It’s pretty wild to think that I’ve been documenting my life on this blog since 2013. I mean, truly – I have been writing about my life, three times per week for the last ten years…publicly, and probably admittedly a little too candidly.
But se la vie, what’s done is done.
But, as the internet is forever (as I so often conveniently try to forget), every so often I will get a comment from a new reader who has stumbled upon an article from say, 2015. Something wayyy back in time, back when I was in such a different place, not only in my recovery, but also spiritually, mentally, and love life-wise.
And sometimes, when I’m reading the comments and I see one from forever ago, I’ll go back to that post and re-read it. And it is just fascinating to see how far I’ve come…particularly in that last category, on the eve of my wedding in June.
This week, I had a lovely reader share some beautiful words in the comments section from a pointedly vulnerable post from 2015 about my journey opening my heart to love, post-anorexia, and asked for a life update on how my story turned out.
And I want to just share a passage from that post that I think highlights pretty perfectly something that often gets overlooked in recovery.
Learning to love myself has been a long and difficult journey. And I know many of you can relate. With eating disorder recovery, just because you get the weight on doesn’t mean that everything else magically “gets better” too. It doesn’t mean that a healthy BMI is a sure-fire ticket to self-acceptance and self-love. Unfortunately, that’s just not the case.
But it is possible. It is possible to love yourself. And for me, I know that the biggest indicator that I’ve finally loved myself completely, is that I’ll allow myself to be loved by another person.
All of this stems back to my battle with anorexia, and the lie that I believed that I was a burden and unworthy of love. I have never allowed my heart to receive love. I don’t let myself feel that comforting blanket of acceptance and joy and care and warmth that is love. Because I think I don’t deserve it.
So, how did my story play out?
Jesus took my life full circle.
In my recovery journey, the biggest hurdle I faced, that took nearly a decade to do was silence the lies the enemy was spewing that made me believe I was unworthy of love. The biggest hurdle was to allow my heart to open up to receive love — from Jesus, from myself, from friends and loved ones, and from the final piece of the puzzle: a partner.
Growing up I always would say the cliche that, “God’s preparing my heart as He’s preparing my future husband’s!” And it’s not that I didn’t believe that, I just didn’t believe that that was possible for me.
And so I kept people at arm’s length, romantically, not only because I feared that if they knew the real me and all the garbage in my past that I would be deemed a disappointment, but that to my core it would affirm my deeply held belief that I actually am not worthy of love, period.
But then along came Steven.
And I promise this isn’t going to be some gag-inducing mushy-gushy sonnet.
What I mean to say is that God really was preparing the heart of the man for me, as He was simultaneously preparing mine.
As many of you may know, Steven and I have known each other as friends for ten years.
But if, when we met in 2013, he tried to pursue things romantically (he couldn’t because he was in a serious relationship at the time) – but if his situation were different and he had tried to, I would not have been able to to receive it. My heart had not healed to the point yet where I believed that I was worthy that love. Jesus had more work to do on me.
And on him, too.
It took the work of Jesus’ skilled patience and formation to break through the barrier I had formed around my heart, leading the way so that Steven could one day follow suit.
And boy, did it take a long time. Nearly a decade until my heart was fully open.
All this to say…two things.
First, if you are in recovery — be it from an eating disorder, addiction, alcohol, whathaveyou…know that your timing is just as it should be.
This was not a process that I could rush. It took the consistent, gentle whisperings of the Father until I finally could feel His warm kiss on my cheek, His delight in my existence, His love wrapped around me. Everything is going to work out in God’s perfect timing. Even if things seem hopeless. Even if things feel like a lost cause, God’s not done with you. This isn’t “it” for you. That is something you can trust to your deepest core.
And secondly, there is someone out there for you. Truly, I believe that. Even if that “someone” is “The Church” and God is calling you to the Priesthood – God is love, and desires that for every single one of His children.
He has someone planned.
Steven is so patient with me. He accepts all of my past. He doesn’t’ see me as broken, but as someone who has overcome something big. He challenges me to dream bigger. He reminds me of the impact that my story has on people who may have similar pasts. He loves me, and gives me the safety and reassurance that he finds me worthy to pursue, worthy to love, worthy to spend the rest of his life with.
God has always been speaking truth into the lies that the enemy was spewing. And He has formed Steven’s heart to know how also to speak truth to those lies as well.
Anyway. I am grateful for the opportunity to journey back into the archives and see what God has delivered me from, and how He’s provided everything I could ever want and need.
He is a Father who loves to delight His children.
Steven is my living proof of that 🙂
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13 responses to “Hindsight and Perspective”
I am very happy for you guys! A great post, Caralyn. ❤️ After three divorces, I don’t think there is anyone out there for me…
[…] Hindsight and Perspective […]
[…] Hindsight and Perspective […]
Similarly, I would not have met my husband had it been earlier than 2013 because I did not feel that I was worthy of love at that time. It was only after I took a leap of faith that I realized that yes, I am worthy.
How can we expect to find love if we don’t even love ourselves? Simply put, we can’t. It’s clear that you learned to accept and love yourself first, and that opened the door to find your soulmate ♥️
Oh Miss Caralyn this is such a beautiful reflection on your faith life and wholeness of person.
Loved this post, Caralyn. I’m so happy for you and thankful for the amazing journey God has set you on. I too, look and think back and can see God’s purpose in my past and now my present. It’s good to do that sometimes. Great perspective. 🙂
Lots of love!
You make a lovely couple and combined with Jesus in the home you can look forward to a happy and fulfilling life.
🙂
Hey Caralyn 🙂
Lovely post — and for me there seems to be a little bit of a “double entendre” in the title (IYKYK 😉 ).
Let’s hope our notions of “wayyy” can go MUCH MORE wayyy … yyy … yyy … (?)
And this is an interesting thing about the collective notion that the INTERNET is “reverse chronological” … and that *yesterday is gone* (the MORE wayyy of us might remember the late Christine McVie’s: “Don’t Stop” … [“thinking about tomorrow”] )
Yet forever knows no reverse chronological order. There are other orders. Yes, there are also “dis-” orders. Many things are possible. I am right now writing a post for this weekend @ my Socio.BIZ blog (which is closely related to this kind of stuff).
It’s always nice to read your words, reflective thoughts — and I feel it’s also a wonderful thought to think that you WON’T STOP! 😉
Another beautiful testimony if God’s sovereignty and timing. When our lives are in His hand, He orders our steps in His perfect will. So glad you trusted Him at every juncture.
Thank you for sharing in such a personal way, as I enjoy my morning coffee ☕
Had to wait till I was 50 before I met the woman of my dreams. I had to be patient with God. Like Tom Petty sang, “The waiting is the hardest part…”
You have grown and matured in your faith. Not everyone does this. Many just get to a point where they are happy and then they don’t continue to mature. Your next challenge will be to grown together in your faith and walk. Have faith and be still. Know that you are loved by God.
I’m from your archives too…haven’t read your blog in a long time. I really needed to hear that this isn’t “it” for me yet and that I can trust in Gods perfect timing to help with my recovery. Thank you 🙏 So happy for your new life and love. 👍