Letting You In

Honesty.

Given everything going on in the media surrounding the outcome of the election, it seems that that word has kind of lost its value recently.

It’s kind of lost its meaning…like when a package of cheese puffs says the ingredients are 100% natural….suuuuure, buddy. Like, what does that even mean anymore?

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But it still holds a lot of weight with me, and so, in the spirit of honestly, I have to come clean about something.

I learned something about myself tonight.

A fact that ties everything in my life together …

I am afraid of truly letting myself be all I can be.

I’m incapable of giving myself permission to fly.

That sounds super meta…so incredibly wow-this-girl-is-too-in-her-head, but I realize that my life has been a string of one season of self-sabotage after another.

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Sometimes deliberately, sometimes subconsciously. I’ll take one step forward, and then *bam* two steps back.

I realized this tonight. I’ve been throwing around some ideas with my dad…ideas that honestly, would be the actualization of a dream of mine. We talked about it this afternoon. So what do I do tonight? I stay up late and eat a bunch of dried mangoes so I feel sick to my stomach and bad about myself so that I don’t feel up to going and pursuing it tomorrow. The thing that I’ve been working for, finally within reach, only to pocket veto myself by default.

Same with high school. Junior year, I’m on track to attend a prestigious drama conservatory/university after having just won a regional acting scholarship…my dreams are literally on the horizon…and I develop anorexia. The pressure gets too much so I pocket veto by default…I get too sick to proceed.

Same with boys. I could be dating. You know, really put myself out there to meet Mr. Right.  I could go to the young adult singles group after Mass. I could go to any of the many christian singles events in this big booming metropolis. I could make myself emotionally available to certain gentlemen who have an interest. But I don’t. I keep my heart at arm’s distance. Never show my cards. Never become emotionally vulnerable with any guy. Chalk it up to “not being ready for a relationship“…

Same with my career. I could be ruthless in my pursuit of my acting career. I could be doing a lot of other things, other than nannying. But that would be allowing myself to flourish. So I’m complacent. Stuck in what’s comfortable.

Same with…literally everything in my life.

Which makes me think, and honestly answer some hardball questions: Could I be living in NYC because I know that living back in the Midwest around my family is what my heart truly desires? Am I not going to the fertility doctor because I know that having children one day would make me the ultimate of happy? Am I not doing these things because of fear? Because I am unwilling to allow myself the joy and satisfaction of a full life? Am I subconsciously self-sabotaging?

What is it that I’m afraid of?

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beautybeyondbones

BBB: Because we're all recovering from something. // For speaking/business inquiries: beautybeyondbones@yahoo.com

352 thoughts on “Letting You In

  1. I know something about self-sabotage, so here’s what I can tell you.
    (1) It’s totally illogical but very common. Many people when they get close to the desire of their heart or take a major step towards it find a way to screw it up, so you’re not alone.
    (2) A part of us fears success as much as failure. I think it comes down to a fear of change. Accepting success or reaching a goal will bring changes in your life. If you are comfortable now, it will mean going through some discomfort as you leave your old life.
    (3) We fear the unknown. Walking through that door will bring you to the desires of your heart, but what else lies on the other side? We don’t know, and that’s why it’s scary. I can tell you the fear is unfounded, that you’re just creating monsters in your head to keep you away from change, but you won’t really know that until you go through that door.
    Going back to the 12 Steps, the first step is identifying the problem. You’ve done that, and that’s farther than many people get. It sounds like your saboteur is the subtle kind. The first tactic is not to fill you with fear but to distract you. Your goal is in reach so you are about to go in that direction, but oh, look over there. You “need” to do something else that takes your focus away from taking that next step where you really want to go. You’re offered an acting scholarship. You celebrate, but then the saboteur tells you you need to lose weight, so you develop anorexia and wreck your health. Sabotage complete. You meet a guy who could be your heart’s desire, but your saboteur tells him, “You’d better stay away. I have baggage,” so you keep him at a distance until he gives up.
    It’s interesting that you connected this self-sabotage with your eating disorder. You’ve gone deeper now and identified the emotional root of your physical condition. I think God is showing you there is still some issue around self-worth that needs to be healed. You’ve come a long way in your recovery from ED, there’s no doubt about that. But if the saboteur is still lurking, if you’re not satisfied, if you see yourself letting opportunities slip away, then there is something in you that still thinks you are unworthy of living a life that makes you truly happy. So just as you’ve learned to recover from ED, you now need to learn to recover from self-sabotage.
    The second step is believe in a higher power. You know who your higher power is, so you know who to turn to for help.
    Other than that, the best advice I can give you is what Jesus said to his disciples in Gethsemane. “Watch and pray, lest you fall into temptation.” The temptation is to turn away and lose focus when you get close to the desire of your heart. You know the saboteur will try to distract you, so watch for him so he doesn’t slip under the radar again. When you see him, pray and do the opposite of what he says. Tell him, “Thank you for sharing, Butthead.” And with God’s help keep moving confidently in the direction of your dreams.
    And I’ve told you this before, but it bears repeating. Don’t EVER sell yourself short with a guy because of your “baggage.” The struggles you have gone through and the character and compassion you developed because of them make you more attractive, not less.
    P.S. Your story would make a great book. Publishers like an author with almost 20k blog followers.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thank you so much for this thoughtful response, David. There so much great food for thought here. You’re right, there really is a lot of cross over between a 12 step program and ed recovery. Such great perspective. Leave it to Jesus to show us the way : watch and pray:) thanks again for your kind words. It truly means so much. Big hugs to you xox

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve heard that we could be afraid of success, contrary to the more popular fear of failure. It’s possible. We’re not quite sure what we’ll do when we get there, how we’ll feel, etc. So, we procrastinate, we dilly-dally, we make excuses. Perhaps, we fear that we may not be able to handle success when it comes. I’m not quite sure. I do that too, though.
    BUT, internally, I think the bigger issue, which I am realizing now, is the “self-worth gone AWOL”. We have confidence, yes! We love ourselves, yes! We believe in us and what we can do, yes! On the surface, everything seems perfect. Gnawing deep down is that doubt, the question: “Am I good enough, really? Am I just fooling myself?” It may not be for you but I know it is for me and thus I decided this year that I am growing up. I know, technically, I can so much, so why am I not doing what I know and truly accomplish big stuff?
    OR, perhaps the success we have in our head is not the success that our heart keeps close to itself, quietly defying the head.
    The thing is we need to know what’s stopping us then we can do something about it…. I do hope you find what causes your hesitation or fear. Honestly! 🙂
    Much love to you and warm hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Always my pleasure, Caralyn. 🙂 You have some time, though. Don’t worry. And even when you do, remember to have fun. I think I refused to grow up for a long time because I think grown ups are boring and too serious. Hahaha. Lotsa love and hugs xx

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  3. Its funny I was thinking the same thing. I have also had discussions about some business ventures and I just talk down its possibility. Especially the part about dating. There are lots of things I could do to change my situation, there are a lot of different things I could be a part of–but instead I just talk myself out of it or I tell myself lies like how immensly busy. When in actuality I think I am a little scared.

    Thank you for your honesty and thought provoking post BBB.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Christian singles group after mass… hmm I gotta find a church like that. 😉

    Discomfort limits us a lot in life, doesn’t it? You can get to the edge of something great and then fear and that feeling of uncertainty makes you unconsciously sabotage yourself. Happens to me all the time too. There’s no advice or book that can get you over that hurdle (although thousands of books claim to), it’s something we have to push through ourselves. It’s been on my mind a lot lately, actually. Thinking about my goals in life and what could possibly be the worst that could happen if I just went for it?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. haha, yeah that group is always a popular one! gotta work up the courage to go. often times I feel like I’mjust in a fish bowl in those types of situations haha. Thanks for your encouraging words. You’re right — gotta push through it. hugs xox

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  5. Wow! I could’ve written this post. I am forever sabotaging my dreams. The only difference is I am now 50 years old and realizing just how big a cost this has been. I am determined that the next 50 (give or take a few) will finally take me where I want to be. You’ve been blessed with this realization at a much younger age, and knowing what the problem is, is half the battle. God bless you and keep you! =)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. God’s timing is perfect!! Never forget that! God is doing some serious heart change on me right now too that’s similar to yours. Certain chapters open and then close, and it’s easy to be afraid. The unknown scares me like crazy but God allows you to realize certain things to prepare you for what is next. I am gonna have some serious changes come about in the next few months and I have no idea what I’m gonna do about any of it but I have peace that God is with me through it all and knows my future! It’s okay for you to question your fears and take a step back. You will figure it all out just cling to Him in the midst of it all! There is that phrase that I love, “While you’re waiting on God to open the next door, praise Him in the hallway”. I’ll keep you in my prayers!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Absolutely, it is a lot harder said than done but you’ll look back on all of this one day with understanding about what God was doing! Thanks for the prayers!! 🙂

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  7. This post really resonated with me…lately I’ve been wondering how much of life I’m missing out on because I’m lazy or afraid to take a chance. Or intimidated by the work they’d take or (the biggest thing) the money. Maybe this isn’t as much of an issue with you, but I just wanted to say that I know the feeling.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey again friend. I totally am right there with you. FOMO is a real thing, isn’t it ?? I just have to trust that I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Sending you massive hugs, my friend. Hope you have a great weekend! Hugs and love xox

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  8. I love your writing and so appreciate your honesty. Glad we have “met” in this world wide web! I absolutely relate to this, and one of my favorite quotes is this:
    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson
    Praying for you and for me to step into that dream and jump off that cliff…He promises we will soar high on wings like eagles when we trust Him!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Katie, thank you so much for this beautiful reflection. I’m so glad our paths crossed as well! What a powerful quote. You’re right-trusting in Him is the best thing we could ever do. Thanks for the prayers. Hugs and love xox

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  9. Hi Caralyn, I’ve been away for awhile, but something on my FB feed caught my eye and brought me back. I think I’ve been avoiding the blogging world lately. But your huge dose of honesty went straight to my heart. I’m sending you so much love. In your words, I read your pain and anguish. It sounds extremely painful to be asking such cutting questions, yet I agree with David’s comment above. Here is a place for growth. I wish I had some wise advice or inspiring passage for you, but I do know that even this introspective process is part of God’s plan for your life. It’s ALL part of the plan and it’s all necessary to bring about your ultimate fulfillment, salvation, and happiness. God knows us each so perfectly that he knows exactly what we will do in every single circumstance, and he is the designer of all of our circumstances. He is orchestrating everything for your good. You are so loved! Xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw thank you so much Lulu. You never fail to make me feel so encouraged and uplifted. You’re right-God IS the ultimate orchestrator and I can completely trust in His good and perfectly timed plan for my life. Yeah, introspection is definitely a necessary, albeit sobering, step in the healing and growing process. So glad you stopped by. Hope you’re having a great weekend. Hugs and love xox

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  10. I ended up chatting with my family for about an hour last night, so I did not get back on the Internet to read this…. First cup of coffee and time to check some blogs before milking the goats…
    Is your fear of starting to achieve your dreams?, Or, are you afraid that you might achieve your dreams but not achieve the feeling of success that you desire? Or, are your afraid that after achieving your dreams, what will you not have something to strive for?
    Often our desires drive us, but do not sustain us. For me, giving up my plans and allowing events to happen has worked better when I took the opportunities as they arose (I call those Marvelous Coincidences and my brother calls them God Moments). I married my high-school sweat-heart, convincing myself that this must be love therefore God’s will. Wrong. I married my college heart throb. Wrong. I dated a few women when I lived in NYC, to have most head off for other ambitions. Linda & I had both given up on the dating scene, when we met under the oddest circumstances. Here we are 25 years later.
    I moved to NYC from CA to pursue the big-city life. Now, I’m quite comfortable living in a log cabin on the side of mountain, watching the sunrise on the next mountain west of us. We still get into D.C. for culture, museums, and theatre with friends.
    My original college studies were in theatre, with an ambition to be an actor. Now, I run thearpy groups, which are pretty much 45 minute improvisational theatre pieces. All the world is a stage.
    Let the fear pass. Let your ambitions happen. Watch for those Marvelous Coincidences or God Moments. Don’t eat too much dried fruit at one time 🙂
    Oscar

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Oscar. Wow this is so powerful. I’m glad you had a great talk with your family! That warms my heart:) and wow, you have such an amazing story! Thank you for sharing it with me! You’re right-allowing God to work His plan without letting our own ambitions cloud that view is scary but the best. I’m so glad you’ve found the life you’re living now. It sounds incredibly wonderful and fulfilling. I am truly so happy for you:) thanks for all your encouragement and wisdom. I’m grateful for you. Big hugs xox

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  11. Okay, so I spiritualize everything these days because as this world winds down and eternity is closer on the horizon than it has ever been, the importance of the spirit realm cannot be overstated. And I think fear and self-sabotage and all negative, damaging forces on this earth are a result of a spiritual enemy inserting themselves into our lives to keep us from happiness and keep us distracted at best from all the good things from God and destroyed at worst, their ultimate goal. Prayer and Bible reading and application is their enemy, our tool, our hope. Jesus is the hope we have to defeat this already defeated but pouting enemy. And any true follower of God knows this. Anyone else will think this is whacko. I have told enemies attacking me from within to leave in Jesus’ name, sometimes many times a day, hour, week, however much it took. And they have to go. And if we keep filling ourselves with God and His goodness and love for us, we can truly do anything at all God puts in our path to do and it is never too late to do what He puts in our hearts to do. Just my thoughts. Love you, beautiful. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Tonya, for this reflection. You’re right, we’ve got to cling to those tools available: prayer and the bible, and our “big gun”—Jesus 🙂 I don’t think that is whacko at all! Its powerful. And true. God is the most powerful 🙂 Hallelujah. Thanks for this wonderfully kind response. Grateful for you xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Grateful for you, beautiful sister in Jesus. Your beauty has nothing to do with what you look like either, though you are pretty. You have a heart of solid gold filled with the greatest power in the universe, God’s Spirit. Remember that tool!! 🙂

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  12. Fear is a very strange thing, mostly because we fear so much. Failure, because it has the stigma of rejection. Success, because we are ruthless self-critics and we feel that anything that shows our competence and achievement is somehow a lie.

    Here’s some honor to undo the shame of failure and rejection- so you can just be as you are now. You know that you help people. All the time. Just by being you. By writing and being honest. Do you have any idea how powerful your vulnerability is? Just that, and that’s only a small thing of the whole package.

    You don’t have to achieve things; just be patient with yourself. If they happen, they happen. In their season. Just be you because you are the only you there is.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi there! oh my gosh, i am just blown away by your kind words. thank you, my friend. Your encouragement truly means so much. You’re right — patience is the key, I think. Because things will fall into place when the time is right 🙂 hope you’re having a great night. hugs xx

      Liked by 1 person

  13. YOU, my dear are an “inspiration” to many. Even though my addiction/recovery is about gambling and alcohol, let’s face it, addiction is addiction. Keep fighting the good fight. You are especially telling young girls that if they have an eating disorder, it is OK to talk about it! Oh! And thank you for visiting my Recovery Blog too XoXo Hugs.

    Love & Light,
    Cat

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    1. Aw, Cat, thank you so much. What a kind note of encouragement. You’re right — all addiction stems from that same space. You too! Keep up the good fight 🙂 big hugs to you! It’s nice to know we’re fighting together 🙂 xox

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Gosh, thank you for all your thoughtful responses today! Sorry I’m a little late on the reply…my mom and sister in law were in town visiting 🙂 but i do appreciate you stopping by and sharing your reflections. Grateful for you 🙂 hugs xox

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  14. God’s plan is life and love. Jesus’ disciples couldn’t get over worrying about why or who’s fault it was, in John 9. Jesus knew that the only forever truth was God’s glory, and that glory can’t be missed. The same is true for all of us. You’re here because God is good! And we’re all so glad 🙂 thank you for all you do!

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  15. Well, young lady, that you acknowledged the thought, didn’t resist it, soul searched it, and accepted it as a possibility, says a lot. All of this, done with maturity and without blame to other; says even more.
    I have observed a similar situation of myself. Many years ago and with many years of prior observation, I realized that when I had my worst bouts of depression, my life was running much smoother than normal; like without hardship, my mind and/or body freak. And, of course, that realization, like yours, is kind of nerving. But acknowledging and owning the self sabataging behavior is still much better than the days filled with dread until I realize, oh my depression is here.

    Have you decided to actively attempt to modify it? If so, how and how is it going?
    Also, I want to thank you for being you because I was almost sure there wasn’t anyone else left with the ability to think philosophically; able to shed ego and concentrate longer than 8 seconds. You have given a bit of spring in my step.

    thanks
    Sabrina

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    1. Thank you so much for this reflection, sabrina. I really appreciate your kind words and for sharing part of your story. I’m so glad you’ve found a way to heal and grow and transform from that. I’ll keep you posted 🙂 glad we’re journeying together! hugs xox

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  16. So gorgeous, I am too but I’m a man, Haha… More distinguished now. Though I cant pull off the red lipstick like you can.

    Honestly, I come for the selfies… “Forgive me Father.” Okay, whaaa? :)))

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      1. Question. Are your photos for your webcam? Side note* guess I’ll have to pick up some red lipstick on my way home tomorrow…

        Im in the book of Psalms, I’ve always enjoyed them…

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  17. I think this such a real thing. Finals got the best of me and so I’m just now catching up on my blog reading. But seriously. I’ve felt the way you describe before and it comes it waves. So you’re not alone in feeling this fear or in staying where you are a little while longer because it’s comfortable or being afraid that your dreams could actually come true. Just remember to keep taking it one day at a time and you’ll get there 🙂

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  18. Your blog is simply amazing, loving your honesty in this. Just know that God’s planning something amazing, my friend. Just follow what He says, because He will lead you to great and amazing places. We’re praying for you!

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  19. This is a brilliant realization and a big step into doing great things! I think sometimes we do things to sabotage because it’s a way we have learned to protect ourselves. Your blog shows you know how to do things afraid. I really enjoy reading it! Keep rocking the bravery. You are going to do GREAT things! Praying for you 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Good soliloquy. Very nice. But I think your soliloquy, if you don’t mind my intrusion begs this question of the questions themselves: Why are you asking yourself so many questions? Is life really worth involving neurons to solve emotional needs? Let the feet. Let the hands. Forget the neurons. We can all drown in too many neurons, and some call self-inflicted drowning death by suicide. Who shall ascend to the hill of the Lord? Who shall stand in HIS holy place? He that hath CLEAN HANDS and a PURE HEART, who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity nor sworn deceitfully. Clean hands, pure heart is more than heavily activated neurons. Pause.

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    1. Thanks Dan:) That’s some great food for thought. You’re right, I should be examining my need for so many questions. For none of us will be able to stand in His holy place…every knee will bend. Thanks for stopping by! big hugs xo

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