Recovery is hard. Things can be going fine β swell even — and then all of a sudden β BAM! β something triggers an emotional break down, or β BAM! — you all of a sudden will internally freak out about the number of calories youβre consuming. Or youβll be having a great day, determined to get better, but then out of nowhere β BAM! β youβll have a bad body image flare up. Or say yesterday you conquered a pint of Ben & Jerryβs, or ate a cheeseburger β Woo! Recovery win! Youβre on top of the world! But then the next day β BAM! β ice cream becomes a fear food again, and a cheeseburger seems insurmountable.
Thatβs why recovery is hard: because of the unexpected blows that knock the wind out of you and make recovery seem impossible.
Iβll refer to these times as βattacks on your recovery.β Because thatβs exactly what they are: attacks. Theyβre an attack by ED to get control of your mind again. ED ruthlessly tries to slither his way back into your mind during recovery. Dirty bastard.
So during these attacks, one thing is certain: eating is the last thing that you want to do. Your skin is crawling, you feel nauseous from the amount of anxiety and fear. Eating a meal is out of the picture.
But you have to do it. You have to push through. Because if you donβt, youβre giving ED a foothold. Youβre letting him put a crack in your windshield.
Have you ever seen a car with one of those huge spider-webby cracked windshields? Like where half of the entire windshield is just shattered? Like, how is that even still intact?! Well guess whatβ¦it started with one little crack. That tiny crack then grew and grew until the entire windshield was annihilated.
Recovery is the same way. Every time you let ED win: every time you skip a snack, or refuse an Ensure, or donβt scrape out every last bit of peanut butter from the tablespoon β ED is putting a crack in your windshield. You may not realize it, but youβre inviting Him back into your life.
So whatβs a girl to do? Youβre having an awful day, and dinnertime is coming up and you just. canβt. do it. The positive thinking and the βJesus loves meβ stuff β yeah, theyβre great, but they just donβt cut it. Not right now. Not at this moment where youβre this close to giving in to ED, giving up the fight, letting ED win.
Well hereβs what worked for me. And Iβve shared this with a number of sweet girls on IG (@anorexiarevealed2), and every single one of them told me how incredibly motivating this is, and how it actually worked for them. So, take it as you will.
GET ANGRY.
And I know Iβve mentioned this in a previous post, but I wanted to make a separate piece on just those two words: GET ANGRY. Itβs that important.
First, think about your life before your eating disorder. What did you love doing? What were you passionate about? What were your dreams? Goals? Adventures you wanted to take? What were your relationships like? What were you looking forward to? #RealTalk: ED ROBBED YOU OF THOSE THINGS!
Just think about everything that ED, the horrid thief, STOLE FROM YOU! Make a list! Write it down so you can see it! He f#cking ripped them away from you!! So GET ANGRY!!
I mean, get really, really PISSED OFF where youβre like foaming at the mouth, riled up, ready to fight. Get the Rocky theme song going in the back of your mindβ¦FEEL THE RAGE.
If youβre anything like me, then your eating disorder told you that your feelings didnβt matter, and to bottle them up. So, I donβt know about you, but I had a crap-ton of emotions pent up inside of me. Well let it out, baby!
Second: Alright, so youβre pissed off. ENRAGED. Good! Now use that rage as motivation and let every bite you take be a way to reclaim your life. Let each bite you take be a way to say a big, βF-You!β to ED. And eat with determination. This is YOUR LIFE. Not EDβs! This is YOUR future. ED thinks he can just STEAL that away again?! No F-ing way! Not without a fight!
This helped me so much on those days that I just wanted to give up. And it was actually kind of funny to watch β Iβd be like, chewing and snarling and just β grrr β the inner beast had been released! You know the new βbabyβ vampires in Twilight, and how they were reckless in their feeding frenzy, and theyβd absolutely destroy their kill, and come up and have blood dripping from the side of their mouth? Yeahβ¦I probably looked a little bit like that. Haha
But in all seriousness, when you feel as though a meal is insurmountable, or that you just want to quitβ¦GET ANGRY.
ED is a damn robber. A crook. A thief. And he STOLE YOUR LIFE. And heβs trying to do it again. Donβt let him. You are worth so much more than that. You need to defend your recovery with the same tenacity as ED has for putting a crack in your windshield.
You can do it. I believe in you.
15 responses to “GET ANGRY”
[…] figure out what you need to hear that day that will make you beat ED. Some days it’s getting pissedΒ at ED for robbing me of my life. Other days it’s a stern pep talk like this. Other days it’s […]
[…] I was vibrant. I was exciting. I had passion, zest, life, energy, love, and zeal. Anorexia took all those things and killed them, as it was slowly killing […]
Pretty “F-ing” amazing. π
π yeah sometimes recovery takes ferociousness.
This is brilliant!
Thanks Hannah! I appreciate it ππβ€οΈ
great advice. Practical. You are providing solid tools for tackling this!
thanks π I hope so!! i just want to be used by Him! π xox
This is honestly one of the most helpful tactics to get through those days when you just don’t want to pick up the fork. Thanks so much! Your writing is truly brilliant and inspirational.
Thank you so much Alissa! Glad it hit home with you. Sending massive hugs and love. Cheering for you in your recovery! Xox
Hi Caralyn/BBB/Jane Doe (uh..lol?),
I know you wrote this as a motivational post for people in recovery, but I was laughing hard while reading this. Maybe it’s all the CAPS, or trying to imagine you getting angry which is hilarious, I don’t know ahah.
Hope I don’t offend anyone here; anyways, this is one of the best blog posts I’ve read all year, not just for ED but any issue/disorder in life, so thank you sincerely.
Looking forward (and am curious) to see how this journey of yours unfolded; it’s like reading a good book right before bedtime. And it’s for free, God bless the internet. π
Hah thanks Psy. Glad you enjoyed it:) big hugs xox
Sorry if I went overboard, TMI… Hugs
Hulk Smash.
Amirite?
haha yes!!