Questionable Authenticity

Posted on by beautybeyondbones

Maybe it’s because I’m listening to some vintage John Mayer (Room for Squares — holla!), or the fact that I’ve spent the last 30 minutes wistfully looking through old pictures of my family, but here I am, back at the keyboard, taking on a subject that has been weighing on my heart all day today.

I’m not going to lie…I found myself lying awake at 2am last night, with this pit in my stomach. And no…it has nothing to do with the nerves of excitement I may feel about my date tomorrow.  Or the trepidation I feel about the fact that there is now Pumpkin Spice flavored toothpaste…

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It was because, recently, my authenticity has been questioned by a few people.

Not authenticity in my recovery. But the authenticity of my character. Who I am.

And I’m going to be really honest here…it hurt.

Please don’t read this as a cry for affirmation or attention or fishing for praise or anything like that. This is just me, being open and painfully honest with my friends.

Writing this blog, though I love it, is a bit frightening. Nerve wracking. Anxiety inducing sometimes. Bearing my soul to almost 18,000 people…that’s some scary crap.

But every time I go to hit publish, I just remember that I’m writing for an audience of One. And it is my deepest prayer that this blog may stumble into the hands of even one person who needs some hope.

But what hurt the most about these recent remarks of skepticism, is that the whole point of this blog – the purpose of this “podunk ministry” – has been founded on being transparent  — painfully transparent: Sharing my past and all the garbage that accompanies it, illustrating current prayers/fears/hopes/struggles/funny moments, and hopefully future lessons and growth. I’m literally holding nothing back…however irresponsible that may be.

But more than that…my recovery from anorexia has been about remembering who I was. 

My favorite way to sum up recovery is this: Allowing myself to become who I’d always been. 

Because the truth is, I lost who I was during my disease. The vibrant, loving, carefree girl with hopes and dreams and faith and spunk and sassiness and a thirst for life & love & God — she was trampled, suffocated by ED.

One of the exercises we did during family week at inpatient was an art project where we had to depict how the anorexia impacted you. Each person in my family had to make something, including me.

And I made a black box…a coffin. And inside the coffin I put rainbow confetti. My anorexia was the box and my previous self was the rainbow construction paper. It had put to death the girl who was once full of life.

And my recovery has been about finding that girl. Rediscovering the rainbow confetti of my soul. Of my spirit.

Remembering who I was – at my core…and then allowing myself to become that girl again.

2 Corinthians 5:17 When you were dead…God made you alive with Christ. 

That’s full recovery.

That’s what this journey is all about.

And that’s what I’ve been doing on this blog – remembering and liberating the authentic me. The genuine me that has so long been shut away.

And that’s why this blog is so near and dear to my heart. Because each one of you has been so accepting and loving towards the true me, as I’ve shakily stretched my wings for the first time.

So why am I saying this.

I guess I just want to express that…this is me. I mean every word I write on this blog, every reply, every eye-roll-inducing cheesy quip that I just can’t resist…this is who I am.

I hope that you sense the authenticity of me: Caralyn. Because I really do hold each person who reads this blog in my heart and in my prayers. And I am genuinely grateful for the friendships and little community we have here.


That’s all for tonight.

Sending massive hugs and love — and yes — I mean that 🙂

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BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

376 thoughts on “Questionable Authenticity”

  4. Your story is a vision of light to others who suffer, and an encouragement to continue the fight to freedom, to the return of that delightful fun loving, bright, delightful person that was there all along, but who for whatever reason was momentarily lost. You’ve found her! Never let her go, and consider what others day, but never ever let them try to put you back in that box. You don’t belong there, you never did! I adore you! This is in no way a sympathy card. This is a congratulatory card! I’m proud of you! I know I don’t “know” you, but from what I’ve seen, your a remarkable young woman. Recently someone did the same to me. It hurt and I was astounded for it was an unfair attack, by someone who has no clue who I am. Perhaps it was motivated by their own security, or jealousy. I have no idea. What I do know, is, it was absolutely untrue! I know who I am. Enjoy your date! Have some fun, relax and let yourself shine. Your deserve it, and you are definitely worth it! I’d sincerely love to know how it goes. PM me if you wish privacy. Take care, talk soon.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh my gosh you’ve made me smile with this. Thank you so much:) you’re right-I’m never letting her go again! Thanks:) I’m kinda excited:) hehe Hope you’re having a great night! Hugs and love xox

      Like

  5. If you have reached one person by sharing your journey and provided them with hope for their future, think about what a blessing you were and remain! I write about my depression and anxiety now and then for the same reason you share your journey.
    To raise awareness and if I too could or have reached at least one person, it is all worth it!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Only you know if you’re being authentic and that’s who matters.

    Personally, I like reading your blog and I watch your YT videos so I find value there. People are always going to troll, question and disagree with you. In some cases that’s great because it allows you to consider otger perspectives. Other times it might hurt. In a way, that can teach us to roll with the punches and evaluate whetger they’re right.

    Keep it up and good luck on the date!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I am so proud of you. What I’ve learned reading you has been a gift that I am so glad to have stumbled upon. I am completely unfamiliar with the struggles of anorexia, but I am not unfamiliar with struggle. I’m sure I’m old enough to be your father, but that just confirms your ministry. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Just wanted to say
    I think you’re absolutely gorgeous
    So beautiful, body and soul
    Loving and forgiving, of yourself and others

    I expect nothing in return
    Just knowing that you know
    That you are deeply loved
    And never live in fear is enough

    Liked by 1 person

  10. You are amazing the way you are nobody not even ED will take that from you, the most important being in the universe loves you with an ever lasting love and takes so much joy in you 😄 I am one person you have helped and encouraged so much more than you will probably ever know ❤ I love you for the encouragement and love you show me! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Benjamin 🙂 This is such a powerful perspective. You’re right – God loves me, and that is what I need to remember 🙂 and aww thank you for saying that. That seriously warms my heart and means the world. Sending massive hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. your encouragement and prayers for me are always a comfort, I know you continually pray for us all and I know its really is working ❤ and thank you for taking the time to read my blog, I know the number of people who read it doesn't matter as it is just me putting thoughts and feelings into words, but Im really glad people are reading, hope they are encouraged by it like I am with yours, I know you will probably get a few mentions in my posts as you are one of the reasons I still have a 'Wordpress account' and feel encouraged to blog. (atleast I can pray for you by name now hehe)
        sending you lots of live and hugs (and butternut squash ice cream ;)) xxx

        Like

  11. When we get lost and are working on finding our way to who we are, sometimes it may appear to others as being disingenuous. However, when we are in this fog and time of recovering self, for anyone to expect more then what we can give, whether it is true or just the best we can do for that day- if they love you, they must except what you can give. People will judge and question what they do not understand, give yourself permission to distance yourself from this negativity. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Right off the bat, BBB, I’m sending you lots of what my daughter call “squeezy hugs” plus honest love and respect. With all the followers you have I think you are bound to get some whacked-out opinions and accusations that can be hurtful if you take them to heart. Maybe you can dismiss them as they should be by listening to 1 John 4:”Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God”. As these various spirits come to you, test them, and don’t let the ones who do not come from God cause you to change or withhold one iota of who you are.
    Lots of hugs and love XOXOX, Rich

    Liked by 3 people

  13. It is very difficult for me to imagine anyone doubting your authenticity, but reading this latest blog carefully (or trying my best) something deep inside tells me that, as you’ve said, it’s not so much your recovery that they’re questioning but your faith and (perceived) “podunk ministry.” In other words, it’s not so much the overcoming anorexia that bothers them as it is you simply, openly, honestly being YOU! Perhaps they have misconstrued what you are doing here as carrying out some kind of covert, quasi-religious agenda??? (My take on this may be totally off and, if so, I apologize.) At any rate, this is one reader who has ALWAYS accepted you as being genuine, authentic . . . the real deal! And may God continue to bless you abundantly!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you friend 🙂 what a kind thing to say. that really means a lot. You have been such a consistent source of positivity 🙂 I hope you know how grateful I am for YOU! 🙂 Hope you’re having a beautiful night. hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  15. I enjoy and appreciate every moment of your authenticity. You are absolutely one of my favorite bloggers. You can only be who you are. Everyone will not appreciate that, but it does not change your journey to beauty, inner peace, and all that life has to offer. Keep your head up!

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Pumpkin spice flavored toothpaste…. :/ When I was growing up, they had fruit punch flavored toothpaste, which tasted good, but it got me wondering if it really was all that good for my teeth. I could just imagine the sugar nomming down on my enamel. (I was a kid. I figured, “Tastes like fruit punch = sugar.”) I think I’d feel the same way about the pumpkin spice flavored one.

    As for whether or not you’re being authentic on this blog, I don’t understand that accusation at all. In your written words and in your videos, you come across as being a very genuine person. The words you write and say are what you mean and believe.

    May God bless you.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Caralyn my little sister:

    You be you and we either love you for who you are or we don’t. PS. What’s not to love anyway? I know I speak for a lot in your community, we appreciate you and your candor!

    By the way Caralyn, my wife is Karlyn…sisters.

    All our love,
    Bro Stef and Karlyn
    😇💕☝🏻️

    Liked by 1 person

  20. You know who you are, you’re a child of God, and a warrior & survivor. I just started reading your blog, but i already really appreciate the positivity and encouragement that you serve up with every post. Just you, you’re the only one who can! Keep writing, you’re making a difference sister!

    Liked by 2 people

  22. Remember Jesus said, “When we are not received to shake the dust off of our feet.” I think often in life we have to do that with some, I know I have. I had to do so to move on in life, with my heart intact.

    I am not saying it is easy, but sometimes life calls us to do just that. Always remember, even though at times, others say things which hurt us, we must always ask ourselves, “Is this worth my time in defending me and my cause are not?”

    The main thing is, you move past it, just like you did with ED. The shame of this would be, is that YOU would let it become a stumbling block so BIG for you, that you would fall, and not move forward.

    We can never control the emotions, feelings, or tongues of another, but we can always CONTROL how we respond to them, or if it is even worth our time. Always remember that. Love you and God Bless, SR

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey SR. This is really really great advice. Thank you so much. It’s funny my mom actually has given me this same sentiment before and it really is a powerful perspective. Shake the dust off. Thanks for being such a positive light! Big hugs xox

      Liked by 2 people

  24. The world is full of people who doubt everyone that doesn’t see the world through their eyes. No one ever will and no one need try. You have been as transparent as anyone dare and it is evident that your transparency comes with a cost to you and yet you bear it in hopes of helping others. There is nothing inauthentic about that. God offered salvation to all that believed, accepted, and lived with faith. Not all accepted. You offer a balm to wounded souls, a sublime felicity to those touched by it. Not all will partake. I like to say that when our challenges are greatest, our faith should be at its strongest. Be strong. Be you. Be that rainbow free of the box. Let the doubters know you by your deeds and let those that believe in your story love you for being you. I hope you enjoy your date. I suspect a young man will know he is in the presence of a lady and treat her well.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for this beautiful reflection. I really appreciate your support. You’re right – God is definitely the source for our healing. And yes! Free the rainbow! I feel like that should be a t shirt haha thanks again Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you, Caralyn. It’s always my pleasure to read and I am one reader inspired to hope by your message. 😀

        Like

  27. I have no idea why someone would make those comments. You are one of the most genuine and transparent bloggers I’ve come across. The truths and personal stories you share are changing people’s lives, so don’t let this get you down. And on a later note, I LOVE Room for Squares! John’s music has gotten me through some tough times in my life.

    Liked by 2 people

  28. You’re always going to get people who don’t understand you, or pretend not to, online. All they have are your words and photos. You know your story to be true and that’s all that should matter. At least how I see it.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Never thought you to be anything but genuine. In this world of unlimited technology it is difficult to identify something genuine. You are blessed with that gift. Hold on to it, grow it and continue to share it. Seems you have a higher calling from Someone. Thanks

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much John. This is such a beautiful and kind comment. I am just so grateful for the saving power that Someone has had in my life:) I feel it my duty to share:) hope you’re having a great week. Hugs xox

      Like

  30. Many doubted Jesus was who He said He was. Many still do. I love that you really do write for Him, so as long as He’s pleased, you are good!

    But, and I’m sorry… pumpkin spice toothpaste??? Really?!?!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for saying that, HM. That’s a powerful way to look at it. 🙂 and haha I know! I am ALL FOR pumpkin spice…I mean I even made a cooking video about pumpkin spice ice cream…but I know-no thank you!! Haha have a great night! Hugs and love xox

      Liked by 1 person

  32. That’s exactly what I’m going through, right now. On some way or the other, rediscovering my true self.
    Luckily I have professional help, to guide me through this oh-so-difficult path.
    Your posts always include something to relate to.
    Truly love it!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Everyone and everything has detractors and naysayers. Some people simply don’t have the capacity to see good, do good, or feel good. They wallow in negativity and enjoy pulling others down to their level. Feel sorry for them. You have nothing to prove to anyone. Keep doing you! 👍😉

    Liked by 1 person

  34. I think you are a blessing to everyone who reads your blog. You are taking something tragic and with God’s help, living a life of purpose. You’re an inspiration to others and God’s light shines through you. This 44 year old single mother, gains such encouragement from you. Your public display of faith, inspires me to be a better person. Isn’t that what we’re put on earth for? To help others? That’s pretty authentic to me.

    Keep smiling pretty lady. It’s contagious!
    Penelope

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my gosh thank you Penelope. What an incredibly kind thing to say. You’re right-it has been God’s saving power in my life:) and yes! We’re here to cheer each other on, and know that I am cheering you on! Sending massive hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

  35. There is a genuineness and authenticity to your writing that is borne out in your incredible vulnerability. Those who question it are probably saying more about themselves than about you, although that doesn’t really make it hurt any less. Not infrequently, I find myself meditating on something that you wrote or one of your word art quotes. You have been given a blessing of being able to express your faith, hope, and love with such simple eloquence. I am so grateful for your posts. My reaction is often, “Yes! That’s it, exactly! I just never could put my finger on it before!” Also, as for recovery, it is tremendously encouraging to me that you are so many years ahead of me. I like to wonder how I’ll be in another 5 or 10 years. So, thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Lulu. Honest to goodness if im ever feeling down I always go back and read your comments because they are so positive and uplifting and full of so much love and support. I am so grateful for you and your friendship. And I know I must sound like a broken record, but that’s the truth: you are awesome! Big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you so much, Caralyn! I am honestly relieved that you find my comments uplifting and encouraging. I often feel like a broken record, too, but maybe we all need a little of that in our lives. After all, the voices of doubt and despair can be very loud in all of our ears. Hope your week gets off to a good start! I’m looking forward to your next post! ❤️

        Like

  36. From one recovering girl to another…thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and the healing intent of your message. I know how hurtful it is to have others fail to recognize the real you. Don’t worry about them; they are looking outward. You are looking inward. You are feeling, and for many of us, that is true progress. We always felt more than we could handle and we shut down, each in our own way. You have acknowledged the hurt, and now you are turning it around and giving us hope. Well done, girl!

    Liked by 1 person

  37. Still listening to you at Patreon! My comments are over there. Too bad more folks don’t see you over there too! Especially with the Journal entries from in-patient! *WARNING* I’m afraid I went “dad” on you again…

    Liked by 1 person

  38. I admire you so much. And the way that you are able to be open, candid, and vulnerable. It takes a lot of courage to do that. There will always be haters and people who question realness and authenticity, but who are they to question others?
    Recently, I noticed a theme in my life where I ran into friends/ more like acquaintances who I used to consider close friends. After hearing what they had been up to since the last time we met I shared what I have been currently working on in school and they both said (on separate ocasions )almost in the exact words, “Oh, I thought you already did that.” By “that” it was go to the university. I have been struggling for years and have worked so hard to get to the point where I could have this luxury of studying and their judgements felt harsh, hurtful, and made me feel small… Once I got through the initial sting, I realized that these were not the types of people that I wanted in my life.
    I think that our friends should be in our corners cheering us on no matter how long it takes us to reach our dreams.
    I’m sorry, I rambled on and on here…
    Sending you lots of hugs! Xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  39. All I can say is, I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read of yours so far .. .and from one soul to another, who is trying to ‘recover’ / reconcile themselves … You go you good thing you!! 🙂 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  41. Thank you for being transparent and honest, which is very unpopular in this contemporary world! Being transparent and brutally honest makes you vulnerable and many would consider that as a weakness, but it’s one of the greatest strength anyone could harness.

    Maybe someday you should write a book or a pamphlet, however small it is and entitle it “Beauty Beyond Bones: Rediscovering the Rainbow Confetti of my Soul”….and share your story.

    Just saying!

    Anywho…You’ve found purpose in your pain and struggle, just like everyone must do, someday, keep it up!

    Liked by 1 person

  42. You are perfect and now seeing it in yourself is the hard part… It’s so easy to pick at oneself in the mirror… Be good yourself:) peace

    Liked by 1 person

  43. Your writing is compelling because of your honesty, because you have a story to tell and you tell it fearlessly. When we live fearlessly, when we pursue our goals and are authentic, we threaten those who are insecure and fearful. They strike out at us, usually in our most vulnerable moments or in the most hurtful way. Try to use this as a reminder that what you’re sharing is touching people, deeply. Some people are ready for that and some aren’t. Thank you for inviting me into your world, it’s beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Jordyn. That really is a powerful perspective. Gotta just keep on keeping on 🙂 and thank you for joining me on the journey! Grateful for you:) hope you’re having a great night xox

      Like

  45. I love how you bare yourself on this blog, that vulnerability is scary to some and it makes it tough. You will always draw attention from people who don’t understand, but if God is calling you to write then write. I feel ridiculous writing my story sometimes but maybe if one person takes his or her first step toward healing because of what i write then I can take 10K critics…

    Liked by 1 person

  46. We shouldn’t care what other people think of who we are, its pointless. Most people don’t even understand who they are, how would they understand who you are? Not saying you’re super concerned one way or the other just felt like sharing

    Liked by 1 person

  47. Always be yourself. In my blog, I look back and realize that I have no idea who I am. I am on a journey of discovering who I am and I think that if we are all honest with each other and ourselves we will see that this is all a journey. I have no idea who said things to you or what they said. But don’t let it discourage you from sharing from your heart. Don’t let it discourage you from being yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  48. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about you. It only matters what you think and what God thinks. If you are in alignment with Him then you are ok. I’m so sorry you were criticized.

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  49. Ugh, I have absolutely nothing nice to say about trolls, so I will say nothing about them except I get them often. I have such a spongy, sensitive personality that it just destroys me, but like you, I have a few people counting on me to speak the truth.

    The people who matter, those of us counting on you, we love no matter what you do. You’ve done so much for me and I’m just a stranger to you. I’m sure there are so many more besides me. So don’t fret. Here, I have something for you for when you get haters, it’s provided me with plenty of giggles through the tears ❤ : http://imgur.com/pVYHUsZ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Rebecca! I’m so sorry you can relate to the trolls, but thank you so much for that little nugget of cuteness! Haha let’s go hula hoop together haha seriously though, thank you for your encouraging words. Big hugs xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’ve taken your brokenness and made it so useful for God. I hope I can do the same someday. If anything, I can thank you for what you have done and are doing. God bless you.

        Like

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