It’s my Birthday

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Well, today is my birthday.

Yep, I’m clocking in another year around the sun.

I feel like once you’re in your late twenties, and you’re in that stage of life where you’re supposed to be gearing up to having your life all figured out — engaged, married, successful career, house, kids, etc. — every birthday is just a brutal reminder that, well…I’m not there yet.

And the devil on my shoulder keeps reminding me that with each passing year, I become less and less desirable marriage material, and more and more likely to become a spinster cat lady.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my birthday fell on top of the journey my mom and I took along the Camino de Santiago in Spain. Eighty miles is a long way to walk, and as you read in last week’s reflection, it’s about the journey, not the destination.

But one of the things that I always struggle with, especially on my birthday, is assessing where I am on my journey, and feeling inadequate. And if I’m being suuuuper transparent: like a failure. It’s not a “pretty” truth, but it is what I wrestle with. A remnant of my disordered thoughts during my anorexia.

Growing up, I thought my life would be in a much different place than where it is now. Heck, in fourth grade I would have told you that I’d be on kid #7 of 12 by now!

But if I’m honest, it’s hard not to feel like I’ve either made a horribly wrong turn, thus missing the path God had laid out for my life; or that God simply has abandoned this lost cause of an existence.

And I know, bleak thoughts for a day that is supposed to be full of celebrating.

But it’s my reality, and I just feel really phony writing a chippy-chipperton post about how joyful I am that it’s my birthday.

But you know, I did a lot of praying about that this morning. And God placed something on my heart. So I’m going to share.

While my mom and I were walking the Camino, we woke up one morning to the news of Demi Lovato’s overdose. And I want to just pause to say that she and her loved ones are in my prayers during this difficult time. Addiction is such an insipid, lurking monster, and I’m so glad that she is getting the help she needs. And her courage is truly inspiring.

But it just reminded me that I have a lot to be grateful for.

Anorexia is a very specific type of addiction. And though food is not an “illegal substance” like narcotics, or opioids, the disordered mentality behind addictive actions is very much the same.

And the news of Demi’s relapse not only shattered my heart for her, but also reminded me that recovery is a battle you can’t fall asleep on. Diligence and intentionality is needed each and every day – even in the strongest of recoveries.

But the fact is, I’m here, and I’ve overcome a lot. God has blessed my life with complete healing, and with an incredibly supportive group of family and friends.

I’m healthy. I’m alive. And I’m in a place in my life where I truly am thriving.

Maybe it doesn’t look like my fourth-grade mind had planned, but then you know – God had other plans. Plans and challenges and detours that have shaped me into the young woman I am today. And I embrace that. And am grateful for it.

I have been so blessed in my recovery. I owe absolutely everything to God’s grace, and the fact that I’ve made it another 365 is cause for praise and gratitude to the Author of Life.

Because we’re not guaranteed tomorrow. That’s something that, sadly, as we get older, becomes more and more apparent, as we become aware of the tragedies all around us, that seem to pop up with more and more frequency.

I think today I should be taking an inventory of all the things in my life I do have – that I have been blessed with, rather than negatively comparing where I am with where people on my Facebook timeline are in their lives, or with the unrealistic standard of perfection I had set for myself, even as an Old Navy Tech Vest-wearing, Gel Pen-toting, precocious ten year old.

Birthdays are a time for thanksgiving. Gratitude for life. For relationships. For health. For blessings. For lessons learned the hard way. And yes, for the patience God is fortifying in me as I await the unfolding of the rest of my story.

It will come. I know it will. I trust it will.

God is working, and as with all good things, some take longer than others. But one thing’s for sure: it will be worth the wait.

See ya tomorrow morning on the Podcast!

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A big thank you to my foundational sponsor, BetterHelp Online Therapy. I cannot begin to express how beneficial therapy was for my recovery from anorexia.  Speak with an online therapist. Or check out content about eating disorders from BetterHelp.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

553 thoughts on “It’s my Birthday”

  2. Well kiddo, if you didn’t know how loved you are, you should by now. Do enjoy your birthday and… I’ve been where you are and well, everything fell into place when I let God do the work. Easier said than done, I know.

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  5. Happy birthday! I hope you have an amazing day! ❤ I love your posts and how encouraging you are. Thank you for writing!

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  6. Happy (belated) birthday Caralyn! I think everyone goes through that angst of not being as far along in life as we think we should be. As the prophet from the 60s, John Lennon said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” But, seriously, I know that you know that you are in God’s hands and your “times are in His hand” (Psalm 31:15). You can rest in that when you feel like you’re skidding off the cliff or your life’s pathway! 🙂 Anyway, may you have a very blessed new revolution around the sun! May He fill your life with delights and pleasant surprises (to compensate for all the other stuff life throws at us. LOL!).

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    1. And relax young lady. You’ve got lots of time, and, you will never be an undesirable anything at any age. I’m also sure you’d be a cute cat lady☺️🤗❤️

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  8. Happy Birthday, Sister. Love your genuineness. From my point of view. God is heaping blessings on you, though maybe not some of the particular ones you want. It seems obvious to me, you are so loved by Him,(not in the general sense, but particularly) and others.

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  10. It’s not just in your late 20’s or early 30’s that you can feel this. I turned 70 this year and I have had lots of moments of looking back and wondering “what if I had done this instead of that” or feeling disappointed that I did not achieve some of the goals I had for myself. But, like you, in the end I have counted all in my life that is good and thank God for my life. You are too beautiful not to continue to be desirable. My youngest daughter had about given up on having a family but she met her husband and married at 34 – had daughter at 36 and has a great family. And the experiences she had while “waiting” have made her a person younger women turn to for support and advice. Hebrews 11:1 – “What is faith? It is the confident assurance that something we want is going to happen. It is the certainty that what we hope for is waiting for us, even though we cannot see it up ahead.” A belated happy birthday. I continue to pray that God grants you your desire.

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    1. Thanks for sharing your heart, Barbara. Wow that gives me great hope!! Thank you for your prayers 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  12. O G_d, our times are in your hand: Look with favor, we pray, on your servant as she begins another year. Grant that she may grow in wisdom and grace, and strengthen her trust in your goodness all the days of her life; through Jesus, Christ our Lord. Amen.

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  14. Appreciate your candor and vulnerability. It can be very difficult when our expectations for life are unmet. When dreams we once had die or must transform. Especially when your heart desires marriage, singleness can become extremely difficult and discouraging. However, you are correct that God truly is good. I can see that He is working in your life! And even though singleness is difficult at times and expectations can be dashed, you will become who God desires you to be as you continue to pursue Him. Also, thank you for reminding me that we’re all broken people being redeemed by God. It’s easy to look at women like you who I don’t really know and assume your life is perfect, and that you don’t struggle with the insecurities or vulnerabilities common to me. Reading this reminded me to stop comparing myself to pictures of people, and to remember we are all the same in so many ways. Praying for strength and grace to continue to draw near to God and become the woman He is calling you to be! Happy birthday!

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  15. Happy Birthday!!! And here is a little sage advice from a 52-year-old mama. I didn’t find my forever guy and marry him until I was 34 years old. Gave birth to my perfect daughter a year later. My advice? Enjoy being “in the now”, don’t fret and worry about what hasn’t come into your life yet. Volunteer, expand your roads of travel and meet new and different people. Habitat for Humanity, the food bank, etc, are good endeavors. Bring food/goodies to your local fire department or police department–they are hard-working individuals who greatly appreciate expressions of gratitude while they’re performing a many-times thankless job. As you grow in maturity (getting older is a good thing), you will attract the same kind of individuals, i.e., husband material. Put yourself out there, live life fearlessly, and when you least expect it, you’ll find God has put someone in your path…and you’ll be ready for it.

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  16. A very happy belated Birthday wish Caralyn! I got married at 27, so I remember those feelings well at times…..I was happy though, thought I wouldn’t find someone right for me, but had plans to pursue a music career and I was totally focused on that….God had other plans for me the other way tho, a hubby and now 2 great sons, no music career, ha, ha….it all unfolds as it should in His time. Much love, enjoy each year, each stage!!!

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  18. Happy Birthday! But as I told my kids, my birthday is really a day for moms! Heck we should be the ones getting the gifts. But on a more ‘pertaining to your post’ comment. Start this year and make a list for each year of something that you can celebrate. I will soon be hitting the 60 mark and yes, I can come up with 60 reasons to celebrate. I started my list for something that happened before I turned one and listened to stories of my childhood to start my compiling. Make some silly make some tearful.

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  20. Just read this today — Happy Birthday!!!

    Definitely look at your blessings. Every time I do I find more than I knew of. Jeff 🙂

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  22. I had the same dream of having 12 kids! Ended up very happily married at 39 and had just one fabulous son. I always says it’s better to wait than to marry the wrong person. My husband and I met on Catholic Singles Online, which is now https://www.avemariasingles.com/. I was a charter member! We’ve been married 16 years now and my forties and fifties have definitely been the best years of my life! I am praying for you. ❤

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    1. aw thank you so much for your prayers and kindness. haha great minds 😉 thats so awesome! Hugs and love xox

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  24. Should have known your birthday was at the height of the veggie harvest. It’s good to be able to look at your life and not seek sympathy. Those things happened, wow. That was really bad…then, you keep going. Stack your years like your money, one on top of the other they are easier to count.

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      1. You’re still up? It’s late over there. I’ve found it easier to give up. Everyone says love is, great. Well, so is life isn’t it? Sometimes that’s all you get.

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      5. I just don’t see the difference between your life now and with someone you might love. Your life seems wonderful. To love, hm, that is not the same. Well. Maybe it’s different, up there.

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      8. Uh. I’m sorry. I just realized the title was possibly insensitive to ED. Although, she’s battled with over eating and depression. I’d like to think you’d let me know. If that was a problem. Yeah. It’s really good. She tells stories like you do.

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  26. Happy birthday dear.
    Your a beautiful lady that doesn’t have to worry about becoming a spinster for a very long time to come so nock those thoughts right out of your head dear !!!
    ❤️✌️

    BY FOR NOW

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  28. Happy birthday to you – I hope you had a great day celebrating. Don’t be in a rush to be older and get married and all that. It’ will come when it comes and ignore that devil – you’re a long, long way from ever being undesirable. I know it’s really hard to thing or feel like it but be proud and happy to be single. Being with someone is really, really hard.
    🙂 xox

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  29. Happy birthday dear. I will say count your blessings, not your losses. Your gains, not your pains. Trust God for the best. An in His time He will make all things beautiful for you.

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  31. Happy birthday!!! You shouldn’t feel like a failure – marriage and kids is not what determines a happy and fulfilled life. I am married and have kids and love the vibes. But there’s no reason why you can’t be absolutely fulfilled without it. If it’s your desire to go that route then I am sure it will come when the right person for you comes along. Right now, you are inspiring so many people I am sure, with your honesty about your journey. Stay blessed. Birthday hug xxx

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  32. Happy Birthday! 🎊🎈

    Just another revolution around the Sun, I like how you put it that way! I can relate, I thought I would be a veterinarian like my dad when I was little. I’m learning that all of our experiences are the scaffolding we need to become “build” people. Bruce Lee once said “I treasure the memory of past misfortunes. It has added more to my bank of fortitude.”

    Here’s to another day under the sun!

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  35. What can I say? other than “Happy birthday” and a beautiful post too. I think we all have to relax and just enjoy our ride so far on our birthdays. Life has its own way of doing things. That’s why life is interesting. So enjoy your day and wishing you great days in the future!

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  39. Happy Birthday, Caralyn! It’s easy to want to rush some of those decisions; but you’re wiser for not, and letting God work on the timing He’s worked out for you will always be the better decision. Even if it seems harder now. With your attitude and personality, sense of humor, et al, you’ll always be “desirable marriage material”.

    Thanks for sharing with us.

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  40. Happiest birthday!

    I enjoy reading your posts. I see so much of myself in them as well as my daughters– one of whom is in her twenties as well– which means I’m probably old enough to be your mom!!! Ack!

    I just want to say how much I love your vulnerably, compassion for others, and that you point us to Christ over and over again! To me, that looks like you’re exactly where God wants you to be, doing exactly what he wants you to be doing. He knows the desires of your heart and in his timing he will bring those things to you. Keep your eyes on him and keep sharing your heart with us. It’s nothing short of inspiring! ❤️

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  42. Thank you so much for your vulnerability shared in this post! Although hard to open up and share our stories without the filter that the world wants to see, vulnerability has the potential to bring us into true and honest connection. So thank you for exhibiting that in your post and for sharing your struggles and your joys…God has a beautiful plan that He is unfolding within you….thank you for sharing your words with the world!

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  46. Happy Birthday! Thanks for your transparency in the face of all you’re feeling. While my journey from addiction to recovery was from a different starting point, your post rings true. Also, being married is awesome. But when I tried to ‘force’ it (going after the wrong person) it ended poorly, to say the least. When I spent time with God, trying to understand what his love was really like, purposefully, is when I began to fall in love with the woman who is my wife today. It wasn’t out of the blue, but it wasn’t expected. This isn’t advice, just sharing my story a bit. Sounds like your heart is yearning for the right things. God willing, they will come!

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  50. Happy Belated Birthday! I’m almost 33, yikes, and I feel like I’m still trying to figure things out, lol. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re doing great things with your blog that impacts those that read it! Walk by faith and not by sight, you got this!

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