State of the Union

Well, here we are. One year later.

Last week was my one year anniversary of BBB. My “blogiversary.” (And please read the sarcasm there…I am literally cringing as I type that word.)

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I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t think I was going to do one of “these posts.” You know the type — “Oh my gosh, one year later! Golly Gee Willakers, how time has flown! I’d like to thank the Academy…” Blah. Blah. Blah.

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No thank you.

But the more I was thinking about it, I really did want to just push the pause button for a hot sec and reflect on this past year.

When I started this blog, one snowy February night last year, I started writing about a dark time in my life that I was lugging around with me. I don’t think I realized it then, but I really was letting that guilt and shame from the anorexia in my past, taint every part of my life – from how I viewed myself, to my relationships with my family and friends, to my faith, to shopping, to opportunities, to you name it. – Everything was being seen through the filter of shame that I could not let go of.

So I started writing about it.

Hoping that, maaaaaybe one person who was struggling with anorexia or an eating disorder could find hope and healing here. But also, so that parents/loved ones could read a true, no-holds-bard account of what their loved one was going through. What she couldn’t tell them. Everything that I wished my parents would have known during my disease.

 


But what I didn’t realize, was that while I was getting all of that out and truly revisiting parts of my past that I had locked away – the hope and healing I aspired to give, I actually received.

I can honestly say that the girl writing this post today, is a very different girl than the one writing one year ago.

Over the course of the year, I have been able to take that shame from the fact that I suffered from anorexia, and see it for what it truly is: part of my past that does not define me, but rather, has made me strong, and has made me who I am today.


But I have to be honest: I was not the one who was behind the wheel of that change.

Jesus took the shame I had been carrying around, and He transformed it. He made beauty from ashes.

This past year, I learned what recovery really means. It isn’t some 12 step program, or dietary plan, or refraining from ED behaviors. I mean, it is. But…

Recovery is a relationship with Jesus. 

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Recovery is turning to Jesus instead of ED. Finding my worth in my Savior, rather than what the mirror dictates. Recovery is listening to the words of truth that He whispers to me, instead of the lies ED would have me believe.

Recovery is knowing that I do have worth. That I am loved. That I am worth love.

The girl 12 months ago, yes, she believed that…but she didn’t claim it — own it — like the girl before you today.


And I can’t even begin to express the gratitude in my heart to each one of you that has taken the journey with me. Who has offered kind words of encouragement and love.

Thank you for accepting all of me. For validating who I really am — the part that I didn’t show to people out of shame or disgrace. The part that, now, thanks to you and the Big Guy, I no longer have to lug around. I have let it go. Accepted it as my past, learned from it, and moved on.

I know that I am not alone in feeling that there’s something we cannot carry much longer. Everyone has something that they’re bogged down with – whether debt, toxic relationships, addictions in any and all varieties, loss, betrayal, bullying — whatever it is, I hope to be there for you as you have been for me. There is nothing more meaningful than having even one person see you at your most vulnerable, and love you just the same.

You did that for me. And I thank you with everything I have.

I am genuinely excited to see where this next year takes us, together.


Sending so much love.

BBB

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

236 thoughts on “State of the Union

  1. Amen! Recovery is something everyone needs. It’s about recovering our relationship with Jesus and letting Him heal our hurts. Well done for letting Him help you on your journey to health and freedom.
    B.D.

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  2. Such a great thing to be able to look back and see where you were a year ago and how much you’ve grown since. Keep growing, keep praying, & listening to your praise music, but most of all keep listening to God. Ask Him where he wants to take you next. What areas you can grow in. His answers might not be easy to sallow but hang in there. There is great treasure at the end of the road—as narrow as it may be—but it’s totally worth it! And keep sharing—it’s a real blessing.

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  3. Your picture shows some considerable amounts of peace and serenity. Good. Happy anniversary!!
    And as for writing about it…think of it as your Bethel monument 🙂

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  4. Thank you for liking my post so I could see this! I also started writing in a dark time, but about two years ago. I have struggled in and off since Jr high with anorexia and Jesus is the only redeemer for the terrible companion it has been for me. Keep fighting for holiness!

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    1. Thank you for sharing this, friend. You’re right, Jesus is THE number one source of strength. What a comfort in that truth. Thanks so much for stopping by. Keep fighting the good fight, warrior. Hugs and lots of love to you xox

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  5. saw a like and dropped by, thanks! i read, and continued on a few more posts of yours, good reads, thinking positively will definitely help in ur path too! everything has a bright side to it, really… 🙂 Grats and best wishes on the recovery!

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  6. I am so thankful that the Lord provided opportunity for us to connect in this genre. He has been doing a great work in you and through you! The lives and hearts you have impacted due to the bare bones authenticity has a ripple effect for generations.

    What is also beautiful is the freedom from the bondage of shame and beginning to have the clear filter through which to view yourself and the life you have been given. Without you in it would have been costly to more than you will ever know. I think that is what gets lost often in the fleece of lies the enemy blankets over out eyes… “you… your person… your life doesn’t matter. Save everyone the burden and just disappear” is a flat out LIE!!! Your health, your heart, your mind, your actual presence matters and is intentional with purpose you will not know in this life.

    Thank you for boldly stepping in faith to share your journey and give sight to others of what is happening inside those who can’t find the strength to speak out what is happening inside themselves. Thank you!

    May you be encourage today and the days to come as you continue on this adventure we call life.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow, Jeanette. This is. Just. My goodness, I am speechless at how kind and encouraging and beautiful your words are. Thank you. I am incredibly humbled and touched. It has definitely been scary at times to open up but He has given me strength. It is all Him. I tell my mom all the time-she asks how I come up with things to write about, and all I do is sit down at the laptop and say, “ok God, I’m listening. Tell me what to write.” These are not my words. I’m just the broken (but healing) vessel. I’m so glad my blog resonates with you. Sending you so much love and hugs. Have a wonderful weekend xoxox

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      1. Keep Listening
        Keep resting
        KEEP LOSING YOURSELF in Him because that is where you truly find who He designed and intentionally purposed you to be. ♡

        He is absolutely captivated by and longingly waits for us and our desperately broken hearts. ♡ He loves us with complete abandon!

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  7. Thank you for sharing so much with us . Some of us may not have it but we have learned so much from your journey for our personal things. You have give us strength to know that yes we can and will achieve greatness. God blessed your beautiful soul. I’m proud of you for overcoming it and to be proud of where you’ve been until now. Xoxo , Lady Sergine ❤️👆🏾

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  8. Congratulations on your blogiversary! I can’t believe you’ve only been writing for a year–I’ve read most of your blog and it is really profound. I actually have the opposite problem with food than you did (I overeat) but wouldn’t you know it, I realized ED talks to me, too–he just suggests different things! So your blog has helped me heal, too.

    I have a question, if you don’t mind. This occurred to me today and I thought you would be a good person to ask. What do you think distinguishes ED from a legitimate spirit of discipline? I’m trying to develop the latter.

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    1. Oh my gosh thank you for this, Rose:) that really means a lot. Oh yes, ED takes many forms. I think the thing about ED is that he tries to tear you down in whatever “tape or message” that speaks to where we each are individually wounded. So it looks different for everybody. But that’s just me, I can’t really say for sure. I hope that helps. Sending so much love and hugs! Xoxox

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  9. Thank you for sharing! I pray your story reaches those in need of knowing they are worth so much more than what they view in the mirror. God is real and He uses our weaknesses to exude His strength! Our broken lives are His evidence. Continue to inspire.

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      1. Your welcome …and thanks yourself ….am going to tell the kids that one …..that I rock ….then watch their faces:D:D:D ….hugs back to you:) x

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  10. God has truly answered your prayers. He has given you the strength to take command and win your war with Anorexia. I truly believe that you always had the power to do this, God just helped you discover that through prayer and faith. You are a very strong person and you did not give up. I am dealing with PTSD and I continue to pray for the strength to go on every day and someday defeat the demons within. I a new to this blogging thing but I am so thankful for finding your blog a few week ago and reading it. Now I follow you and your words of wisdom. Once again keep up what you are doing.

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  11. Such an inspiring post, congrats on the journey and looking forward to seeing you happier and happier 🙂 Many blessings from the Philippines

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  12. Very beautiful post loved it! God is awesome and it’s so great to hear stories like yours, it’s so reassuring knowing that you are not alone through your darkest hours and your most brightest ones too, keep is real girl xx

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  13. “But what I didn’t realize, was that while I was getting all of that out and truly revisiting parts of my past that I had locked away – the hope and healing I aspired to give, I actually received.”

    I think that is a really important message, well made and well worth dwelling on! Thanks for this post and I’m glad you’ve experienced such a positive transformation 🙂

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  14. Beautifully written! I admire your courage for sharing such side of you. It’d definitely serve as an inspiration for others who felt the same way. It’s sad that some society tend to shy away from topics like anorexia or depression because they do not know how to react to it. So, such topics usually got swept under the carpet. But, you didn’t! Congratulation to the 1st year of BBB, may you continue to write as eloquently and reach out even more to other people. =)
    oh, and thank you for liking post at http://www.snipoftriv.wordpress.com! ^-^

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    1. Thank you so much! That really means a lot 🙂 you’re right, this is definitely an area that needs to be understood, and to lose the “stigma” surrounding it. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs to you my friend xox

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Thank you so much for this post; I definitely feel the same way about how much of a blessing the blog Christ has given me to steward has been to me. He is such a good, good father! Working in and through us, and others, through the ministries that our lives are. ♡
    Jesus led me to share this verse with you: “For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:19, NLT). I pray that, even as you explore your past, you would keep your eyes on Jesus both in the present, and for the future… that, as one sister on here has already said, you would “keep listening to God,” and would “Ask Him where he wants to take you next.” May you continue going deeper with Him as He leads you through every step of faith He calls you to, and may this beautiful story of Jesus’ redemption in your ED be only a chapter in the book of Jesus’ power that is your life!!
    Be encouraged, friend!! I can’t wait to see what Christ does in and through you, next 🙂
    With Love, in Christ,
    Annalee

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    1. Hi Annalee, wow, thank you for this absolutely beautiful reflection. What kind and affirming words! thank you! and i absolutely love that Isaiah verse. my goodness. the imagery is powerful there. thanks for stopping by and for your lovely encouragement! hugs and love to you xoxo

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      1. Yes, if course 🙂 As you have said yourself, it truly is all Jesus! 🙂
        It may sound random, but I want to pray for you, here:
        “Dear Lord Jesus, I thank You and I praise You for how You are using my sister, beautybeyondbones. Lord Jesus, I praise You for how You have continually used her in my life, and in the lives of so many others. Lord Jesus, I pray that You would, in this time, show my dear sister what You would have her to do, next, and how You would want to stretch her faith in You; help her in this, Lord Jesus, and cause her to rely on, and delight in, You like she never has before. Thank You, King Jesus! In Your Name I pray, Amen. :)”

        Love to you, sister! Have a blessed day in Jesus ♡

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      2. Wow, Annalee, thank you. I am so touched by this beautiful and heartfelt prayer. What a special friend I have in you☺️ Praise God for His healing power and comforting presence in our lives. You are a blessing to me! Hugs xoxox

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  16. First off, congrats on the blogaversary…love that word 🙂 Can’t wait to have mine! I love how you said recovery is a relationship with Jesus. Amen and amen and amen again! Having been through recovery programs, I totally get this. Jesus can be in the recovery program with us and use others to be His hands and feet, shoulders to lean on, etc, but it is ALL Him, at the core of all healing. What a lovely account of what He has done and what you decided to DO with what He’s done in you. Precious stuff indeed!

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    1. Hello again friend! Oh thank you so much:) I know- super fun word right?! Haha but you’re so right- Jesus definitely used His instruments on earth, but HE really is the source-the core- of that healing. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs!

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  17. OK, I finally found the words I wanted to articulate to you the other day. You are the perfect Kintsugi piece. Broken pottery formed back together with gold. That is what I saw when I read this, shard by shard placed back in the perfect spot held together with gold; turning our brokenness into a thing of surpassing beauty. Have a great day sunshine.

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    1. Patticakes. Wow. I am so humbled by your wonderful words of affirmation. Thank you. This is an absolutely beautiful reflection and wow-what powerful imagery! I did not know that such pieces existed! I’m definitely about to go look up Kintsugi pottery on the internet now! Thank you again, my friend. You’ve made my day! Hugs and love to you!

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  18. Great post. It’s so important to share our continued journey to wholeness. So much of Christianity thinks there’s a perfection point we’re aiming for when really we’re just walking a long and beautiful path. Love your writing!

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  19. This is truth! I have been so afraid to share my struggle with OCD until the past month. I have been carrying around its shame as well. I have found so much freedom and healing via writing. And I have connected with so many amazing people. It is amazing how He is working. 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much for this reflection. You’re right, there is so much freedom in writing. I’m glad you’ve been able to write about your pet and be released from it. God is good! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love to you friend xox

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  20. You’ve certainly generated plenty of positive momentum over the last year. A credit to your open and honest writing. Nice! Follow me back at wklifebalance.wordpress.com much love!

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  21. So many comments, so much encouragement; it’s awesome to see 🙂

    I don’t have any experience or knowledge concerning anorexia (until your blog 🙂 ) but I’ve found the overall sense of Christ-like identity and love He has for us to rush from your writing. It’s awesome! 🙂

    I also wanted to pass on a tidbit close go my heart, as a friend shared this with me when I was/am going through my own time breaking away from recurring shame sourced from recurring slippage, and I find it too beautiful to not pass on:

    Kintsugi: the art of taking broken pottery and infusing it with gold, making it whole again. To avoid stretching this comment even further:
    http://www.thisiscolossal.com/2014/05/kintsugi-the-art-of-broken-pieces/

    Love your words 🙂

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    1. Hi there Adinade! Oh my gosh thank you for such kind and affirming words! It means a so much. You’re right-I am so humbled and grateful for the support I’ve received on here. God is good:) and how cool! I will definitely check it that post. Sounds right up my alley. Thanks for stopping by! Have a beautiful weekend xox

      Liked by 1 person

  22. “Recovery is a relationship with Jesus.” … wow. I hope that one day, I can speak of my love and longing for Christ and God with the same eloquence and passion that you demonstrate here again and again. I’m so grateful that I found your blog. You draw me deeper into my relationship with Jesus through your writing and through your sharing of your story and your wisdom.

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  23. Thanks for following my blog and liking stuff. It is such an encouragement for a beginning blogger like me, with my 24 (ha ha ha, can’t type it without laughing) followers. Anyway, here is a verse a missionary friend gave me, which I thought was really helpful when the going is difficult, Ps 23:3: “He gives me new strength. He leads me on paths that are right for the good of His name.” I read that as “He doesn’t necessarily lead me on paths that are easy for me or pleasant, but on paths that are for the good of HIS REPUTATION.” That shook my focus off of me and onto Him, where it belongs. Perhaps that can be an encouragement to you (or maybe someone else who reads this) today. Best wishes from me to you.

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  24. Right on. No matter what your concept of Higher Power is, it must be loving and supportive of you as you are. No one of us can recover alone. We must have support to replace the hole inside that is so hungry. Whether we binge or restrict, it is all an attempt to bring order and manage pain. That is why 12 step programs are so inspired: they offer an understanding that focuses on the solution and not the quick fixes.

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    1. Hi friend! Thank you for this! You’re right – having a supportive community is so so important for a strong and long-lasting recovery. And very true-there’s no quick fix. It is a life change. hugs and love xox

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