Frank Conversations

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Ever have one of those moments when something so casual and everyday smacks you upside the head with such plain english, it’s laughable?

Maybe I’m not making myself 100% clear.

Articulate, Caralyn.


Okay.

Sometimes, all it takes is an outside perspective — or, a frank remark by a highly intelligent Wall Street #girlboss lawyer — to really make you see a situation in a new light.

And well, that just happened to me.

Tonight, I was talking with a wise older woman ((not my mom)) about my “staycation” last weekend. I told her how my mom and sister-in-law came to visit, and how we had a great time. We visited the Top of the Rock, ate great food, saw Aladdin on Broadway. I ended it by saying how much I missed my family back in Ohio.

“Well, do you see yourself staying here long term?”

“Oh no!” I replied without even skipping a beat. “I want to raise a family back in Ohio…I just need to meet a man first!” (#selfdepricator)

And without even blinking, this #girlboss woman goes, “Well don’t find one here! Good luck trying to get a New York guy to move to Ohio!”

I chuckled…uncomfortably. “Yeah…”

“You’ve gotta find a guy in Ohio. And you’d better hurry before all the good ones are taken!”

Damn.


That noise you hear is my entire existence shattering into a million tiny pieces.

Walking home, I kept replaying that conversation over and over in my head.

Was I really that dumb? How had I not thought of that before?? Of course, if I meet a guy in NYC, he’s not going to want to leave NYC. He’ll have his job and his life here. He’s not going to want to move to Ohio. 

Oy vey. Am I dense or what?


Over the next few hours, I tried to put it out of my mind. Think about something else: There’s a young singles meet up at church tomorrow…debating going to that. That’s a step in the right direction, right??

Checked out the guest list of a party I’m attending on Saturday night to scope out any potential hunks….

But my mind kept going back to the question…If my end goal is to wind up in Ohio with a family and a lap dog near my family, then why the hell am I looking in New York?

Ugh. I hope you can hear my exasperated groan through the screen.


So then, my mind went to the hypotheticals. I started playing the “what if” game. You know, what would it look like if I were to look for a potential suitor in Ohio.

Well, I have a confession. Back over Thanksgiving when I was at home…I did a little…research. I went on Bumble. Not to get a date, but to just see what was out there. Or rather, see who was out there. Bumble is a dating app that is location based and so wherever you+your phone are, the app will show you people in that same geographical area.

Swiping Scrolling the app, I literally knew so. many. guys. Literally SO MANY were from my high school.

The town — or rather, township — I am from is very…incestuous. Not in an inbreeding sort of way….no Hapsburgs here…

Sorry, history joke…

But people just don’t leave. Maybe they go away to college, but most people end up right back there, going to their alma mater’s Friday Night Football Games every week.

And everybody knows evvvvvvverybodys’ business. 

It’s no secret that home is a very bittersweet place for me.

I’m going to be pretty blunt here: I was a pretty beloved child growing up in my community. I came from a pretty respected family, my brothers were the high school quarterback and point guard, my parents were deeply engaged leaders at our church, and I had been doing professional theater/film around the city since age five. So you can imagine, when I came down with severe anorexia in my last two years of high school and wasted away to 78 pounds, my “fall from grace” was, well….highly visible. 

So ever since I “got well,” home has always been…difficult to return to, to say the least. There’s a shadow of that former life that follows me around. Even to this day, nearly 10 years since the fact, I still will get well-meaning-yet-slightly-out-of-touch women from church who come up to me and say, “Oh, sweetie, you look so healthy now.”

I’ve even had a *former* doctor boisterously and densely joke, “Remember when you didn’t eat?!”


Yeah…

So it’s hard to go back.

So thinking about dating someone from my hometown…it’s complicated. And honestly, anxiety-inducing.

Thinking, he’ll talk to someone and hear a horror story about my past… 

…You’re dating Caralyn? Dude…not a good idea. She’s a head case. Remember in high school? The girl almost died. Don’t get tangled up with that freak show. There’s something wrong with her. 

Whenever I’m back in my hometown, I feel as though I have a big scarlet letter on my chest.

And I’m going to be honest, thinking about this made me really sad. I fought back tears the entire night. I watched Gilmore Girls, and cried, thinking that I could never be Rory Gilmore, returning to Stars Hollow to live by her mom and have that story book existence.

But back to the topic at hand.

Is looking for my future husband in NYC what I’m supposed to be doing?

I went to bed thinking about that with a pit in my stomach, and I woke up with a bit more clarity.

I don’t think “looking for” or “seeking out” my future husband is the answer here.

I should be “seeking” the Lord.

Not a man. The Man: Jesus.

I need to chase His heart, not some Brock, Brett, or Brad I may meet at some wannabe-hipster bar on the Upper East Side.

Because at the end of the day, God already has my future husband picked out, and there’s no way I can miss him.

But that doesn’t just give me a free pass to sit back and be complacent either. I have to put myself in play. Get out there and in the mix so that I can meet him, and be open to love when it comes along.
As far as meeting a NYC guy and wanting to end up in Ohio…

That one, I’m going to have to just throw my hands up and simply trust the Father.

I’m going to trust that He has my best interest at heart. I’m going to pray and keep putting myself in position to meet the man God has in mind for me.


And I guess that means going to that mixer tonight after church.

So…I guess all that’s left to do now is go find my MetroCard and get my arse on the subway  so I’m not late! Who knows. This could be the first day of the rest of my life.

Wish me luck!

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

325 thoughts on “Frank Conversations”

  1. You are as God created you. Never try to be anything else. If someone loves you, he will accept your story with all facets … and he will know, that you are infinite more than any story… here and now.

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  3. Hey, who knows, you could end up in a log cabin on the side of a mountain growing veggies, milking goats, and going to the high school football state championship game. Sounds pretty improbable for a guy from pre-Silicone Valley and gal from New England meeting at a retirement party of a mutal friend in Washington, D.C., while that guy lived in NYC (Queens, actually, if you do not consider that you need a passport to take the 7 train out there). Here’s a pick up line for you at the next singles mixer, “Can I see your driver’s license?” Look for those Ohio ID’s.
    Oscar

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      1. Some years ago, an intern at the clinic asked me for some advise on dating. I suggested that he not focus on what the person was like now, but what she might be like in 40 or 50 years. When we pursue someone because of his or her current qualities, we may forget that life experiences refine us. Many marriages progress to separation and divorce because the hot-and-bothered sex appeals wears off, obligations distract the love interest from being #1, financial, career or health issues, and lack of common interest. My recommondation was seek compainship, not passion. If all you have in common is passion, then you will be making drama just to have passion. You will miss out on the many years of holding hands and enjoying memories of a life together. Or, as a Mid-West friend said to her son, “If you don’t like a quality in her now, it’s only going to get worse over time.” There’s Ohio for you. 😉
        Uncle Oscar’s Advice Line

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  4. First of all, I love your writing style! It’s super relatable + the addition of gifs is a super cool idea. Also, I totally get the whole trying out Bumble thing. Been there, done that. I’ve been really convicted to really trust the Lord and wait on His timing for guys, but it’s definitely super hard. Can’t wait to see what the Lord has in store!

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  5. God is good all the time and if we dig a little in Scriptures we’ll find in 2 Peter 1:3 – His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life. So.. based on that truth He has prepared for you the man for your happily ever after! God bless you and be encouraged with that thought!

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      1. Yes, but sometimes it is scary or disheartening to not see or understand God’s plan and future for us. I guess you would call it practical faith, you believe that God is good, you believe that he has granted everything for us to have a full, joyful and happy life; but taking action Is where faith lies.

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  6. I really joy your writing, especially your knack for story telling.

    I hope you keep trusting in God, do the work you need to do to keep your heart open, and keep helping others by sharing your experience of recovery.

    Single and divorced after 3 years of marriage was not in my plans, but God had other plans. But no regrets, because as result I get to grow by being a father to a wonderful 2 year old.

    Your blog helps me think and reflect on how to navigate cultural body image issues as she grows up. I try to affirm her intelligence, kind heart, curiosity, and not just her physical beautiful. 😉 maybe, I am overthinking.

    But anyway, I wish you peace and light in this journey. I will be holding you in the Light (Quaker way of saying I’ll be holding you in prayers), and may God bring someone that you can grow with and journey together to best serve God.

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement! You’re right, we may not know the plans God has in store for us, but we can definitely trust that they are good and for our growth and good. It sounds like you’re a great dad. And thanks for the prayers:) merry Christmas! Xox

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  7. I had a plan too, before I got married about how things would unfold, where we would live. What unfolded did not resemble my plan, which was scary. The plan was safety and control. The reality was the unknown, taking chances, considering my husband’s job opportunities and goals, responding to changes in health. With God at the center you will be able to navigate whatever life brings you whether it matches your original plan or not.

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  8. I pray that God brings the groom He’s prepared for you, for you’re a beautiful woman of God. Keep your eyes on Jesus, gal 👼

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  9. Loving your honesty and vulnerability! And the concept of not sowing in doubt what you’ve planted in faith – brilliantly inspired! Thank you for sharing your heart. Blessings and prayers!

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  10. On some metaphorical level, if you’re going to win the lottery, you have to buy a ticket.

    Nor does it matter which “state” you purchase the ticket, if it’s a winner you can take it wherever you go.

    Just need to make room for the winnings.

    “State” could be geography or mindset.

    Well wishes.

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  11. This puts such an interesting spin on things and this post has really made me step back and take a different view on certain matters. Thank you X

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  13. Small town small minds. God is much bigger than that. If it helps Damien Jurado wrote a beautiful song called Ohio. You could listen to it and pine away. I lived on an island during my anorexia so I can relate. God has a great plan!

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  14. Love your candor and humor. God is for you and His plans are always greater than you can imagine. One of the keys to this treasure is simple trust. Trust Him to give you your hearts desire. Keep writing!

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  15. I know this is an old post, but having stumbled upon it, figured I’d offer some advice from something I’m going through at the moment. I’m a single mom, and for years I’ve fantasized about how if I could just move home to upstate NY (from Boston and then Barcelona, Spain), life would be so much better. I finally did move back, and it turned out that it wasn’t better. It turned out that I love everything about cities, even raising my kids in cities, and that there’s a reason (many of them, actually) why I left the suburbs to find something different.

    And, also, that yes, it is hard to escape who you were. For me, it was who I was in my family – the black sheep, the flaky one, always changing my mind. My city friends, instead, see me as the adventurer, the free spirit, always trying something new. I think you are right to trust that everything will happen in its own time, but also, trust your heart to love what it loves and that you’ll find a way to make it all work.

    Thanks for your blog and social posts – you are very brave 😘

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