Letting You In

Honesty.

Given everything going on in the media surrounding the outcome of the election, it seems that that word has kind of lost its value recently.

It’s kind of lost its meaning…like when a package of cheese puffs says the ingredients are 100% natural….suuuuure, buddy. Like, what does that even mean anymore?

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But it still holds a lot of weight with me, and so, in the spirit of honestly, I have to come clean about something.

I learned something about myself tonight.

A fact that ties everything in my life together …

I am afraid of truly letting myself be all I can be.

I’m incapable of giving myself permission to fly.

That sounds super meta…so incredibly wow-this-girl-is-too-in-her-head, but I realize that my life has been a string of one season of self-sabotage after another.

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Sometimes deliberately, sometimes subconsciously. I’ll take one step forward, and then *bam* two steps back.

I realized this tonight. I’ve been throwing around some ideas with my dad…ideas that honestly, would be the actualization of a dream of mine. We talked about it this afternoon. So what do I do tonight? I stay up late and eat a bunch of dried mangoes so I feel sick to my stomach and bad about myself so that I don’t feel up to going and pursuing it tomorrow. The thing that I’ve been working for, finally within reach, only to pocket veto myself by default.

Same with high school. Junior year, I’m on track to attend a prestigious drama conservatory/university after having just won a regional acting scholarship…my dreams are literally on the horizon…and I develop anorexia. The pressure gets too much so I pocket veto by default…I get too sick to proceed.

Same with boys. I could be dating. You know, really put myself out there to meet Mr. Right.  I could go to the young adult singles group after Mass. I could go to any of the many christian singles events in this big booming metropolis. I could make myself emotionally available to certain gentlemen who have an interest. But I don’t. I keep my heart at arm’s distance. Never show my cards. Never become emotionally vulnerable with any guy. Chalk it up to “not being ready for a relationship“…

Same with my career. I could be ruthless in my pursuit of my acting career. I could be doing a lot of other things, other than nannying. But that would be allowing myself to flourish. So I’m complacent. Stuck in what’s comfortable.

Same with…literally everything in my life.

Which makes me think, and honestly answer some hardball questions: Could I be living in NYC because I know that living back in the Midwest around my family is what my heart truly desires? Am I not going to the fertility doctor because I know that having children one day would make me the ultimate of happy? Am I not doing these things because of fear? Because I am unwilling to allow myself the joy and satisfaction of a full life? Am I subconsciously self-sabotaging?

What is it that I’m afraid of?

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352 thoughts on “Letting You In

  1. I have 2 cents to add 🙂 I read somewhere, one of the well known philosophers said or wrote it, but I can’t remember which, that one of our greatest fears is succeeding. I thought that so incredibly ironic, and unbelievable. But it was around the time that I did also realize the same thing about myself. We are strange creatures! 😉
    Best wishes to you and God bless!

  2. Oh girl, Jesus has that answer. That sounds so simple, but let me tell you. Until I fully surrendered my life to doing it all with God, I was stuck in many ways much like yourself. I am a work in progress, but I have only taken strides forward because of Jesus and that’s the truth. This realization you’ve had is not by random chance. It’s meant to make you start pursuing more. God has a great purpose that is completely fulfilling, waiting for you. But he needs you to surrender completely to him before he can take you there. There is a journey awaiting you that opens up many secrets that are in your heart. It’s in your surrender that you’ll finally rise up. I encourage you to go deeper with God, make him your #1 priority, and allow yourself to trust him, fall in love with him. “For your Maker is your husband…” Isaiah 54:5

    1. Thank you Cheryl, I so needed to hear that. It’s so true. He does have me in His hands. And that’s terrific advice-to make him my #1 priority. Because as much as I’d like to say He is, life can get busy, and I could be making more intentional time for Him. You are a blessing to me. Thanks again. Hugs and love xox

  3. Once again, another honest and heart-touching post! You end your post with a very good question that all of us could ask. You are well on your way to knowing the answer. You are in my prayers.

  4. So … yes!
    But I think it’s helpful to also remember that we have an enemy. Not to super-spiritualize – for sure some of the problem is us – but he really doesn’t want us to succeed, especially when we credit God for it. It proves God’s goodness: just what the enemy hates.

  5. I love your honesty, even when you don’t have the answers it is refreshing. We all self sabotage, we all have some fear of getting what we want because once we get it we are often afraid of still not being happy. “What if what I want still doesn’t make me happy?” Happiness often comes first, then you get what you truly want.

    This is totally unsolicited advice, and maybe you do this already, but a simple start is to look at yourself in the mirror every day, say one thing you like about yourself and then follow it up with “I love you.” Say this to yourself every single day and things will change for the better and help with the self sabotage.

    You are an honest soul, a talented writer and have many incredible qualities. Embrace them, let them flow from you and you will never have to force opportunity.

    I like your blog, I wish you the best and many (((positive vibes)))

    1. Thank you so much, Jim. That’s kind of you to say. Yeah, deffffinitely don’t have the answers here! haha That is great advice. Saying “I love you” to myself in the morning will surely get my vehicle pointed in the right direction at the start of the day 🙂 thanks again for your kindness. big hugs xox

  6. The wall is a real thing to achieving dreams. We all struggle with climbing the wall because the other side is unknown, threatening even. It is part of our flight or fight response to stay where we are comfortable and safe. The fact that you are asking yourself the hard questions is a step forward keep asking even if you don’t have the answers just yet. Happy seeking. Peace and love.

  7. I was just talking about this regarding myself, as much as I say I want to be published , I make up every excuse to not submit my work to publishers and magazines, etc. I never considered myself one of the self sabotage types, but once I admitted there are areas where I do this I felt better. Now I’m formulating a plan to overcome, even if it’s just submitting my work one place a month…it’s a start. Thanks for sharing and being so open with us.

  8. Here is why I self-sabotage:
    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson from A Return to Love

    Another book/resource is “Owning Your Own Shadow…” by Robert Johnson. He states that the hardest part of our shadow (what we hide from society) to reveal is “the gold.”

    Hope these help! Many of us are hiding our best aspects. I’ll send another link in a second to a Ted Talk I listened to today.

      1. She has a bit of a Scottish brogue. And I took from it some great pointers: being more and more of our own uniqueness is our message 🙂 some parts I didn’t agree with completely, but lots of great info

      1. Glad to help! I’ve been working on a post about this since 11/13. Perhaps this is time to get back in the saddle as you’ve inspired me!

      2. I’m posting a set of quotes by Carl Jung today. The piece about the fear of our greatness is still under construction. It’s become bigger than I expected… so I’ll let you know when it posts.

  9. Where I still work I help train people in motivational interviewing. So if I was training and you were the subject of the interview I would reflect what I “heard” you write. “You are asking others the question because you are afraid of the answer you would give.” MI is not meant to provide answers but to push you to explore what is keeping you from making the change. I could be wrong with my guess at why but at least it will help you look more closely. Or you can write this off as a comment that has no validity. Either way another good post. Made me think which is good. Keep writing and praying and the answer will come. Will you like it? Ah there is the issue. Thanks again for sharing. John

    1. Thank you so much John. Wow that is a powerful way to look at it. So fascinating. It’s true – am I afraid of the answer I would give? Definitely something to “unpack.” Thanks for sharing! Big hugs to you friend xox

  10. Hey, there!

    Your post reminded me of this one scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Indy’s trying to get through these three trials to get to the Holy Grail not only for himself, but because his dad’s life depends on it. He gets through the first two only to get stumped on the third one – a leap of faith. He doesn’t see any way across it until he gives in and takes that first step forward. Only to discover that the path was right in front of him all along.

    Maybe that’s what you need to do. Don’t fear success or failure. Just take that first step, that leap of faith, and trust that God will catch you in His loving arms.

  11. Oh, dear. You’ve tripped across one of the great secrets in life, especially for those of us recovering from some sort of addiction or mental illness type thing. I do it too, all of my friends in recovery do it, and every single one of my clients over the past decade whom I’ve counseled has this exact same thing to some degree or another. God bless you for picking up on it so quickly and, if I may be so bold, I found everthing worked better when I didn’t worry about my self-destructive past once I became aware of it, kept it in my prayers, and resolved to move past it.

    As for the dating thing, you’re on your own. Some days I think I entered religious life to give myself an excuse to stay away 🙂 As always, it’s a delight to read your discoveries and a joy to see you chronicle a wonderful success story! We have far too few of those these days!

    Rich

    1. Hi Rich! Thank you so much for the encouragement. You’re right. Definitely gotta acknowledge it and then move on. And of course, pray about it 🙂 thanks for the encouragement. Hugs and love xox

  12. As usual, love you posts. I think your struggle is a part of being human. I may not always purposefully sabotage, but I do struggle with thinking, “Because this is a desire of my heart, God probably doesn’t want it for me.” Goes back to the idea of God being up there watching my every move, only “wanting what’s best” when I think that means castor oil rather than honey. I’m learning that my own form of self-sabotage is not realizing that my amazing Creator, Father, and King loves me relentlessly and loves giving me good gifts, when I go to him for them.

    1. Thank you so much:) I appreciate your kind words. Yeah. I think you’re right. God loves to give His children the best. And you’re right-gotta go to him for them. Big hugs to you friend xox

  13. Ahhh, yes. I have a similar thing, fear of success, fear of happiness. When we’re vulnerable, we can also be hurt and disappointed. Then there is the fear of having made the wrong choice. I kid you not, 20 years into marriage, having the forth kid, I had a major anxiety attack, like wait, did I make right choice? What was I thinking? The thing about fear is that it can’t coexist with Faith. So we have to figure out how to trust ourselves and trust God, too. In the end we never quite get the lives we wanted, but we do get something pretty good, something we really needed.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. Wow, what a powerful note. I think you’re right. We’ve gotta trust that God is going to give us what is good. Thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

  14. I don’t know if I have anything terribly intelligent to offer you here. I fully understand what you are saying. I think many of us can ask that same question of our mirrors. I can tell you that I sabotaged several relationships, because I was so focused on wanting an acting career that I either consciously derailed them or was so stupid that I didn’t get it until waaay too late. While my marriage is truly great and I can’t imagine life without my wife, there’s one woman who occasionally pops out of my memory. She was beautiful, and I wanted her, but I didn’t think I had a snowball’s chance. I still can’t help sometimes wondering…

    Sounds kinda like you in reverse? But then I met Julie, we started a family, and the blinders finally came off. I was willing to let it all go to be the sort of parent neither of mine were. Whenever I’ve made decisions as a parent, it’s almost always been the opposite of them. I never had a dad like you I could take things to. I just had a dad I hated to be anywhere near. Maybe that’s why I get motivated to play dad with other people too. I dunno.

    Are we afraid to succeed or do we sabotage what we think we want, forcing ourselves into what we don’t even know we want? How’s that for torqueing your brain a bit?  Maybe that’s what happened with me until I finally proposed to Julie. And did it ugly, if you recall the story.

    Was my email additional fuel for this fire? If so, maybe your answer lies partly there. You learn there may be hope for a Christian in the big time, and your “oh, yay!” is less than energetic, delivered with a frown.

    Here’s the deal – and maybe this is God working overtime on you – I play second dad to you. I’m the one who is unfamiliar enough with you that I can be more objective. Your dad who raised you is the one who knows and loves you better than anyone could. Have him read this. Ask him what he thinks. He may tell you I’m nuts. He may be able to riff off something I say.

    I sure wish I could tell you what’s what, but then I think you seeing a pattern bodes well. Acknowledging you have a problem, as they say…

    1. Thanks for this Jeff. You always offer such powerful little nuggets to think about and mull over. Yeah definitely a lot to process. You are definitely good at “playing dad” and I hope you know how much I appreciate it 🙂 yeah, the love you and Julie have is so beautiful. I think God gave you an angel in her:) big hugs xox and ps I did send that email:) .

  15. I’ve following your blog for a while now and have often wanted to comment with an assurance of how loved you are, but this is the first time I felt I had something from Scripture to really put meat on those bones (ha). From The Message paraphrase of Phillipians 2:12 and 13 : “Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God. That energy is God’s energy, an energy deep within you, God himself willing and working at what will give him the most pleasure.”

    Your goodness and salvation is not a question or up for grabs. It is GOD who works His will, and you are qualified and able to yield to His love for you. He delights in you!

    It’s a joy and a privilege to read your blog and share in the honesty and support you are giving the world through this avenue. Your goodness is not a fragile vessel but is instead a mighty fire on a hill, welcoming us all to feel the love of God. Thank you for turning thought to God and His great love.

    1. Hi John, wow my heart is so incredibly warm after reading this. Thank you. Truly. This really hit home with me. What a powerful passage. It’s true – God is fulfilling his perfect plan in each of us in his perfect timing. I just need to trust. So glad you stopped by. Have a great night. Hugs and love xox

  16. On one hand, I can relate to relate to keeping guys at arms length because I don’t want to be open and real.

    On the other hand, I made God a promise that I would walk through any door that He opened, and life has been the most amazing adventure since. Because of that promise, I got my ideal summer job after my sophomore year. I went to Africa after my junior year. I just learned that I will be working my dream internship this summer. Don’t be afraid to let God use you for His eternal plan…because, really, eternity is what matters.

    1. Thank you so much Kat. Walk through any door He opens. I love that. I may have to adopt that motto. Thanks for sharing that. And wow! Africa! Sounds amazing. God is good! Hugs and love xox

  17. Hey U!! You’re still in a process, believe it or not, where you’re still figuring it all out. You’ve definitely taken great steps in the right (or at least better) direction. You have so much you have overcome. Now you are back to accomplishing. As you continue to do so, as well as continue to shine that wonderful light on all you touch, you will begin to ease back into making definite decisions about your directions. Trust In God. It will come and He will lead you to decisions. Biggest hugs you and love your picture!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo ps. Things are progressing. It just hasn’t happened yet.

    1. Hi Migueltio! Thank you so much for this beautiful response. You’re right-gotta trust God and His perfect plan for me. And for you too. He’s got us right where He wants us. Sending big hugs xox

      1. Biggest hugs. I’m back from the weekend. Mom died and the funeral was Saturday. I’m ok. I’m glad she only had one day where there was any suffering related to the cancer. It went fast. That’s all I could ask for is that it didn’t linger on her. I hope all is well with you xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

      2. Oh my gosh I am so sorry for your loss. Oh Migueltio, my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I’m glad she didn’t have to suffer. My goodness, sending all my love to you in this difficult time. ❤️

      3. Thanks so much! I’m dong fine. I’m keeping the joy of where she is, and that she’s not suffering in my <3 I'm keeping there that she can celebrate that "lost Christmas" of 1964 (or 5) with her Father, my Grandfather, when he died suddenly (unlike both she and my Grandmother) around 12/22 that year. I hope they can all be together among that company in Heaven. God Bless you everyday. You are beauty WAY beyond bones!! xoxoxoxo <3

  18. A friend of mine has the opinion that the only power we really have is the power to delay. I tend to agree except if we are to do something that has never been done before. Our insecurity leads us towards the known, but our soul is trying to get us to be unique.

    1. Hi Craig. Thank you for sharing this. What an interesting thought! There’s a lot of truth in that. There is safety in the known. But that’s not that we were made for. Thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

  19. One thing I’ve found to be both difficult and (for me) necessary is sorting genuine dreams that I honestly want to prioritize from the dreams that are not genuine enough for me to really devote myself to. In fact, sometimes what felt like self-sabotage at the time was actually a case of me not really wanting the thing I was sabotaging.

    It took me a while to sort one kind of dream from the other. But once I looked long and hard at my dreams, and decided which ones I was really working toward and which ones I never truly committed to . . . well, life got a lot less stressful. I stopped worrying about the ones I wasn’t committing myself to and focused on the ones I was.

  20. Hey there!

    You know, I really respect you for writing this because you are really setting out to do exactly what you say, which is letting people in. And I will be the first to admit that I–just as we all do–have plenty of insecurities and things I deliberate on, on the daily, because of a number of things. And it’s tough, I agree, because usually there is risk involved.

    What if I fail? What if I make a terrible mistake? What if I get hurt?

    But in all honesty, and I know this sounds crazy, but I really think we learn from those negative outcomes (or at least we should). It’s finding a beauty within all the repulsive stuff. That’s the hardest part, but if hindsight really is 20/20, then it’s also the most rewarding aspect of living.

    The biggest first step to stepping out onto the water is looking in the reflection, and seeing just who and what will be doing the walking for that step of faith. You’re doing that. Just as the above comments have suggested, you’re on the right path and making the right moves!

    Chin up, be patient, and keep your eyes on God, not on the waters below when you are ready to take that first step. You got this. 🙂

    1. Wow, this is such an awesome comment. Thank you so much. I’ve never thought of it like that, but it’s so true-looking at my reflection is the first step. Thanks for your encouragement. Hugs and love xox

  21. Perhaps you are afraid of failing, or of being rejected, but I don’t know really. One thing I do know is that you are discovering more of who you are. And you know what? that’s a good thing. That’s called light. 🙂

  22. Hey this inner dialogue you’re having is exactly what you need. You’re one step closer to finding the answer if you choose to pursue it. 🙂 I’m very proud of you for having the courage to be this honest with yourself and us. It takes a lot of guts just to face your flaws, alone, but to go out and make a blog post about is truly courageous. I believe you’ll find all the answers you seek if you stay true to yourself like you’re right now. <3 Best of luck!

    1. Oh gosh, thank you. I can’t begin to express how much I appreciate your encouraging words. Yeah facing ones flaws is probably the most sobering thing a person can do. So why not air it all out on the internet! Right?! 🙈😩oh my gosh I’m crazy lol thanks love xox

  23. thank you for sharing those thoughts and feelings. sometimes it seems the scariest thing is to move into new territory, which means we have to adopt new coping mechanisms. failing also means retreating to the comfort of older coping mechanisms. we must also ruthlessly pursue out deepest needs be it for family [my own case], fame, or comforts.

    no more shoulds….

  24. Wow, what a great post. Story of my life. My Dad used to say, “Coulda, woulda, shoulda…don’t be one of those.” So true…so very true. (I think I just found my next blog post, though). “Simply Begin” is how my blog has FINALLY got off the ground. I sat around, making excuses…for freakin’ months. So frustrating. I wanted it to be perfect, I wanted to know everything before I started, and of course, I didn’t want to make mistakes. All of these excuses are ridiculous, but welcome to my world. Fear can be a detractor, but it can also be a great motivator. If you’re ever feeling sorry for yourself again, unmotivated, etc…read your blog. I like it because it’s “you”. And, even an older guy like me, learns things from your writing. So, pat yourself on the back. Maybe, you need to write a book, Ms. Rory Gilmore. 😀

    1. Hi Robby, thank you so much for this wonderfully kind response. Rory Gilmore haha yes!! I love that show. i can’t wait to watch the reboot 🙂 seriously though, this is such great advice, and I can’t begin to express how much i appreciate your encouragement. big hugs and good luck on your blog!! 🙂

  25. Another beautiful post, and thank you for being honest. My first thought, after reading it, was that if you do end up pursuing what you really want, I hope you wildly succeed. But if you don’t – if you find that it isn’t everything you thought it would be, or that you couldn’t achieve what you were hoping to by chasing after your dreams – I hope that you still realize how precious, special, and meaningful your life is. That’s advice you didn’t ask for, so my apologies. But I pray you never feel that your life is worthless or that you are worthless because you “failed” at something you tried really hard at.

    1. Wow, thank you so much for this. My goodness, I am so touched by your kind words. it’s so easy to “keep score” in life, but its true, we are precious just because we are His. thanks for that reminder. big hugs xox

  26. I understand this post very well. But look where you are today! Look where the Lord has brought you to! One step, forward, backward, side ways at a time! God’s grace is the empowerment to help us move forward in spite of our fears and through them as well. Two prayers I have prayed has helped me here C. The Serenity Prayer and the Gethsemane prayer – Thy will not mine be done.

    Praying for ya! Jim

    1. Hi Jim, thank you so much for this. You’re right, I have so much to be grateful for. And I praise Jesus for the healing he’s done in my life. Yes those are really powerful prayers. Short and sweet as they say. Big hugs to you friend xox

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  28. Thanks for sharing. In spite of all my self improvement work, meditation and embracing the Dhamma, I find myself chicken img out on all of the above. I go to bed every night promising myself I’ll “do it” tomorrow but then I wake up in the morning… Powerless and without inspiration again!!

    This realisation, and acknowledging it though, is a major step. Thank you for calling yourself out and for sharing – you just called me out and made me see it as well so maybe we can inspire each other? I commit tonight that I WILL run tomorrow, even if it rains. Even if it is a short and slow run and I’ll feel “I suck”. I’ll do it!

    What little step are you going to take tomorrow?

    xox

    1. Aw thank you so much for this 🙂 YES! Let’s do it together! I’ll be cheering for you tomorrow morning for your run! Tomorrow I’m going to follow up on an email with my agent! Yes! Motivation buddies! Big hugs to you rebecka! Xox

      1. Oh I failed miserably so I’m compensating by a twice as long run today (still only 4 mi but it is 4 more than 0 mi…) AND I’m finishing Christmas cleaning and decorations today which I’ve put off since Sunday when I did 2 out of 3 floors. How did you do with following up on that e-mail m’dear…? xox

      2. Glad! Good job. I just did 4 mi and guess what? It felt good and I felt strong. Now energised to maybe finish this work item I have put off for weeks! Months to be honest… Fingers crossed for your email giving some positive results too! Have a great day!

  29. The enemy has a crafty way of getting in our heads Plant seeds of doubt and throw us off course for what God has planned for us . Proverbs 3 5:6 and Jeremiah 29 :11 really speak to me through this post. Blessings. ❤️

  30. Hey my good Friend. Reading your post is always a blessing, as you share your life and heart honestly.
    You have received gifts and talents from God, that are unique to you. Now that you have them, God is encouraging you to step in the arena that He has prepared for you, and that He has prepared you for.
    As you are willing to take that step, the Holy Spirit of God will help you, direct you, encourage and strengthen you all along the way, each step, each day.
    Scripture says in Ephesians 2:10
    10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

    So, you are God’s workmanship; Jesus Christ created you to do good works; and not just any good works, but good works that God prepared for you, my Friend, to walk in, complete, and accomplish.

    Happiness, and Joy will come completely when you are doing the will of God, fulfilling His plan in your life, and knowing you are doing it.

    God’s Blessings, and lots of Luv.
    George

  31. Oh no you didn’t! This is the only post where I’ve felt you held back. Every other one you took head on. Not happy you backed of this. Get back in that ring and finish the round! Sorry, but we both know you bailed on yourself with this one love. And I mean my comments with all faith and fidelity I hope you know.

      1. And God wasn’t in there either…just saying. I’m intuitive by nature. You are off kilter. I’m thinking of you

    1. Hi Pi, I’m sorry that you can personally relate. God’s got a plan for us. We’ve got to trust it. I think want so much to be in control, but I’ve got to remember Who truly is in control. And He’s got our best interest at heart. thanks for stopping by! hugs xox

  32. I can honestly say I relate to this! I have yet to understand all my subconscious self-sabotage tactics, but then I think maybe I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, doing exactly what I’m meant to be doing…Instead of beating myself up with the need to be something more. Thanks for always bravely sharing your truth, and shining your light. You’re a true inspiration!

    1. thank you so much Gildas, that’s such a great way to look at things. So true…I do trust that I’m where I’m supposed to be. Gotta just keep the faith! thanks for stopping by! hugs xox

  33. Yeah, pretty much like me. I know what I want but hold myself back for a lot of reasons. Reasons that I made up to rationalize my cowardice. I believe I am highly influenced of living within the domain of my family (I mean every neighbor we had are blood relatives) and considering the fact that they look up to me as “the good daughter” and I can’t be as exactly who I want to be. My brother for instance, He tries to be himself and sometimes don’t make small talks to my aunts (as in he just passes through and ignore them, although it’s quite understandable since they’re pretty far for instance). Then later on our mom’s gonna tell us that my aunts are offended because my brother simply ignored them. Mom hates it too, when she feels that her children are being watched, like every move we do, they judge us. It’s really annoying to the point that YOU YOURSELF JUDGES YOUR OWN JUST TO AVOID THEIR STARES. I feel you buddy~~!

    1. Hi friend, I’m sorry that you can personally relate. You’re right, feeling judged is never a good feeling. Hang in there. The thing about family, is that at the end of the day, they’re…family 🙂 And nothing is ever unrepairable. 🙂 Big hugs to you xox

  34. Dear Caralyn,
    Thanks for sharing this, but this one is hard to comment on, other than:
    You are always in the hands of God, and you are in my prayers, and you never know what’s behind the next corner…

    1. Hey Lennart, thank you for this. Yeah, God’s hands are the best place to be. I just have to trust in His plan and his timing, which is easier said than done! Thanks for stopping by! Hugs and love xox

  35. Have you ever heard of Superchick? It’s “teen” music, but I grew up listening to them. I learned with them and grew with them, and they gave me a lot of courage. This post made me think of one of my favorite songs; it’s one that I listen to when I am letting fear take over.

    Some of the lyrics are “This is the time to try, step out your life is waiting…and as you fall, you will find that you can fly.” (Song is “This Is The Time” I strongly recommend you check it out on youtube.) Of course, you have to listen to God first. But when He speaks, the easiest thing to do is freeze. “God, is that really you?” “Am I being selfish? Is this just my desire talking? Am I being tempted by Satan?”

    That’s why we pray, why we have the word of God with us, and why we develop a relationship with Him. However, sometimes it’s time to act. Time to say “Ok God, here I go.”

    Keep on walking, my friend. 🙂
    In His Love,
    Yael Eliyahu

    1. Thank you so much Yael, I haven’t heard of that group but I’ll definitely have to check them out! What great lyrics. I love music that makes you feel good:) glad you stopped by! Hugs and love xox

  36. Oh dear. You’ve hit the nail on the head but that’s MY nail.

    Gosh Caralyn… I’m only sitting here basically jobless on $3000 worth of unused schooling not to mention the other skills/talents that come naturally I’ve worked to develop and then pass off as hobbies–like I spent all weekend making pies and lasagnas from scratch for a fundraiser tonight–and the pies went for $15 a piece (and they were the first thing to go off that bakesale table I’m telling you) and I’m going, why am I not doing something like this regularly for my own income? Or why am I not drawing regularly? I could be in art school–or culinary art school for that matter. Or I could be actually doing something with my computer tech side or… plaaaggghhg..

    But all that to the side…I’m pretty sure I know where you’re coming from. And I’m not saying I know what you should do, but earlier this year I moved away from a great mediocre-paying job and workplace that I really enjoyed to move back closer to both my family and inlaws because Father put that heavy on our hearts, and it’s been the most rewarding thing I’ve done this year (and considering I built gorgeous kitchen and bathroom cabinets/counters this year for our new little house that I’m very proud of, that’s saying something – haha)

    But it’s also been a challenging step for exactly what you’re talking about because here, I can’t just go out and job-shop – there ARE no jobs for me here, or not very many, and certainly none that fit with my passions. And so being here has forced me to take a look again at WHAT I’m doing with my life…and….not…decapitate…my dreams… because, pie.

    You know, I retested myself the other day for my myers-briggs personality type (I’m INFJ-T, the advocate), and something I found interesting (and SO TRUE) about my personality type is that job and career wise it’s difficult for us to pick because there are so many things we could do, but we’re also perfectionistic idealists which can mean it’s very difficult to fully commit to something that doesn’t promise to be something we can do to our standards. Just thinking about self-sabotaging made me think of that because in some ways for me I think it’s a really similar thing, maybe even exactly that thing that I just. Am afraid it won’t be perfect or I won’t be able to make it a perfect, idealistic thing like I want it to be… oh boy. I may be learning more about myself than I want to..haha

    But it’s so awesome that you’re recognizing this, and calling it out (yeah I may not be totally ready to own up to my own :P) because you can start to change the way you gravitate to doing things and..maybe live more of your passions more freely.

    And that’s the end of my nickel’s worth (since, you know, we have to pay three pennies to get two of your cents’ worth up here in Canada anyway 😉 )

    1. Thanks for this Carson. Gosh, I could really relate to what you were saying. I’m sorry that there are no jobs that fit your passions there. I am so encouraged that you moved to be near family. I am feeling that pull on my heart more and more because I truly believe that those relationships are the most important. But you’re right, part of me feels like that would be decapitating my dream. At the end of the day, I know God is in control. I just wish he would give me a flashing sign or something. Haha keep baking. Who knows, there may be a foodnetwork show in your future. I can see it now: culinary creations with Carson 🙂 Hugs and love xox

      1. I hope my comment made it very clear that I can relate very well to you, too – I think we’re a lot alike in respect to this self-sabotage thing and maybe we can learn from and challenge each other (:
        What it comes down to is, “Is this where God wants me to be?” And I can answer that with a resounding “Yes”. And frankly, I’m happy – not that I don’t have a job and a larger income, but I’m happy (even if a little scared) that I have the time and freedom now to explore what I’m actually passionate about and how I can use that to be sufficient.
        And the other thing it comes down to is, career is secondary, and you can take your dreams with you wherever you go. At the end of the day, Father provides, and he is faithful to ALWAYS provide. So even though I left a good job, I’ve got no regrets, because I was at a dead-end, and I was walking dead.

        Haha, culinary creations with Carson…I don’t think so, that’s not my flavor of jelly 😉 I do love baking though and everybody loves my food so I’ve definitely been reflecting on how I can use that, particularly as money gets a little tighter when santa’s in the room.

        Haha, anyway, take care and happy Tuesday!

  37. I don’t know too much about you Caralyn, but I’m wondering if (and don’t take this the wrong way) you have perfectionist tendencies (especially being a performer) that are occupying you to the point that you don’t want to put yourself out there because you’re afraid of failure? I have a lot of classmates in NYC. Some have made it big, others have not. You know how it is.
    I kind of know the feeling…I grew up onstage and was definitely a perfectionist. But when I graduated high school and made the decision to go to pharmacy school instead (but as a dance minor), I still immediately auditioned for the fall dance show…and got into 3 out of 4 numbers as a freshman. I was actually the most skilled dancer at the university. We began really long, intense rehearsals, and I suddenly realized that I wanted to focus on my major. So I sort of “sabotaged” myself out of the show by exacerbating an old knee injury. It was because I was scared of failing at the main reason I was in college: to become a pharmacist.
    I’ll be praying for you that God speaks His Will over you.❤️

    1. Thank you so much for this reflection. Yeah, I can definitely relate to your story. Perfectionism has been something I’ve absolutely battled my whole life. And it is something that I honestly have to keep “in check” every single day. I appreciate the prayers. God will use me where He has planned. I trust that. i just need patience and faith in His timing. hugs to you xox

  38. Dear Princess Caralyn, a princess you’ll always be to me, such a gentle princess who has decide to take off her mask and share all her all with us one post at a time: The Good, the Bad, the Scary… What keeps amazing me is the synchronicity and I write this not to bluff you… I am very honest since making that decision in 2011
    Yesterday, my kid sister out there in your country, my best friend, was asking me about a ‘date cum prospective suitor’ I had ‘glammed’ her about in October… Guess what I told her? Ofcourse I wasn’t sure anymore and didn’t feel ready or patient or etc etc… She told me to my ears… I am AFRAID… I tried to reason with her and beat about until I admitted as much… But I console myself I have come from far, have done much more in life, and can afford to still hold on to somethings and not let it all go so fast and feel super vulnerable and risk getting hurt again – maybe hurting myself is better to me than being hurt by others especially a man? I sincerely think admitting the problem is one big problem solved… the treatment falls in place in due time, just like going to a doctor for a consultation and diagnosis lifts a lot for many… I wish my comment is no so offhand or etc… I just feel so much in here I am near …

    1. Hi Marie!! aw, you are so sweet and I am just so grateful for you. Yes! Similar paths indeed. You’re so right, looking the problem in the face is the first step. and a difficult one at that, because you actually have to swallow a dose of reality. But you’re right, God has got this, and is going to use me, and you, and your sister to do His will. 🙂 i have faith in that 🙂 hugs to you my friend. thanks for being so wonderful! hugs xox

  39. Hello. This happens to me too, that I would take a step forward, and then two steps back for some reason. I think it also happened in the Bible, when, after a great victory from Elijah when he stood up to the prophets of Baal and God answered by fire from heaven, he runs away in the next chapter. I feel, many times, it could be the enemy stopping us, trying to stop us from reaching our full potential with God. I also feel, sometimes, that it can be God intervening, teaching us a lesson that we are on the wrong path. I think I’ve experienced both of these. Thank you for writing!

    1. Hi Steven, thank you so much for this thoughtful response. You’re so right, these moments of pain or fear are actually access points for His grace and His healing. Gotta just trust the Father. Hugs to you xox

  40. Of course, I don’t know you well enough to think that this specifically applies to you but my own thoughts about self-sabotage is that sometimes we feel more comfortable where we are. This is because trying to reach for a higher rung entails the possibility of failure and it is safer not to expose ourselves to disappointment. While it can be a way of thinking that is really seductive, it is really a lie. Someone once told me that a boat is safest in a harbour tied to a dock but that is not what a boat is meant for……..it is meant to sail the oceans. Similarly, a bird might be safest in a birdcage but that is not what a bird is meant to do, it is meant to soar! I hope you will soar and find that God will take care of you no matter what.

  41. Is it fear, or do you feel guilty for being happy or do you think your action might cause a dear ones some pain? Like I read somewhere else recently, the first solution to a problem is identifying the problem. You’ve passed that stage. Go girl! IF there’s anyone who can help you be you, that’s you. In 32 years, I’ve found out (mostly the hard way) that what I didn’t do for fear of worrying someone dear to me or to conform to expectations, made them momentarily happy, and made me eternally regretful. Rather quickly, they forgot about it, while it left a deep impact on me. And that’s when I realised, it works both ways. If I do what I want to do, it affects another person only for a rather short time, after which they get on with their lives. And it makes you content and happy for a very long time!

    1. Hi Scorpria, thank you so much for this powerful food for thought. Gotta look a problem straight in the face. I really appreciate you sharing the lessons you’ve learned with me. It always helps to know I’ve got someone in my corner 🙂 big hugs to yu friend. so glad you stopped by xox

  42. I found a useful quote from Rebecca Liversmore: “Each day as you go about your business, acknowledge that you can’t do it, but God can. Put your dependence completely on God for his strength, wisdom and goodness – not your own. Throw yourself into the arms of Jesus and ask him to carry you as you do the work he has called you to do. As you begin to see success, don’t forget that it is God who strengthens you, provides the ability for you to do the work, gives you favor, and opens doors. It isn’t about you, but about the God who deserves all the honor and glory. He is the One who should be acknowledged in the midst of ‘your’ success”

  43. Hey I feel and have done similar things throughout my life but once I realised this; and that for some reason I feel like I am not worthy to have success, I began (very slowly) to start taking opportunities that came my way even if I wasnt sure they were right for me – just to put myself out there and to let God know that I am listening and grateful of these opportunities and that I am ready to accept something good coming my way and won’t run and hide (i still have my days tho).
    So my question for you is: now that you have realised this, what will you do about it? 😉 Thanks for your honest posts, I really appreciate and learn from them. ✌🏻️

    1. Thank you so much for this encouragement. You’re so right, God has a good, and perfectly-timed plan for each of us. It is just my job to be ready for Him to reveal it, and not try to fight it or fight for the wheel. Such great food for thought. thanks for stopping by Hugs xox

  44. Thanks for sharing. Shame often is riding shotgun in our brain when we want to move out of our comfort zone. Shame says, “You’re not ________ enough to do that.” If we push forward, shame says, “Who do you think you are?” If we try and fail, shame says, “I told you, you couldn’t do it! You’ll always be a loser.”
    Shame sucks but it is disempowered by speaking it out to empathetic listeners.

    1. Hi Brad, thank you for this. You’re right, Shame has a pretty boisterous voice. Gotta silence it and remember the truth as we bust through that comfort zone barrier. Thanks for stopping by! hugs xox

      1. You’re welcome. Here are two somewhat related thoughts:
        “Sin is the despairing refusal to find your deepest identity in your relationship and service to God.”

        “How does Satan accuse us? By causing us to look at our sin rather than our Savior.”

  45. Awesome post…deep writing! It is very interesting when you look back into your own story and see the same patterns…we all have them. But, from experience, I know that the One you`ve chosen to follow has some very clear answers about that, as well as well-directed ideas. He did indeed come to heal the brokenhearted and I have seen that in my life, time after time. The result is breathtaking – I now look back and see how some patterns which have been with me for decades are no longer part of my life. Not only ‘big things’ like addictions or fears, but also subtler things like self-sabotage, character traits etc. Not long ago I plunged into the work of John Eldredge and read a book called ‘Sacred Romance’ (highly recommended if you haven`t read it) which gave me a lot of insight into my own story and the Larger story which God is telling.
    Well done for being brave and honest with yourself and those around you – keep diging deeper and look out for the One who digs along with you – he will indeed give you the ‘treasures hidden in darkness’!

    1. Thank you so much for this 🙂 I so appreciate your kind words and encouragement. So true – God is telling a larger story, and I have to just trust in His timing and be patient. Will definitely check out that book! I loved Captivating, which I believe he wrote with his wife 🙂 Big hugs ox

  46. Good questions, which only you can answer in the end. I am quite a bit older than you, and I have been asking myself a similar question. For me, the question is: “You say you want to know God more intimately. However, are you willing to do the hard work necessary? Or, are you going to just coast along?” I think that self-examination is the mark of an individual’s growth.

  47. I think for me, it’s an actual fear if rejection wrapped up in sabotage. It’s the theory of the cat in the box. You don’t know if it’s alive or dead until you open the box, so as long as the box is closed it can be both alive and dead at the same time.
    So the dream, the guy, the life can all be within reach just as long as you don’t actually go for it. The ideal is bigger than the reality.
    What if you go back to the Midwest and find out you were actually happier in nyc? What if you go to the singles events and don’t connect with anyone? What if you become emotionally available to someone and it doesnt work out?
    I get this way all the time. When I was working outside of the home, I kept this idealistic view of being a housewife. When I finally made the leap and left my job, it wasn’t a bad choice, but it didn’t live up to the ideal in my head. The only thing that I have found that helps me is to try to look at both sides of the question and figure that the reality is somewhere between the two extremes and decide whether the good extreme is worth going after even if the bad extreme happens.

    1. Hi Katy, wow, than you so much for this powerful perspective. I’ve never heard the cat/box thing, but WOW — that reaallllly spoke to me. You’re right, it’s within reach if i don’t actually go for it. Yowza. bingo. Thank you so much for your encouragement. Such great advice. hugs to you xox

  48. I don’t know if it feels this way on your way BBB, but sometimes you write something I was literally just feeling and planning to write about, hehe!

    It’s hard stepping out of the familiar and into the unknown, and yet there’s a pressure there to do so, isn’t there? I can’t say what you’re afraid of, though I guess I’m afraid of being hurt, miserable (which would hurt, and/or failing (which would also hurt).

    I have a feeling, though, that my doctor/counselor would tell us to be patient, and just wait for the right opportunities to come our way. I think America is culturally all about chasing dreams and independence, making this hard to do. Idk though; just sounds like what he would say. God likes to surprise me, though, I can say that much, and it’s usually when I’m prepared, but not actively looking, if that makes sense.

    Idk, I hope this offers some comfort for you, at least, knowing you’re not alone feeling that way. Thanks for being so honest <3

    1. Aw, thank you so much for this sweet note, Ana. You’re so right – we’ve got to be patient. I’m glad this resonated with you. You’re right, it’s nice to know I’m not alone 🙂 God has good plans for us, my friend. We’ve just got to trust His timing 🙂 big big hugs to you Ana! xox

  49. Hello Caralyn, I understand exactly what you are talking about.You are not alone, I have heard of other people’s stories where they have sabotaged themselves. This is the enemy’s tactic to keep you away from being the person God created you for. You are been harassed by the enemy. The enemy does not want you to prosper. He will feed you lies to prevent you from growing and being the person you want to become. But don’t worry, you can ask Jesus to clear all that. ISAIAH 54:17 No weapon formed against you shall prosper says the Lord. This is what you pray……………. ” In the name of Jesus Christ, I command the spirit of fear, doubt, anxiety, panic procrastination, failure, and lack of commitment to leave and not to return.” Then ask the Holy Spirit to infill you afresh with His gifts of wisdom, knowledge, understanding, peace and joy. Say this everyday and praise the Lord. God bless you <3

    1. Thank you so much for this, my friend. Oh, yes, I actually know that prayer quite well. The Holy Spirit is a great protector. Because I do believe that we are under attack, especially when we earnestly seek God’s will. But God is greater than any adversary. hallelujah 🙂 thanks for stopping by and for your encouragement! big hugs xo

  50. Ah, fear not! You are not alone. When I found my own self-sabotaging, I go back to the life of Paul, from Romans 7:14-20 “We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”
    I pray something in God’s Word allows you to embrace who He created you to be!!!!

    1. Thank you so much for this, Debbie. I appreciate your prayers, and that you would share this verse with me. So powerful. I’ve got to keep that in mind – to keep my mind focused on the Good — on Him — on what is lovely, pure, admirable, praiseworthy 🙂 sending big hugs to you xo

      1. Amen! You have really touched a lot of us “followers” so may our Lord give you the Wisdom to grow as He leads you! So much wisdom here….

  51. Thanks for the write. I recently read 2 suggestions for the spiritual life in a book called Gratefulness that really spoke to me, and I hope it speaks to you too:

    “1. Waking up is a continuing process. No one wakes up once and for all. There is no limit to wakefulness, just as there is a no limit to aliveness.
    2. It is risky to be awake to life. It takes courage.”–Br. David Steindl-Rast

    1. Hi Jedi Dad, wow, thank you so much for sharing these quotes! They’re so powerful. Especially the first one. It really makes me think — we are never finished. Always a work in progress. And the is such a motivating thought. so glad you stopped by. hugs xox

  52. I very much admire your honesty. Many people are honest in their day to day lives. However, self-honesty is very rare. Most times it needs a motivator. Sadly, pain is the greatest of all motivators. I am convinced God designed it that way. We lie to ourselves and listen to lies about us for so long that we start to believe them. We then become what the lie said we were. By the grace of God we all are given at least one brief moment of clarity where we see things as they really are. If we still have the capacity to be honest ( you obviously do ) and seize the moment with a fearless, thorough and moral inventory of ourselves the chains that bind us can be broken. I sound like a recovered(ing) alcoholic. Hint Hint. I will pray a special prayer for you that was prayed for me and I latter prayed for myself. Remember, fight like you are the 3rd monkey try’n to get on Noah’s boat. PEACE !!

    1. Hi Marshal, frist of all, congrats on your recovery. That is so awesome and will definitely keep you in my prayers. Secondly, I absolutely busted out laughing about the 3rd monkey! how have I never heard that one before! so good 🙂 But seriously, thank you for such powerful insight. it’s true. i think pain is an access point for His grace. A necessary “evil” if you will. It allows us to cling to Him. Thanks for stopping by 🙂 hugs xox

  53. I can’t begin to count the number of times that the Lord has led me to do things that seemed “counter intuitive” to my logic (or excuses! Pr.3:5-6). I don’t believe that God is capricious or has a penchant for randomness but I do believe He sometimes presses us to move beyond what we can understand. I have come to learn, over the years, that the trust I demonstrate and my willingness to follow His path becomes the means that He uses to teach me His character and grow my trust in Him. I.E. How can I know He is Jehovah Jireh unless my ability to produce is tested?
    I used to be terrified of failure, so if I could choose a “predictable” or safe path, I would never risk failing (and being “a failure” in my own eyes). The Lord has led me to do things I never could have dreamed of. He has stretched my faith to the breaking point BUT has ALWAYS shown that He loves me and that He will ALWAYS be there. Don’t be afraid to “test the waters” of where He may be leading you. He is able to protect you from disastrous decisions and outcomes as long as you heart is sincere to pursue Him. Sorry for sounding preachy….just want to be an encouragement! (Hebrews 11:1,6)
    Mega-peace!
    Tom

    1. Hi Tom, wow thank you so much for this. SO. much. truth. You’re right, these areas where we feel fear are actually the access points for His grace. Hebrews 11:1 — that verse is very special to me, as it was the verse I clung to during the healing process of my ulcerative colitis as well as my anorexia. It got me through some dark days. thanks for reminding me of His goodness. hugs to you friend xox

  54. I always manage to come to the party late in terms of there being well over a hundred people who have commented already.

    Actually, everything your wrote means that you’ve been hurt before and don’t want to take the risk again. The fact that you’re asking the question “What am I afraid of” means you are approaching being ready to risk again. After all, what’s the fun in being in a cocoon all the time?

    That said, besides God, the ultimate decider of what you do with your life is you (and the last time I looked, God hasn’t cancelled free will). Maybe you just need a little more time in that cocoon before you’re ready to emerge, spread your wings, and fly.

    1. Hi James 🙂 So true, God has the play book for sure. I just have to trust that and trust His timing. The impatience i feel is probably also part of the growing and “un-cocooning” process:) thanks for this great food for thought. hugs xox

  55. Looks like you’ve reached some boundaries of your faith.

    Some time ago, I wrote about reaching the edge of your faith as well, here (https://ldslamplighter.wordpress.com/2014/10/26/the-edge-of-your-faith/).

    Like a seed, you are reaching the edge of an old phase, and beginning to enter a new phase of growth. You’re outgrowing what you know now …and you’re reaching a point where you’re ready to grow into a place where you’ve never been. It’s normal for anyone to feel “out of sorts”….like you’re little…in the face of all this uncertainty. This is where knowing how you’re anchored will help you face the Goliath of uncertainty: don’t just face it with your strength alone…but face it WITH the Lord as your “Pard’ner”. (Pun intended)

    You already know that in your mind…it’s just convincing your heart to walk out onto the stormy waters of the unknown…kinda like Peter, one of His apostles. What was Peter’s request to the Lord when he saw Him walking on the impossible? “Lord, if that’s you, bid me come to you.” And when the Lord said, “Come,” Peter’s next step was…out of the boat…past the edge of his faith…past the edge of “security”…onto uncertainty, but knowing that because the Lord instructed him to do so, something had to come out of this….even walking on the impossible.

    Reminds me of another post I made some time ago (https://ldslamplighter.wordpress.com/2014/03/21/faith-amidst-the-storm/).

    It’s wonderful to see you grow, Caralyn, in wisdom…and stature…in favor with God…and among men…and in your faith. From a “seed” of great potential, it’s neat to see how you’ll blossom!

    1. Wow, this is such a beautiful response. thank you so much. I really love that – Lord, if that’s you, bid me come to you. Such a simple phrase but such a powerful implication. I think you’re right, growth is uncomfortable, but in the end, necessary to truly bloom 🙂 thanks again my friend. grateful for you xox

  56. As I read your post I couldn’t help but be moved to need to comment. I am a Christian, a father, husband, special education teacher and coach. I think if we are all honest with ourselves we have been in your position at sometime or another. Here is what I want to pass on to you. Here is what God has shown me over the last year. I finally saw Jesus face to face last November and put him in the center of my life and since that time He has shown me that I have nothing to fear. Fear is one of the biggest weapons the enemy has, if he can get you scared of failing, scared of starting, scared of finishing, scared of commitment he wins. If you are scared, pray about it, truly surrender it to God. He is standing waiting on you to give it him. He is cheering for you and so excited for you to give him the fear so you can live life more abundantly, not abundantly in a world view (money, prestige, power) but in a Godly way, freedom, a life of no fear because he who made the world is living inside of you and me as believers.

    I pray you are able to let go of this fear by submitting it to Jesus. He and only He is able to take that fear from you and allow you to blossom into the beautiful flower he created you to become. Keep praying expectantly for his answers and surrendering and drawing close to God as he will then draw close to you and give you exactly what you need when you need it. God bless.

    1. oh my gosh this is such a thoughtful and powerful reflection. thank you, so incredibly much. You’re right – God IS waiting for us to just hand over all of those fears and insecurities. Because when we do, He will use them for His glory and for His will. But we have to be willing to let go of them first. And I also am right there with ya — the enemy is real and will use those fears to try and roadblock God’s plans. but God is greater. Hallelujah. Thanks for this beautiful encouragement. It is such a positive and powerful way to start today. big hugs to you friend xox

  57. “Self-sabotage.” What a power-laden phrase. The first time I heard it was in high school. It resonated even then as I built a box I never sealed tight enough to keep it out of mind.

    On my journey, one of the hardest aspects has been learning to show compassion for myself. While I’ve always been extraordinarily forgiving to others, perhaps to a fault, I was unduly hard on myself.

    I’ve finally been able to forgive myself for decisions I made decades ago, that may have been self-sabotage. Or gambles that didn’t pay off. In either event, the act of self-forgiveness has enabled me to be more authentic. I no longer feel shame and try to hide part of who I am.

    Thanks so much for sharing your journey. It so comforting to hear about your path.

    Jon

    1. Hi Jon, thank you so much for this reflection. I’m so glad that you’ve embraced self-forgiveness. You’re right, it is one of the most powerful things we can do. That’s so awesome 🙂 thanks for your encouragement! big hugs ox

  58. BBB, I am currently teaching in Sunday school a book I think you might like to read. It is titled “Fear is Never Your Friend”. You can get it at christianbook.com and I am going to paste the link here if you would like to look at it.

    https://www.christianbook.com/fear-is-never-our-friend/gary-richardson/9781563221071/pd/3221071?product_redirect=1&Ntt=3221071&item_code=&Ntk=keywords&event=ESRCP

    The author brings out many good points and helps you see past some things. I have been through many things personally and have been close to death on multiple occasions that I would not like to relive, but as a result I have no fear of death as I know I am in the hands of the Savior. God is so awesome and has made a path to redemption. When I look at the heavens I see God, and when I see the tiniest leaf I see God. 2 Timothy 1:7 tells us, “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” Some versions say a “spirit of fear”. So, if God did not give us a spirit of fear who does? The enemy because he wants to ruin our witness and make us not answer God’s call. God says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

    You are in God’s care and I pray you never lose sight of that. Your writing inspires me to a greater and deeper walk with Christ. Thank you.

    1. Hi there Eric, thank you so much. I’ll definitely have to check that book out! I’m sorry that you had to go through that, but wow what a powerful insight t has given you. I for one am grateful for you sharing that wisdom with me. Hugs and love xox

  59. I experience these occurrences too, sometimes I’m at the verge of actualizing a dream and suddenly, there’s fear all over me. I feel it might be too big for my Sac of grace then I look for the slightest discouragement to back off but not too long I realized With Faith and Christ’s Mercy, I can achieve anything.

  60. Awareness is in the forefront of your mind. That is always a great starting point. Most of humanity has no awareness, no mindfulness, no connection to the how and why of what their mind and body is or needs. It seems like you are about to take 2 steps forward and no steps back.

    1. Hi Bethany, oh my gosh, thank you for this beautiful note. I am so encouraged. Yeah, I have hope that 2017 is going to be a step in the right direction. Who knows…maybe I’ll meet Mr. Right! Haha jk jk but seriously thank you for your kind words. Hope your week is off to a great start! Hugs and love xox

      1. You are welcome!!!!! Somewhere on my blog is a post how god brought me my husband aka mr right. I needed to be beat over the head with a stick to finally see him!! I think when we can truly see ourselves then mr right will appear.

  61. “What am I afraid of?”

    In pidgin english, I’m saying, “You talk ma heart that. I never know say e dey there saf.” To wit, you’ve spoken an issue on my heart I never knew was there at all or maybe it was just that I didn’t want to admit it. The past four months have quite challenged me to take at least step and whew, it’s been exhilarating! There are more steps ahead tho and I know we will finish the journey! Poco a poco.

  62. You are not alone in this Carolyn. We’ve all been there dealing with feelings of fear. In fact I have witten on this same theme in my own life. As recently as this year, Finding the Courage When You Fear the Beginning >
    https://markschutter.com/2016/09/19/finding-the-courage-when-you-fear-the-beginning/ and previously in a post back in 2014 titled, The Fear of Being Fearful.

    It is a hard truth to sometimes admit to the world and especially to ourselves. Strength and courage are so highly valued by society. But real courage is feeling and acknowledging the fear and moving forward despite it.

    I repeat you are not alone and all we can do is show love, compassion and support for one another even if it is only across the electronic waves of the internet. Keep moving forward, you are worth it and He has great plans for you! God bless!

    1. Wow Mark thank you so much for this. Your support is so appreciated. I think you’re right, Being honest about our struggles and fears is definitely nerve racking. I am grateful for people like you who accept me with open arms and offer encouragement. Hugs and love xox

  63. I wouldn’t merely say out of fear rather you feel comfortable right now where you are. You ever heard when they say step out of your comfort zone. I found out to be very true. Don’t feel so discourage maybe God has a different plan for you. Do not be afraid, you being a single is a blessing because nothing is holding you back what ever you want to do, just do it. And by the way has anyone mentioned to you your a great writer?

  64. I think we all fear the same things- stepping outside our “room”. Being aware of it is the crucial first step, and you are taking that bravely! I think part of it is being open to what comes- and in fact what faith does is help us recollect that we don’t have to, and shouldn’t, do it all by ourselves. Including thinking about what we “might” do, or want, the successes we imagine or fear…all of it. I think you’re doing just fine, really. Because you’re EXPLORING and CURIOUS. And that is how things Happen. Not to worry, as the Dalai Lama says. Pain IS inevitable, but so is the good sweetness of life. Nobody knows it all or has it figured out, anyway. It’s an experience of exploration. Dried mangoes included.

    1. Hi friend, thank you so much for this encouragement. You’re right, I think awareness is definitely the first — and most sobering — step. haha, good, I’m glad dried mangoes are included. they’re my favorite 🙂 hehe hugs xox

  65. I love your honesty, Beauty, and the number of comments here indicate many others do, too. More importantly, God appreciates your honesty (Proverbs 12:22b). I pray you’ll sense his leading for the next step very soon!

  66. We live in something of a fear based culture, don’t we?

    I’ve often commented here and there that we’re being sold a whole bunch of fear because that causes us to buy things that aren’t entirely necessary but make us feel safer. Our response to threat, real or perceived is a strong one. Likewise the whole FOMO thing is terribly pervasive, too. “Better get it now or you’ll miss out!”, is a too common refrain.

    My cynical view aside, it has real world consequences when our fears keep us from moving forward, much like you’ve written here. It’s one thing to blow $20 on something that protects us from some unlikely circumstance but it’s something else entirely when we end up derailing our plans because of fear.

    The easy answer is faith, of course. And while that is the correct answer and a true one, it isn’t always so simple, is it? I’m preaching on Daniel in the lion’s den this Sunday and it all makes me think of the times each of us have felt like we had our head in the lion’s mouth. For me it was being at risk and eventually tested for Huntinton’s Disease. (Full details here https://lancerferguson.wordpress.com/2014/12/23/dancing-with-the-devil-in-the-pale-moon-light/) Turns out the test was negative but there was a long period of time where I felt like I had my head in the lion’s mouth. And during that time my faith was a real roller coaster.

    Still and all, God is faithful and ever present, our roller coaster notwithstanding. Good thing for us, no?

    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response. You’re right, I feel like so much of the world is in the fear-aleiviating industry. But you’re right, faith is the answer – and not so simple either. I’m so glad to hear that your test results came back negative. praise God. hugs to you friend xo

  67. Fear is a rejection of life.

    God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).

    With regards to any doubts you might have of acting, Charlie Chaplin said that “actors search for rejection.”

    And, he said, “If they don’t get it they reject themselves.”

    I know that my struggle with bulimia and panic disorder was born out of fear and rejection of the life I was meant to live. We are our own worst critic.

    Afraid to fail … even more afraid to succeed.

    1. Thank you for this reflection. What an interesting quote from Charlie Chaplin. Really some great food for thought. I’m sorry that you have those struggles in your life. Know that I’m in your corner:) big hugs to you xox

  68. Living. Making mistakes. Being vulnerable. Being wrong. Failure and success. Try not to tell yourself “stories”. Try living each moment…right now is all we really have. (Not recklessly of course) keep moving forward. The Power of Now by Tolle was helpful for me.

  69. Hi Beauty. I don’t know if you remember me but we used to talk on here earlier this year. I’ve been out of the country for the last six months doing missions work and haven’t been as connected to the rest of the world as I would have liked. That being said I was happy to start reading your blog and this was the first one I started with tonight. It sparked my interest right away, probably because while away I also completed counseling school (my life has a lot going on at once sometimes, but hey I wanna be effective at ministry).

    I know that we hardly even know each other but my heart really goes out to you in this because I have walked through something so similar in my life. I want to call you out on something too. I hope that doesn’t sound too negative because I don’t intend it to be that way at all! You said “I’m incapable of giving myself permission to fly.” but I want to say that you are capable. It’s a lie from the devil to believe you that you aren’t capable of the greatness God has made you for. I know this may sound insignificant, but your words have power, power over you. It may seem simple, but that’s really because it is.

    Here’s the thing, I hardly know you yet I believe in you. I believe in your ability to fly, to go so far beyond where you are now. Why? It’s simple too. I see how you write, and I know God and that He wants to use you, your life and testimony for greatness. You’re capable of being vulnerable and honest, while putting it together into well written words that thousands read. Remember the parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30)? The men there were trusted with different amounts, and some did well and were productive with the little things. It showed the master that they could be trusted with even greater things. Your blog is your talent. You invest in it, you make it go as far as it can and you do it so well. I see the capability you possess even on here! I’m someone who disciples people around the world. If I want to do ministry with someone I’m pretty selective with who I would choose, mostly because millennials are lazy and very entitled. But I know you’re the kind of person I could count on because I see your heart in the words you write on here.

    You have the desire to fly, so I say do it! Here’s a verse for you friend. Read Hebrews 12:1-2 tonight. It’s going to take less than thirty seconds but I will be praying, right after I post this, that it goes to your heart and mind both.

    God bless and bless God,
    Jonathan

    1. Yes, let us run that race with perseverance indeed 🙂 hi Jonathan. Thank you so much for this beautiful and thoughtful note. Gosh, my heart is seriously so warm right now after reading it. I so appreciate your affirming words. You’re right-words, and how one speaks to oneself is powerful. I will trust in the truth that God says about me, and His plan. How are you!? It’s great to hear from you! How was your missions trip? What an incredible gift of service for the Lord. You’re a rockstar in my book:) hope you’re having a great evening. Glad you stopped by. Hugs and love xox

      1. Thank you so much! I think I have an inner rockstar lol. But that’s probably because I get to travel so much, see the world, and meet and do ministry with thousands of people worldwide. I’m doing great! I’m home for all of December and am sort of working at my church mentoring the new youth pastor which I’m pumped about! And I have a good bit of free time and since I live in DC, yet am rarely here, I’m going to be doing some exploring! I was even looking at taking a trip up to New York in the next couple weeks. Maybe I’ll run into you! Haha I know, unlikely!

        Anyways, I’m about to have some more time with God and head to bed. But let’s stay in touch, I’m going to be staying in first world countries for a bit now so it should be easier haha. I always enjoy reading your perspectives! Keep writing and changing lives. It’s an incredible gift God has given you!

      2. Hahha don’t we all 🙂 🤘😎🤘Wow what an exciting new job! I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers! Thanks again for stopping by. I am touched by your encouraging words. Xox

  70. I hold myself back because I know how many blunders I’ve made in the past. I have, however, set aside time to think through the minimum I’m determined to achieve, because I don’t want to be looking back one day and wishing I’d done more with my life. What I am determined about is that I will not be bored or boring… at least any more so than is necessary to avoid getting arrested or having the Lord put a painful stop to it all. X

    1. Hey friend! Thanks for this thoughtful response. You have to chuckling on that last line! 🙂 I think you’re right we’ve got to take each day and live it as the precious gift it is. Thanks for stopping by! Hugs

  71. Dear BBB,
    What an amazing realization to have at a relatively young age. I hear you loud and clear. Continuing to try to not self sabatoge at 50 here. Wonderful to have a Dad that you can talk through and process with. You are on your way to the good things, just by recognizing the presence of self sabatoge. Brene Brown calls it “staying small” I think. Wishes for an amazing journey for you.
    XO
    The Laundry Thief

    1. Hey again Sara! Thank you for reading my posts this morning. But you’re right, I really am so blessed to have such a great father. Staying small. I like that idea a lot. Thanks for passing it along! I hope your week is going swimmingly! 🙂

  72. I get it. Fear of success is just as debilitating as fear of failure. Isaiah 61:1 says, “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.” Enjoy your freedom in Christ–I’m right there with you.

    1. Hi Teresa! Thank you so much for this beautiful comment. There is always such comfort and power in God’s word. Thanks for sharing that passage! Hope you’re having a great day. Hugs

  73. Well, you are doing a lot of good work right here in cyberspace. You make me think and, so I believe, have a nice presence. You know… communion of saints, the Church as the Body of Christ. That type of thing.

    Speaking for myself, it seems some people look at me in ways that I do not look at myself. For example, they think it’s “hard” for me to do a stuffy, formal social event. Yes, it may be hard *work* because many of the people there seem to be worldly, materialistic and status-seeking. But that’s their poverty, not mine.

    So maybe you could just get on top of who you are and love (also respect and protect) yourself for it. And not worry about being like so many others are. Just an idea… not sure if I’m articulating it very well.

    Relationship with God is numero uno, I say. All else should follow from that. 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for this perspective. So powerful! You’re right my relationship with God is first and foremost and everything else should fall in line because of that. I really needed to hear this. Hope you’re having a great Wednesday! Sending big hugs

  74. HI! I literally couldn’t help stalking your blog page when you liked my article on my page to be honest. Thank you for that though. So I went through some of your blogs and videos and I can honestly say that I am super impressed as well as inspired by you and your experiences to say the least. I have just come to know that you went through a really hard time, but girl, sometimes you do have to sacrifice to see the real life. I am so proud of the way you open up about your life to help and inspire others. It’s a big thing, I swear.
    If you feel down, just know there are people who love you for who you are and that’s what matters the most. Live long enough to keep on brightening our dark days with your blogs and existence. LOVE all the way from other side of the world!

    1. Hi Amna! Oh my gosh that’s so kind of you to say! I’m so glad our paths crossed.and from the other side of the world!! That’s so awesome. I am always so fascinated by how the wonderful world of blogging can bring people from all over the world together. Thanks again for your incredibly kind encouragement. It means the world. Hugs

  75. Well, Caralyn, if there is anything we can learn from all of these comments is that we are not alone, and that we share at least a few of the same challenges in life. That knowledge in and of itself is a blessing, and a comfort.

    I’m not sure if the questions in your post were meant to be asked in a more rhetorical sense; I know sometimes we want to let the questions to rest upon our minds for a while. But I must second the notion of those who have said that the best way to reaching our greatest potential in in life is by doing so in accordance to God’s will and with His help and direction. I know that can seem such a petty answer, but I know that He is really there and that He really can speak to us if we truly listen.

    “Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.

    Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation;

    But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong;”

    As you ponder the questions from your post, and over your life decisions, the Lord will not only direct you, but He will also give you a personal witness of His approval and acceptance of where you are going and who you are becoming. Therein we obtain His peace, and true joy.

    In this vein I can also tell as one who is in a field and career that I studied and continue to enjoy, although it does bring a certain level of joy, it does not bring the greatest joy in my life. When I come home to my wife and 4-year-old son, I see and feel my greatest joy. The true joy in life has just always been, and is meant to be about families. That is what God’s while work is about; bringing His family back home to him.

    And so it is the same with us. As we help bring our own families, and then our neighbor also who is really our brother or sister in God, we obtain true joy:

    “And if it so be that you should labor all your days, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!

    And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me!”

    With all of this said, may I commend you for this truly inspirational blog of yours. Look at how many people you are affecting for good; how many you are truly in many ways bringing back to God.

    Thank you!

    1. Thank you so much for this kind response Eugene. You’re right I was so touched by the encouraging comments! We are all in this together. That’s such a great and powerful quote. Thanks for sharing it with me! Wow what a beautiful family you have! You’re right God has a plan for everyone and it is good and in his perfect timing. You know it’s funny, I didn’t even think I was going to post this particular entry. I had a completely other one all teed up and ready to go but five minutes before I was set to post I made a gametime decision and posting this musing that was originally intended only for my eyes as A prompt for another post. Funny how God works like that sometimes. Thanks again hugs

  76. Honesty! This is a good one. I’m about to write about Integrity! This election season showed a lack of it, and even a lack of understanding of what it is! Our world has a lot of work to do to get back to a balanced state!

  77. Ah…Caralyn. You ARE hard on yourself. You may be afraid, but you are capable. You may not know what flying looks like for you, but you can do it when you figure out what it is for you, what your true passion and gift are.
    From a personal standpoint, sometimes what we are afraid of is that what we strive for will disappoint us, and we’ll be left with nothing. A goal unpursued is less painful than one that disappoints.
    I don’t know what you want to be when you grow up (teehee) but I think you do a bang up job a blogger and recovery supporter.
    hugs sister 🙂

    1. Thanks Jeff, that’s really kind of you to say. You’re right, it’s easier to not pursue something than to pursue and fail. But you’re right, I’ve gotta just got for it and not be afraid to fall. 🙂 thanks for your encouraging words. Big hugs xox

  78. We only pass by this way once BB, and only you can define what success looks like for you.
    Looking at your words from the other perspective, maybe you’ve been saved from those other paths because they were just not the right ones.
    Thinking biological clock, perhaps you’re ready for another equally valid and satisfying choice, the opposite of ‘Broadway’ showtime.
    Enjoying, the proverbial white picket fence, mid-western lifestyle with your like-minded soul-mate for life, raising a family and working together for God .
    Cue, screaming feminists, LOL
    God Bless.

    1. Hi there! Such great advice. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. You’re right, that white picket fence has always been the endgame for me and perhaps it’s time I start setting my sights on that. Thanks for stopping by and for this great perspective. Hugs and love xox

  79. Start small. Gain confidence doing little things. Allow yourself to pat yourself on the back when you do good. But also allow yourself to make mistakes. Look at the mistakes as lessons on how to do things better. I was afraid of failing for so long that I turned over decision making to my husband. After many friends repeatedly telling me that my husband wasn’t treating me right one friend recommended “Women Who Run With Wolves” by Dr. Clarissa Estes. This book helped me turn my life around. I realized that I have strengths and gifts that I wasn’t using; didn’t even realize that I had.This gave away my power. Please be sure you are not in an abusive relationship with someone whether it be your mother, father, brother, friend, boyfriend or whatever. You are very vulnerable right now. Do not let anyone make you feel that you are stupid or a failure. You seem to be doing that enough to yourself. I am now a confident 65 year old woman. It took time, pain, and grief to see the years of my life and how my confidence was so shattered by my husband and my fear of failure.
    Last I want to share a quote by Marrianne Williamson: Our Deepest Fear

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
    Hope this helps!! Been there, done that and came out of it!

    1. Thank you so much for this kind response. And wow what a powerful quote. I absolutely love that. You’re right-one step at a time. My motto is “just do the next right thing.” Thanks for passing on your words of wisdom. I appreciate it very much. And I’m glad that things turned around for you:) you deserve a life that overflows with love and respect in abundance. Thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

  80. This pulled at my heart so much. So often, I find it’s easier, and infintley less painful, to hide behind a wall. As a teenagar who dealt with reactive attachement disorer, I’m still struggling to let people see the real me. SOmetimes, I think I’m over the emotional fear, but I realize I’m just wearing​ another mask. These thoughts definitely​​ ​encourage me to keep fighting my demons of emotional insecurity.

    1. Hi Elizabeth, thank you so much for this kind response. I’m so glad that it resonated with you. And thanks for sharing your story. Keep fighting, my friend. 🙂 Sending big big hugs xox

  81. I know something about self-sabotage, so here’s what I can tell you.
    (1) It’s totally illogical but very common. Many people when they get close to the desire of their heart or take a major step towards it find a way to screw it up, so you’re not alone.
    (2) A part of us fears success as much as failure. I think it comes down to a fear of change. Accepting success or reaching a goal will bring changes in your life. If you are comfortable now, it will mean going through some discomfort as you leave your old life.
    (3) We fear the unknown. Walking through that door will bring you to the desires of your heart, but what else lies on the other side? We don’t know, and that’s why it’s scary. I can tell you the fear is unfounded, that you’re just creating monsters in your head to keep you away from change, but you won’t really know that until you go through that door.
    Going back to the 12 Steps, the first step is identifying the problem. You’ve done that, and that’s farther than many people get. It sounds like your saboteur is the subtle kind. The first tactic is not to fill you with fear but to distract you. Your goal is in reach so you are about to go in that direction, but oh, look over there. You “need” to do something else that takes your focus away from taking that next step where you really want to go. You’re offered an acting scholarship. You celebrate, but then the saboteur tells you you need to lose weight, so you develop anorexia and wreck your health. Sabotage complete. You meet a guy who could be your heart’s desire, but your saboteur tells him, “You’d better stay away. I have baggage,” so you keep him at a distance until he gives up.
    It’s interesting that you connected this self-sabotage with your eating disorder. You’ve gone deeper now and identified the emotional root of your physical condition. I think God is showing you there is still some issue around self-worth that needs to be healed. You’ve come a long way in your recovery from ED, there’s no doubt about that. But if the saboteur is still lurking, if you’re not satisfied, if you see yourself letting opportunities slip away, then there is something in you that still thinks you are unworthy of living a life that makes you truly happy. So just as you’ve learned to recover from ED, you now need to learn to recover from self-sabotage.
    The second step is believe in a higher power. You know who your higher power is, so you know who to turn to for help.
    Other than that, the best advice I can give you is what Jesus said to his disciples in Gethsemane. “Watch and pray, lest you fall into temptation.” The temptation is to turn away and lose focus when you get close to the desire of your heart. You know the saboteur will try to distract you, so watch for him so he doesn’t slip under the radar again. When you see him, pray and do the opposite of what he says. Tell him, “Thank you for sharing, Butthead.” And with God’s help keep moving confidently in the direction of your dreams.
    And I’ve told you this before, but it bears repeating. Don’t EVER sell yourself short with a guy because of your “baggage.” The struggles you have gone through and the character and compassion you developed because of them make you more attractive, not less.
    P.S. Your story would make a great book. Publishers like an author with almost 20k blog followers.

    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response, David. There so much great food for thought here. You’re right, there really is a lot of cross over between a 12 step program and ed recovery. Such great perspective. Leave it to Jesus to show us the way : watch and pray:) thanks again for your kind words. It truly means so much. Big hugs to you xox

  82. I’ve heard that we could be afraid of success, contrary to the more popular fear of failure. It’s possible. We’re not quite sure what we’ll do when we get there, how we’ll feel, etc. So, we procrastinate, we dilly-dally, we make excuses. Perhaps, we fear that we may not be able to handle success when it comes. I’m not quite sure. I do that too, though.
    BUT, internally, I think the bigger issue, which I am realizing now, is the “self-worth gone AWOL”. We have confidence, yes! We love ourselves, yes! We believe in us and what we can do, yes! On the surface, everything seems perfect. Gnawing deep down is that doubt, the question: “Am I good enough, really? Am I just fooling myself?” It may not be for you but I know it is for me and thus I decided this year that I am growing up. I know, technically, I can so much, so why am I not doing what I know and truly accomplish big stuff?
    OR, perhaps the success we have in our head is not the success that our heart keeps close to itself, quietly defying the head.
    The thing is we need to know what’s stopping us then we can do something about it…. I do hope you find what causes your hesitation or fear. Honestly! 🙂
    Much love to you and warm hugs xxx

      1. Always my pleasure, Caralyn. 🙂 You have some time, though. Don’t worry. And even when you do, remember to have fun. I think I refused to grow up for a long time because I think grown ups are boring and too serious. Hahaha. Lotsa love and hugs xx

  83. Its funny I was thinking the same thing. I have also had discussions about some business ventures and I just talk down its possibility. Especially the part about dating. There are lots of things I could do to change my situation, there are a lot of different things I could be a part of–but instead I just talk myself out of it or I tell myself lies like how immensly busy. When in actuality I think I am a little scared.

    Thank you for your honesty and thought provoking post BBB.

    1. Hey friend, thanks for your kind words. Yeah it is definitely nerve wracking to put yourself there in the dating world. I totally feel you on that. Thanks for stopping by. Hugs and love xox

  84. Christian singles group after mass… hmm I gotta find a church like that. 😉

    Discomfort limits us a lot in life, doesn’t it? You can get to the edge of something great and then fear and that feeling of uncertainty makes you unconsciously sabotage yourself. Happens to me all the time too. There’s no advice or book that can get you over that hurdle (although thousands of books claim to), it’s something we have to push through ourselves. It’s been on my mind a lot lately, actually. Thinking about my goals in life and what could possibly be the worst that could happen if I just went for it?

    1. haha, yeah that group is always a popular one! gotta work up the courage to go. often times I feel like I’mjust in a fish bowl in those types of situations haha. Thanks for your encouraging words. You’re right — gotta push through it. hugs xox

  85. Wow! I could’ve written this post. I am forever sabotaging my dreams. The only difference is I am now 50 years old and realizing just how big a cost this has been. I am determined that the next 50 (give or take a few) will finally take me where I want to be. You’ve been blessed with this realization at a much younger age, and knowing what the problem is, is half the battle. God bless you and keep you! =)

  86. Change is scary. It’s unknown. It’s easier to stick with what’s familiar even if it sucks.

    Changes also take practice. You’re changing both behaviors and ways of thought.

    Don’t give up.

  87. God’s timing is perfect!! Never forget that! God is doing some serious heart change on me right now too that’s similar to yours. Certain chapters open and then close, and it’s easy to be afraid. The unknown scares me like crazy but God allows you to realize certain things to prepare you for what is next. I am gonna have some serious changes come about in the next few months and I have no idea what I’m gonna do about any of it but I have peace that God is with me through it all and knows my future! It’s okay for you to question your fears and take a step back. You will figure it all out just cling to Him in the midst of it all! There is that phrase that I love, “While you’re waiting on God to open the next door, praise Him in the hallway”. I’ll keep you in my prayers!! <3

    1. Thanks Brittany! Amen to that! You’re right, His timing is perfect, I just have to trust — which is a lot easier said than done! I’ll be praying for you and your new chapter 🙂 thanks for stopping by! big hugs xox

      1. Absolutely, it is a lot harder said than done but you’ll look back on all of this one day with understanding about what God was doing! Thanks for the prayers!! 🙂

  88. This post really resonated with me…lately I’ve been wondering how much of life I’m missing out on because I’m lazy or afraid to take a chance. Or intimidated by the work they’d take or (the biggest thing) the money. Maybe this isn’t as much of an issue with you, but I just wanted to say that I know the feeling.

    1. Hey again friend. I totally am right there with you. FOMO is a real thing, isn’t it ?? I just have to trust that I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Sending you massive hugs, my friend. Hope you have a great weekend! Hugs and love xox

  89. I love your writing and so appreciate your honesty. Glad we have “met” in this world wide web! I absolutely relate to this, and one of my favorite quotes is this:
    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson
    Praying for you and for me to step into that dream and jump off that cliff…He promises we will soar high on wings like eagles when we trust Him!

    1. Hi Katie, thank you so much for this beautiful reflection. I’m so glad our paths crossed as well! What a powerful quote. You’re right-trusting in Him is the best thing we could ever do. Thanks for the prayers. Hugs and love xox

  90. Hi Caralyn, I’ve been away for awhile, but something on my FB feed caught my eye and brought me back. I think I’ve been avoiding the blogging world lately. But your huge dose of honesty went straight to my heart. I’m sending you so much love. In your words, I read your pain and anguish. It sounds extremely painful to be asking such cutting questions, yet I agree with David’s comment above. Here is a place for growth. I wish I had some wise advice or inspiring passage for you, but I do know that even this introspective process is part of God’s plan for your life. It’s ALL part of the plan and it’s all necessary to bring about your ultimate fulfillment, salvation, and happiness. God knows us each so perfectly that he knows exactly what we will do in every single circumstance, and he is the designer of all of our circumstances. He is orchestrating everything for your good. You are so loved! Xoxoxo

    1. Aw thank you so much Lulu. You never fail to make me feel so encouraged and uplifted. You’re right-God IS the ultimate orchestrator and I can completely trust in His good and perfectly timed plan for my life. Yeah, introspection is definitely a necessary, albeit sobering, step in the healing and growing process. So glad you stopped by. Hope you’re having a great weekend. Hugs and love xox

  91. I ended up chatting with my family for about an hour last night, so I did not get back on the Internet to read this…. First cup of coffee and time to check some blogs before milking the goats…
    Is your fear of starting to achieve your dreams?, Or, are you afraid that you might achieve your dreams but not achieve the feeling of success that you desire? Or, are your afraid that after achieving your dreams, what will you not have something to strive for?
    Often our desires drive us, but do not sustain us. For me, giving up my plans and allowing events to happen has worked better when I took the opportunities as they arose (I call those Marvelous Coincidences and my brother calls them God Moments). I married my high-school sweat-heart, convincing myself that this must be love therefore God’s will. Wrong. I married my college heart throb. Wrong. I dated a few women when I lived in NYC, to have most head off for other ambitions. Linda & I had both given up on the dating scene, when we met under the oddest circumstances. Here we are 25 years later.
    I moved to NYC from CA to pursue the big-city life. Now, I’m quite comfortable living in a log cabin on the side of mountain, watching the sunrise on the next mountain west of us. We still get into D.C. for culture, museums, and theatre with friends.
    My original college studies were in theatre, with an ambition to be an actor. Now, I run thearpy groups, which are pretty much 45 minute improvisational theatre pieces. All the world is a stage.
    Let the fear pass. Let your ambitions happen. Watch for those Marvelous Coincidences or God Moments. Don’t eat too much dried fruit at one time 🙂
    Oscar

    1. Thanks so much Oscar. Wow this is so powerful. I’m glad you had a great talk with your family! That warms my heart:) and wow, you have such an amazing story! Thank you for sharing it with me! You’re right-allowing God to work His plan without letting our own ambitions cloud that view is scary but the best. I’m so glad you’ve found the life you’re living now. It sounds incredibly wonderful and fulfilling. I am truly so happy for you:) thanks for all your encouragement and wisdom. I’m grateful for you. Big hugs xox

  92. Okay, so I spiritualize everything these days because as this world winds down and eternity is closer on the horizon than it has ever been, the importance of the spirit realm cannot be overstated. And I think fear and self-sabotage and all negative, damaging forces on this earth are a result of a spiritual enemy inserting themselves into our lives to keep us from happiness and keep us distracted at best from all the good things from God and destroyed at worst, their ultimate goal. Prayer and Bible reading and application is their enemy, our tool, our hope. Jesus is the hope we have to defeat this already defeated but pouting enemy. And any true follower of God knows this. Anyone else will think this is whacko. I have told enemies attacking me from within to leave in Jesus’ name, sometimes many times a day, hour, week, however much it took. And they have to go. And if we keep filling ourselves with God and His goodness and love for us, we can truly do anything at all God puts in our path to do and it is never too late to do what He puts in our hearts to do. Just my thoughts. Love you, beautiful. 🙂

    1. Thank you so much, Tonya, for this reflection. You’re right, we’ve got to cling to those tools available: prayer and the bible, and our “big gun”—Jesus 🙂 I don’t think that is whacko at all! Its powerful. And true. God is the most powerful 🙂 Hallelujah. Thanks for this wonderfully kind response. Grateful for you xox

      1. Grateful for you, beautiful sister in Jesus. Your beauty has nothing to do with what you look like either, though you are pretty. You have a heart of solid gold filled with the greatest power in the universe, God’s Spirit. Remember that tool!! 🙂

  93. Fear is a very strange thing, mostly because we fear so much. Failure, because it has the stigma of rejection. Success, because we are ruthless self-critics and we feel that anything that shows our competence and achievement is somehow a lie.

    Here’s some honor to undo the shame of failure and rejection- so you can just be as you are now. You know that you help people. All the time. Just by being you. By writing and being honest. Do you have any idea how powerful your vulnerability is? Just that, and that’s only a small thing of the whole package.

    You don’t have to achieve things; just be patient with yourself. If they happen, they happen. In their season. Just be you because you are the only you there is.

    1. Hi there! oh my gosh, i am just blown away by your kind words. thank you, my friend. Your encouragement truly means so much. You’re right — patience is the key, I think. Because things will fall into place when the time is right 🙂 hope you’re having a great night. hugs xx

  94. YOU, my dear are an “inspiration” to many. Even though my addiction/recovery is about gambling and alcohol, let’s face it, addiction is addiction. Keep fighting the good fight. You are especially telling young girls that if they have an eating disorder, it is OK to talk about it! Oh! And thank you for visiting my Recovery Blog too XoXo Hugs.

    Love & Light,
    Cat

    1. Aw, Cat, thank you so much. What a kind note of encouragement. You’re right — all addiction stems from that same space. You too! Keep up the good fight 🙂 big hugs to you! It’s nice to know we’re fighting together 🙂 xox

    1. Gosh, thank you for all your thoughtful responses today! Sorry I’m a little late on the reply…my mom and sister in law were in town visiting 🙂 but i do appreciate you stopping by and sharing your reflections. Grateful for you 🙂 hugs xox

  95. God’s plan is life and love. Jesus’ disciples couldn’t get over worrying about why or who’s fault it was, in John 9. Jesus knew that the only forever truth was God’s glory, and that glory can’t be missed. The same is true for all of us. You’re here because God is good! And we’re all so glad 🙂 thank you for all you do!

  96. We all self sabotage at some point. The great news is you’ve figured it out now. So you can finally make some positive changes. face your fear. Live in the moment.

  97. Well, young lady, that you acknowledged the thought, didn’t resist it, soul searched it, and accepted it as a possibility, says a lot. All of this, done with maturity and without blame to other; says even more.
    I have observed a similar situation of myself. Many years ago and with many years of prior observation, I realized that when I had my worst bouts of depression, my life was running much smoother than normal; like without hardship, my mind and/or body freak. And, of course, that realization, like yours, is kind of nerving. But acknowledging and owning the self sabataging behavior is still much better than the days filled with dread until I realize, oh my depression is here.

    Have you decided to actively attempt to modify it? If so, how and how is it going?
    Also, I want to thank you for being you because I was almost sure there wasn’t anyone else left with the ability to think philosophically; able to shed ego and concentrate longer than 8 seconds. You have given a bit of spring in my step.

    thanks
    Sabrina

    1. Thank you so much for this reflection, sabrina. I really appreciate your kind words and for sharing part of your story. I’m so glad you’ve found a way to heal and grow and transform from that. I’ll keep you posted 🙂 glad we’re journeying together! hugs xox

  98. So gorgeous, I am too but I’m a man, Haha… More distinguished now. Though I cant pull off the red lipstick like you can.

    Honestly, I come for the selfies… “Forgive me Father.” Okay, whaaa? :)))

      1. Question. Are your photos for your webcam? Side note* guess I’ll have to pick up some red lipstick on my way home tomorrow…

        Im in the book of Psalms, I’ve always enjoyed them…

  99. I think this such a real thing. Finals got the best of me and so I’m just now catching up on my blog reading. But seriously. I’ve felt the way you describe before and it comes it waves. So you’re not alone in feeling this fear or in staying where you are a little while longer because it’s comfortable or being afraid that your dreams could actually come true. Just remember to keep taking it one day at a time and you’ll get there 🙂

  100. Your blog is simply amazing, loving your honesty in this. Just know that God’s planning something amazing, my friend. Just follow what He says, because He will lead you to great and amazing places. We’re praying for you!

  101. This is a brilliant realization and a big step into doing great things! I think sometimes we do things to sabotage because it’s a way we have learned to protect ourselves. Your blog shows you know how to do things afraid. I really enjoy reading it! Keep rocking the bravery. You are going to do GREAT things! Praying for you 😀

  102. Good soliloquy. Very nice. But I think your soliloquy, if you don’t mind my intrusion begs this question of the questions themselves: Why are you asking yourself so many questions? Is life really worth involving neurons to solve emotional needs? Let the feet. Let the hands. Forget the neurons. We can all drown in too many neurons, and some call self-inflicted drowning death by suicide. Who shall ascend to the hill of the Lord? Who shall stand in HIS holy place? He that hath CLEAN HANDS and a PURE HEART, who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity nor sworn deceitfully. Clean hands, pure heart is more than heavily activated neurons. Pause.

    1. Thanks Dan:) That’s some great food for thought. You’re right, I should be examining my need for so many questions. For none of us will be able to stand in His holy place…every knee will bend. Thanks for stopping by! big hugs xo

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