It’s hard to believe, but the Christmas season is officially behind us.
Come this time tomorrow, we will be ringing in 2016.
I mean, jeezel petes. Where did time go?
Whether we like it or not, the time is upon us to set new years resolutions.
Nope, you won’t find this gal doing a juice fast anytime soon. #SorryNotSorry
But I thought about it, and I wanted to share a post about New Years. After all, it is a “high profile” societal cleansing we all do. A collective fresh start.
And instead of being “preachy” about resolve to do this or don’t resolve to do that…Or some long winded reflection about the symbolic “clean slate” that is flipping the calendar over to another year (I mean come on, y’all are smart people) I thought I’d instead share with you my resolution.
When I think about the coming year, I’m filled with hope.
I know. How cheesy.
But seriously, I truly am.
This past year, by the grace of God, I feel stronger in my recovery than I have ever felt before. Thanks to this blog, my family and I have had some wonderfully healing and honest conversations, making us grow even closer than before, if that’s even possible.
And I have made great strides in loving myself, both inside and out. I know that sounds so…conceited or pompous, or something, but knowing my history, you know how important and how difficult that has been. For the first time, really since my recovery from anorexia, I can say that I do feel beautiful. I look in the mirror and see a daughter of God, that yes, is beautiful.
I think one of the biggest ways I have demonstrated self-love is in my acceptance of love from my friends. By saying “yes” to any and all invitations, and allowing myself to truly receive their love.
But for as great as those advancements are, there is still one area of my heart that I have yet to open. A deep recess of my soul that is still staunchly barricaded and, quite frankly, has atrophied over the years.
I’m talking about the part of my heart that is reserved for my future husband. The part of my soul that I’ve buried away, shut off from even looking for love.
Because I still have yet to allow a man to love me.
My friends and loved ones and God: that’s one thing. Don’t get me wrong, that was an incredible feat to overcome, allowing myself to receive their love again.
But from a man — a potential husband — that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.
Because here’s the thing: I know that a romantic relationship — a real romantic relationship — not one of those…”We’re texting” charades, but a real. grown-up. could-you-be-The-One. relationship comes with some pretty scary realities.
A true relationship requires both honesty and vulnerability. Openness and truth. Translation: I would have to share the fact that I battled anorexia with my boyfriend/bae/fiancé/future husband/__[insert slang term here]___.
But all kidding aside, that’s a huuuge thing for me. I have a very select few people in my current life that know about my past. I don’t like to talk about it. My anorexia robbed me of so many years, I do not want it to infiltrate my new life and taint the beautiful freedom of recovery.
And that anxiety I have about opening up to a man about that has made me just completely shut out the idea of dating entirely. Nope. Sorry. Unavailable. Thanks for the offer, but no.
And I’m the master of excuses: Too busy. Too focused on my friends and my acting career. Too in love with the single life. Too in love with NYC’s nightlife. NYC guys suck. Online dating is lame. Guys are only after one thing. Don’t want to complicate my friend group with romance. — I’ve used every excuse in the book.
When the truth is: I’m not ready to allow a man to love me — all of me. The not-so-perfect parts of me. The broken parts of me.
So this year, I am going to take a giant leap into the deep end, and just crack that door open a little bit:
Be open to love.
Be open to allowing
a man -the right man- into my world. My wounded past. My world that I only share with you beautiful people and a select few “rock stars.”
Because the truth is, I am lovable. And the even bigger truth is that I have a lot of love to give. A whole hell of a lot.
And I want to find that someone with whom I can give my heart to and know that it is safe in his hands, and who will love me still.
Happy New Year, friends.