Walking in the Rain

Sometimes I forget about the life I once lived. The life I was trapped in eight years ago when I was in the depths of anorexia.

But even though I write about my recovery and the freedom I’ve been given and found in my new life, I don’t really confront or think about that dark period of my life. I focus on the good.

And being in Manhattan is really a big contributing factor of that. It’s been a fresh start for me. A clean slate. A place where there are no shadows from the past following me around. It’s been instrumental to my recovery in a lot of ways.

So, really, my past and my present have never really collided. At least not in this new place I’m in. Not in New York.

Until this weekend.

When I think back to high school, which was when my anorexia developed, if I could personify my experience into a person, it would be one of the captains of our football team. We’ll call him…Frank. So anyway, Frank and I grew up together…neighbors…had been friends since elementary school. And in high school, his house was the party house.

And the perfectionism I developed as a result of my anorexia made it so I wouldn’t drink alcohol. I was dating the other captain of the football team, so I’d go to the parties, but there was no way in hell I’d drink.

Anyways…that was Frank.

And this weekend, I learned that he’s in the city.

And wants to get drinks.

Guys. The last time I saw this guy was when I was 78 pounds and getting shipped off to inpatient. Like, to say I was feeling some anxiety about seeing him again is probably the understatement of the century.

I spent the two days leading up to the get-together completely inside my own head. My past darkness and my current freedom were now colliding — BAM – on my new turf. Those 48 hours sent me back, remembering, all the pain and suffering and enslavement I had during high school to a disease that nearly took my life.

Long story the short, we had a great time. He was genuinely happy to see me and happy to see that I’m living life to the full again. I had nothing to worry about.

That’s not the point of this post.

I want to share what happened the following day.

I woke up the next morning, and I’m not going to lie, I had quite the hangover. Tequila does that. And here’s my remedy that I always do: I take a nice, brisk walk, usually somewhere between 45 minutes to an hour. The fresh air, a green juice, and the endorphin kick usually do the trick to combat the fogginess.

So I was out on my walk, it was a beautiful, blue-sky day, and right when I’m at my turnaround point –30 minutes out– a storm kicks up. And all of a sudden I’m caught in a torrential downpour. I kid you not, this thing came out of nowhere and it was like the rain was coming down sideways it was raining so hard.

And naturally, I didn’t have an umbrella. And I was wearing a knee-length down puffy coat, as one does in the winter in NYC.

So here I am, without an umbrella, without a metro card or wallet, 30 minutes away from my apartment, in the driving rain.

Oh yeah, and I’m on the river, so there was not a building to duck into, either.

So I just conceded to the fact that, welp…I was going to get wet.

And as I was walking home – I don’t know if it was the rain, or the fact that I was afraid of getting electrocuted so I wasn’t listening to any music in my headphones – but my mind found its way back to high school, thinking about all the experiences and joys and relationships I missed out on. I mean, I didn’t walk with my class at graduation because I was at inpatient, I had to drop out of all my extra curriculars, I threw away most of my friendships because I isolated myself with ED. I didn’t even respond to phone calls or call people back. I didn’t partake in any of the parties or tailgates or fun “senior year” traditions because I was so wrapped up in my eating disorder. I went from being a homecoming court, very involved, student athlete with a lot of friends, to a shell of my former existence, wasting away physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially — and to top it all off, I had lost 90% of my hair. And I’m telling you these things, not because I’m fishing for pity or anything like that. I’m just painting a picture for you of what my final two years of high school were like.

But as I was walking home in that head space, getting angrier and more verklempt, I looked up, and there was this gorgeous double rainbow in front of me. I mean, it was vibrant and clear as day. It was the strangest thing, it was pouring cats and dogs, and yet the sun was brilliantly shining and there were the two brightest rainbows I’ve ever seen.

And in that moment, I knew that those rainbows were from God.

I know. Let’s just get the collective eye rolls out of the way right now. I am aware of how cheesy that sounds. Let’s just accept it and move forward.

But we all know the story of Noah and the ark. And how after the flood, God promised Noah that He’d never destroy the earth again. And the rainbow was a sign of that promise.

Well, I saw that rainbow, and I just knew that God was showing me a sign of that promise: that I will never be in that dark place again. That I am in His arms — safe — and He’s never going to let that be a part of my story ever again. Not if I stay in His embrace.

And I think that rainbow was also communicating something else too.

I think when we’re “caught in the rain” during difficult periods of life, we tend to focus on the rain. Focus on – Crap, I don’t have an umbrella. I’m getting drenched. This sucks. Royally. 

All I had to do was look up. Stop focusing on my wet shoes and soaking wet puffy coat and the cold, and look up. Because there, right in the middle of the darkness, was this brilliant demonstration of His love. A reminder that I’m not alone.

That rainbow was a reminder that, “Hey, BBB. Look where you are. You survived. I never abandoned you, but saw you through. And hey, look how far you’ve come. You’re not in that dark place anymore. Focus on Me. Not on the storm.

So maybe it was just a rainbow. A coincidence. A beautiful display of nature at its finest.

But I don’t know. It’s too coincidental that I had just come off of a weekend where I spent the majority of time thinking about that dark, stormy time in my life, and then seeing Frank, who is the personification of that time — and then the next day to have to walk home in a torrential downpour for 30 minutes, only to experience the brightest double rainbow I’ve ever seen.

It’s just a little too scripted — too providential — to not give it a second thought.

Anywho. That’s all for today. If you’re in the storm, take a breath and look up, because there may just be a double rainbow.

Gardens: stars

201 responses to “Walking in the Rain”

  1. I really enjoyed this. I was having sort of a dark week. And this was helpful. Not that I can relate to your specific circumstance. However I can relate living in my own issues and having them sneek up on me. Perspective, sometimes we need more than just our own to understand that we will all make it through somehow. And I’ll pray for you.

    • Thank you so much. I appreciate your prayers so much. I will definitely pray for you as well. You’re so right. Sometimes seeing the struggles of another can make us see our own in a different light. Thanks for stopping by and for your encouragement! Hugs! Xx

      • Not only that. But I have come to realize. People tend to wallow in their misfortunes, not even realizing or forgetting that there’s a whole other world around us.
        It becomes all about us. And I’m so guilty of this as well. Especially as an on again off again Christian.

      • I definitely find myself doing that as well. It is an easy habit to get into. But yes, there is a whole world around us. I have to remember that there are so many out there in other parts of the world that don’t have the luxuries we have in a first world country – i.e. Running water, indoor plumbing, Internet etc. but there is a big picture to be seen. Thanks for that reminder:) have a great night! ☺️

  2. Wonderful post! I think it’s good sometimes to revisit your really difficult times, to remind yourself you made it! And savor how good it feels to be where you are now 🙂

  3. I’m in a small storm right now. You see, I’m a runner and today I slipped on some ice and my knee is the size of a grapefruit. I’ve been good about being sedentary today and not reading too much into it. Talking with my running coach has helped and she tells me not to stress about it…but I am really sad that tomorrow when I wake up, my knee will probably still hurt and I won’t be able to run. I’m trying to focus on the positive, like it will heal and luckily I don’t have a race till April, but I have some exercise anxiety. Needless to say, I don’t remember a day when I didn’t move. I’m kind of freaked out. Pray for me girl 🙂 <3

    • Hi Ellie! Oh no! I am so sorry to hear about your knee! Gosh that stinks. I hope it’s a speedy recovery. But girl, I GET IT about the exercise anxiety. It wasn’t until I literally was forced to give it up for an entire year (I was on bed rest for ulcerative colitis) that I finally got over the absolute need for working out. I have a much better relationship with it now and barely work out at all – I just take leisurely strolls a couple times a week. But yeah it literally took being in bed rest to fight that lingering aspect. I will so pray for you girl! April is a long ways a way, and the body has an amazing ability to bounce back after injury. It’s amazing. Sending you so much love girl! Hang in there❤️❤️❤️❤️

  4. This is a truly wonderful post 🙂 Your whole story about how the rainbow symbolized God telling you to promise both him and yourself that you will not return to your old ways 🙂 Beautiful post 🙂 I could go on, but everything you wrote here (as in your other posts) can only be justified in words by you because you have that gift 🙂 Anyway, keep up the great work as always 🙂

    • Oh thank you so much John! Gosh, I am humbled. Thank you☺️ maybe it was just a coincidence, but I wouldn’t put it past the Big Man to give me a little nudge of encouragement when I needed it most. Thanks for reading and for sharing your thoughts! Hugs!

  5. I’ve been through my shares of storms — of both the literal and figurative varieties — and have found that each of them has had some kind of silver lining, rainbow, or other positive attribute, although those little blessings have not always been obvious to me in the moment. Good for you for seeing them! And for writing about them. You write with such honesty and poignancy. I’m new to WordPress and always look forward to reading your posts.

    • Hi Adrienne! Oh gosh I’m sorry that you’ve had to endorse some storms, but I’m so glad that you were able to find the silver lining! Hindsight is always 20/20. Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. It means the world:) and welcome to WordPress! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

    • Hi Rose! Oh thank you so much. I’m glad you like the photos! I have fun making them, even though it is a bit of a labor of love haha thanks for dropping by and for your affirming words! Hugs to you! Xoxo

  6. Praising God for you and His handiwork therein for another testimony of how much He loves ALL OF US! You are doing the work of an effectual evangelist, you know! Such a gifted writer, and I love all your photo-sayings (what are they called?)

    • My goodness thank you for your kind words Deanna! Wow I am just humbled. God is good, that’s all I can say! And yes, He loves us immensely. And thanks! Hah they’re just little word art thingies. They’re a bit of a labor of love Br I enjoy making them:) thanks again! Hugs! Xx

  7. Wow!!! That was great…I think we all have those moments when we think back to our own personal dark times..matter of fact I just did about an hour ago..and thought what?!?! Where did that come from?? Just our friendly neighborhood enemy at work to try and remind us of who we were..then I laughed and said get the heck outta here man u don’t live here anymore. I’m so glad you’re doing well and that you had a great time…even in the rain.

  8. How powerful. Thank you for sharing your truth. It is meaningful that you’re creating an open discussion around anorexia because there’s so much stigma surrounding it.

    • Oh thank you so much ☺️ that really means a lot! You’re right there is so much stigma about it. But it needs to be talked about. I’m trying to work up the courage to stop being anonymous and share who I am. Because I feel such a desire to share that intimate part with this beautiful and supportive community. That’s a big step though. Baby steps. But thanks for reading and sharing your kind words! Hugs!

  9. I love your story. You are such an inspiring soul. While I am recovering from a different illness, reading about your journey reaffirms the hope that sharing stories brings.

    • Oh thank you so much Megan ❤️ I agree. We are loved so deeply and mercifully by our Heavenly Father. Thanks for your continued readership. It really means a lot. Have a great night ☺️

  10. Wow! What a beautiful post. I think that it is not a coincidence and your perception is very refreshing. I may have been one of those eye rollers a long long time ago but your honest sharing of life is filled with God’s Providence and helping me and I would think others to relate your journey more closely with our own. Thank you so much!

  11. Aaaaaaaaaaah what an inspiring post. My eating disoder travels with me wherever I go. I’ve been in active recovery for 4 years and an on the cusp of finally helping others in their struggle.Evertything that I have doen in the past four years has been a success. The one thing I have in my reach and I’m already in the seat to help others and Anorexia has decided to toy with me. I think for most of of my life I was only really successful with Anorexia. All the things about losing friends, not answering phonecalles etc.. losing your health -hair, teeth etc… wa what I was god at. Now I finally have the key to freedom and success in ways I never dreamed possible and the bones of Anorexia success have resurrected from the grave and rattles my skeleton to the core. I have stopped eating . Why am I self sabotaging myself?

    • Hi Daisy, thank you for sharing this reflection. I think that ED like to mess with our minds and twist our thinking, making us believe that we “succeed” in our eating disorder, when the truth is, all ED is trying to do is kill us. I know that is blunt, but that is the truth. Anorexia kills. And finding freedom and self love and embracing recovery is the true “success.” I hate the word success because I think there comes a negative notion about winning or losing with it, but in this sense, I think it fits. I pray that you embrace that freedom, because daisy, you are worth it. You deserve to nourish yourself and to live abundantly, free from ED. Please feel free to email me at anytime. Sending love to you, precious girl. Hugs xox

  12. GREAT TESTIMONY, God Lives in the Praise of His People. Keep Your Focus on your Hope not your circumstances. Loved the openness of your message and graphic imagery.

  13. BBB, praise Jesus, beloved!

    I believe Abba Father is perfectly able to use His creation to speak to us of His eternal truth in precise moments like the one you shared with us in this post. When He speaks a word into our hearts like the one you received, it’s powerful.

    You are a warrior daughter of our Most High God! I esteem your fearlessness to be so transparent.

    You are a blessed blessing!

    • Wow JT, thank you so much for your kind words! It truly means a lot:) God is good and His love and mercy flows to all of us through the Holy Spirit. Thanks for stopping by and for your wonderful words of affirmation! Have a great day!

      • Thank YOU!

        Though I do not have personal experiences with ED, I’ve women in my life who do. But, the lies of the enemy attack the loveliness of women in varied ways and my past has not been without attack on my worth and value.

        You write in a way, and from your personal experiences, that gets to those root issues. You are oozing Holy Spirit inspired and I am honored to be your sister in Christ!

        I hope your day is filled with love and joy and peace, mami chula 😉

      • Thank you JT:) Yes, that is one of the enemy’s great forms of attack is against a woman’s value and worth in her eyes. But thankfully we have Someone who whispers to us our worth and loves us no matter what. Again, thank you for your readership. Sending love and hugs your way!

  14. You are a constant source of amazement and inspiration. Personally, I never roll my eyes, because I know. Well done, as always, JD. Your words always entertain, but never for the entertainment value itself. The message is always powerful and on point.

    You got me with ‘verklempt’. Had to look that one up. 😉 (psssst….it’s ‘electrocuted’, and I think the only danger would have been to the device itself :-))

    • Hey Tony! Oh gosh. Thank you from the bottom of my heart:) haha yeah I love that word verklempt! It sounds exactly like what it is haha! And thanks! I actually published this piece on my phone while I was working 😬 so I didn’t have the proper spellcheck capabilities. I’ll go back and fix that now. Thanks, as always, for your continued readership, Tony and for your insight! Have an awesome day!

  15. Love Love Love this blog! So transparent with your readers! It encouraged me to always look at the good in things rather than focus on the bad. Thank you for writing from your heart and telling your amazing testimony!

    • Oh my gosh thank you so much April! That really means a lot:) yes I always have to remind myself to look for the good. Life is better that way! Thanks for stopping by and for such encouraging words! Hugs!

  16. The song “The struggle is over” has been playing in my heart since early this morning. Reading your post has been such a confirmation. Joy!

  17. Great blog! It’s wonderful how open and raw you are in your blogs. I feel this is an endearing quality that so many are unable to accomplish, but for those that have the faith and strength to do so realize such a peaceful and freeing state of mind because of it. I am very proud of you for where you are today in Christ and for never giving up! May the peace that surpasses all understanding guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus, amen!

  18. What an incredible testimony Beauty, to the power of God’s redeeming Love. You have worth simply because you exist, not because mankind has a list to what you should strive to be. Because God loved and desired to create you even before the world began (Psalm 139). That should be enough. So proud of the woman you have become and the shining light that draws others to you. Blessings,

    • Thank you so much Ellie! Wow your words bring my heart so much warmth and love. Thank you for that. Yes, God is so good and gracious and loving and I owe absolutely everything to Him. Thanks for stopping by! Have a beautiful day!

  19. Thank you for being so open and honest about the dark depths anyone who’s had an eating disorder can find themselves in. Once again I could totally relate and I’m just so pleased that you are recovering in the embrace of Gods love and enjoying all the blessings he has stored up for you.

    I have come across rainbows before and definitely consider them a promise from God- in that wet, stormy walk, Gods promise shone upon you as a reminder of how much he loves you, where he’s brought you from and how he’s with you all the time. It’s almost like he’s reminding you that everything’s going to be okay! 🙂

    May God continue to bless you x

    • Hey Cheryl😻 I so agree. I definitely felt God smiling on me through that rainbow. Because yes, he DOES love us and is always with us. Thanks again for such thoughtful words. Your responses always bring my heart so much joy. So thank you for that. I am grateful:) have a wonderful evening! Xox

  20. I can relate to your post, not due to the same circumstance but from my own…most certainly! Thank you for sharing, I’m in a path right now in which I am searching for that last piece to my puzzle…you know… I’ve been wondering what it is for the past five years and the funny thing is that I’ve known all along what it is… I’ve just been afraid to accept something I made the decision to distance myself from a long time ago. Anyway, I’m sure my comment won’t make a lot of sense to you and the point is that it helped me realize that it’s time to make that next step. You never know where you’ll find the next clue huh?!
    Best of luck! I look forward to exploring your blog.

    • Hi Ahidee, thank you for such a heartfelt reflection. You know, I actually know exactly what you mean. For a long time I knew I needed recovery and knew that’s what was best for me and would save my life but I did NOT want it. Adamantly. But it was honestly the best decision of my life and I probably wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for that decision. I will definitely keep you in my heart during your jouney❤️☺️❤️ thanks for reading xx

  21. Wow; what a story, and so well told. It was a great way to recovery, and to find God. Not all anorexia stories are like this. I new several young women who survived anorexia, and they have to be vigilant about relapsing. One very good friend of mine, was in and out of hospital for a few years, and eventually put onto dope to help cure her, a habit that she has never been able to give up, but at least she is still alive and contributing wonderful ideas and projects to society. I have asked for years to write this all down, so that others can use her story and information as a help, but she has not been able to, so it is great that you have been able to share this. Best wishes and blessings, Charles.

  22. Beautiful. What an amazing testimony you have. You have overcome so much! God loves to surprise us with His love in unexpected ways, doesn’t He? 🙂

  23. Beautiful post. I’m currently sharing my stories from my past with ED’s and as hard as it can be to write about, it’s the therapy that I never thought I needed. I’m so glad you found your rainbows :).

  24. For those of us with faith, no proof is needed. For those without faith, no amount of proof is possible (maybe). Yes, those double rainbows were for you. You see in the world what is inside you. You can see God everywhere. I do, too. The trick is learning to tune out the world’s noise and distraction. My blog helps me do this. I think yours does as well. Very nice to meet you. Be well, stay well.

    • Thank you so much:) yes God is everywhere. We just have to look to see it:) thanks for stopping by. I’m glad your blog is helping you to focus on His love as well! Hugs to you!

  25. Your ability to turn something negative into a positive is empowering. Your journey to recovery is inspirational. You’re such a role model to so many who are trapped in situations not only by ED, but by depression or anxiety. Love your blog!

  26. That post is beautiful.

    Hey, the double rainbow would have been in the sky whether you had been caught out in the rain or not. Sure, that’s true. However, there was a reason why you were out in the rain the day after meeting Frank and looking at the double rainbow. That’s the part where you are being spoken to.

    No, my eyes didn’t roll when you wrote that. Sometimes, it seems cheesy the ways that God speaks to you…but, speak to you he does.

  27. Thoroughly enjoyed this post. It reminded me so much of myself, and I thank you for sharing such vulnerability. You painted an epic picture with this.

  28. What a beautiful post! I’ve learned to enjoy rain when it comes. Cherish the moment and know it makes the sun shine even brighter.

  29. What a wonderful perspective! I too, wasted a lot of time in high school, not with an ED but with a toxic relationship. Thank you for stopping by my brand new blog and for the ‘like’! I don’t know you but, I am proud of you for overcoming! I hope with some practice I can articulate my experiences as well as you do.

  30. Thank you for your honesty and openness and may your message of hope resound. I once wrote a song from the viewpoint of an anorexic girl I knew. Played it at church. People were moved. Teenage girls came up afterward and asked the band to play it again. It was great, but it didn’t go anywhere after that, and the girl never knew. May your stuff be found and may girls be rescued.

    • Oh thank you so much much. Wow that sounds like it was a powerful song and a very moving musical experience. You never know the true impact something like that has. Thanks for sharing 🙂

  31. I want to begin by saying thank you for your like on my post. I have just finished reading your inspirational post and I thank you for that also. I look forward to knowing you. Belinda

  32. This is a beautiful post! Look up & follow Me. ♡ I’m learning day by day. I needed this today. Thank you for sharing!

      • I’d love for you to check out my site, but the “Look Up & Follow Me” was what I heard while reading your post. I am a control freak or at least my “former” self was (trying to leave that behind!) Anyway, i struggle with the control issue and not asking for help when I need it. 😉 I’m working on “looking UP and following Jesus” <3

      • Hey! Oh gosh, so am I. I think that’s one of the hardest things to do and is a lifelong journey/process. But thanks. I’ll definitely check you out❤️

  33. Beautiful post, cracked me up with that picture from mean girls, I thoroughly enjoyed your post and am in awe of how you overcame your obstacles. It’s so great that you don’t let your past interfere with the present because it’s important to live for today and make the best out of every day because we truly don’t know if there will be a tomorrow, we only have today. Very enlightening, keep up the beautiful work. Definitely following.

  34. Excellent! I just posted on my FB page today about PRAISING HIM in the midst of your struggles! PRAISE is the key to getting out of bondage of any kind. What a blessing this post has been. You’ve come a long way! PRAISE GOD!

      • Proverbs 16:33 – “The lot is cast into the lap, but it’s every decision is from the LORD.” Matthew 10:29 – “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.” Romans 8:28 – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Just thought you might enjoy those! I was inspired by your depth and honesty. You surely inspire anyone who has gone through any deep waters, which all of us have or will at one time or another. Keep us the good work, and God had you in mind when that double rainbow was put out by him!

  35. Sounds like a cleansing experience which is what God did when He sent the rain during the days of Noah. He cleansed and said never again! Beautiful. Brought a tear to my eye because I’m constantly reminded of His love in the oddest ways.

    Thankful for your healing!

    • Thank you so much! Your kind words and encouragement really means a lot. I am definitely thankful for the healing I’ve received too! God is good! Thanks for stopping by❤️

  36. Sounds like the New York I remember. I started to get fearful about going out without an umbrella, too. The place I grew clouds would move in and hang around for days and then go away–no rain! New York City was, oh, so much different. I’d see clouds, and, well, there was just going to be rain. Nothing I could do about, and one time, in particular, I wished I had remembered my umbrella. I was an LDS missionary at the time and always on the streets, anyway, 9:30 am to 9:30 pm every day. I loved reading your post, this post that I’m on right now. I’ve visited your blog many times but never actually finished reading a whole post. I’d lose interest and go elsewhere, but just this morning this one caught me for some reason, and I really liked it! Oh, New York…Sometimes I wish I was back, but when I come back to my senses, I realize that, no, I don’t. I’m fine living in the land where I grew up. Not the same community but in a town closeby. Sometimes I’m curious why you like so many of the posts of a Nihilist like myself, Caveman Dan, but I don’t really care, I guess. Anybody can read anything. That’s why I write. I write to be expressive. I write to be heard. I write because I can. I write because I want to. I write because I do and it gives an out for my frustrations. I don’t really care why people do what they do or choose what they choose. If I did, plenty of people would have a right to judge me right back! And I don’t really want that. But, New York, hmmm…we do have something in common after all. I never thought BBB and I would have anything common, but turns out we do. You seem really religious, and I’m a Nihilist. I guess the Bible says the Lamb and the lion will lie down together, right? I got into a fight today at the church I tried to go back to, socked a guy pretty hard. It was just a reflex. I wasn’t trying to hurt him. It just happened. The New Yorker in me, I guess. I don’t really want to explain my behaviors, just live my life like everyone else. I wish that I could say something meaningful or important, but I won’t. It’s just another day in the life of Caveman Dan, another night with very little sleep. Take care. You’re always welcome to read my blog, just caution: I am a Nihilist. Probably everything I build I’ll destroy, anyway. That’s the way we Nihilists are. Sorry. If you’re looking for someone like Jesus, I know people, or particularly a person who’s a lot more like that than I am. I grew up with him. Friends since first grade. We drifted apart but always came back together. He’s solid and a true friend. I’m a paradox and contradiction. You’ve probably noticed that. You seem to have a read/liked a great many of my writings over the past weeks and month or so. I don’t want to put you off or sound rude, but uhhh…, all I really want to do is be funny. People looking for answers probably won’t find them in me. I just want to be funny, crazy, and out-of-this-world. You know, one gal asked me if (a reader) if what I wrote really happened or if I was inventing characters that I was writing and living through them. I don’t really know to respond to these criticisms. I guess I’d rather people just read what I write or not, but not ask questions. I’m a real loser. I lost my way. I was mad at God to the extreme. I really do know that God exists. I had experiences when I was child that convinced me in ways that I never will doubt. I have visions and dreams. It’s probably all just the schizophrenia I was diagnosed with from the time I was 21 (course, they called it psychosis at first). You speak of anorexia. Sometimes I wondered if I had that, but I don’t think so. I was so into athletics, when I was 12 I would measure what I thought I wanted to eat and then eat half of it. I would leave hungry over and over. I felt light on my feet and more energetic (I now know, because my stomach was not working so hard to digest and therefore, freed up energy for activity!). Course, finally, I just started going weak all over, and that was no fun. Later, some dude convinced to do a 3-day fast. That did not go over well. If not for the prayers of my wife, it might have killed me. I have been so extreme. I have been so obsessive-compulsive, and so is this friend of mine that I mention to you. We are both obsessive-compulsive (not officially, of course–just between the two of us.) I consider myself fearless. I don’t get intimidated. Even death just seems like a step in the right direction. I actually want to be scared by things like talking to people that nobody dares talk to, say things that nobody dares say, be something that nobody dares be. It’s just in my genes, just in my nature to swim in deep waters. I often dream that I am swimming oceans and surprised that I end up crossing. I dream of walls around me. Around my bed. I need to pee, but I can’t get out, because around my bed are all walls. Well, off I go. I don’t want to spoil your whole day, just a little of it, send some clouds and rainstorm your way so that a person like my friend can mean so much more when his sun and rainbows show up! I like to razz people. I love to bug. I guess some might consider that annoying, and that’s probably why I’ve ended up in jails and hospitals so many times. But I still do it, anyway. I’m not going to change my behaviors to conform to society or the police or neighbors or culture or expectations in general. I’m just going to be me, the whole entire unmasked Nihilist that I am, bring a few dark clouds and lots of rain. But plants need rain, too, and so do people! How the heck can I wash my neck if it ain’t gonna rain no more no more! Right?…Rain on!

    • Hi Daniel, thank you for this response. I have to be honest, I had to look up what nihilist meant. But thank you for sharing that. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it is to respect everyone and never judge anyone, for who am I to do that. I admire your willingness to share your heart, so thank you for that:) I think you hit the nail on the head: we all have different trials in life to endure. For me, it was anorexia. That “rain” looks different for you, and Susie, and Bob and Joe. But “rain” none the less. And we’re all just trying to figure out how to get through the storm. For me, that was clinging to Jesus. Hands down. I do not think it an exaggeration to say that without His saving power in my life I would not be alive. That was the severity of my disease. That’s where I was headed. 78 pounds, my heart could barely function. But I know that that is my belief and everyone is entitled to theirs. All I know is that, no matter what you believe or don’t believe, we’re all in this together, and it is my goal to just walk hand in hand with everyone. In the rain. Because it’s a whole lot easier to get through the storm knowing that there are people by your side, encouraging you and pushing you forward. Okay long response:) haha but thanks again for taking the time to share this. Hugs and love my friend xox

  37. Oddly enough, it’s raining this morning in Memphis as I read this post. I read it and a number of thoughts came through. Double rainbow? For you? Why not?!? I have run into too many “coincidences” in my life to discount something like this. Your friend comes from home town, gets you …tipsy? That requires you to do something about it the next morning. Do you see the chain forming?

    So I read this while it’s raining here, beating against the window of my home office. I’m thinking there’s a reason for that. I need to do more than a “like” on this one.

    And do you know what else I see in your experience? Baptism of sorts. Before you even got there, I knew he was there because he cared. Your anxiety was washed away, “baptized” out of you. The rainbows were God smiling, telling you that you just took another step away from those days. Maybe even a bit of a joke on you; standing there, bedraggled by the rain. and I think you have to laugh at His smiling rainbows.

    It just stopped raining. This second. Maybe God said I got down what He wanted. Perhaps. So go out and conquer…some more!!

    • Hey Jeffrey! Wow, thank you for this incredible reflection! I mean, my jaw is kinda on the floor right now. Allow me to pick it up ☺️☺️☺️ but seriously, thank you. God is amazing. You’re right I do think it was Him smiling on me. I mean, He is the maker of rainbows:) ❤️ I think He’s got quite the sense of humor. And how crazy about the rain, huh?! God definitely works in mysterious ways. And I think he’s always sending little nudges of support and smiles down to His kids. What a good Father:) any who, thanks as always for sharing your words of wisdom, Jeffrey. You’ve given me a lot to ponder this morning. Have a beautiful Tuesday! Xox

  38. I love your blog! You are real, transparent,witty, and brave. Thank you so much for visiting my blog so that I could find yours. Following 🙂

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