Have you ever had one of those moments of clarity where you actually see things the way the are, or rather, the way they could have been?
Well I had one of those moments tonight.
This evening, I had to say goodbye to a good guy friend in the city who is moving out of state for another job. And when I say a good guy friend, I mean, we went out on a couple dates.
I mean, this guy had the entire package: he’s handsome, funny, kind as can be, smart, and a good Catholic boy. And he liked me. He really liked me and wanted to be in a serious relationship.
But after those couple dates, I ended things. I told him that I wasn’t at a point in my life where I was looking for a boyfriend: my career was too central in my life to be able to devote the time he would deserve as a boyfriend.
And it sucked. Because I knew that he had it all. #RealTalk he was definitely boyfriend material. Hell, he was husband material!
But here’s the thing that I realized this evening: As I was walking home tonight, after having actually cried during our goodbye, I realized why I resisted being in a relationship with him: it wasn’t that I was too busy. It wasn’t that I wanted to focus on my career. It wasn’t that I was “enjoying the single life” in NYC. No. Those are such cop outs. Such bullshit that I’ve trained myself to believe and pass off as truth to others.
The fact of the matter is that I pushed him away because I couldn’t accept the love that he was trying to give me. I didn’t love myself enough to allow someone else to love me.
I wouldn’t let myself be loved by this amazing guy because I felt like I didn’t deserve it. There’s that damn bastard, ED, popping up in other places of my life, spreading his Lies and impacting other parts of my life!
And I was really sad when I was walking home. I was actually crying. It was like a scene out of a freaking movie. I was walking along the streets of NYC at night while the street musicians played jazz music on a saxophone, and I was just crying like a baby. Because I realized that I had missed, quite possibly, the love of my life, all because I was listening to ED’s lies. I missed out on a great relationship, all because I didn’t allow myself to receive the love that this great guy wanted to give me. And now he’s moving away. Has a girlfriend. And will not be the guy for me.
So why am I saying this?
It’s not to whine. It’s not to say, “Oh, woah is me. Wah, wah, wah.” No, that’s not it at all.
Tonight was a wake up call.
Tonight was a moment of clarity for me where I was seeing things for how they actually were.
Walking home, (after my good cry), I got angry. I got angry at ED that he added another item to the long list of things that he STOLE from me. He made me miss out on what could have been an incredible relationship, all because he made me believe that I wasn’t worthy of receiving love. My brokenness caused me to push away a great guy that just wanted to love me.
And so it empowered me. Just like Jesus uses our pain to empower us, I used this wake up call to empower me. I don’t want to look back in five years and be in tears again because I pushed away relationships and pushed away people who only want to love me. I don’t want to look back and think, “Wow, he could have been The One if I had only allowed myself to receive his love and care.”
I’m done. I’m done with barricading my heart. I’m done making excuses for why I can’t date. Because, dammit, I deserve to be loved. I have a beautiful heart that deserves, not only to accept love, but to give love as well.
I invite you to do the same. Get angry that ED has caused you to put a barrier between you and people that love you.
The feeling I had tonight, where I was looking back to a year ago when I told this guy that I didn’t want to be in a relationship, was one of the worst feelings ever. When I realized the true reason why I pushed him away — not because of schedules or careers, but because of my inability to receive love — it was like the wind was knocked out of me. I missed out because of ED. I missed out because I believed his Lies.
Could this guy have been The One for me? Maybe. But I doubt it. Because I have to trust that God is in control and has a plan for me. Had I had a relationship with this guy, I wouldn’t have been in the place I am now, and I wouldn’t have been truly able to love him or let him love me. And I would have missed out on our truly great friendship.
It’s never too late to change. So I invite you to make the change with me. I’m deciding right now — right this very minute — that I am done sabotaging my life by believing the Lie that I am not worthy of receiving love. Right now is where it all begins.
I’m changing my heart today.
And I invite you to do the same.
Jesus’ greatest commandment was “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Bam. Right there. He could have just said, ‘love your neighbor.’ That would have been sufficient. But He said, love other people in the same way that you love yourself.
Jesus wants us to love ourselves.
It’s not vein or conceited or self-obsessed to love yourself. It’s healthy. It’s good. It’s from God, Himself.
Therefore, I am going to love myself enough to let someone else love me.
As I said before, the greatest act of self-love is allowing another person to love me.
I didn’t let my guy friend love me. And I realized how sad that was tonight. I realized how truly tragic it was that I missed out on that relationship, all because I wouldn’t allow myself to receive love.
Not anymore. From now on, I am going to be open to love. I am going to love myself enough to let myself be loved. It’s what Jesus wanted.