Hello friends and happy Thursday!
I cannot BELIEVE that another week has come and gone! What’s the craziest thing is that I’m already 19 WEEKS pregnant! Next week I’ll be halfway through my pregnancy! Can you believe it?!
But what’s even wilder…is that next week WE FIND OUT OUR BABY’S GENDER!!!
Oh my gosh, I am just so excited. Steven and I both think it’s going to be a boy. Several of my friends, as well as my 4 year old nephew think it’s going to be a girl! But we’ll find out next Thursday!
I think it’s really special that we’re finding out on LEAP DAY! How fun is that!?
So first things first, I made a YouTube video sharing my experience with Covid while being pregnant – what I learned, and some helpful things.
So yeah, thank you for watching — and for subscribing! That support really helps me as I’m trying to grow my channel on YouTube!
So – now for some new things this week: for the first time all pregnancy, really, I had some really emotional episodes.
And instead of bottling them up inside like I usually do, I thought I would just process on here, since this space is a beautiful area to be vulnerable and share, since many times, it turns out I’m not the only one feeling this way.
Anyway – I was really emotional just feeling like I’m floundering — like I’m lacking a purpose. Which, I know is not exactly what comes to mind when you think about a pregnant woman. Because clearly, my growing belly is evidence: I definitely have a purpose right now.
But real talk: being pregnant and an actor means you have an incredibly fruitless season. Unless you’re Kerry Washington – playing the lead character (Olivia Pope) on a hit TV show (Scandal) and they hide your baby bump with big jackets and oversized handbags….you simply don’t book anything.
Unless it’s a pregnancy-specific casting, you’re just not going to book any work. And let’s face it: pregnancy-specific casting has all but gone by the wayside since the birthrate is so pathetically low in the US, and people just aren’t having babies anymore. (In fact, I read that diaper companies are in serious trouble as their sales have had an unprecedented decline.)
But that’s neither here nor there. Suffice it to say, the phone has stopped ringing from my agent.
And so, to be honest, I feel like I’m failing as a wife.
My husband, of course, could not be more affirming and amazing, reminding me that I’m growing our child and that is my job right now. And he reminds me of everything I do to keep our household running so that he can do his job to the best of his ability.
He has never once said anything to make me feel this way — it is all my own brain thinking my own belittling thoughts.
But it’s been really weighing heavily on my heart. Losing sleep. Coloring my self worth and self esteem. Frankly, I’ve been waging an inner war between my ears. And one evening this week, I just broke down in tears.
I was talking with one of my best friends and life-long mentors about this last night, and she reminded me that right now, I am right where God wants me. I am in the center of His will: taking care of myself so that my body can grow a strong and healthy baby that Steven and I created.
She reminded me that that is my job right now, and to just embrace it fully. This is one of the very few times in my life — and probably the last — where my focus is on myself: my health, my marriage, my needs for baby’s development (rest, nourishment, hydration, movement), my trust in Jesus through this pregnancy, etc.
And she’s absolutely right.
That doesn’t make it any easier, when I check my inbox and there are no audition notifications. But I need to just embrace my role as a wife and mother right now.
That, and I’ve also been looking at other remote work that I can do in this interim while I’m not booking acting jobs.
So anyway: Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Have you ever had a season like that where you felt a bit like you were floundering?
Have a great evening, friends. I’ve gotta go downstairs now and make dinner for Steven and I — tacos 🙂
Until Monday!
xoxo Caralyn
BeautyBeyondBones 
I am so glad that you have a wonderful friend that tells you what she sees, and she is exactly correct, Caralyn! You are no where near being a failure, you are growing a child for God. You are an awesome woman! Be well, you two. 🙏🏻✝️❤️
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Hi Caralyn! Just remember that your identity is not in auditions or even being a wife and mother. You are a beloved Daughter of the King– that will never change. I encourage you to rest in that. Blessings! Annalee
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Oh my goodness, your post brought back memories of my experience as a new mom. I went from 15 years in the frenzied corporate world to suddenly being at home, holding a baby, and saying, “Now what do I do?” I distinctly remember changing my baby’s diaper and thinking, “I’m playing house!” It’s a bit disconcerting at first. But if you find yourself missing those “good old days,” just take a deep breath…what you’re about to do as a mom is way more important than whatever career you’ve hade to put on hold. Annalee is right. Your identity is not in your job. You are graduating to the most important career in the world. You’ll have plenty of time later in life to adjust your career wishes. After being a business writer/copywriter for decades, I’m an empty-nester writing novels now and loving it! Blessings to you in this grand, maddening, rollercoaster, comforting adventure called parenthood! Jesus Christ will walk with you every step of the way!
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You are absolutely correct that your focus right now should 100 percent be on your pregnancy and marriage. I truly believe the enemy is whispering in your ear trying to distract you from these precious blessings in your life, wanting you to focus on worldly things instead of these God-given gifts. Firmly state ‘get behind me, satan’, set your sights on the job God has blessed you with, and let the calm and peace that only God can provide envelope you and protect you.
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Carolyn, what you’re experiencing is SO Normal!! Not alone, girl. At some point during all my pregnancies I’ve felt like a balloon with legs that just waddles around but has no true purpose. I’ve cried, too… Hormones and all the changes… Just know it’s very normal and you’re certainly not alone in feeling that way. ♥️ Honestly, I think you’re doing amazing. Have you felt your baby move yet? That’s something that helped me, was to focus on the really positive parts of pregnancy. I just loved feeling baby move. 🥰 And your anatomy scan is coming up! That is so so exciting! So happy for you guys!
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Oh sweetheart, you are definitely NOT failing. You are experiencing the “roller coaster ride of life”. It is important to remember that God is sharing the Gift of Life with you and Steven. I often remind people that during one’s lows to hold tight to your “Happy Thoughts “: moments in life that bring joy, happiness, and even a smile to you. Actually, you have it all; the F’s as I like to refer to them. Faith, Family, & Friends. Hugs and Love! 🫂 & ❤️!
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You are going through an amazing life change, and it will redefine you as a person. There are so many emotions that come with it, and they all resolve at different times. I had 4 relatively easy pregnancies in my 20s. 12 years later when I was having my youngest, I felt like I was failing because of all the differences and complications that came with. I had to sit down and decide what my most important end goal was, “a happy, healthy and strong tiny human.” That became our mantra. I said it when I went for a 3 mile walk when I’d have rather stayed in bed, but I needed to be strong enough to heal from a plannned c-section.
Let yourself mourn your past life, even the parts that are only changing temporarily, and try to focus on your end goals. Blessings to you and your little family. 💕💕💕💕
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Ah, pregnancy 🙂 I am always an emotional roller coaster when pregnant, it just comes with the territory. Extra hormones, extra emotions, not to mention, you are growing an entire little human inside of your body. Everything is in overdrive. Every time I am pregnant (we have nine children), I feel like I’m not doing enough, I’m making other people pick up my slack, etc. etc. Never once has ANYONE else made me feel like this, I feel this way because I feel like I’m not doing enough. You are growing an entire human person. You have been gifted a miracle and humongous blessing from God, your focus should be on you, your marriage, and growing your baby. And of course the evil one is going to use that against you. Anything he can do to make you question, doubt, etc. he will try and worm his way in no matter who we are, what stage of life we are at, or how strong our faith in our God is. It doesn’t matter, he will continue to try. So feel those emotions, understand that things are changing and all of life is a continuous series of seasons. God will strengthen and sustain you as He always has and He will guide you to exactly where He wants you to be at this stage in your life. Being a parent changes your life, it’s a hard season sometimes, but it also comes with SO much joy. I am so happy for you and your husband that you are getting to experience the wonderfulness (and craziness!) of parenthood! God Bless! (And FYI, my pregnancies are “typical” ie I get morning sickness, exhaustion, etc etc, no walk in the park! But completely worth it every single time! You will be a wonderful mom, you got this!)
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Thank you for sharing. I’ve had similar emotional episodes during my pregnancy, once completely going to pieces during confession. I’ve actually been battling the opposite feeling for a while. I’m still a full time engineer in a steel mill and with pregnancy, I’ve just been too tired at times to keep up with the chores and things around the house. My husband has definitely picked up the slack but it still bothers me that I can’t even keep a nice and tidy home at the moment. This, coupled with feelings of homesickness for our family on my side who live three states away has definitely hit harder than I feel it normally would. I’m constantly terrified that our baby girl won’t have a relationship with her grandparents or her aunt and uncle on my side because we live so far away. I think new worries and cares simply come with the new mommy territory but no matter what happens, everyone assures me that you figure it out. As you mention in your post, it’s an amazing blessing to have a supportive husband there through it all. God bless!
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It would be easier for me to tell about the times when I wasn’t floundering. I don’t think I remember any… Thanks for sharing.
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I so appreciate your vulnerability, and you’re right–you are not alone!
When I was single, I worked full time and lived alone. But when I got married, my husband’s when took us to another country where it’s difficult for me to work. And soon after, I got pregnant with our first child. I’m truly privileged to be a stay at home wife and mother, but it’s so hard to have my purpose shift so drastically. Especially with the messaging of mainstream American media and culture about womanhood. As someone else has said, it’s ok for us to mourn the women we were and the life we had BC (before children). In all seasons of life, it’s ok to grieve the change, even while we’re simultaneously overjoyed and celebrating the change.
Parenthood is a sacrifice, but the rewards are immeasurable! My son has started saying “mamamam” and I feel like my heart could explode. Motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’m so excited for you and your husband!
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It’s hard entering into mom mode, for sure, especially with the first pregnancy. Our modern society tells us that we have to work, work, work, and (and then share all of our achievements online, to prove to everyone else that we are not losers! This is SO NOT GOOD! You are doing just what you should be doing for the little one in your womb, and the best thing to do is unite your heart to the Blessed Mother. Ask her to bless this time of your baby’s continued development, and also hold you close as you travel through this hormonally challenging time. Picture your baby’s face, and imagine the joy of his or her birth. Hang in there mama, all of us moms have been through that trying time, and some us, like me, are now grandmas! Just take each day at a time, because when you look back on it, you see it like a Star Trek time warp. My life as a mom was the BEST, and now it’s all over. I truly wish I could revisit some of our best days, but of course, I can’t. However, I can say that I put my children first, and we are all still very close because of that. Mimi-hood is also a good season, so, like you, I’m learning to live in the moment with my grandkids now. God has bee so very good to me! Prayers coming your way for a continued healthy pregnancy, and a sweet and beautiful “birthday” for your baby!
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A mother’s job is looked down in our culture, but a devoted mother as the power to change the world, just by being WITH her children and day in and day out teaching them who God is and what His word means through conversation and example. It is one of the most important jobs created, and the enemy knows it. Pregnancy is so short, but motherhood is forever. Hugs.
“The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.” ~William Ross Wallace
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Here is your extra MOM affirming your job right now: Be God’s girl and take care of God’s baby (and hubby too!). REMEMBER: Life is all about seasons. I remember struggling with this after growing up in the “women should do it all” generation. I had to learn to let go for seasons – job – theater – writing – to FOCUS on what God had placed right there in front of me. THEN – incredible opportunities followed. YOU are already inspiring and communicating AND guarding your mind, body, heart and baby – BRAVO ! That’s a LOT! So REST and know you are precious and talented and loved and purposeful and a sparkling instrument to reflect God’s glory in all seasons of life ! HERE WE GO! Adventure awaits ! ❤️ Laurie
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There are hormonal changes going on now and COVID on top of that. Hang in there. That beautiful baby will make everything worthwhile. God bless.
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I saw this prayer today and immediately thought of you. 🙏
‘Today, I pray God empties your mind of all anxiety and stress, and fills it with peace and calm assurance’.
You got this, little mama. 🤰🕊
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I just wanted to offer you some reassurance. First, your feelings are valid. I mean, we are living in a time where many companies will pay for their employees to travel to another state to kill their baby, but maternity leave is well behind other countries. But, and this is a huge but, you were created for a bigger purpose, and THIS, the raising of this child is definitely one of those bigger purposes. I never thought I’d leave my professional job to be a stay at home mom until we had two kids and I felt constantly torn between work and my kids and family. Women who prioritize family get passed up for opportunities. I decided to quit and spend my resources where I literally was and am irreplaceable. It’s been 7 years of being a SAHM, and I would do it over again in a heartbeat! My youngest is supposed to start school full time in the fall and I’m just trying to soak up this precious time with him. Time you NEVER get back.
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I’m so sorry you got Covid. I hope you get better soon. I love watching your Youtube videos. I hope you grow your channel quickly. Any tips? I’ve been trying to grow mine.
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