Truth Serum

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I learned something about myself this weekend.

Allow me to set the stage.

Saturday night. Out with friends. Well, correction…I was out with the guys. Because all my female friends decided that Netflix was more appealing than a gorgeous, open air rooftop bar in NYC.

#NoJudgement…To each his own.

But there maaaay have been some potential love interests in the group…perhaps I’ve blogged about them before…a lady never tells.

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JK…I always doo000 🙂

Anyways. I’m going to say something and I don’t want to give you the wrong idea.

I am not a lush. But, that being said, I do drink alcohol socially. I know my limit…which is very minuscule. So I do not imbibe in more than 2 vodka/sodas. Because…well…dignity.

But that night, I had 2 drinks. No more. No less.

And allow me to just interject…there’s a reason that they call alcohol a truth serum. Especially for me. Over the course of the night, I perhaps confessed my love for George W. Bush. My secrets to preventing wardrobe malfunctions. And my irrational fear of seaweed.

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But I digress.

Eventually, the topic of conversation drifted…to Bumble.

Yes…the online dating app.

Which, as you know…I have recently joined….and matched with several of the gentlemen I was with that evening…it’s a running joke.

But the conversation quickly turned to why I’m not dating anyone. We had been talking about some of the guys’ horrendous online dating stories and the tables then turned to why I am still single.

And perhaps I was feeling uncomfortable being the center of attention with all these eligible bachelors, or perhaps it was my liquor talking, but I involuntarily blurted out, “Oh I’ve got a lot of baggage!”

200w

 Facepalm.

I mean, seriously Caralyn?

Holy camoley. Way to be smooth, there, sister!

And I mean, the guys were chuckling about it and laughing it off as kind of a “ok sureee” kind of response, but falling asleep that night, that moment kept playing over and over again in my head.

Does that ever happen to you? A moment or an interaction just nags at the lining of your stomach. Makes your throat tense up?

Well that was me. Not sleeping, and freaking out about making a total and complete nincompoop out of myself.

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But the following morning, sitting in church and – I hate to say it – zoning out during the homily, I found my mind again replaying that conversation.

And it dawned on me. Is that really what I think of myself? That I’m just a walking mess of undesirable issues?  

And sitting there in the pew, I took a good, long, introspective look at myself.

And spoiler alert…my findings were not pretty.

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I’ve always said that eating disorders are never about the actual weight. That the weight loss is merely a symptom of an internal battle. A manifestation of something bigger.

Something that you have come to believe about yourself that is false. A Lie.

And to truly heal, you have to identify “The Lie” and replace it with the Truth.

And it’s different for everyone.

For me, “The Lie” was that I was a burden.

Fast forward to NYC on a Sunday in 2016, all those years later, I realized something: Is my single-ness simply another manifestation of “The Lie” that crippled me so long ago?

Am I afraid to burden a potential boyfriend with my baggage? 

Aye yi yi. The plot thickens.

Out of focus lights

I told you at the beginning of the month that I was actually going to go out on a date with a guy this month, and here it is, September 26, and I have yet to do that.

So, I’m sorry.

But.

Coming to this realization this morning, it has awakened in me a new perspective.

And here it is:

I need to redefine my “baggage.”

I need to shift my thinking. Because what I consider baggage…i.e.having overcome anorexia, still battling self-worth issues, being a virgin, having to eat a specific way to keep my Ulcerative Colitis in remission — those things that I see as “baggage” in my eyes, are actually things that make me who I am. They have shaped me.

And dare I say it, someone is going to think that’s beautiful.

I just have to let someone in. Allow someone to see that. Unpack my baggage, if you will.

Because, I know that we all have quote-unquote “baggage” in our lives. And thinking about all of the people in my life…it’s their “baggage” that truly makes me love them all the more.

It gives them depth. Gives them beauty. It makes me appreciate who they are and how they got that way.

These things that are not-so-lovely about my past – they don’t make me a burden. They make me real. Honest. And perhaps, beautiful.

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So who knows…the month isn’t over yet. And thanks to my guy friends who took over my Bumble profile on Saturday night, I have about 25 new matches to sort through….

Anyway…

Hope your Saturday wasn’t quite as mortifying as mine 🙂

See ya Thursday.

xox

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

280 thoughts on “Truth Serum”

  3. Everyone you were with that evening has baggage! We all do. Now about napping in church……now that’s honesty! Thank you for sharing your walk of faith. You are an inspiration!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Everyone has their own Lie, and everyone’s quest to replace it is a work in progress. Which means none of us are perfect going into dating, or any other venture.

    Which in turn means, any guy who is walking into a dating relationship with an expectation of finding no brokenness in her, is probably deluded. We all think our brokenness is the worst kind. But brokenness is brokenness.

    Just keep working on your lie, Caralyn. Like you said, you’ll find someone who isn’t deflected by it. 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Again I think you are usually way too hard on yourself….and you are right in saying, “We all have baggage.” So just think, whoever you end up dating will have his own baggage. If he says he doesn’t have any….he is living in denial….God brought you this far on your journey, and He allows things in our lives, so that we can be of help to others….Blessings!!

    Liked by 4 people

  7. I remember reading on a forum somewhere that you either CHOOSE to see yourself as damaged goods or you don’t. It’s up to you really.

    Like

  10. Beautiful little open rooftop bar critter….explain how such a victorious life and even victory over biology ‘an ever be called baggage? What you deem as a burden to yourself is something different to others. I fear the truth serum you’ve been taking was a bit stale. Or that you must be allergic to it. From a distance, all we can see is a refreshing amount of beauty and no bones. You don’t need to change a most successful recipe.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. A few years ago I was travelling with a young lady who had been hired into our sales group. She was spending a week with me for training. As we traveled around Tennessee, finding a restaurant was always a challenge. You see, her diet has to be 100% gluten free. She has an app on her phone that searches for restaurants near her current location for gluten free menus.

    Was that a pain for me? No! We had a great week, comparing her injuries and my surgeries – it was like that scene in Jaws when Quinn and whats-his-name are comparing scars (we didn’t do show and tell).

    We talked about family and issues we were having; looking back, I think all we did was talk about baggage. But she was such great company we just fell into this trust thing and nothing was off limits.

    You have baggage. So what? I and 16,000+ other readers don’t have a problem with your baggage. Hell, we’re reading you BECAUSE WE have baggage, and it’s comforting to share it with someone we can identify with in some way.

    First time giving a public speech people tend to freak out. I always tell people, “You’re at the front of the room, so everyone is giving you the benefit of the doubt. If you stumble, no one is hanging like vultures to pounce. They are silently praying and trying to send you good vibes because they WANT you to do well.” Same as theatre, right?

    So – you go on a date, and the guy is going to give you credit just for showing up and being “at the podium.” You give your best “speech.” Let him see your current state of speech-giving. You can tell him later what it took you to get there. That’ll be academic once he knows you today.

    Go ahead. Take a plunge, if someone really trips your trigger. If you bomb, who says he ever gets to see you again? If he’s a jerk, what do you care what he thinks of you?

    Just order Coke or Pepsi instead of the Vodka.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey Jeff! The blessings of apps, right? You know I have actually never seen Jaws?! 😬 perhaps I’ll add it to my Netflix que. but you’re right-we all have things we’re working on and honestly, that’s what makes life interesting. Aw, what a kind thing to say. Thank you Jeff:) you’re right-just showing up is a victory and he’ll want it to go well too. Haha yes! Forever a Shirley temple! Hehe hope you’re having an amazing trip!!!! Big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Your post today inspired me to write something of my own talking about my own baggage. I’ll link this post to it so people see my inspiration. Thanks for your honesty and for sharing what you do. We all have baggage. They’re just in different kinds of suitcases.

    Liked by 3 people

  17. Don’t be mortified, on any account. If you had not said that you would be missing out on the insight it has now brought you. Remember, you don’t owe anyone anything – even the ‘favor’ of shielding them from your baggage. He who sees your baggage and loves you for it may well be worth your consideration – so walk on and hold your head high.

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Where would we be without our individual “baggage”? I suspect robots could replace us if we didn’t each have our own stories, issues, etc. Besides, how could anyone else deal with a perfect person? I certainly would have no idea how to talk to someone who had no empathy with my flaws, fears, and failures.

    Liked by 2 people

  22. Hello Caralyn, I’ve missed reading your blog. I have been on holiday and internet connections at sea and the far north part of the world, was difficult. You may like to read my blog as I keep adding to my spiritual adventures during my holidays.

    Baggage!!!!! What baggage!!!!!! We all carry our past with us, it’s shaped who we are today!!!!! We all have it. Just a word of advice, you can always mention your personal journey and growth later on into the relationships because when it’s put into perspective, it’s not bad at all. They are the scars that have taught you lessons in life. Jesus takes those scars and turns them into reminders of how far you have grown.
    God bless you ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Leap of faith–that’s the hardest thing about relationships. For you, as the lady, that’s the definitely the hardest part in a relationship. Will what you share cause the guy that likes you to view you in a way that he doesn’t like you anymore? Thing is, God has created those relationships to be complementary in a way that you build each other up. Caralyn, you definitely deserve a guy who will view the things that you think are negative about yourself as something even more to love about you. Don’t feel pressured to do anything for a guy that is less than what you expect of him. I’m sure you have high expectations and that is where they should stay!!

    Looking forward to seeing more posts from you!

    ~Tom

    Liked by 2 people

      3. Hey, not sure how else to let you know, but I hope you didn’t mind me making mention of you in my recent post! I apologize if I overstepped myself!

        Like

  25. Loved this blog tonight! It is helpng me with my many dilemas in life. You also mentioned some things to help me understand a bit more personal about my daughter who fights anorexia. I am proud of what she has overcome! Thank you for sharing and I can’t wait to hear more!!

    Liked by 2 people

  27. I now I understand the name of your blog, the relevance at least. I admire you very much. You are gifted in many areas as witnessed by this observer in your writing. Beyond this you have incredible courage and fortitude as well as strength of character. You’ve overcome an incredible struggle in a society that puts extreme pressure on women to obtain perfection or be perfect when there is no such thing. Learning to redefine who you are from the ground up could be daunting but you’ve overcome the most difficult part the change in your inner picture. Now surround yourself with those who truly appreciate you for who you are. It’s a pleasure to get to know you and I am indeed humbled by your generosity and willingness to share your story. You are Remarkable!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi there, friend. Wow, you’ve got me all choked up 🙂 Thank you for your incredibly kind words. This is a beautiful perspective and I’m grateful that you stopped by shared it with me. Have a beautiful evening! hugs xox

      Like

  28. Hi BBB, your posts are highly entertaining/engaging, also considering how cute and girly you come off as. I don’t know if you need to apologize for not being able to date anyone this month… uhm, lol? Just some thoughts, hugs 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Just so you know: you’re not the only lady I’ve tried to support in this regard – so maybe it’s caused me to be a little too pointed.

        Yesterday at lunch, a young lady at lunch with four men stood up from the table, and I immediately thought: “Wow. You present yourself really well.” When she came back, her boyfriend, an older fellow, got nervous and began touching her along her spine. I just kept on sending her support, thinking “You control where your energy goes.” She became really radiant and gently affirming of all the people at the table. When the other men realized what was going on, they leaned in around her, trying to manage her grace, and I thought “Just ground yourself in the floor.”

        One of the guys came over and tried to throw me off balance by making fun of my “girlfriend,” the bike helmet on my backpack. After they had walked out, I found myself thinking “If they really loved her, he’d be happy to have a father-figure show her how to shine.

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  32. You have answered the questions of your own subconcious questions! Of coures you’re not a burden, and never will be to anyone. Like you say, it’s what we go through in life shapes us into who we are. And we are all beautiful for those unique experiences.
    Can I suggest you look into a practice called Mirror Work? It might sound like a weird thing, but trust me – it works! It teaches you to love yourself, and in order to find true love with someone else, you must first find it within.

    Liked by 2 people

  33. Oh my dear Caralyn… (:

    I can’t count how many sleepless nights I’ve spent mentally kicking my own nincompoop ass for things I’ve done or said days–even months and years in the past; one of our fellow writers calls this “sunk costs”–things that may or may not affect our life but we can’t change regardles – it’s sunk! I’m trying to learn to accept those things more readily–and not have the clenched throat and racing heart/brain for hours on end.

    But you’re onto something here. When someone quits an addiction, there has to be something to fill that empty gap. And when you’re in crisis, anything goes – some people go from one substance to another without ever really touching on the root of it.

    Of course we both know Jesus fills that hole so very well and there’s just no better substance. But at the same time I see you digging and I think that root runs more deeply and further back into your history than you ever initially could have seen–and it’s the same way for almost everyone, I think.

    But that’s okay and that’s one of the great things about Jesus; he knows your process and your journey and he knows exactly how best to lead and shepherd you through to the end of that root–to the real core wounds–and to healing more complete than anyone could do on their own. He is so faithful!

    So I pray continued peace and healing for you on your journey, and especially as Jesus walks with you through each new layer of your baggage.

    Oh Caralyn! I’m so excited and happy for you! I know that seems like a weird response, (it feels weird to me!) But it just came over me and like… wow! You’re growing, and learning and healing and just so….wow. Jesus is so wonderful, isn’t he!?

    And this time I won’t digress.

    Happy Tuesday, my friend! Have a wonderful week! (:

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey Carson! oh my gosh this brought such a big smile to my face 🙂 thank you so much — you’re so right – there’s gotta be something to fill that hole and Jesus is definitely the best solution. Because he fills it and HEALS it. what a beautiful and comforting thought that is. Thank you for your prayers, your encouragement, and your friendship. I am grateful for you! big big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  35. This hit home. It’s not exactly the same lie for me, but I know how it feels to feel like I’m a big bundle of issues that no one will ever be interested in romantically. I hope and pray that you can continue to break free from the lie… even though I know I’m not good at taking my own advice.

    And, I’m sure hearing this kind of thing from some stranger who reads your blog is the last thing you need, but if not for the fact that we’re a few thousand miles apart, I would love to take you on a date… … there, I said it. 🙂 Hang in there.

    Liked by 2 people

  36. BBB I’m always a bit surprised by your transparency here, but it is on point. We so often miss the depth of people’s lives and this often is true for ourselves. In my walk with God I realize He loves me first! It is this fact that draws me toward recovery,reconciliation, and ultimate redemption.

    Love cultivates change in our hearts it never demands it!

    Just let God love you where you are and as each promise is received from God, a lie will be removed. May gentleness make you great, you were never a burden to God.

    Psa 18:35 Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy right hand hath holden me up, and thy gentleness hath made me great

    Praying for you, I find myself in the same place of burdensome self consciousness and I can say definitively that God consciousness is the only way out.

    Liked by 2 people

  37. I’m constantly replaying conversations over in my head and thinking of a much better response than what I just blurted out of my mouth.
    More than that, own your story. It’s made you into who you are, and you should not be ashamed of that!

    Liked by 2 people

  38. There’s baggage and there’s history. I’m not entirely sure that my definition of the two is the widely accepted definition, but I think baggage is something that’s still dragging you down, that you’re still tripping over, that’s going to be a giant pain when you’re interacting with others. History is something that you went through, but that doesn’t define you now, that you aren’t still grappling with, that isn’t going to going to come between you and others. Some of the items you listed seem like history. Some of them (virginity) seem like life choices instead of baggage.

    Liked by 3 people

  40. Dear C,
    We have all, more ore less, stinking stuff in our old bags. This year’s Good Friday I felt an urge to confess some things to my wife, but she refused to listen. I felt very frustrated. Am I not worth listening to? But one of my beloved priests said to me: “She has the right not to know!” Wow! that changed everything! You don’t have to confess everything to everyone, not even telling that you have some stinking stuff. If another person likes you for who you are now, it may be because of everything that you have been through. Show off the wonderful girl you are now! The past can be enjoyed later, in small portions…
    Lennart in Sweden

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi Lennart! My Swedish friend! Hah stinking stuff – I like that evaluation! But in all seriousness, you offered some really powerful food for thought here so thank you. You’re right-I need to celebrate who I am now, not let the “past me” be drudged up. Thank you for sharing your heart. You’re a blessing to me! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 2 people

  41. You, my friend, are setting yourself up for a wonderful life to come. Your openness and honesty and faith in and relationship with God are the perfect mix for peace, contentment and joy….Great blog!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You’re welcome. I encourage you to continue doing what you are doing. Love seeing the leaps and strides you are making in openness, honesty and transparency in your writing. If nothing else, it will bring peace to you to not have any chains weighing you down. God speed my friend,

        Liked by 2 people

  42. Awesome! You’re a beautiful woman inside and out. One of the most amazing things about this story is that you own who you are and aren’t afraid to look inside yourself to become a better you. Also… I’m one of those who replay statements I made over and over… lol I think all the best people do.

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  43. Lennart’s comment nails it….you are wonderful and who you are now. Whenever you draw closer to someone you will subtly evolve again, as will he..you have this moment and you are a beautiful soul. Xx hugs x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Jane! I 100% agree! His comment really struck a chord with my heart:) I can’t tell you how truly blessed I feel and how grateful I am for this beautiful and supportive community on here! Thank you for your wonderful encouragement. You’re right-it’s an evolution. I can’t wait for the day:) thanks again for stopping by! Sending big big hugs xox

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  44. ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’ BBB, that’s life beyond anorexia, letting go of the control and trusting, like that saying, you might have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding your handsome prince, LOL.

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  45. Everyone does have their own story or “baggage” it’s true. But when you find the right person who will let you be yourself you will blossom and trust – unfold and be free; you will be like a butterfly and one day look back on that baggage and think, “Wow, I made it through” – I’m free. ♥

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  46. Dear BBB,

    I had started writing a comment on my phone and this got lost somehow. But am braving it to write a second one because your post hit home. You are probably much younger and so hopefully you’ll be able to catch up with your ‘soul romanticism’ life…

    In 2012 barely a year after my ‘self-exiled’ when I was still barely beggining to feel that any healing will be possible for me, a guy came up to me at my sister’s wedding and tried to chat me up… I was simply put still so broken. As if he seeing me with my three sons didn’t scare him off, he just kept trying and trying… I told him: ‘Look you can’t even lift my hand luggage’ (I was referring in my mind to all my life shit I didn’t want to burden anyone with nor even let it haunt me once I got into a relationship and had to put a mask on’.

    Last October 2015, that healing was way in process, at a very good stage, and I was ready to face some ‘ghost dogs’. I went on a retreat – solo, and wrote a memoir titled ‘what is the worst case scenario…’ Two chapters I braved were: The Fear of Loving and The Fear of Being Loved. Once I braved these, I was much more ‘liberated’ and I gave myself permission to ’embrace’ that whole me, to stop thinking I had any ‘Luggage’ or ‘Baggage’ (in your own words), that will be more than any God sent person wouldn’t want/love to share; simply I gave myself permission to Relax and give it a Try – that was the only way I could know…

    Am still trying but now I have this intimate relationship with Jesus I literally tell him everything and I run to Him for comforst and all, all the time.

    Wishing you so so much because you are Beautiful and Beautifully made and someday a “Special God Fearing and You Cherishing One” will come along just keep Trusting God

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Marie! Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry for the glitch-Technology… I’m so glad you took the time to write it again because this is such a powerful comment. Your words have so resonated with my heart. I’m so glad you found the “key” and have given yourself permission to embrace the whole you. That is so beautiful and powerful and yes-super inspiring. Thank you again for sharing your heart. You are a blessing to me:) I’ll keep holding out for my “SGF&YCO” 🙂 love that. Sending massive hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  48. I just had to add my two cents worth to this because my circumstances is and was alot like yours. It took me a while to adjust my diet (I’m celiac) and get my other illnesses into remission. For a long time, I didn’t think anyone would be able to put up with my baggage and sabotaged myself out of being with many people over the years but when I finally did open up to someone and enter a relationship, she supported me through many traumatic events and helped me see through all the garbage that held me back in life. The great thing about you, from what I read in your post, is that you are open to introspection and that is truly the quality of someone who will thrive in life 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  49. Great post! Love your honesty here. I think your “baggage” is such an awesome victory! To have overcome the lies and to be walking in the truth and now sharing your story with so many others who have probably been there I think is a huge miracle and success! I pray that God blesses you someday with someone who recognizes it!

    Liked by 2 people

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