Recovering from an eating disorder is tough stuff. It’s scary. Mentally, emotionally and physically painful. You have extreme mood swings. Crippling self-doubt and hatred. You have to resist urges to exercise, purge, self-harm, what-have-you. There’s a constant inner battle of whether or not you should really surrender your eating disorder. Not to mention all the food and planning and calorie counting and meal plans and doctors appointments and EKGs and blood work and insomnia.
But you already knew that.
It’s hard enough to recover when you have a loving, supporting, and encouraging environment with loved ones cheering you on every step of the way, like I did.
It’s a whole different ball game when your home life is…not so “rosy.” Where, for whatever reason, you don’t feel like you’ve got loved ones behind you, rooting for you, being helpful or encouraging. And, sadly, this is a reality for a lot of #EDWarriors out there.
This is for those girls, whose home life isn’t rainbows and butterflies.
When you think about “home,” usually people think about their childhood: their bedroom, the kitchen where you celebrated birthdays, playing outside with siblings, having your mom or dad tuck you in at night. Home is typically thought of in a fond and loving way.
Sometimes, though, that’s not the case. Sometimes, thinking about “home” brings up pain. Brings up feelings of hurt. Or anger. Or abandonment. Or disgust. Sometimes “home” seems more broken and desolate, rather than a place of comfort.
When things are bad, it’s hard to believe that there’s any good in the world. Well, this is what I’ve been dealt. This is what I’m worth. If there is a God, he sure does hate me, ’cause look at the life he’s given me.
Or maybe, we’ve been hurt. Abused. Abandoned. Shuffled from house to house. Maybe we’ve never actually felt like we truly have a loved one to our name? Or a person who cares about us. That we’ve just been lost in the system. Overlooked. Forgotten.
How could there actually be a God? A loving God wouldn’t put me through this.
I don’t know why horrible things happen. I just don’t. I don’t know why some people get dealt difficult hands in life. I don’t know why some people are born into loving families, while others are not. I don’t know why some people are born into financially stable homes, while others are born into poverty. I don’t know why people get cancer. Why parents leave their children. Why parents get divorced. Why children get abused. Why people get taken from us too early.
I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense.
I have my hypothesis about ED, but when it comes to family, I just don’t know.
But here’s what I do know:
You are not alone.
This might be really hard to believe, but there is a God who loves you. Who loves you so incredibly much. Who hears you crying. Who knows you’re scared. And discouraged. And who knows the fears and anxieties and doubts in your heart.
I don’t want to get “preachy.” So I’m going to keep this short.
#RealTalk: There’s a lot of shit in the world. Excuse my french. There’s a lot of really crappy situations out there.
But no matter what you find yourself in, know that God has never and will never abandon you. Maybe a loved one has. Maybe a loved one has hurt you. Your Father in Heaven is not like your earthly father. Your Father – God – loves you unconditionally. Meaning: there is nothing you can do to make Him love you more, and nothing you could ever do to make Him love you less. There are no strings attached. No stipulations. Just God. Loving you. No matter what.
And you are never alone, because He is with always you.
If you don’t have people supporting your recovery – If your home life is broken – If you feel as though it’s you against the world — know that you are always in God’s sight. He cares what happens to you. You matter to Him. And He wants you to be free from ED. And He will be that person “in your corner,” cheering for you every difficult step of the way, even if no one else is.
He wants to love you. You just have to let Him in.
11 responses to “For the Girls Whose Lives aren’t Rainbows and Butterflies”
Ah the mood swings. They are the worst. I was blessed with incredibly supportive parents and I cannot imagine recovering without them as a helpful system to turn to in times of need. I am sorry to think that you have been hurt by the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, but I am encouraged by your words of strength. Sending all my thoughts to you. <3
Hi Julia, thanks for your thoughtful words:) thankfully I too was blessed with a supportive environment to recover. Praise God. I just have seen so many stories of girls where that wasn’t the case. Fellow girls that were at inpatient with me, on Social media — it breaks my heart how much hurt there is in the world. So I just wanted to send some encouragement to those special warriors. But I just love your spirit and everything you’re doing over at LSLI xoxo stay strong love
This is so well written. I am so blessed to have a supportive family and a day doesn’t pass when I am not grateful for them. This post just reminds me of how hard it must be for someone without their family to fall back on – people out there who not only struggle with an ED but also major family problems. It saddens me so much. I truly hope they find comfort in your post and find support one way or another; whether it be through God or a friend.
Thank you. You’re so right. We can take these things for granted. Stay strong, love. Thanks for your encouragement and support. xoxo
Sending you good thoughts!!! I am in recovery too! But, from drug addiction. I have 4 years sober now. I still have bad days but I know they will pass. Just wanted to say hello and keep sharing your story……blessings Annette
Aw thank you so much Annette:) congrats on 4 years! That’s so awesome. Seriously. Though our battles may be different in form, they very much the same. I am cheering on your courage and commitment and strength and determination and will power and amazingness that you’ve shown! Sending so many hugs. 🙂 xoxox
xoxoxo….right back to you!!! Your friend Annette and Thanks!!!
What a beautiful reminder!
thanks 🙂 i appreciate you taking the time to read! big hugs xox
Love your blog, started with the post nr 1, very relatable as I have been struggeled many years with anorexia. There was a 10year period I was healthy, but had a relapse. I am happy that you are in the safe place and I hope it will be that way always. As I said, I love your blog and understand that you healed with the help of God, but for me, not to be rude, the Jesus thing in the end of every post is a bit confusing and „too much“ I would like to have more real talk and not to connect everything with Jesus. But as I said, that‘s my problem and I am happy that this helped you to overcome.