White Knuckle Prayer

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

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Boy, do I have a story for you.

I had one of those “my-life-flashed-before-my-eyes” moments for the second time in my life last week.

The first, was when I witnessed my mom have a stroke. To say that episode was traumatic would be the understatement of the year. Watching my dad carry my lifeless mother — Marissa Cooper style — into the emergency room, that does something to you.

But this most recent experience last week was on a flight back into New York from Ohio.

Now, before I begin, allow me to set the stage quickly.

First: I am in zero way, shape, or form a “skiddish flier.” I’ve been flying since I was an infant, and I love it. I’m not afraid of heights. Heck, I’m one of those weirdos that actually enjoys turbulence.

And secondly — this flight was during that freak pop-up Nor’Easter that pummeled the east coast last Wednesday night with 50 mph winds. Yeah — I was flying in that.

Our flight was delayed for 3 hours, waiting for the weather to clear. And it never did, but they decided that, it was 11pm, they had to get the flight out, so we took off knowing full well that we were flying into a major storm.

The beginning of the flight was fine, but once we got into the New York area, conditions deteriorated, rapidly.

We tried to make the initial descent, only to have to come back up above the storm and circle for 45 minutes, because it was too windy and gusty. Laguardia Airport wasn’t letting anyone land. Meanwhile, our plane was being effortlessly tossed in the wind, slanting this way and that, up and then a huge drop.

Finally, after an hour of circling — and it being after 1am — they decided to go for the landing.

When I say it was terrifying, I mean — terrifying. The plane was dead silent — you could literally feel everyone holding their breath and gripping the armrests. All you could hear was the howling wind and the constant creaking of the plane as it took on the pounding wind.

You could feel the plane itself being blown this way and that, being shifted through the air, and then the pilot trying to correct and get it back level and on course.

It was the longest, most horrifying 20 minutes of my life as we fought mother nature back to the ground.

I mean, there were moments when I thought that this was it for me. I was literally preparing my heart to meet God. And it was at this moment, that my life flashed before my eyes, and I saw all the moments and milestones I had yet to experience.

During those paralyzing 20 minutes, I was praying prayers of desperation. It was literally the only thing I could do to stay sane. Pleading, begging, desperately willing God to just let the plane land safely. Please God. Please God.

Well, spoiler alert, we did land safely, by the grace of God. And when we did, the entire plane collectively let out an audible sigh of relief, and in fact, literally everyone erupted into “Thank-God-we-didn’t-die” applause. Myself included, and I am not a “plane clapper.”

Fast forward to a few days later, it’s Sunday now, and I was sitting at Mass, and I realized something:

My prayer life needs a lot of work.

I realized that my “white-knuckle prayer” on the plane that evening — it was really the first genuine prayer I’ve had in a while. At least, the first one with any real emotion attached.

And that really convicted me.

Why did it take a near-death-experience for me to reach out to God?

Prayer is something that, I guess you could say, doesn’t come easily for me. Because it involves opening my heart. Becoming vulnerable. Inviting honesty. Taking a hard look in the mirror of self-evaluation and a sobering reality check. And that’s — uncomfortable. For a lot of reasons.

I think sometimes we’d rather live in ignorant bliss than come to a hard stop and look truth in the face.

But also, to pray is to invite a relationship. It involves opening up my heart to receive His love. And that is particularly hard.

Sitting in church that night, here’s what I got — and take this from a girl who doesn’t know what she’s doing, and is just trying to figure things out one day at a time:

God just wants to be close to me. He’s my Father – truly. And so He just wants to be part of my life. He wants a relationship.

I don’t want to be the type of daughter that just contacts Him when I need something, or for Him to…I don’t know…save my life and make a plane land safely. He’s not a cosmic vending machine.

No. I need to start making the effort to invite Him into my daily life. Saying good morning. Thanking Him for the tremendous blessings — big and small — that I have grown accustomed to taking for granted. I need to acknowledge my shortcomings, and apologize for the times when I chose the wrong course of action.

I need to share with Him my joys and my fears. My triumphs and areas of work.

And then make an even more concerted effort to listen.

I think there’s so much expectation and complication tied up around how prayer is supposed to look and — perhaps more — how it’s supposed to feel. And as a result, there’s an approach avoidance to it.

It doesn’t need to be that way.

When we show up, even in just the teeniest-tiniest way…God does too.

This week, I’m going to really try to focus on just talking to God like a friend. Because, that’s exactly what He is.

“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

187 thoughts on “White Knuckle Prayer”

  1. Thanks be to God for safe landings! I know your story will encourage others as it has me. God has been showing me a lot about my prayer life, too. He has used the dire circumstances of several people I love to bring me to my knees. You’re right, he just wants to spend time with us. Isn’t that amazing? The God of the universe loves me, wants time with me, and is my father. Wow!

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    1. Thank you Bonnie! Yes! Thanks be to God!!!! so glad this resonated with you. amen — He just wants to spend time with us! what a powerful truth! hugs xox

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  2. One of my brothers in Christ said just last night, “I’m great at praying for others but I rarely pray for myself.” I think all Christians need to pray for strength, faith, contentment, etc. in ourselves (as well as for others). God doesn’t mind His children praying for personal blessings because, being the Good Father He is, He loves us.

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  4. This was fun to read as I am about to board a plane! I find myself in a similar spot regarding prayer time. Thanks for reminding me that no matter how “together” we think we are, or others are, that we still need to be still and know. To foster that connection. And wow, do things improve when I remember that! Thanks for your vulnerability!

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    1. Thank you so much!! haha oh gosh! sorry about that! amen – be still and know – that’s one of the best little one liners from the Bible!! big hugs to you xox

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  6. Well said. One picture of Jesus is where he is standing at the door, knocking. Of course, one realizes that the door opens inwards. It is only as we choose to open the door that real communication can begin. God bless you on your journey!

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    1. Thank you so much Mary Lou! amen to that – when we open the door, we can begin that beautiful communication!! 🙂 thank you for that powerful visual! big hugs xo

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  7. Excellent post! I’m glad all is well, in more ways than one 😉 Just remember that He already knows, before you bring it to Him. He delights in you & the conversation.

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    1. Thank you so much, A! I’m so glad this resonated with you! that is such a powerful truth — He already knows!! big hugs to you xox

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  8. I think prayer is something most struggle with. Our church has now started a time of prayer on Monday nights from 6 to 7. We have a “prayer wall” where we are encouraging people to list any prayer requests they might have – and trying to encourage prayer – not only for ourselves but for our church, our community, our nation.

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    1. Oh wow that’s so cool that your church is doing that!! I love that idea!! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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    1. Thanks Maz! Yeah it was a nerve wracking experience for sure. Thanks so much 🙂 same! Hope you’re having a great week! Hugs and love xox

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  10. You described your experience so well, I felt as if I’d experienced your plane saga right alongside you. God is good and I’m glad to hear you are safe.
    If you or any of your readers are looking for a book to help you build a meaningful and consistent prayer life, may I recommend Petitions From My Heart by Carol E Hind? It’s available at Amazon.

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    1. I really have no idea!! But it makes sense, you know? LIke — it’s a literal miracle – i get the sentiment to clap haha

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  12. Oh my! I don’t think I’d have survived what was the eventual safe landing. I hate flying and the turbulence which often goes with it. I make myself fly because if I don’t fly then I don’t see the world. I wonder if in some ways this was a test for you as there are always choices during these types of occurrences and you chose to speak to God and obviously felt comforted by it. Many others may have made radically different decisions I.e panic, aggression, etc.I’m very glad you’re still with us 🙂 and I hope your Mom is doing ok – it’s very late here so I’ve not read every comment so I’m sorry if I’m repeating a question you’ve already answered x

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    1. Hi Nat! Thank you for your kind words! Yeah, it was pretty terrifying for sure. And thanks for that – my mom, praise God, made a full recovery! We are so grateful! hugs xox

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  15. I was stunned at the verse you chose for the end of this post! Wow. I’m not sure where God is going (at all!) but it has to be somewhere VERY good. Thank you so much for this confirming “word”, I loved this post! Molly

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    1. thank you so much Molly, that’s kind of you to say. Yes! i love that verse so much — it literally changed my life and was the source of my recovery from anorexia. I try to recall it every morning! hugs xo

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  16. What a relief making it out okay! God is good all the time!
    My pastors wife went through something similar and shared these powerful words with us. It was along the lines of [I know your plan is bigger than mine. I know this is not where it ends because you have placed a calling on my life to make a change that isn’t stopping on this flight]

    Thanks for sharing!! You have a powerful testimony

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    1. thank you so much Michael! Yes, He really is! And wow – what a powerful and comforting thought process. thanks for sharing that — 🙂 hugs xox

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  19. First, I’m glad you got down safely! I’ve had a couple of those. One was bad enough that the grandma next to me shouted the F-bomb and then slapped her hand over her mouth.

    “Don’t worry ma’am. You just said what everyone else was thinking.”

    “Cosmic vending machine.” Perfect!

    Here’s a secret – just between you and me…on your public blog. I’d kept a prayer list since grad school but stopped using it about a year ago. People I’d been praying for I hadn’t seen in a very long time, but I thought it silly to not pray for them anyway. My prayer life now is more like situational. See an ambulance? Pray for their well-being. Suddenly remember all the great things He’s done? Prayer of thanksgiving. Point is, I’m extremely irregular. Maybe this storm was your “return to Jesus” moment.

    “I haven’t heard from Caralyn for a while. I think I’ll slap her plane around a little.”

    I had a close call this week; my “plane” got slapped around a bit too. But here’s the thing; when God “rang” your plane, you answered. I’m sure He was glad you “picked up!” I like your goal to just start talking to Him like a friend. See a beautiful mountain? “Nice work, God!” Feeling lonely in your apartment? Look at the chair; He’s sitting there waiting for you to say something. Talk to Him there, if that helps. Kinda like playing to the camera, right?

    Well, I’ve got to get back to work. I hope you found something useful here. As ever…

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    1. Thanks Jeff! Thanks for sharing that – yeah i think Jesus takes irregularity and all. I think us just happy to have us including Him i our lives, no matter the regular ness of it. Hahha slap the plane around – you know you might be into something there. And for that I apologize to my fellow passengers! Hahah oh gosh I’m sorry to hear that you had a close call this week – I hope everything is okay. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers 💛 glad you stopped by Jeff. You always give me great nuggets of wisdom!! Hugs to you and your girls! Xox

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      2. 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼🙌🏼

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  20. God brought your plane with its dedicated crew and grace-filled passengers to safety. Thanks be to God! May you continue to reach out to God with a prayer-filled relationship. He truly desires to have you walking with Him in prayer.

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  23. Thank you for your like on my post “Who’s your Daddy.” I really enjoyed checking out your blog and will follow. I wrote my book because I struggled trying to understand how to build my personal relationship with God. I searched every different church I could think of to learn all I could about God and found out that every church has value in the Kingdom of God. But God is closer to us than our church, He lives within us and He can speak to us at any moment of our life. He has great plans for you and your life. You are already making a positive and Godly impact in people through your blog. My book was written to inform and encourage. God is not through with our nation and needs people like you in His spiritual army. I am proud to call you my sister in Christ and will keep you in my prayers as you travel and share your life.

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  25. I am thankful to God for caring for you during your flight. Thank you for writing this honest blog. We have to stay close to the feet of Jesus at all times. You are such a remarkable woman and continue to glorify God.

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