The Plight of a People Pleaser

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

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Ohhh friends, I’m writing this with a huge pit in my stomach. Oof.

I learned a really hard lesson this weekend.

One that, well…left a bit of a wake of turmoil — that sadly, involved more than just me.

If I have one tragic flaw in this life — and let’s be real, I have many — but my greatest, and most fog-horn-in-the-night, blatantly obvious weak spot is that I am a people pleaser to my absolute core.

A bend over backwards, don’t rock the boat, please – allow me to give you my other cheek to slap — people pleasing addiction.

It played a huge role in my development of anorexia: as I believed my worth was performance based. (I can thank my child actor roots for that).

But one of the ways it has continued to manifest is that I absolutely hate disappointing people.

I despise it. I will do anything and everything to avoid letting people down. Including, to my detriment, avoiding conflict at any and all cost.

And well…that finally caught up to me this weekend.

Uuugh.

I mean, I’ve shared about this before. I had two bouquets of roses rotting in my apartment for weeks, because I didn’t face the music right away.

And fast forward the clock another month, and I find myself in another situation where my people pleasing tendencies have actually resulted in someone else being pretty hurt by my lack of honesty.

Long story short, I ran into an old “flame” and because of my lack of backbone and unwillingness to upset anyone, I agreed to go on a date this week, even though I did not want to.

Anyway – yesterday, when he followed up about the date, I had to tell this terrific, upstanding, gentleman that I just wanted to be friends. And not only that — but that I have feelings for someone else. Ouch.

Ughhhh. My stomach is dropping just thinking about it.

I was then consequently “unfollowed” on social media, and not given a response.

And yeah, I deserved that.

But I was talking with my parents about it, and — of course — they were dropping all the wisdom on me.

Truth hurts but it is better sooner rather than later.

My dad is absolutely right. By avoiding dealing with this situation, I ended up making matters worse, and actually making it harder in the end.

Even though for me, during those weeks the situation was out-of-sight-out-of-mind, for the other party involved, there were emotions being invested, hopes being drummed up — and that was not fair to him.

I was a coward. Because I didn’t want to disappoint him.

Unfortunately, I can’t say this is the first – or second, or fifth – time this has happened.

You’d think I’d have learned by now. And every time, I sit with this gut-punch, I’m-a-horrible-person feeling in my stomach, and vow never to do it again.

But then, the moment arises when I should really speak with honesty, and deliver some tough news, and I revert back to the same terrible habits, and actually hurt the other person in the process.

Honesty is the only thing that’s right.

Ding. Ding. Ding. My mother, as per use, is right on the money. We are called to “speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ.” Eph 4:15.

A task that is easier said than done.

“Honesty is always the best policy.” My parents drilled that into my head since I was a child. Honesty, when spoken gently, is kind. It is empowering. It is freeing. And it follows Christ’s example.

I wasn’t always this cowardly…

I remember one time in high school, this sweet guy had a crush on me, and I wasn’t interested. And it was after one of my soccer games — which he had come to see — and he was waiting for me after the game and tried to give me a big hug, and I literally stopped him, stuck out my hand and said, “I’m flattered, but a handshake will do.”

Talk about SAVAGE!

But actually, it wasn’t. In that moment, sure it was a little awkward, but he got the message loud and clear, and was able to move forward and invest his emotional energy elsewhere.

But more than that, I stood up for my feelings and advocated for myself.

I’m not a little girl anymore. I can’t write off these communication errors as “cute” or “excusable” any longer.

I am a strong woman. I am capable of honest, intentional dialogue, that yeah — may disappoint people. But in the end, it is better to be honest now, than to have to deal with a complicated and completely-avoidable emotional mess later.

So, to the man I hurt, I want to apologize. Again.

I need to start practicing honest communication. Because I can’t please everyone. And trying to do so, only ends up hurting everyone involved — ironic, isn’t it?

“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5

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223 thoughts on “The Plight of a People Pleaser”

  1. Fellow Enneagram 2 here…relationships are everything to us. We don’t often have the right boundaries in place because we want to make everyone happy. The only way growth happens is when we learn hard lessons. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you so much Leah! You’re right! Oh my gosh I hadn’t even considered how the enneagram played into this!! Amen to that – through hard lessons. Hugs and love xox

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    1. You’re right about that! The path isn’t always the easiest but growth nonetheless! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  3. This may help, Caralyn. “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10 Ted

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  5. It’s not the things we do but how we deal with the aftermath that defines us.

    I have a long list of cock ups in my past. Alot of this comes from my anxiety, my drinking (which was a coping mechanism) and the behavior that sprung from it.

    Only by recognising these faults, these errors, and acknowledging them. By apologising where necessary, and yes eating humble pie sometimes can you move forward.

    It’s easy to hurt people but it’s not always easy to acknowledge you have done so and apologise for it.

    Let me tell you a story

    10 years ago when I had lost my faith I had a disdain for those that believed. I actually bought a t shirt saying “Too dumb for science? Try religion!” I found this the other day when unpacking some old stuff and it made me think. How many people did I offend with this? How many did I hurt? And how much of a hypocrite does it make me look now I have returned under Christ’s wing?

    So I said a prayer asking for forgiveness, and apologising for any pain and hurt I caused. And I feel because deep down I knew that my actions were wrong, that I was belittling those who had something I lacked, that I truly was remorseful, that forgiveness will come. It’s not
    something I’m proud of, but I will acknowledge it, own it. Because without doing so I am not truly sorry.

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    1. This is such a powerful response. Thank you for sharing your story. Forgiveness is an amazing thing 💛 I appreciate you stopping by and sharing your heart. Big hugs to you friend xox

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      1. See like you I was a people pleaser, to a much more severe degree admittedly. I had created a comedy persona that made everybody laugh down the pub. I craved that recognition. Wanted everybody to like me. Fear of rejection drove me to desperate acts.

        It came to a head the night I drank 42 Jaeger bombs in one session. I realised I had to change. Had to be better.

        I have made my amends, cut out the toxic people, and become a better person.

        I don’t feel I could have done this without Christ’s love. Without his forgiveness.

        Now I’m not a people pleaser. Because I have come to terms with who I am. People can either like me or not.

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  6. In the quest for acceptance we say or do things for fear of rejection. This is based on our perception of how we think people will judge us, so in essence we are judging ourselves. You do not need the approval from others to feel worthy, You are already worthy. Stand in Your own truth, the only opinion about You that matters, is Yours.
    Not everyone will agree with Your Truth nor You with theirs and that is okay, continue to be the inspiration and beacon of light that You always have been……..Those that wish to follow will.
    Have a beautiful and uplifting day

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    1. You’re so right about that. Thank you so much for this encouraging response. It means a lot 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  8. Speaking as a guilty party… And from experience, you have to make an effort to contact that person and apologize… We can’t always do the right at the moment. However, we can always try to make things right afterwards.

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    1. Thank you so much Johannes – you’re right about that, making amends is so important and I have definitely apologized and made things right with him. glad you stopped by. hugs xox

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  9. I’ve lived in that zone all of my life until now. My motivation for being honest is my desire to have a less stressful life. I find that telling the truth up front may be a little uncomfortable but works out to be the best for everyone in the end. It’s a process and you’ll get there, with intention.

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    1. thank you so much Susanna, I’m glad this resontated with you! You’re right – with intention we can get there!! big hugs to you xox

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  11. This is amazing. Thank you for being so vulnerable to share yourself like this. I’ve learnt that people pleasing comes from an approval addiction; a need to be liked and validated, but we should only seek such from God. Our goal should be to please Him…

    I’ve also found that brutal honesty is often better than soothing lies. It’ll hurt a lot less to rip the bandage off sooner than later.

    But like the Bible says, a gentle answer turns away wrath. The tone at which we speak the truth also matters to. Where possible and applicable, we should speak the truth with love, especially when the existing relationship is one we need to preserve.

    Personally, I’ve found that I could also have the tendency to bend over backwards, and it gets to a point that I’ve compromised my values and standards to the point that i can’t even stand up straight anymore…

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    1. Aw thank you so much Darazizi!! I so appreciate your kind words 🙂 glad this resonated with you! You’re right – an approval addiction. And Amen!! Only from God!! Thanks for your encouragement. Means the world. Hugs and love xox

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  12. Ah yes. People-pleasing. That’s one of my big weaknesses too. At the same time, though, I think there’s a larger problem going on here that’s affecting the people-pleasing with you and affecting a lot of things on the dating scene–that the idea of “friend zoning” someone is somehow a bad thing (or that being “friend zoned” is a bad thing). Having a circle of healthy friendships is good! It might be easier if so-called friend zoning weren’t so stigmatized.

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    1. Thanks Brendan, you’re right – friend zoning is a real thing, and it’s both a blessing and a curse, depending on which side of the desired zone you fall!! I’m with you – friendships are healthy! Glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox

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  14. Your video was great. Raw and honest. I think I may have mentioned before that I have a son. Hence I now see my own dating behaviour really differently. Mind you I think I have only ever had one guy be totally straight with me. It makes a huge difference when we show courage and just kindly speak the truth. Yeah ok we might not be flavour of the month for a while but speaking the truth frees people to move on.It may take time but honesty might ultimately save a friendship. I am really fortunate that a friend I effectively ghosted after a declaration of love, is still my friend and a happily married man. I am not sure I would be as generous in his position.

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    1. Aw thank you so much for watching the video! And I appreciate your story – I love what you said: speaking the truth frees people to move on. I love that so so much. Thank you for this beautiful advice. Sending you so much love and hugs xox

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  15. I really can’t see why you are being so hard on yourself. Nothing wrong with having a meal with an old friend and if he chose to want to take it further and you didn’t want that you had to tell him and leave it at that. Unfriending over such a thing is very immature on his part and another reason why you sensed this was not the one. Women possess an acute sixth sense. When cupid’s arrow hits you will certainly know it. Of course we should never seek to knowingly hurt people but if they choose to be sensitive its their problem not yours. Your ex-friend’s reaction shows what kind of person you’d have had to spent a dismal life with if you let sympathy trump common sense. 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words Ian. You’re right about that sixth sense! Haha but you’re right – common sense over all! Hugs and love xox

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  16. Having a boy and a girl has been an amazing blessing for me. A few times my daughter and I have had to sit him down and explain a female perspective and he has been brutally honest with my daughter about the male perspective. my daughter is pretty good about telling him.

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    1. oh that is so interesting!! thanks for sharing that – i’m sure it is fascinating to see the different ways they’re growing up! Hugs and love xox

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  18. People pleasing is the highest form of dishonesty. At this time in our evolution, honesty is absolutely necessary. You can’t evolve without it:

    Chris Thomas: The End of the World?

    I’m not the blogger type to beg for followers. I’m far too old to care. I’ve been blogging for 12 years and I remember the days before Facebook with all the other nonsense that followed. My blog is not connected to any social so, I offer you to come read some of the Chris Thomas material (Welsh psychic healer).

    Tactful honesty is always the best policy. 💕

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    1. This is such a powerful response. Thanks for sharing. Honesty really is the beat policy! I look forward to reading your work. Hugs and love xox

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  19. This was our “Thought For Today” from Bishop Drew at Faith Cathedral where I go to church,

    Sunshine Day 2-14-2020

    The keys to success are many.  A key to failure is simply trying to please everybody. You cannot be all things to all people.  People pleasing is a sure way to fail.  “You can please all of the people some of the time.  And some of the people all of the time.  But you cannot please all of the people all of the time.” (Lincoln) Truism. Please God and yourself today!

    Genesis 24:12 – “O Lord God of my master Abraham, please give me success this day.”   (NKJV)

    In His Service
    Bishop Drew Rousse
    Faith Cathedral

    Watch Us Now http://www.fcwo.org

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  21. I’m such a people pleaser too. I like to say reformed people pleaser but I’m still working on it. 😩
    My pastor just preached on how confrontation doesn’t have to be unhealthy when handled probably. His rules:
    -Take it time God first.
    -A leader in church next
    -Then ask the person to talk in person. No texting, phone calls, DM’s, and definitely NO SnapChat. <—-That’s fantastic, right? 😂
    -Have a conversation. Don’t beat around the push. Just open and honest. Don’t accuse, or point fingers. 🙌🏻
    -Don’t wait on these talks. If you need to talk with someone about something do it right away.
    Anyhow this reminded me of that and I thought I’d pass it on because I have been putting this in practice over the last few days and it’s been so helpful! 💜

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    1. Thanks Aimee for sharing that – I’m glad this resonated with you! Oh wow I love that — that is the biblical conflict resolution method!! So much turmoil would be saved if we all practiced that!! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

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  22. This resonated with me. I, too, am a people-pleaser. The book “Love Idol” by Jennifer Dukes Lee helped me identify my approval addition. I did not see it as an “addiction” until I read that book. I will be lookinag at your books on Amazon. Lvoe this blog post! Keep em coming!

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  23. Interestingly I am considered anything but a people-pleaser. One would thing as a Chaplain that would be a requirement, yet here in the deep south I am often reminded my straight forward non nonsense approach to things is “not people friendly.” My silent response is ‘it gets the job done, and done well’ 🙂 .

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    1. hellp friend! you’re on a reading roll! I love your response – “it gets the job done and done well.” amen! Hugs and love xox

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  24. Thank you for sharing–and for embracing the reality that we’re ‘always learning, always growing’.

    I have this tendency also, and there are MANY times when things have gotten worse because I put off the conversation that was necessary. I am SO thankful for the grace of God–who never gives up on me!

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  25. Oh, this struggle is very real and not an easy hurdle to jump over that easily without the Lord’s helping and moulding hand of righteousness. I too struggle with that and really had to take it to God in prayer and I’m getting there more and more day by day. Having honest conversations is better than having a false or forced one. I really loved the godly advice your parents gave to you. I agree with them. God continue to bless and keep you all in His name. Blessings & more grace in Jesus name. Amen. ❤

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    1. Thank you so much Tammy – you’re so right – we need to just give it al to Him. He will glady take it for us 🙂 stay well! Hugs and love xox

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