gives me so much hope 🙂 it sounds like you two have a really special relationship 🙂 Hugs and love xox

      Like

  6. I have tried the same thing with zero success, and I have spend all of my Valentine’s Days alone. Actual factual truth is that the best relationships are the ones where people meetup with the people they see regularly. Thank you again for another great post.

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  7. This is so true! It’s crazy out there for those looking for a committed relationship and marriage. To be honest, I only tried one dating site – Catholic Match. There are some quality men interested in having a holy marriage and children. Like anything else, you have to figure out who’s genuine and who’s not. Just wanted to pass this info along… May the Lord bless you and send you the right man in His time!

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  10. You deserve WAY better than anyone who indulges on that crap.
    It occurred to me recently that I’m eligible to date, I’ve been divorced for a year now. But I don’t know where to start. I do know where not to start, and that is dating apps

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    1. Oh gosh thank you for saying that. And thank you for sharing your story. I’m definitely allfor the mutual friend approach! 🙂 and yes! You are definitely eligible! Hugs and love xox

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  11. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you! I met my husband on a dating site almost 8 years ago (before it was as big of a thing as it is now) and I promise the good ones exist! He’s truly the man of my dreams. I’m wishing you find the same, you deserve it 🖤

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    1. Aw thank you Jordan, I really appreciate that! And gosh that gives me so much hope. Thanks for sharing your beautiful love story!! Hugs and love xox

      Like

  15. I love your post. I love how you stand for Christ and encourage others. It’s been a while since I’ve raised kids or dated. I’ve been married 43 years. My oldest grand daughter is 15 though, and I shudder to think of the climate for dating right now. You know, just because we finish part of the race doesn’t mean we should check out of it. I try to keep current so I know how to pray for and encourage my grandchildren. I’m thankful they are all in good churches. That’s a help.

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    1. Aw thank you so much Bonnie. Thank you for sharing your love story! Wow 43 years! That’s really something to celebrate! Hugs and love xox

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  16. Hang in there! By the time I met my husband, I had gotten so tired of e-mail and text (and 10 years ago, phone) convos before the first date from guys on CatholicMatch where we met. So I basically told every guy who messaged me I was not interested in talking, only actually meeting for dates. I set up dates with about 5 guys that way… the first and best turning out to be the one I married!

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    1. Thanks MC! I really appreciate your encouraging words. And thanks for sharing your beautiful love story!! Gives me great hope!! Hugs and love xox

      Like

  18. Yeah I feel it. It’s hard enough finding someone, but being a christian comes with such high standards making it even tougher. It’s all about trying to find someone you can grow with in Christ and being in relationship with someone who helps you be better, and we live in a time where it’s very difficult to find. Never Settle!!

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  19. One more annoying “game” that is not on this list: the like-button being used… I find it highly obnoxious, addictive and a useless and utterly confusing form of “correspondence”.

    Like

      3. Okay, I finally found where you can turn-off the like-button in WP. There is the “My Sites” column on the left. You scroll all the way down to where it says, “Sharing”. On top of the right hand area there are two choices: “Connections” and “Sharing Buttons”. You choose “Sharing Buttons”. You go down that menu and there is a box that shows, “Reblog & Like”. When you un-check the “Show Like Button” that gets rid of it.

        There ya go! 🙂

        Feel free to share this information. I think it will be very, very liberating! ❤

        Like

  25. Wow! So many comments to scroll past to get to you! It is wonderful that you are preparing so well for a truly wonderful marriage. My hope for you is that whoever you find, finds you so adorable that he wants children who look like you, and that you find your groom so adorable that you want children who look like him. God will provide the unique and perfect souls for your children as a special gift, and thewill be priceless. May God guide, protect and bless you always. 🌷

    Like

    1. Thank you so much Francis! 🙂 I really appreciate your encouraging words. I do believe that God will provide! 🙂 hugs xo

      Like

  26. If all else fails, try old Chinese custom. Do away with technology. We are all living spirits. Allow the spirits to guide you. We need to emphasize more on our intution that connects us all, rather than putting too much faith on technology.

    So, the old Chinese tradition says throw a mandarin orange into the river on 15th day of the Chinese new year. I believe this year is on the 19th Feb. ’19. This is only for singles looking for partners. You can use technology to find more about this fun event. Perhaps, you have a Chinese community nearby. Ask around if they are organising “Chap Goh Mei” festival (ie. 15th day in Hokkien dialect). If anything, it’s an experience. By the way, make sure that you choose a good looking mandarin orange before throwing into the river. All the best.

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  27. Modern communication, dating or otherwise, has become a crazy making experience. Either because of the games, specifically with dating; or the odd return to a nearly hieroglyphic vocabulary with the dang emojis. At least once a week I have to decide to ignore that I don’t know what – if anything – someone’s choice of emoji means. Oy. 🙄
    My emoji choice is obvious, right?

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  29. Unfortunately most of these issues have been around even before the advent of mobile phones and texting. There was ghosting for example, we just didn’t have a term for it. In my day we talked about something called THE RULES.On the whole dating was just trial and error, much as it is now. I am watching the next generation go through all this at close proximity. Having one of each, I have been forced to look at some of my own dating practices more closely. I have witnessed the agonising waits for replies to texts. I admired my daughter who dealt with the issue of ghosting head on, got her answer, downed a couple of tubs of ice cream and moved on. From now on this will be my philosophy regarding issues with romance.
    A couple of tubs of ice cream and then move on.

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  31. Please allow me if you would to join the conversation regarding this topic. It may be hard for you to believe my friend, time to investigate in this very thing last week and this week. Pearson Here’s some thoughts the people that created Tinder Bumble and whatever else might have had good intentions in the beginning but the people using Bumble and Tinder our piece of garbage and here’s why because most girls post there body images more than their face that’s causing lust. Is a Christian we stay away from lust.

    So why would I investigate in this app world of dating culture? The reason is because my roommate is a male whore. I don’t get along with them very much and I really don’t like that you the choice of company he has I taste for the bring home every week I think it’s degrading to the human body and disrespectful to God in fact sex is a beautiful thing when it’s condone between a man and woman who are married in the united together. Understand that I said sex is a beautiful thing between a man and a woman who are married and United together. that is the only reason I man and woman should be United together and that’s the only reason they should become intimate together because their man and wife. Anybody else who practices is premarital sex is an idiot because when you do that you spit in the eyes of God. Now I can’t breathe the human race entirely I mean the enemy has created lust around every corner. I mean look at the culture we having pornography addictions. That is not the way a man should look at a woman. In the words of Tomi lahren my final thoughts are bumble Tinder and whatever else dating apps out there are dumb I’m stupid most are narcissistic. And any good Christian boy is no need for such garbage and trash because the human body should not be exploited to entice someone of the opposite sex if you’re Christian you’re going to dress right you’re going to act right and you’re going to walk the narrow road. Does it get hard to walk the narrow road? Absolutely but when Jesus walked the narrow road all the way up golgotha’s Hill he never stopped despite being spit upon whipped crowned with thorns so therefore as Christians should we give our lives for Christ no matter the cost to win the lost. My ideal perspective is you despise the sin but show kindness and love to The sinner. That’s why I like commenting on your posts even though I’m not Catholic you’re a very level-headed person and I’m happy to have you as a friend. Thank you for such a wonderful insight you have a wonderful day and you won’t see me on Bumble or Tinder but don’t worry I don’t need anything like that as the old gospel hymns dates I’d rather have Jesus than silver and gold I’d rather have Jesus than riches untold

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  32. You made a couple of right on points. Girls are fearful of coming on strong, boys are afraid of being rejected and their feelings hurt. However while that has been the case for a long time having freedom to get out there and choose for yourself who to hook up with is better than the male dominated systems throughout history that chose a suitable person to advance their career and family survival rather than a person to love. All this stuff being promoted through the media today in connection with boy meets girl is raising expectations that are least often fulfilled making us an even more dysfunctional society. Marriage has its ups and downs but if you go into it with a willingness to promote each other’s happiness and fulfillment it can be a mutually satisfying experience. Your parents have such a marriage. I’m old enough to have known Moses too. Fifty-four years of marriage make us survivors who can look back on many happy shared mutual experiences though we are very different. Whoever you eventually choose will have different personality traits and aims in life too. Encourage those and insist on equal treatment in return and it will work out just fine. 🙂 I wonder whether NY with it’s show biz appeal is a good place to find such a partner?

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    1. Thanks so much Ian. You bring up so much powerful food for thought here. Yeah, NY might not be the place to find what I’m looking for. Much to mull over. hugs xox

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  36. I just want to say DON’T GIVE UP. GOD WILL PROVIDE YOUR PRINCE. Continue being yourself and resonating God’s love around you. I know it’s hard. I’ve been there many times, but I’m not anymore. My prayer and blessing for you is:
    May you follow and listen God’s guidance everyday. May you be blessed beyond measures and every step you take may it be in Him. And may the Lord provide the prince for you.

    P.S. perhaps your your prince is searching for you. Give him some more time 🙂 He just doesn’t know the your exact location
    😀

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    1. Thanks so much E for your encouragement. You’re right – I need to just have patience and remember that it’s in God’s hands. Thank you for your beautiful prayer! Hugs and love xox

      Like

  37. A great post! Now I know what “ghosting” is! I watch these games being played out with my sons involved and I cringe. Nose to that phone screen, madly texting and then worrying that no instant reply came. Or worrying about how soon THEY should respond. I want to rip my hair out! I always have the same question: “Who is bringing what to the table?” Because without that, just go home. You can’t be all supply or all demand.

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  39. I’m in a happy healthy relationship now and engaged, so I don’t have to worry about this but I do understand. I was single for almost 2 years. However I learned from other people’s experiences that dating apps were awful. It was better to just do it the old fashion way and just get out there! Not like at a bar but like the bookstore or apple store or library or church. I met Jim on New Year’s Eve at my friends house. Neither one of us were looking. The right guy will find you beauty! Grown men that are into you do not play games! Only boys do that! Always remember that.

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    1. Oh that is so wonderful, Lane! I’m so happy for you that you’ve found love!!! yeah, i’m with you one that one: the old fashioned way the the way I want to go. And thanks for sharing your love story! It sounds like you and Jim are a great match! hugs xox

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  40. I recently experienced the end of a 3.5 year relationship. The last three months of which were her being busy with sick family, and me trying to be every imaginable shade of supportive I could be. Care packages, good morning and good night texts, not demanding any of her time. After New Years, I was effectively ghosted. I was in love with this woman, and according to her, she was in love with me–at some point she also wanted us to get married.

    Her reason for leaving was “I am broken”. And that was it. Being broken didn’t stop her from getting together with her other friends, or making vacation plans with other people. No, it just gave her a good excuse to cut me out of her life.

    I wonder when she will start dating other people. She prides herself on being a good Christian (though I wonder how good that do-unto-others is considering how she treated me), and so when she enters the dating pool, I wonder how long it will take for the charm to wear off. As for dating, I am done. I am 43 years old. I’m in good health, I have an amazing 8 year old son at home (who loved the heck out of her too), and I have a lot to offer.

    I have a lot of female friends, and I see how they just scramble, sleep around, and then wonder why their guys never call them back. I don’t have a lot of hope for finding relationship after this, and that makes me sad. Sorry to share so much, but I have worn out my welcome with my friends when I talk about this. Maybe I just needed to put this out there with a thin veil of anonymity, because I am in pain, and this BS of dating these days would be like putting gasoline on a fire. I don’t want it, and I don’t care for it.

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    1. Oh gosh, Clinton, I am so sorry to hear that. That is just so heartbreaking. I appreciate you sharing your story and your heart. hang in there. hugs x

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  41. I have all but given up hope on this whole “dating” thing. I was just in a relationship that I thought was going to be it for me. “The One”, my “Happily Ever After” or whatever you want to call it. Turns out, I was wrong. It was a nightmare in a very poorly written soap opera. I have decided that the next relationship I get in is going to have to fall in my lap. I am not actively seeking or searching it out. I am going to keep doing me and becoming a better father and person. When I get everything in order, if it happens it happens. I have been a part of almost every one of these scenarios you mentioned. Glad to know I am not the only person that sees this. Much Love, XOXO
    -Paul2daB

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    1. Hey again friend! You’re on a reading roll! Oh gosh, I’m sorry to hear that. That hurts my heart to hear you were hurt like that. Hang in there. You deserve the best 🙂 hugs xo

      Like

      1. You do the same girl. We have someone out there just waiting on us. God has a perfect time in mind and he will show up for you and she will show up for me when God says we are ready! 🙂

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  42. Yes, dating games are so stupid! It can lead both to misunderstandings! It doesn’t usually work. The best thing to do is to be open of your feelings. If that other one is not interested atleast you will know it and you don’t need to waste your precious time to her/him anymore!

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  43. Hi thank you so much for liking my posts and being a regular visitor to my site. 🙂
    YOU ARE SPECIAL AND BOLD. CONTINUE TO HELP PEOPLE.
    Just as i would give advice to my daughters, don’t rush into making any decision about finding your better half. Find one who is Godly, not just when he is with you in public, but when he is with you, and not with you in private.

    Blessings.

    Like

  44. Simply vanishing! Over and over, the “simply vanishing” conundrum. Did you ever consider the theology of the simply vanishing, with all the leavings in great stories before the come-back?

    National Day of Unplugging is on March 1-2, 2019. Did you ever consider taking the pledge to unplug from technology?

    Like

    1. It really is so frustrating and annoying. Oh gosh, that’s the first I’ve heard about that day! sounds intriguing! hugs xo

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  45. Very good post as always, yes its a very bad situation.

    There is alot i could say but it would just be saying what you have said. The mad thing is imagine everyone thought the same way?

    Thats the one that gets me.

    Have we all become addicted to something that we all know deep down is bad for us but many dont have the confidence to come out and say it like yourself?

    I do think its got to the point that you need to pick where you decide to spend your time. Going to see bands and comedy acts for example where you at least have something in common with the people attending.

    As you have said there are plenty of cool people out there, its finding them. Your definitely not going to find your prince on Tinder…lol

    Enjoy your week.

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  46. I couldn’t agree more! Tinder, Instagram, and the like are not the “right” place to look for love and “the one”. My mother used to tell me that one of the ways to attract the man you’d like to be with for the rest of your life is to surrender it to God and make yourself the best version that He wants you to be.

    Sometimes, when you wait and no one comes, it seems that He is not listening at all. Little did we know, He is still authoring the best love story for you and your future lover/partner. I had to wait for five years for the love of my life. I’m glad I did. Because in waiting, God prepared me to become the best partner I could possibly be.

    Thank you so much for this thought provoking post! 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much Tina for your kind words. And wow – that’s such great advice! Your mom was really onto something: surrendering and being the best version of yourself. love that so much. thank you for sharing your story!!! hugs xo

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  47. Five years ago, I met my boyfriend through an online dating website and after exchanging 2-3 messages back and forth, he gave me his phone number and said he’d prefer to talk on the phone. At the time it was jarring, but he later explained that he viewed OkCupid as a tool…a place were people who are looking for love congregate. But, it’s so much easier to have meaningful conversations if you step out of that congested space and talk one-on-one, it’s so much more meaningful (and I’d argue easier). I’ve (thankfully!) never been on Tinder or any dating app, but that advice I would give to people are, is to use them as tools to meet people…and then get old-fashioned and talk on the phone or meet in person. Secondly, life is short, so don’t waste time on people who play games and can’t bother to respond promptly. Hold out for the person who enjoys your company so, so much that they can’t help but respond the second their phone pings. I know they’re few any far between, but there are good men out there, and your Prince Charming is out there becoming a better man as he looks for you. ❤

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your love story!! It’s so beautiful and gives me great hope 🙂 and that’s such great advice. I appreciate you sharing it with me 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  48. Thank you! Thank you! I understand exactly where you are coming from with this and I agree that dating apps have changed the way we should socialize. I think that if dating apps never happened we would be much better off in any relationship.
    There are so many single people who are brought down by these things because it makes them feel desperate and thinking there is no hope. We really need to change things around. Single people can make a difference and they don’t need someone in their lives as they grow closer to God.
    Thank you for such an inspiring message!

    Like

    1. Thank you friend! Oh my gosh I am so with you! I wish we could go back to the pre-app days!! Hugs and love xox

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  49. Wow this was a great read! Props to you for putting yourself out there and trying to cut through the game players to find your prince. I’ve been in a relationship for awhile now, but I can definitely say that some of these standards apply to friendships too. Once you’re out of college and trying to make new friends, people still experience cliques, FOMO and the issue of seeming too eager. It’s ridiculous and we all should just be honest.

    On a lighter note: thanks for liking my latest book review “Language Saves Lives” about the Turkish novel “Last Train to Istanbul”. I’d appreciate hearing tips from an experienced blogger about my blog! Yours is miles above mine and you’re clearly making money, while mine is just a casual outlet for my reading & writing hobby.

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  50. I’m so glad I’m older than dirt, married now, and never had to experience meeting guys in the internet age. Way back when I was young and beautiful like you are now, they had to actually catch us at home to reach us. There were no cell phones hanging out in our purse waiting to ring. There was a wall mounted phone in the kitchen with a very long cord that you could drag all over the house and drive your parents nuts with. Young men found it a lot more challenging then. Sometimes less is more. Tell them you are taking a sabbatical from technology, going ‘off the grid’, so to speak. When they realize it won’t be that easy to reach you it might motivate them a little.

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    1. I wish it was still like that! Less is more – I like that. Thanks friend for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

      Like

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