Well, here we are. One year later.
Last week was my one year anniversary of BBB. My “blogiversary.” (And please read the sarcasm there…I am literally cringing as I type that word.)
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t think I was going to do one of “these posts.” You know the type — “Oh my gosh, one year later! Golly Gee Willakers, how time has flown! I’d like to thank the Academy…” Blah. Blah. Blah.
No thank you.
But the more I was thinking about it, I really did want to just push the pause button for a hot sec and reflect on this past year.
When I started this blog, one snowy February night last year, I started writing about a dark time in my life that I was lugging around with me. I don’t think I realized it then, but I really was letting that guilt and shame from the anorexia in my past, taint every part of my life – from how I viewed myself, to my relationships with my family and friends, to my faith, to shopping, to opportunities, to you name it. – Everything was being seen through the filter of shame that I could not let go of.
So I started writing about it.
Hoping that, maaaaaybe one person who was struggling with anorexia or an eating disorder could find hope and healing here. But also, so that parents/loved ones could read a true, no-holds-bard account of what their loved one was going through. What she couldn’t tell them. Everything that I wished my parents would have known during my disease.
I can honestly say that the girl writing this post today, is a very different girl than the one writing one year ago.
Over the course of the year, I have been able to take that shame from the fact that I suffered from anorexia, and see it for what it truly is: part of my past that does not define me, but rather, has made me strong, and has made me who I am today.
Jesus took the shame I had been carrying around, and He transformed it. He made beauty from ashes.
This past year, I learned what recovery really means. It isn’t some 12 step program, or dietary plan, or refraining from ED behaviors. I mean, it is. But…
Recovery is a relationship with Jesus.
Recovery is turning to Jesus instead of ED. Finding my worth in my Savior, rather than what the mirror dictates. Recovery is listening to the words of truth that He whispers to me, instead of the lies ED would have me believe.
Recovery is knowing that I do have worth. That I am loved. That I am worth love.
The girl 12 months ago, yes, she believed that…but she didn’t claim it — own it — like the girl before you today.
And I can’t even begin to express the gratitude in my heart to each one of you that has taken the journey with me. Who has offered kind words of encouragement and love.
Thank you for accepting all of me. For validating who I really am — the part that I didn’t show to people out of shame or disgrace. The part that, now, thanks to you and the Big Guy, I no longer have to lug around. I have let it go. Accepted it as my past, learned from it, and moved on.
I know that I am not alone in feeling that there’s something we cannot carry much longer. Everyone has something that they’re bogged down with – whether debt, toxic relationships, addictions in any and all varieties, loss, betrayal, bullying — whatever it is, I hope to be there for you as you have been for me. There is nothing more meaningful than having even one person see you at your most vulnerable, and love you just the same.
You did that for me. And I thank you with everything I have.
I am genuinely excited to see where this next year takes us, together.