The Question We Don’t Want to Answer

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Quarantine Day 53, NYC

Well, we’ve officially surpassed the 50 day mark for quarantine. I feel like there should be some sort of consolation prize for that grim milestone. Like a four-pack of Charmin Ultra Soft and a handle of top shelf liquor or something. At the very least a travel size mini Purell hand sanitizer. Is that too much to ask?

I read a staggering statistic recently: 30 million. Thirty million. That’s the current number of people who have filed for unemployment in the US as a result of the coronavirus.

If that number seems outrageous, that’s because it is. Nearly 18.6% of the work force now finds themselves out of a job or furloughed, thanks to the current state of things.

And reading that, I’m sure it hits close to home for many of you. I know it does for me.

Just this past week, I lost another acting job due to COVID19. That’s the second time during this pandemic, on top of a canceled speaking engagement that was scheduled for March.

Thirty million people. Each, not just a “number,” but a person. With a story: Moms. Dads. Siblings. Spouses. Sons and daughters. Friends. Colleagues. That staggering statistic hits differently when you think about the person behind the number: struggling to pay bills, put food on the table, blowing through savings, or finding themselves having to go to food banks for the first time, ever.

It’s heartbreaking.

I spent a lot of time this weekend, reflecting on that. Wrestling with thoughts of inadequacy and disappointment from digesting the news about that acting job. But a thought came into my head, that I wanted to share with you.

Right now, work looks differently for everybody. If we’re not grappling with job loss, then we’re adjusting to a redefined role at our jobs. And as a result, one of the things I think most people have been confronted with as we’re all met with more time on our hands than ever before, is this very soul-defining question: How am I contributing to society?

What does it mean that’s I’m not essential? Aren’t we all essential? And if not, then what does that mean about me?

Because at the end of the day, all any of us want, is to matter. We could be talking jobs, we could be talking in a relationship, we could be talking to our communities…Do I matter?

And I think what we’re all — myself included — coming to realize, as a result of this quarantine, is that a lot of us have been tying up too much of our worth in our jobs.

My worth comes from my contribution to my company. To my ability to make money. To my position as X, Y, or Z on the corporate laddar. To my paycheck.

My worth is defined by my contribution to society.

And as those things have been stripped away or significantly altered — for, at a bare minimum, 30 million of us — we’re left grappling with a question we’re terrified to answer?

Do I matter?

I felt this question worm its way into my head this weekend, during a quiet moment of weakness. And to be honest, it’s a thought that I have wrestled with before, during my eating disorder.

You see, oftentimes, with anorexia comes crippling perfectionism. The usually go hand in hand. At least they did for me. I had tied up my worth in this completely unattainable standard of perfection.

I believed I had to be perfect to be loved.

I had to achieve this, and earn that, in order to qualify for love. In order to be worth something.

It gave me a false sense of security, believing that I could control those outcomes.

And eventually, that quest for perfection began to strangle every aspect of my life: from my academics, to sports and extra-curriculars, to which social group I ran with, to my boyfriend, to my appearance, and eventually — to my weight.

And there you can see the spiral take off.

I had to completely surrender that destructive way of thinking. And for me, it took rock bottom to get there.

I remember exactly where I was when it finally “clicked.”

I was at an inpatient hospital across the country from my family. And part of the admittance process is that you have to undergo an initial medical assessment of sorts. I was brought into this back room with these two stern nurses, and they handed me a blue, backless, paper hospital gown with the one word instruction, “Strip.” Because they wanted to do a full body check for any sign of self harm, which is a common manifestation of eating disorders. And standing there, shivering, naked, at 78 pounds, with no hair on my head because it had all fallen out due to malnutrition, getting checked for signs of self mutilation at an eating disorder treatment facility — I thought to myself, — Caralyn. This is it. My life does not get any lower than this. 

I had spent the last year and a half, manipulating and lying to everyone I loved. I destroyed my relationships — didn’t return a phone call or text for two years. I had dropped out of everything: Went from top scholar, varsity athlete, to a very sick, deeply broken girl. I had nothing. Absolutely nothing left.

If God can rescue me from that…From that pit of rock bottom. If God can look at that scared and shaking girl and see her worth, and value, and dignity as a Child of God — there is nothing He cannot do. 

Right now, we’ve got two choices. We can either succumb to the lie that our worth lies in our job titles. In what we achieve. In what we accomplish.

OR, we can claim the truth that our worth is completely separate from those superficial externalities. Yes – work is important, and we were made to work. But it does not define that which was determined by Jesus’ death on the Cross.

That is what truly defines our worth. Our dignity. Our value: Jesus defined it for us.

Our greatest job in life, is to claim that truth. And embrace the absolute freedom and security that comes with it.

Do I matter?

More than I will ever know. I matter enough for Christ to literally die for.

And knowing that truth, the question then becomes, how will I respond?

As we set out on another week in quarantine, know that I’m praying for you, that I love you, and that I am grateful for your presence in my life! You matter to me! 🙂

“This is what the Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.” Ez 37:5

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

203 thoughts on “The Question We Don’t Want to Answer”

  2. Thank you for writing this. In the past few years, when I was looking for work out in the community, I was told that only getting a job and making money matters. Yesterday, someone asked me, “why do you have a business coach and a caseworker?” It finally hit me that I don’t care if I make a dime off of my YouTube or blog. I really do love writing and shooting YouTube videos. I would be happy if I did make an income from that. However, I’ve been living with my grandpa for 15 years; and he has provided for me. In all truth, it’s Jesus that provides. That’s one thing that make me upset about my caseworker and business coach. They just see value in work and money. I agree with work is important, but serving Jesus is more important.

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    1. Hi Amanda! you’re on a reading roll! thank you so much! i appreciate you sharing that – you’re right – it’s Jesus that provides. such powerful insight. Hugs and love xox

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  3. This is such a loaded question, one that I’ve grappled with for way too long. It took getting sober after a painful relapse to realize I AM worthy. I DO matter. This post brought back a lot and put me in a place of gratitude. Thank you Caralyn 💗

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    1. Thanks so much Lisa for sharing that powerful perspective. You’re right – you are worthy and do matter. And I am right there with ya – sometimes it takes going through a storm to realize those important truths. I’m so glad God delivered us both from those places. Love you friend. Hugs and love xox

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  4. Thank you for sharing! It’s incredibly courageous of you to share your story. My working situation is…unsteady…at the moment and I definitely needed to hear those words. Wishing you the best and that you and loved ones are safe!

    • Matt

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  5. a very ‘felt’ post, at least for me, I basically locked myself down for years because I was the “chosen” son to succeed, I had the mantle, the talent, the drive, the … well, life doesn’t always work out, and when you are the ‘all’ there is no way to live up to that, even if those around you maybe did not totally mean you should be the ‘one’, the ‘all’, the pressure and message was there, it is a difficult thing to understand we are who we are, and fact is I am better off than most (I do work my butt off, 6 days a week for years), but it is easy to loose our perspective of those who have less, which is so many, even if I worked my ass off it does not mean I can not help those who need it now, we all need help, or love (compassion) at some time, it is all washed in the times or daily life, but any one of us can be struck down, as insulated as we may think we are, even now during this, even as close as it all seems now, we all will fall, we need to be the ones to catch each other.

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    1. Hi David, thank you for sharing your story. You’re so right, we’re all in this journey together and what a beautiful thing to help others along the way. Loved your reflection. Hugs and love xox

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  6. We have many questions now and will even more later on. There is just so much going and simultaneously not going on at the same time which is quite unnerving to say the least. Be we have all been affected by this and somehow we must pull through this and get back to some normal means of existence. Take care, stay safe, stay hopeful!

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    1. Thank you friend – you’re right, unnerving to say the least!! Stay safe my friend! Hugs and love xox

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  7. At first I wanted to refrain from commenting to see whether you would notice.. LOL.

    You hit the nail on the head Caralyn. All most people want out of life is to matter – to know that they are important. I think that one of the most common things for someone is to find their purpose – a reason for existing, living. Here are the questions that are most commonly asked..
    Am I unique? Am I important? If I cease to exist, would anyone even notice?..
    We devote much of our lives to make sure that the answers to all 3 is “Yes” and more often than not, the only answer we get is, “No”.
    Caralyn, you got it spot on. Because as long as we look to the world to get our “Yes”, it comes with a large caveat – “Prove it”. And we spend much of our lives trying to…

    God said it the best…

    “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matt 6:26)

    “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?h Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” (Matt 10:29 -30)

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    1. You’re so right about that! Those three questions are what most people spend their life trying to find affirming answers to, but you hit the nail on the head with those verses — God already answered it for us, and it is a resounding YES! thank you friend for stopping by and sharing your heart! (Sorry it took a little longer than usual to reply! been going through some stuff lol Stay well! Hugs and love xox

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  8. This is so lovely! You are truly doing a great job in proclaiming the truth. And you are so beautiful 🙂 God bless.

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  9. We were too busy for our families. Our identity was in what we made our confidence in who we were. We had everything but in true sense had nothing. We made a living but had no life, we build homes but broke families, Corona is that stop sign made for us to re-evaluate life so what matters and if we are to remain first God has to come before

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    1. Wow you’re on a reading roll! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. You’re right – it has been a blessing in disguise to reevaluate! stay well! Hugs and love xox

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  10. What a great post Caralyn, I commend you for being so authentic and asking those questions that, as you said, we often do not want to ask. We all want to matter. We were designed with a need for impact, to have our lives matter as part of God’s eternal plan. And we often try to place our worth or value in things we do, and not on what has been done for us. Reminds me of my post a Christmas:

    Unworthy but Worth it

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    1. Oh gosh thank you so much 🙂 Amen – and it’s a comfort to know that He has a plan for each and every one of us. And big or small those plans may seem, they matter. To the highest degree. His highest. Looking forward to reading your post! Hugs and love xox

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  11. Too many people have put way too much stock in whether or not they matter for their company. Supposedly, I “matter” and I’m fortunate to be working from home. But 3 weeks in, I was on a phone call with my supervisor who essentially told me I was doing crappy and need to focus more and to just kick my kids out of my room that I’m working in. (My kids are 2 and 3 years old….). So yea, I don’t care that I’m considered “essential” – they still don’t actually care about me. 😦 This whole world needs to re-think quite a few things! Love to everyone who’s been affected by this! YOU ALL MATTER!

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    1. Hi Kelly, oh gosh I’m so sorry that you had to hear that from your supervisor. It sounds like you’re juggling a lot, and I’m sorry that person didn’t recognize that. I do!! 🙂 Stay well my friend!!!!!! You’re a superhero! Hugs and love xox

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  12. Beautiful! Thank you for sharing. It’s not easy putting yourself “out there.” By doing so, you show the fruit of surrender. You are willing to share your hardest moments in order that others know how great He is, how near He is. So, others realize the illusion the world offers as it markets purpose through popularity, beauty, fame and perfection. You are making a big difference during disappointing times!!! Keep writing!!! Keep influencing!! Big ((((HUGS)))!!!

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    1. Hi friend! oh gosh thank you so much – you’re right – He is so near to us during this time of trial! thanks for stopping by! bigbig hugs back to ya! xoxo

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  13. You nailed it! The only solid thing to stand on that doesn’t change and can’t be taken away, is that He loves us no matter what the circumstances or losses or job titles is or isn’t. So glad you survived your journey to the dark places. You are a light.

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    1. aw thank you Teresa! you’re so absolutely right about that! and gosh what a kind thing to say, thank you 🙂 Hugs and love xox

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  14. You make an amazing observation “What does it mean that I’m not essential? Aren’t we all essential? And if not, then what does that mean about me?”

    For decades in our education system we have been telling everyone we are all essential, all the same, intellectually, physically, and recently even biologically. Now students are told they are non-essential to stay home and stay away from friend and classmates. Recent incidents in the news seem to suggest student suicides are (social distancing for teens really) on the rise significantly.

    Parents wold do well to remind their children that God created all mankind in HIS image Genesis 1:27, That we are all equal (no discrimination) Galatians 3:28 in His eyes. That all comfort, joy, love and even our true sense of being essential all stems from our relationship with Christ Philippians 2:1-30.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your heart onthis. Amen – all created in HIS image! Hugs and love xox

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  15. Wonderful post Caralyn, you are doing wonderful things with what you learned from the pain and suffering in your past. Keep up the good work. “We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” Rom. 8:28

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    1. Thank you so much David, I really appreciate your kind words. Yes! I love that verse so much – thanks for sharing! stay well! Hugs and love xox

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    1. thank you friend – amen to that – remain positive and strong! love that. stay well! Hugs and love xox

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    1. thank you so much Barb, I really appreciate that encouragement. i really hope so! stay well! Hugs and love xox

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