Putting my Foot Down

Ok. It’s time I step into the confessional.

My personal life has been…a struggle recently. I’ve been feeling out of control.

And I’m going to be honest…it’s because I have just been mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted.

I’ve been getting home after back to back to back 12-hour days just in such a piss-poor mood, that sitting down and writing something deep and meaningful seems a) incredibly disingenuous, and b) downright unfathomable.

And it’s befuddling. Because I love pouring myself into projects and working hard and hustling.

I thrive on hard work and dedication. It’s part of my make up.

But this time, it’s different.

My body is telling me – imploring me –screaming at me – that everything is not alright.

And I’m not just talking about the permanent stress-twitch I have developed in my right eye.


Acting is a difficult profession because you’re the lowest man on the totem pole. The hours are long. The pay is practically nonexistent. And you end up having to work survival jobs that are grueling and unglamorous.

But I’m not complaining, because again…I know, I chose this “non-traditional line of work” as my mother continually reminds me.


But after composing myself after a full-body-shaking sob sesh, I realized why this time was different. Why I’m so soul tired and broken this time around.

This time is different because I am allowing myself to be taken advantage of.

With a project that is pushing the line further and further and further: with non-reembursed time commitments, physical exertion, passive aggressive BS, and disorganized chaos on set.  And me just letting it happen. Taking it.

And after 5 weeks of this – 10+ hours a day, six days a week…I finally broke down.

And I realized that allowing this treatment is completely contradicting everything my recovery is about.

My recovery from anorexia has centered on the journey to accepting the truth that I have worth. Not because of what I do, who I know, what I look like…nothing. I have worth because Jesus says so. He said so when He embraced the Cross.

But allowing this treatment communicates – whether I realize it or not – that I actually don’t believe that. That, it’s okay that I just take it and put up with an inhumane unprofessional situation because, at the end of the day, I don’t matter. I probably deserve that.

And that is false.

am worth it. I am worth being compensated for my time. For having my time be respected and my intellectual property recognized.

Our actions, whether consciously or unconsciously, communicate messages to ourselves. What do we think we’re worth? Do I allow someone to walk all over me? Am I completely upending my life to meet the needs of someone who doesn’t even respect my time when I’m there?

I am worth respect. I am worth honesty. I am worth dignity.

So where to go from here?

When you’re reading this, a week has passed since I first drafted this post.

After writing this, I took a deep breath, dried my tears, collected myself and did something about it.

I stood up for myself.

I stood up for my worth.

I communicated that I cannot work under those conditions any longer. I need to be compensated and I need to be treated with respect.

And you know what? I feel really good about it.

Because my actions have finally backed up my beliefs. I stood up for myself and put my money where my mouth is.

And if I lose this project, then so be it. Because at the end of the day, my self-worth and self-dignity — everything I’ve worked so hard to solidify in my 8 years of recovery – those things are more valuable than this project. Those things are worth protecting.

So protect them I will.


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396 responses to “Putting my Foot Down”

  1. Excellent reminder! My therapist reminds me not to be defined by my illness. Such good advice because it is so easy for unhealthy behavior to gradually come back in to our lives! Proud of you!

  2. You know what? You. Go. Girl. You deserve to be treated like a human being. Your time is worth being compensated for. You are ENOUGH. So proud of you for asserting your basic human rights. Congratulations 🙂

  3. So proud of you! Recognizing the heart of that struggle is something so many people struggle with and choose to put up with, so to stand up for your worth and dignity takes so much courage and I really admire that!

  4. People will take advantage of you if you let them. And if you let people take advantage of you you will earn a reputation of one who can be “used”. God says a man is worthy of his hire so if you are not being paid properly for your hire, you are being used. Glad to hear you stood up for your integrity. God will bring the right job for you, pray and trust Him.

  5. There is a fine balance between being goal oriented, driven and not overused, and abused. When your body, mind and soul all begin screeming “Stop!” Its time to listen. You go, Girl!! for listening to your body. God’s got this. He will direct your path.

  6. Good for you BBB. You are a person of great worth, because He Who is Worthy said you are, continues to say you are, and gave His life for you to have life.
    At times in this world, we do need to back up, have another look at ourselves, as Jesus sees us, not as the world sees us. Many in the world, and I imagine even a higher percentage in the acting world, push everyone involved to give everything in their lives to complete the project so the writer, director, etc. get rewarded.
    The contrast is, our Heavenly Father gave His Son, Jesus Christ, who gave His life so we get rewarded.

    God Bless you Abundantly, as you live for our Saviour, seeing yourself through His Word as He sees you.

  7. I’m very proud of you! Talking about these things is very hard. I was especially glad to read that you decided to take control. Following through is the hardest step to finding yourself. I applaud you!! Much love. H

  8. I feel you. I am about to embark on my own journey of standing up for myself. I left my miserable marriage to be happy. Although I have found myself again, my partner is like your profession. I am worth more. I would rather lose my current companionship than to lose myself again.

  9. This is very direct and honest words, straight from your heart. It’s also very empowering. I am glad you stood up and made a decision about your self worth. You are more than a job. Never let anyone take advantage of your good nature.

  10. OMG I received an email notification of your post a few minutes ago and decided what the hell ~ I was going to read it. I’ve been going through extreme stress, angst, you name it in my personal life and have been dealing with it by pouring myself into my German Shepherds blog. Some days I write for 10 hours as I started it at the beginning of her medical journey. I don’t eat, don’t socialize ~ nothing. Im using her blog as my coping mechanism. I haunt even been able to bring myself to read other blogs because I feel guilty if I’m not pecking away at hers. Then I read your entry and am completely blown away. You are such an inspiration (not to mention a hell of a good writer). You’ve got this my friend. We are our own worst critics yet we can be our biggest cheerleaders. So happy to see you have your pom poms out!
    Love from the whilly whacks of Maine💋

    • Hey D! Oh my gosh I’m so sorry that you can personally relate to this and that you’ve been going through a stressful period recently. Know that my heart and prayers are with you and your pup:) you’re right-sometimes we’ve gotta whip out the Pom poms and be our own pep squad! Hang in there my friend. Sending massive hugs xox

  11. I think I may be able to speak on this subject. Only prior knowledge and experience with chasing Fame. I was caught between the ropes of my job. Like you I worked hard to earn a living. Like you my pay wasn’t very good. I went and signed autographs showed up on time for events. I did that for a year-and-a-half barely making any money if anything at all most of it came out of my own pocket. I don’t want to rant and Rave about what I’ve done in the sports world because that door is shut what I want to tell you is that maybe just maybe God is telling you to be still. Get to know him a lot more. Understand his standard of holiness. The only thing that’s really different between you and I is I never went back to the ring. I don’t know why you’re an actor and I don’t mean to sound mean to you or anything. But you have to know that is a child of God you are more precious then all the gold and silver in the world. you have to also understand that this world you shall have tribulation but be of good cheer. Also understand that although you are not of the world you’re living in it but you are not of it there’s a distinct difference it’s not easy to be discouraged anybody who’s anybody can get discouraged be happy about that and the reason I say that is because discouragement and persecutions should drive you to the word of God. I’m going to come right out and say it you’re very different understand who you are and God’s love. but I feel like it’s necessary. if you need me at anytime you can email me.

  12. Today you outdid yourself, BBB!! One of the things most good businesses do when training managers is to warn them about the tendency to load more work on the one who’s already working the hardest. You have a hard assignment that must be done just right? Give it to the one who already produces under the most demanding conditions and who is, consequently, already overloaded. NOOOOOO!!! It is shortsighted and grossly unjust. Good for you! Put your foot down, hold your ground, and protect yourself just as you did. WOW!

  13. You are a strong, talented, and extremely brave woman, and I salute you. I admire your openness in your posts about your struggles, and also your faith. It’s very inspiring, so thank you for that.

    I can understand the difficulty in creating content and producing your work when all the tanks are empty. I have experienced this myself. I also found a great resource that has helped me balance my time and set priorities in the works of Michael Hyatt. He does a lot of work for productivity in the entrepreneurial sphere, but he has a lot of personal development tools I recommend as well. You should check them out at http://www.michaelhyatt.com. A lot of the stuff he offers for free in his blog.

    Hope this helps! Stay strong! I read every post that comes to my inbox 🙂

    • Thank you so much! Oh my gosh you’re so sweet-I really appreciate you taking the time to read! Awesome-I’ll have to check him out. Thanks for passing the info along! Hope you’re having a great night:) Hugs and love xox

  14. Good for you! I’m glad you stood up for yourself. There is a difference between being gracious when you are treated badly and being a doormat for abuse. Very proud of you woman!

  15. Amen sister! I’m going through a very similar situation at work right now. I need to stand up for myself, too, and show that I really believe what I say I do. I have problems talking to my boss because I don’t trust him.

  16. God bless you, my friend. Good for you standing up for yourself. It’s like telling yourself that you are worth it. All is love, and I just read a quote that all is forgiven. 🙂
    Much love xo

  17. I just had to share this on my blog. OMG this is exactly how i feel right now. I just finished writing a long an emotional message to somebody i really care about and it was all about my respect and self-worth, in a loving way. You are so inspiring. I’m so glad you made that choice, always make that choice. You are worth being treated as God’s girl. ALL THE TIME. 🙂

    • Thank you so much, Brie! I’m honored! I’m sorry you can personally relate. I’m so glad you found the courage to confront the issue in a loving way and stand up for yourself. That’s the best you can do: speak the truth in love, and the truth is you ARE worth it:) thanks for the encouragement! Hugs and love xox

  18. Hi there, JD! Can you see me way down here? 🙂 just wanted you to know that much of what you said resonated with me, and was particularly helpful in redirecting some of my thoughts, energies, and priorities. Thanks, darlin’! Keep doing what you’re doing.

    • Tony!!! Hey there friend! haha you’re funny. So glad it resonated with you 🙂 Hope everything is well in your world 🙂 sending massive hugs. Thanks for always having my back and being a great friend xox

  19. probably I commented on some of your previous blogs that ,”it seems as if it is written for me” and same I feel again after reading to this.
    Mostly I do congratulate people on their good blogs. But I don’t know what to say if something is written seems to be written for me.

  20. Right on, Kid, (I hope you don’t mind me calling you “kid,” but I’m 87 years old an everyone I know or follow is younger then me, beside, it really is a term of affection.
    Remember this, you are the only one you have to be true to every day, hour, minute of your life. Don’t let others make decisions for you or determine your destiny. Hang in there, Kid.

  21. Dear. Just BE who you are, down deep. Therein is your total happiness and life. Just be who u are. Deviate from that and you will not, ever, be happy and FREE.

  22. Staying busy is a good thing. God created work to be something that we can bring glory to Him through–it was evident in the Garden of Eden. And I’m glad to read that you stood up for yourself, that is always important.

    But being too busy with projects and work to the point where it replaces God is not a good thing. I’m not being critical of being busy, I’m just saying make sure you have some valuable God time in there as well!!!! And that may just mean taking a few minutes to pray, listen for God, or look in His Word at some point during the day. I am completely humbled each time I read a new post of yours simply because of how strong and apparent your faith is–but don’t forget to keep growing it!

    When you stop taking time to be with God, He let’s it go on for a while until you reach a point of realization that you ARE missing something…or someone. Take a look at Luke 10:38-42–Jesus values you, teaching you, developing a relationship with you so that you can get to know him intimately. You do have a ton of self-worth and God just wants to show you that more–so remember to try to constantly and consistently find God in all you do–for He can be found in the smallest of details in all your projects 🙂

    Once again, I am extremely blessed and humbled by another of your posts


    • Hey tom, thank you so much for this awesome comment. So much food for thought. You’re so right- taking time for God is so so important. I’d say I listen to 2 podcast sermons a day while I’m cooking but I definitely need to read my bike more and spend more time in prayer. Thanks for this reminder:) grateful for you!! Hugs and love xox

      • You are more than welcome–one of my gifts is to encourage others, especially my friends. So just keep your eyes on Christ, and look for Him in all you do. You are doing a great job, and you really have come far–don’t let anyone or anything take that from you!

  23. Let me start with: I’m really proud of you. I’ve struggled with this in a number of jobs, but I never had to worry about putting food on the table.

    Can you refer me to a post that describes an acting experience that you gained fulfilment from? Or could you share one?

    • Hey there Brian! Thanks friend:) Sure thing – I’ve written a couple of posts that touch on my acting. Being the Girl in the video, The Secret Garden and Little Orphan Annie. If those aren’t what you’re looking for, I’d be happy to write one:) thanks for your encouragement and friendship:) Hugs and love xox

      • I re-read those, Caralyn. They share some of the inspiration you draw from the stories you’ve acted, but I’m wondering about something more personal. Where do you find joy in acting? Not just happiness or confidence, but a real profound sense of rightness about yourself and your relationship to the world. What happens in your interaction with other actors? Much of the moral license taken by actors has to do with the surrender of the self to a larger purpose, which means that personal boundaries break down – but this, I believe, was also the basis of the Bard’s genius: he wrote his plays with the entire troupe in his mind. And finally, how is it an act of service? For instance, some actors talk of the audience entering with them into another experience, another perspective, another world: that can be an act of service.

        The Secret Garden post also prompted this thought: I had an actress in my orbit for a well, a very famous one, and much of what the world experienced through her was the vulnerability of being “wick.” She had deep self-esteem issues. Having found peace and inner transparency, she now struggles with roles that require her to project edginess and anger. It’s like she just doesn’t buy in to the drama.

      • Hi Brian, thank you for these questions. Acting for me is definitely an act of service. Being able to communicate a story to the audience and offer an opportunity to think and reflect is a beautiful thing. And info find great joy in acting. I’ve never felt more fully alive than when I’m on stage, fully in the center of god’s will. I do believe He delights when I’m following my passion. Great food for thought. Thanks

      • I would enjoy a post that elaborated those reflections in the context of an actual acting experience. Many actors talk about “being lifted up” by the audience, but when you say “fully in the center of God’s will,” I’m hearing that there’s still some part of you that is in some manner outside of that relationship, and conscious of the Divine will entering into and enhancing the relationship with the audience. In other aspects of life, that leads to a great deal of tension which can manifest as tremendously creative expression.

  24. Thats great! You fought your battle a long time and you did not allow anyone to take away your self-respect and you did something about it. Onwards and upwards!!

  25. I really enjoy your blog! The message is always very powerful. I was a performer for 6 years & I know the mental anguish you are going through. I know how you can be taken advantage of in the industry. But, like you said, “Know your worth.” If this project goes downhill, just know it may be a door closing, but the reason possibly could be another door is opening to allow you to shine even brighter then you are!

  26. I’ve never been through the anorexia battle you have but I’ve been through a self perpetuating situation where I was under appreciated, over worked and bullied. I did what you did, said enough was enough and actually quit for another path. It was so so hard, but so incredibly necessary to admit I was worth more than the people who were dragging me down. Your story inspires further than you know. Good luck! X

    • Hey there friend. Thank you so much for sharing this. So inspiring. I’m glad you went for the other path. Because you’re worth being surrounded by people who appreciate you! Sending massive hugs xox

      • Definitely easier to say it was a good idea from this side of the path! I don’t envy you going through it right now, but big whoop for realising it – that’s half the battle right there xx

      • It is so important that you stood up for yourself as allowing yourself to be treated like shit and with no respect is not compatible with recovery however much you love your job and project. I am moving forwards with my writing towards professionalising it doing a course in print and online journalism and a rewrite of my memoir after fantastic feedback from a publisher. I have spent so much time writing and not getting paid for it that I want this to change. I’m not sure I can actually stop writing as I love it so much but if I’m not able to professionalise it I will start putting my energies into working in the field of mental health instead. Good luck with your acting – it’s such a difficult profession..

      • Thank you Caroline:) that’s so awesome! Good luck with that-know that I am cheering for you every step of the way:) I think both options are terrific and powerful, and I know whatever you choose to focus on, you will be doing incredible things. Thanks for your encouragement this morning. Hugs and love xox

  27. Good for you! No . . . GREAT for you! You DO have immeasurable worth. You ARE invaluable. No price tag can be hung around your neck because you are a full human being ~ mind, body and soul ~ created in the image and likeness of God, and redeemed by the precious and most holy blood of Christ Jesus, King of kings and Lord of lords! Therefore, you have every right ~ dare I say obligation ~ to know and live out your immeasurable worth and invaluable value as a fully redeemed, recovered, precious and eternally loved child of God. Blessings to you many times over!

    • Haha thank you:) wow, what a kind comment. Seriously. I feel so incredibly validated after reading it. Amen-God is good and it is because of Him that I am free 🙂 hope you are having a beautiful evening. Thanks for reminding me of the inherent value you and I have as a child of God. Hugs and love xox

  28. You’re worth it because God made you unique, special and talented. We just all need to find the time to allow ourselves to become the person has called us to be. When our body tells us to stop the challenge is to press on! I just updated my Apple Watch this week and tried the breath App for simply one minute. We all need to stop and be still and for people of faith it is in the silence and stillness that we find God once again.

    A quick prayer this morning that all is back on track. God bless.

    • Thank you Rob! What a kind thing to say 🙂 You’re right – we need to have patience. Isn’t it funny that there’s an app for breathing! It just speaks to the fast paced world we’re all so accustomed to 🙂 So glad you stopped by! hugs xox

  29. Thanks for your transparency here. It’s awesome you were able to identify that you were starting to devalue yourself in this new situation, and find the courage to take a stand. That’s healthy, and inspiring! May God continue to provide you with strength and wisdom for the future. You are so loved!

    • Thank you friend! I really appreciate your encouragement. God is good, and i definitely am grateful that I am not responsible for my worth! It’s all because of Him! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and making me smile! big hugs xox

  30. That is fantastic! To come to this point in your life you have definitely taken another step in your recovery and it’s a big one. I so enjoy hearing about people coming and very difficult situations to Victory. Standing up for yourself and for your rights and this type of situation is a huge step. Give yourself a pat on the back, and then give God the glory that he has brought you to this point. I see only good things coming out of this.

    • Thanks Pete. Yeah, it’s funny how different aspects of recovery can find there way into non-ED-related areas of life! Thanks for the encouragement 🙂 you’re a great friend! hugs xox

  31. Go on like this!
    Important is to be happy with yourself, proud of what you do, and relaxed.
    That’s why I think you are on the good way, good thoughts and good road to happiness.
    Well done!
    All the best!

  32. Dear 3B’s,

    Glory to God! Let us rejoice in Jesus for blessing you with both awareness and grace to stand in the belief of what you know to be right for you. I recently came into that awareness myself. With your blessing, I would like to direct readers on my blog “Coffee Break with Carlos Michael” to this particular post. Your words resonated loudly with me, “I am worth it. I am worth being compensated for my time. For having my time be respected and my intellectual property recognized.” Yes, you are worth more than just the compensation. You are a woman of talent and grace; a daughter of the Most High … that alone says it all. If you lose the project, so be it, THERE WILL BE OTHERS!

    Thank you for doing what I only recently did and what so many of us need to do.

    AWAS! (Always With A Smile) …

    Carlos Michael

  33. Below is a copy of my devotion this morning. I post one everyday on Facebook to keep myself accountable. I thought it may be encouraging for you today. You’re making wise decisions. I pray God will open doors for you. He knows how much you’re worth! Stay strong!

    We’re often tempted to praise and serve God based on how we feel at any given time. God’s worthy of praise no matter how we feel. I’ve descovered there’s no better way to overcome negative feelings than by serving and praising God despite the negative feelings. Don’t be a slave to the chemical processes in your brain. Be led by the Spirit and not by your flesh.

    3 O send out thy light and thy truth: let them lead me; let them bring me unto thy holy hill, and to thy tabernacles. 4 Then will I go unto the altar of God, unto God my exceeding joy: yea, upon the harp will I praise thee, O God my God. 5 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
    (Psalm 43:3-5)

  34. LOOOOVE THIS! Thank you for being so honest. I’ve totally felt all of those things. Thank you for expressing it so eloquently. I wish you all that you deserve!

  35. I know that feeling of feeling like everything you write is just full of crap. It’s like my first indicator that there’s something I need to adjust. Or, alternatively, that there’s a desk I need to hide under and cry, lol.

  36. #loudapplause Good for you! I know this feeling all too well. I’m not an actress..unless you count pretending that I don’t know who ate the remaining cookies to my 8 yr old….but I am employed in management, so I get it! Kudos to you, it’s easy to stand up for others, but so hard to stand up for ourselves!

  37. Every trial that we are given is ultimately for our good, not to break us but so that we may become more spiritually mature (James 1:2-4). Don’t forget to ask for wisdom to endure such trials with faith(James 1:3-8). And we pray knowing that our struggle is not with people “flesh and blood” (Ephesians 6:10-18). Keep looking to Him and He will sustain you with peace through your struggles (Isaiah 26:3)!

  38. It’s good to get this all off your heart! Get it out of your system. However, when you do so, you need to fill the void with something or it will refill on the same kind of stress and anxiety.

    Try a little scripture reading and prayer to the Lord Almighty. Meditate on His word. Read the Psalms or the Proverbs for clarity and wisdom. Don’t “overload” on it at the beginning, just read a handful of verses along with a prayer. Empty yourself to God, the Author of peace, comfort, and clarity.


  39. This whole living what you believe thing is really hard! I keep running into that myself. Praying God gives you the strength to continue living out the truth He has shown you.

  40. Good for you! I have been contemplating quitting my job for MONTHS which is probably a sign that I should go ahead and do it, right?! Reading this really helped me pin down what I didn’t like about the company I work for. It doesn’t matter what industry you’re in, bad leaders are bad leaders.

      • I totally felt the same way about the warehouse job I used to have. My shift started and finished 90 minutes later than everyone else (different duties), and included cleanup at the end of the day. I did not feel respected by the other production employees, most of whom did not listen when I would ask them, if time permits, to take care of a few simple things to make my job easier (taking care of trash, cardboard, utensils, turning off lights/heaters; little stuff that adds up fast for one person). When I had too much to do, I had to prioritise. Spraying down the rooms and the machines was sometimes time consuming in itself. I didn’t feel respected, and I don’t miss being there.

      • Thanks for sharing this, friend. Wow that sounds like a very physically demanding job! You’re right-being respected is so important. Glad you moved on from there! Hugs and love xox

  41. Okay, I just had the blessing of reading your recent post. So I’m adding my voice to all the great encouragers. You’ve already done what God wants you to do in this situation with a godly approach to voicing what is right in a circle of people who forget to think about another’s personhood and worth. Standing up for what is ethical and right in this experience tells others in your sphere of influence that you hold in high regard their personhood and worth as well. It’s an important testimony for such a time as this…No worries, dear one. You did good…Trust God for His care. Will be praying for you. <3

    • Oh my gosh thank you so much:) I so appreciate this encouragement. It absolutely spoke to my soul. Definitely not the easiest thing to do, but I have to protect that truth. Sending massive hugs. Glad you stopped by. Xox

  42. You’re absolutely right ….the hours we’re expected to work and the way we are treated by our employers sometimes WHATEVER the profession just seems unsustainable doesn’t it?
    Everytime I have annual leave at the moment I just seem to collapse in an exhausted heap …too buzy to organise a proper vacation ….and look at Hiliary Clinton …collapses …diagnosed with pneumonia and bounces straight back to work …it’s not right is it?
    The woman should be given time to recover properly …it’s a cruel culture we live in really sometimes
    Anyway …healing hug to you …it’s Friday …time to chill out:):):):):)

  43. Amen sister! You have worth and you are invaluable!
    I have been a door mat most of my life it wasn’t until a few years ago I realized this same thing. I do not have to be treated like that.
    I just love reading your posts you always touch my heart in some way. Thank you for being you! ❤️❤️

  44. You are worth it! Honoring yourself & boldly taking a stand for YOU takes a lot of courage. <3 I commend you!

  45. It take more courage than most realize to take that internal look and with honesty and courage take a stand.
    Such a big step to see, accept and embrace the person that you are., not because you are perfect but because you are a unique individual that is worth it.
    So simple on black and white but so complex within our “Gray”.
    Please accept my renewed respect and admiration.
    Looking forward to your posts in the future.

  46. What a great testimony to how strong your inner strength has become, you recognized the situation and had the courage to take the solution. Reminds me of Jesus telling the disciples to shake the dust off their feet and move on when they were not received anywhere. Good for you, God will show a better path for you that will utilize all your talents gained so far. God Bless.

    • Aw thank you so much! Yes, I trust that God has a good plan. I just have to trust. And that’s exactly what my mom said: shake the dust off:) great minds…:) so glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox

  47. Beautiful! Well done! Don’t know how you stumbled across my brand new blog, but I’m glad you did because your post blessed me. Hugs from Melbourne, Australia.

  48. Practice, practice, practice. I used to think that when I found myself “going backwards” from all the growing/learning/changing in my life, that I just failed. That’s it: it’s all over for me. But that’s not the case at all. I found that I would still fall on my face, devaluing myself and co-dependantly resenting my husband. But then, I had a bit more practice of how to pickup and try again. Every time it’s faster. Every time I spend less time “down in that.” Every time I would get more practice living in the truth of who I am in Christ, and how I want to treat myself and my loved ones.

    Good job practicing!

  49. You are a beautiful person on the inside as well as on the outside. And you are helping thousands of people, through your own struggles. As a youth pastor, I have found, that people look up to people, who have gone through what they are going through.

    I have read this somewhere: Finding someone suffering from the same mental illness as yourself: priceless. There is some truth to this! We find that we can connect and find healing in the Lord through the support of people like yourself. Who is willing to share their pain, struggles, and victories.

    I cannot always respond to your posts, but I do read them. Thank you for being here and remember this: you are a beautiful person, on the inside as well as the outside. Love ya sister.

  50. Sometimes I think of your face and then I smile inside and then I think to myself that this is strange.

    The other day I thought that you should run for the presidency and then I smiled inside again.

    You are making people feel happy with you face alone.

    You are real and so I am saying so with your face in mind.

    Love in Jesus.

    • Hey there terry! Awwwww you just made my day:) 😍 thank you! Hahah oh my gosh the presidency. That’s hysterical!! Seriously though, you’re amazing. Thanks for making me smile:) big big hugs to you friend xox

  51. Dear BBB,

    Thank you again for your deeply, sincerely self-revelatory honesty. I honor your integrity, in your words, putting your foot down,standing up for yourself, finally backing up what you believe with your actions.

    Not to challenge your sense of your reality – and I raise the following point with care, for I am not you nor was I with you to witness for myself your experience – but I wonder about that word “finally.”

    From reading your posts o’er time, I have my own sense that you are a person of long-sought, now found, deeply held integrity. You are one who strives and succeeds to be true to herself. All of herself, verily, her self – your triumphs and your struggles, your light and your darkness, your searing, again, honesty and your authenticity.

    I say all this to share my sense of you that in your participation in this project, from the beginning, you sought to give of yourself fully and freely, that is to say, with integrity. When the experience chafed your soul because it – and those around you – demanded of you more than was/is equitable, then you and your self-same integrity called you to change course, alter your response to the experience. In all and through all, you were/are being you – yes, woundedly, yet also miraculously, wonderfully whole.

    • Hey there Paul. Thank you so much for this. That’s a great question. I guess I said finally because what this project turned into is not what I signed up for. I signed onto the project with the requirement being one night a week for 90 minutes. And it turned into 5-6 days a week for close to 8hrs a day. All with no compensation. It was a little by little progression to that-first two days a week, then three, then switching to daytime, then sometimes Saturday’s, then Friday’s, then earlier call times and later wraps. It kept pushing the boundaries more and more and more. So when I initially signed on for the one evening, I was okay with volunteering my time for a project I was excited about. But this had gone too far. I don’t think I compromised my integrity by putting my foot down, because at the end of the day-that was truly unprofessional, -an abuse of power and taking advantage of a willing and dedicated individual. Hope that clarifies 🙂

  52. “But allowing this treatment communicates – whether I realize it or not – that I actually don’t believe that.” And the impact of this is demonstrated in the fact that you crossed out the word “inhumane” and substituted it with “unprofessional” – you relegated your innermost feelings to irrelevance and replaced them with a word that complies with the socio-economic norms and demands of modernity. There is nothing “unprofessional” about mistreatment – it is inhumane pure and simple because it assaults your humanity.

    This co-option by economic prerogatives illustrates one of the lies of modernity and it’s construction of work – a lie that causes profound human suffering. The workplace – whether it’s a theatre, a TV set, a farm, a factory, an office, whatever – is not a “neutral space” in which people shuck off their humanity and become robots called “professionals”. The workplace is a social and communal space, one in which the demands of respect and dignity are not replaced or sublimated by the demands for maximal efficiency or productivity.

    Good on you, though, for standing up for yourself. Not enough people do that because they fear reprisal or loss; and it is this fear that enables abusers to continue abusing. But your dignity is worth defending; and your humanity is worth preserving from co-option by the demands of exploitative work practices. Go well! 🙂

    • Wow what a powerful reflection! Thank you so much. I didn’t realize that when I was crossing out that word, it was actually exemplifying everything I was talking about! But it’s so true! Respect and dignity are rights-not luxuries:) thanks for this great encouragement. Hugs and love xox

  53. Another medal for bravery my friend 🙂 This is a difficult thing to do in any setting, much less in recovery and with a “non -traditional” career. I’m glad you listened to your body and did what was needed to secure your temple.


  54. Hi Caralyn, Just wanted to say, first of all, thank you for being the first to read and like my recent post. I can’t keep up with your pace, but I do try to read your posts every now and then. You’re an insightful young woman, as well as courageous, smart, and beautiful, inside and out. You’ve already figured out the importance of self-care — something many women still need to learn. Continue to stay true to who you are. Obviously, you’re affecting a lot of people with your willingness to be so vulnerable. Kudos and a big hug.

  55. Really, this is a good teachable moment for a very large number of people. Everyone faces challenges. There are people in this world who appear to get their jollies by abusing others in one way or another. When confronted with the situation, people have the choice to speak up or not. Speaking up requires a willingness to accept consequences, whatever they are, but its usually the right thing to do. Once upon a time, there was a simple, vibrant protest song, “have you been to jail for justice?”, written about the need to speak up. Most people either never heard it or have forgotten, but you can find it on YouTube.
    Problems do arise when people act before they have complete information, or when people act on a definition of “right” that others don’t share. ISIS and the KKK fall into the latter category. The TV show, “What would you do?”, encourages the former (fitting since you really have to go to media outside the US these days to get thorough news coverage).

  56. Beloved Caralyn! Remember that Jesus is always with you and he is constantly transforming your life in a greater and greater masterpiece. His power, his freshness and his eternal life is already within you and he has a perfect plan for your future, because the vision of Christ sees only perfection and there is an abundance of blessings in store for you, designed uniquely for you with his personal authorised signature.
    „All things are possible to him who believes.“ the Lord has written dreams in your heart and with them the power to accomplish them, they are the trail and the breath of the Holy Spirit, that is working in you. Trust them. Every time I face a problem, I remind myself that every problem comes with a promise and a provision attached to it and every challenge is a training for reigning, so that we become trustworthy ambassadors of his kingdom and perfected into the image of his son: „So be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.“

    Good night/Laila tov לילה טוב ,
    Mark 🙂

  57. I think we all go through a period where we forget our worth especially when it’s for something that we think we truly want and need. However, the true test comes when you take a stand and let the chips fall where they fall. Once we respect and value who we are, then everyone will. We allow people to treat us badly when we treat ourselves badly. I’m happy that you put your foot down, because loving you is more important. Very insightful post.

  58. Impressive. Raw. Honest. Straightforward, and most of all… on-point. When a sometimes cynic like me can “feel ya”, you have achieved what most writers only hope for. Keep up the great work and always believe in the power of YOU.

  59. Way to chop down the ‘bean-stalk’ that had taken root in your life, with an ax of faith, hope, and trust! YOU just did that!!!! And I am proud of you… Hugs!

  60. My dear sister in Christ, I followed your blog today, because I notice you read just about everything I post: prose, poetry, and devotionals. I regret that I did not do it sooner. My own writing is so inconsistent, and at the heart of things, I don’t tend to follow blogs because the ones I DO follow, I have so little time to read. In the end, though, we do as we please, so ultimately, I guess I don’t feel like reading them. Yours is special, not just because of your recovery, but because of the epiphanies that you reveal, because of your courage, because of your vulnerability and openness. And so, please forgive my negligence where you have been faithful. I appreciate every reader, but of all those who follow my blog, you’ve been the most consistent. It hasn’t gone unnoticed, and I want you to know that. You are the daughter of the Most High King, and He will make a smooth the crooked places for you. I pray that for you, and thank you so much for supporting my writing. I’m glad that, for my part, we now to get to lift up each other.

  61. Glad you were able to find yourself again and fix the issue. I tend to do the same thing myself at times because I know that I have my little family depending on me. I enjoy your blog and how real you allow yourself to be, keep it up.

  62. Love the post, I’ve recently been going through a similar series of events and this morning – for once – I stood up for myself and got what I wanted and deserved (because I paid for it nonetheless) and I thought to myself I should really be fighting in my corner more often rather than letting everyone walk all over me at the expense of my own joy and energy. Anyway enough about me! Just wanted to say I can relate and thanks for posting and articulating it so beautifully.

    • Thank you so much. So glad it resonated with you. Yes! You deserve joy and energy and I’m so proud of you for claiming those things and standing up for yourself. Believe me, I know how scary that can be! So glad you stopped by:) Hugs and love xox

  63. It is so easy to stand for others in need, but often very difficult to stand for ourselves. In a way many of us believe the lie that we deserve ill treatment or a punishment for our shortcomings we see in the mirror each morning, but God has given us new life, a new identity and an image after His own Son. I am a child of God and as I stand for myself in Christ, I stand to glorify God!

    Col 2:6 As ye have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in him:
    Col 2:7 Rooted and built up in him, and stablished in the faith, as ye have been taught, abounding therein with thanksgiving

    Abound in God, no shame in standing for what Christ died for.

  64. So just a brief note for you regarding the entertainment industry: Actors are THE most exploited element in this industry. They will ALWAYS push you to accept more and more denigration, to the point you either sacrifice your morality, and play ball or disappear into the never ending cattle calls and auditions that never come. (and of course the “working for free to pay my dues” concept is little more than legalized slavery.) I’ve worked in the industry for some time (behind the camera) and unfortunately some of the worst people on the planet are actors (and producers) – Those that have sacrificed any and all that is holy and moral for that infamous “big break.” I’m not placing you in that category, I don’t know you of course, but I am telling you that the industry is CRAMMED FULL, both film, theater, and music, with vile wolves that will promise you anything in order to exploit you to the extreme. No more detail there but you get the idea. So that’s the danger… Hold tight to who you are in Him, give ZERO ground because once you do, it’s a long fall with no end in sight. Peace sister. You CAN do great work in entertainment but you MUST exorcise extreme discernment and recognize your soul is more important than anything we may achieve on Earth. Be safe.

    • Hey David! Wow thank you so much for this response. It’s really great to hear from someone who knows the biz from “the other side.” So true. Just this past weekend I had to turn down two films – one where they insisted on nudity and I said heck to the NO! And another where, again, they wanted to only pay 50$/day. It’s a shame. Especially since they know they can perpetuate this atrocious treatment, because, there will always be someone willing to do it. But enough about that-I’ll step off my soap box now too haha thanks for affirming me and taking the time to read! And best of luck in all your creative endeavors! Sending hugs xox

  65. Hi I am new to this blogging – but I wanted to say that your post resonates so much with me…and I especially love that you recognised your own weakness..and so so bravely STOOD UP..Remembering that when you act with Jesus..with His Love and Integrity covering you, man cannot permeate and drag you down. You seem like an inspiring young lady, I look forward to reading more. I am a Christian writer, activist, stand up comic, presenter and recently disabled wheelchair user,,,who giggle incessantly…STAY BLESSED AND ENJOY HIS PRESENCE….

  66. Amen sister! It’s amazing how sneaky and surreptitious those habits and behaviors can be that stem from not believing we have worth. Bravo for recognizing them. That is a large part of the battle.

  67. Hey, thanks for the like on my recent post! After reading this I can sympathize so hard with you. Self-love is so important and, yet, one of the hardest things to maintain. I know that, for me, I have to consciously make an effort each day to know my worth- and when life starts piling up, reminding myself that I’m worthy and that I’m loved usually takes the backburner. I hope that you’re able to find a happy medium in your life and that, most importantly, you always remember that you are enough- just the way you are. Xx

  68. Hi BBB,

    I also dropped by because I noticed you’ve liked some of my posts, so I wanted to say hi. I empathize with you for what you were going through when you wrote this — the world can be a demanding place, and sometimes its pressures can be overwhelming. It’s great that you were able to act with integrity! When I read your statement, “I thrive on hard work and dedication. It’s part of my make up. But this time, it’s different. My body is telling me – imploring me –screaming at me – that everything is not alright.”, it inspired a thought that I wanted to share, if I may be so bold:

    His circumstances were certainly different than your situation, but God once told the apostle Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for MY strength is made perfect in WEAKNESS.” (2 Cor. 12:9) What was true for Paul is true for all, and I think anyone who is able to fully understand the meaning of that verse is greatly blessed, so I wanted to share it with you. I would be interested in hearing your thoughts as to the connection I feel this scripture has with your above experience!

  69. Your struggle sounds all too familiar. It only takes one experience like this to tamper with security of self-worth. The truth is our worth goes “beyond bones”. This is truth for life as we reflect on Christ who died to reconcile us to our heavenly Father. He shrouds believers in a righteousness beyond any scale of measure in this life. The truth is, a hostile work environment may be a faith growth opportunity to strengthen relationship with God in Heaven by forcing us to depend on His unseen power in our life. Another truth is, a spiritual strain at work can and will develop when there is a situation of being “unequally yoked” with a work group that there is no common ground, such as: biblical values, professional goals, professional planning, etc. Each is an opportunity for learning more about ourselves, relationship, other people, and our faith; But NEVER easy and always lways requires more strength than we can will on our own.
    Thank you for bravely sharing your struggle.

    • Hi there! Thank you for this beautiful reflection. You’re right-sometimes we’re given opportunities to deepen our reliance on Him. Growth opportunities. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

  70. I appreciate the post. I feel burned out myself at times. I am hoping to add to the idea of worth. I think it’s important to know that Jesus did not die for us because he saw we were worth it. If it is because he saw something in us worth dying for, then what happens when we struggle or fail in that area? Are we no longer worthy? Jesus saw us for who we are, with all our weaknesses, failures, our rebellion, and insufficiencies and because of who he is (in spite of who we are) he died to ascribe to us value and worth. Your worth has nothing to do with you and everything to do with who God is. We are finite and fallible and if our worth had anything to do with us, we would find ourselves unworthy way too often. Because that worth is dependent upon God, who is unchanging, then we are always valuable by God’s declaration. Does that make sense?

    • Thank you so much MA. I really appreciate your reflection. i absolutely love that – “My worth has nothing to do with me and everything to do with who God is.” Amen!! thanks for sharing this! hugs xox

  71. This is great! We all struggle with standing up for ourselves sometimes. I struggle with this a lot. However, when you begin to understand that God has a purpose for you, that feeling starts to go away. I’m glad you realized this and are sharing it with others, so they can also be encouraged!

    You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength!

      • This acting world is full of this – because no one has enough money to complete thier projects. So they depend on those of us who are looking for help in obtaiing auditon work for their own reels – it can be quid pro quo – and we eat crow sometimes. But if we acsribe to the “Hollywood” agenda – you might be surpirsed at the real cost to your soul. Perhaps God protects His own from the dangers it poses. I put down that dream – out of choice – when I saw the lives of everyone used for nefarious reasons as they guilded the narcsisstic egos with undeserved gold.

  72. Caralyn, it took me awhile to write you a note about this post, because I have been contemplating it since it appeared in my inbox. Your words really struck a chord with me. They often do, but this time was a little different, because this time, it felt like there was a message here that was directly applicable to my life in the present moment, and not only because I also have a stress twitch in my right eye. For the last several months, I have felt overworked, overburdened, and entirely invalidated, which has left me edgy, exhausted, and angry. In April, I took on several new responsibilities and projects all at once. At the time, they seemed necessary for my career, my continued growth in my recovery, and my practical survival. (https://realadventuresofbecomingme.wordpress.com/2016/05/07/riding-the-rails/) Things are a bit more settled now. If I were to find myself in a similarly precarious situation, my resume is refreshed, my skills are honed, and I am more confident in myself and my abilities because of how I managed to tackle all of the additional responsibilities I’ve been juggling all summer. Yet, I am suffocating under the workload, and it no longer seems necessary. What’s more, it suddenly became clear to me last week just how much I have been letting certain other individuals take advantage of my work ethic. At first, I was pissed to discover the extent of the deception, but it finally helped me find the self-assuredness to put my own foot down. And it feels AMAZING! It feels like I might actually get my life back! I told my supervisor that I simply don’t have time to commit to one of the extra projects I have been working on since May, and she was completely understanding, and then I also requested that we re-evaluate the way our caseload is distributed to make it more equitable, which is also happening! It feels awesome to finally be standing up for myself! Before, I was so angry and inwardly-focused, that I knew I was not appreciating the blessing God was trying to give me. Now, I feel like I can be free and open to receive whatever he has in store for me next! Sorry that this comment is excessively long, but your story was so strong, it has stayed with me and really impacted me in a different way this time. I hope that everything is working out with your project, but if it isn’t, I am sure that God has something better in store for you next! Have a GREAT weekend! xoxo

    • Hi Lulu, thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry that you can personally relate. I’m so glad that you put your foot down and stood up for yourself! That’s so awesome! Woo! I’m cheering for you:) hope you’re having a great week! Hugs xox

  73. I belive you get more of that same, in other words you did the right thing and the universe will send you into situations where you are respected. First you have to make known what is not acceptable, the rest will fall into step. It takes courage to stand against all, buy you did it and and feel better for it. I congratulate you, Sincerely!

  74. Very well said.You need to take care of you.Protect what’s important.I am encouraged by your recovery story.Every time I see your post I think how your writing can help othere especially young girls.