The Virgin Bachelor – A Virgin’s Perspective

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Confession: I was one of the 5.1 million viewers who tuned in on Monday night to watch the three hour premiere episode of The Bachelor on ABC.

Yeah, you read that right: three HOURS.

And whether or not you tuned in like me, I’m sure you’ve heard, that the lead, Colton Underwood, is a virgin.

  • Photo: People

Yep. The franchise has decided to build the entire season around his virginity, touting him “The Virgin Bachelor,” with the slogan, “What does he have to lose?”

And as you can imagine, along with all of the promos and trailers leading up to Monday night, Colton’s lack of sexual experience was front and center the entire episode. And sadly, the butt end of a lot of jokes.

Everyone in the media, in the press, – even the contestants on the show – are all having fun, frankly, at Colton’s expense.

And to be honest, I wasn’t planning on even watching this season. Every year, I say I’m going to quit my guilty pleasure. But sitting here as a fellow virgin, I felt a deep camaraderie and compassion, for this young man, that seemingly, the entire country is making fun of.

People are questioning his honesty – baffled that he could be an attractive 26 year old man and former professional football player, and still be a virgin.

People are questioning his sexuality, convinced that he’s gay, because he hasn’t had sex yet.

He’s become a source of voyeuristic fascination, and quite honestly, enough is enough.

And the premiere episode of the show was no different. The innuendos were a dime a dozen.

The limo exits — let’s just say virginity was the theme of the night. One young woman brought a cherry-shaped ballon for him, that she then “popped.” Another brought handcuffs for…”later.” One performed a magic trick that involved stealing his “V Card.” Another bragged that she hadn’t dated a virgin since she was 12 years old. And still yet, one dressed as a sloth, because he liked to “take it slow.”

The whole night just left me feeling icky: Women jockeying to be the one to “take” his virginity, as though it were a prize to be conquered.

And the next morning, as a true Bachelor fan does, I was listening to the OG Bachelor recap podcast: The Ben and Ashley I “Almost Famous” Podcast, with Ben Higgins and Ashley Iaconetti. Ben, being a former lead, and Ashley’s claim to Bachelor fame: being (the original) virgin contestant.

Photo: iHeartRadio

Well, I was listening to their podcast, and they both were voicing a similar disgust about the whole preoccupation with Colton’s virginity.

Ben said, “There’s one thing that’s really upsetting me…I don’t love that there’s women on the show saying ‘I’m going to take his virginity’ or ‘When he loses his virginity I’m gonna oil him up to try to get him hot and bothered and all that stuff. I feel really disgusted by that for some reason…We’re crossing a boundary and a line now, where this is something Colton’s held onto…It’s been a personal choice by him. I hate that there’s verbiage and people out there – on the show, and also that they’re playing it – that there’s women going ‘I’m gonna take his virginity.’ Think about what you’re saying there! What you’re saying is absolutely disgusting. And not okay with me. And I can’t quite put into words why it’s so upsetting. But I know when I watched the episode tonight, there’s something about it that just made me feel dirty.” (Minute 33:30)

Me too, Ben. Me too.

And so tonight, I’d like to offer one perspective, maybe, on why that is so upsetting. And share with you just what my virginity means to me.

Because, believe me, as a young woman, who is still proudly a card-carrying member of the V Card club, I have some thoughts.

BeautyBeyondBones

The balloons, the jokes, the objectification and humiliation — why is that so upsetting, and leaves one feeling dirty?

Because Colton’s choice of virginity is a beautiful gift, but it also mirrors what Jesus did for us on the cross.

It is his choice, and my choice, but of course not everyone’s choice. I am not condemning other choices, but please do not make fun of mine.

Virginity is living out the vocation that Jesus called us to live: giving of ourselves in love to God and to others.

That which we are ridiculing and making fun of, is not only the very essence of our humanity, as God designed it, but also reflective of God, himself.

And follow me for just a few moments, if you may. Because, take it from this virgin, it’s important to me. There have been many temptations and really attractive opportunities to choose otherwise, but my virginity is an out growth of the foundation of my faith, so I invite you to just hear me out.

Here is what I believe: Who we are – women and men – we were made in the image of God. Our souls, our hearts and yes, our bodies — were created by God, in His image. And they’re temples of the Holy Spirit, dwelling in our hearts as children of God. And contrary to what secular society is trying to convince us, we were created, man and woman. God designed us to fit together perfectly, in a love that produces life: life giving love.

And if that rings a bell – it’s because that is the love of our Father. God is love. And the Father, Son and Holy Spirit — that Trinity — is both life giving, and life creating. Just like the love between man and woman.

Luke 22:19 “This is My body, given for you.” – Spoken by Jesus, right before He gave himself totally and completely in love, on the cross, for His bride, the Church.

And praise God for the new life: eternal life, that sacrifice produced.

To choose virginity, or abstinence, and responding to God’s call to protect that self-giving gift, is nothing to ridicule or trivialize or make fun of. It is a beautiful expression of love for God. A love that does not take lightly the dignity of another person. A love that, though yearning for union with another, will use this period abstinence to serve one’s brothers and sisters in Christ, in love; and to use that time to grow, in love, with the Father.

We are transformed in the waiting. BeautyBeyondBones, top recovery blogger. #faith #edrecovery

And once again, let me emphasize: I am certainly not judging choices other than virginity. I am simply sharing my faith on this. I am a small minority and I know it.

One thing I do know for sure, is this: we are all unconditionally loved by the Father. We are delighted in, and cherished, just as we are.

Be unapologetically you. - BeautyBeyondBones, top recovery blogger. #faith #edrecovery


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334 thoughts on “The Virgin Bachelor – A Virgin’s Perspective”

  1. But I am a little puzzled here. If he is a virgin, why is he going on a show where the women he will be meeting – and presumably choosing from are clearly not virgins and think his virginity is a joke. I don’t get it.

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  3. I’m disgusted too! I marvel, what would the response have been if the same ridicule occurred and the person in question was a female? Would there have been outrage? If any female were approached the same way, would it have been considered sexual harassment etc? There’s been another show where the 30ish woman wanted to find a relationship that lead to marriage and I sat stunned and mortified as man after man rejected her because she was a virgin! It spoke volumes to me and the conclusion of it was that none of them were worthy of her.
    What you are and have is rare and beautiful, elevating what that type of relationship is to the sacred station it was meant to be….not the dime store, garage sale type it’s so often become today.

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    1. Hi Laura, thank you so much for your thoughts on this. Yeah, if it were the reverse there’d be rioting in the streets. Thank you for your encouraging words. it means a lot. hugs xo

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  4. I’m glad there are still people who believe that God’s plan for sex inside marriage is a beautiful thing. People don’t realize how they distort sex and bring harm to themselves and others when they view sex as a sport. God designed it this way for a reason, and those who choose the biblical way should not be ashamed. One of the reasons I enjoy your blog is you are firm in your beliefs while being gracious and kind. Thank you!

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    1. Thank you Matthew, yes, I am definitely still one of those people! thanks for taking the time to read. big hugs xox

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  6. Hurray – someone brave enough to stand by their beliefs. You won’t regret it – regret comes with giving it away when the person wasn’t committed to you and you’re 17 and pregnant, that was my experience. Maybe your post can change that outcome for someone else.

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    1. Thank you so much for your encouraging words, and for sharing your story. Your story will be a blessing to someone else, too, and deserves to be told 💛 big big hugs to you friend xox

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  8. This is really sweet. I can’t see anything here to be offended by or to ridicule….even by people whose beliefs are different. There is so much pressure to be this, that or the other these days. It’s wonderful that You are solid in who You are and love/respect Yourself and Your womanhood the way You do. Happy You published! I agree with Your friend. You may well have given courage to some young women who are shy/embarrassed to be who they truly are! Cheers and rock on!!! 🙂

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    1. Hey again friend. Gosh I appreciate you being in my corner and for your wonderfully affirming words. It means the world. Hope you have a beautiful Tuesday! Hugs and love xox

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  9. I was just going to like this and move on, but I really appreciate that you wrote this. It’s very easy to just assume that the majority is right about something, and frankly, there aren’t a lot of logical reasons for abstinence, but there are very good doctrinal reasons and most of the time people just ignore that.

    I’m glad that you’re secure in your decision (and, of course, hope you’re happy in it, because I know that it’s not always easy) and pray that you continue to encourage others, both in this and in every other aspect of a Christ-centered life.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond!! Have a beautiful day! Hugs and love xox

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  12. Proud of you for addressing this. Taking your sexuality seriously is nothing to be ashamed of. Although I don’t watch the show, I feel the same way as you – its horrible how they are handling this. My prayer is that this guy, whether he is a believer or not, doesn’t let go of what is important. I hope he flips the tables and speaks into the lives of the women on the show to remind them they are worth SO MUCH MORE than being a conquest!

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  13. Well said here, friend, agree with you partly.
    Now, since my previous comment in your latest post, let me be congruent with my word and say it.
    Really dig the philosophy of “chose your choices,” some call it “pick your poison” and I can see how the reckless need to express sexual energy has gotten our planet and entire race into one of the heaviest burdens: overpopulation; and opening myself with my personal project for this year, Self-control.
    Yet, I really see no difference between losing our physical virginity and letting our minds be abused by unclean thoughts, dirty double meaning jokes and get repeatedly penetrated (for just one second, not even for three hours!) by ideas that have a deceiving agenda that’s not our well being, and are definitely not in accordance with truth, and choosing to stay put. I mean, how can we be sure the kid really IS a virgin and not playing a role like any payed actor looking for some momentary fame would? And please don’t tell me that’s not plausible, dear!
    Didn’t the Carpenter said something about looking the other way?
    How about being a TV virgin, how about that?
    Believe me you powerful, unstoppable woman, to be sharing only my truest faith with you here, spirit takes the same damage when we use our bodies to indulge in empty desires than when we let our minds get pregnant by deceit.

    -A

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    1. Hi A, wow you’re on a reading roll! thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and heart about this important topic. you definitely bring up a lot of powerful points here. I think you’re right, our minds and our bodies need to both align for sure. lots of great food for thought, thank you!! hugs xox

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  14. Just all the YES! I don’t watch it, and I won’t allow my girls to tune in either because, well I want them pursued rather than be the pursuer. Anyways, when my husband and I got married 20 years ago, we were virgins and a lot of people that we knew where shocked! One of the girls I waited tables with asked me “How will you know and he know that you’re good?” to which I replied, “If we have nothing to compare it to, then I think we’re going to be awesome.” I pray over our 4 kids purity everyday. You are awesome! Thanks for posting!!

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    1. thank you so much!!! I am so touched by your kind words. And i really appreciate you sharing your beautiful love story that you and your husband share. that gives me great hope! I will add your kids to my prayer list! sounds like they’ve got some pretty awesome parents to look up to!! hugs xox

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    1. Thank you so much Corrie, gosh, i am touched and humbled by your generous words. you’re right – we all have our perspectives.. that’s what make the world interesting to say the least! glad you stopped by! big hugs xox

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  17. The world needs more young women like you who stand up for living a life according to God’s word. I know it can’t be easy. It seems the expectation of dating is to make sex a part of the relationship from the beginning. I’ve been married 35 years to the best guy in the world. We were both virgins when we married in 1983 – even then many of my friends had sex before marriage. It was our faith that kept us on the right track and God has blessed our marriage tremendously. Keep God first, and keep posting great articles like this one.

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    1. Oh gosh, i am so touched by your generous words. Thank you friend. And wow – what a beautiful love story you and your husband share! thank you for sharing that with me. and congrats on 35 years! that’s really something to celebrate! hugs xox

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  19. I clicked the Like button on your post not because I liked it in the usual casual meaning of the word. I liked to affirm you and what you stand for. You are the voice of one crying in the wilderness. Your voice might be grating on some (many?) ears; but you are preparing the way for something (or Someone?) to burst upon the scene. Keep proclaiming.

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    1. Oh gosh that is so kind of you to say. I am truly touched. Thank you friend. I’m grateful for you 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  20. I don’t think he really needs people defending him. He knowingly put himself on one of the most insipid, banal television experiences of the modern age. Of COURSE the people are going to make fun of his virginity. I highly doubt he wasn’t prepared for that. Perhaps the pillows full of money he will be sleeping on will help him rest from all of the bullying. A lot of the more religious people I follow on WordPress are rallying to the defense of someone who IS BASICALLY TRYING TO LOSE HIS VIRGINITY ON LIVE TELEVISION. What a holy cause. Cue puking.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. Yeah he had to know going into it. And that’s a great point — I hope that’s not what this season is going to boil down to. hugs xox

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  22. I will admit, I consider The Bachelor my guilty pleasure as well lol! I had the same feelings okay annoyance when it came to the three hour premiere. I felt as if many of the girls are solely seeking to take his virginity and to me that is a little sickening. Your honestly and venerability is very inspiring to me. You go girl!
    Kenz

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  23. Thank you for this commentary & for sharing your story & how virginity is perceived in modern culture. I am in my 50’s in secular life and still carrying the V-card. In a world that is so obsessed with pigeonholing people by a sexual label (instead of looking at the person as a child of child) the person with a personal choice of reserving sexual activity for marriage is looked at like an anomaly. Like you said it’s not a choice for everyone but for those of us trying to live according to our faith it is a misunderstood choice. But it is our gift to give not the world’s to take. My life did not result in finding a suitable man to share my life with nor did life circumstances allow me to enter into religious life so here I am, a virgin outed who tries to tell Jesus every day that He is “my Lord and my Life.” Thank you again for this.

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    1. Thank you so much Tamara, for sharing your story! I think that’s really beautiful. God has designed your path just as it is! Think of all the lives you’re touching in your life, just by being you. “My Lord and my Life” – what a beautiful thing for Him to hear from you each day 🙂 thanks so much for sharing your heart. Hugs and love xox

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  26. This is completely and totally amazing! I personally take the same stance that you do, as in wanting to save my virginity for my husband, and I think it’s so cool to meet others that do the same. I’m on the verge of turning 18, so I still have some time to go (depending on the Lord’s guidance), but I want to encourage you, to keep this up! You are presenting a beautiful testimony to girls like me!

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    1. Hi Aubrey, thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your story. That’s so awesome that you’re in the same boat! And, gosh, thank you for that encouragement! sending you big big hugs!!

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  27. This show is not in the UK, and I expect it would generate even more perplexity, as the Christian movement here is so much smaller..it is odd that people do not see the connection between sexual chaos and the mistreatment of women. but note, this has been a problem that’s grown over many years, certainly since WW2 (yes, since then, if not earlier in USA).

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    1. Thank you so much Bill. I know – there really Is such a correlation. It lines up with the emergence of contraception too. Very sad. So glad you stopped by. Hugs and love xox

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  28. Well said. Though I am not a ‘Bachelor’ show fan, I am rather disgusted by what would seem to be reverse sexual harassment … in this day and age of #metoo , the behaviors and message you shared from the show are quite disappointing. And, in regard to your own sharing, it is brave, my dear, sweet lady.
    Carole

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    1. Thank you so much Carole! Yeah disappointing for sure. I appreciate you taking the time to read! Hugs and love xox

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  29. I love this post and I am grateful you stepped out in faith and posted it! I am learning to trust God too, and sometimes it is scary, but one thing I am learning is that God is always with us and if we continue to seek him first, he will guide us. We can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us. Radically trust! Blessings to you.

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  30. I have a different perspective about the new season of Bachelor. I don’t watch it…never have…never will. Being a virgin is a wonderful thing. It is what God desires for all of his children despite what most people think. It is ridiculous that Colton is being ridiculed for it. However, what do you expect from this type of show? In past seasons the show has centered around sex so why would this season be any different?
    I’ll be glad when Christians make a stand and stop fooling around with “reality” television altogether. It never in any way makes us look as a light unto the world like we’re supposed to be.
    According to the word of God, we are NOT OF THIS WORLD and I pray we would really begin to understand that.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this! Those are so really great point. And amen to that : not of this world! Hugs and love xox

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  32. I am baffled by why young Christians watch such trash? Why take it all those negative messages? Why support such hedonism? You say that the “entire country” is making fun of a man’s values, but, truthfully, I had no idea this any of this was happening because I did not choose to spend 3 hours watching.

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