Recovering from an eating disorder is tough stuff. It’s scary. Mentally, emotionally and physically painful. You have extreme mood swings. Crippling self-doubt and hatred. You have to resist urges to exercise, purge, self-harm, what-have-you. There’s a constant inner battle of whether or not you should really surrender your eating disorder. Not to mention all the food and planning and calorie counting and meal plans and doctors appointments and EKGs and blood work and insomnia.
But you already knew that.
It’s hard enough to recover when you have a loving, supporting, and encouraging environment with loved ones cheering you on every step of the way, like I did.
It’s a whole different ball game when your home life is…not so “rosy.” Where, for whatever reason, you don’t feel like you’ve got loved ones behind you, rooting for you, being helpful or encouraging. And, sadly, this is a reality for a lot of #EDWarriors out there.
This is for those girls, whose home life isn’t rainbows and butterflies.
When you think about “home,” usually people think about their childhood: their bedroom, the kitchen where you celebrated birthdays, playing outside with siblings, having your mom or dad tuck you in at night. Home is typically thought of in a fond and loving way.
Sometimes, though, that’s not the case. Sometimes, thinking about “home” brings up pain. Brings up feelings of hurt. Or anger. Or abandonment. Or disgust. Sometimes “home” seems more broken and desolate, rather than a place of comfort.
When things are bad, it’s hard to believe that there’s any good in the world. Well, this is what I’ve been dealt. This is what I’m worth. If there is a God, he sure does hate me, ’cause look at the life he’s given me.
Or maybe, we’ve been hurt. Abused. Abandoned. Shuffled from house to house. Maybe we’ve never actually felt like we truly have a loved one to our name? Or a person who cares about us. That we’ve just been lost in the system. Overlooked. Forgotten.
How could there actually be a God? A loving God wouldn’t put me through this.
I don’t know why horrible things happen. I just don’t. I don’t know why some people get dealt difficult hands in life. I don’t know why some people are born into loving families, while others are not. I don’t know why some people are born into financially stable homes, while others are born into poverty. I don’t know why people get cancer. Why parents leave their children. Why parents get divorced. Why children get abused. Why people get taken from us too early.
I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense.
I have my hypothesis about ED, but when it comes to family, I just don’t know.
But here’s what I do know:
You are not alone.
This might be really hard to believe, but there is a God who loves you. Who loves you so incredibly much. Who hears you crying. Who knows you’re scared. And discouraged. And who knows the fears and anxieties and doubts in your heart.
I don’t want to get “preachy.” So I’m going to keep this short.
#RealTalk: There’s a lot of shit in the world. Excuse my french. There’s a lot of really crappy situations out there.
But no matter what you find yourself in, know that God has never and will never abandon you. Maybe a loved one has. Maybe a loved one has hurt you. Your Father in Heaven is not like your earthly father. Your Father – God – loves you unconditionally. Meaning: there is nothing you can do to make Him love you more, and nothing you could ever do to make Him love you less. There are no strings attached. No stipulations. Just God. Loving you. No matter what.
And you are never alone, because He is with always you.
If you don’t have people supporting your recovery – If your home life is broken – If you feel as though it’s you against the world — know that you are always in God’s sight. He cares what happens to you. You matter to Him. And He wants you to be free from ED. And He will be that person “in your corner,” cheering for you every difficult step of the way, even if no one else is.
He wants to love you. You just have to let Him in.