Recovery is hard. Things can be going fine – swell even — and then all of a sudden – BAM! – something triggers an emotional break down, or – BAM! — you all of a sudden will internally freak out about the number of calories you’re consuming. Or you’ll be having a great day, determined to get better, but then out of nowhere – BAM! – you’ll have a bad body image flare up. Or say yesterday you conquered a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, or ate a cheeseburger – Woo! Recovery win! You’re on top of the world! But then the next day – BAM! – ice cream becomes a fear food again, and a cheeseburger seems insurmountable.
That’s why recovery is hard: because of the unexpected blows that knock the wind out of you and make recovery seem impossible.
I’ll refer to these times as “attacks on your recovery.” Because that’s exactly what they are: attacks. They’re an attack by ED to get control of your mind again. ED ruthlessly tries to slither his way back into your mind during recovery. Dirty bastard.
So during these attacks, one thing is certain: eating is the last thing that you want to do. Your skin is crawling, you feel nauseous from the amount of anxiety and fear. Eating a meal is out of the picture.
But you have to do it. You have to push through. Because if you don’t, you’re giving ED a foothold. You’re letting him put a crack in your windshield.
Have you ever seen a car with one of those huge spider-webby cracked windshields? Like where half of the entire windshield is just shattered? Like, how is that even still intact?! Well guess what…it started with one little crack. That tiny crack then grew and grew until the entire windshield was annihilated.
Recovery is the same way. Every time you let ED win: every time you skip a snack, or refuse an Ensure, or don’t scrape out every last bit of peanut butter from the tablespoon – ED is putting a crack in your windshield. You may not realize it, but you’re inviting Him back into your life.
So what’s a girl to do? You’re having an awful day, and dinnertime is coming up and you just. can’t. do it. The positive thinking and the “Jesus loves me” stuff – yeah, they’re great, but they just don’t cut it. Not right now. Not at this moment where you’re this close to giving in to ED, giving up the fight, letting ED win.
Well here’s what worked for me. And I’ve shared this with a number of sweet girls on IG (@anorexiarevealed2), and every single one of them told me how incredibly motivating this is, and how it actually worked for them. So, take it as you will.
And I know I’ve mentioned this in a previous post, but I wanted to make a separate piece on just those two words: GET ANGRY. It’s that important.
First, think about your life before your eating disorder. What did you love doing? What were you passionate about? What were your dreams? Goals? Adventures you wanted to take? What were your relationships like? What were you looking forward to? #RealTalk: ED ROBBED YOU OF THOSE THINGS!
Just think about everything that ED, the horrid thief, STOLE FROM YOU! Make a list! Write it down so you can see it! He f#cking ripped them away from you!! So GET ANGRY!!
I mean, get really, really PISSED OFF where you’re like foaming at the mouth, riled up, ready to fight. Get the Rocky theme song going in the back of your mind…FEEL THE RAGE.
If you’re anything like me, then your eating disorder told you that your feelings didn’t matter, and to bottle them up. So, I don’t know about you, but I had a crap-ton of emotions pent up inside of me. Well let it out, baby!
Second: Alright, so you’re pissed off. ENRAGED. Good! Now use that rage as motivation and let every bite you take be a way to reclaim your life. Let each bite you take be a way to say a big, “F-You!” to ED. And eat with determination. This is YOUR LIFE. Not ED’s! This is YOUR future. ED thinks he can just STEAL that away again?! No F-ing way! Not without a fight!
This helped me so much on those days that I just wanted to give up. And it was actually kind of funny to watch – I’d be like, chewing and snarling and just – grrr – the inner beast had been released! You know the new “baby” vampires in Twilight, and how they were reckless in their feeding frenzy, and they’d absolutely destroy their kill, and come up and have blood dripping from the side of their mouth? Yeah…I probably looked a little bit like that. Haha
But in all seriousness, when you feel as though a meal is insurmountable, or that you just want to quit…GET ANGRY.
ED is a damn robber. A crook. A thief. And he STOLE YOUR LIFE. And he’s trying to do it again. Don’t let him. You are worth so much more than that. You need to defend your recovery with the same tenacity as ED has for putting a crack in your windshield.
You can do it. I believe in you.