Dear Mom

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

This post is for my mom.

Someone who, I can easily say, knows me the best in the world.

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I don’t know why exactly this was put on my heart today to share about this, but whatever — that hasn’t stopped me before…

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This past Thanksgiving, my mom and I put up the Christmas tree together while I was home. We have an entire tree filled with just photo ornaments of my siblings and I through the years. One from every Christmas, for each of us. There are probably close to 200 photo ornaments on this tree and I’m not even exaggerating. The thing is packed. And priceless.

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Albeit, with a past that includes some “dark years” during my anorexia, there can be moments of…let’s just say…pause…whenever you come across a photo ornament of me during that time. And you know this…I wrote about how I threw that ornament away this past year and the resulting freedom.

But, there was an accompanying conversation that I didn’t blog about. But it has been weighing on my mind ever since, and that’s a pretty good indicator that I’m supposed to write about it.

SO.

The two of us were putting up the tree, and my mother quietly says, “I remember the year when I thought this was going to be my last Christmas with you.” Then she looks at me with wispy, loving eyes, and says, I’m so thankful you’re here and healthy.

That look stayed with me. She looked at me with her big, beautiful, brown eyes, and for the first time, I saw a teeny tiny glimpse of a sadness that was there from that history. An inkling of the pain those eyes had seen.

And that revealing of her heart, that vulnerability of sharing that with me…it had a lasting impact. One that, clearly, I still think about two and a half months later.

So with that…

Dear Mom,

I just wanted to say how deeply sorry I am for the pain I put you through. For the mental and emotional anguish you endured as result of my anorexia. I know that you don’t blame me, your daughter, for purposely or intentionally causing you those emotions, but the fact remains: my disease put you through a lot.

More than I will ever know. Because you have never made me feel responsible or guilty. You have always loved me unconditionally, and forgiven me, and stood by my side through it all.

But I am realizing now the true weight of my disease. How, there was a time when you had to come to terms with the fact that, despite your endless prayers and tireless efforts to get me to inpatient, that there was a very real possibility that I might not have “won the fight.” That there was a period of time when you had to come to terms with having to bury your child.

And that…I cannot even begin to imagine the toll that that took on your heart and your spirit.

Expressing how utterly sorry I am feels so empty – so trivial – so almost insulting – given the gravity of the situation and the degree of sorrow you endured.

I want you to know that not a day goes by that I am not grateful for your forgiveness. That there’s not a day that passes where I am not blown away by your love and compassion. And how each day I feel so fortunate to be your daughter.


Lastly. I don’t really know how to say this delicately, so I’m just going to come right out with it.

My anorexia was not your fault.

It was not the result of bad parenting. You never “said anything” or didn’t say anything that somehow caused the disease. You weren’t too preoccupied with outer beauty. You didn’t not talk about faith enough. You didn’t push me into thinking I had to be perfect. You didn’t make me feel that I had to excel, or look a certain way.

There was nothing that you did or didn’t do that caused my eating disorder.

I want you to know that.

I don’t want you to carry any guilt, or somehow feel responsible for it.

I don’t want to say you were a perfect mother, because no one is perfect— but you were pretty damn close.

The anorexia for me was a way to jump ship from a life that had become a “perfection monster.” One that — please note: you did not dictate or demand. 

That pressure, those standards — those were my doing. You never communicated or demonstrated that you expected perfection. Never. Not once.

I just wanted you to hear that.

   

Watching me waste away, I cannot imagine what that must have been like for you, and frankly, I don’t know how you endured it. I mean, I do — you spent every night at church in prayer to Jesus. But, still. I don’t know how, logistically, you made it through the days and nights.

Thank you for never giving up on me. 

Thank you for the love you’ve shown – before, during, and after the storm. Thank you for the trust that you’ve rebuilt with me, even though I didn’t deserve it. For the second, and third, and fourth, and sixty seventh chances you’ve given.



I could go on and on, but this is getting lengthy, so I will wrap it up with this:

You are an incredible mother. Teacher. Nurse. Listener. Cheerleader. Pray-er. Persevere-er. And best friend.

I love you.

xoxo

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

279 thoughts on “Dear Mom”

      1. and PS — sorry for just now getting back to your comments! for whatever reason, wordpress filtered them into my spam folder! *smacks head* silly WP! but thanks so much for reading! xoxo

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  3. Wow! And wow again! This is an awesome, tremendous post full of genuine pathos and deeply-felt gratitude. Three thumbs up for this one; thank you for posting it . . . and thank God for your dear mother! All the best to you (both) w/blessings.

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  6. And her ever-faithful, never-wavering love has been rewarded by the One who could have stopped it before you were an ounce or two away from death. Instead, he gave her a person who is more beautiful than she ever imagined and who has touched the lives (and probably saved a few) of so many.

    While it is true that your struggle caused her much pain, out of the ashes of your destruction has risen a giant among God’s children.

    She must be proud beyond belief.

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    1. Wow, Tony. I am so incredibly humbled and touched by your words. Thank you. Seriously. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for these kind and uplifting words. God is good. That’s all I can say. Thanks for being a great friend. Hugs and blessings to you:)

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  7. My favorite I’ve read of your posts so far and that is saying a lot. I was so moved as you processed the fact your mom faced the possibility of losing you. As a mom I can’t imagine that, but God is so faithful- He blessed you with the realization of it which opened your heart for a deeper relationship with your mom, who is clearly one of the greatest women who has ever lived. Thanks for posting this. If I can figure out to repost it on my blog, may I?

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    1. Thank you so much for this heartfelt reflection. You are spot on: my mom is definitely one of the greatest women who ever lived. Thank you for this affirmation. It means the world. And yes, I would be honored if you reposted it! Hugs and love to you xox

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  8. Love your honesty and story. Glad you are healthy now. I struggled for so many years with anorexia and bulimia. Your story is an inspirational and moving story. You are so lucky to have such a wonderful understanding and caring mother.

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    1. Hey miss Ellie! Yes, I definitely do not take it for granted. I really do have an incredible mom. She is my rock…well, my #2 rock if you know what I mean 👆👆👆🙏🙏 🙂 thanks for stopping by and sending you so many hugs my friend ❤️

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  12. I had tears in my eyes reading this. What a beautiful, heartfelt letter and precious gift you’ve given to your mother, and yourself, by forgiving and moving on. Life is too short to carry that sort of burden. Such a powerful post and so happy that you can share it with us today. Thank you.

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  13. This is so beautifully written. I’m so glad you were able to overcome this part of your life, and reflect back on it to share with others. I know what it’s like to see a sadness, or darkness in a family member. I know how easy it is to blame yourself. I think it’s amazing you wrote this for her, but don’t forget to write one to yourself. This diseases isn’t your moms fault – or yours. It is a mental disease that is no different than a physical one. I watched my older sister struggle with anorexia for years, and even as a little girl at the time, I always thought she was so strong. Every apology she gave to us, I questioned why she was doing so.

    So, I do know what it feels like to blame yourself for someone’s sadness or pain. But sometimes an apology to yourself, can also be a forgiveness.

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    1. Wow, what a powerful reflection. Thank you for the gift of this perspective. Seriously. You are incredible. I’m so sorry that your sister had to suffer from anorexia. It sounds like she had an amazing support system though. Thanks for this, my friend. So glad you stopped by. Hugs and love xx

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  15. What an awesome letter to your mom. I would like to say that I am very glad that you followed your heart and spoke these things. My mom died in January of 2014. I will never have the opportunity to have a conversation with her again. And, while the relationship wasn’t perfect, you don’t really miss your water until your well runs dry. I can appreciate how difficult this may have been for you. However, I guess what would have been more difficult would be if she had left this life and you had not shared these significant intimacies between you and her. The love between you two shines through, through all the difficulties, challenges, storms, etc. That’s what good mom’s do. Thank you so much for sharing.

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    1. Wow thank you so much for this powerful reflection. I am so sorry for your loss. The wisdom you have shared in this response is absolutely profound. I appreciate you sharing your heart and being so open. You’re right-we never know what we have until, “the well runs dry.” I will definitely be reflecting on this tonight. Sending you so much love and big big hugs.

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  17. You really need to supply hankies with these posts. Thank you for posting this quite intimate and personal apology. I know this is not a perfect apology but its pretty damn close. Blessings to you and your mother. Jack

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  20. Beautiful post indeed 🙂 You may have felt free throwing away that old ornament that was part of a dark time for you, but even though it came back most recently to haunt you, you more than overcame your fears in putting that dark past away once and for all 🙂 I am also glad that your relationship with your mother is strong and she is quite aware that your past anorexia was no fault of hers 🙂 Neither of us are perfect and in retrospect, we (including me) know that their are past decisions we would not have done. I hope your mother reads this blog entry because it is really loving and beautiful 🙂 Is she Internet savvy? 🙂 Anyway, keep up the great work as always 🙂

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    1. Hi John, gosh thank you for these wonderful and affirming words. Me too, I am so glad to be her daughter. And yes, my mom did read this and we had a beautiful conversation. I sent it to her earlier in the week for her blessing. Thanks again for your continued readership and friendship. Have a great night xox

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  22. This writing love note is so full of love! The best part is the valiant forgiveness between you and your Mom! Thank you for sharing, it really entered my heart. Joan

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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  23. This is just wonderful!! How lucky you are to have a mom like that. Many don’t. Many make it “about themselves” and stifle their children from feeling anything but anguish toward them. You have a wonderful, kind, and giving mother and she has a wonderful, beautiful, talented daughter!. God’s Blessings to both of you!! Hugs!!

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    1. Thanks Migueltio! Believe me, I definitely don’t take my mother for granted. I know how utterly blessed I am to have such a loving and caring mother. And thank you for such kind words:) I so appreciate your continuous support and encouragement. Have a great night, friend!

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  25. What a blessing. In an age where so many children blame their parents for their issues, and chose not to take responsibility, this is truly a blessing. Thank you for sharing the personal…and even though I don’t personally know you or your Mom, it is quite apparent your grace and love is coming from a great family!

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  26. First, the tree… how cool is that? Picture ornaments — I absolutely love it! On a deeper note, your Mom is incredible. I can feel the loving mother-daughter bond between the two of you in your writing. You’re both so fortunate to have each other and that connection. The deep love and respect you have for your Mother is clearly visible just reading your words releasing your Mom of any kind of guilt she may have felt or still feel for your disease. It’s true a lot of the time that we mothers blame ourselves for the problems our children have — I do it myself. Anyway, it’s apparent that you love her way too much to want anything coming in between the two of you. It’s BEAUTIFUL!

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    1. Thanks Jodee! So much.❤️ My mom really is my absolute best friend in the world and you’re right: I don’t want her carrying anything around like that. I know she doesn’t, but I’ve never actually explicitly told her that. And after that convo putting up the tree, I caught a glimpse into just how that period of my life, in which, I have always looked at from my perspective-I saw how it really wounded her. And she didn’t say that trying to communicate that AT ALL, but I could see it, hidden beneath the surface. Anywho, thank you for such a heartfelt reflection. I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. Hugs and love to you xox

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      1. You have a true treasure in your relationship. I’ve been a follower of yours for almost a year now. I’m so happy for you that those days of darkness are behind you. I will be praying that God bless you with the strength and courage as well as a hedge of protection against your disease. Much love and big hugs to you my sweet friend ☺️

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      2. ❤️❤️❤️oh wow. I am completely honored and humbled and grateful that you’ve been “with me” through this entire journey. Thank you Jodee. You’re right: it is a hugs hugs treasure. big hugs Xoxoxoxooxox

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  29. Hey BBB, you’ve been a continuous source of joy to me every day of your life. From the days when my heart would skip a beat in anticipation when the school bus would return you from school and I’d see you dancing down the street as you came home, to all the amazing and creative ways you expressed yourself and showed love to your family as you were growing up. And now that you’re all grown up, sharing a glass of wine in front of your fireplace and talking about absolutely everything for hours. You have always been the joy of my life. And through everything we’ve experienced together, all I have is gratitude for the many ways you’ve blessed my life. You are here. You are in my life. And I’m so grateful. You are beautiful and I have loved every single day of being your mom. I really do cherish you.

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    3. I had two sons who struggled with different addictions. One made it, one didn’t. I think I understand the emotions you have exchanged here. You are each a great gift to the other. Bless you both.

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      1. Melhpine, I am so sorry for your loss. my heart just breaks to hear that. I wish I could give you a big hug through the computer. I don’t pretend to understand why we have to go through the things we do, but I do know the comfort of having people in your corner. Although I do not know you personally, know that I am in your corner❤️ and that you’re in my heart tonight. Thank you for sharing this part of your story with us. Blessings and love xx

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  30. AWESOME! Thanks for this. Me and my mom had a wonderful conversation like this a year or so before she passed away. It was so wonderful after that. We lived in love and forgiveness and grace with each other and it changed my own and her life and relationship.
    I enjoy your journey!
    Many blessings from Our Lord Who is so kind and loving and keeps with us no matter what.
    In Him,
    Laura Matsuda
    lauramatsuda@gmail.com

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    1. Thank you so much Laura. I’m so glad you were able to have that conversation. How comforting to know that we will one day be reunited with our loved ones in Heaven 🙂 thank you for sharing this heartfelt reflection. Hugs xox

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  31. I always look forward to reading your lovely, inspirational posts. I am so moved by your bravery in communicating this part of your heart to your mom. I know it is hard to be obedient when God calls us to do something outside of our comfort zone. But now you are free and you can experience the blessings God has for you for being obedient to Him. You are an inspiration to me. Blessings.

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    1. Gosh, thank you. Truly, JM. Your words touch my heart and my spirit. They’re so encouraging and affirming and supportive. I am so grateful. Thank you. You’re right: God does call us to step out there in His name. And it is scary. But how comforting to know that he will always catch us and have our backs. Thanks for your continued readership and friendship. Love and massive hugs to you xox

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  36. Hello friend, well tried to rack my brain around why your writing and/or personal experiences I’ve had a profound impact on me. It wasn’t really until tonight that I realized why. I don’t know how to say this without tearing up. The reason I feel so closely related to your writing is because we have similarities in more than just one aspect of our lives. I was an impatient when I was an in patient when I was just 11 years old. At 11 years old I simply weighed in at 40 pounds. Much like you, I also have a very loving mother who went beyond what she was supposed to do for her son. One moment as I was growing up I was introduced to protein shakes and weight gainers and no I’m not talking about ensure because that stuff is junk and doesn’t work and besides the point it tastes awful. I want you to know that it is my believe that my mother prayed in secret for my health, it is also by her strength courage and trust in God that you was able to blend 4 shakes a day just so that she can see me live another day. A mother’s love is unconditional and richly rewarding a mother’s love is relentless 80 days without end. after reading this blog post you make me want to call my parents and tell them I love them and that I’m sorry for the pain I put them through. I want to give God all the praise and glory for rescuing me on more than 10 occasions. in God’s Word says that he is long suffering which being interpreted means to be patient. I’m pretty sure that I was one of the individuals that taught him the value of being patient.Lastly I just want to say how much I love your courage to write such things and most certainly I love you. because you shared similar experiences with meNever hesitate to ask me Anything when it comes to pray for you. Sincerely Anthony , aka Mr Canada.

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    1. Thank you for sharing this Anthony. Your mother sounds like an amazing woman. You’re right- a mothers love is truly one of a kind. I’m glad this resonated with you this evening. If you do end up calling your folks, I hope it is a fruitful and wonderful conversation. I Bet they’d love to hear it. Thanks, as always, for taking the time to read and respond. Have a great night. 🙂

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  37. You are an inspiration for many. Taking the time to write this, shows the love you have for your mother.
    Our diseases are labeled differently, but the pain and the fear we put family and friends through is the same.
    I don’t know how my mother and father made it thru that hell, but they did loving me no less.

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    1. oh my gosh thank you so much Jane. The love our parents have for us is so incredible. They’ve definitely taught us the meaning of love, that’s for sure! Thanks for this heartfelt reflection. sending you so much love and hugs! xox

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  38. It is so beautiful that you could write this to your Mum. And it is so wonderful that you are here to share that with us. I wish I had such an opportunity to say such things to my Mum (she passed away 15 years ago). However, I will always hold dear to my heart the beautiful talk we had moments before she died. Always embrace the moment. You never know when that moment will end.

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    1. Wow, thank you for such a heartfelt reflection, Lizzy. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you had that moment with your mom. What truth, that we need to embrace the moment. Thanks for sharing this part of your heart tonight. Sending so many hugs through the computer. Xoxoxoxo

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      3. Aww, thank you! It was very cathartic for me to write it. However, I finally found closure after that. Hugs to you!

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  40. This is a really beautiful letter to your mum. Most parents blame themselves when their children go through issues and the fact that you addressed that shows your maturity and kindness. It sounds like you both have a really great relationship! Does your mum read this blog or have you shown her the letter?

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    1. Thank you so much:) yeah, for the first time, I finally saw my past through my moms eyes and it was pretty powerful. Yes! She does. (She’s a big supporter of my blog.) in fact, she wrote a reply to this post in the comments uber BBB’s Mom ☺️ thanks again for stopping by! Have a lovely week! Hugs!

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  42. As a mother of a daughter who battled an eating disorder, I pray that my daughter feels as you. All those feeling and thoughts you shared were those same thoughts I felt as I watched my daughter plunge into that deep abyss. Today, she is a mother of two beautiful boys and I rejoice in her strength to eat well and stay healthy for herself, her husband and her children. Thank you for writing this letter and sharing your very soul. It is healing on so many levels.

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    1. Thank you so much Loretta. Wow, praise God that your daughter is healthy and living an abundant life. And that she was able to have children! What a testimony to her courage and strength. As well as the healing role you played as her mom 🙂 Thank you for sharing this part of your heart. Sending you big hugs right now. Xox

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  43. I can understand the huge response to your post. Brought tears in my eyes. The best moment: when YOU recognized and realized that look in your Mom’s eyes while decorating the tree. That moment was captured in your heart and that changed everything for you! It takes two hearts! Yours and your mom’s! Love your loving relationship with your mom.

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    1. thank you so much. Yes, when I saw that while decorating, it hit me like a sack of bricks for I finally saw how the anorexia took a toll on her heart as well. It was pretty powerful. But you’re right, I’m very lucky to have such a loving and amazing mom. Thanks for taking the time to read and for this thoughtful reflection. Hugsnxox

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    1. Thank you so much Miriam! You’re so right — i am very lucky to have such a wonderful mom! Thanks for stopping by! hugs and love! ((BTW — Sorry this took a while to respond! for some strange reason the comment ended up in the “spam” folder! silly wordpress…)

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  46. What a lovely, heart-felt post. I think it can be too easy to forget how what we go through, and what we do, impacts those around us and those who care for us also. Take care of yourself xx

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  49. This is beautiful! I’m so glad you shared this. My mom and I have always been extremely close and have had a lot of loss and depression surround both of us, just recently I have broken through the veil of depression and realized how to move on and say Yes! to living to the fullest and I said just about the same as you did here to my mom. 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much for his thoughtful reflection. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure loss and depression as of late. I’m so glad that veil has been lifted and you’re living from a place of ” Yes!” again. Thanks for stopping by xx

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