Dear Mom

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

This post is for my mom.

Someone who, I can easily say, knows me the best in the world.

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I don’t know why exactly this was put on my heart today to share about this, but whatever — that hasn’t stopped me before…

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This past Thanksgiving, my mom and I put up the Christmas tree together while I was home. We have an entire tree filled with just photo ornaments of my siblings and I through the years. One from every Christmas, for each of us. There are probably close to 200 photo ornaments on this tree and I’m not even exaggerating. The thing is packed. And priceless.

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Albeit, with a past that includes some “dark years” during my anorexia, there can be moments of…let’s just say…pause…whenever you come across a photo ornament of me during that time. And you know this…I wrote about how I threw that ornament away this past year and the resulting freedom.

But, there was an accompanying conversation that I didn’t blog about. But it has been weighing on my mind ever since, and that’s a pretty good indicator that I’m supposed to write about it.

SO.

The two of us were putting up the tree, and my mother quietly says, “I remember the year when I thought this was going to be my last Christmas with you.” Then she looks at me with wispy, loving eyes, and says, I’m so thankful you’re here and healthy.

That look stayed with me. She looked at me with her big, beautiful, brown eyes, and for the first time, I saw a teeny tiny glimpse of a sadness that was there from that history. An inkling of the pain those eyes had seen.

And that revealing of her heart, that vulnerability of sharing that with me…it had a lasting impact. One that, clearly, I still think about two and a half months later.

So with that…

Dear Mom,

I just wanted to say how deeply sorry I am for the pain I put you through. For the mental and emotional anguish you endured as result of my anorexia. I know that you don’t blame me, your daughter, for purposely or intentionally causing you those emotions, but the fact remains: my disease put you through a lot.

More than I will ever know. Because you have never made me feel responsible or guilty. You have always loved me unconditionally, and forgiven me, and stood by my side through it all.

But I am realizing now the true weight of my disease. How, there was a time when you had to come to terms with the fact that, despite your endless prayers and tireless efforts to get me to inpatient, that there was a very real possibility that I might not have “won the fight.” That there was a period of time when you had to come to terms with having to bury your child.

And that…I cannot even begin to imagine the toll that that took on your heart and your spirit.

Expressing how utterly sorry I am feels so empty – so trivial – so almost insulting – given the gravity of the situation and the degree of sorrow you endured.

I want you to know that not a day goes by that I am not grateful for your forgiveness. That there’s not a day that passes where I am not blown away by your love and compassion. And how each day I feel so fortunate to be your daughter.


Lastly. I don’t really know how to say this delicately, so I’m just going to come right out with it.

My anorexia was not your fault.

It was not the result of bad parenting. You never “said anything” or didn’t say anything that somehow caused the disease. You weren’t too preoccupied with outer beauty. You didn’t not talk about faith enough. You didn’t push me into thinking I had to be perfect. You didn’t make me feel that I had to excel, or look a certain way.

There was nothing that you did or didn’t do that caused my eating disorder.

I want you to know that.

I don’t want you to carry any guilt, or somehow feel responsible for it.

I don’t want to say you were a perfect mother, because no one is perfect— but you were pretty damn close.

The anorexia for me was a way to jump ship from a life that had become a “perfection monster.” One that — please note: you did not dictate or demand. 

That pressure, those standards — those were my doing. You never communicated or demonstrated that you expected perfection. Never. Not once.

I just wanted you to hear that.

   

Watching me waste away, I cannot imagine what that must have been like for you, and frankly, I don’t know how you endured it. I mean, I do — you spent every night at church in prayer to Jesus. But, still. I don’t know how, logistically, you made it through the days and nights.

Thank you for never giving up on me. 

Thank you for the love you’ve shown – before, during, and after the storm. Thank you for the trust that you’ve rebuilt with me, even though I didn’t deserve it. For the second, and third, and fourth, and sixty seventh chances you’ve given.



I could go on and on, but this is getting lengthy, so I will wrap it up with this:

You are an incredible mother. Teacher. Nurse. Listener. Cheerleader. Pray-er. Persevere-er. And best friend.

I love you.

xoxo

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

279 thoughts on “Dear Mom”

  4. And so we are all a little closer to healed and whole because you, again, shared your heart. Thank you for your openness and transparency and taking the pains to verbally processing your journey. You model a key value of the Kingdom : confessing your sins one to another that you may be healed. Reblogging this post!♡♡♡

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  7. Tears…then a long exhale…and, finally, peace.

    The Catholic exorcist Father Amorth reported, of his confrontations with the inner core of possession, that the demons always said “We don’t hate Christ. We test him.” You and your mother have earned your Ph.D.s.

    And as so many here testify to you, the insights you have gained are incredibly valuable.

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  8. This was one of the most Moving and Amazing things I have read in quite a long time. I must say, it is a Great Tribute, not only to your Mom, but to you, and what you have learned through your journey, and I say Kudos to you!
    I also know that your Mother knew what was in your heart…after all, she is a Mom!
    You have been Delightfully Heard!

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  13. I really loved this, so beautiful in the way you express my heart. I need to write a letter like this to my husband, and I really appreciate you letting me know. Thanks for your lovely posts. They really are powerful and making a difference in other people’s lives.

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    1. Hi Harry. I apologize if you found this uncomfortable. I hope you know that was not my intent at all. I wanted to express how, even through tremendous adversity, that relationships can heal. Thanks for reading, my friend! Have a wonderful afternoon! Hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

  15. This letter is so heartfelt, sincere, and touching, and it shows your maturity, your grace, and the beauty of your soul. I wish that I could write something similar to my mother, but I can’t. Or maybe it’s just that I won’t. I do blame her. We were close, I think we still are close, and yet I can’t move past her pathology and the deep scars it left me with. The past hurts, but so does not being able to fully forgive.

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    1. Hi Lulu, thank you for this heartfelt response. I’m so sorry that there’s pain when you reflect on the past. Wounds definitely do take a long time to heal. I don’t know why we have to go through what we do, but I have to trust that we can and will grow from it. I hope that soon you can look back and not have the past hurt so much:) you deserve that peace my friend. You have a beautiful heart and that always shines through in your reflections. Sending lots and lots of hugs Xox

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      1. Thank you so much. I always find compassion, understanding, and meaning here. I pray for the ability to forgive, and sometimes I feel my heart growing, and sometimes I feel it hardening again. Maybe during this year of mercy I will learn to be more merciful and see even better through eyes other than my own. Little by little!

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  16. How wonderful that you have a Loving Mother beautybeyondbones, one that puts you first and values you greatly and how wonderful that you too value her greatly, Love that is given Sacrificially when accepted brings beauty and completeness.

    It’s True we can never be Worldly Perfect, this is why God asks us to be Perfected in Love as He is because it is of the Spirit and not the Carnal flesh which we are to put to death.

    Matthew 5:48 Be ye therefore Perfect, even as your Father which is in Heaven is Perfect.

    I tried to measure up to others expectations physically too, as a young person I was Bulimic for 10 years, I went from one extreme to the next but when I chose to stop because God asked me to, He delivered me, He empowered me to be able to, the same as with my addiction to Gambling and Kleptomania.

    Today I’m aiming to be Perfected in Love (see below) but I know no matter how hard the Storms of life get I’m not alone, (Isaiah 43:1-3) do I believe I will be Perfected in this life, the Scriptures tell us we will if we Ask, Seek, and Knock.

    1 John 4:17-19 Herein is our Love made Perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in Love; but perfect Love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made Perfect in Love. We Love Him, because He first Loved us.

    Hebrews 6:1 Therefore leaving the principles of the doctrine of Christ, let us go on unto Perfection; not laying again the foundation of repentance from dead works, and of faith toward God,

    Philippians 3:14-16 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Let us therefore as many as be Perfect be thus minded and if in any thing ye be otherwise minded God shall reveal even this unto you. Nevertheless, where to we have already attained let us walk by the same rule, let us mind the same thing.

    2 Corinthians 7: 1 Having therefore these promises dearly beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit Perfecting Holiness in the fear of God.

    2 Timothy 3:16-17 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be Perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.

    2Corinthians 13:11 Finally, brethren, farewell. Be Perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in Peace; and the God of Love and Peace shall be with you.

    “Christ”ian Love and blessings – Anne.

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  17. WOW, praise God for such an awesome gift of a beautiful mommy. My mommy is one of my best friends, and she has ALWAYS been such a good example to me of a love for balance not for extremes. SHe truly is an example of following after Jesus Christ in the way she looks at everything including the body and food. She always keeps me on the right track by pointing me back to Jesus.

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    1. Hey Em! Oh gosh it sounds like you have An awesome mom. That’s so great that you and she are so close. What a blessing. We are both extremely fortunate in that regard. Thanks, as always, for stopping by and being a ray of sunshine in my comments section! Hugs and love to you lady! Xoxoxoxo

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  18. I went back and read your first post and then read this one. My daughter was just beginning to have signs of this monster grabbing her. She was finally able to see that she was truly underweight after watching a friend perform an interpretive speech of “Second Star to the Right,” by Deborah Hautzig about a girl struggling with this issue. I thanked God even then for speaking through that friend, a nurse, and the height/weight chart during a regular check up. God used all of that to help my daughter realize the seriousness and where this could go if she didn’t do what was necessary to seek help. I’m so happy to say that she is a normal healthy happy grown young woman now, who shares with others and points to God as her ultimate help. I’m glad to see that God is your help, and that you have such a wonderful relationship with your mom, also.

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    1. hi D&R, thank you so much for sharing this heartfelt reflection. Praise God that your daughter was able to break free and become healthy and living abundantly. That brings my heart so much joy. Truly. Thanks for stopping by! Have a beautiful evening! Hugs and love to you and your daughter!

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Beautiful. A Mother’s Love. I’m sure she never blamed you for anything but what you said in your letter wipes away any old feelings if there were any which I’m sure there weren’t. You are a Blessing to her and and Her to you. It is so wonderful to have your mother to reach out too. So wise and sweet of you.

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    1. Thank you so much for this, Corrie. You’re right, I am so incredible blessed to have her as a mother. I definitely do not take that for granted. Thanks for stopping by and for these kind words of encouragement and affirmation! Thanks for reading! hugs and love to you! xx

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  20. Thanks so much for following my blog! This post was incredibly beautiful and touching! I’m so thankful that you have a Mom that loves you like that. It really is a blessing to have someone love you deeply through everything you go through in life! Again, beautiful post! Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Hi Brittany! thanks so much for this kind response. You’re so right: it is SUCH a blessing to have someone in your corner, with you through it all. I definitely don’t take that for granted. Thanks for stopping by! i look forward to reading more from you! hugs and love xox

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  23. Love is faith.
    Your mom has mirrored the love of God for you.
    I’m glad that you made it because of God’s grace and mercy.
    Live conscious that God loves you and thank God for mama’s love and prayers.

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  25. Holy moly, let me wipe the tears first. Sorry, still crying …. This post is so darn beautiful ! My mom is in end stage renal cancer and just lately we are having conversations like this one. Open, honest, from the heart no BS. That is why I am crying. I relate to what you are feeling.

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    1. Hi Amy, thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry that your mom is fighting cancer. I’m really glad that you and she are able to having real conversation and that you’re able to share your hearts. What a wonderful gift that is to her. I will definitely keep your mom in my thoughts and prayers. Sending so much love and hugs to you my friend. Thanks for stopping by xoxoxox

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  32. As a mom, I can empathize with her and with you because of being an imperfect woman trying to be perfect in other ways. It’s so freeing to realize I’ll never be perfect this side of heaven. It’s impossible unless you are Jesus and there’s only one true Jesus and He isn’t any of us. I really loved this post and if your mom reads it, I’ll bet she’ll cry. You are precious.

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    1. Thank you so much:) wow, Constance. Thank you for this affirmation. My mom actually did read it and commented under BBB’S Mom. I am so blessed to have such a loving mom. I look up to her in so so many ways. You’re right- there is such a freedom when we embrace who we are in Christ. So glad you stopped by. Hugs and love to you!

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  33. Thanks for sharing. I recently verbally forgave my Mother… I’m think I might write her now though-and a few other family members too.

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  35. The greatest heroes in life are those that never give up on someone. They stick it out and make it work. They sacrifice things in their life, in order to help others grow. They give up what they want because someone needs it more. They work hard and overcome adversity. They fail for a moment, but get back up on their feet to show others they don’t have to stay down. They show their loved ones that love is not “proved” by conformity. They teach others that having a voice is a sign of courage, and they will not stay silent to make people feel comfortable. They are fearless and will do whatever it takes to bring about the greatness in the ones they love because doing so brings them peace. Their name is MOM.
    Blessings.

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  40. Wauww this post just hit me! Its good you are healthy now i know kinda how hard it is. I had a time of my one were i could only think that i needed to lose weight even when i allready did lose alot. This is inspiriring and i think hard to tell. Your mom most be verry proud this is a great way of telling!😘

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  45. You are wonderfully courageous and inspirational and you write beautifully; from the heart. Your honesty will help you as well as others on your path I’m sure. Good luck on your journey and well done for recognising and acknowledging the strength of your mother.
    Thank you for having liked my posts.

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  47. Reblogged this on mamastrong and commented:
    I’ve never done this before, but I love this girl’s blog, and ESPECIALLY this post. it captures what mamastrong is all about: loving our babies when loving them is killing us, when grace is all that is left to give, but that mama-heart is one that is tethered to our children by cords of steel… IT. SIMPLY. DOES. NOT. GIVE. UP. If you or someone you know is struggling with eating disorders PLEASE SHARE THIS BLOG WITH THEM.

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    1. Thank you so much Ling! I appreciate the support. Yes, it was a very difficult time, but thankfully we made it to the other side and are stronger and closer because of it. I’m so grateful for that wonderful lady☺️ glad you stopped by! Hugs!

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