As I’ve mentioned before, anorexia is not about the weight. It’s about the Lie that is feeding her eating disorder, and causing her such intense self-hatred, which manifests itself in eating disorder behaviors. And that true healing comes only when that Lie – that Voice of ED – is silenced and replaced with the Truth: that she is loved. That she is good. That she’s not worthless and not a burden. That’s where true recovery takes place.
But let’s get down to brass tacks: Weight Restoration. It’s a hush hush topic in the recovery community because it is so triggering and, let’s be honest, you don’t want to talk about weight gain with girls who are terrified of that notion, and that you’re trying to convince to get treatment. But let’s face it: treatment and recovery require weight restoration.
After truly adopting recovery, two things were very apparent in my journals:
- #1) I truly – on a conceptual level – understood that my Lie was false. I conceptually “got” that I was loved, that I was not a burden, that I was forgiven. And I truly did want freedom from being controlled by my anorexia.
- #2) I was petrified of the weight gain after a certain point. I was horrified of putting on all of the weight once I was approaching my weight range. I would do anything not to put on those last 15 pounds. I was paralyzed with fear.
So it’s a conundrum. I wanted recovery so badly. I had such a strong desire to kick the Eating Disorder. But even stronger than that desire, was my fear of the final weight gain.
You see, when you’re so depleted, and are so severely underweight, your body feeds off of its own muscle to make up for the lack of nourishment you’re giving it. That’s why your legs and arms get so skeletal: because your muscles are literally deteriorating. But here’s the thing that people forget: your organs are muscles too. So, yes, you notice your arms and legs wasting away – your organs are too. That’s why you lose your period: because your reproductive organs are shutting down. That’s why your digestive system gets messed up. That’s why your circulation is poor. And that’s why girls die from anorexia: Because her heart is a muscle, and it shuts down.
So, those first few weeks when you’re re-feeding your body, the nourishment rebuilds the most important muscles first: The majority of the nutrients are going to your organs. So the girl actually doesn’t see much in the way of physical bodily change for that first week or so. She’s gaining a few pounds, but doesn’t look as though she is. It’s not scary yet. Then, with slow weight restoration (which is best for a number of reasons), the changes in her body are gradual, and she’s able to start to accept the changes. I even liked the changes!
But then, there comes The Moment. It is The Moment when she begins to look at the progress she’s made, and the changes in her body, and freaks out. She is petrified of going any further in recovery for fear of getting fat.
You see, she suffers from such a distorted body image: literally all she’s seen and meticulously – obsessively – scrutinized in the mirror during her ED, were bones and an emaciated, skeletal frame. And she honestly saw her reflection as fat. You see, her inner self-hatred is projected onto how she sees herself in the mirror. She views her insides as so ugly and dark, that all she sees in the mirror is hideousness and a distorted image of herself. For me, it was the area under my belly button. That was literally all I could see when I looked in the mirror. I was a gaunt, skeletal, 78 pound shell of a girl, yet all I could see was a “pooch” on my gut. Those were my intestines. Not a pooch! But my brain couldn’t comprehend that. That was the degree of my body dysmorphia. So, going from that extreme, to having put on a little over 15 pounds, she feels huge, and internally (or externally) has a melt down.
That’s why it was good for me to be in inpatient: because I would have figured out a way to thwart the weight gain otherwise. But I digress. The Moment comes –and it will come- when she is terrified that she is going to get fat.
Well. I’d like to debunk a couple myths about weight restoration.
MYTH #1: You will be fat and disgusting when you hit your target weight range.
This is so false. The dietitians are not “out to get you” or make you fat. They’re not. They’ve figured out what your healthy range is for your height and body type, and are not going to let you get fat. You will still be very thin. You’re used to seeing an emaciated version of yourself. And #realtalk: that version is scary. Really scary. As in, it makes people uncomfortable. And oh yeah, you will die if you keep it up, so there’s that too. But in all seriousness, you will not be fat when you get in your weight range. It’s a range for a reason: the low end is lower and the high end is higher. You can choose.
MYTH #2: Once I get my weight restored, I have to stop eating all these delicious foods that I’ve now come to love, because I will balloon up to the size of a whale and keep gaining indefinitely.
Again, this is so false. So, so very false. The human body is an amazing machine. Truly incredible. It takes what you feed it, and uses the nutrients to repair your body, and the rest, it gets rid of! Your body has a “natural resting point” in weight. It’s what your body naturally wants to weigh when you are nourishing it and not restricting. And that natural resting point is not fat. Trust your body. It is amazing how it can process food. Even ice cream and dessert and other “fear” foods. Metabolism is a beautiful thing. Trust that it will keep your body in fine form.
Further to this, you have (hopefully) been restoring weight by eating a normal diet, with the addition of supplements for the weight gain. The actual food that you are digesting is not what is making you gain weight: the supplements are. Therefore, when you reach your weight range, all you have to do is stop the supplements and you’ll be golden. The normal diet is not what is making you gain weight – including dessert. Dessert is part of a part of a balanced diet where one maintains his or her weight. So no, you do not have to stop eating the foods you love simply because you’re in maintenance and not in restoration anymore. Just the supplements.
Weight restoration is the nitty gritty of eating disorder recovery. It is where the rubber meets the road. Even though she can whole-heartedly be committed to recovery, and mentally want recovery so badly, the fact is, actually putting on the weight is still terrifying, especially when she has severe body dysmorphia. So be ready for The Moment when shit gets real and she realizes that, yes, her body is going to fill out. Remind her that that’s not a bad thing – it’s a good thing! One of the most popular “hashtags” on prorecovery websites is “BoobsNotBones.” Remind her that being a woman is beautiful, curves and all. This is also a great time to help her remember what her dreams and goals were. Help her set up a goal or something that motivates her to work for and recover for: going to college, getting a job, following her dreams, finishing high school. Having a sense of purpose helps, as she begins to realize that there is life outside her eating disorder, and that being at a healthy weight – read: not emaciated – is an essential part of reaching those dreams or goals and moving on.
When facing The Moment it also is helpful to talk about what ED has robbed you of. But more on that, later this week.
Click here to get your copy of my recovery tool: Bloom: A Journal by BeautyBeyondBones
34 responses to “The Truth About Weight Restoration”
[…] have a brokenness that tells a story of victory. I have a spirit that has been wounded, and has been reborn. I have a heart that has […]
While I find the words written in this blog to be very compelling, encouraging, instructional, helpful, emotional, and powerful; and while they speak loudly to me, and anyone anywhere who stumbles upon them, and tell us how we can lay our burdens at the Cross; and while they glorify You and point those in need to the source of ALL they need to win whatever battle they fight, I pray that You – in your infinite grace, mercy, love, compassion, gentleness, kindness, and forgiveness – will use your incredible power and lead to this blog especially those who suffer so horribly and flirt so dangerously with death by believing the lies in their minds that convince them they are considerably less than the beautiful individuals You created. Help them to find this blog, increase this brave woman’s followers to great numbers who will follow her example and look to You for their own ability to look in the mirror and see truth instead of the lies that seek to destroy them.
I ask this in the name of Your Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ.
Wow, Tony, what a beautiful prayer. THANK YOU. Thank you so incredibly much. Your encouragement and prayers mean so much to me. God bless you 🙂
Reblogged this on KCJones.
Amen, truly, to Tony Casson’s prayer.
Goodness, thank you so much. God is good. I owe Him my everything. Thanks for stopping by!
Dear Beautybeyondbones, You are providing a very real service to so very many people. There is a thread of importance that runs through your blogs. I think, in some ways, it goes beyond anorexia. The importance of the healthy self image is a theme that is focused upon in your blogs. I am learning a lot from your blogs. Sincerely, Richard
Thank you so much Richard. That really means a lot ☺️ I’m glad they resonate with you. Hugs and love xox
Wow. I really needed to read this right now. I’ve been believing these myths for so long, and this has helped me to see them from a different perspective. Thank you for sharing your insights and the truth with the rest of us!
Hi Katie, thank you so much. I’m so glad this resonated with you. Keep up the fight. Big hugs to you friend xo
I have read this post numerous times, and I always end up wondering the same thing…what if you didn’t use supplements to gain weight? I have gained over 20 pounds in four months without supplements. Will I keep gaining if I keep eating like this? To be honest, I am scared, but I can’t seem to quit eating near 3000 a day (also, my period isn’t back yet, despite being over the weight I was at before anorexia). I know that you are not a doctor, but I thought you might have some insight.
Thanks for liking my post,Enjoying your one now 🙂
You’re so welcome! Glad you stopped by! hugs xox
Well done. Great writing and insight shared beautifully. x Sue
Thanks Sus! I appreciate it:) Hugs and love xox
I can definatly relate to this. I blame some men. Those who think attractive is super skinny influence some of us to go overboard just like myself included. I personally slowly put the weight back on. My body had gone through such agony from weight loss that it struggled, but I did get there. Your article mentioned looking at the number on the scale. It has been 43 years since I was anorexic at 16-17 years old. I still struggle to look at the scale at a doctor appointment. I did this time and I liked what I saw. A healthy 140 lbs. I wonder how I would have reacted if the numbers were not what I desired. I would never go back there again though.
Thanks Teresa, for sharing this. I’m sorry that our pasts connect us, but I am so glad that we’re nothing living abundantly in freedom. Cheering you on in your recovery, sister. Hugs and love xox
oh wow, so you struggled also with AN for that long period of time! I am 32 now and did restricted and go up and down from age 17 also..
I am afraid that I damage my metabolism and will put on weight very quick and easaly 🙁
Did you do it yourself or with help?
How did you increase your intake?
Because I was I was still a teenager my mom threatened to put me into the hospital. I was just bullheaded enough that I was not going to let her go through with it. I have to be honest. When I saw my weight get down to 65 pounds it scared. It was a slow process. I started out slow eating full meals but in small portions.
Here is truth in the inward parts. Bless you beautiful lady.
Oh gosh, thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it. hugs xox
As a clinician who has treated eating disorders for years, I want to thank you sincerely for posting your valuable experience, strength and hope here so that others who suffer can heal. I especially appreciate what you said about being glad you were inpatient as you began to recover to a normal weight. All the best to you!
Thanks so much Shielagh. I’m honored that you would take the time to read my blog. Thanks for your wonderful words of encouragement. Hugs and love xox
Love the way you uncover lies and point to the truth. We are made in God’s image and we are beautiful. We don’t need to adjust ourselves to meet a warped Hollywood image. God bless you. Thanks for keeping up the good fight – truth will prevail.
Which supplements do you recommend? I struggle to gain weight, my stomach got tiny and I can’t eat much. Please help me
I would say, Ensure Plus is the best:) way to go! Keep fighting!! Hugs and love xox
This is the first time I am visiting this blog and I am impressed. What we all forget to believe sometimes is the fact that after we are born again, we are actually the sons of God. As Christ was on earth, so are we today in God’s eyes. We need to accept that and let it heal us. Thank you and keep writing. . .
Thank you so much for this heart felt reflection. Yes! we are sons and daughters of God! amen to that! hugs ox
A friend of mine showed me this blog recently and I’ve been reading a couple of posts every day. It really came to me at the right time and I consider it a total God thing.
I’ve struggled with anorexia since 2009. God gave me the sense to realize that I was losing weight way too fast and that I needed help so I reached out. But at the time I was at college, 4.5 hours from home with no transportation. The people helping me were about as clueless as I was, but their help kept me from completely drowning. Once I got home (and I’ve been going to school MUCH closer to home now) things got a bit better. My parents and I kind of ignored it, but I’m coming to realize that I never let my parents know how bad it was. Maybe it’s not that they’re ashamed of me and are ignoring it, but I’m ashamed of myself and am keeping it a secret, so the ones that want to, and can help me the most, have no idea how I’m struggling.
I never got professional help in any form, and I just kind of ignore that it ever happened. It’s hard to reach out when anorexia makes you feel so shamed. But I’m realizing now, to help me heal, and to help me get through this, I need to reach out to the people who love me and talk about it. God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear after all. And He puts people in our lives for a reason. I really would not have come to this realization without reading your posts.
This post in particular nearly had me in tears. It makes such a difference to hear all of this from someone who has been in the trenches. I’ve had friends tell me similar things but none of them have battled an eating disorder. You have been so thorough and I’m just in awe that I don’t have to be afraid of food or weight gain. Ever since 2009 I’ve been struggling with a plethora of health issues. No doubt the rough treatment of my body is playing a big part in that. But your posts, especially this one, have given me hope.
Thank you so much for doing this. You’re helping so many people and are such a blessing!
Hi Anna, gosh i am sending you the biggest hug in the entire world. thank you for sharing your story with me. First of all, i just want to encourage you that there is nothing at all to be ashamed of. The fact is, you’re changing the narrative and actively working to reclaim your life and that should be celebrated. i think going to school closer to home is so important. having a solid support system is crucial for a sustained recovery. I hope you know that i am in your corner and am cheering you on as you take control of this aspect of your life that has been keeping you from living the abundant life you so deserve. Keep me posted, and cling to that hope, Anna. You’re a warrior and you can do it! big big hugs to you xox
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Thanks for the link up! Hugs and love xox
Jesus Christ Loves us and will be there for us, Once we be born again we are going to be awesome, trust me God is Love so its best to trust him with all your problems
Thank you Lucas for sharing your heart! amen! Hugs and love xox