Given everything going on in the media surrounding the outcome of the election, it seems that that word has kind of lost its value recently.
It’s kind of lost its meaning…like when a package of cheese puffs says the ingredients are 100% natural….suuuuure, buddy. Like, what does that even mean anymore?
But it still holds a lot of weight with me, and so, in the spirit of honestly, I have to come clean about something.
I learned something about myself tonight.
A fact that ties everything in my life together …
I am afraid of truly letting myself be all I can be.
I’m incapable of giving myself permission to fly.
That sounds super meta…so incredibly wow-this-girl-is-too-in-her-head, but I realize that my life has been a string of one season of self-sabotage after another.
Sometimes deliberately, sometimes subconsciously. I’ll take one step forward, and then *bam* two steps back.
I realized this tonight. I’ve been throwing around some ideas with my dad…ideas that honestly, would be the actualization of a dream of mine. We talked about it this afternoon. So what do I do tonight? I stay up late and eat a bunch of dried mangoes so I feel sick to my stomach and bad about myself so that I don’t feel up to going and pursuing it tomorrow. The thing that I’ve been working for, finally within reach, only to pocket veto myself by default.
Same with high school. Junior year, I’m on track to attend a prestigious drama conservatory/university after having just won a regional acting scholarship…my dreams are literally on the horizon…and I develop anorexia. The pressure gets too much so I pocket veto by default…I get too sick to proceed.
Same with boys. I could be dating. You know, really put myself out there to meet Mr. Right. I could go to the young adult singles group after Mass. I could go to any of the many christian singles events in this big booming metropolis. I could make myself emotionally available to certain gentlemen who have an interest. But I don’t. I keep my heart at arm’s distance. Never show my cards. Never become emotionally vulnerable with any guy. Chalk it up to “not being ready for a relationship“…
Same with my career. I could be ruthless in my pursuit of my acting career. I could be doing a lot of other things, other than nannying. But that would be allowing myself to flourish. So I’m complacent. Stuck in what’s comfortable.
Same with…literally everything in my life.
Which makes me think, and honestly answer some hardball questions: Could I be living in NYC because I know that living back in the Midwest around my family is what my heart truly desires? Am I not going to the fertility doctor because I know that having children one day would make me the ultimate of happy? Am I not doing these things because of fear? Because I am unwilling to allow myself the joy and satisfaction of a full life? Am I subconsciously self-sabotaging?
What is it that I’m afraid of?
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