For a video version of this post, please click here!
Ohhh friends, I’m writing this with a huge pit in my stomach. Oof.
I learned a really hard lesson this weekend.
One that, well…left a bit of a wake of turmoil — that sadly, involved more than just me.
If I have one tragic flaw in this life — and let’s be real, I have many — but my greatest, and most fog-horn-in-the-night, blatantly obvious weak spot is that I am a people pleaser to my absolute core.
A bend over backwards, don’t rock the boat, please – allow me to give you my other cheek to slap — people pleasing addiction.
It played a huge role in my development of anorexia: as I believed my worth was performance based. (I can thank my child actor roots for that).
But one of the ways it has continued to manifest is that I absolutely hate disappointing people.
I despise it. I will do anything and everything to avoid letting people down. Including, to my detriment, avoiding conflict at any and all cost.
And well…that finally caught up to me this weekend.
I mean, I’ve shared about this before. I had two bouquets of roses rotting in my apartment for weeks, because I didn’t face the music right away.
And fast forward the clock another month, and I find myself in another situation where my people pleasing tendencies have actually resulted in someone else being pretty hurt by my lack of honesty.
Long story short, I ran into an old “flame” and because of my lack of backbone and unwillingness to upset anyone, I agreed to go on a date this week, even though I did not want to.
Anyway – yesterday, when he followed up about the date, I had to tell this terrific, upstanding, gentleman that I just wanted to be friends. And not only that — but that I have feelings for someone else. Ouch.
Ughhhh. My stomach is dropping just thinking about it.
I was then consequently “unfollowed” on social media, and not given a response.
And yeah, I deserved that.
But I was talking with my parents about it, and — of course — they were dropping all the wisdom on me.
Truth hurts but it is better sooner rather than later.
My dad is absolutely right. By avoiding dealing with this situation, I ended up making matters worse, and actually making it harder in the end.
Even though for me, during those weeks the situation was out-of-sight-out-of-mind, for the other party involved, there were emotions being invested, hopes being drummed up — and that was not fair to him.
I was a coward. Because I didn’t want to disappoint him.
Unfortunately, I can’t say this is the first – or second, or fifth – time this has happened.
You’d think I’d have learned by now. And every time, I sit with this gut-punch, I’m-a-horrible-person feeling in my stomach, and vow never to do it again.
But then, the moment arises when I should really speak with honesty, and deliver some tough news, and I revert back to the same terrible habits, and actually hurt the other person in the process.
Honesty is the only thing that’s right.
Ding. Ding. Ding. My mother, as per use, is right on the money. We are called to “speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ.” Eph 4:15.
A task that is easier said than done.
“Honesty is always the best policy.” My parents drilled that into my head since I was a child. Honesty, when spoken gently, is kind. It is empowering. It is freeing. And it follows Christ’s example.
I wasn’t always this cowardly…
I remember one time in high school, this sweet guy had a crush on me, and I wasn’t interested. And it was after one of my soccer games — which he had come to see — and he was waiting for me after the game and tried to give me a big hug, and I literally stopped him, stuck out my hand and said, “I’m flattered, but a handshake will do.”
Talk about SAVAGE!
But actually, it wasn’t. In that moment, sure it was
a little awkward, but he got the message loud and clear, and was able to move forward and invest his emotional energy elsewhere.
But more than that, I stood up for my feelings and advocated for myself.
I’m not a little girl anymore. I can’t write off these communication errors as “cute” or “excusable” any longer.
I am a strong woman. I am capable of honest, intentional dialogue, that yeah — may disappoint people. But in the end, it is better to be honest now, than to have to deal with a complicated and completely-avoidable emotional mess later.
So, to the man I hurt, I want to apologize. Again.
I need to start practicing honest communication. Because I can’t please everyone. And trying to do so, only ends up hurting everyone involved — ironic, isn’t it?
“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5
A big thank you to my foundational sponsor, BetterHelp Online Therapy. I cannot begin to express how beneficial therapy was for my recovery from anorexia. Speak with an online therapist. Or check out content about eating disorders from BetterHelp.
Sign up below for my free newsletter!
Get my daily videos, recipes and posts delivered straight to your inbox!
Here was yesterday’s video! https://youtu.be/8pmp4ZI968A
MAGIC TOOTHPASTE? Yes! I am in love with this superior whitening toothpaste. It keeps my smile sparkling, without sensitivity or bleach! I made a website where you can directly order this miracle product! So if you want to give it a try, you can go ahead and grab a tube for yourself. I promise, your smile will thank you!
I had so much fun going through the FabFitFun winter box — it’s filled with awesome products — from beauty, to fitness, fashion, skincare, home — all full size, valued at over $250, but sold for only $39.99 when you use my code “SANTABABY!”
Be sure to check out my affiliate, Audible. Listening to audiobooks while I cook is literally my new favorite thing. And just for you, they’re offering a Free 30-Day Trial Membership. And with this free membership, you’re going to get 2 free audiobooks! Literally. Free. It is the best deal ever. And if for some reason, you decide it’s not for you, you can cancel within those 30 days and it’s zero money out of your pocket, plus, you get to keep the 2 audiobooks. Soooo…it’s pretty much a no brainer. Plus, it’s a free and easy way to support this blog! So thank you!!
Huge shoutout to my favorite: Ethos Spa Skin and Laser Center in Summit, New Jersey! Located just outside of NYC, this gorgeous medical spa keeps my skin healthy and bright! Stop in and treat yo’self! 🙂
@beauty.beyond.bones – Instagram
For Podcast versions of my posts, please check out Patreon! It’s only $2 a month!! You make this blog possible 🙂
And really quickly, I’ve had several questions concerning my Amazon link (amazon.com/shop/beautybeyondbones) — You do not need to buy one of my specific highlighted products on my page, in order for it to “credit” my account. Any purchases that you search or make from anywhere on Amazon, after first visiting my Amazon page, will credit this blog and help support this blog ministry. I am truly so grateful and appreciative to those of you wanting to do so! So thank you! Again, it is an absolutely free, and easy way for you to help keep this blog going!