This post scares me.
I’m going to be more vulnerable on here than I have ever been before.
Let’s talk about…prayer.
I think a lot of people shy away from it because they feel that they don’t know how to do it. They don’t know what to say, how to start, how to prevent their mind from wandering.
I know I did.
And to be really honest, my prayer life is limping along, to put it positively. There are a myriad of reasons for that, but the point is, I am not some “prayer champ.” In fact, I hesitate to even talk about this, because I feel I have no authority to even put two words together on this topic, but, whatevs, it was put on my heart.
So here’s where the scary part comes in.
I’m going to openly pray. On here. Just to show you that you really don’t have to be some expert at praying.
The main reason that I struggle(d) with prayer was that I felt it had to be perfect. Perfectionism is something that haunts me, even now that my anorexia has “left the building.” And it manifests itself into many areas in my life, including prayer.
And I don’t think I’m alone in that.
So I wanted to just be an example of a “broken pray-er” – to basically show you that you don’t have to have your ducks in a row to pray.
So here goes nothing.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Here I am again. Your favorite repeat offender. Back again, having failed.
I come before You, broken and in need of You.
You know my heart. You know that I long to love You and follow You, but that I fall short all. the. time.
Lord, You know my struggles. You know the battles in my mind. You know my weaknesses and temptations. And I ask You to just be with me through it all. Give me the strength to persevere day by day and fight back against ED when he knocks at my door.
Lord, I am filled with such guilt. I feel shame, and that I don’t even deserve to be in Your presence.
And I’m listening to the rain against my window tonight, and I am reminded that Your grace is like rain: that it washes away all the horrible things that I’ve done and that I continue to do and do and do, even though I try so hard not to. And for those things, I ask forgiveness.
I am reminded that, like rain, You’ve washed me clean from those things. And that, like a flood, Your love surges over me all the time. And I just ask that You please allow me to accept that love and embrace it.
Jesus, You know I am broken. You know what I need. You know how I long for love and for acceptance. I pray that you work on my heart and my spirit and fill me with Your love. Because that is what will truly heal me.
You do not create mistakes. You created me for a purpose, and Lord, I pray that You help me find that. I so long to do Your will, but I am lost, unaware of what Your plan for my life is.
I pray for my family, Lord. I pray for my friends. That they may feel Your loving presence in their lives.
And I pray for all the people reading this, that they may also feel Your presence, and that their hearts may be moved to love You, and draw close to You.
I love you, Lord. Thank you for a second chance.
Prayer doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be all formal and drawn out. It is simple. A conversation. Think about how you’d talk to a friend. Because Jesus is listening, and He cares what you have to say. Even if it’s been forever since the last time you’ve prayed, or maybe you’ve never prayed at all. That’s okay. Jesus would just be thrilled that you’ve decided to “check in.” Because all He wants to do is love you.
That’s all for tonight. Goodnight, loves.