Am I Dating My Phone???

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I’m going to be really honest: dating right now, as a single, young adult, in the era of dating apps, Instagram stories, egg freezing and ghosting…it royally sucks.

Call me old fashioned, call me out of touch, but the hookup culture is the worst.

Nevermind the fact that I’m a Christian — and a virgin — the whole thing is a nightmare. 

And so this Valentine’s Day, since I will be celebrating with my other fed-up, single and beautiful twenty-something gal pals, I thought I’d highlight a few quick grievances about the infuriating games that are played by those in the dating field.

Because a wise friend once told me: NOTHING REAL STARTS WITH A GAME.

Amen.

First: The Texting Game

Somewhere between the death of AOL Instant Messenger and the rise and fall of Snapchat, dating singles have decided that when corresponding with a potential love interest, one must never respond to a text promptly. As in: a guy texts you at 6:00pm, you have to wait until at least 7:05pm to respond, so as not to look desperate, clingy, or too available. And then, depending on how quickly he responds, you divide that amount of time in half to determine when you can reply to his next incoming message.

Yeah – if that sounds insane…that’s because…IT IS.

And it is exhausting.

Second: The “Who Can Care Less” Game

This game is particularly hurtful, because you’re reinforcing a barrier between you and the other person. At least for me – and I think I can speak for a fair number of women – we don’t ever want to come off as “clingy.” I mean – hello: Watch How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and you’ll see Kate Hudson’s character “switch” to a stereotypical “nightmare girlfriend” that is needy, irrational, and clingy, complete with a love fern. A stereotype that is sure to “Lose a Guy” and a stereotype that I try to avoid like the plague.

And guys, on the other hand – they’re afraid of putting their heart on the line and getting hurt.

So we both play this game of “who cares the least.”

Oh you want to cancel last minute? Sure, no biggie. Just date casually and not prioritize our relationship? Oh, I don’t care.

I call BS on all of it. That chicken *crap* behavior becomes some sort of sick competition and it just delays actually getting to know one another and moving the relationship forward.

Third: The Instagram Story Game

Ugh – this one is most annoying. And one that I am recently super guilty of. And this consists of posting an Instagram Story (a public, disappearing photo or video that is only visible for 24 hours) that documents that a) you were out on the town. b) Having fun. c) Looking cute. And d) Certainly not caring that he didn’t call, and/or that you’re having a fabulous life without him.

It’s basically to say, Look, I’m not on my couch eating takeout by myself, and in fact, I’m super fun and datable. 

And this is also incredibly exhausting. My friends and I were laughing last Saturday, because instead of engaging with each other, having fun – we were all figuring out what and how to post our evening on Instagram Story.

ENOUGH!

Lastly, The Ghosting Game.

Ghosting: the art of simply vanishing from a text conversation, or a budding relationship, without notice, warning, or saying goodbye, and never to be heard from again.

This despicable and rude practice has been made possible because dating apps and the switch to “text-only” communication — it has completely erased any trace of accountability.

You can cancel plans, you can wait to see if there’s a better offer, you can avoid – or ignore – or be super flakey or last minute, all thanks to the impersonal nature of the way we correspond now a days.

And frankly it sucks.

All this to say: the current dating scene is not a hopeless situation. I truly believe that, and that’s coming from a virgin who’s had to turn down more lame, “Let’s get out of here” lines than I can count.

Yeah, there are a lot of frogs out there. But there are also a lot of good ones, too. And I, for one, haven’t given up on finding my prince.

If you take one thing away from this piece: it’s to leave the games behind, and operate from place of respect. Or put simply: treat the other person the way you would want to be treated.

Plain and simple.

So Happy Valentine’s Day, my special friends.

Consider this a box of Godiva Chocolates from me to you 🙂


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251 thoughts on “Am I Dating My Phone???”

  2. This is beautifully spoken and I love the fact that it comes from someone of your age. This is not to say anything bad about your age, I promise. I applaude you for being the age you are and so in touch with reality. I only mean that you have grown up with this type of engagement being the norm and it is refreshing to see someone who is from the text generation to call for it to stop. Thank you for sharing.

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  3. I know you’re probably younger than my youngest child and I’m only slightly younger than Moses, but I feel sorry for you and the world you’re living in. I’ve thought that if something, Heaven forbid, should happen to my wife, would I ever date, and the answer is no. Of course, I’m approaching 65, I have children and grandchildren, so things are different for me, but it just seems the age of getting to know a person the way my wife and I did back in the day, has become so foreign. I don’t know how God could permit His people to suffer such a fate. I can only pray He will send you a Godly man who will be a good husband to you and a good father to your children. But I’m only a man. May God grant you His grace and kindness.

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  5. Wonderful article, 100% agree. Although, I would not give up, there are some wonderful people looking for their second half as well, using date apps, web site and other tools. Lots my friends got married and are very very happy! I wish you Good Luck! 🙏🏻✨

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    1. aw thank you so much! That is best case scenario, honestly – friend of a friend. So…if you know anyone 🙂 😉 😉 hehe jk jk hugs and happy valentines day! xxo

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  7. I’m right there with you, sister! Just keep reminding yourself that you are enough with or without a man, and the right one will be worth all of the nonsense you faced before him♥️

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  8. I have to say the last sentence sums it up. I’m going to 48 in April. For the me “the game” has sucked even before phones. If people would be honest, but polite it would be less painful for all involved. Men should treat women with respect, but women should realize that men have feelings as well. We’re all human beings at the end of the day, That’s what is lost. Especially as get older, it becomes too much like a business deal. Everyone is too worried about what the other brings to the table instead of the quality of the person. Don’t even get me started on the physical. While it shouldn’t be a complete mis-match, guys can’t all have six pack bas and women can’t all look like Barbie dolls.

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  9. Happy Valentines Day to one of the sweetest ladies! Someday your prince will come, you can tell I’m a Disney fan, and for my hubby and I together forever, 5 kids and all we just don;t​ think this day is such a big deal

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  11. Not only did I “give up” on finding the illusive Prince, but I trained myself to not care anymore. There’s this saying I read somewhere “losing all hope was freedom” I can’t begin to express how true it is. I get that it’s not for everyone, but if you’re able to delete the need to find someone all together, life can become quite magical and weightless.

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    2. Sorry that sent too soon! I definitely am keeping hope alive but I definitely understand that freedom!! Hugs and love xox

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    3. Losing all hope was freedom-that is AWESOME! For me, it’s the state of the world that is driving me insane, as I teeter on the edge of losing all hope. Maybe I need to just let go!

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  12. You are doing it all the right and honorable way and you will be rewarded. I pray my daughter (14 now) as she matures has the same dignity, purity and love that you display. You are as role model for so many, don’t ever doubt it. God bless you!

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    1. Thank you Mark, I really appreciate that. Gosh what a kind thing to say!! I am seriously so touched by that!! Happy valEntines day!! Hugs and love xox

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  13. I completely agree, and I hate the games. The last guy I liked (and I don’t like him anymore) made me feel as if I was being clingy simply because I wanted to hear from him once every two days or so. He said, “It’s not my fault that you’re always available on facebook,” which made me feel ashamed of always being on facebook. (I’m a novelist, so I usually keep my FB tab open while I’m writing.) So I told him that he hurt my feelings, and he said, “I was just making an innocuous observation about your internet habits.” Yeah.

    I like to hope that our Mr. Rights will appreciate us for exactly who we are, and not for some ridiculous ideal of perfection, aka unavailability. Great post!

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    1. Thank you Meg, yeah the games have got. To. Go! Aw I’m so sorry to hear that. Ugh. Not cool. You deserve better than that! He’s out there!! Hugs and love xox

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  15. I’m not single, though I certainly worry about the future for my now 12 year old daughter (not yet but before I know it! 🙂 ) but I particularly don’t understand ghosting. I’ve heard about people doing it in many settings, including professional. How difficult is it to be nice, if not simply polite?

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  18. Amen sister.

    I’m my humble ministry, I ask many Christians this simple question:

    Can one have the benefits of marriage and NOT be married?

    And if they reply “yes”, I then ask them:

    So then is it possible that one can have the benefits of the Holy Spirit yet NOT have the Holy Spirit?

    Matthew 5:45
    “. . He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”

    Many of these “games” you speak of are the product of our inability to make a commitment first to God and it then manifests in our lives, relationships, jobs, etc.

    Commitment is truly scary. And why commit to anything when you have the benefits of commitment?

    Who wants to be locked into anything? And how do you know if he or she is the one?

    Well, my pastor reminds us that God is always our “One” and our spouse, always our Two.
    And the “just” always lives by faith.

    Commitment for me is simply defined by Hosea 6:6 NLT,
    “I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings.”

    And on that I close and agree with you sister that the “games” need to end and that we all should desire to mature, to truly know God and one another as we are fully known by God.

    Don’t just settle for the benefits of love and lack spiritual intimacy.

    Don’t stay numb forever, allow yourself to fall in love again. If it broke your heart once, then you know you did it for the right reason. Life and love is truly about being very vulnerable.

    In the blessed name of Jesus Christ, our commited husband as we are His committed Bride.

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    1. Thank you so much Ray. That is such a powerful question to consider. I love this response so much! Hugs and love xox

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  19. This happens to be one of the main reasons im still single. It’s like if you met someone online it’s constant phone tag and usually it’s to the point where either they’ll stop talking or don’t talk or ask you to use a different site. That or they ask for your phone number and I’m thinking they’re a scammer.

    I’m really lousy in person, practically to the point where I don’t bother trying. Then I got people at work trying to set me up with someone like I’m going to date someone I work with let alone most likely they live 30 something miles from where I work because it’s a pretty good job worth commuting that far, into the city
    I live in the suburbs because it’s way cheaper and less traffic so its easier to just drive out there.

    I don’t make friends so easily so relationships are a nada. I am a likeable person but I’m pretty socially awkward and being an introvert just makes it more difficult. And surprisingly I’m ok with that. One day things may change so good luck in your search.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. The right person is out there for both you and I! I fully believe that! Take heart, friend! You deserve love! Hugs and love xox

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    1. Happy Valentine’s Day Steve! Aw thank you so much 🙂 and what a kind thing to say. Grateful for you 🙂 hugs xox

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  22. “Searching” for someone you can love, is not significantly different from searching for the Holy Grail… both are frustrating and pointless.

    I only “found” the loves in my life after I intentionally stopped “searching” for them and instead focused on being present and celebrating who I was on a daily basis.
    Until such happened, my journey was littered with the debris of trial & errors which; albeit informative, were equally demoralizing and counterproductive.

    But once I let go of the insane desire to “control” outcomes; in God’s perfect time, He made the people that were to become my life partners cross my path, gave me the discernment to reach out to them and allowed His magic to flow and root the relationships.

    He gives abundantly to those who are ready and He takes away for His own good reasons…

    Such is my eventual conclusion since my life partner unexpectedly died some time ago and He left me still here taking space.
    Thus, I am once again caught in the “pull & tug” between celebrating myself within this situation and the desire to have someone I can talk, love, kiss and hold hands with.

    It is a daily struggle to “let go and let God”…

    But I know that He is a God of Relationships and Love… that He did not create us to be isolated islands in a stormy sea.

    Give yourself and Him time.
    w/Love… JP

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  23. Happy Valentine’s Day my beautiful friend 😍 xx. “dating”/”going out with” someone seems a lot less simple to me nowadays, I don’t want to go on meaningless dates I just want to find the one, someone who I know I’ll spend a great deal of time with. Anything else just seems pointless. Being 30 and single actually sucks even if I pretend otherwise.

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    1. Thanks so much Benny! Happy Valentines day!! yeah, meaningless date stink, for sure. let’s get to the real real! hugs xo

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  24. I’m shaking my head, bewildered at what young people have to go through these days. We live in a consulted society.

    For example, I felt good the first time I heard say at a hotel say, “it’s my pleasure” in response to my thanks for some service. Then I noticed hearing it from everybody else there. Soon, it became the universal, stock, meaningless line due to overuse and insincerity. Why do they all say it?

    Consultants.

    Your apps are your consultants. They tell you what the games are and how to play, and the young blindly follow, because no one else is talking. No one is thinking for himself or herself. Perhaps it’s because no one has taken the time to know themselves.

    Shakespeare isn’t scripture, but his wisdom is virtually biblical. He says through Hamlet’s Polonius, “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

    Be true, be honest to oneself. There’s the center of it. Do that and all other actions flow from honesty. All other actions are honest. Following the app crowd could be no further from the truth.

    Be standout, my friend. Leave it behind and just be you. I think you perhaps write better than you live sometimes…just as I know I do! I want to encourage you to leave it all behind. Be a split personality; in every situation, ask yourself what your alter ego, BBB, would do. What advice would she give you? Be your own “Dear Abby.”

    BBB wrote a pretty good article tonight, Caralyn. Read it. I know you wrote it, but did you READ it? Will you follow BBB’s advice? Be your own consultant the next time you whip out your phone. Don’t open an app; read one of the top ED bloggers in the world. She does pretty well.

    Stand apart. You’ll be noticed just for being different instead of being lost as a mere dot in the crowd.

    As always, offered with plenty of love and hugs!!

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    1. oh my gosh Jeff, this was so enlightening. thank you so much for this awesome perspective and eye opening response. shucks, thanks for saying that. you’re right though – stand apart. to thine own self be true. And that’s so true – I’ve got to let my BBB-ness come through in my day to day. Hope you and Julie are having a lovely Valentines Day! big hugs to you both! xox

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  26. Hi, Sis!! 🙂 You know what? You’ve made great points in your article here: About the whole dating game nowadays… period. Lol. I agree with you that there are some awesome men out here, but it does suck to come across those that we deem “unqualified” in our books. Besides having to deal with a few guys giving off a few fake profile on an app, but just trying to talk to a gentleman in our neighborhood has felt like ‘trying to find a needle in a haystack’ for me, girl. So, at least my phone has some nice emoticons, play some nice music, and play an enjoyable video that I really would love to watch. 🙂 It’s just that being in a relationship nowadays just doesn’t feel “necessary” based on our experiences. I enjoy being single… and I enjoy being me! 🙂 Happy Valentine’s Day too.

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    1. hey there friend! Thanks so much for this awesome perspective! I’m so glad you’re enjoying the single life! you’ve given me a lot to think about. thanks! hugs xox

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  27. Loved your post, Caralyn! Games are too frustrating to give place too.
    So glad God doesn’t play games with us, and gives Himself as a prefect example of what to wait for in His being our first love. He can be trusted.
    Happy Valentines Day! Me and God love you! ❤

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    1. Hey there Gail! aw, thank you so much. You’re so right – He can absolutely be trusted and is our first love. Amen!!! thanks for this awesome reminder. big hugs xox

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  28. Hi Caralyn…. Awesome Post!! I somehow feel it just does not happen in dating experiences it also happens with friends too… I have had & still go through the same list of experiences with acquaintances…. sooo tiring… u have put it soo well in words… I just cannot agree more… ❤

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  32. Caralyn, your openness and honesty are refreshing. Computer apps don’t evoke honesty. The best is to talk it over with God and listen to his response. Wait on him and follow his directions. He wants your best and will direct your steps as you listen. Love and hugs!

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    1. Oh gosh thank you so much. You’re so right – there is power in prayer! And His direction is the best! Hugs and love xox

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  40. I do feel for your (my children’s) generation, it’s a nightmare trying to find honesty and truth, and even old fashioned good manners, in today’s morass of social media. But I’m not going to bang on about how much better it was in the ‘olden days’ because I think it’s in human nature to play these love games. You’ll find all sorts of shenanigans in Shakespeare’s comedies and they didn’t even have phones then, far less mobiles! I well remember in the 1970’s waiting for hours – days – by the phone because you had to wait for him to phone you, couldn’t just pick up the phone and call him. AND we had to wait in! No such thing as a mobile that you could just take with you everywhere. Plus ca change!

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    1. Thanks friend. I know! Where are the manners! Haha you’re so right about Shakespeare. Clearly this is a tale as old as time! Wow – what a difference s cell phone makes! Hugs and love xox

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  41. Awesome post Caralyn. I couldn’t agree more. Dating alone is a daunting experience and now even more so.
    I would say that you’ve had a far better dating life than me and its easy to see why.. You’re Gorgeous.

    A few years ago, someone posted a picture on social media, “Describe your love life in a movie title.” My brother wrote, “Gone with the Wind.” I wrote, “40 year old virgin.” A play on a seemingly ever increasing possibility.

    X number of years on Tinder and no a single match. Bumble the same. Meeting someone in a bar or social setting hasn’t worked out and I grow increasingly aware that my ethnic background / skin color is a severe handicap.
    I keep thinking that the only girl who would be interested in me is a whale with a face of boiled horse and the personality of a pineapple. Haven’t met her yet either.

    There is hope on the horizon. To be fair at this point, my dating life is partly like a season of “The Bachelor” and I could use some advise… Intrigued?..

    Dating – What am I looking for?

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    1. Thanks so much friend. You’re kind to say that. Yeah I hear ya – there are much better ways than dating apps out there. And yes! Hope!! Hugs and love xox

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      1. It’s the truth Caralyn… You’re Gorgeous. It’s a fact you’re just gonna have to live with.. LOL.

        Recently was listening a female colleague who told me that she had just gotten out of a bad relationship. I don’t know why she felt the need to tell me that since we had only met for the first time a few seconds earlier.

        We got to talking and asked whether I was seeing someone. I said no and then I said something pretty interesting. “Girls don’t like nice guys.”
        And she replied.. “Yup.. We girls do like the bad boys.”

        Makes me wonder why.. Why is it that girls never give the nice guy a chance? Whenever someone is sweet, caring, etc., girls always puts him in the “friend zone” and forgets about him.

        Maybe Caralyn, if you think about it, probably you have already met your prince and like so often the case, you’ve “Friend Zoned” him. #JustSaying

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  42. Wow! So complicated!! I’m too old and married to fully appreciate everything you are saying. But I will put the sharing to good general use by improving my phone etiquette. Great post!!

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  44. I think that you are awesome. Your commitment to God and to yourself is amazing. I know that it has not always been easy. Grace and Peace to you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ!

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  45. You’re so smart!!! Happy Valentine’s Day! He’s out there and it’s going to be FANTABULOUS when the time is right for Y’all to meet. I am so happy I’m not dating anymore. I’ve a wonderful guy! All my single/wanting to date friends are going through everything You talk about. It’s completely ridiculous! Cheers and Rock on!!! 🙂

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  46. Being single (I know, I know, I wasn’t single “that” long…but boy did it ever feel like a million years!) is so hard. Waiting on God’s timing is so hard. And as someone else stated already, the minute “I” stopped looking, my husband walked onto the scene. (He was/is a friend of my cousin) Keep doing your best to be mindful of God’s will and focus on being authentically you. I admit that I wasn’t doing either of those things, but in retrospect, wish I had spent more time becoming the person God wants me to be. Of course, it’s NEVER too late and is something I am working on (aren’t we all? 🙂 ) God has a plan for your life. Your plan is different from my plan and different from everyone you pass on the street. He will fulfill everything He wants for your life. Keep your chin up, keep praying, and know that God wants only the best for you. Your prince is out there and will come when it is time. Until then, keep pouring your heart out, we are all listening. God Bless!

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    1. Thank you so much for this encipherment. You’re so right – waiting is difficult, but God’s timing is totally worth the wait!! I really needed to read that this morning. Thank you! Hugs and love xox

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  48. There was a dating expert on The News Hour of all shows last night. He said this may actually be the best dating field that has ever existed. His premise was an individual who knows how to interact on the human “platform” (as opposed to social media) will stand out like a prince or princess. 🙂 God bless you for living by His standard, Caralyn!

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  49. Ugh… Falling somewhere between Gen X and Millenials, I think I gravitate more toward an old fashioned mindset when it comes to dating. I’ve never been comfortable with dating apps. I’m not sure I’ve ever even gotten on board with online dating. But I have embraced texting because it allows me to be fully introverted and talk on the phone without actually having to talk on the phone. But I, too, hate the texting game that accompanies potential relationships. The only reason I don’t respond to texts nearly immediately is if I’m genuinely busy and can’t take the time to type out a well thought out reply or if I just got a message from someone I don’t want to talk to. If I get a text from a woman that I’m excited to hear from, she’s gonna know I’m excited to hear from her. Which, apparently, is a turn off… I guess. Oh well, here’s to being single well into my 40s!

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    1. Thanks friend 🙂 yeah the games are exhausting! The right ones are out there for both of us! I have hope! Hugs and love xox

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