Motherhood: the Art of Emptying

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Well it’s 8pm on Monday and I just put Penelope down to sleep. I’m lying next to her bedside bassinet, and I’m looking at my beautiful 6 month old little girl, seeing how she’s almost outgrown her little bed.

It’s a tinge of sadness, I must say, thinking about having to transition her to her crib. I’ll no longer hear those little sighs at night, or hear her little lips smack, or wake up to her pressing her entire face and body against the mesh side of the bassinet, trying to get as close as possible to me.

It’s one of those not-talked-about moments of letting go in motherhood that is actually quite sad. It’s the “ying” to the “yang” of sweetness in welcoming all the new attributes of the coming stage – the babbling, crawling, giggly interactions.

Give-and-takes that we’ve become well aquatined with this week, as Penny also “graduated” out of her stroller bassinet to an upright stroller seat, as well as sitting in her high chair for the first time ever.

As they say, you never know when you’ll pick up your child for the last time…

Motherhood has been a dream. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am in the exact center of God’s will for my life. And that is a beautiful feeling.

Yes, I am exhausted. Yes, I feel out of touch socially, as we’ve been in the strict bubble of an exclusively breastfed baby. And yes, I have mountains of laundry that need to be folded, BUT there is an underlying joy to all of it that makes it not only bearable, but downright blissful.

One of the things I was not ready for when it came to motherhood was how sanctifying it would be. That’s a big “churchy” word, but I love the definition, and I think you’ll see why: Sanctification is to be emptied out of anything that impairs against being a useful vessel for God’s glory.

How beautiful is that.

But when it comes to being Penelope’s mom, I have always thought of it as: she is not mine, but rather she is God’s. And she has been entrusted to Steven and I by God to love and care for in this world. She is a gift, hand selected by God for us to love and raise. God knew that we would be what she needed, and that she would be exactly what we needed.

And right now, in her infancy, we are all this little girl has. Every time she cries out in the middle of the night, it is for our comfort. Every time she cries for hunger, it is for my milk. Every times she’s hurt, or restless, or soiled – we are who is she is calling out for. We are all she has right now. She is dependent on us.

And when I think that Jesus chose me to be the one she needed, and that He wanted me to be the one to calm and sustain her…it is so incredibly humbling.

So much so that it makes me want to do my very best for her. To do everything I can to be the best mom I can be, no matter what.

It’s sanctifying work. I’m emptying myself to be better for her.

Whether we’re talking sleep deprivation, or sacrificing my body so I can keep up my milk supply, or not using certain skincare ingredients that are not breastfeeding safe, or altering my workouts or social engagements around her schedule – these are all little “sacrifices” that I don’t even think twice about. My love for her makes these choices “no brainers.”

I was visiting with my mom earlier today, and we were having a conversation about my wardrobe, she was complimenting me on a new pair of jeans – which I got because I am a bigger size than I was before being pregnant.

And I self-deprecatingly laughed and said, “Thanks, they’re big.” And I shared that, sure…if I wanted to go on some crash diet I *could* get those final five pounds off and get back to a more slender version of me, but to do that would dry up my milk supply AND throw off my periods, when we’re going to start trying for baby number two imminently! I just said, “This is not my season to be slender. This is my season to be a breastfeeding mother who is preparing her body for — God-willing — another healthy pregnancy.”

And I know, being slender is certainly not the first thing that comes to mind when thinking of sanctification…but emptying my desire for a more aesthetically particular version of my body and surrendering the reality of producing milk and maintaining fertility is an aspect of it that, I feel a little shallow admitting, but is a reality for postpartum mothers.

He’s really stripping away all the things that could sometimes get in the way of putting God in the front and center of my life: busyness, strict schedules, or strict control over various aspects of life, body image, etc….I’ve been emptied out of all of those things.

But the beautiful thing is that God somehow fills that emptying with the deepest joy I’ve ever known.

Joy in the love for my husband, for our daughter, and for the blessings God has allowed us. And even in those middle of the night wake ups…there is even joy to be found there.

Because this is where God wants me to be right now.

Anywho – there’s so much more I have on my heart to say, but I’ll button it here for tonight.

What were the first six months of parenting like for you? Have you walked through anu sanctifying seasons?

God bless you, friends. Talk soon xox

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

22 thoughts on “Motherhood: the Art of Emptying”

  2. First of all, Penny is totally adorable! Bless you for these powerful words that all mothers, especially first time moms, should read. It took me awhile to quit trying to maintain my pre-mom life as far as keeping our house just right and accomplishing everything I did before our baby came. I love how you describe it as a sanctifying process. And now we still have our special-needs son with us and I continue to live that sanctifying life that God has ordained for me. Thank you for such encouragement, Carolyn.

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  3. I am having trouble commenting, hope this one posts, it’s so good to see you guys again! Penny is so beautiful! I was thinking of you guys a day or two ago, be well!

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  4. This is beautiful. Good to hear from you again.

    I saw on Instagram that you had a new post; I’ve pretty much given up on checking other blogs these days. And I’ve almost given up on writing too, although I did post a new episode this week, finally… 😦

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  5. A beautiful post. And how wonderful, given where your blog started, that you can so casually say “yeah . . . those 5 pounds are not coming off right now”.

    Parenthood really does change your whole outlook about the meaning of your life.

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  10. I’m so happy for you! Penelope is such a beautiful girl, like a doll! And motherhood looks so good on you. It’s so true that surrendering our bodies for pregnancy/breastfeeding is so difficult. Especially when you have been in recovery like we have. I definitely gained weight since my first pregnancy and nursing. Now that I’m pregnant again, I’ve found myself surrending all over again too! Our bodies are so beautiful expanding to create and sustain life as God ordained us to. It’s a privilege not all women get, so I am grateful.

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  11. I check in every now and again to see how you are going. We grow into motherhood in my experience. It is good that you are keeping track of everything. I like to go back and reread my posts. I wrote about my struggles to reclaim my life after nearly dying following the birth of my daughter.
    A second child is another massive change.
    The world is in my opinion heading in the wrong direction right now. Anti-semitism is exploding. My kibbutz suffered one of the worst assaults on October 7. I am glad that I grew up when I did. I sometimes feel sad for my youngsters.
    The world seems to be exploding with violence. Your political posts almost invariably irritate me but I miss them. It has been nice to see Israel getting some support and people being prepared to speak up for Israel at long last. I was myself totally naive. I had thought the bad old days of Middle East conflict were behind us. Penny will be growing up in a very different world. I have recently been impressed with the steadfast support Nikki Hayley in particular has shown for Israel. I liked that she spoke up when almost everyone else was still too afraid to and she has never wavered. That to me is true leadership. I profoundly admired her. Students will be Students. They are often agents for change. I find myself on the opposite side of the Israel debate from most youngsters but they don’t realise we have seen this so many times before.
    The sad photos of children staring through the Gaza fence just make me angry. I have been seeing the same manipulative images for forty years now. I find I actually agree with your president about clearing Gaza after all that has happened. It is time for something new.

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    1. I have been looking at your post The Mueller Responsibility and wondered whether you had considered updating it.i like to read back through my stuff and decide which ones were ridiculous or outdated. Many are just brain facts from my PTSD Brain while I have been trying to find it again.

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  12. Hello there yes there was a time In my life when my son was a baby, toddler, and elementary, and most of middle school. I started getting a smidge of myself back when he was in 7 or 8th and now he’s in High school and I’m not following him around like I was, and I get out with my husband and friends for a bit! I think you motherhood looks wonderful on you, it even sounds good on you!!

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  17. Oh…my…goodness! When I finally regained access to the Confessions site, I was hoping to come across some of my old friends from years ago. I’d been looking through a few pages and have had no luck, until I came here! It’s so good to see that you’re still writing and that you have a beautiful family!! Praise the Lord.

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  18. It’s been a while since I’ve been on here to see your posts/articles. Motherhood looks beautiful on you! Yes, there are many things that no one seems to prepare you for, however, with a lot of prayer — God helps the parents to adjust! I’m in my 60’s and I still can remember those early months/years with my 3 sons. Everything is new to you and to your child. It’s like you’re reading a book, and each day is a new page. God bless you as you experience all of it.

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