Un-Know

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

I don’t know about you, but sometimes, I wish I could “un-know” things. You know what I mean?

Like, I wish I didn’t know some of the things I do. I wish I could un-learn them. Un-see them. Like Justin Timberlake with cornrows.

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Or the girl from the movie, The Ring. That disturbing image will forever be seared into my brain. And, this is coming from the girl who was terrified of scary movies, and would “watch” those flicks from behind a pillow when my friends would insist on watching them.

Or if you walk in on your parents “doing it.”

Not that that’s ever happened to me. But so I’ve heard.

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I did walk in on my friend’s dad pooping….that was pretty scarring.

Never went over to that house again, that’s for dang sure.

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But all jokes aside, there are things that I just wish I didn’t have knowledge about.

I witnessed the little 7-year-old girl I nanny for “learn” one of those things today. We’ll call her Cindy.

I was with Cindy and her friend, and we were waiting in line for the ice cream truck.

And her friend goes, “Oh look, I’m fat!” as she pulled out her shirt away from her stomach and blew air into her cheeks.

And as her friend did this, I saw my little Cindy look down at her stomach and touch it, and assess her shirt-to-tummy ratio situation. It was the first time I ever saw her be self-conscious.

Now, to be clear, neither of these girls are anywhere near fat. They’re beanpoles. In fact, as with most children of well-off New Yorkers, they could stand to gain a few pounds. Living a Gwyneth Paltrow-GOOP-inspired lifestyle, as most rich NYC-kids do, leaves children lanky and hyped up on kale chips and fresh pressed juice. A far cry from Dunkaroos and Capri Suns. #nostalgic

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And I have been careful to never talk about weight or body image or anything negative about my own appearance either. Those are things no child should have to worry about.

And seeing Cindy first realize that weight is something that people can and do make fun of, it broke my heart.

She learned something today she can never unlearn.

My time (three months) at inpatient, honestly, the biggest thing I took away from it were the things and the stories from other girls that I can never unlearn. I can’t unhear.

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I’ve mentioned before, but I was 18 when I went into inpatient for anorexia, and technically an adult. And therefore, I was admitted into the adult program. I had just missed the cutoff for the adolescent program.

So I was the youngest one.

And the stories I heard from these women who were battling anorexia and other eating disorders…harrowing, to put it lightly. There was a woman there who has been battling anorexia for 40 years. And that’s a mild example.

But sometimes, I just get really pressed down for lack of a better explanation, when my mind takes a quick inventory of all those things. Not that I sit around and think about it, but seeing Cindy experience that today, it brought up a lot of mental images and thoughts for me.

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We all have things we wish we could unsee or unknow.

Maybe it’s unknow-ing the pain of your parents getting a divorce as a child. Maybe it’s unknow-ing the taste of that first sip of alcohol. Or the rush of stealing or cheating. Or the taste of sugar. Or unsee painful moments where we’ve witnessed the loss of life or betrayal, or deceit.

I bet we all could come up with a laundry list of things.

And even though we might not think about them every day, they’re always there, lying dormant in the background. Things that we just carry around with us, day in, day out.

And tonight, I found myself having drudged up a lot of those things. I found myself with an armful of heavy and scary crap that was weighing me down and dominating my thoughts and feelings.

And it was in that moment that I remembered the song lyrics, “I lay it down at your feet.”

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That’s the beauty of God: all those things that plague us with doubt and worry and fears of inadequacy and pain and regret – those things we wish we didn’t know – Jesus will take them all.

We just have to surrender them. Leave them at the foot of the cross.

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Cindy may have learned something today that she can never “unknow” – about the harsh judgments people can pass.

But the good news is that there is something that we can also learn that is greater and more powerful than any of those things or images seared into our minds. And that is that God is greater.

His protection is greater than any fear.His love is greater than any hurtful comment or insecurity. His forgiveness is greater than any screwup in our past. His mercy is greater than any struggle or hardship.

He is greater.

Let’s re-learn that.

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

274 thoughts on “Un-Know”

  1. You really need to be reborn to change the past and be willing to learn again. But you must recognize it’s not the best so you can move on.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Daily laying it down is my go-to method of soul therapy. This is so right on! God is always greater and His arms can carry all of our stuff. Beautiful!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This captures so much for me. I feel like it sums up so much that I never wanted to talk about, the things I just want to pretend don’t exist.

    It can be hard, especially since it’s not the same as forgetting. So many people tell me they just want to forget, but forgetting is different. Forgetting still comes with baggage. I’d rather just never know…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This was a good read and instantly made me think of the first thing I wish I could unsee: the messages in Mr.Me’s phone December 2013. It changed everything and I really wish a part of me could have that naivety and lack of insight until I came up with an emergency just in case action plan on how to handle a guy who seems to need attention!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I am still with Mr.Me after it all… still wondering… still trying. MAybe time will heal my wounds or maybe you will be right and it will end up being someone else. Who knows x

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  7. Perhaps the thing that really disturbed you about this incident was realizing (probably subconsciously) that this was a spiritual reality and not so much a physical one. These girls were already becoming painfully aware of their outside selves, and you knew what that did to you. You just wanted to un-see it. It took you back to that place.
    Our conscious picture of ourselves changes us spiritually, and that leads to destructive behaviour. The ego is a spiritual opening that allows a spiritual overlay to control us.
    When under the influence of this, we are harmful to ourselves and we don’t even know why we do it. We get a little knowledge, and we get a little trust in the Almighty, and it clears up a bit, but it is not completely gone.
    The spirit hangs on. It relentlessly repeats the lie that you are what it made you under the influence of your over-ego-satisfied self… anorexic, ED sufferer. But it is not you. It is the spirit that came inside with the over attention to your being.
    The same way it came in is the same way it will go out. Recognize it is there and give it no space to operate, like during the times when you forget to think about it. Give the thing to Christ. Simple as that. He will take it. It’s over, and you will no longer define yourself by a label.
    Now the only thing you can refer to yourself as is an overcomer, and a contented one at that. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I love this post. Such a good, important word for each of us to remember! Also, yes about the girl from The Ring. Wish I could unsee that for sure. Love your writing! Blessings,
    Yvette

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Thank you for sharing your struggle. Yes, we don’t get to unlearn things, but I think when the Lord works He takes the sting out of memory. The memory stays so we can avoid and help others avoid like you did in your post.
    Keep on planting those seeds,

    Gary

    Liked by 1 person

  11. The “too heavy” meme caught me. It’s like the old joke of a patient who tells her doctor, “It hurts when I do this.”

    The doc says, “So don’t do that.”

    Lots to unlearn. Whether it’s a memory of something I did, or something that someone else did. Sometimes it catches our attention and dominates our mental landscape no matter what we do.

    Often, it’s our favorite little Beany Baby that we embrace and caress, even when it hurts. Just because we don’t know how to unlearn that painful sort of “comfort.”

    I pray “Cindy” will not be long influenced by that behavior. I’m sure that, with you modeling healthy behaviours and attitudes, she’ll unsee that before long. You’re God’s gift to the kids and the family.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Jeff! Hah oh yes I now that joke well 😂 thank you so much for your kind words. You’re right, those things can definitely be beanie babies for comfort. I used to love those things as a kid! I had so many! Lol but how great to know that God will be our ultimate comfort. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  12. ❤️ This! It is so disturbing to witness what our society does to young women. I have felt insecure about so many aspects of my body for years! And to be totally honest, I still do, even though I know it’s ridiculous! It’s great to run a blog like this, girls need to know what really matters and how devastating the effects of society’s expectations can be. Thumbs up for your bravery and courage to share!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Andy! So true-the media sends such harsh messages to young girls these days. It hurts my heart. I definitely feel you. It’s hard not get affected by these messages. Thank you for you kind words. Sending big hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Wonderful post. I got a bit heavy-hearted toward the end when you stated that all the things we carry lay dormant in the background… because it hurts for me to think about it that way. I’m happy that your tone shifted toward the end with all the references to God. And you’re exactly right. Let’s “re-learn” that He is merciful. Thanks for posting! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Naima! So glad it resonated with you. You’re right, it’s crazy how many things we have that are dormant in our hearts and mind. Amen to that – so merciful. I really appreciate your kind words. hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  18. I don’t know if this matches what you said here, but for some reason, this post made me think of it…

    A lot of us think that God is unapproachable because of what we have done in lives or because of who we are–criminals, drinking, doing drugs, etc. And we tend to think that in order to even approach God, we have to be perfect. That we have to be extraordinary in order to even follow Him. This isn’t true, but it’s a common way of thinking in Christianity. But the amazing thing is that God doesn’t want an extraordinary person, He wants an ordinary person that is willing to trust an extraordinary God. Which you are very much one of those people, from what I’ve read of those posts. God uses broken individuals to make His name known, and through those broken individuals, God’s love is magnified. I agree that I wish I could unlearn the things I’ve seen, heard, or done–but then I realize that without them, I could never ever fully appreciate the love that God showed at the cross. It’s like what Joseph said in Genesis to his brothers–what was meant for evil, God used for good. In most cases, we are like Isaiah, when he spoke of his dream in chapter 6–we see God and we fall to our knees because we just can’t handle it–but then he takes away our sin so that we might stand clothed in the righteousness of Christ.

    Do I understand your wish and desire to have your life’s experiences with anorexia removed? Very much. But just remember that through that dark time in your life, the light and love Christ was made known to you and that He wanted every bit of you to come as you are and experience what He had to offer. Just remember this: God asks us to let go of the things in our life that’s doing the most harm to us and He always replaces it with His love and all the blessings of Heaven.

    Good night and God bless 🙂
    -Tom

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Tom, wow thank you for this absolutely beautiful response. I so appreciate you sharing your wisdom and insight. So many great examples here. Yes, God wants the ordinary:) thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

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  21. Great article! I wish I too myself have Un-know esp at childhood! But you know what also reminds me of childhood? The Dunkinroos! I haven’t seen those in ages! I think I may have tried those once…I don’t think I liked them. But it’s still nostalgic!

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    1. Hi friend, thank you for this reflection. Oh the lessons we learn the hard way are always bitter sweet-powerful lessons, but definitely cost a lot to learn. Sending big hugs and love xox

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  27. Whoah! I went through a trying time this week myself. I honestly could relate to you wholesomely. My laundry list kicked my butt and I’m not proud of it. 😕 I’m so impressed that you’ve overcome anorexia, and brave enough to enlighten others with it. God gives his hardest battles to those who can teach from the lesson.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Rareity! Thank you for his. I’m glad it resonated with you. Gosh I’ve definitely had weeks like that, where my laundry list has it out for me! Haha thanks for your encouraging and kind words, as always:) grateful for you. Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  29. This is the most amazing piece I’ve read all week. I found an image on Pinterest with the words “and she walks through the world as she unlearns thousands of years of conditioning”
    Sigh. I’ve ended up doing exactly that, unlearning and unknowing things and situations that honestly do not have any place in my life.
    So thank you for this post, it makes me feel like I’m on the right path. 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Such a good post with such a good message. That little girl is so lucky to have you watching over her and in her life! And also, now I think i’ll need some dunkaroos and capri suns in my life as soon as possible 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  32. I LOVE reading your blog. It’s so human, so honest. This post is perfect to get the day started. Out of all the things we wish we could un-know, you’re right, the best thing to re-know is that God is greater. And I want to re-know it again and again, as I delve deeper into his love. So, for all the things we wish we could forget, here’s to the best thing we do know- He is.

    Thanks for the great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  33. I look forward to reading your posts. You are genuine….I love that word to describe people. I have been described with that word and it’s humbling for me. Anyway, the blog hit home. Girls, women, define ourselves by a number on a scale, a glance in the mirror or storefront window. I’ve never gotten past it…..for all the “wisdom” I have gained thru my years on the earth I cannot get past “fat”. Looking fat, feeling fat, feeling insecure, refusing to wear certain clothing because I look fat. My view of “me” is screwed up…..the battle I fight! But I DO know God and we work thru it….daily sometimes. Love you young lady!! Keep up the writing, caring and sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Suzanne! Aw that’s so kind of you to say. Thank you. I can definitely relate-the media is so hyper image focused. It’s definitely a daily battle to see through God’s eyes and not our eyes. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your heart. Hugs to you, my genuine friend 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  34. Reblogged this on and commented:
    This blog posting resonated with me… I’ve been thinking about it for several days – the authors words were powerful.

    As someone who will come in contact with and support young, impressionable people’s, it is so important to know that your words and actions can have adverse effects.

    While this is being applied to a debilitating condition from one authors perspective – I think we should all take a moment to think about the things in our life we wish we could un-know; simply because it’s against the backdrop of an eating disorder doesn’t mean the lesson here can’t span beyond.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. This is wonderful! Yes there are many things that are worth “un-knowing” from younger years (like how obese and inactive I was) but on the other hand if we throw it all out we can sometimes forget how much those things taught us to make improvements for today. I’m not saying dwell on them or pine over them until they make us crazy, but sometimes its good to say “I don’t want to go back to that.” One thing is for sure, I’m glad I have come to know you and you are amazing!!

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  41. Thank you for the reminder that there “is a Fount where sins are washed away. A Fount where night is turned to day. Burdens are lifted. Blind eyes made to see. At the wonder working Fount of the blood of Calvary..” The truth Satan wants us to never forget or release holds us in bondage to fear, regret, disappointments, resentment, anger, sorrow. Jesus wipes it all away. Whoever is in Christ is a new creature. Old things are passed away. Look! Everything is brand new!

    Reblogging! ♡♡♡

    Liked by 1 person

  43. I am forever in awe at the incredible topics you come up with and so eloquently write about… God’s definitely using you to help people through your writing and willingness to share so honestly. Wow!
    This blog post was spot on!!

    Liked by 1 person

  44. There are so many things I wish I could un-learn or un-know, and Cindy’s situation is just heartbreaking. Children should not have to learn those things. They should be happy just being them, without responsibilities or any life obstacles, but then again, adults should not have to know these things either. We just pick things up and they do scar us. It’s really unfair and really cruel, but it’s inevitable. If Cindy didn’t learn it in that moment, then she would have definitely learned it as she grew up. It’s unbelieveable, there has to be someway to stop it. Kids are supposed to be innocent and naive little things.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I know, kids are the next generation and they need to be raised right 🙂 xox

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  49. Great post! Realizing that relatives 30 years older than me were still struggling with hating the way they looked and obsessing over food gave me the push I needed to get help for an eating disorder. I didn’t want it to take over my life for longer than it already had.

    Also, you literally made me laugh out loud with that perfectly placed Forrest Gump gif!

    Liked by 1 person

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