Redefining Lent

Posted on by beautybeyondbones


Lent.

*sigh*

This is a rather bittersweet time of year for me personally. Because even though it is leading up to Easter and is such a beautiful and intentional season of reflection, it also brings up a lot of pain for me.

Because you see, Lent of sophomore year in high school, was when my anorexia first began.

I gave up sweets.

 

Innocent enough. No desserts or sweets for 40 days. I was being a good little Catholic girl — “challenging” myself during this season of lenten fasting and penance.

But what started as that small denial, quickly spiraled into a lifestyle of extreme restriction, and the next thing I know, I had wasted away to 78 pounds, knocking on death’s door as a shell of my former existence – physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, and spiritually.

So yeah, I look forward to Lent just about as much as I do a root canal.

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But as I was reflecting on all this the other day, I was struck with a powerful thought:

Lent is bigger than me.

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Lent is bigger and more important than Little Ol’ Me going boo-hoo, it makes me feel bad about my past. 

You know what? Everybody has things that remind them of pain. Maybe it’s not an eating disorder, but everybody’s got something. Maybe a broken relationship, or the loss of a loved one or friend, a rejection by a peer, missing out on an opportunity, getting cut from the team, betrayal, bullying. Whatever it is, everybody has reminders of pain or trials in their life.

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And if there’s ever a time to “look beyond myself,” it’s Lent, for cryin’ out loud. This is a time when we reflect on the fact that Jesus made the decision to die on the Cross for us. For you. For me. For my sins. For my eating disorder.

So yes, maybe it’s a little sobering to think about my eating disorder every time Lent rolls around. But perhaps, instead of viewing it from a self-pity/victim stand point, what if I’m supposed to be reminded of that darkness, so that I can fully appreciate what my freedom truly cost? What if I’m supposed to remember, so that I can rejoice in His saving power in my life? Rejoice in the fact that I’m not trapped in that hell hole of anorexia anymore? Rejoice that I was rescued?

Maybe, just maybe, that timing is not by accident.

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So.

Lent.

You can bet your bottom dollar that I won’t be giving up sweets any time soon.

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And in fact, I won’t be doing any dietary fasting, period. It is detrimental to my recovery to fast, even for one day, even for religious reasons. I have vowed never to abuse my body and withhold nutrients from it ever again. I made that promise to Jesus and myself. And tbh, I think it gives Jesus more joy for me to eat and nourish myself for His glory, than to fast and flirt with the behaviors that nearly took my life nearly ten years ago today.

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I will instead fast from negative self talk. From thoughts and lies that erode my self worth. From comparing myself to others and setting the unattainable standard of perfection for my life/body/possessions. I will instead fill myself with His love for me. “Feast” on His words of truth and love. “Feast” on the joy that comes from His forgiveness and from His saving and healing hand in my life.

This is Lent.

It is no longer a reminder of the destruction that nearly took my life, but a reminder of my rescuing by a Savior who gave me new life.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

317 thoughts on “Redefining Lent”

  1. When I first read one of your posts about your struggle with eating, I felt like i was reading a foreign language. I only found your blog because, due to the mysterious nature of algorithms, you found one of my blog posts and liked it. I was curious about the name of your blog and wondered what could it possibly mean. I read your “Start here” and was utterly amazed. I don’t have an eating disorder and can’t think of anyone I know who has, although I’m sure some have but have not disclosed it. To let us look into the very personal nature of this huge challenge you have with food, and the pain it has caused to you and those around you who love you, allows others to gain strength through the exposure of your demons. It’s really beautiful and touches the innermost recesses of my heart. Today,using Lent in your sharing was masterful. The anniversary of the beginning of your eating disorder being tied to the season of preparation for the celebration of the Resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ is no accident. As he rose from the dead, it appears that you have done so as well. There ARE no accidents. God’s grace comes to us in many ways, and for you to find it in something that was trying to kill you is a blessing for you and for anyone who reads your words and hears your story.

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    1. Hi Matthew. Wow. Thank you for such a powerful and thoughtful reflection. Your words have touched my heart this morning. So thank you. You’re right. There are no accidents. God is always working behind the scene and He definitely has used my past to illuminate his saving power and merciful love and forgiveness. Thanks for stopping by and sharing this wisdom and perspective. I look forward to reading more from you! God bless you my friend xox

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  2. I encourage you to try taking something new on as a Lenten challenge as well. Our savior took on SO MUCH during those 40 days, so you can look at it that way as well! You could try to eat one sweet every day to spite your old Ed voice. You could say one positive body thought to yourself every day. Or even just spent those 40 days in intense prayer. Lent is such an incredible season – for He is coming, as he promised, and you can use that time to prepare however you’d like!

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  5. Beautifully said “sweet ” sister-pun intended to celebrate God’s power being made perfect in your weakness:) I too battled that stinkin thinkin monster for many years and Christ set me free, free indeed! I always pray to stay wise and be privy to the schemers schemes! The Screw Tape letters was a brilliant exposure to the tricks of the enemy! I have a scar on my arm I used to hide but now I celebrate because it reminds me of HIS EXTRAVAGANT GRACE AND HEALING instead of the darkness that held me ransom for so long! I posted a blog post a few years ago called “Redefining Hungover” and it was such a
    Joy to write! I love how God is still redeeming words, places, relationships, songs, etc… Made new and still making new! GoGod

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  7. I love your fast: “… from negative self talk. From thoughts and lies that erode my self worth. From comparing myself to others and setting the unattainable standard of perfection for my life/body/possessions.” Several years ago, when going through a separation, I fasted from my Ex-husband. This was so challenging because it was through such a painful heartbreak. I fasted him 40 days meaning I didn’t talk about it, I didn’t reach out, I didn’t read any emails or social media, look at photos, etc. Instead I leaned into prayer and that was all during the time I rebuilt my relationship with God. It was so healing!

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    1. Thank you so much for this reflection! Wow what a powerful fast that must have been for you. You’re right-when we lean into God and His overwhelming and merciful love for us, it is the most healing and comforting thing in the world. Thanks for reading! Hugs!

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  8. It is no longer a reminder of the destruction that nearly took my life, but a reminder of my rescuing by a Savior who gave me new life.
    I love that! I wasn’t raised in a catholic home, but I resonate with what you are saying there because it is so scriptural, right from our Heavenly Daddy. ❤

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    1. Thank you so much Em! Our Heavenly Daddy. I love that☺️ He really is and was the true source of my recovery. I don’t know where I’d be with our Heavenly Daddy and His overwhelming love and forgiveness and mercy and compassion. I mean gosh. It really is new life. And I know you know what I mean❤️❤️❤️❤️ love ya girl! Thanks for being such a great friend! Xoxoxoxo hugs to the moon

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  10. Thanks for sharing! If love to do something like that for lent too, since I was thinking about what to give up and what would be meaningful.

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  11. Thank you for sharing the evidence of God’s power in your life. This reminds of Paul’s words about “glorying in his infirmaties” because the power of God can “rest upon him.” I am completely in awe of how God uses the broken.

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  12. Amen and Amen! I really needed that reminder also that once again….and over and over in my life…God has rescued …just me..as I am..the way he made me…what I survived…Hallelujah…what I don’t have to revisit…I’m so grateful….baby steps but my mind is returning to….the future…not the past! Thank you for this…

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    1. Hi friend. I’m so glad this resonated with you tonight❤️ you speak the truth! God HAS rescued us…because we are so deeply loved and cherished as his children. Thanks for stopping by. Sending so much love and hugs to you!

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  14. Hi! I nominated you for the Blogger’s Recognition Award. Check out my latest post for your website recognition and rules. Praying your Lenten Journey is a blessing. I really LOVE your site.

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  18. You are a pride to be reckoned with. Pat yourself on the back because you deserve it. Not from bragging but being proud of how you are handling things. It’s what you believe in and what you do with it. Wishing you the best. God Bless.

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  22. It is amazing how God works through us. Things that often bring great pain later show truth and change. I loved when you said: “what if I’m supposed to be reminded of that darkness so that I can fully appreciate what my freedom truly cost?” In all pain and struggle, there is growth and grace and freedom. What a great perspective to take something that could have always been a heartbreaking anniversary to something beautiful.

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    1. Hi Kandace, thank you for this beautiful reflection. God is good and I whole heartedly believe that He works all things together for good. So even the pain and darkness of my past is no match for His power. Thanks for these words of encouragement. hugs xox

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  23. Wonderful post. To be able to say “Lent is bigger than me” is a sign of mature recovery. I’ve only recently discovered your blog, but it’s quickly becoming a favorite. The insights you share apply to so much more than eating disorders. Thank you!

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  26. I loved how you drew the conclusion of how it was supposed to be painful. I feel that way about my family. I don’t observe Lent. I’m a Christian, but don’t feel tied down to those kinds of observances. What I told a friend today was I think the point is that Jesus did for us what we could never, ever do. If I don’t do something for a season, it can’t even come close to what Jesus did for me. What Jesus did is off the books. Seems silly (at least to me–not making fun of anyone who does practice this, but my own thoughts here only) to try to somehow relate to Christ by giving up something so trivial. But I do love how we can use this time to really think about and honor Christ. We can use this time to appreciate all he’s done for us. I love your thoughts as usual.

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    1. Thanks so much for this heartfelt response. You’re absolutely right: what Jesus did was off the charts. I can only do my best to honor and glorify Him in whatever way – whether that’s through giving up something for Lent, or by simply loving others using His love as an example. Being appreciative of His sacrifice is truly the meaning of the season. Sending massive hugs to you friend! Xoxo

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  27. You’re such an inspiration 🙂 This post is beautiful, and I love your resolve that pours through here and your decision to give up negativity for lent. To be able to find the positivity and hope hidden amonst destruction and pain is such a remarkable thing and is something I am learning more and more about. Writing from amazing people like you helps in the most beautiful of ways. Thank you so much for the like and for allowing me to find your blog, and for sharing your story.

    Love and light 🙂

    Hadeesa

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  28. Wishing you peace on Ash Wednesday. I am grateful to you for your willingness to share your reckoning with what Lent means to you, both the graces and the sufferings. In this broken world, I don’t think we can have one without the other, but I agree that Lent can be a time of remarkable spiritual awakening and beauty. Especially with the unity of prayer and acts of mercy. I also struggle coming to terms with the concept of fasting, and after two weeks of intense reflection and three drafts finally managed to write something down about it. I am reflecting on Psalm 51 today – it is our hearts that God is after, and it sounds like you are orienting yours in the right direction. It’s never quite as easy as the writing and the words make it seem, though, is it? At least, that’s my experience. Thinking of you and praying for you this season. ❤️

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    1. Thanks Lulu! Wow what a beautiful reflection. You’re so right: writing it is a lot easier than actually doing it. One day at a time. One of my favorite sayings is, “just do the next right thing.” That’s gonna be my mantra this lent. And I really appreciate the prayers. Thank you:) I’ll definitely be sure to look up psalm 51. I look forward to reading your reflection on it. ☺️❤️ massive hugs to you my friend! Xox

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  30. I don’t know if not doing lent is punishable but it certainly a mindful act in memory of christ and his sacrifice. Your healing process is always fun to hear. I hope you’ve recovered fully.. or will whatever the case. Touching so my lives in a positive way. I have a high really high metabolism so lent is not so good for me. My brain/body needs the food, and i’d waste away in 40 days.. I lose weight too fast even on a high calorie diet. I think it should die down soon when i hit 30. That’s when the males get fat, you know? =D haha jokes aside, thanks for dropping by as usual. Always good to hear from you.

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  31. Great post! I’m so glad you are discovering your absolute value to God and his amazing love and grace to you. You are a living example of God’s love at work. Blessings, Lynda

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  32. Just want to say that I find your posts insightful and inspiring–even though we come from different places religiously and even though we have different body issues. What you write feels authentic, and I think that’s why it transcends our differences.

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  35. What a lovely post both in content and appearance. I could learn so much from you. I have a dear friend , Catherine Dagneau who suffered from bulimia and her husband was a drug addict. They now minister together sharing their story and that story which used to be nothing but a painful memory has been metamorphised into a joy and blessing, much as you have written. And thank you for following me. Jac

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  36. Great insight! Funny enough, I just finished the draft of my next blog entry and it is based on my first experience with fasting (not related to Lent though) and how the “good” intention soon led to my “not so good” ED. Thank you for sharing.

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  41. Absolutely, dear!
    I would give up “bitter blogging,” but I’ve already decided to do that. So, I am giving up feeling bad about being poor. So what if people get angry with me when all my cards are declined and I have to back out of $118’s worth of groceries; it gives me the opportunity to forgive and bless them and to thank God that I have another day to serve Him. To God be the Glory, and bless you, dear.

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  43. I think that the blog posts show that you’re as ready as you’ll ever be to move on from the eating disorder. But the problem with addictions is that they can always come back.

    I am certain that God is with you in not giving up food for Lent but harmful thoughts. You’re more use to God living a good life and making the world a better place than you are relapsing each year.

    And this post is another wonderful post from you.

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  45. Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing this very personal journey and for giving a different perspective of the sacrifice of Lent.

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  49. Thank you so much for sharing your story. “I once was blind, but now I see,” said the man whom Jesus healed of his blindness. I am so thankful for the grace of God in our lives in delivering us out of sin, troubles, heartaches, sicknesses, addictions, and the like. I rejoice with you in God’s healing in your life. I know what that is like. I didn’t have an eating disorder, but I had my pain and suffering, and I needed God’s healing touch in my life. And, he healed me! I am always glad to hear other people’s testimonies of God’s healing and deliverance in their lives. So, I praise God for what he has done in your life. And, I fully support you avoiding what might lead you back to where you were before. Stay strong in the Lord and in his mighty strength, and keep putting on the armor of God with which to fight off Satan’s evil attacks against you. Sue Love

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    1. Thank you so much for this beautiful reflection. You’re absolutely right: God is SO good and we are so lucky to have a Savior that longs to take care of His children and will work everything for good. I rest in that comforting thought:) I’m glad my piece resonated with you. I really appreciate the encouraging and affirming words. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love to you xox

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  50. Yes! The triggers of Lent. I have written about this too. It seems as Christian women we are set up to view food as some kind of ‘naughty’ indulgence and fasting becomes equated with ‘purity’ and all the other things we may be emotionally seeking.
    Beautiful.

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