Resolution RealTalk

It’s hard to believe, but the Christmas season is officially behind us.

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Come this time tomorrow, we will be ringing in 2016.

2016.

I mean, jeezel petes. Where did time go?

Whether we like it or not, the time is upon us to set new years resolutions.

I think the number one resolution in America is to shed the holiday weight. Which, for obvious reasons, is NOT on my list.

Duh.

Nope, you won’t find this gal doing a juice fast anytime soon. #SorryNotSorry

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Another popular one is to get “in shape.” Which, is evident from the brawls over the treadmills at the gym come Jan 1.

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But I thought about it, and I wanted to share a post about New Years. After all, it is a “high profile” societal cleansing we all do. A collective fresh start.

And instead of being “preachy” about resolve to do this or don’t resolve to do that…Or some long winded reflection about the symbolic “clean slate” that is flipping the calendar over to another year (I mean come on, y’all are smart people) I thought I’d instead share with you my resolution.

When I think about the coming year, I’m filled with hope.

I know. How cheesy.

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But seriously, I truly am.

This past year, by the grace of God, I feel stronger in my recovery than I have ever felt before. Thanks to this blog, my family and I have had some wonderfully healing and honest conversations, making us grow even closer than before, if that’s even possible.

And I have made great strides in loving myself, both inside and out. I know that sounds so…conceited or pompous, or something, but knowing my history, you know how important and how difficult that has been. For the first time, really since my recovery from anorexia, I can say that I do feel beautiful. I look in the mirror and see a daughter of God, that yes, is beautiful.

I think one of the biggest ways I have demonstrated self-love is in my acceptance of love from my friends. By saying “yes” to any and all invitations, and allowing myself to truly receive their love.

But for as great as those advancements are, there is still one area of my heart that I have yet to open. A deep recess of my soul that is still staunchly barricaded and, quite frankly, has atrophied over the years.

I’m talking about the part of my heart that is reserved for my future husband. The part of my soul that I’ve buried away, shut off from even looking for love.

Because I still have yet to allow a man to love me.
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My friends and loved ones and God: that’s one thing. Don’t get me wrong, that was an incredible feat to overcome, allowing myself to receive their love again.

But from a man — a potential husband — that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.

Because here’s the thing: I know that a romantic relationship — a real romantic relationship — not one of those…”We’re texting” charades, but a real. grown-up. could-you-be-The-One. relationship comes with some pretty scary realities.

A true relationship requires both honesty and vulnerability. Openness and truth. Translation: I would have to share the fact that I battled anorexia with my boyfriend/bae/fiancé/future husband/__[insert slang term here]___.

 

But all kidding aside, that’s a huuuge thing for me. I have a very select few people in my current life that know about my past. I don’t like to talk about it. My anorexia robbed me of so many years, I do not want it to infiltrate my new life and taint the beautiful freedom of recovery.

And that anxiety I have about opening up to a man about that has made me just completely shut out the idea of dating entirely. Nope. Sorry. Unavailable. Thanks for the offer, but no. 

 

And I’m the master of excuses: Too busy. Too focused on my friends and my acting career. Too in love with the single life. Too in love with NYC’s nightlife. NYC guys suck. Online dating is lame. Guys are only after one thing. Don’t want to complicate my friend group with romance. — I’ve used every excuse in the book.

When the truth is: I’m not ready to allow a man to love me — all of me. The not-so-perfect parts of me. The broken parts of me.

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So this year, I am going to take a giant leap into the deep end, and just crack that door open a little bit:

Be open to love.

Be open to allowing a man -the right man- into my world. My wounded past. My world that I only share with you beautiful people and a select few “rock stars.”

Because the truth is, I am lovable. And the even bigger truth is that I have a lot of love to give. A whole hell of a lot.

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That’s what we were made for. That’s what makes us whole.

And I want to find that someone with whom I can give my heart to and know that it is safe in his hands, and who will love me still.



He is out there.

And starting today I am going to be open to meeting him, letting him in, and letting him love me…all of me.

Happy New Year, friends.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

129 thoughts on “Resolution RealTalk

  1. Feeling emotional reading this! That’s what I want for this new year. But you just put it in the exact words that I wanted ❤️❤️❤️. You are a beautiful soul

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    1. Oh my gosh, seriously Thank you for this. Your comments have just filled my heart with so much positivity and encouragement. I am so grateful. Glad you stopped by and that you’ve been enjoying my posts! Have a wonderful day! Hugs and love to you, friend!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. First, thanks for the belly laugh over the gym meme!

    Second, I scanned some comments on another post; one guy mentioned about the partial pics of you. You’re not ready to show all of you or your name yet. Personally, I think that’s fine. I kind of like calling you “Beauty,” because that’s who you are, a Beauty made by God, recalled from wastelands of ED (I’m following one other girl currently in recover, a2eternity. I address her as A2. Not nearly as catchy). THAT is you real name so far as I’m concerned.

    Don’t really know what you look like? I do. I see you in your writing. If I ever did meet you face to face, I’d recognize that glow, that smile anywhere.

    You future husband – who is out there – will know you too. You’ll be the one he’s been looking for too, the one he’s been saving his heart for. Will he reject you over ED? No. It may surprise him that Beauty has that past, but it won’t push him away. Just as you bring out the dad in me who wants to protect and comfort you, so you’ll bring out the man in him who wants to offer himself as your refuge, just as Christ offered Himself for His Bride.

    Don’t worry. Your hope is neither cheesy nor misplaced. It’s a budding flower, preparing to show its true colors. He’ll see them.

    Your friend, in Christ.

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    1. Wow, Jeffrey. This brought a tear to my eye. What beautiful and kind words! Oh my gosh, thank you. You’re a good friend. You know, it’s funny because I’ve been feeling more and more drawn to share who I “really” am. My mom sent a package yesterday and before I opened it o was like, ok…ill write about whatever it is. And I open it and it’s a book about blogging. So I go–ok whatever page I flip to I’ll write about (clearly I was having writers block haha) but the page I flipped to was literally titled “don’t be anonymous”! I wish I could attach a picture cuz I took a pic of the page cuz it was just too weird. I dunno-long story short, I do feel as though I will some day “introduce” myself, but I’m just waiting on Gods timing for that. Putting my name out there not only impacts me, but my family as well, so I just have to be mindful. Anyways this is getting long winded now hah- thank you for your kindness, again. Have a beautiful Saturday !

      Liked by 1 person

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